One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 6 - Merry Widow - full transcript
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(off-key toot)
- Barbara, that's
absolutely remarkable.
You're just as good as you were
when you were
in the Girl Scouts.
- Yeah, well, once
you got it, you know.
It's time to get rid of it.
(audience laughs)
- I'm so glad we can
dump all of this stuff
at the white elephant
sale at Schneider's lodge.
- All of it except this!
Mom, you're giving away my tutu?
- Barbara darling, it's been
in my closet for 11 years.
Where'd that come from?
- Oh, this?
Ah, I'd say World War II.
- It was my daddy's.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I miss Daddy a
lot - Yeah, so do I.
But poor Grandma,
he was her whole life.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's been six months since
he died and she hasn't laughed,
she hardly talks, or tells
us how to run our lives.
Well, I'd better put this
away before she gets here.
- Yeah, it'll just start
her crying again.
You know, there's
got to be something
we can do to cheer her up.
- We could put dust
on the coffee table.
She loves to find dust
on the coffee table.
- Or maybe she'll
hate on your furniture.
- Ah, wouldn't
that be wonderful?
Then we'd know she's
back to her old self again.
- Mom, you're giving away
my Arthur Godfrey ukulele?
(audience laughs)
(strums ukulele)
- You were better on the bugle.
(laughs) (doorbell rings)
- Oh, it must be
wonderful to laugh again.
Hi, honey.
- Hi, Grandma.
- Hi, Barbara.
Oh, I love your new furniture.
- Mom, you can be a
terrific help to us today.
- Oh?
- Yes, Schneider's lodge is
having a white elephant sale
and we're collecting old junk.
- Which pile do you want me on?
(audience laughs)
- Oh Mom, I know
it's been rough.
But we're gonna have
a terrific time today.
- Sure we are.
- Oh, what's that?
- My will.
- Mom.
- Well Annie, you
have to face the truth.
When one goes, the other.
Barbara, when the time comes
your mother will need this.
- A rubber stamp?
Deceased?
- Well, it'll make it simpler
for her when I'm gone.
She can stamp my
bills, stamp my mail.
- Mom, let's talk
about something
a little more pleasant, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay!
- There you are, honey.
- Oh Mom, your jewelry box.
Why?
- Well Annie, you
always said you loved it.
Honey, don't you
love it anymore?
- Oh yes, of course, Mom.
I love it.
Where's your jewelry?
- Don't be so pushy.
(audience laughs)
You'll get that after I'm...
Annie, I will never
forgive your father
for leaving me like this.
- I know, Mom.
But it's not something he
decided to do, you know.
Like going fishing?
- Grandpa loved you,
more than anything.
- Oh sure, how about Grandpa and
that hussy with the blue hair?
- Mom, you know there
was nothing between them.
- No?
- No!
- No? Did you
hear she just died.
Obviously she will
not leave him alone.
(audience laughs)
- Any white elephants in here?
Nothing personal, ladies.
Hi there, Katherine.
- Hi, Schneider.
- Boy, you look
terrific in black.
- Schneider, there are
the boxes for your sale.
- Yeah, thanks.
- 15!
Hey, that was my
husband's shirt size.
- This ain't a
size, it's a rating.
Given to me by
a grateful admirer.
- Schneider, I thought
the rating scale was 1-10.
- It is.
(audience laughs)
- No starch.
Grandpa always hated
starch in his collar.
- Oh Mom, I'm sorry.
Everything seems to
remind you of Daddy.
- Oh, Grandma.
- But you two have
been so sweet.
Really, you mustn't
worry about me.
Please, I still have
all of my memories.
So you mustn't think of
me as just a lonely old lady
sitting there in that
lonely old room.
- I think I'm gonna cry.
- Schneider! How could you?
- Wait a second, wait a second.
Now I know what
Grandma's been going through
but you two, you
ain't helping her.
I mean you're giving her
a lot sympathy and pity
and look at her,
she's wallowing in it.
