One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 18 - The Defector - full transcript

During a visit to Ann's apartment by the Russian women's basketball team, one member falls for Schneider and decides to defect.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- Up, up, up, come
on, everybody up.

Uh, change that shirt, it
really looks terrible, Barbara.

Alex, dump that comic
book, the team's coming over.

- What team?

- The Soviet basketball team.

You know that Romano and
Webster have been handling

their Indiana appearance.

- Right.

- Yeah, so their manager,
before they went back to Russia,

wanted them to see how a
typical American family lives.

- Why'd they pick us?

- Hey, we're a typical
American family.

A divorced mother of two,

a 20-year-old daughter
who still lives at home,

and a displaced
teenager from Chicago.

- It's the best I got.

- Just straighten up,
Alex, and try to act typical.

- Ms. R?

- Yes.

- What do you say to a
six-foot rebound specialist

who dribbles in Russian?

- I wouldn't worry about it.

One of 'em speaks English.

(doorbell rings)

Ah-hah, okay, here
we go, zdras-tee.

- Gesundheit.

- Alex, zdras-tee
is Russian for hello.


- Zdras-tee.

- Zdras-tee.


- [Women] Zdras-tee.

- Yeah, uh, please, come on in.

Please, sit down.

Zdras-tee, er, please.

Hi, zdras-tee, hi.

Ah, Mr. Kolinski.

Hi, I hope you didn't have
any trouble finding the place.

- We get instructions
from bell job.

- Hop.

Bell hop, right.
- Hop, bell hop.

He say drive four
block and hang right,

then three signals
and hang left,

then go straight and
don't hang nothing.

We get lost, so we
leave car and take taxi,

and we are here.

- Oh, well, I am glad
you're here, really.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Everyone, I'd like
you to meet Alex.

- Alexei, this is nice name.

(speaking foreign
language) Alexei.

- [Group] Alexei.

- Zdras-tee.

- Oh, that's good.

Mr. Kolinski, why
don't you sit down?

- You have very
nice apartment here.

How many live here?

- Oh, just three.

- Three families, that's nice.

- No, not three
families, three people.


(speaking foreign language)

Three people.

- Hi.

- Oh, this is my
daughter, Barbara.

Well, uh, let me see if I
can do this, sweetheart.

This is Mr. Kolinski.

- Hello.

- Oh.

- This is Lara, (speaking
foreign language)

Tamara, (speaking
foreign language)

Olga, - Hello.

Lydia, (speaking
foreign language)

and Irina, I did it.
(speaking foreign language)

- Olga, can I ask
you a question?

- Da.

- Do you like
being a giant girl?

- To be tall, is difficult to
find all the way tall men.

Sometimes I wishing I
runt, like Mrs. Romano.

I saying something wrong?

- Runt is not right word.

You mean short.

- That's okay,
runt's used to it.


- Alright, Ms. Romano, I got
your electric toothbrush fixed.

- This is Schneider.

- Thank you, God.

(toothbrush whirs)

And all the saints in heaven.

- Uh, Schneider is the
building superintendent.

- Oh, superintendent.

(speaking foreign language)

(speaking foreign language)

- You're not from
around here, are you?

- Schneider,
they're from Russia.

- Yeah, they're all
basketball players.

- I told you about it weeks ago.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, but when
you said Russian lady athletes,

I was expecting Gorilla City.

- Would you like to see
the rest of the apartment?

- With the permission
of the superintendent.

- (laughing) Jawohl, be
my get-ski, my get-ski.

- Please, the dining area,
and the kitchen right in there,

and you can see, it's
all one room, really.

- Hi.

- Hello, superintendent.

- You can call me Dwayne.

'Course, a lot of
women call me super.

- I am Olga Feodorovna Dimirova.

- I bet you are.

Olga, would you
mind doing me a favor?

I have a little
crick in my neck,

so you could either
pick me up (laughs),

or we could sit down.

- Oh, we sit.

Is better?

- Oh, yeah, is better, yeah.

- Is strange thing,
you remind me of

famous person in my
country, great movie star,

Kirsha Smoktunovsky.

