One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 13 - Ann's Failure - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ Straight ahead

♪ And rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here ♪ Enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing ♪ What you do

♪ Hold on tight ♪
We'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So walk on the
beat ♪ Walk on the beat

♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'

♪ Don' you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Na, na, na, na

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at at time

♪ One day at a time
♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ One day at a time

- Hi.

Field trip I went on for school.

- Yep, I remember.

- You okay?

- I'm fine, Alex.

What about the field trip?

- Well, the school nurse
said it's really hard to get

in the winter, but mine
showed up right in the middle

of home room.

- Your what?

- Poison ivy.

The nurse said I could
be outta school for a week.

It's great.

I'm contagious and everything.

- It's wonderful, Alex.

You get an A plus in poison ivy.

I gotta call Dr. Evans.

- Oh no, that's okay.

The nurse said all you
have to do is put this pink

gunk on it and let the air
get to it and don't scratch

it or it spreads.

If it goes between
your toes you go crazy.

Got anything to eat?

- Alex, look, if
this is contagious

would you just use one towel?

- Step right up
ladies and gentlemen.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna deliver to this
little red headed person

right here one postcard
from Francine in the Bahamas.

There you go.

She says she's already
met divine men and she

hasn't even left the lobby yet.

Here we have our
first class fist full of bills.

Take those, little lady and
here is the piece de resistance,

just what every woman
wants, a skinny box of flowers.

- Schneider, can't
you just enter a room?

Do you always have
to do a stupid routine?

- Well, excuse me, Ms. Meanlips.

I thought it might be a
little amusing to walk in here

and make a few amusing
remarks, but I guess those remarks

were not amusing, so if
you'll excuse me I'll remove

my unamusing self.

- Alright, Schneider, sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

- Okay, I'm back.

Woh oh, somebody
painted the kid pink.

- Schneider, it's pink
gunk for my poison ivy.

- Poison ivy.

Don't scratch it.

I had that when I was a kid.

I got it all over me even
in my ears, up my nose.

- Up your nose?

- Yeah, both nostrils.

I looked like a second
hand flame thrower.

Ms. Romano,
didn't read the card.

It's from your ex.

I just had to remember
the big four O.

Happy birthday, love Ed.

I love it when they
spell love L U V.

Gee, what a nice guy.

Yeah, what a rat.

Why would he send this?

- Number one, today
is not my birthday.

Number two, he always
confuses my birthday

with his mother's which
is an indictment right there.

Number three, I really
don't wanna talk about it.

- Uh oh, smell a rat.

Ed sends you a rose
and all your rivits fly off.

Let me ask you a question.

You still carryin' a
torch for this guy?

- God.

- So much for the torch.

So, what is the problem?

- Schneider, whatever
it is, nobody can

do anything about it.

- Ah ha, so you do
admit there is a problem.

- Schneider, remember
when I hurt your feelings

a minute ago?

I am about to do it again.

- I don't accept that.

When the little bird
has a broken wing.

- Schneider, damn
it, just get outta here.

- Don't have to hit me
in the head with a shovel.

- Mark and I have an
announcement everybody.

- This is gonna be a bit
of a shock so we brought

some tranquilizers,
champagne for you,

for Barbara and me,
root beer for Alex.

I'm sorry, Schneider,
we didn't know you

were gonna be here.

- I'm not.

The Duchess of Indianapolis
just kicked me out.


- No, Schneider, I want
you to be a part of this, too.

- Alright, I'm back.

- Alright, ladies and gentlemen.

At precisely 12:03 on
the university campus,

Mark Frederick Royer
presented Barbara Jean Cooper

with his tooth.

- You see, back in the old
days you pinned a girl, right?

But in the school of
dentistry, we tooth 'em.

- Wait a second.

Let me see if I
have this straight.

Are you two engaged?

- Toll the bells
and tell the people.

- Now, we haven't
set the date yet

and we don't know
what we're gonna do

about finances and we don't know

where we're gonna
live and he hasn't

given me a ring
yet and he didn't

say in so many words,
will you marry me,

but for some reason I think
we're gonna get married.

- Well, let's break
open the Champagne.

- I'll get the glasses.

