One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 14 - Grandma's Nest Egg - full transcript
Grandma Romano is having a hot relationship with Francine's father.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ And keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, la la la la
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, la la la la
♪ One day at a time
(all laugh)
- That's marvelous.
Ehrman booties.
- Well, she couldn't
wear just anything
in a gold plated baby carriage.
- So, it was Francine's
daddy who spoiled her first.
- Well, who could
resist that face?
Look at this picture.
The two of us, taken
in Atlantic City in 1949.
- He's the one with the curls.
- Adorable.
I gotta tell you, Mr. Webster,
you've hardly changed.
Francine, well.
- Careful, Romano.
- Ann, why don't
you call me Gus?
Even my daughter calls me Gus.
- [Ann] You got it.
- Well, you just never
looked like a Pop to me.
- Aw.
- Now, are you
gonna give me a break
and stay here for a while.
- Sorry, Kitten, just
over the weekend.
I have to be in Palm
Beach Tuesday.
- [Francine] Aw.
(phone buzzes)
- [Ann] Excuse me.
- [Francine] You
look just the same.
You look wonderful.
- Yeah.
Oh, she is?
Terrific, send her in.
Hey, my mom's here.
- Annie, they have the
greatest white sales going on.
Oh, excuse me.
I didn't know you
were with a client.
- Oh, no, it's fine, Mom.
This is Francine's father.
- Francine's has a father?
(audience laughs)
Excuse me.
Of course Francine has a father.
I'm sure she has a mother, too.
(audience laughs)
How do you do?
I'm Katherine Romano.
- Gus Webster, a
pleasure, madam.
- Well, and a
pleasure to you, too.
(audience laughs)
Annie, could I steal you
away for half an hour?
I want you to help
me get the right colors.
- No, I'm sorry, Mom.
It's a very busy day.
A half hour today
would be just terrible.
(phone buzzes)
- Oh, I'll get it.
- [Katherine] I really do
need you to help me, honey.
- You gotta trust yourself.
- Yes, oh yes,
wait just a second.
Annie, excuse me,
it's Dan Hollingsworth.
He needs to go over
the opening day ad,
and he wants us both on.
- [Ann] Okay.
- Excuse us, please.
- Yes, Dan.
Uh huh, go ahead.
- Well, it looks like we
raised a couple of career girls.
- Well, it's not exactly the
career I picked for Annie,
but she seems happy.
- May I make an observation?
- Well, of course.
- You have lovely
eyes, warm and alive.
- Thank you.
They're brown.
- Yes, I see.
- They're not
cock-eyed, are they?
(audience laughs)
- No, why?
- Well, I have looked at so
many shades of linens today,
fuchsia, chartreuse, magenta.
- Magenta, that was
my wife's favorite.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Me too, she always
had lousy taste.
(audience laughs)
- No, no, I thought you
meant, well you said she was,
so I assumed that
maybe she was gone.
- Oh, no, no,
she's still around.
We've been divorced for years.
What about you?
- Well, I've been a
widow for two years.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- No, no, it's alright.
I'm doing fine.
- Francine, Francine, do you
have the original
copy over there?
- No, you kept
that on your desk.
It's in your papers.
- Um, hold on a minute.
- Looks like they're gonna
be tied up for a while.
- Busy, busy, busy.
- Katherine, I happen
to have a free afternoon,
and I have a sudden
urge to look at linens
if you want some company.
- Oh, I would like that.
- I'll get my coat.
- Good.
Listen, listen, we'll
start of at Bloch's.
You'll love the store.
- Is that like
Bloomingdale's in New York?
- No.
- [Gus] Filene's
Basement in Boston?
- [Katherine] No,
it's a wonderful store.
- I tell you, I have a hunch
they really liked each other.
They didn't even
bother to wave good-bye.
They were out
the door, like that.
- Aw, that's so sweet.
How romantic.
- Yeah, what's he like?
- Well, he's very
gracious and gentle.
He's got perfect manners,
not at all like Francine.
- Okay, get a
hunch, bet a bunch.
- It's raffle time
at the lodge again.
- That's right.
Remember what you won last year.
- Mm hmm, a can of Red
Devil Chewing Tobacco.
(audience laughs)
- It's good for your gums.
It's good for the lodge.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, how much are they?
I've got a dollar.
- I'm sorry, kid,
minors are ineligible.
Hand that dollar
bill to Barbara.
Thank you very much, kid.
And, may dame fortune
flash her gold-capped teeth
in your direction, and bring
you the $1,000 first prize.
- $1,000.
What's the second prize?
- We have a lovely oil portrait
of a two-cycle chain saw.
(audience laughs)
I'm only kidding,
I'm only kidding.
We have some, for second prize,
we have some lovely
toiletry sets from Taiwan.
You turn them over,
there's a marking.
(knock at door)
- I'll get it.
Hi.
- Hi, darling.
- Katherine, the lodge is...
- I'll take a book.
- I should've been in sales.
- Oh, Annie, Annie,
this is my lucky day.
- Oh, Mom, you had a good time.
- Boy, did I ever.
- Here you go, Katherine.
Here, you can
fill this out later.
For now, you owe
me 10 simoleons.
- Gus and I had lunch.
We went shopping.
We went to the art museum.