- Oh, yeah, I love
his work, oh, yeah.

I'll never forget him in The
Night They Raided Minsk.

- Oh (laughs), is joke.

- Little joke, yeah (laughing).

- Smoktunovsky is
very handsome man.

You also very handsome man.

- Oh, thank you very much.

Yes, I have my moments, I, uh.

- Your wife is lucky woman.

- Oh, no, no, no, I'm
not married (laughs).

I was married, but
she disappeared.

- Is too bad, she say
something against government?

- No, no, no.

No, she just got up one
morning, hot wired my truck,

and took off.

- Oh.

Why you looking at me like that?

- Well, you know,
Olga, you're, uh, really

a very beautiful woman, and
I mean, I'm speech (laughs),

I'm over (laughs), I mean,

what does a guy
say to a lady like you?

(speaking foreign language)

- Ka-at-ma...

What does that mean?

- It means how is
the weather up there?

- (laughs) You
know, you're really,

hey, I got an idea, let's
go down to my place.

I'll boil a cabbage.

- I'm sorry, I cannot.

- Well, it's not
the food, really,

it's, you know, I mean,
it's you and me, I mean,

we just met, you
know, and I really think

that we should get to know
one another a lot better.

- I must remain at
all times with team.

You want me to
bring four other girls?

- That'd be over
30 feet of women.

Probably get a call
from That's Incredible.

Tell you what, how
'bout tomorrow night?

- Tomorrow we fly home.

- Oh, I mean, that's
not fair, damn it!

We just met.

- It's also for me
not fair, damn it.

I am having strong feelings.

- Thank you, Mrs. Romano,
for this wonderful journey

into your apartment,
but we must leave.

We have calisthenics to do
before we pack for the trip.

(speaking foreign language)

(speaking foreign language)

- Take it easy.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- [Woman] Thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.

- Charmed.
- Yes, thank you.


- Goodbye, Mrs. Romano.

- Goodbye, Olga.

- Barbara, little Alexei,

and Dwayne.

- Two ships that
pass in the night.

- I think you just broke
the record for detente.

(knocking on door)

- Aw, geez, can't
it wait 'til morning?


Who is it?

- [Olga] It is me, Olga.

- Olga!

Just a minute, Olga.

Uh, just a second here.

Hi, Olga, come
on in, come on in.

What are you doing here?

Who the hell cares?

- All this is for you alone?

- Oh yeah, all this, yeah.

Let me give you the
guided tour, Olga.

That's the living
room, there's the den,

there's the kitchen,
there's the dining room.

I can't believe
that you're here.

- It does not bother
you that I am tall?

- No, no, not at all, I mean,

you're so feminine and,
and fragile, and alluring.

And you're here.

- Well, I should not
be, but I am in the bed,

I am seeing your face
so sad when you say,

ships that pass in the night.

Everybody is asleep,

so I'm sneaking to
taxicab and I'm here.

- That's terrific.

Would you do me a favor?

- Uh-huh.

- Would you take off your shoes?

- Oh, you rascal.

- Right one didn't want
to come off (laughs).

Ooh, look at this,

you got a little cleft
in your chin, there.

I got a good idea.

(slow dance music)

Would you like to dance?

- Is my pleasure.

Your dancing is very good.

- Oh, yeah, it's, er,

just a little something I
learned from Arthur Murray.

- Arthur Murray.

- Uh-huh.

He invented the fox-trot-ski.

- Is enchanting.

- Yeah, and so are you.

Do you still have to go home?

- I must.

- Aw (sighs), that's too bad.

You know what I'd like to do?

I would have loved to
jump into my camper,

you know, have a camper, and
we'd drive and drive and drive,

and I'd show you all the
natural wonders of this country,

you know, the Grand Canyon,
Okefenokee Swamp, Atlantic City.

- It sounds so wonderful.

- You know,

you only have tonight.

- Yes.

- Be gentle.

(persistent knocking on door)

Alright, alright.

Don't get your
knuckles in an uproar.


Good morning, Ms. Romano,
why don't you come in.

