One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 5 - Farewell, My Suite - full transcript

Ann and Barbara have been robbed and apparently with Schneider's help.

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This life is the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't your worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- Oh Barbara, remind me never
again to take this much stuff

on a weekend trip to Logansport.

- Well, one thing you can
leave behind next time is me.

Home at last.

- Be it ever so humble.

- Yeah.

- Talk about humble.

- Where's our furniture?

- It's gone.

- I can see that.

Oh my god.

We've been robbed.

- They took everything.



- Oh, there's somebody
in the bedroom.

- Oh no, no.



- Schneider, you
scared the hell out of us.

- What is the matter with you?

Why can't you at least
knock before you come in?

- Schneider, what
are you doing here?

- Well I was just
trying to surprise you,

I wanted to shampoo all
your rugs before you got back.


- You see how everything
has a simple explanation?

The mysterious prowler
is just our Schneider,

and the missing furniture
isn't missing at all,

it's just piled up out of
the way in the bedroom.

- No it isn't.

Why would I pile it
up in the bedroom?

- Where is it?

- What, are you losing
your memory or something?

The upholstery people
came for it yesterday.

- What upholstery people?

- The upholstery
people that you called.

I signed the pickup slip myself.

- Schneider.

I didn't call any
upholstery people.

- Yes you did.

- No I didn't.

- Yes you did.

- I didn't.

- You did.

They came, they showed
up, they had uniforms,

they had a big van, they
had your authorization

to upholster and refinish.

- We've been robbed.

- Don't say that.

- We have been robbed.

- I just asked you
not to say that!

Look, they even gave me
a complimentary potholder,

here, you can have it.

- Mom, they took everything.

The silver, everything.

- Oh gee, I feel sick.

- Well, that makes three of us.

- You must think
I'm really stupid.

Yeah, but I mean,
they seemed so legit,

you know, they had
uniforms with big zippers.

- Schneider, didn't you
notice anything suspicious?

- Like when they
carried off the silver?

- Well I didn't see any of that,

I mean here I am holding
one end of the couch

and guiding it through
the door, you know.

- You helped them rob us?

- Only with the heavy stuff.

- You helped them rob us?

- They looked so legit!

They had an order,
they had the written...

All right, I'm a moron.

I'm an idiot.

I'm a...

- Come on, you can
think of some more.

- I wasn't here every minute!

- Where were you?

- I was outside!

- Doing what?

- Well, they were afraid
somebody would steal your stuff

out of their van and they
asked me to guard the van.

Aww, gee whiz, this is
terrible, this is a catastrophe.

Are you hungry?

I'll send out for pizza.

- We don't have much
of an appetite right now.

- No appetite?

I'll send out for Chinese.

- Oh, Schneider.

Mom, I think we
should call the police.

- No wait, let me do
it, it's the least I can do.

- Schneider, you've done enough.

- Yes, I'd like to
report a robbery.

- Well, what'd they say?

- They put me on hold.

(doorbell rings)

- Honey, would you get that?

- You called for the police?

- Yes, three hours ago.

- Two hours and four minutes.

- You still took forever.

- Well, I was on my way over,

but I stopped to get a candy bar

and got caught in a hold up.

- You're kidding.

- I got shot in the shoulder.

- You're kidding.

- Well the doctor said I
would've been a goner

if the bullet hadn't been
deflected by my Milky Way.

- You are kidding.

Come on in.

But try not to bleed any
chocolate on the carpet.

- Are you Ann Romano?

- No, I'm Barbara Cooper.

- Married name?

- Maiden name.

- Oh.

- Meanwhile, back
at the robbery.

- Oh excuse me,
you're Ms. Romano.

- [Ann] Yes I am.

- I'm Officer Preston, I'm sorry

it took me so long to get here.

- Yeah, he got shot
in his Milky Way.

- Yeah.

- You didn't say it
was an emergency,

and we do have to take
care of crimes in progress first.

You reported something stolen?

- Yeah.

You could say that.


- Do you have a list
of the stolen items?

- Yes I do, right here.

Here you go.

- Do you have serial numbers?

- No, I'm sorry, I don't.

- Well, did the furniture
have any identifying marks?

- Oh, the sofa had a
pinkish brown ice cream stain

from when my sister
and I had a food fight.

- Wait a minute, there was
this bright red nail polish blob

on one of the cushions.

You know, I think it
was Tahitian Temptation.

I bought that right
after my divorce.

- Well, everything helps.

The more information
I get, the better.

