One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 1 - Alex Moves In - full transcript
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
(Phone ringing)
- Oh, come on!
- Alright, alright, alright.
Keep ringing, keep ringing.
Alright, I'm coming, I'm
coming, please don't stop.
Alright, I'm here.
Here, hi!
Oh I'm sorry could you speak
a little more slowly please
I can't understand you.
- Who is it?
- It's Alex's mother,
she sounds very upset.
Yes, Felicia, I'm listening.
Yeah.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Oh, no.
- What is it?
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Yes, I'll call. Goodbye.
- Well, you gonna keep
me in suspense forever
with those oh nos?
(audience laughing)
- Alex ran away.
- Oh, no.
(audience laughing)
- Felicia woke up this
morning and he was gone.
- Well, now that doesn't
exactly mean he ran away.
- He left a note saying
he was never coming back.
- That means he ran away.
(audience laughing)
- She thinks he may
be on his way here.
- All the way from Chicago?
- That's what she said.
- Poor Alex.
It seems like everything
crashed in on him at once.
First his mom remarrying
then moving to Chicago,
then his dad dying.
Oh, mom, I'm sorry.
I know it's really
been hard on you, too.
- It's funny, you know.
Everything just
goes along so great
and then in a single instant
some damn drunk driver
just changes everything.
I still find it very
difficult to believe
that Nick is gone.
- Yeah, me too.
- Well, I'm scared
about Alex, you know.
He could be in real trouble.
Barbara, I thought
you were on a diet.
- I am.
- Well, then what
happened to my apple pie?
And what's this
half finished bowl
of cocoa booms doing here?
- Mom, I don't eat cocoa
booms and apple pie together.
- Barbara, who else
could it possibly be?
(audience laughing)
- [Both] Alex?
- No, no, no, no, no.
It couldn't be.
- Well it's either Alex
or Julie came back.
(audience laughing)
- I am positive it is not
Alex.
- What's all the racket about?
- Baby.
You're okay.
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- Well, Alex.
Your mother is
half out of her mind.
- A lot she cares.
She's gone on a
vacation to the Bahamas.
- Really?
She just called from Chicago.
- Oh, well it must have
been a really short trip.
You know, one of
those world wind tours.
(audience laughing)
- Alex.
- Low-fat yogurt?
Don't girls eat anything
but low-fat yogurt?
- Alex.
You ran away from
home, didn't you?
- I guess you could
look at it that way.
- How did you get here
all the way from Chicago?
- By bus, it was
a miserable trip.
I had to sit next to a nun.
I was never so
nervous in all my life.
(audience laughing)
- Bus fairs are expensive,
where'd you get the money?
- By washing eight
cars, three trucks,
a tractor and a baby.
(audience laughs)
- A baby?
- Yeah, he was
in one of the cars.
I forgot to roll up the window.
(audience laughs)
- Alex,
Alex, why did you
run away from home?
- For a lot of reasons.
For one thing I
can't stand Chicago.
It's windy, it's noisy,
and I was worried
about the gangsters.
(audience laughs)
- There haven't been
gangsters in Chicago for years.
- See, they couldn't
take it either.
- Damn it!
Alex, your mother is frantically
worried to death about,
I've got to call her
and tell her you're okay.
- Ms. Romano, I
don't want to go back.
I want to stay here and
live with you and Barbara.
- What about your mother?
- She doesn't need
me, she's married.
You know what my stepfather
asked me to do once?
- No?
- He asked me to call him dad.
He's not my dad.
He's just some guy
who's married my mom.
It's not just him,
it's everything.
I belong here.
- No, Alex, you don't.
You belong with your mother.
- Ms. Romano, I
don't want to go back.
All my friends are
here, my school is here.
And the two people
whom I admire and love
more than any other
two people in the world.
- Alex, cut the bull.
(audience laughs)
- Ms. Romano, I
want to stay, please?
- I've gotta call
your mother, Alex.
- Ms. Romano, if I was
meant to live in Chicago
I would have been
born with a windbreaker.
(audience laughs)
please don't call.
- Alex, I have to.
(door bell rings)
- Hello, Ann.
- Hi, Felicia.
- Is Alex alright?
- Yes, he's just fine.
Come on in.
You remember my
daughter Barbara?
- Yes, how are you?
- Hi.
- It's not like Alex
to run away like this.
- Yeah, I know.
- I don't want to go
home, I want to stay here.
- Oh, Alex.
- Mom.
- Oh, my baby.
- Mom, do you have to kiss me
in front of the whole world.