Alright, what's the problem?

- Terrific, Casanova.

You knew that I was
responsible for that woman,

but did that bother you?

No, you just wanted another
notch on your tool belt.

- Don't get your
blood in a boil.

Now, what are you talking about?

- I am talking about
Olga Dimirova.

- That's some classy lady.

I'm gonna miss her.

- Not for long, Schneider.

She's upstairs.

- What upstairs?

- In my apartment.

She wants to defect
and marry you.

- She wants, oh, that's,

what are you gonna do?

- Me, silver tongue?

Schneider, if she
defects, it's gonna cause

an international incident.

- Well, we were just two
ships that passed in the night.

And hung a u-turn.

Why does this have
to happen to me?

- To you?

Have you thought about
her for even a minute?

I mean, defecting,
that's a major life choice.

What about her
family, her career?

- You're right, you're
absolutely right.

Oh, you should have
never brought them here.

- Schneider, that plane leaves
in one hour and five minutes,

and she has got to be on it,

and an explanation
must be made to Kolinski.

Let me send her down here.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
what am I gonna tell her?

Ooh, I know.

The authorities found
my wife and my truck.

She wants to take custody
of the spare tire, I got it, okay.

- Schneider, have you ever
thought about being honest?

- With a woman?

What a wild idea.

(knocking on door)

- Here I am, your little
pa-troosh-ka pa-tooti-kins.

Whatever that means.

- Oh, well, that's friend.

Well, pa-tooti-kin's
good friend.

- Mrs. Romano say
you have to see me.

- Yeah, I, uh, I do.

We have to talk, Olga.

We have something very
important to talk about.

Sleep okay?

- No, I watch
you all night long.

I think, I cry.

This thinking, I cannot stop.

Then, when I am at
the hotel, I am packing,

and finally, I decide.

- Olga, when I said that
we had to talk, I meant me.

- I don't think I
will ever forget

some of the things
you said last night.

- Neither will I.

- You said be impulsive.

You said I'm only
going around once.

So okay, Dwayne, I'm
grabbing for the gusto.

- Listen, Olga, I had a
terrific time last night.

- So did I.

Did not Mrs. Romano tell you

that I wish to defect
to your country?

I will be Mrs. Dwayne F.
Feodorovna Dimirova Schneider.

It has a nice ring, no?

You are having,
maybe, second thought.

- No, no, no, I'm not,
no, I'm not, no, I'm having,

here, sit down for a
minute, would you please?

I'm not having any
second thoughts.

The thing is, Olga,
that your first thought

and my first thought

were not exactly the
same first thought, okay?

Oh, ok, I may have said
a few things last night.

- You said you never
knew girl like Olga before.

- Well, that's true, 6'4" and
a left-handed layup, I mean.

- You said forever.

- Forever, okay, I did
say it, but now let's take,

that's a tricky word, forever
is a tricky, or now, forever,

okay, on valentines,

in valentines they
use the word forever,

but if you notice, each year,

you have to send a
brand new valentine.

So, ah, forever, I mean, you
said some things last night

you didn't exactly mean.

I mean, you said that I had
the muscles of a Greek god.

Okay, alright, let's find
something not quite so true.

- Okay, I guess
I am just big fool.

- You're not a big fool, okay?

No, you're not.

You're a sensational lady.

If we had a little
more time, who knows.

I mean, maybe one day,
okay, maybe one day,

I'll be able to come
to your country.

Russia could use a good
handyman, nothing works over there.

- Where you hear that?

- Well, I mean, that's
common knowledge,

you know what I mean?

A guy like me, I mean,

I can really go places
in a backward country.

- Backward?


You hear of Yuri Gagarin?

- Field goal kicker
for Green Bay, right?

- First man into space.

- Oh, Yuri, Yuri, yeah,
I remember, yeah.

- Also we have first
woman into space.

- Hey, listen, don't
get so excited.

Russia's got a
lot of nice things.

I mean, they got vodka,
they got salad dressing,

yeah, Russian dressing.

- And we have no unemployment.