- If Michael were here you
wouldn't talk to me like that.
- I wouldn't have to, he would.
He'd tell you to
get off your can
and get your motor running.
- He would not!
He'd say "buns", not "can".
(audience laughs)
- Look Katherine, I got an idea.
Why don't you come down to
the white elephant sale with me?
I mean, where else
can you drink beer
and do your Christmas
shopping at the same time?
- I'm not going.
- Get ready, go ahead.
- I am never going to
leave this apartment.
- This apartment?
- Grandma, you
know you love to shop.
- Why don't you just
leave me alone? All of you.
- Katherine, the way I see it
you got one of two choices.
Walk out of here
on your own steam
or I can pick you
up and carry you out.
Now what's it gonna be?
You gonna walk out
or do I risk a hernia?
(audience laughs)
- Okay, I'll get ready.
But I won't have a good time.
- Eight hours?
I wonder how long
Schneider's day will last.
- Yeah well, you know how
Grandma gets when she's depressed.
They probably stopped off for
a bowl of chili and a good cry.
(Schneider sings
in the distance)
♪ Katy, beautiful Katy
♪ You're the only
girl that I adore
♪ When the moon shines
♪ Over the cow shed
♪ I'll be waiting
at the kitchen door
(laughs)
- One more time, you
golden-throated idol of the airwaves.
♪ Katy, beautiful Katy
- No more times, please!
- Grandma, where'd you get that?
- At the sale, it's an
original Arthur Godfrey.
(audience laughs)
They wanted 75 for
it but I got it for 65.
- 65 dollars?!
- No, 65 cents!
And they threw in a kazoo.
- Hit it, kid!
(kazoo music)
- It looks like you
had a wonderful day.
- Oh yeah, they loved
her down at the lodge.
And over at the bowling alley.
And they loved her
at the pizza parlor.
You should've seen her
riding the mechanical bull.
(laughs)
- You rode a mechanical bull?
You'd better sit down.
- Maybe tomorrow.
(laughs)
- Believe me, that bull
was a real pain the-
- Grandma!
- Sorry, I forgot
your mother is here.
- Mom, we were
getting worried, it's late.
- Late? Oh honey,
the night's still young.
♪ The night is young
♪ Do do do do do
- Katherine, you're
too much for me.
Now I gotta go.
- I gotta go too.
(blows kazoo)
- You're a miracle worker.
- Oh, come on, will you?
It was nothing.
- Schneider?
Thank you, for what
you did for Mom.
- Ah, she's a terrific lady.
I was glad to help.
Talking about terrific
ladies, I got a date.
- Oh, who is it this time?
Boom-Boom Borowski?
Madeline the meter maid?
(audience laughs)
- Celia the chiropractor.
She's from Alaska.
Talk about icy fingers
up and down your spine.
- Oh, get out of here.
Thank you.
Man never ceases to amaze me.
- No.
- Dwayne's gone already?
- Now come on, Mom.
Don't you think
a mechanical bull
and a white elephant
sale is enough for one day?
- Oh, Annie.
Annie, it was wonderful.
And so was Dwayne.
- Yeah, he kinda grows on you.
(chuckles)
- May I ask you something?
- Of course.
- Do you think it's awful that
I kind of enjoyed myself today?
- No, I do not.
- I think Grandpa
would've wanted you to.
- Absolutely.
- [Katherine] Yeah?
- Yeah!
- May I ask you something else?
- Sure.
- How would you like Dwayne
Schneider for a stepfather?
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Annie?
Barbara, didn't you hear me?
Dwayne and I are in love.
- With each other?
(audience laughs)
- Mom, Dwayne Schneider?
He didn't actually say that-
- Oh honey, a woman can tell.
You know, Dwayne's
actually kind of shy.
- Grandpa Schneider.
(audience laughs)
Got a nice ring to it.
(audience laughs)
- Mom.
- Don't say anything.
Just give me your blessing.
- Oh, Lord.
- His too.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, isn't it a
little ridiculous-
- No, but... Now, look.