Your phone number, please?

- 555-4124.

- You can reach me
at that number too.

- Oh, thank you.

- You're welcome.

Officer Preston, look, most
of the furniture here was old.

- Yeah, why would
anybody steal it?

- Well there's always a
market for stolen goods,

we have hundreds of
people buying and selling

stolen merchandise
all over town.

Like at those flea markets.


- Excuse me.

- That stupid butt show up yet?

On the peaches?

- Are you Mr. Romano?


- I can understand why
you might make that mistake.

There is an unspoken
magnetism between us.

But no, my name is Schneider

and I'm the building

- Maybe you can help me.

- Why not?

He helped everybody else.

- Upholsterers, I thought
they were upholsterers!

- Ms. Romano, we
advise that you notify

your building super whenever
you're expecting tradespeople.

- Right, see, if you'd
have notified me

that they were not coming,

none of this would
ever have happened.

- Yes, thank you
Schneider, I'll remember that.

- I'll never live this down.

You make one small
mistake, you never live it down.

- He saw the crooks.

- Oh, then you can
give me a description.

- Yes sir, I can, I
anticipated you there,

I wrote it all down.

Let's see, the perpetrators
were approximately

two in number, the taller
one was about 30, 5'10" even,

rangy build, say 155,
brown eyes, brown hair,

small mole on his left cheek,
he was probably a Catholic.

- How do you figure that?

- Well, when he lifted
his end of the couch,

he said "mother of
mercy, this is heavy."

See the shorter
of the two was oh,

I'd say 5'6" and three quarters,

somewhere between
130 and 32 pounds,

brown eyes, smoked
filtered cigarettes.

- Very observant.

Anything else?

- Yeah, she was stacked.

- She was a woman?

- Yeah, it was the
first thing I noticed.

- Well Schneider, why didn't
you tell us she was a woman?

- Because if I'd have said that,

you would've called me a sexist!

And I'm not a sexist!

That bimbo was a crook,
under the ERA she's entitled

to whatever the other
guy doesn't want.

- Well, with this description,

we stand a better
chance of nabbing them.

- Oh, Officer Preston,
there was one thing

I didn't put down on the list.

It's important to me.

When they took our trunk,

they also got our
family photo album.

Do you think there's
any possibility that...

- Probably not, Ms.
Romano, I'm afraid thieves

tend to toss
personal stuff like that

into the nearest trash can.

I'm sorry.

But I promise we'll do the
best we can for you folks.

- Oh, I know.

- You see, the problem is
we just don't seem to have

enough manpower to
handle all the burglaries.

- I know.

- It's practically
a growth industry.

- Really?

- Say, my sense of
direction's kinda bad.

Do you think you could
show me to the elevator?

- Sure, why not?

- I'll tell you, I could live
without this old furniture.

But our photo album?

They've stolen our memories.


This is really great, you know?

I'm trying to get a
business started,

our office isn't even painted,
my partner is impossible,

now we have been robbed...

- Oh Mom, come on,
look at the bright side.

- What bright side?

- I think I've got a date.

(audience applauding)



- Oh, hi, thought you were Nick.

- Huh?

- You know, he's bringing
some papers over from the office.

- What are you doing home?

- I'm waiting for the
insurance adjuster.

Where'd you get the bean bag?

- At the bean bag store.


No, Mrs. Ferguson gave it to us,

but I think she's just
trying to unload it.

Mom... (gasps)

I'm sorry, I was
just gonna ask you

if you're as jumpy
as I am, but... (sighs)

- I'll tell ya, the whole idea

of somebody coming
into our home uninvited

and going through our things,

it makes me feel...




- I know what you mean.

I think I slept about
two hours last night.


- Well.

I think we're just gonna
have to think positive, that's all.

- Right.

Something to drink?

- Yes.

For instance, it's axiomatic

that having your furniture
stolen makes dusting easier.

- Girl.

That's the old attitude.

- Well, what's life if you
can't laugh at it, huh?

- Right.

Here are the bills.


- What do we have here?

Oh, isn't this jolly?

The rent is due.

And what delightful thing, ah,

the final payment
on the stolen TV set.

And let's see, we have in
this gorgeous envelope, $300.

- What?

- Dear Ms. Romano, you
probably don't remember me,

but once I was a worthless
beggar pleading for handouts

on the street...
- Old boyfriend?

- But you, good
Samaritan that you are,

changed all that for me,
and I enclose this small sum

as your just reward.

