One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 12 - Stick 'em Up - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ Well this is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
♪ And rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here ♪ Enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at at time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- Mr. Erskine.

- Good evening, Ms. Romano

- Shhh, no, what is
Barbara doing here?

I thought you were going
to send her out on an errand.

- I was but,

we got so busy, I
haven't been able to.

The birthday cake arrived,
I hid it in the storeroom

behind the frisbees.

- Good.

Mr. Erskine, would you
get her out of here, please,

the others are going to be here

- any minute - Yeah.

- Ah, Barbara, would
you run that down

to the mailbox for me?

- Oh, sure Mr. Erskine.

- Thanks.

- Oh, Mr. Erskine, why
don't I just drop this off

on my way home?

- Eh, do it now, huh, please.

- OK.

Oh, Mr. Erskine,

isn't it a little bit too late

for a pick up now?

- Uh, not to Cleveland,

they passed a special
law about Cleveland.

Don't you watch 60 Minutes?

- I guess I missed that one.

Oh, I forgot my jacket.

- Oh, I'll get it.

- Thanks, Mr. Erskine.

Thank you.

- She's gone, it's OK.

- Thank God, I think
I was getting shorter.

- I'm sorry about that.

- No it's OK, really.

Shh, hey, everybody, come on.

- Oh boy, it is colder
than a witch's...

- Mom.

I'd like you to meet
Mr. Erskine, the manager,

this is my mother,
this is Mr. Schneider.

- Hi.
- Hi, everybody.

- You better get
in the storeroom.

- Yeah, we're really
gonna surprise her this time,

she's never gonna
expect to find us in here.

- Hurry up, here she comes.

- Cold out there.

- Well, that was quick.

- Oh, yeah, neither
rain, nor sleet,

nor muggers in the night.


- Well, I gotta get home.

- Okay.

- My wife called.

I forgot her mother
is coming to dinner.

I always forget when her
mother is coming to dinner.

- OK, I'll lock up.

- Oh, great.

Oh, and before you
leave, go in the storeroom

and do a quick
inventory of that shipment

that came in today, huh?

- OK.

- Thanks.

Good night.

- Good night.

- Hi, can I help you?

- No, I think I'll just look
around for a minute, thanks.

- OK, you need
anything, just yell.

- OK, thanks.

- Gee, you're not
very busy, are ya?

- No, afraid we're not.

We're just about to close up.

- Oh.

Um, do you know anything
about fishing tackle?

- No, not very much, I'm afraid.

- Hmm, is there anybody
else here who could help me?

- No, I'm sorry.

- Good, cuz this is a stick-up.

Now, don't yell,
and don't scream,

and maybe you won't get hurt.

- Is that real?

- You wanna hear it go boom?

- Look, please
mister, don't hurt me...

- Girlie, I'm not gonna hurt ya,

unless you do something stupid.

- Good point.

- Say hello to my
friends, Charlie, Sam.

Charlie, lock the door.

- Right.

- Okay.

Now, open up the cash register.

Come on.

- There you go.

- Put all the money in there.

Come on, come on, come
on, I don't have all day.

What's in there?

- Oh, that's just the storeroom.

- You sure?

- Positive, I mean,
I wouldn't lie to you.

If I did, you might,
uh, - Heh, good point.


What are you laughing at?

- Laughing?

Me, I'm not laughing.

This is laughing,
ah, ha, ha, ha.

That, eh he he, is hysteria.

- I'm gonna put you
in that storeroom,

while we clean this place out.

Sam, pull the van
up in front of the door.

And, you, you just
keep behaving yourself

and nothing's going
to happen to ya.

- Yes, sir.

- [Family] Surprise!

- What the Hell is this?

- What do you think it is,
ninny, it's a surprise party?

♪ Happy Birthday to you,

♪ Happy Birthday to you,

♪ Happy Birthday dear Barbara

♪ [Schneider]
Happy Birthday to you.

- You want a little
higher, a higher key, OK?

♪ Happy Birthday...

- Schneider - What, wha?

- It's a hold up.

- Oh, my God.

- There's three of 'em.

- Is that thing real?

- Who is this dummy?

- Now, wait a second slats...

- Shut up, bozo.

- Yeah, I just wanted to
check on the no talking, it's...

- Barbara, are you OK?

- You hurt?

- I'm OK, just scared.

- Ain't nobody gonna get hurt,

unless you try to become
heroes, and then you get hurt,

and I mean dead hurt.

Oh, and uh, by the way,
happy birthday, Barbara.

- Ha, ha, that's nice.

- Are you all right?

