One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 19 - Meow, Meow - full transcript

("This is It" by Jeff
Barry and Nancy Barry)

♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none,
we'll just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

(door opens)

- I will tell you, it is really
invigorating out there.

But, I will tell you
something else,

I have played with
better partners.

- Where is Pancho Gonzales?

- Oh boy.

(audience laughs)

I haven't played
three sets of tennis

since the national
finals of '75.

- National finals?

- Yeah, that's what the
guys down at the lodge

called our Semi-Annual
Tennis Tournament

and Mud-Wrestling Benefit.

(audience laughs)

- Sit down, Schneider, I
promised you breakfast.

- I am starved.

Barbara, tomorrow it's your
turn with Wonder Woman.

- Don't remind me, I think
it's her day for the decathlon.

- What is with this
health kick, Ms. Romano?

You're acting weird lately.

- [Ann] Weird?

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)
- What do you mean weird?

Here Schneider,
here's a stress tab.

(audience laughs)

- No thanks, Ke-mo sah-bee.

(audience laughs)

- This is a facial mask.

- What are you gonna
do, hold up the Frazer?

(audience laughs)

- Okay Schneider, breakfast
will be ready in a jiffy!

- Aw, don't fuss.

Let me have a couple of eggs,
and bacon, some hash browns.

- Schneider, do you
know what that stuff

does to your insides?

Oh no, we are going
to have a high-protein

liquid breakfast, couple
of raw eggs right here,

then we'll throw in
some prune juice,

(audience groans) mineral oil,

(audience groans)

and some wheat germ!

(audience groans)

- Yeah, be sure to put
in a spritz of WD-40.

(audience laughs)

- You know mom, for
the past few weeks,

you really have
been acting strange.

Wait a second, how old are
you gonna be on your birthday?

- (laughs) Who cares?

Besides, my birthday
is a long way off!

Six weeks and three
days. (blender whirs)

Francine you ever have
scurvy, cholera, malaria, beriberi?

- (laughs) Nice girls
don't get those diseases.

(audience laughs)

- Right, ever have
scurvy, cholera, malaria?

(audience laughs)

(laughs) Okay, this is finished.

We are now insured,
partner, for $50,000 each.

If I were to kick the bucket,

you would be a wealthy woman.

On the other hand, I would
be a wealthy woman if you...

Have you ever thought
about taking up hang-gliding?

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) Oh, very sweet.

- Here you go.

- Oh, you didn't answer
the first three questions.

- A-ha, height, weight, and age.

We do that by secret ballot.

(audience laughs)

- Well let's see, my weight.

Ugh, I've been
eating like a horse,

I think I'm up to 108.

(audience laughs)

Well, how about you?

- The same.

- This has to be notarized.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, 112, but I'm not
gonna tell you my age.

- Chronological age of a person

doesn't really matter, it's
how one views one's self.

- Forget it Francine,
my age is my business!

- Okay.

- Let's just drop it
and get to work, okay?

- Okay.
- What's private is private.

- My my, I must have
really touched a nerve.

(Ann sighs)

Oh my God!

(gasps) You are
hitting the big 4-0.

(audience laughs)
- (laughs) I am nowhere near...

- Oh, Ann, I think
it's wonderful

that you've reached
the full bloom of maturity.

- Now the whole world is
gonna know I'm blooming.

(audience laughs)

- Don't be silly.

Besides, my life
is an open book.

You know that my
father's name is Gus,

and well I would
tell you my age,

but why depress you?

(audience laughs)

(phone buzzes)


Oh, no, wait just
a minute Sherry,

there's a Clint Wilkins from
Arturo Billboard Company,

he has an appointment?

- Ah yes, it's another salesman,

we really have to get to work

on this bank campaign, Francine.

Let's get rid of
him quickly, okay?

- Okay.

Alright Sherry, send him in.

(doors opens)

- Hello.

- Sherry, hold all of my calls.

(audience laughs)

You must be Clint Wilkins.

Oh, I just love the name Clint,

it's my father's name.

(audience laughs)

It's such a strong, virile name.

Oh, I'm Francine Webster.