Please always remember
and don't ever forget,

without you I would not
have become yours truly,

the Governor of Utah.


- Governor of Utah,
that's very clever.

- Oh, that Schneider.

Doesn't he realize
the Governor of Utah

doesn't use lined note paper?


- Oh, that poor guy.

He's really on a guilt trip.

- Yeah.


He needs his money
more than we do.

- Right.

We'll give him $150 back.


- [Schneider] It's me.

Anybody home?

- Nobody here but
us good Samaritans.

- I thought I'd fix that
linoleum where it's buckling

in your kitchen.

- Gee, that's no job for
the Governor of Utah.

- What are you talking about?

- Schneider.

We can't take your money.

You mustn't feel bad,
we don't blame you.

- Yes you do.

- No we don't.

- Yes you do.

- We don't.

- You do.

Forgive me?

- We forgive you.

- Completely?

- Completely.

- Totally?

- Totally!

- Beyond any shadow...

- Yes, Schneider, we
forgive you, all the way.

- I know how you feel.

I was robbed once.


I never thought she'd find
my wallet under the goat.

(doorbell rings)

- Oh, hi, Barbara, you poor
kid, how is your sweet mother?

Is she still in a coma?

I'm really...

- Nick, what are
you talking about?

She's right there... - Shh.

The insurance
adjuster is outside,

I asked him to
wait at the elevator

and give me five minutes.

Schneider, is there something
wrong with the elevator?

I had to walk up.

- No, it's just being inspected.

- Oh.

I thought maybe
you gave it away.

(mocking laugh)

- How about I give
away five knuckles?

- All right.

- Annie, my little partner,

I brought you some
flowers to cheer you up.

- Oh, Nick, that's very sweet.

- Well, it wasn't that sweet,

I paid for them
out of petty cash.

- My petty cash?

- Our petty cash.

I paid for half and
you paid for half.

- You're right,
it's not that sweet.

- Say, Ms. Romano, you got
insurance on all that furniture?

- Yes, of course.

- Well I may have
done you a favor.

You can buy all new stuff.

- If you play your cards right.

- Yeah, I mean, them
insurance companies,

they got money to burn.

They're just waiting
for you to rip them off.

- No, look.

I am not gonna cheat anybody.

- Mom, I did see this
gorgeous pine cabinet

that would look great with
this lamp I saw at Blocks...

- Darling, forget it.

We are not gonna lie
to the insurance people.

Although, I did see
this beautiful sofa.

You know the kind
where you just sink into it?

- Oh yeah, I love to shop.

- Me too.

- I love to shop too.

- No no, all right, come on now.

This is all wishful thinking,

we've got to be honest.

(doorbell rings)

- Probably...
- Insurance adjuster, right?


- Ms. Romano?

- No, I'm Barbara,
but come on in.

- Hi, I'm Ann Romano.

- I'm Dewey Laughton, I'm
from the insurance company.

(clears throat)

- Yes, this is Nick Handris,
my business associate.

- How do you do?

- Hi.

- And...

- And I am Dwayne Schneider,
building maintenance engineer

and chief of security, may I
see your identification please?

- Mr...
- Laughton, Laughton.

- Laughton, yes, thank you.

Why don't you take...

- Yeah, come on over here,

because we have a list of
the stolen items right here.

- Thanks.

- It'll help.

- Let's see.

Sofa, easy chair,
stereo, coaster, trunk...

I hope none of these
things were yours?

- Oh well I did lose
my bedroom furniture.

- Oh, that's a shame.

- And so was the robbery.



- Let's see, I'll need
your estimate of the value.


If I seem a little slow, it's
because this is my first case.

- First case?

- Just a babe in the bush.

- Believe me, we are going
to do all we can to help you.

- Well, let's start
with the sofa.

- Okay, the sofa.

The sofa was very old, it
was probably an antique.

- Absolutely,
genuine Chirpendale.

- Chirpendale?

- Yeah, Chirpendale.

- Well actually it was
just a lovely old sofa,

it had a solid walnut
frame and that...

You know that thick brocade.

- Brocade?

- Upholstery.

- Nick...

- Would you say the total
value of everything stolen

is in excess of $3500?


- You gotta be kidding,
let's just break this down.

We had a sofa, we
had the easy chair,

the TV set, the beds...
- The silver.

- Right, which is going
up even as we speak.

- And what about
this lovely little child's

lovely little bed on which
she rested her lovely little head

and played with
her little teddy bear,

what kind of a value
can you put on that?