- Oh, God, it was awful.

I mean he just came in there
and he pointed that gun at me,

I mean you read about
these things in the papers

but you never think it's
gonna happen to you.

- I know, sweetheart, I know.

God, this is insane, what's
happening to this country,

crazy people running
around with guns.

- You're not safe anywhere.

- Now wait a second,
let's just calm down,

nobody panic.

All right, as the only man
here with any battle experience,

I better plan a strategy.

- What strategy.

- A strategy to escape.

- Escape, if we try to
escape, they'll kill us.

- Just forget it Schneider...

- Now, wait a second, I
remember once in Tangiers,

you see the shore patrol
raided this house of a...

- Questionable repute?

- There was no
question about it, they,

but the thing of
it was, you see,

- they...
- Schneider,

- with all due respect to
man's natural role as leader

and protector, shush.

- I'm just sayin' that
we gotta think carefully,

we gotta think
clearly, (banging)

- And I am saying
that we gotta do

whatever we have
to do to stay alive.

- Ah, chicken.

- Grandma.

- Your mother always was afraid.

I remember every
Halloween she was so afraid

of the ghosts and goblins,

I never got to go

- All I'm saying is, we
should just wait for help.

- Or, until they
come back to kill us?

- Well, I can't do that.

That's not in me.

I can't just hang around.

You got any weapons in here?

Are there any...

- Right on, because
if they come in,

we'll pound 'em
until their bells ring.

- Terrific, we'll
kill 'em, 21 to 14.

- Look, don't you have
any bows and arrows?

Any bazookas?

- No.

Stop playing John Wayne.

I had a gun held up against
my back, I can still feel it.

Do you know how
frightening that is?

Those guys mean business.

- Shh, shh,
sweetheart, all right.

- Okay, okay, now how are
we gonna get out of here?

- Where is Superman
when you really need him?

- Wait a minute.

He's on his way.

- Superman?

- Bob Morton.

- What happened to Clark Kent?

- He had a late class.

- Clark Kent?

- Bob Morton.

He should be here any minute.

When he gets here,
if they're still here,

he'll see them and
he'll call the police.

- And, if they're gone,
Bob can let us out.

- Exactly.

- I think I feel
a little bit better.

- Aw, this is terrific.

We're gonna be rescued
by a forestry major

who plays the tuba.

- Barbara honey, this
whole mess is my fault.

I insisted that we do
something unusual

for your birthday this year.

- Well, you succeeded.

- Look, look, we're stuck here,

so we might as well
make the best of it.

Why don't we have
some birthday cake, OK?

Come on Schneider, help me.

Look sweetheart,
this is your favorite.

- Mom, how can
you think of cake?

- Oh, Annie, come on,
don't be a party pooper.

- Grandma, it's
very nice, thank you.

Schneider, do you
want the first piece?

- We're prisoners in
here, I don't want any cake.

- It's Dutch chocolate,
with custard filling.

- OK.

Probably be good for our
morale to have a piece of,

oh, but before we
have any cake, let's uh,

here we go, let's
toast the birthday girl.

- What is that, Schneider?

- This is champagne.

- A six pack of champagne?

- Great value, plain wrap.

OK, to Barbara, on
her 20th birthday,

may she lead a
long and happy life,

and may she reach
her 21st birthday.

- Oh, Schneider, please.

- May you reach
you're 39th birthday.

- Schneider, could
you gimme a break?

- May I reach my
39th birthday - 39?

- Happy birthday, sweetheart.
- Happy birthday.

- Happy birthday, love.

- What a birthday.

Stuck in this place by people
we've never seen before.

Oh, why did they do this?

- Well, now listen, maybe
the police will catch them.

- Oh, yeah, the
police will catch 'em,

and they'll get out of jail

faster than we'll
get out of this room.

- Listen, I haven't heard
a sound for a while,

maybe they're gone.

- You think so?

- Yeah, well if I were them,
I'd be on my way to Alaska,

unless I remembered I'd left
behind some witnesses who could


- Thanks, Mom.

- All right, that does it.


Open up, come on, we
want to talk to you guys.

Come on, open up.

- Open up.
- Schneider, Schneider

- They're gonna hear you.

- I know they're gonna hear me,

why do you think I'm
banging on 'em for?

Come on, I wanna
talk to you guys.

- Shut up.

You'll make 'em mad.

- Mad?

(jangling keys)

- Ooooh, I wish I'd taken
that self-defense class.

- Now everybody
stand behind Schneider.

- Behind.

- Annie.

- Mom.

- Dwayne

- Hi everyone.