- That's okay, I won't look.
- I just don't see
why I can't stay here
and go to school
with my friends.
- Alex, would you
go pack your bags?
I want to talk to Ann.
- Don't I have any say in this?
- Alex, please.
- K.
- Ann, I just don't
know what to do.
- Oh, give it time.
He'll adjust.
- I'm not so sure.
Alex's entire life
has been disrupted.
But what makes things even worse
is the fact that Charlie and
I will be moving around a lot
trying to set up a business,
Alex just won't have
any roots anymore.
- Well, I wish there was
something we could do to help.
- Well, as a matter
of fact there is.
- Sure, anything, name it.
- How would you
like to keep Alex?
Well, I mean just for
the rest of the semester.
He needs some stability
and I feel so guilty
dragging him around
from town to town.
- Yeah, I understand
that, Felicia.
- Naturally, naturally
I'll take care of his
room and board.
- Well, that sounds pretty fair.
- Barbara, that's not the point.
- Ann, I want you to know
I would miss him terribly,
but it would be so
much easier for him
and Charlie and I could
work out our lives first.
I think Nick would approve.
- We could convert
that walk-in closet,
knock out a wall,
unblock a window.
- Barbara, could I talk
to you for a minute?
(audience laughs)
Would you excuse
me, I just, just a minute,
Barbara, would you
come over here please?
(audience laughs)
- What's the matter?
- What are you trying to do?
- I feel sorry for Alex,
why can't we help him?
- Barbara, Alex has a mother.
And who's supposed
to take care of him?
- I will.
- I remember you
saying something similar
about a certain cocker spaniel.
(audience laughs)
- I took care of Patches.
- Except when he was hungry,
dirty, and making puddles.
(audience laughs)
- I don't think Alex'll
be making any puddles.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara, I work and you work.
There's not going to be
anybody here afterschool
when Alex gets home.
- Schneider'll be here.
Mom, he's 13 years old.
He'll be like the
brother I never had.
- Barbara, darling.
If you had wanted a brother
you should have mentioned
something 15 years ago.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, do we really have to go?
- I'm afraid so, toots.
- I'll go, but I don't want to.
I don't have any
friends in Chicago.
And I don't like
the idea of moving
and moving and moving.
- You wanna know something?
- Yeah.
- I don't like the
idea of moving either.
But Charlie and I have only
been married a few months
and it's his job,
and he wants...
- I know, I know.
- Okay, babe, we
better be on our way.
Thank you so
much for everything.
I'm sorry.
- Wait.
I didn't say I
wouldn't take him.
Just for the semester.
- Then you'll do it?
- Yeah, but there is one thing.
I'm not a patient woman.
- No kidding.
(audience laughs)
- Now if things don't work out,
if the kid here gives
me any problems,
that's it, he's gone.
- Problems? Me.
- Yeah.
Look at this, the mustard
top is on the jam jar
and the ice cream is melting
all over the tuna casserole.
- I think it's neat having
a kid in the house.
- So do I.
(door bell rings)
I'll get it.
Oh, Mr. Roberts, Hi.
- Hi.
Is this your skateboard?
(audience laughs)
- Why, of course, it's Alex's.
- Alright. (phone ringing)
- I'll get it.
- Yeah, okay.
Where'd you find it?
- In my living room.
- Oh, how did it get there?
- Most likely through the hole
it made in my window.
(audience laughs)
- Just one second, hold on.
Mom, there is a very
angry lady on the phone.
- Yeah, I've got a very
angry man here at the door.
- Yes, but she
said that Alex ran
through the girls' locker room
and she wants to know
if he's a sex maniac.
(audience laughs)
- Sex maniac.
Would you excuse
me, just a moment.
Please.
Hi, can I help you?
- Yeah, that window
is gonna cost you $43.
- $43?
- Yeah, it's broken
on both sides.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara, there's some
money there in my purse.
I'm sorry about the window.
And the locker room, ma'am.
Yes, I am.
And I will certainly
have a talk with Alex.
Yes, bye.
- You sure have a
reckless hellion for a son.
- Oh no, he's not my son.
Not happy.
- What happened to you?
- I got in a fight.
- A fight?
That's really terrific,
Alex, you know.
You've had one wonderful day.
I would like to, oh! Alex!
(applause)
Alright, Barbara,
what did I use to do
when you had a bloody nose?
- No, I never had
then, Julie did.
- No, Julie didn't
have bloody noses.
She gave them.
(audience laughs)
Alex, what does your
mother do in cases like this?
- Well, she feeds me ice cream
and holds my head to her breast.