Oh, Annie, he's
so cultured, so fine,
such a man of the world.
- Gee, he sounds like a
good candidate for the lodge.
We're having a recruiting drive.
- No, Schneider, he
doesn't live in Indianapolis.
- That's okay.
We're just interested in
the initiation fees anyway.
(audience laughs)
- And Annie, Annie,
there's something else.
We made another
date, and I'm cooking
for him tomorrow night.
And, after that,
well, who knows.
- Oh, boy.
Grandma, we'd
better have a talk.
- About what?
- About what you don't know,
and what she's forgotten?
(audience laughs)
- It's such a shame that my
sofa's being reupholstered.
Then, there's this gossipy
old neighbor next door
who just sits there with
her ear stapled to my wall.
- Okay, Mom, okay.
You can use our apartment.
- Oh, I couldn't.
Yes, I could.
(audience laughs)
Oh, thank you, Annie.
Oh, Annie, this is
gonna be such fun.
- Grandma, I thought
he was leaving town.
- Barbara, when it comes to men,
never underestimate
your grandmother.
(audience laughs)
- I haven't had coffee this good
since the Hotel
Astor in New York.
Remember the Hotel Astor?
- Oh, yes.
I spent one weekend there when I
was visiting my
husband during the war.
- Good place to be
stationed, the Hotel Astor.
(audience laughs)
- No, he was at Fort Dix.
- Oh, he should've
been at the Astor.
(audience laughs)
Mm, good to the last drop.
- Burns and Allen.
- What about them?
- Well, that's who said it.
Maxwell House was their sponsor,
and George Burns
always used to say,
"Good to the last drop."
Then, one night,
Gracie Allen said,
"What's wrong
with the last drop?"
(audience laughs)
- They were terrific.
All those radio
shows were great.
Jack Benny, Fred Allen.
- Edgar Bergen,
Charlie McCarthy.
- Oh, I loved Mortimer Snerd.
- Oh, Mortimer, yeah.
Oh, gosh, Mr. Bergen,
I don't know.
(audience laughs)
- It was a lot better
than television.
- Oh, yes.
You know, radio left
something to the imagination.
- Today, everything's
right out in the open.
- Yes, there's no mystery left.
- No illusion.
- No magic.
- It's all sex.
(audience laughs)
- No romance, just,
just off with the clothes.
(audience laughs)
- One, two, three, and into bed.
Katherine.
- Oh, Gus, this is crazy.
- Who cares.
- I know, but we
don't know each other.
- We know enough.
(audience laughs)
We both love Mortimer Snerd.
(audience laughs)
- Gus, the kids will be
home from the movies soon.
- Oh, of course, I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
I feel great.
It's been a long time
since I've been an animal.
(audience laughs)
- Gus, that is so good to hear.
I'm so tired of playing
Bingo and doing needlepoint.
(audience laughs)
I didn't realize that I
could make anyone
feel like an animal again.
- Katherine, you're a very
sensuous and exciting woman.
- Oh, my goodness, Gus, Gus,
I think I had better
clear the table.
- I'll give you a hand.
- No, no, no, what
I want you to do
is go over there, and sit down,
and make yourself comfortable,
and I'll clear up.
My, that's a nice jacket.
It's so spiffy.
- I got it in Chicago.
I like to dress well.
Of course, in today's
economy, it's not easy.
Boy, it's hard to
save money today.
- You're not kidding.
I don't know what I would do
without my husband's
life insurance policy.
- Prices are outrageous today.
- I know.
You know, I can
remember when margarine
was 32 cents a pound,
and it didn't talk back to you.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine.
- [Katherine] Uh huh.
- Come over here and sit down.
- I don't think I trust myself.
- Take a chance.
(audience laughs)
Come on.
Yes.
(audience laughs)
- Gus.
- Katherine.
No, closer, come on, come on.
(audience laughs)
- My goodness, this is so cozy.
(audience laughs)
- All we need is
a Sinatra record.
- Oh, we could make
our own Sinatra record.
♪ Here we are
♪ Out of cigarettes
♪ Holding hands and yawning
♪ Look how late it gets
♪ Two sleepy people
by dawn's early light
♪ And too much in
love to say goodnight
(all clap)
- I give it an 85.
Good lyric, tough
beat to dance to.
- We were just reminiscing.
- I think I was
reminiscing off key.
- [Ann] No, you weren't.
- Gus, you haven't met my
beautiful granddaughter, Barbara.
- Hi, it's nice to meet you.
- A pleasure, a pleasure.
- Oh, and this
is my little, uh...
- Waif.
(audience laughs)
- This is my buddy, Alex.
- Hello, Alex.
- Hi, I know your daughter.
She's a knockout.
- Oh, you've got good taste.
Thank you.
- Well, boy, I'm
really exhausted.
Those intergalactic war
movies really get to you.
Goodnight.
- [Gus] Goodnight.
- [Alex] Goodnight.
- [Barbara] Goodnight.
(audience laughs)
Yes, goodnight.
That's what I meant.
Goodnight, it was
very nice to meet you.
Goodnight.
- I think I'll have
some pie and milk.
Probably some pie in my room.
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight.
Ann, why don't you come
and sit with us a minute?
I'd like to get to
know you better.