I know that you're lonely and
I know that you miss Daddy
but you don't fall in love after
one ride on a mechanical bull.
(audience laughs)
- Especially when your
stomach's full of pizza.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, can you actually
look me in the eye
and tell me that you
believe what you're saying?
- Annie, Dwayne and
I. (audience laughs)
Are in love.
He calls me Crazy Legs.
(audience laughs)
- Crazy Legs?
- Yes, he loves the way
I dance the Kinky Camel.
(audience laughs)
- Mom! Mom, you're in trauma.
- No, I am in love.
- Grandma, now wait a second.
- Oh, he tells the
funniest jokes. (laughs)
Annie, did you hear the
one about the sex maniac
who was (mumbles
unintelligibly)?
- What?
- Hard of hearing!
(laughs)
(Barbara laughs uncomfortably)
- Mom, sit down, please.
Let's talk.
- No, I don't want to talk.
I want to dance my way
home so I can capture
this day of days in my diary.
- Grandma, I didn't
know you kept a diary.
- Well, (mumbles
unintelligibly) start one.
Hard of hearing! (laughs)
- Hi, Annie Romano.
- Hi.
- Got your note,
you wanna see me?
- Yes Schneider, we
have a little problem.
- Hmm. (chuckles)
Light switch in the
bathroom, I keep forgetting.
- No Schneider, it's
about you and Grandma.
- What?
- Yeah, could you sit
down Schneider, please?
Please?
- Sit down?
- Uh-huh.
I'm going to try and
break this to you gently.
Let me see, uh.
How will I phrase this?
- Grandma wants to marry you.
(audience laughs)
- That's one way to phrase it.
- Grandma and me,
married? (chuckles nervously)
- Schneider, she thinks
she's in love with you.
- Ah come on, why don't
you stop the kidding?
Happens every time.
(audience laughs)
One date with me and
they get a rush of lust.
(audience laughs)
- You came along
at just the right time.
- Oh wow, wow, wow.
- Oh, Schneider.
Schneider, look.
See, the thing is
we don't blame you.
You didn't mean it to happen.
- I know what I did wrong.
I was myself.
(audience laughs)
Poor woman was helpless.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider look, we
appreciate what you were trying
to do for Mom but right now
she's just so damn vulnerable.
- Yeah, I know she's vulnerable
and lonely and miserable
and hot to trot.
(audience laughs)
- The question is
what are we gonna do?
- Not "we", not "we". Me.
I gotta do it, I gotta do it.
Well, I've been there before.
I'll let her down gently.
I'd better go and call her
and make a luncheon date.
It's never easy when you have
to let them down, you know?
I remember once in the Yucatan.
(audience laughs)
I was dating a
little Mayan lass.
Apollonia.
(audience laughs)
We were standing
by the sacrificial well
when I told her
I didn't love her.
She was gonna throw herself in
but the sign said
"virgins only".
(audience laughs)
I had to leave before
she found the right well.
(audience laughs)
- Kathleen, Katherine Romano.
(dials telephone)
- Dwayne?
- Katy?
- Hi.
- Hi.
(audience laughs)
See, the thing that I
wanted to-(screams)
(audience laughs)
I was calling you to see if
you'd like to have
lunch tomorrow.
- Well how about dinner tonight?
- Yeah, uh, how'd
you get in here?
- Oh, love finds a way.
I made your favorite
dinner for you.
- Oh, my favorite?
- Chipped beef on toast.
You told me you had
it every day in the navy.
SOS, surprise on a shingle.
That's right.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, Katy.
I think you and I
better have a talk.
- So do I.
A little talk, a little wine.
But first a rumba, Señor.
♪ When were are dancing
and you're dangerously near me
♪ I get ideas, I get ideas
- Listen, Katy.
I like you very, very much.
♪ And I really like
you-hoo-hoo too
- I mean, for a long
time we've been friends.
Pals, buddies, amigos.