- I'll open the root beer.

I'd give you a kiss or
something, Barbara,

but I got poison ivy.

- Mail me the kiss.


- Are you alright, Ann?

- Yes, I'm fine.

- A toast.

- Oh, no.

This is not gonna be one
of those long ones, is it?

Got a lab class to get back to.

- Here's a toast I
learned when I's shippin'

into Torgouga for repairs.

May the bridal couple
always be happy,

even at low tide when
the stench from the clams

shrinks your navel.

- Mom, you're not drinking.

- I'm sorry.

- You know, this is
one of those things

if you don't laugh,
you're gonna cry.

I mean, I helped
raise this little girl.

I took her bicycle
right outta the driveway

a couple of times.

Be happy.

- Oh, Schneider, thank you.

- And, you and I, we got
some talkin' to do, too.

I have some fatherly
advice to give you.

Like, be good to her
or of course, I'll kill you.

- Congratulations, you guys.

I'll be in my room.

- I gotta go, too.

Bye, bye.

- Bye.

- Wait a second honey.

Mom, are you not
happy about this?

- Oh, darling, it has nothing
to do with being happy.

As you say, you haven't set
the date and your finances

are a little shaky and you
don't know where you're

gonna live yet.

As I read it, you're
just making sort

of a declaration
of independence.

- Which the mother
country isn't happy about?

- Is it something I did, Annie?

Because if it is, I
haven't done it yet.

- We just want you
to be happy for us.

- Oh, darling, I
am happy for you.

I guess what I'm saying
is, don't rush into anything.

You're both so young.

Give it time.

- In other words, call
ourselves engaged,

but don't change a thing?

- I'll grow on you, Ms. Romano.

And it pays off.

Look, I grew on Barbara
and she wound up

with a gold tooth.

I'll see you tonight.

- Okay.

- Remember, any
girl wearing my tooth

is not allowed to
bite anyone but me

or my relatives.

Well, maybe not my Uncle Reuben.

- You wanna hear
something silly?

When Mark and I
decided to get married

I couldn't wait to
see the expression

on your face when we told you.

I giggled like a silly
fool when we bought

all that stupid champagne.

- Yeah, I know Barbara.

- Mom, you don't know

or you wouldn't let your
face go dead like that.

- Barbara, listen to me.

Mark seems like a good person.

He loves you, you love him.

I just have the gut
feeling that you're

not ready for marriage.

- Well then you better
explain that to my hormones.

They've been screaming for
action for quite a while now.

- I'm not talking
biologically, Barbara.

It's not your fault.

It's mine.

I haven't prepared
you for the real world.

Your sister either,
for that matter.

She plunged into marriage
and look at that mess.

- I'm not Julie.

- No, but you're about
to do the same thing.

All I've been able to
accomplish in my 40 years

is get my girls ready to make
the very same mistake I made.

- No, wait a second.

That's not fair.

It's not the same, mom.

I made my own
decision to leave school.

I got my own job.

I've earned a paycheck
for over a year now.

I'm not marrying Mark
to jump from one safe

little nest to another.

I'm marrying him because
I love him and I think

I can be more with
him than without him.

- No, my sweet.

Before you can be more
with somebody, you have

got to be somebody alone.

That was my mistake.

I was never a person all
by myself until it was too late,

until I had ruined two children.

Barbara, listen to me.

I am talking about all
the things I didn't do

I should've made you do.

I mean, it's my fault you're
not interested in anything.

It's my fault you haven't
been more exposed

to opera and the ballet.

It's my fault that you're
not in the Peace Corps.

It's my fault, Barbara.

I have turned out a
beautiful girl who looks

like a woman who's
about 20 minutes away

from playing with dolls.

You don't have the first.

- What do you want me to do?

What would you like me to do?

Run for Governor, take
Albert Schweitzer lessons.

I'm sorry, mom.

I'm just a 20 year old imbecile
who wants to get married.

- No.

- You wanna know something?

I thought I turned
out pretty good.

I didn't know you were
making all those mistakes.

So, poor, dumb me, I was happy.

Just do me a favor, okay.

I'm not you, so don't
inflict your dreams on me.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go
play with my dolls for awhile.