- How do you do?

(Ann clears her throat)

Oh, this is my associate.

- Ann Romano, hi!

- Well, it's a real pleasure
meeting the two of you.

- Do I detect an accent?

- Oklahoma, born and bred!

- Oh, that's my favorite state!

(audience laughs)

I just love all those Surries
with the Fringes on the Top.

(audience laughs)

Clint, I'll tell you what,
why don't you and I

go into the outer office, Ann

has a bank campaign to work on.

- Yes, but it's not urgent!

I'd like very much to
see your presentation.

- Yes, so far I love it.

(audience laughs)

- Look, it's almost
lunchtime, why don't I

order up lunch, and then...

- I got a better
idea, lunch is on me.

There's a take-out place
right around the corner.

Chile beans and
hot sourdough bread.

- Oh, that's my favorite.

- Give you a chance
to do a little work.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

(door shuts)

- 20 minutes.

Well, give you a
chance to fix your face.

(audience laughs)

- Francine, I think
you ought to know,

I find him terribly
attractive and I'm interested.

- Oh Romano, I've
got this one roped,

tied and needle-pointed.

(audience laughs)

- So have you got
the right locations,

close to 500,000
people, every day

are gonna see your billboards.

- Oh, that's fascinating.

You know, I do believe
that in this electronic age,

we overlook the
value of billboards.

- You know what I think?

I think that it's
terribly important for...

(purse hits the floor)
- Oh!

(audience laughs) Excuse me.

- I'll get it.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh my, look at this little scar!

Well I bet you got
that at the OK Corral,

fighting of the bad guys.

- Yep. (audience laughs)

Trying to get away
on my tricycle.

(audience laughs)

- I feel that billboards
have a real place

in the media mix, anyone
remember the Burma Shave signs?

- Oh yes, my mother does!

She always told me about them.

(audience laughs)

How did they go, Ann?

- I don't remember
the actual words.

- I remember one.

- Yeah?
- "Don't lose your head

"to gain a minute,
you need your head."

- "And your brains are in it."

- [Ann And Clint] "Burma Shave!"

(Ann and Clint laugh)

- Well now Clint, we
don't wanna get Ann

started on the good ol' days.

(audience laughs)

I mean, she can
go on just for hours

about the Big Bands, and
Fibber McGee and Murna.

(audience laughs)

- You know that it's Molly.

(audience laughs)

We've been going on
and on about ourselves.

Clint, why don't you
tell us about you?

- Like what?

- Oh, like how do you
like living in Indianapolis?

Or are you a Reagan man?

- Are you married?

(audience laughs)

- Well now that's
getting right to it, isn't it?

I've come close
a couple of times.

- (laughs) Well, haven't we all?

Actually, Ann...
(fork snaps) - Oh!

(laughs) Damn, my fork.

(audience laughs)

- Well we have some
in the outer office, Annie.

Check with Sherry.

- I'll go get it, you
just don't move!

- Francine, you
are about as subtle

as a Mack truck, in heat!

(audience laughs)

- Well, Ann darling, I
have only two choices,

one is to be myself, interesting,
stimulating, provocative,

the other is to
struggle to stay awake

while you drone on with, "So

"how do you like Indianapolis?"

- It is called being civil.

- It's called being
boring (laughs).

Romano, do you have the feeling
you're being out-maneuvered?

- Close, Francine.

Try out-manured.

(audience laughs)

- It isn't Sterling.

- (laughs) No, it's
not, but it's nice.

- So Clint, tell me, what do
you do in your spare time?

- Well I do like to listen
to country western music.

- Oh...
- You're kidding!

I can't believe this,
country western music

is my life, I just love
all of those singers,

Johnny Cash, Johnny
Nash, Elton Johnny.

(audience laughs)

Are you free tomorrow night?

I'll tell you why, we
can go to this little club

I know where they have
live music, and dancing,

and sawdust on the
floors, and mechanical bulls,

and where seldom is
heard a discouraging word.

(audience laughs)

(country music blares)

- Hi there, Barb!

- Hi, Schneider!

- I've got your new
telephone books here!