- I've arranged for our
blood test tomorrow.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, you're
talking to a man who
has been a bachelor
for a long, long time.
I mean for many, many years.
Even down at the lodge I won
the Mister Bachelor Contest.
I beat out 34 other guys.
I'm set in my ways, Katherine.
I have my own habits.
I'll sit down and
I'll put my feet up
on table, shoes and all.
When I come home
from work, Katherine,
I just wanna watch TV, have
a couple of beers, six or seven.
You know, and go to sleep.
(audience laughs)
- Dwayne, everything
you say and do
reminds me so much of Michael.
Bless his soul.
- Katherine, I'm
saving the worst for last.
I'm not proud of this
and please don't tell
those two ladies upstairs.
But I'm a male chauvinist pig.
(audience laughs)
I'm proud of that.
- Oh, I love an
old-fashioned man.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, I'm a guy
that believes women
should be kept in their place.
Barefoot and pregnant.
(audience laughs)
Katy, this has gotta stop.
We're good
friends and that's it.
- Oh Dwayne, I'm
woman enough to know
that there is
something between us.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, there is no us.
There is no us.
Put your shoes back on.
- But yesterday.
- Well, that was because
you were in a funk
and I have this God-given
ability to make people happy.
(audience laughs)
Generally speaking.
I'm sorry, Katherine.
- What an old fool I've been.
- Now listen, don't say that.
- Don't touch me.
Enjoy your chipped beef.
There is a baked
apple in the oven.
(knocking at the door)
I don't want to talk about it.
- Grandma?
- Mom?
- I don't want to talk about it.
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
- Annie, I offered my affections
to a man who spurned me.
- Oh, Mom.
- Oh, Annie.
Now I know how you must feel.
(audience laughs)
Being rejected by all those men.
(audience laughs)
I feel so stupid.
I was so dumb to think I
had something to live for.
- You have got
plenty to live for.
- Name one thing!
- Your daughter.
- Name another.
- Your granddaughters.
- Another.
- Your volunteer work.
- Another.
- Your bowling team.
- Another.
- Uh.
- Well.
- There, see? See?
I have nothing to live for.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine.
Katherine!
- What?
- You forgot your shoes.
- Thank you.
But those aren't mine.
(audience laughs)
I'm gonna have to
start tagging them.
(audience laughs)
Katherine, I'm sorry
about everything.
- Well isn't it a
little late for that?
You lure me to your apartment,
get me to cook your
meals, start to disrobe me.
(audience laughs)
- (stammers) Would
I do a thing like that?
(audience laughs)
To your grandmother?
- No, of course not.
- Well, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, I didn't mean.
- There's a few
things I would like
to talk over with Katherine.
So, scusé vousé.
(audience laughs)
Vousé toosé.
(audience laughs)
- We have nothing to talk about.
Katherine, I know how you feel.
Can't we still be friends?
- I'm all right.
I don't want any
favors from you.
- Well, I want one from you.
- Oh?
- Well I know that you know
that I know a
lot of girlfriends.
Real friends are much
harder to come by.
You're not the only
one that gets lonesome.
- You?
- I run around a
lot and I brag a lot.
Being with you
is a little different.
You're fun.
You laugh at all my jokes.
You cook a great
chipped beef on toast.
You know what I'm trying to say.
I'm comfortable with you.
You're a real good friend.
You're a special person.
- Sure, old, tired, boring.
Well, I've flung my last fling.
And the fling I flung flopped.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, you're gonna have
to stop feeling
sorry for yourself.
- Well why shouldn't I
feel sorry for myself?
Michael is gone!
- Michael is gone
and you're here!
- For what?
There's no one to live for.
- The hell there isn't.
What about living for yourself?
- But I have never done that.
I've always been somebody's
wife, somebody's mother.
Now I look in the
mirror and I say
"Who is that remarkably
well-preserved woman?"
(audience laughs)
- Now's your chance to find out.
- What if I don't like her?
- What if you do?