(audience laughs)
- He must mean it.
It couldn't be a line yet?
(audience laughs)
- Well, nose bleed is all gone.
- Thanks, Ms. Romano.
I'm gonna work
on my model plane.
- Alex, hold it.
Now that you're not dying,
I would like to talk to you.
Look, you've been
here for two days
and already you've
been in a fight,
you put your skateboard
through a window,
and you've made a run
through the girls' locker room.
- Yeah, but that
one was on a dare.
(audience laughs)
- A dare!
Alex, if some guy dared you
to swallow a bug, does
that mean you have to do it?
- Who told you about the bug?
(audience laughs)
And the window was an accident.
I mean, I was doing
a 10-foot wheelie
and my skateboard just kinda
shot out and went through it.
- I'm afraid to ask
about the fight.
- I just got mad at some kid
because he threw my
gym clothes in the shower.
That's all, nothing to it.
- I see, and you did
nothing to cause it?
- Well, he might have
gotten a little annoyed
when I put peanut
butter in his sneakers.
(giggling)
- Barbara, that's not funny.
- I know.
(giggling)
- Barbara!
And Alex, you're going to
have to pay for that window.
- I know, Ms. Romano.
I'm gonna have to
get some kind of job.
- Was it smooth or crunch?
(audience laughs)
- It was crunchy!
(laughing hysterically)
- You guys, this is not funny.
This is serious now.
Alex, you've got
to promise me now
no more fights, no
more broken windows,
and no more running
through locker rooms.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay.
- Ms. Romano, can you put this
with the rest of
my stuff, please?
- Yeah, sure.
(giggling)
- Alex, I didn't want to say
anything in front of mom,
'cuz I didn't want to get
you in any more trouble
but this morning
when you left for school
you were in an old sweater.
What happened to it?
Did you lose it?
- No, I didn't.
I traded it to some
guy for a tarantula.
(audience laughs)
- Tarantula?!
- Yeah, that was
what was in the box.
(audience laughs)
(shrieking)
(stammering nervously)
- Hi.
- Hi, mom, how was work?
- Same as always.
Did I get any calls?
- Nuh-uh.
- Well, alright, I'm
expecting an important one
from Albany, so when it comes
be sure to...
What happened to the sheets?
- Oh, I think Alex tried
to save you a quarter.
- What?
- See he put his brand
new red sweatshirt
in with the sheets.
- With the sheets.
(audience laughs)
Wonderful.
- Oh, he was
just trying to help.
He even went downstairs
and washed Schneider's
camper for him.
- Yeah, well I'm not sure
I'm ready for any more
helpful kids, you know?
Where is he?
- He's at some girl's house.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
Girl's house?
- Yeah.
Oh, mom, for heaven's sake.
He's only 13.
- Yeah, of course.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did you have a good time?
- Yeah, it was okay.
Ms. Romano, can I
talk to you privately?
(audience laughs)
- Sure, Alex.
Okay, I'll leave.
I had to get some things
at the market anyway.
- Wait a second, Barbara.
Maybe I ought to talk to you.
You're more current.
(audience laughs)
- Nah, nah.
I'll talk to Ms. Romano.
She's had more experience.
(audience laughs)
- Glad to know it shows.
- He's all yours.
- Sit down, Ms. Romano.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, Alex.
- See, there's this
girl, Lou-Ann Winters.
- I don't think I know her.
- That's not her
real name anyway.
(audience laughs)
See, we were playing this game
and well, she said I
didn't know how to kiss.
She said I kiss like a father.
It's not funny.
- No, I know it's
not funny, Alex.
- How was I
supposed to kiss her?
I puckered up!
- Well...
- But then what was
I supposed to do?
- Kissing.
- Uh-huh.
(audience laughs)
- Well, there are kisses
and then there are kisses,
I mean, there
are friendly kisses
and then, when
you get older, men,
well, not always, but
usually men take the initiative.
That doesn't
happen though, Alex,
until you're a lot older than...
This is real difficult for me.
(audience laughs)
Alex, you see usually
I'm on the other side
of the situation what
with being a woman
and having two girls,
so, you know, with
Julie and Barbara...
Have I been any
help to you at all?
(audience laughs)
- No.
I learned more from a dictionary
than I learned from you.
(audience laughs)
- We got a problem.
- What?
- It seems we
have a tenant revolt.
Look out the window.
There are 14 tenants
standing outside in the cold.
Mrs. Bradley is
in a state of panic.
Now, why, you may ask?