- Thanks, maybe I should
look in the Yellow Pages

for child psychologists.

- Alex, huh?

- No, I'm speaking about
a certain short, red-haired,

over-aged adolescent.

Mom, turn down
the music or you're

grounded for the weekend!

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, bringing up
parents ain't easy.

- You're telling me!

Now I know how
she felt raising us.

She's insecure, she's boy-crazy,

she's got everything but
acne and a friendship ring.

(audience laughs)

- What the hell's her trouble?

- Well, she's got a big birthday

coming up, and she's
got a crush on some guy

that Francine is out to get.

- Uh-huh, Francine.

The infernal triangle.
(audience laughs)

That's trouble.

- There is no trouble, and I
would thank you, Barbara,

not to discuss my business

with every janitor
in the building.

(audience groans)

- Ms. Romano, it ain't nothing

I don't see on General
Hospital every day!

(audience laughs)

Two nubile nurses fighting over

one defenseless podiatrist?

(audience laughs)

- We were not fighting, we
had a nice, civilized lunch.

- And Francine won.

- Of course she won!

Who'd be interested in a
middle-aged, red-headed twerp?

- Oh mom, c'mon.

Plenty of men are interested
in red-headed twerps.

(audience laughs)

- Ms. Romano, it
ain't you, it's Francine.

She's like an
aphrodisiac to men.

I mean, she oozes
in under their skin,

through their pores, to the
very cores of their being.

(audience laughs)

Francine is to men, what
the medfly is to the avocado.

(audience laughs)

- Maybe we should
have her fumigated?

(audience laughs)

- I'm gonna tell you something,

you're giving her
too much credit.

A few years ago, I
could have given her

a run for her money, but now
that I'm gonna be my age...

- Oh mom, please stop it!

You are being so ridiculous.

You are a very, very
attractive woman.

40 is not old.

- Kid's right, 40 ain't old.

Fact is Romano,
you still got it.

You just don't know
what to do with it.

(audience laughs)

See Francine, she
knows what to do with it.

Now, do me a
favor, sit down here,

I wanna give ya...

Sit down, sit down,
I wanna give ya

a little demonstration, okay?

You just watch this.

Barbara, why don't you pretend

you're an average,
run-of-the-mill guy, alright?

An average guy.

(audience laughs)

Now, I'm gonna show you
how Francine operates, okay?

I'm Francine.

(audience laughs)

Excuse me (giggles).

Do you have the right time?

- Sure do, doll.

It's eight o'clock.

- Oh my goodness!

What a lovely
watch you're wearing.

It's so unusual
and so masculine.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, it's a genuine
Mickey Mouse.

- (giggles) Mick, Mickey Mouse!

I do so enjoy a man
who has the right time

and a sense of humor.

(audience laughs)

My name is Francine Webster.

- And I'm Barbara Cooper,
but my friends call me Bob.

- Oh, Bob, not so hard!

(audience laughs)

- I will show you all!

All I have to be is
myself, you get that?


- That's right!

- I mean, what
happened there anyway?

A man walked into the office,

a perfect stranger, we
sit down and have lunch,

and he wants
Francine and not me,

does that bother me?


(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)

Barbara look, I really
don't need this pep talk.

I'm okay!

Honey, I'm just
gonna be natural.

Barbara, my roots are fine.

(audience laughs)

(phone buzzes)

Honey, gotta go!

Sherry, yeah?

Uh-huh, okay.

Send him in.

(audience laughs)

Oh hi, Clint.

It was so nice of you to
come on such short notice!

- Ah, it's not problem!

Got everything
that you requested,

right here in this
little ol' folder.

- Oh that's
wonderful, I'll show it

to the client later.

- Well these are
the demographics,

and the efficiency of the buy.

- Look, if you have
a moment, Clint,

would you like a cup of coffee,

some carrot juice?

- Coffee sounds good!

You know it's getting
chilly out there!

- Yes, well, it's Indianapolis.

Here ya are.

I'll just get myself some juice.


- Cheers.

(glasses clink)

- (laughs) Cheers.

(audience laughs)

Oh, this is nice, isn't it?