- That's because if
you're out of work,

you gotta go dance in the
ballet, everybody knows that.

- For you, Russia
would be big surprise.

Is beautiful country.

You like out of doors,
we got Ural Mountains.

- Yeah, yeah, well, we got
the Rocky mountains, okay?

The Rocky Mountains, great,
jagged, snow-covered peaks,

right, busting
through the sky, right?

There's nothing like them.

- You hear of Volga River?

As long as entire United States
from New York to California.

- Yeah, well, we got
amber waves of grain.

I know you got 'em,
too, but it's mostly ours.

- Oh, you Americans think
you have found the answer.

- Well, if we haven't
found the answer,

at least we're not
afraid of the question.

- Thanks.

- Huh?

- I mean it.

Thanks a lot for
making me realize

how much I'm loving my country.

I want to go home.

- Right, you do want to go home.

Be it ever so
humble, and I'm really,

I'm very happy for you, Olga.

- I'm not going.

- Huh?

- Is too late.

I want to, but I cannot.

They send me to Siberia.

You know what
is like in Siberia?

Is barren, desolate wasteland.

- Yeah, I know,
we got Cleveland.

What are you gonna do?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean,
you don't know?

We got less than an hour,

and if you don't get on that
plane, it's gonna be my fault.

- Dwayne, is maybe not you.

Last night was my
last night in America.

Last chance to defect.

Do you not see,
Dwayne, did you ever,

how you say, maybe
clutching at the straw?

- Straw?

- Right, so you feeling better?

- Clutching at a straw?

- Did you not
wonder a little bit?

- Yeah, yeah, I mean, you're,

you're very young,
and you're beautiful,

and, sure, I, I mean,
you're a world-class athlete.

Clutching at a straw, huh?

- Dwayne, you helped me.

Just knowing you made me
want to leave your country.

- Thanks, thanks a lot.

Right now our problem

is getting you on
that airplane, alright?

(knocking at door)

- Oh, Kolinski's come for me.

- Now, just a second,
you're on American soil,

ain't nothing gonna happen
to you here, now just relax.

What do you want, Kolinski?

- [Alex] It's me, Schneider.

- Oh, Alex.

What do you want?

- Elevator's stuck again.

- Give me a break, will ya, I
got a lady defecting in here,

I got an elevator
defective out there,

I got the answer!

Come in here.

What hotel you staying at?

- The Belvedere.

- The Belvedere, the
Belvedere, the Belvedere.

Look up Belvedere,
call Kolinski.

- Why me?

- Because, as you can
see, Ms. Dimirova is here

and stuck in the
elevator, right,

and Commandant Schneider
is nowhere to be found.

Now you call Kolinski,

you tell him exactly
what I said, right?

And tell him to get his
Bolshevik butt over here.

- Yeah, um, Mr. Kolinski's
room, please.

- Stuck in elevator, okay,

but what I'm doing
here in the first place?

- Well, I, er,

ooh, you left your pocketbook
upstairs yesterday, right.

- Kolinski will not believe...

- He's gonna believe you
because you're gonna be,

it's gonna be true, you're
gonna be stuck in the elevator,

and I'm gonna be
nowhere to be found.

- Okay, thank you, bye.

Okay, Kolinski's on his way.

So what's the caper, chief?

- Alright, it'll probably
take Kolinski 11 minutes

to get over here, we give
him five minutes to fool around

with the elevator
and convince himself

that nobody can fix it.

- Nobody.

- Except one courageous
man armed with nothing more

than a paper clip and
a ball peen hammer.

Okay, I will show up, huh?

I will get you out
of that elevator.

I'll get you out of that
elevator in two minutes flat.

Actually, I think I can
beat two minutes flat.

My best time is about 1:56:05.

You get over there,
you get to the elevator.

- Okay.

- It'll take him three minutes
to get down to the car,

22 minutes to the airport.

- We can do it?

- No sweat.

Way I figure it, we got about
two or three minutes to spare.

- Two or three minutes?

Dwayne F. Schneider,
thank you very much.

- You were saying?

- Thank you.

(upbeat music)