Well, some very short
person in this room,
not you, mom, (audience laughs)
has been going door-to-door
asking each
tenant very politely,
"Have you seen my tarantula?"
(audience laughs)
- I think it got lost
in the heating vent.
- Oh my god.
- But the poor thing
has been sent on
to a better life by Mrs.
Bradley's frying pan.
- She killed him?
- Flatter than a pancake.
- Then why are the
tenants waiting outside?
- They refuse to
come into the building
until Alex identifies the body.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, I'm going.
- Just one more thing,
somebody released the parking
break on Schneider's camper.
It rammed into a pole
and crashed his headlight.
He's fuming.
- Alex!
- Well you see I was trying
to get it away from the wall
so I could wash the bumper.
- You're gonna
have to pay for it.
- I'm already paying
for the window.
- I think you better go down
and explain to Schneider.
- I'm gonna go down and
explain to Schneider.
- Explain to Schneider.
This is all your
fault, you know.
- What?
- Well, like daddy always said
behind every rotten
kid is a rotten mother.
(audience laughs)
Oh come on, calm down.
- One more thing,
I'm telling you.
One more thing and I
am calling his mother.
(phone ringing)
My call from Albany!
Hello?
Hello? (audience laughs)
Hello... (audience laughs)
What the hell
happened to the chord?
Alex.
Alex, it's Alex.
Alex!
- Morning.
- Hi.
- Can we talk?
- Yeah.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
- I'm a little
worried about Alex.
- Barbara, don't
start that again.
Alright, it's over.
It's done.
I placed a call to his mother.
As soon as she gets back to me
I want her to come and take him.
- Still mad at him, huh?
- No, no I am not mad at him.
He is a boy, boys are
supposed to get into mischief.
I just didn't expect it all
to happen in three days.
(audience laughs)
- Can't we just give him
just one more change?
- It's not him, you know.
It's me.
I've been up all night
worrying about it
and thinking about it
and I've come to the conclusion
that I'm just not ready
to be a mother again.
If you remember, I've done that.
- Yeah, I know.
- I don't have the time,
I don't have the energy.
I'm trying to get my
business pulled together,
I'm trying to have
some kind of a social life.
When I want kids, I want
them to be grandkids,
you know, somebody I can spoil
and hand back when they're wet.
(audience laughs)
Is Alex up yet?
- Yeah, I think I
heard him out there.
- Well, I better go tell him.
- You mean you didn't
tell him last night?
- Last night it
was all I could do
to keep from strangling
him with the telephone chord.
(audience laughs)
- [Alex] Everybody decent?
- Yeah, Alex, come on in.
- I made you breakfast.
(audience laughs)
- Alex, uh...
- Fluff the pillow,
will you, Barbara?
- Oh, yes sir.
- Alex, you didn't
have to do this.
- I wanted to.
You've done so much for me.
- Alex, wait a minute.
I'd like to talk to you.
- Yeah, sure.
- Alex, what are you doing?
- Oh, my mom and
I always talk in bed.
Is it okay?
- Yeah, sure, it's okay.
It's just been a while.
- Well, I'll leave you two
to your little chat, bye!
- So what did you wanna
talk about, Ms. Romano?
- Ann.
- Ann.
- Yeah.
Well first of all I
want you to know
that it's been real
nice having you here
this past week.
- It's been great being here.
- Good.
And I think you ought to know
that I love you.
- I love you, too.
Look under the plate.
- What?
- Look under the plate.
It's for the window.
It's only $6, that's all I had.
But I'm gonna be washing cars
and Ms. LaRue's gonna pay me $10
to wash the mirror
on her ceiling.
(audience laughs)
Grab some toast
while it's still warm.
It's paprika toast.
- Paprika toast?
- I couldn't find any cinnamon.
(audience laughs)
- Alex, I would really like
to say something to you.
- I know.
I drove you nuts the
last couple of days.
My dad used to say
I'm like spit on a hot skillet.
(audience laughs)
- Colorful, but appropriate.
- I miss him.
- So do I.
- I know.
I guess that's
one of the reasons
why I like being here with you.
- Wasn't always that way.
- Yeah, well, I guess I've
grown a little since then.
(audience laughs)
- A little.
- Hey, give me a break.
I'm only 13, right?
- You mean I'm not
supposed to rush you.
- Exactly.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Hi, Felicia.
Oh, no, no.
I just called to assure
you that everything's okay.
Yeah, as a matter of fact
Alex and I are sitting
here having breakfast.
Or rather, Alex is
having breakfast.