- Oh, Bob.

Oh, thank God it's you.

- Are they gone?

- Oh, you wouldn't have
believed that gunman,

he was so ugly,
horrible, disgusting,

but nice, very nice.

- Well, happy birthday, Barb.

- Yeah, thanks Bob.

- Listen, wait a second, I
wanna talk to you for a minute,

OK, I mean, we're
walking out of here,

one way or another
and that's it...

- You jackass.

Now, I've only shot
one person in my life,

but you could be
number two, real easy.

Now you sit down,
and shut your mouth.

Charlie and Sam, tie 'em all up.


- Now I know what a turkey
feels like at Thanksgiving.

- At least I can
get some exercise.

I don't really need it.

- Oh, this is like a bad
dream, and I'm riding for help.

- Well, Schneider, I
guess you told them, huh?

Ah, how you feel?

You happy, now?

- I'm having a ball.

- My 20th birthday and I
may never get out of here.

Thanks, Mom.

- What?

- Wait, you said, wait, Barbara.

- What are you talking about?

- You know exactly
what I'm talking about.

- No, I have no idea.

- Well, I waited, now
I'm gonna die a virgin.

- Hey Barb, maybe we could,

No, just a crazy thought.

Wild, wonderful, crazy thought.

- I can't stand these ropes.

- All right, now, just
because they got us tied up,

doesn't give us
any reason to panic.

- Schneider's right.

Rule number one, never panic.

Two, avoid anxiety.

Three, even if it seems
hopeless, keep trying.

- Where'd you learn that?

The Eagle Scouts?

- No, sex education.

- What time is it anyway?

- Here, look at my watch.

- It doesn't say anything.

- It's a digital, you
gotta push the button.

- What time is it?

- January.

- That's the month.

Push the button twice.

- Wow?

- That's Monday, upside down.

- OK, what time is it?

- Oh, it's 7:43.

- Oh, my Lord, this is
awful, this is terrible.

- What's the matter, Mom?

- We missed our reservation
at the Escoffier Room.

Barbara, honey, that
was part of your surprise.

- The Escoffier Room?

I wanna get outta here.

We're never gonna
get out of here.

And, I never got to see
Paris in the springtime.

- I never even got to Ohio
for the Buzzard Festival.

- Bob, you're an
incurable romantic.

- I know.

Hey, Barb, I may never get
another chance to say this,

so, well you know how
I've always felt about you.

- Bob, I've always liked you.

- Barbara, I still
fantasize about you.

- Uh, Bob.

- It's always a warm, spring,

- night, - Bob, no.

- The sky is full of stars.

- Bob, please, not...
- It's exciting.

- Bob.

- There we are.

- [Everyone] Bob.

- Playing miniature golf.

- Miniature golf?

That's your fantasy?

- Well, that's the
one I can talk about.

- You're putting me on, right?

- Yeah, I had you going
there for a minute, didn't I?


- Well, hello, gang.

Everything OK in here?

- Oh, peachy.

- Yeah, we're
just sitting around.

- Well, we've been so
busy, we forgot something.

- What?

- Your wallets and purses.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Hey, listen, are you
guys almost done out there?

If I don't get my
Dad's car home,

I could be in real trouble.

- Listen, leave me
my membership card

down at the lodge, huh?

- You know I, um, I'm real happy

with the way you've all
been behaving yourselves.

You can tell.

- How?

- You're still alive.

You just relax,
enjoy yourselves.

We won't be here much longer.

- That's what Russia
told Afghanistan.

- This guys gonna keep
us tied up here all night long.

- I wanna get out of here now.

- Me, too, (panting)

- Bob, Bob, but wait,
Bob, I'm coming, Bob, Bob,

wait a minute, are you
all right, are you all right?

- Okay, I'm somewhat

- You're afraid of Santa Claus?

- I'm sorry, I just can't
stand tight places.

I can't breathe.

- Well, is there
anything we can do?

Anything we can do to help?

- Yeah, don't breathe so much.

- Save air.
- Okay.

- The best thing is to
get your mind off it, OK?

Barbara, honey,
blow out the candles.

- Yeah, they're
burning up my oxygen.

- They're not even lit anymore.

- Well, pretend.

- OK, OK, make a wish, good...

- You mean, besides
wishing to be alive tomorrow?

- Make a nice wish, honey,

something very
personal and secret.

- Ha, ha, you got 'em all.

- OK, what was it?

- It was personal
and secret, Grandma.

- OK, don't tell me.

You're as stubborn
as your mother.

- What does that mean?

- You never would eat your
beets when you were little.