- Oh, Gus, that's
really very nice.
On the other hand...
(doorbell rings)
(audience laughs)
- Hi, Annie.
I just picked up
the proof of the ad.
I think you'd better
go over the copy.
Gus, what are you doing here?
- Francine, your
father and I have had
the most wonderful
evening dining and singing.
- I didn't know you
were coming here.
- Francine, I tried to call you.
- I'm sure you did.
- Uh, Francine, can I
get you a cup of coffee?
- No, no, thank you.
I have to leave,
and so does Gus.
Ann, you and I will go
over this in the morning.
- We were just getting
to know each other.
- Oh, I'm sorry,
but I think you two
have gotten to know
each other well enough.
Are you ready?
- Yes, well,
goodnight, Katherine.
Thank you for a lovely dinner,
and a memorable evening.
Goodnight, Ann.
- Goodnight, Gus.
I don't know.
- Oh, morning Ann.
A Fred Wilson has
been trying to reach you.
It must be important if
he's calling on Saturday.
- What's the matter, Francine?
My mother not good
enough for your father?
- Now look.
- Look, if you
think I am thrilled
about our families getting
together, then you have...
- Ann, you don't know
what you're saying.
- I do know that my mother
was very hurt last night.
- I am sorry.
- And, I am sure that your
father was very embarrassed.
If you had half the
manners, the sensitivity,
the class of that man.
- Please, you don't
know my father at all.
- I know that he is a
sweet, charming, gentle...
- Con man.
- What?
- Yes, Ann, my father is
a professional con man.
He's a crook.
(audience gasps)
(audience applauds)
- He's a crook?
What do you mean,
your father is a con man?
- Alright, I will tell you.
I've never told this
to anyone before.
Of course, it's not
the kind of thing
you want printed in who's who.
- That's so hard to believe.
- Oh, yes, I know.
That's why he's so good at it.
With that sweet face,
he's the Michelangelo
of bunko artists.
- That's why you
were trying so hard
to get him away from my mother.
Why would he be interested?
Oh, my god, all that
insurance money she has.
- You hope she has.
- Ah, Francine, I gotta
call over to her apartment.
Francine, how long have
you known this about him?
- Oh, since I was a kid.
- It's ringing.
- Yeah, when
other kids were busy
playing ring-around-the-rosie,
I was marking cards
and slipping worms into
caviar in fancy restaurants.
- There's no answer.
- We'd go from town to
town clipping the local yokels,
and suing the restaurants.
- I'll try her at my house.
- I remember one
summer, we spent going
from door to door as
missionaries to Zanzibar.
He was Father Webster,
and I was Angelica.
My parents were
eaten by cannibals.
(audience laughs)
- That is terrible.
- No, actually, that
one was kind of fun.
(audience laughs)
- No, I mean there is no answer.
- I don't believe this.
You have not listened
to one word I've said.
- You're right.
I'm sorry, Francine,
but at this very minute,
that con artist father
of yours might be
sweet talking my mother
out of every cent she has.
- You're right.
Try her at Gus's hotel.
- Oh, come on,
Francine, my mother
would never go to a man's hotel.
Where is he staying?
(phone rings)
Hello?
Hi, Barbara.
Honey, slow down.
I can't understand, Barbara,
I can't understand you.
Grandma bought what?
- Oh no, not the three
acres in Florida again.
- Honey, she's there?
Hold her there.
I'll be home as soon as I can.
Okay, bye.
- [Francine] Are we too late?
- Well, my mother has
just bought a brand new car,
and she doesn't drive.
(audience laughs)
Ah, Mom, how could
you do such a stupid,
childish, idiotic...
- Annie, it is not
what you think at all.
We had this wonderful breakfast.
Then, we were strolling
along, arm in arm.
- And you just happened
upon this automobile agency.
- Right, where they
had all these Cadillacs.
- Cadillacs?
Mom, you bought him a Cadillac?
- Well, it was
just a little one.
(audience laughs)
Annie, it was on display,
all ready to go, loaded.
And, it was only $16,000.
- Mom, I don't understand
the whole problem.
Grandma just laid out the money.
Gus is gonna pay her back.
- Thank you, Barbara.
I have been trying
to tell her that.
- The problem is that Mom
is never going to see Gus,
or the car, or the money again.
Gus is a con man.
- What an imagination.
Even as a child, she
would make up stories.
- He's a crook.
- Francine, I would
like to apologize
for my daughter's behavior.
- A bunko artist,
a flim-flam man.
- What was it?
Bait and switch,
pigeon drop, the old
compromising photographs?
- Alex.
- Gus Webster is
an investment broker.
Francine, how can you let them
talk about your father that way?
- Katherine, I'm sorry, but I
am afraid that Ann is right.
I really do feel
awful about this,
but the truth is,
you've been taken.
- Come to think
of it, he showed me
a disappearing coin trick.
It was my quarter
that disappeared.
(audience laughs)
- You're all making this up.
- Grandma, I
don't think they are.
- I don't think so, either.
- Oh, I should never
have let him get near you.
I had no idea he
was this desperate.
(audience laughs)
I don't mean desperate.
- It's like they say, there's
no fool like an old fool.
- You can add damn fool, too.
Mom, you needed that money.
It was your nest egg.