(audience laughs) (applause)
(playful, quirky
instrumental music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
(Phone ringing)
- Oh, come on!
- Alright, alright, alright.
Keep ringing, keep ringing.
Alright, I'm coming, I'm
coming, please don't stop.
Alright, I'm here.
Here, hi!
Oh I'm sorry could you speak
a little more slowly please
I can't understand you.
- Who is it?
- It's Alex's mother,
she sounds very upset.
Yes, Felicia, I'm listening.
Yeah.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Oh, no.
- What is it?
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Yes, I'll call. Goodbye.
- Well, you gonna keep
me in suspense forever
with those oh nos?
(audience laughing)
- Alex ran away.
- Oh, no.
(audience laughing)
- Felicia woke up this
morning and he was gone.
- Well, now that doesn't
exactly mean he ran away.
- He left a note saying
he was never coming back.
- That means he ran away.
(audience laughing)
- She thinks he may
be on his way here.
- All the way from Chicago?
- That's what she said.
- Poor Alex.
It seems like everything
crashed in on him at once.
First his mom remarrying
then moving to Chicago,
then his dad dying.
Oh, mom, I'm sorry.
I know it's really
been hard on you, too.
- It's funny, you know.
Everything just
goes along so great
and then in a single instant
some damn drunk driver
just changes everything.
I still find it very
difficult to believe
that Nick is gone.
- Yeah, me too.
- Well, I'm scared
about Alex, you know.
He could be in real trouble.
Barbara, I thought
you were on a diet.
- I am.
- Well, then what
happened to my apple pie?
And what's this
half finished bowl
of cocoa booms doing here?
- Mom, I don't eat cocoa
booms and apple pie together.
- Barbara, who else
could it possibly be?
(audience laughing)
- [Both] Alex?
- No, no, no, no, no.
It couldn't be.
- Well it's either Alex
or Julie came back.
(audience laughing)
- I am positive it is not
Alex.
- What's all the racket about?
- Baby.
You're okay.
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- Well, Alex.
Your mother is
half out of her mind.
- A lot she cares.
She's gone on a
vacation to the Bahamas.
- Really?
She just called from Chicago.
- Oh, well it must have
been a really short trip.
You know, one of
those world wind tours.
(audience laughing)
- Alex.
- Low-fat yogurt?
Don't girls eat anything
but low-fat yogurt?
- Alex.
You ran away from
home, didn't you?
- I guess you could
look at it that way.
- How did you get here
all the way from Chicago?
- By bus, it was
a miserable trip.
I had to sit next to a nun.
I was never so
nervous in all my life.
(audience laughing)
- Bus fairs are expensive,
where'd you get the money?
- By washing eight
cars, three trucks,
a tractor and a baby.
(audience laughs)
- A baby?
- Yeah, he was
in one of the cars.
I forgot to roll up the window.
(audience laughs)
- Alex,
Alex, why did you
run away from home?
- For a lot of reasons.
For one thing I
can't stand Chicago.
It's windy, it's noisy,
and I was worried
about the gangsters.
(audience laughs)
- There haven't been
gangsters in Chicago for years.
- See, they couldn't
take it either.
- Damn it!
Alex, your mother is frantically
worried to death about,
I've got to call her
and tell her you're okay.
- Ms. Romano, I
don't want to go back.
I want to stay here and
live with you and Barbara.
- What about your mother?
- She doesn't need
me, she's married.
You know what my stepfather
asked me to do once?
- No?
- He asked me to call him dad.
He's not my dad.
He's just some guy
who's married my mom.
It's not just him,
it's everything.
I belong here.
- No, Alex, you don't.
You belong with your mother.
- Ms. Romano, I
don't want to go back.
All my friends are
here, my school is here.
And the two people
whom I admire and love
more than any other
two people in the world.
- Alex, cut the bull.
(audience laughs)
- Ms. Romano, I
want to stay, please?
- I've gotta call
your mother, Alex.
- Ms. Romano, if I was
meant to live in Chicago
I would have been
born with a windbreaker.
(audience laughs)
please don't call.
- Alex, I have to.
(door bell rings)
- Hello, Ann.
- Hi, Felicia.
- Is Alex alright?
- Yes, he's just fine.
Come on in.
You remember my
daughter Barbara?
- Yes, how are you?
- Hi.
- It's not like Alex
to run away like this.
- Yeah, I know.
- I don't want to go
home, I want to stay here.
- Oh, Alex.
- Mom.
- Oh, my baby.
- Mom, do you have to kiss me
in front of the whole world.
- That's okay, I won't look.