- Beets?

- She was so stubborn.

You know, I can remember
she sat there at the dinner table,

and she refused to
swallow her beets.

They were all stuffed
up in her cheeks.

She looked like a chipmunk.

- You know, Mom,

I don't think anybody's
interested in beets.

- I have a theory, you know.

It was the lack of beets
that's responsible for her

being so short.

- Can we drop it
with the damn beets?

- Well, excuse me.

If you'd eaten your beets,
you wouldn't be so grouchy.

- I don't believe this, I
really don't believe this,

I really don't believe this,

there are three gunmen out there

and we are sitting in
here talking about beets.

- All right, now we're
all getting a little uptight.

- Nobody's uptight.

- So just follow my advice,
everybody take some nice

deep breaths.

Calm us down.

All right, one, two, three.


- Stop that, you're
taking my air.

- What's your air
doing over here?

- He can't help it.

- Look at his nostrils.

They're like wind tunnels.

Stealing our air.


- Hey, hey, I got my hands free.

- Mom.
- That's fantastic.

- Untie me first.

- Shh, shh, shh.

- Quiet, quiet.

They'll hear.

- Wait a second, if
they were still out there,

they would have heard us by now.

- Those guys have split.

- They're gone.

- Quick, everybody
make some noise.

Maybe somebody'll here us.

- [Everyone] Help!

- Grandma, come on, give it up.

There's no sense yelling
or anything anymore,

it's been way over an hour.

- Really.


- You know, I think two of
these wires are connected

to that big sign outside.

Now, if I can break the
circuit, I can flash an SOS.

- Do you know Morse Code?

- Oh, yeah, he could
never keep a secret.

- My Dad'll never believe this.

- I think

these are the two.

- [Everyone] Oh, my, God.

- [Barbara] Oh Schneider.

- [Scneider] Listen,
uh, light a match,

will you, light a
match, I can't see.

- Uh, Schneider, are you OK?

- [Schneider] Yeah, I'm
OK, I just can't see the wires.

Please help me, will ya?

Will you help me, please?

Turn the lights on...

Thank you.

- Schneider, are you OK?

- Yeah, I'm OK.

- You're afraid of the dark.

- What? (laughing)

Afraid of the dark?


Yes I was.

I guess, I guess I'm not too
much different than Bob here,

in some ways.

I mean, you know,

being in the dark just
gave me the willies.

- It's OK, Schneider.

Lots of kids are
afraid of the dark.

- I still sleep with
a night light on.

- Yeah, me too.

- See, I grew up in a real
rough neighborhood, you know.

When I was just a little
baby, two three years of age,

I'd go to bed at night

and I'd hear all these sirens,

you know, sirens,

and they was always
coming closer to me,

and I always felt that
something, I dunno,

a monster was gonna grab me

right in the middle of
the night, you know?

- Oh, I know how
you must've felt.

- I wouldn't have
gotten any sleep at all

if it wasn't for my father,

he used to sing me to
sleep with a nice little lullaby.

- Aw, that's very nice.

- Yeah.

♪ Anchors away, my boy

♪ Anchors away - Anchors away?

♪ Farewell to college joys

♪ We sail at break of day

- He sang you Anchors Away?

- Yeah, he loved that song.

I did, too.

I guess maybe that's why I
joined the Navy, you know?

Course it did cause
some problems.

Whenever we went out
on parade, I'd fall asleep.

I wanna apologize, Bob,
for calling you chicken.

- Aw, it's OK.

I've had some
thoughts about you, too.

- I wanna get out of here.

We've gotta do something.

We've gotta do something.

- Oh, honey, honey,
it's all right, it's all right.

We're all scared to death.

- Oh, all this crime,
just terrifies me.

It makes me so damn mad.

I don't know, I
gotta do something.

Get involved, form a
neighborhood watch, I dunno,

- something.
- Vigilantes, that's what

- we should form.



- They're here again.

- It's them.

- I've about had this.

- Right, enough is enough.

- All right, let's
get some weapons.

Come on.

We're gonna show those
guys, oh, excuse me.

Come on.

- Mr. Erskine.

- Ah.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, now we are.

- The police are here.

Those crooks got away
with about half of my store,

but if you're willing
to give descriptions...

- [All] We'll give descriptions

- Come on honey, let's go home.

- We're out.

- I wanna tell
you all something.

Schneider, Bob, Grandma, Mom,

I just want you all to know...

- Oh, honey, it's not necessary.

- No, yes it is, necessary.

I just want you all to know

that this has been the worst
birthday of my entire life.



(upbeat music)