(audience applauds)
(trumpet music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(off-key toot)
- Barbara, that's
absolutely remarkable.
You're just as good as you were
when you were
in the Girl Scouts.
- Yeah, well, once
you got it, you know.
It's time to get rid of it.
(audience laughs)
- I'm so glad we can
dump all of this stuff
at the white elephant
sale at Schneider's lodge.
- All of it except this!
Mom, you're giving away my tutu?
- Barbara darling, it's been
in my closet for 11 years.
Where'd that come from?
- Oh, this?
Ah, I'd say World War II.
- It was my daddy's.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I miss Daddy a
lot - Yeah, so do I.
But poor Grandma,
he was her whole life.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's been six months since
he died and she hasn't laughed,
she hardly talks, or tells
us how to run our lives.
Well, I'd better put this
away before she gets here.
- Yeah, it'll just start
her crying again.
You know, there's
got to be something
we can do to cheer her up.
- We could put dust
on the coffee table.
She loves to find dust
on the coffee table.
- Or maybe she'll
hate on your furniture.
- Ah, wouldn't
that be wonderful?
Then we'd know she's
back to her old self again.
- Mom, you're giving away
my Arthur Godfrey ukulele?
(audience laughs)
(strums ukulele)
- You were better on the bugle.
(laughs) (doorbell rings)
- Oh, it must be
wonderful to laugh again.
Hi, honey.
- Hi, Grandma.
- Hi, Barbara.
Oh, I love your new furniture.
- Mom, you can be a
terrific help to us today.
- Oh?
- Yes, Schneider's lodge is
having a white elephant sale
and we're collecting old junk.
- Which pile do you want me on?
(audience laughs)
- Oh Mom, I know
it's been rough.
But we're gonna have
a terrific time today.
- Sure we are.
- Oh, what's that?
- My will.
- Mom.
- Well Annie, you
have to face the truth.
When one goes, the other.
Barbara, when the time comes
your mother will need this.
- A rubber stamp?
Deceased?
- Well, it'll make it simpler
for her when I'm gone.
She can stamp my
bills, stamp my mail.
- Mom, let's talk
about something
a little more pleasant, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay!
- There you are, honey.
- Oh Mom, your jewelry box.
Why?
- Well Annie, you
always said you loved it.
Honey, don't you
love it anymore?
- Oh yes, of course, Mom.
I love it.
Where's your jewelry?
- Don't be so pushy.
(audience laughs)
You'll get that after I'm...
Annie, I will never
forgive your father
for leaving me like this.
- I know, Mom.
But it's not something he
decided to do, you know.
Like going fishing?
- Grandpa loved you,
more than anything.
- Oh sure, how about Grandpa and
that hussy with the blue hair?
- Mom, you know there
was nothing between them.
- No?
- No!
- No? Did you
hear she just died.
Obviously she will
not leave him alone.
(audience laughs)
- Any white elephants in here?
Nothing personal, ladies.
Hi there, Katherine.
- Hi, Schneider.
- Boy, you look
terrific in black.
- Schneider, there are
the boxes for your sale.
- Yeah, thanks.
- 15!
Hey, that was my
husband's shirt size.
- This ain't a
size, it's a rating.
Given to me by
a grateful admirer.
- Schneider, I thought
the rating scale was 1-10.
- It is.
(audience laughs)
- No starch.
Grandpa always hated
starch in his collar.
- Oh Mom, I'm sorry.
Everything seems to
remind you of Daddy.
- Oh, Grandma.
- But you two have
been so sweet.
Really, you mustn't
worry about me.
Please, I still have
all of my memories.
So you mustn't think of
me as just a lonely old lady
sitting there in that
lonely old room.
- I think I'm gonna cry.
- Schneider! How could you?
- Wait a second, wait a second.
Now I know what
Grandma's been going through
but you two, you
ain't helping her.
I mean you're giving her
a lot sympathy and pity
and look at her,
she's wallowing in it.
- If Michael were here you
wouldn't talk to me like that.