- I just don't see
why I can't stay here
and go to school
with my friends.
- Alex, would you
go pack your bags?
I want to talk to Ann.
- Don't I have any say in this?
- Alex, please.
- K.
- Ann, I just don't
know what to do.
- Oh, give it time.
He'll adjust.
- I'm not so sure.
Alex's entire life
has been disrupted.
But what makes things even worse
is the fact that Charlie and
I will be moving around a lot
trying to set up a business,
Alex just won't have
any roots anymore.
- Well, I wish there was
something we could do to help.
- Well, as a matter
of fact there is.
- Sure, anything, name it.
- How would you
like to keep Alex?
Well, I mean just for
the rest of the semester.
He needs some stability
and I feel so guilty
dragging him around
from town to town.
- Yeah, I understand
that, Felicia.
- Naturally, naturally
I'll take care of his
room and board.
- Well, that sounds pretty fair.
- Barbara, that's not the point.
- Ann, I want you to know
I would miss him terribly,
but it would be so
much easier for him
and Charlie and I could
work out our lives first.
I think Nick would approve.
- We could convert
that walk-in closet,
knock out a wall,
unblock a window.
- Barbara, could I talk
to you for a minute?
(audience laughs)
Would you excuse
me, I just, just a minute,
Barbara, would you
come over here please?
(audience laughs)
- What's the matter?
- What are you trying to do?
- I feel sorry for Alex,
why can't we help him?
- Barbara, Alex has a mother.
And who's supposed
to take care of him?
- I will.
- I remember you
saying something similar
about a certain cocker spaniel.
(audience laughs)
- I took care of Patches.
- Except when he was hungry,
dirty, and making puddles.
(audience laughs)
- I don't think Alex'll
be making any puddles.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara, I work and you work.
There's not going to be
anybody here afterschool
when Alex gets home.
- Schneider'll be here.
Mom, he's 13 years old.
He'll be like the
brother I never had.
- Barbara, darling.
If you had wanted a brother
you should have mentioned
something 15 years ago.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, do we really have to go?
- I'm afraid so, toots.
- I'll go, but I don't want to.
I don't have any
friends in Chicago.
And I don't like
the idea of moving
and moving and moving.
- You wanna know something?
- Yeah.
- I don't like the
idea of moving either.
But Charlie and I have only
been married a few months
and it's his job,
and he wants...
- I know, I know.
- Okay, babe, we
better be on our way.
Thank you so
much for everything.
I'm sorry.
- Wait.
I didn't say I
wouldn't take him.
Just for the semester.
- Then you'll do it?
- Yeah, but there is one thing.
I'm not a patient woman.
- No kidding.
(audience laughs)
- Now if things don't work out,
if the kid here gives
me any problems,
that's it, he's gone.
- Problems? Me.
- Yeah.
Look at this, the mustard
top is on the jam jar
and the ice cream is melting
all over the tuna casserole.
- I think it's neat having
a kid in the house.
- So do I.
(door bell rings)
I'll get it.
Oh, Mr. Roberts, Hi.
- Hi.
Is this your skateboard?
(audience laughs)
- Why, of course, it's Alex's.
- Alright. (phone ringing)
- I'll get it.
- Yeah, okay.
Where'd you find it?
- In my living room.
- Oh, how did it get there?
- Most likely through the hole
it made in my window.
(audience laughs)
- Just one second, hold on.
Mom, there is a very
angry lady on the phone.
- Yeah, I've got a very
angry man here at the door.
- Yes, but she
said that Alex ran
through the girls' locker room
and she wants to know
if he's a sex maniac.
(audience laughs)
- Sex maniac.
Would you excuse
me, just a moment.
Please.
Hi, can I help you?
- Yeah, that window
is gonna cost you $43.
- $43?
- Yeah, it's broken
on both sides.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara, there's some
money there in my purse.
I'm sorry about the window.
And the locker room, ma'am.
Yes, I am.
And I will certainly
have a talk with Alex.
Yes, bye.
- You sure have a
reckless hellion for a son.
- Oh no, he's not my son.
Not happy.
- What happened to you?
- I got in a fight.
- A fight?
That's really terrific,
Alex, you know.
You've had one wonderful day.
I would like to, oh! Alex!
(applause)
Alright, Barbara,
what did I use to do
when you had a bloody nose?
- No, I never had
then, Julie did.
- No, Julie didn't
have bloody noses.
She gave them.
(audience laughs)
Alex, what does your
mother do in cases like this?
- Well, she feeds me ice cream
and holds my head to her breast.