- It's good coffee.

- No, I mean taking a
moment to talk to one another

like two people, you know?

Not just a salesman and
an advertising person.

- Oh yeah.

But listen, if you've gotta
know more information

about these billboards...

- Meeting people from
different backgrounds

can be very exciting
and stimulating,

don't you think so?

I mean for instance,
take the two of us.

You're from Oklahoma,
I'm from Indiana.

You're a man, I'm a woman.

(audience laughs)

- I drink my coffee,
you drink carrot juice.

- (laughs) Yes, that's
kind of what I meant.

- You know, really is a shame

that you can't join
Francine and me tonight

at the Silver Spur,
but she explained,

you're sitting with your
baby granddaughter.

(audience laughs)

- Granddaughter.

Oh boy!

I don't know where
my head is at,

Francine would
be furious with me

for not telling you this sooner,

but you see, she
had to fly to Chicago.

Business lead,
terribly important,

she felt very bad about not
being able to see you tonight.

- Well that's too bad,
but business is business,

I hope this comes
through for you gals!

- Oh thank you, but I
know how disappointed

you must be, why don't
you come to my house

tonight for a nice,
home-cooked meal?

- Well that would be great.

But, I don't wanna put you out.

- Oh no, it's no trouble at all!

I just happen to
be free tonight.

I will give you my
address, and we'll

make it, what do you say, 6:30?

- 6:30 is fine.

- Okay, and I will cook you
the specialty of the house,

barbecued spare ribs!

- That's okay.

So long, old buddy.

(audience groans)

- See you at 6:30.

- Right. (door shuts)

(audience laughs)

(door shuts)

- I got the dairy council

to increase their budget
by another $75,000!

Oh, look at the woman,
she's absolutely speechless!

Well, not to worry Romano.

I am not going to raise
my salary, yet (laughs).

Romano, I'm just joking,
what's the matter with you?

- Francine, Clint called.

- Oh, good.

What time is he picking me up?

- He's not, he had
to fly to Chicago

(audience laughs) on business.

- When's dinner?

- Oh Alex darling, I'm
very glad you asked,

would you mind if
I fixed you a platter

and you ate in your
room, by the TV?

- You mean not have dinner
in the main dining room?

(audience laughs)

Be forced to gobble down my food

with the TV blasting,
without anyone

telling me to keep my
elbows off the floor?

- You eat on the floor?

- Only on special
occasions like this.

(audience laughs)

- And this is a
special occasion.

Here Schneider was telling you

to scratch, and
cheat, and lie, and you

lassoed that cowboy
away from Francine

just by being
your little ol' self!

- That's right!

(audience laughs)

Now Barbara, I know
that you have something

terribly important
to do tonight,

I mean after all, this isn't
the Testimonial Dinner!

- Yes, I do have
a date with Mark.


- [Ann] Bye!

- Y'all have a good
time now, ya here?

(audience laughs)
- See ya later.

Why do you put that
stuff behind your ears?

- Because nobody smells
the front of your ears.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)

Alright Alex, there he is.

Now I'm going to
introduce you, and then...

- I know, I know,
into my dungeon.

You look good!

- Thank you.

- Annie, you forgot to
sign the insurance form!

(audience laughs)
The agent called.

What is that smell?

- It's the back of her ears.

(audience laughs)

- Well, hello cutie.

- Hi Francine (laughs).

- Francine, could I
have the form please?

I'm gonna sign,
I'm gonna sign it.

- What's the hurry?

- She's got a...
- An aunt coming for dinner!

- You dress like
that for an aunt?

- She's from Boston.

(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)

Oh, and there she is now.

She is such a boring, old aunt.

Alex, why don't you show
Francine your new room, darling?

Oh Francine, wait
until you see it!

He's got comics and pennants.

- Annie, what is going on?

(doorbell rings)

- Francine, do him a favor,
he absolutely adores you.

- He adores me?

(audience laughs)

- Don't let her
out of your room.

- What? (audience laughs)

- Use your
imagination, do anything

you have to to
keep her in there.

(audience laughs)

- Okay.

- Okay, good.

(audience laughs)

Hi, Clint!