(doorbell rings)
- Hello, Ann.
- Gus, oh Gus, I'm
so glad to see you.
He's here.
He came back.
You see, he came back
just like he said he would.
- My goodness, what a greeting.
Hello, everybody.
- Where's the car, Gus?
- Nice to see you, too, Ann.
- I would like to
talk to you, Gus.
- Yeah, me, too.
Can I have my quarter back?
- Well, of course, my boy.
There you are.
Katherine, here's your
money, well, most of it.
A check for $12,000.
You'll receive the rest
of your money shortly.
- Let me see that.
- Oh, Gus, please forgive
me for what I was thinking.
- Wait a minute.
This check is from
a used car agency.
- Yes, a subsidiary of one
of the many corporations
I do business with.
- Boy, I'd like to take a
ride in that new Caddy.
- Not today, Alex.
- Why not, Gus?
- Well...
- Because it has been
sold for that $12,000.
I just put it all together.
Let's see, this is
scam number 33,
one of the all-time classics.
- Oh, I get it.
You buy a car for $16,000,
and you sell it for $12,000.
(audience laughs)
That doesn't sound
like such a hot scam.
- No, it's a hot one, alright.
Gus, would you like to
explain this, or should I?
- Francine, these
people aren't interested
in the technical aspects
of supply side economics.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, your
$16,000 car was sold
to a used car
dealer for $12,000.
Gus knows that
the used car dealer
will become suspicious, and call
the new car dealer
to verify ownership.
When the new car
dealer hears that a car
he sold for $16,000
was resold for $12,000,
only a few hours
later, he will...
- He will naturally think
that he's got a phony check.
But, since it's
Saturday, he can't call
the banks to verify it,
so he calls the cops.
- And has you both arrested.
And then, Gus will
sue him for slander
and false arrest, and make a
hefty out of court settlement.
- Sings, doesn't it?
(audience laughs)
- You were going
to have me arrested?
- Now Katherine, it only
would've been for overnight.
- Overnight?
In the slammer?
- We'd be together.
- Oh, that is the lowest,
slimiest, most disgusting.
♪ We're in the money
♪ We're in the money
♪ We picked the ticket
♪ And someone here won
- Schneider, for heaven's
sake, we are trying...
- I have been empowered
to announce that one
amongst you has won
the grand prize of $1,000.
I hold in my hot
little fist, right here,
the winning stub.
And, the number is,
but before I
announce the numbers.
(indistinct objections)
Please, please, I
would like to offer you all
$50 each for your tickets.
- Schneider, who won?
- Katherine, I'll
offer you $100.
- What?
You mean I won?
I won.
I can't believe it.
I've never won anything
before in my whole life.
I can't, give my the
money, give me the money.
- We have one
little technicality.
Now, if you remember,
for good luck,
you filled out the stub
in Gus Webster's name.
- In my name, $1,000?
- Schneider, give that
ticket to my mother.
- Yeah, she paid for it.
- Well, now wait a second.
This is a technicality,
and according
to Napoleonic law,
whom soever's face
is on the stub, the stub is...
- Stay out of this, Schneider.
- Please the court.
- It's mine.
My name is on it.
- Gus, you give that
ticket to Katherine.
- Now.
- Yes, because I paid for it.
- Hold it, hold it.
I'm tired of your
accusations, your insults,
and your whining.
- But, you lied to me.
You used me.
- Oh, join the group.
I've had to deal
with this all of my life.
- Yes, I guess
you're right, Francine.
I must've been a
very poor father.
How wrong of me
to have instilled
in you, the backbone,
the courage,
the shrewdness to
make you the successful,
independent person
you are today.
And you, Katherine,
how I must've hurt you,
sweeping you away from
your precious Bingo games
and your needlepoint
into a kaleidoscope
of adventure and passion.
I shall be on my
way now, Katherine,
but I want you to
have this winning ticket.
You'll receive the rest
of your money shortly.
Goodbye to you all.
I'm sorry you only chose
to see the worst in me.
- Oh, Gus.
Gus, wait.
Wait, please Gus.
Everything is happening so fast.
I'm so confused.
- It's better this
way, Katherine,
better it's over with.
- But, will I ever
see you again?
- Well, that's hard to say.
In my business, one is
constantly on the move.
- Gus, Gus, what you
said to me last night,
did you mean that when you said
that I was a sensual woman?
- You know I did.
- Oh Gus, I'm going to miss you.
- I'd ask you to come
with me, but it's not for you.
You're too pure and innocent.
Farewell, my love.
Don't you worry about me.
I'll be okay.
The open road is the
only ticket I'll need.
Now, I'm not referring
to the raffle ticket.
- Gus, Gus, the raffle
ticket would mean a lot
to you, wouldn't it?
- Oh, I couldn't.
Alright, but it's just a loan.
(audience laughs)
Katherine, wait.
This isn't the raffle ticket.
This is your laundry ticket.
(audience laughs)
- It'll be ready Tuesday.
(audience laughs)
- You switched tickets on me.
Katherine, you're wonderful.
We'd be terrific together.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, yes, yes, I
suppose we would.
Gus?
- Katherine?
- Remember the
line from the song,
♪ We just couldn't say goodnight
- [Gus] Yes.