- I wouldn't have to, he would.
He'd tell you to
get off your can
and get your motor running.
- He would not!
He'd say "buns", not "can".
(audience laughs)
- Look Katherine, I got an idea.
Why don't you come down to
the white elephant sale with me?
I mean, where else
can you drink beer
and do your Christmas
shopping at the same time?
- I'm not going.
- Get ready, go ahead.
- I am never going to
leave this apartment.
- This apartment?
- Grandma, you
know you love to shop.
- Why don't you just
leave me alone? All of you.
- Katherine, the way I see it
you got one of two choices.
Walk out of here
on your own steam
or I can pick you
up and carry you out.
Now what's it gonna be?
You gonna walk out
or do I risk a hernia?
(audience laughs)
- Okay, I'll get ready.
But I won't have a good time.
- Eight hours?
I wonder how long
Schneider's day will last.
- Yeah well, you know how
Grandma gets when she's depressed.
They probably stopped off for
a bowl of chili and a good cry.
(Schneider sings
in the distance)
♪ Katy, beautiful Katy
♪ You're the only
girl that I adore
♪ When the moon shines
♪ Over the cow shed
♪ I'll be waiting
at the kitchen door
(laughs)
- One more time, you
golden-throated idol of the airwaves.
♪ Katy, beautiful Katy
- No more times, please!
- Grandma, where'd you get that?
- At the sale, it's an
original Arthur Godfrey.
(audience laughs)
They wanted 75 for
it but I got it for 65.
- 65 dollars?!
- No, 65 cents!
And they threw in a kazoo.
- Hit it, kid!
(kazoo music)
- It looks like you
had a wonderful day.
- Oh yeah, they loved
her down at the lodge.
And over at the bowling alley.
And they loved her
at the pizza parlor.
You should've seen her
riding the mechanical bull.
(laughs)
- You rode a mechanical bull?
You'd better sit down.
- Maybe tomorrow.
(laughs)
- Believe me, that bull
was a real pain the-
- Grandma!
- Sorry, I forgot
your mother is here.
- Mom, we were
getting worried, it's late.
- Late? Oh honey,
the night's still young.
♪ The night is young
♪ Do do do do do
- Katherine, you're
too much for me.
Now I gotta go.
- I gotta go too.
(blows kazoo)
- You're a miracle worker.
- Oh, come on, will you?
It was nothing.
- Schneider?
Thank you, for what
you did for Mom.
- Ah, she's a terrific lady.
I was glad to help.
Talking about terrific
ladies, I got a date.
- Oh, who is it this time?
Boom-Boom Borowski?
Madeline the meter maid?
(audience laughs)
- Celia the chiropractor.
She's from Alaska.
Talk about icy fingers
up and down your spine.
- Oh, get out of here.
Thank you.
Man never ceases to amaze me.
- No.
- Dwayne's gone already?
- Now come on, Mom.
Don't you think
a mechanical bull
and a white elephant
sale is enough for one day?
- Oh, Annie.
Annie, it was wonderful.
And so was Dwayne.
- Yeah, he kinda grows on you.
(chuckles)
- May I ask you something?
- Of course.
- Do you think it's awful that
I kind of enjoyed myself today?
- No, I do not.
- I think Grandpa
would've wanted you to.
- Absolutely.
- [Katherine] Yeah?
- Yeah!
- May I ask you something else?
- Sure.
- How would you like Dwayne
Schneider for a stepfather?
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Annie?
Barbara, didn't you hear me?
Dwayne and I are in love.
- With each other?
(audience laughs)
- Mom, Dwayne Schneider?
He didn't actually say that-
- Oh honey, a woman can tell.
You know, Dwayne's
actually kind of shy.
- Grandpa Schneider.
(audience laughs)
Got a nice ring to it.
(audience laughs)
- Mom.
- Don't say anything.
Just give me your blessing.
- Oh, Lord.
- His too.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, isn't it a
little ridiculous-
- No, but... Now, look.