- I'm right on time, 6:30, Ann.

- Oh, what a wonderful habit,
oh thank you, punctuality.

(audience laughs)

- Are we gonna eat out here?

(audience laughs)

- In the hallway?

No, of course not.


(laughs) Come on in.

- Thank you.

- But would you
be real, real quiet?

- Quiet?

Oh yes!

The little grandchild
is sleeping.

(audience laughs)

- You know what I forgot?

Clint, I just ran out
of barbecue sauce...

- Oh so what, who cares?

- The spare ribs care, I care.

Clint, would you do me a favor,

right around the corner,
there's a little grocery store,

could you pick me up a
bottle of barbecue sauce?

- With pleasure.

- Oh, thank you so much.

(door slams)

- No wait!

Francine, we haven't
solved the Rubik's Cube yet!

- Oh well good, then I can
come back another time.

Well Ann, where
are the papers at?

Where is your aunt?

- My aunt, uh, that
was the wrong doorbell.

But Francine, you better
get out of here very quick,

because if you do
catch her, oh my gosh,

she's so boring,
(knock at the door)

you'd never get away, wait.

How would you like to hear Alex

(audience laughs)

play Silent Night
on his snare drums?

- Maybe next Christmas.

- Oh, but he has been
practicing so hard for you.

Oh, you know he adores
you, what a treat you are in for.

- Silent Night, how
fast can you play?

- Wait till you hear it, it'll
bring tears to your eyes.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- I left my wallet
in my topcoat.

- Oh, well, here.

(audience laughs)

(snare drum plays)

- Hey, what in the hell's that?

That's gonna wake
up your grandchild!

- Oh, terrible, noisy neighbors!

Okay, quiet out there!

It's too noisy,
shush, shush, shush!

(audience laughs)

They're so noisy, right
around the corner, Clint

is the barbecue sauce, and
I would really appreciate it,

thanks a whole lot. (door slams)

(audience laughs)

- I have got to run.

- Oh yes, and
here is your paper.

Wait a minute, let me sign it.

It's all signed, why don't
you take the back stairs?

It's faster.

- Romano!

Wait a second.
- What?

- I know what's going on.

- You do?

(audience laughs)

- Your aunt isn't
coming her at all.

It's a man.

Well, I think
that's just terrific.

And I am not going
to stand in your way.

I'll just go to Alex's
room and get my purse.

(knock at the door)

- What am I thinking of?

Buying barbecue sauce?

Why I can whomp
up the best sauce

you ever tasted
from whatever you got

in your kitchen!

(audience groans)
Ketchup, onion, horseradish.

- Okay Romano, I'm
getting out of your way.

Now don't do
anything I wouldn't do,

whatever that might be (laughs).

- [Clint] I need a chili pepper!

(audience gasps)

- Clint?

- Francine, I thought
that you were in Chicago?

- You thought I was in Chicago?

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

- Hi there.

I know what you're
probably both thinking.

Well, let me assure
you I have never felt so...

- Tired, tired, the
poor dear is just tired.

I have been driving her crazy!

I mean first, I had
to go to Chicago,

she had to cover all
of my appointments,

then my flight got canceled,
there was so much fog...

- Francine.

- Well I'm just so lucky to
have such a resourceful partner.

- Don't be nice, Francine!

That is really the last straw.

(audience laughs)

I really can not
take nice from you.

- Romano, you're
just overworked.

- No Francine, the only
thing I'm over is the hill.

(audience laughs)

- Listen, why don't
the three of us

go to the Silver Spur...

- Look, could the two
of you just please go.

- Clint, why don't you and I go?

Truth is, Ann's a
really a morning person.

Now, after the mechanical bull,

I will show you
Ann's presentation

of your billboard's idea.

It's terrific.

- Alex...

When you do
something really dumb,

what do I do?

(audience laughs) Yeah, right.

Go to my room.

- But don't touch my drums.

- I'm not going to.
(audience laughs)

- Wanna have a
picnic on my floor?

- No. (audience applauds)

("This is It" by Jeff
Barry and Nancy Barry)

(triumphant horns)