- Yeah, well, goodnight.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(instrumental theme song)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ And keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, la la la la
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, la la la la
♪ One day at a time
(all laugh)
- That's marvelous.
Ehrman booties.
- Well, she couldn't
wear just anything
in a gold plated baby carriage.
- So, it was Francine's
daddy who spoiled her first.
- Well, who could
resist that face?
Look at this picture.
The two of us, taken
in Atlantic City in 1949.
- He's the one with the curls.
- Adorable.
I gotta tell you, Mr. Webster,
you've hardly changed.
Francine, well.
- Careful, Romano.
- Ann, why don't
you call me Gus?
Even my daughter calls me Gus.
- [Ann] You got it.
- Well, you just never
looked like a Pop to me.
- Aw.
- Now, are you
gonna give me a break
and stay here for a while.
- Sorry, Kitten, just
over the weekend.
I have to be in Palm
Beach Tuesday.
- [Francine] Aw.
(phone buzzes)
- [Ann] Excuse me.
- [Francine] You
look just the same.
You look wonderful.
- Yeah.
Oh, she is?
Terrific, send her in.
Hey, my mom's here.
- Annie, they have the
greatest white sales going on.
Oh, excuse me.
I didn't know you
were with a client.
- Oh, no, it's fine, Mom.
This is Francine's father.
- Francine's has a father?
(audience laughs)
Excuse me.
Of course Francine has a father.
I'm sure she has a mother, too.
(audience laughs)
How do you do?
I'm Katherine Romano.
- Gus Webster, a
pleasure, madam.
- Well, and a
pleasure to you, too.
(audience laughs)
Annie, could I steal you
away for half an hour?
I want you to help
me get the right colors.
- No, I'm sorry, Mom.
It's a very busy day.
A half hour today
would be just terrible.
(phone buzzes)
- Oh, I'll get it.
- [Katherine] I really do
need you to help me, honey.
- You gotta trust yourself.
- Yes, oh yes,
wait just a second.
Annie, excuse me,
it's Dan Hollingsworth.
He needs to go over
the opening day ad,
and he wants us both on.
- [Ann] Okay.
- Excuse us, please.
- Yes, Dan.
Uh huh, go ahead.
- Well, it looks like we
raised a couple of career girls.
- Well, it's not exactly the
career I picked for Annie,
but she seems happy.
- May I make an observation?
- Well, of course.
- You have lovely
eyes, warm and alive.
- Thank you.
They're brown.
- Yes, I see.
- They're not
cock-eyed, are they?
(audience laughs)
- No, why?
- Well, I have looked at so
many shades of linens today,
fuchsia, chartreuse, magenta.
- Magenta, that was
my wife's favorite.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Me too, she always
had lousy taste.
(audience laughs)
- No, no, I thought you
meant, well you said she was,
so I assumed that
maybe she was gone.
- Oh, no, no,
she's still around.
We've been divorced for years.
What about you?
- Well, I've been a
widow for two years.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- No, no, it's alright.
I'm doing fine.
- Francine, Francine, do you
have the original
copy over there?
- No, you kept
that on your desk.
It's in your papers.
- Um, hold on a minute.
- Looks like they're gonna
be tied up for a while.
- Busy, busy, busy.
- Katherine, I happen
to have a free afternoon,
and I have a sudden
urge to look at linens
if you want some company.
- Oh, I would like that.
- I'll get my coat.
- Good.
Listen, listen, we'll
start of at Bloch's.
You'll love the store.
- Is that like
Bloomingdale's in New York?
- No.
- [Gus] Filene's
Basement in Boston?
- [Katherine] No,
it's a wonderful store.
- I tell you, I have a hunch
they really liked each other.
They didn't even
bother to wave good-bye.
They were out
the door, like that.
- Aw, that's so sweet.
How romantic.
- Yeah, what's he like?
- Well, he's very
gracious and gentle.
He's got perfect manners,
not at all like Francine.
- Okay, get a
hunch, bet a bunch.
- It's raffle time
at the lodge again.
- That's right.
Remember what you won last year.
- Mm hmm, a can of Red
Devil Chewing Tobacco.
(audience laughs)
- It's good for your gums.
It's good for the lodge.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, how much are they?
I've got a dollar.
- I'm sorry, kid,
minors are ineligible.
Hand that dollar
bill to Barbara.
Thank you very much, kid.
And, may dame fortune
flash her gold-capped teeth
in your direction, and bring
you the $1,000 first prize.
- $1,000.
What's the second prize?
- We have a lovely oil portrait
of a two-cycle chain saw.
(audience laughs)
I'm only kidding,
I'm only kidding.
We have some, for second prize,
we have some lovely
toiletry sets from Taiwan.
You turn them over,
there's a marking.
(knock at door)
- I'll get it.
Hi.
- Hi, darling.
- Katherine, the lodge is...
- I'll take a book.
- I should've been in sales.
- Oh, Annie, Annie,
this is my lucky day.
- Oh, Mom, you had a good time.
- Boy, did I ever.
- Here you go, Katherine.
Here, you can
fill this out later.
For now, you owe
me 10 simoleons.
- Gus and I had lunch.
We went shopping.
We went to the art museum.
Oh, Annie, he's
so cultured, so fine,
such a man of the world.