I know that you're lonely and
I know that you miss Daddy
but you don't fall in love after
one ride on a mechanical bull.
(audience laughs)
- Especially when your
stomach's full of pizza.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, can you actually
look me in the eye
and tell me that you
believe what you're saying?
- Annie, Dwayne and
I. (audience laughs)
Are in love.
He calls me Crazy Legs.
(audience laughs)
- Crazy Legs?
- Yes, he loves the way
I dance the Kinky Camel.
(audience laughs)
- Mom! Mom, you're in trauma.
- No, I am in love.
- Grandma, now wait a second.
- Oh, he tells the
funniest jokes. (laughs)
Annie, did you hear the
one about the sex maniac
who was (mumbles
unintelligibly)?
- What?
- Hard of hearing!
(laughs)
(Barbara laughs uncomfortably)
- Mom, sit down, please.
Let's talk.
- No, I don't want to talk.
I want to dance my way
home so I can capture
this day of days in my diary.
- Grandma, I didn't
know you kept a diary.
- Well, (mumbles
unintelligibly) start one.
Hard of hearing! (laughs)
- Hi, Annie Romano.
- Hi.
- Got your note,
you wanna see me?
- Yes Schneider, we
have a little problem.
- Hmm. (chuckles)
Light switch in the
bathroom, I keep forgetting.
- No Schneider, it's
about you and Grandma.
- What?
- Yeah, could you sit
down Schneider, please?
Please?
- Sit down?
- Uh-huh.
I'm going to try and
break this to you gently.
Let me see, uh.
How will I phrase this?
- Grandma wants to marry you.
(audience laughs)
- That's one way to phrase it.
- Grandma and me,
married? (chuckles nervously)
- Schneider, she thinks
she's in love with you.
- Ah come on, why don't
you stop the kidding?
Happens every time.
(audience laughs)
One date with me and
they get a rush of lust.
(audience laughs)
- You came along
at just the right time.
- Oh wow, wow, wow.
- Oh, Schneider.
Schneider, look.
See, the thing is
we don't blame you.
You didn't mean it to happen.
- I know what I did wrong.
I was myself.
(audience laughs)
Poor woman was helpless.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider look, we
appreciate what you were trying
to do for Mom but right now
she's just so damn vulnerable.
- Yeah, I know she's vulnerable
and lonely and miserable
and hot to trot.
(audience laughs)
- The question is
what are we gonna do?
- Not "we", not "we". Me.
I gotta do it, I gotta do it.
Well, I've been there before.
I'll let her down gently.
I'd better go and call her
and make a luncheon date.
It's never easy when you have
to let them down, you know?
I remember once in the Yucatan.
(audience laughs)
I was dating a
little Mayan lass.
Apollonia.
(audience laughs)
We were standing
by the sacrificial well
when I told her
I didn't love her.
She was gonna throw herself in
but the sign said
"virgins only".
(audience laughs)
I had to leave before
she found the right well.
(audience laughs)
- Kathleen, Katherine Romano.
(dials telephone)
- Dwayne?
- Katy?
- Hi.
- Hi.
(audience laughs)
See, the thing that I
wanted to-(screams)
(audience laughs)
I was calling you to see if
you'd like to have
lunch tomorrow.
- Well how about dinner tonight?
- Yeah, uh, how'd
you get in here?
- Oh, love finds a way.
I made your favorite
dinner for you.
- Oh, my favorite?
- Chipped beef on toast.
You told me you had
it every day in the navy.
SOS, surprise on a shingle.
That's right.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, Katy.
I think you and I
better have a talk.
- So do I.
A little talk, a little wine.
But first a rumba, Señor.
♪ When were are dancing
and you're dangerously near me
♪ I get ideas, I get ideas
- Listen, Katy.
I like you very, very much.
♪ And I really like
you-hoo-hoo too
- I mean, for a long
time we've been friends.
Pals, buddies, amigos.
- I've arranged for our
blood test tomorrow.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, you're
talking to a man who
has been a bachelor
for a long, long time.