(audience clapping)

- Is she home?

No, I can see by your faces.

Tell me about it, Barbara.

Every detail.

My baby is out there in
this blizzard and we have

to act fast.

She has very thin blood.

- Grandma.

I told you on the phone,
mom and I had a fight.

- Did you call Schneider?

- Yeah, he's out someplace.

- What's wrong with your arm?

- I got poison ivy.

- Oh, good.

Barbara, did you
call the police?

- Not for poison ivy.

- Here, here.



Get me the police.

- Grandma, it's no use.

- The police are very
kind to hysterical mothers.

Hello, who is this?

Sargent, listen, I wanna
report a missing person.

Hold on, what is she wearing?

- Fuzzy Wuzzy slippers
and a fuzzy red fake fur coat.

- She's wearing
fuzzy fakey slippers

and a reddy coattie wussie fur.

Sargent, don't put me on hold.

Please, not hold.


- You outta be
ashamed of yourself

wanderin' around
in freezing weather

in nothin' but your grubbies.

Here, give me this.

Sit down there.

What if I hadn't come
by just when I did?

I mean, what am I gonna
tell the neighborhood,

you know what I mean.

Yeah, I got a frozen
red headed Popsicle

sitting out on there stoop.

You sure you don't
wanna go upstairs?

- Sure.

- Here, let me put
this blanket on you.

It's now, this is
a terrific blanket,

you know what I mean>

This blanket, I put this
inside of my sleeping bag

whenever I go deer hunting.

- Thank you.

- Holy mackerel, your
hair, your hair is all wet.

I bet your feet are all.

Oh, for God's sake.

Now listen, I gotta
do somethin' here.

I know how you
feel about liquor,

but this is not
liquor, this is brandy.

Just think of it as
French anti-freeze.

But, watch it.

It'll knock you right
off your keister.

Okay, now with this, all
you do is you sniff and sip.

Just sniff and sip, alright.

That's right, sniff and sip.

Watch out you don't
get any in your nose.

I'll get you a towel.

How could you do that.

I mean, what kind of intelligence
are we talkin' about here?

Let me get you some, oh,
I have some muck lucks.

Maybe they'll bring
you some good luck.

I tell you, I don't
understand women.

Mind tellin' me
what's been goin' on?

- Oh, Schneider,
I would if I could.

I mean, I'm healthy
and my job is terrific

and I've got a daughter who
is engaged to what seems like

a very nice guy, but I'm so
damn depressed as if my whole

life is just not
worth a plug nickel.

- I'm gonna put these
in the oven on low.

I tell you somethin' Romano,

maybe it's none of my business

and maybe you wanna
give me a belt in the mouth

for opening my big mouth.

Here, keep this on you.

It'll keep you a little warm.

Maybe you wanna give
me a belt in the mouth

but the thing is, you've
been workin' very, very hard

lately and you haven't been
dating, you haven't gone out.

When that happens to a
woman she doesn't go out,

you know, I mean, you
know it kind of grunges up

her blood stream, you know.

- No, I don't need a man.

- I'll let that one go.

Another thing is that
well at a certain point

in every woman's life she
gets hit with all this chemistry.

- It's not menopause either.

- Takes care of the two biggies.

It's not menopause
and it's not men at night.

(audience clapping and laughing)

I don't mean to
appear, you know, bossy

or pryin' or anything.

The only reason I say these
things to you, Ms. Romano,

and I mean this.

This is from the
heart, not the loins.

I love you.

- Oh, Schneider,

I love you, too.

- Of course, I don't
think my loins will ever

speak to me again.

I gotta tell you somethin'.

What you did out there
tonight in the cold weather,

that's dumb.

- I know.

But this is the winter
of my discontent.


I am looking at my life from
the downhill side, Schneider.

And, you wanna know what's
over there at the bottom?


Come on, Schneider, guess.

Come on.

You're no fun, okay.

I'm going to tell
you, dear old friend.

My own mortality.

You wanna know what I've
done going up hill, Schneider?


and if you haven't done
anything going up hill,

then all you can do
going downhill is keep

right on going down.