(audience laughs)
- He must mean it.
It couldn't be a line yet?
(audience laughs)
- Well, nose bleed is all gone.
- Thanks, Ms. Romano.
I'm gonna work
on my model plane.
- Alex, hold it.
Now that you're not dying,
I would like to talk to you.
Look, you've been
here for two days
and already you've
been in a fight,
you put your skateboard
through a window,
and you've made a run
through the girls' locker room.
- Yeah, but that
one was on a dare.
(audience laughs)
- A dare!
Alex, if some guy dared you
to swallow a bug, does
that mean you have to do it?
- Who told you about the bug?
(audience laughs)
And the window was an accident.
I mean, I was doing
a 10-foot wheelie
and my skateboard just kinda
shot out and went through it.
- I'm afraid to ask
about the fight.
- I just got mad at some kid
because he threw my
gym clothes in the shower.
That's all, nothing to it.
- I see, and you did
nothing to cause it?
- Well, he might have
gotten a little annoyed
when I put peanut
butter in his sneakers.
(giggling)
- Barbara, that's not funny.
- I know.
(giggling)
- Barbara!
And Alex, you're going to
have to pay for that window.
- I know, Ms. Romano.
I'm gonna have to
get some kind of job.
- Was it smooth or crunch?
(audience laughs)
- It was crunchy!
(laughing hysterically)
- You guys, this is not funny.
This is serious now.
Alex, you've got
to promise me now
no more fights, no
more broken windows,
and no more running
through locker rooms.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay.
- Ms. Romano, can you put this
with the rest of
my stuff, please?
- Yeah, sure.
(giggling)
- Alex, I didn't want to say
anything in front of mom,
'cuz I didn't want to get
you in any more trouble
but this morning
when you left for school
you were in an old sweater.
What happened to it?
Did you lose it?
- No, I didn't.
I traded it to some
guy for a tarantula.
(audience laughs)
- Tarantula?!
- Yeah, that was
what was in the box.
(audience laughs)
(shrieking)
(stammering nervously)
- Hi.
- Hi, mom, how was work?
- Same as always.
Did I get any calls?
- Nuh-uh.
- Well, alright, I'm
expecting an important one
from Albany, so when it comes
be sure to...
What happened to the sheets?
- Oh, I think Alex tried
to save you a quarter.
- What?
- See he put his brand
new red sweatshirt
in with the sheets.
- With the sheets.
(audience laughs)
Wonderful.
- Oh, he was
just trying to help.
He even went downstairs
and washed Schneider's
camper for him.
- Yeah, well I'm not sure
I'm ready for any more
helpful kids, you know?
Where is he?
- He's at some girl's house.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
Girl's house?
- Yeah.
Oh, mom, for heaven's sake.
He's only 13.
- Yeah, of course.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did you have a good time?
- Yeah, it was okay.
Ms. Romano, can I
talk to you privately?
(audience laughs)
- Sure, Alex.
Okay, I'll leave.
I had to get some things
at the market anyway.
- Wait a second, Barbara.
Maybe I ought to talk to you.
You're more current.
(audience laughs)
- Nah, nah.
I'll talk to Ms. Romano.
She's had more experience.
(audience laughs)
- Glad to know it shows.
- He's all yours.
- Sit down, Ms. Romano.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, Alex.
- See, there's this
girl, Lou-Ann Winters.
- I don't think I know her.
- That's not her
real name anyway.
(audience laughs)
See, we were playing this game
and well, she said I
didn't know how to kiss.
She said I kiss like a father.
It's not funny.
- No, I know it's
not funny, Alex.
- How was I
supposed to kiss her?
I puckered up!
- Well...
- But then what was
I supposed to do?
- Kissing.
- Uh-huh.
(audience laughs)
- Well, there are kisses
and then there are kisses,
I mean, there
are friendly kisses
and then, when
you get older, men,
well, not always, but
usually men take the initiative.
That doesn't
happen though, Alex,
until you're a lot older than...
This is real difficult for me.
(audience laughs)
Alex, you see usually
I'm on the other side
of the situation what
with being a woman
and having two girls,
so, you know, with
Julie and Barbara...
Have I been any
help to you at all?
(audience laughs)
- No.
I learned more from a dictionary
than I learned from you.
(audience laughs)
- We got a problem.
- What?
- It seems we
have a tenant revolt.
Look out the window.
There are 14 tenants
standing outside in the cold.
Mrs. Bradley is
in a state of panic.
Now, why, you may ask?