I mean for many, many years.
Even down at the lodge I won
the Mister Bachelor Contest.
I beat out 34 other guys.
I'm set in my ways, Katherine.
I have my own habits.
I'll sit down and
I'll put my feet up
on table, shoes and all.
When I come home
from work, Katherine,
I just wanna watch TV, have
a couple of beers, six or seven.
You know, and go to sleep.
(audience laughs)
- Dwayne, everything
you say and do
reminds me so much of Michael.
Bless his soul.
- Katherine, I'm
saving the worst for last.
I'm not proud of this
and please don't tell
those two ladies upstairs.
But I'm a male chauvinist pig.
(audience laughs)
I'm proud of that.
- Oh, I love an
old-fashioned man.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, I'm a guy
that believes women
should be kept in their place.
Barefoot and pregnant.
(audience laughs)
Katy, this has gotta stop.
We're good
friends and that's it.
- Oh Dwayne, I'm
woman enough to know
that there is
something between us.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, there is no us.
There is no us.
Put your shoes back on.
- But yesterday.
- Well, that was because
you were in a funk
and I have this God-given
ability to make people happy.
(audience laughs)
Generally speaking.
I'm sorry, Katherine.
- What an old fool I've been.
- Now listen, don't say that.
- Don't touch me.
Enjoy your chipped beef.
There is a baked
apple in the oven.
(knocking at the door)
I don't want to talk about it.
- Grandma?
- Mom?
- I don't want to talk about it.
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
- Annie, I offered my affections
to a man who spurned me.
- Oh, Mom.
- Oh, Annie.
Now I know how you must feel.
(audience laughs)
Being rejected by all those men.
(audience laughs)
I feel so stupid.
I was so dumb to think I
had something to live for.
- You have got
plenty to live for.
- Name one thing!
- Your daughter.
- Name another.
- Your granddaughters.
- Another.
- Your volunteer work.
- Another.
- Your bowling team.
- Another.
- Uh.
- Well.
- There, see? See?
I have nothing to live for.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine.
Katherine!
- What?
- You forgot your shoes.
- Thank you.
But those aren't mine.
(audience laughs)
I'm gonna have to
start tagging them.
(audience laughs)
Katherine, I'm sorry
about everything.
- Well isn't it a
little late for that?
You lure me to your apartment,
get me to cook your
meals, start to disrobe me.
(audience laughs)
- (stammers) Would
I do a thing like that?
(audience laughs)
To your grandmother?
- No, of course not.
- Well, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, I didn't mean.
- There's a few
things I would like
to talk over with Katherine.
So, scusé vousé.
(audience laughs)
Vousé toosé.
(audience laughs)
- We have nothing to talk about.
Katherine, I know how you feel.
Can't we still be friends?
- I'm all right.
I don't want any
favors from you.
- Well, I want one from you.
- Oh?
- Well I know that you know
that I know a
lot of girlfriends.
Real friends are much
harder to come by.
You're not the only
one that gets lonesome.
- You?
- I run around a
lot and I brag a lot.
Being with you
is a little different.
You're fun.
You laugh at all my jokes.
You cook a great
chipped beef on toast.
You know what I'm trying to say.
I'm comfortable with you.
You're a real good friend.
You're a special person.
- Sure, old, tired, boring.
Well, I've flung my last fling.
And the fling I flung flopped.
(audience laughs)
- Katherine, you're gonna have
to stop feeling
sorry for yourself.
- Well why shouldn't I
feel sorry for myself?
Michael is gone!
- Michael is gone
and you're here!
- For what?
There's no one to live for.
- The hell there isn't.
What about living for yourself?
- But I have never done that.
I've always been somebody's
wife, somebody's mother.
Now I look in the
mirror and I say
"Who is that remarkably
well-preserved woman?"
(audience laughs)
- Now's your chance to find out.
- What if I don't like her?
- What if you do?
(audience applauds)
(trumpet music)