- Schneider.

- Well I would say that, this
is conservative, mind you,

that the whole thing was
probably worth, what, $9000?

- Oh, pashaw, you say.

$10,000 at least.

- Okay, maybe 10-five.

- Hey, guys, come on.

Now, the stuff here really
wasn't very expensive.

I don't think it was
really worth that much.

I mean, allowing
for depreciation,

and not counting
the sentimental value,

I don't think that it was
worth any more than,

well, let's say...
10-five sounds right.

- Mom.

- Honey, now come on, we
can't ask for more than that.

We have got to be fair.

- Insured estimates $10,500.

Would you sign here?

- Sign?

You want me to put my name
on that with Ann Romano?

Well, maybe it's
worth less than that.

- It doesn't matter, Ms. Romano,

I'm recommending you
get the policy maximum.

- Oh, that's terrific.

- $3500.

- What?

- $3500?

I got more than that
tied up in spackle.

- I'm sorry, that's the
extent of your coverage.

You never upgraded your policy.

We sent you notices.

Even had stamped envelopes.

- Yeah, you're right.

I didn't want to pay
the extra premiums,

so I just threw them away.

- After she peeled
off the stamps.

- I'm awfully sorry.

- I know you are.

- I wish there was
something I could do.

- I know you do.

- I'll process this
as fast as I can.

- I know you will.

- Which way is the elevator?

- I'll show you.

- I hoped you would.

- Oh, Mom, it's
just terrific, I love it.

It's just beautiful.

- It really is, thank you.

You've made my daughter
very happy, and me very broke.


Thanks again.

Buh bye.


I just love it.



It even feels beautiful.


- Who said money
can't buy happiness?

I want to try, I want to try.

Oh, yeah.

- Pretty good, huh?


Oh, and I just love
this new coffee table.

And this chair, this
barrel chair right here,

and oh, I just can't wait until
we get the new wallpaper.

- Wallpaper?

I didn't know about that.

- Well, I didn't either
until I looked at that couch,

but it makes this old
wallpaper look so...

- Yucky.

- [Ann] It really does.

- Really yucky.

You know, we could
use some new carpet too,

it'd be real nice.


- Oh, yeah, carpet
to tie in this whole...


- What's the matter?

- I don't feel very good.

Do you think it's financial flu?

- You want to take
everything back?

- Over my dead body.

- All right.

- I'm glad we did it.

- So am I.

Besides, it's good
for the economy

to keep money in circulation.

- Right.

And we're being very patriotic,

I mean this was made in America.

- Yeah?

- Well...

Central America.

- Close enough.

(doorbell rings)

That's gonna be our new desk.

- Okay, great.

- Oh, Dewey, hi.

I thought you were our new desk.

- Maybe it's my legs.

- Come on in.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hey, nice furniture.

- Oh, thank you.

- I guess my timing's perfect.

Here is your insurance check.

- Oh, just in time,
that is just wonderful.

We're gonna need it
to pay for all this stuff...

- Yeah, we have a new
desk coming, and wallpaper.

- They stole your wallpaper?

- No, we just decided to
do the whole thing over.

- Yeah, we figured if
we're gonna go broke,

we might as well do it in style.

- It's gonna be so
beautiful when it gets done.

(doorbell rings)

That's our new desk.

- Yes.

- Hi Barb.

- Oh hi.

- Have I got a surprise for you.


- [Schneider] Okay, here we go!

- We found your old couch.

- Oh my god.

- Where did you find it?

- The River Drive Flea Market.

Schneider and I took
turns staking it out.

- Schneider.

- Well, I had to do something

to recapture my
place in your heart.

- And I had to show
you that the police

aren't totally helpless.

- And I have to
adjust this check.

- I guess, Ms. Romano,
all this new stuff,

it's nice, you know?

But it's a little bit (speaking
foreign language), you know?

I think we'll just, you know,
we'll help you take it out.

- Oh, Scheider, I don't want
to get rid of our new stuff.

- I don't either, darling,
but we can't afford to keep it.


- Why do the police
have to solve crimes?

- We didn't find everything.

- Right.

Right, you didn't,
it was just this.

Will we get some of our
insurance money back?

- Most of it.

- Most of it.


Good, that means
we'll be able to keep

most of our new furniture.

Oh, that's great, that's great.

All right, does anybody
want to make a bid on this?

- I'll give you $25 for it.

- $25?

Anybody else?


- 24.

- 23.

- 22.

- Sold!

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)