Well, some very short
person in this room,
not you, mom, (audience laughs)
has been going door-to-door
asking each
tenant very politely,
"Have you seen my tarantula?"
(audience laughs)
- I think it got lost
in the heating vent.
- Oh my god.
- But the poor thing
has been sent on
to a better life by Mrs.
Bradley's frying pan.
- She killed him?
- Flatter than a pancake.
- Then why are the
tenants waiting outside?
- They refuse to
come into the building
until Alex identifies the body.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, I'm going.
- Just one more thing,
somebody released the parking
break on Schneider's camper.
It rammed into a pole
and crashed his headlight.
He's fuming.
- Alex!
- Well you see I was trying
to get it away from the wall
so I could wash the bumper.
- You're gonna
have to pay for it.
- I'm already paying
for the window.
- I think you better go down
and explain to Schneider.
- I'm gonna go down and
explain to Schneider.
- Explain to Schneider.
This is all your
fault, you know.
- What?
- Well, like daddy always said
behind every rotten
kid is a rotten mother.
(audience laughs)
Oh come on, calm down.
- One more thing,
I'm telling you.
One more thing and I
am calling his mother.
(phone ringing)
My call from Albany!
Hello?
Hello? (audience laughs)
Hello... (audience laughs)
What the hell
happened to the chord?
Alex.
Alex, it's Alex.
Alex!
- Morning.
- Hi.
- Can we talk?
- Yeah.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
- I'm a little
worried about Alex.
- Barbara, don't
start that again.
Alright, it's over.
It's done.
I placed a call to his mother.
As soon as she gets back to me
I want her to come and take him.
- Still mad at him, huh?
- No, no I am not mad at him.
He is a boy, boys are
supposed to get into mischief.
I just didn't expect it all
to happen in three days.
(audience laughs)
- Can't we just give him
just one more change?
- It's not him, you know.
It's me.
I've been up all night
worrying about it
and thinking about it
and I've come to the conclusion
that I'm just not ready
to be a mother again.
If you remember, I've done that.
- Yeah, I know.
- I don't have the time,
I don't have the energy.
I'm trying to get my
business pulled together,
I'm trying to have
some kind of a social life.
When I want kids, I want
them to be grandkids,
you know, somebody I can spoil
and hand back when they're wet.
(audience laughs)
Is Alex up yet?
- Yeah, I think I
heard him out there.
- Well, I better go tell him.
- You mean you didn't
tell him last night?
- Last night it
was all I could do
to keep from strangling
him with the telephone chord.
(audience laughs)
- [Alex] Everybody decent?
- Yeah, Alex, come on in.
- I made you breakfast.
(audience laughs)
- Alex, uh...
- Fluff the pillow,
will you, Barbara?
- Oh, yes sir.
- Alex, you didn't
have to do this.
- I wanted to.
You've done so much for me.
- Alex, wait a minute.
I'd like to talk to you.
- Yeah, sure.
- Alex, what are you doing?
- Oh, my mom and
I always talk in bed.
Is it okay?
- Yeah, sure, it's okay.
It's just been a while.
- Well, I'll leave you two
to your little chat, bye!
- So what did you wanna
talk about, Ms. Romano?
- Ann.
- Ann.
- Yeah.
Well first of all I
want you to know
that it's been real
nice having you here
this past week.
- It's been great being here.
- Good.
And I think you ought to know
that I love you.
- I love you, too.
Look under the plate.
- What?
- Look under the plate.
It's for the window.
It's only $6, that's all I had.
But I'm gonna be washing cars
and Ms. LaRue's gonna pay me $10
to wash the mirror
on her ceiling.
(audience laughs)
Grab some toast
while it's still warm.
It's paprika toast.
- Paprika toast?
- I couldn't find any cinnamon.
(audience laughs)
- Alex, I would really like
to say something to you.
- I know.
I drove you nuts the
last couple of days.
My dad used to say
I'm like spit on a hot skillet.
(audience laughs)
- Colorful, but appropriate.
- I miss him.
- So do I.
- I know.
I guess that's
one of the reasons
why I like being here with you.
- Wasn't always that way.
- Yeah, well, I guess I've
grown a little since then.
(audience laughs)
- A little.
- Hey, give me a break.
I'm only 13, right?
- You mean I'm not
supposed to rush you.
- Exactly.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Hi, Felicia.
Oh, no, no.
I just called to assure
you that everything's okay.
Yeah, as a matter of fact
Alex and I are sitting
here having breakfast.
Or rather, Alex is
having breakfast.
(audience laughs) (applause)
(playful, quirky
instrumental music)