- Gee, he sounds like a
good candidate for the lodge.
We're having a recruiting drive.
- No, Schneider, he
doesn't live in Indianapolis.
- That's okay.
We're just interested in
the initiation fees anyway.
(audience laughs)
- And Annie, Annie,
there's something else.
We made another
date, and I'm cooking
for him tomorrow night.
And, after that,
well, who knows.
- Oh, boy.
Grandma, we'd
better have a talk.
- About what?
- About what you don't know,
and what she's forgotten?
(audience laughs)
- It's such a shame that my
sofa's being reupholstered.
Then, there's this gossipy
old neighbor next door
who just sits there with
her ear stapled to my wall.
- Okay, Mom, okay.
You can use our apartment.
- Oh, I couldn't.
Yes, I could.
(audience laughs)
Oh, thank you, Annie.
Oh, Annie, this is
gonna be such fun.
- Grandma, I thought
he was leaving town.
- Barbara, when it comes to men,
never underestimate
your grandmother.
(audience laughs)
- I haven't had coffee this good
since the Hotel
Astor in New York.
Remember the Hotel Astor?
- Oh, yes.
I spent one weekend there when I
was visiting my
husband during the war.
- Good place to be
stationed, the Hotel Astor.
(audience laughs)
- No, he was at Fort Dix.
- Oh, he should've
been at the Astor.
(audience laughs)
Mm, good to the last drop.
- Burns and Allen.
- What about them?
- Well, that's who said it.
Maxwell House was their sponsor,
and George Burns
always used to say,
"Good to the last drop."
Then, one night,
Gracie Allen said,
"What's wrong
with the last drop?"
(audience laughs)
- They were terrific.
All those radio
shows were great.
Jack Benny, Fred Allen.
- Edgar Bergen,
Charlie McCarthy.
- Oh, I loved Mortimer Snerd.
- Oh, Mortimer, yeah.
Oh, gosh, Mr. Bergen,
I don't know.
(audience laughs)
- It was a lot better
than television.
- Oh, yes.
You know, radio left
something to the imagination.
- Today, everything's
right out in the open.
- Yes, there's no mystery left.
- No illusion.
- No magic.
- It's all sex.
(audience laughs)
- No romance, just,
just off with the clothes.
(audience laughs)
- One, two, three, and into bed.
Katherine.
- Oh, Gus, this is crazy.
- Who cares.
- I know, but we
don't know each other.
- We know enough.
(audience laughs)
We both love Mortimer Snerd.
(audience laughs)
- Gus, the kids will be
home from the movies soon.
- Oh, of course, I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
I feel great.
It's been a long time
since I've been an animal.
(audience laughs)
- Gus, that is so good to hear.
I'm so tired of playing
Bingo and doing needlepoint.
(audience laughs)
I didn't realize that I
could make anyone
feel like an animal again.
- Katherine, you're a very
sensuous and exciting woman.
- Oh, my goodness, Gus, Gus,
I think I had better
clear the table.
- I'll give you a hand.
- No, no, no, what
I want you to do
is go over there, and sit down,
and make yourself comfortable,
and I'll clear up.
My, that's a nice jacket.
It's so spiffy.
- I got it in Chicago.
I like to dress well.
Of course, in today's
economy, it's not easy.
Boy, it's hard to
save money today.
- You're not kidding.
I don't know what I would do
without my husband's
life insurance policy.
- Prices are outrageous today.
- I know.
You know, I can
remember when margarine
was 32 cents a pound,
and it didn't talk back to you.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine.
- [Katherine] Uh huh.
- Come over here and sit down.
- I don't think I trust myself.
- Take a chance.
(audience laughs)
Come on.
Yes.
(audience laughs)
- Gus.
- Katherine.
No, closer, come on, come on.
(audience laughs)
- My goodness, this is so cozy.
(audience laughs)
- All we need is
a Sinatra record.
- Oh, we could make
our own Sinatra record.
♪ Here we are
♪ Out of cigarettes
♪ Holding hands and yawning
♪ Look how late it gets
♪ Two sleepy people
by dawn's early light
♪ And too much in
love to say goodnight
(all clap)
- I give it an 85.
Good lyric, tough
beat to dance to.
- We were just reminiscing.
- I think I was
reminiscing off key.
- [Ann] No, you weren't.
- Gus, you haven't met my
beautiful granddaughter, Barbara.
- Hi, it's nice to meet you.
- A pleasure, a pleasure.
- Oh, and this
is my little, uh...
- Waif.
(audience laughs)
- This is my buddy, Alex.
- Hello, Alex.
- Hi, I know your daughter.
She's a knockout.
- Oh, you've got good taste.
Thank you.
- Well, boy, I'm
really exhausted.
Those intergalactic war
movies really get to you.
Goodnight.
- [Gus] Goodnight.
- [Alex] Goodnight.
- [Barbara] Goodnight.
(audience laughs)
Yes, goodnight.
That's what I meant.
Goodnight, it was
very nice to meet you.
Goodnight.
- I think I'll have
some pie and milk.
Probably some pie in my room.
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight.
Ann, why don't you come
and sit with us a minute?
I'd like to get to
know you better.
- Oh, Gus, that's
really very nice.
On the other hand...