- You wanna give me the
breakdown on the amount

of sniffin' and sippin' you did?

- You know, Schneider, when
I was walking around outside

before, I remember this
dream I had, Francine was in it.

She was 12 feet tall and she
was surrounded by about 12

Fred Astaire's and she was
dancing from one Fred Astaire

to the other Fred Astaire
and the other Fred Astaire.

I kept trying to follow her
you know, and I kept tripping.

And then, it wasn't Francine
anymore, it was Barbara.

She was waltzing down the
isle holding a bridal bouquet

of baby bottles and she
was sucking on a pacifier.

Then, she got down to the
isle and the altar you know,

and what'd you think
was on the altar?

Come on, I want you to guess.

Come on, tell me, come
on, guess, guess, come on.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you.

On the altar was
this huge pot of glue.

One more step and you're stuck
Annie, Julie, I mean Barbara.

One more step, one
more fill 'er up, Schneider.

- I think your
slippers need basting.

- I'm gonna try Schneider again.

- Good.

- Hello, Schneider, you're home.

- Schneider, Ann is gone.

- The itsy bitsy spider
went up the water spout.

Down came the rain.

- That's the itsy
bitsy spider song.

I taught her that when
she was three years old.

Schneider, you've
got my daughter.

- Yeah, yeah.

- The itsy bitsy spider went up.

- Ms. Romano, please
look out, will you?

- Down came the rain
and washed the spider out.

Out came the sun
and dried up all the rain.

(audience clapping and laughing)


- What?

- The room is going around.

I don't feel good.

- Oh gosh.

- Oh, I don't feel good.

- That's alright, I gotta
change these sheets tomorrow.

I know, it's alright.

Don't worry about dizzy.

You know what, easy now.

Let's just snuggle in there.

There you go.

- You animal.

- Oh, no, no, grandma.

- You animal.

- Hi mom.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Schneider.

I want to apologize again
for smashing you in the jaw.

- That's alright, I was
up at the count of six.

I could've gone on.

I just thought I would
stop by and check and see

how you're feelin' this
mornin', Ms. Romano.

- I'm okay.

Only, my hair hurts
and my teeth itch.

- Ho, ho, ho, that's what I
call a major league hangover.

- Schneider, thank
you for last night.

- It was good brandy.

- No.

It was baring my
soul to a good friend.

Thank you.

- Well, I gotta go now.

Mark's borrowing
me for his exam.

- Barbara, I'm not
sure I like the sound

of Mark borrowing
you for his examination.

- Don't worry, grandma.

It's nothing sexy, he's just
taking a wax impression

of my teeth.

- Barbara, wait a minute.

I didn't mean to fall apart

at the biggest
announcement of your life.

You are a terrific young woman.

I'm very proud of you.


- Thanks.

- I love you.

- Well, bye.

- Bye, honey.

- I would also like to

add my congratulations at
the passing of your mood.

- Mood?

- Yeah, of course.

Don't ever forget,

please always remember

the words of that
great Irish poet

when he wrote,

a woman's moods are
like the ides of March,

so hang loose,
April is comin' up.

(audience clapping and laughing)

- Okay, mom.

Quit stalling.

- Stalling?

- You've been sweeping
that same piece of carpet

all morning long.

- Annie, I'm gonna tell
you something I've never

told another soul.

When I was a young
woman I was happily married.

I had a beautiful
little daughter, you.

We had a nice house.

Your father drove a Packard.

One morning I woke
up and I hated it.


The house, the Packard,
your father, even you,

not you really,

just, just my life.

Annie, I thought I
was going crazy.

And you know, in those days
if you said anything like that

to somebody they'd either
pat you on the head or have

your bedroom walls quilted.

- And.

- And I thought I was the
only one that ever happened to.

But, I'm not, am I?

- No.

Oh, mom. (crying)

- My baby.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, Annie.

Annie honey,
look at it this way.

We're sharing something,

something miserable,
but we're sharing it.

And Annie, one more
thing, sweetheart.

One more thing,

this thing you
have it takes a while

but it does go away.

- When?

- When you feel like
washing a Packard.

- Thanks, mom.

(audience laughing)


(upbeat music)