(doorbell rings)
(audience laughs)
- Hi, Annie.
I just picked up
the proof of the ad.
I think you'd better
go over the copy.
Gus, what are you doing here?
- Francine, your
father and I have had
the most wonderful
evening dining and singing.
- I didn't know you
were coming here.
- Francine, I tried to call you.
- I'm sure you did.
- Uh, Francine, can I
get you a cup of coffee?
- No, no, thank you.
I have to leave,
and so does Gus.
Ann, you and I will go
over this in the morning.
- We were just getting
to know each other.
- Oh, I'm sorry,
but I think you two
have gotten to know
each other well enough.
Are you ready?
- Yes, well,
goodnight, Katherine.
Thank you for a lovely dinner,
and a memorable evening.
Goodnight, Ann.
- Goodnight, Gus.
I don't know.
- Oh, morning Ann.
A Fred Wilson has
been trying to reach you.
It must be important if
he's calling on Saturday.
- What's the matter, Francine?
My mother not good
enough for your father?
- Now look.
- Look, if you
think I am thrilled
about our families getting
together, then you have...
- Ann, you don't know
what you're saying.
- I do know that my mother
was very hurt last night.
- I am sorry.
- And, I am sure that your
father was very embarrassed.
If you had half the
manners, the sensitivity,
the class of that man.
- Please, you don't
know my father at all.
- I know that he is a
sweet, charming, gentle...
- Con man.
- What?
- Yes, Ann, my father is
a professional con man.
He's a crook.
(audience gasps)
(audience applauds)
- He's a crook?
What do you mean,
your father is a con man?
- Alright, I will tell you.
I've never told this
to anyone before.
Of course, it's not
the kind of thing
you want printed in who's who.
- That's so hard to believe.
- Oh, yes, I know.
That's why he's so good at it.
With that sweet face,
he's the Michelangelo
of bunko artists.
- That's why you
were trying so hard
to get him away from my mother.
Why would he be interested?
Oh, my god, all that
insurance money she has.
- You hope she has.
- Ah, Francine, I gotta
call over to her apartment.
Francine, how long have
you known this about him?
- Oh, since I was a kid.
- It's ringing.
- Yeah, when
other kids were busy
playing ring-around-the-rosie,
I was marking cards
and slipping worms into
caviar in fancy restaurants.
- There's no answer.
- We'd go from town to
town clipping the local yokels,
and suing the restaurants.
- I'll try her at my house.
- I remember one
summer, we spent going
from door to door as
missionaries to Zanzibar.
He was Father Webster,
and I was Angelica.
My parents were
eaten by cannibals.
(audience laughs)
- That is terrible.
- No, actually, that
one was kind of fun.
(audience laughs)
- No, I mean there is no answer.
- I don't believe this.
You have not listened
to one word I've said.
- You're right.
I'm sorry, Francine,
but at this very minute,
that con artist father
of yours might be
sweet talking my mother
out of every cent she has.
- You're right.
Try her at Gus's hotel.
- Oh, come on,
Francine, my mother
would never go to a man's hotel.
Where is he staying?
(phone rings)
Hello?
Hi, Barbara.
Honey, slow down.
I can't understand, Barbara,
I can't understand you.
Grandma bought what?
- Oh no, not the three
acres in Florida again.
- Honey, she's there?
Hold her there.
I'll be home as soon as I can.
Okay, bye.
- [Francine] Are we too late?
- Well, my mother has
just bought a brand new car,
and she doesn't drive.
(audience laughs)
Ah, Mom, how could
you do such a stupid,
childish, idiotic...
- Annie, it is not
what you think at all.
We had this wonderful breakfast.
Then, we were strolling
along, arm in arm.
- And you just happened
upon this automobile agency.
- Right, where they
had all these Cadillacs.
- Cadillacs?
Mom, you bought him a Cadillac?
- Well, it was
just a little one.
(audience laughs)
Annie, it was on display,
all ready to go, loaded.
And, it was only $16,000.
- Mom, I don't understand
the whole problem.
Grandma just laid out the money.
Gus is gonna pay her back.
- Thank you, Barbara.
I have been trying
to tell her that.
- The problem is that Mom
is never going to see Gus,
or the car, or the money again.
Gus is a con man.
- What an imagination.
Even as a child, she
would make up stories.
- He's a crook.
- Francine, I would
like to apologize
for my daughter's behavior.
- A bunko artist,
a flim-flam man.
- What was it?
Bait and switch,
pigeon drop, the old
compromising photographs?
- Alex.
- Gus Webster is
an investment broker.
Francine, how can you let them
talk about your father that way?
- Katherine, I'm sorry, but I
am afraid that Ann is right.
I really do feel
awful about this,
but the truth is,
you've been taken.
- Come to think
of it, he showed me
a disappearing coin trick.
It was my quarter
that disappeared.
(audience laughs)
- You're all making this up.
- Grandma, I
don't think they are.
- I don't think so, either.
- Oh, I should never
have let him get near you.
I had no idea he
was this desperate.
(audience laughs)
I don't mean desperate.
- It's like they say, there's
no fool like an old fool.
- You can add damn fool, too.
Mom, you needed that money.
It was your nest egg.
(doorbell rings)
- Hello, Ann.
- Gus, oh Gus, I'm
so glad to see you.
He's here.
He came back.
You see, he came back
just like he said he would.
- My goodness, what a greeting.
Hello, everybody.
- Where's the car, Gus?
- Nice to see you, too, Ann.
- I would like to
talk to you, Gus.
- Yeah, me, too.
Can I have my quarter back?
- Well, of course, my boy.
There you are.
Katherine, here's your
money, well, most of it.
A check for $12,000.
You'll receive the rest
of your money shortly.
- Let me see that.
- Oh, Gus, please forgive
me for what I was thinking.
- Wait a minute.
This check is from
a used car agency.
- Yes, a subsidiary of one
of the many corporations
I do business with.
- Boy, I'd like to take a
ride in that new Caddy.
- Not today, Alex.
- Why not, Gus?
- Well...
- Because it has been
sold for that $12,000.
I just put it all together.
Let's see, this is
scam number 33,
one of the all-time classics.
- Oh, I get it.
You buy a car for $16,000,
and you sell it for $12,000.
(audience laughs)
That doesn't sound
like such a hot scam.
- No, it's a hot one, alright.
Gus, would you like to
explain this, or should I?
- Francine, these
people aren't interested
in the technical aspects
of supply side economics.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, your
$16,000 car was sold
to a used car
dealer for $12,000.
Gus knows that
the used car dealer
will become suspicious, and call
the new car dealer
to verify ownership.
When the new car
dealer hears that a car
he sold for $16,000
was resold for $12,000,
only a few hours
later, he will...
- He will naturally think
that he's got a phony check.
But, since it's
Saturday, he can't call
the banks to verify it,
so he calls the cops.
- And has you both arrested.
And then, Gus will
sue him for slander
and false arrest, and make a
hefty out of court settlement.
- Sings, doesn't it?
(audience laughs)
- You were going
to have me arrested?
- Now Katherine, it only
would've been for overnight.
- Overnight?
In the slammer?
- We'd be together.
- Oh, that is the lowest,
slimiest, most disgusting.
♪ We're in the money
♪ We're in the money
♪ We picked the ticket
♪ And someone here won
- Schneider, for heaven's
sake, we are trying...
- I have been empowered
to announce that one
amongst you has won
the grand prize of $1,000.
I hold in my hot
little fist, right here,
the winning stub.
And, the number is,
but before I
announce the numbers.
(indistinct objections)
Please, please, I
would like to offer you all
$50 each for your tickets.
- Schneider, who won?
- Katherine, I'll
offer you $100.
- What?
You mean I won?
I won.
I can't believe it.
I've never won anything
before in my whole life.
I can't, give my the
money, give me the money.
- We have one
little technicality.
Now, if you remember,
for good luck,
you filled out the stub
in Gus Webster's name.
- In my name, $1,000?
- Schneider, give that
ticket to my mother.
- Yeah, she paid for it.
- Well, now wait a second.
This is a technicality,
and according
to Napoleonic law,
whom soever's face
is on the stub, the stub is...
- Stay out of this, Schneider.
- Please the court.
- It's mine.
My name is on it.
- Gus, you give that
ticket to Katherine.
- Now.
- Yes, because I paid for it.
- Hold it, hold it.
I'm tired of your
accusations, your insults,
and your whining.
- But, you lied to me.
You used me.
- Oh, join the group.
I've had to deal
with this all of my life.
- Yes, I guess
you're right, Francine.
I must've been a
very poor father.
How wrong of me
to have instilled
in you, the backbone,
the courage,
the shrewdness to
make you the successful,
independent person
you are today.
And you, Katherine,
how I must've hurt you,
sweeping you away from
your precious Bingo games
and your needlepoint
into a kaleidoscope
of adventure and passion.
I shall be on my
way now, Katherine,
but I want you to
have this winning ticket.
You'll receive the rest
of your money shortly.
Goodbye to you all.
I'm sorry you only chose
to see the worst in me.
- Oh, Gus.
Gus, wait.
Wait, please Gus.
Everything is happening so fast.
I'm so confused.
- It's better this
way, Katherine,
better it's over with.
- But, will I ever
see you again?
- Well, that's hard to say.
In my business, one is
constantly on the move.
- Gus, Gus, what you
said to me last night,
did you mean that when you said
that I was a sensual woman?
- You know I did.
- Oh Gus, I'm going to miss you.
- I'd ask you to come
with me, but it's not for you.
You're too pure and innocent.
Farewell, my love.
Don't you worry about me.
I'll be okay.
The open road is the
only ticket I'll need.
Now, I'm not referring
to the raffle ticket.
- Gus, Gus, the raffle
ticket would mean a lot
to you, wouldn't it?
- Oh, I couldn't.
Alright, but it's just a loan.
(audience laughs)
Katherine, wait.
This isn't the raffle ticket.
This is your laundry ticket.
(audience laughs)
- It'll be ready Tuesday.
(audience laughs)
- You switched tickets on me.
Katherine, you're wonderful.
We'd be terrific together.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, yes, yes, I
suppose we would.
Gus?
- Katherine?
- Remember the
line from the song,
♪ We just couldn't say goodnight
- [Gus] Yes.
- Yeah, well, goodnight.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(instrumental theme song)