One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 3 - Ann Meets Nick: Part 1 - full transcript

Ann meets an artist that she finds very obnoxious and intimidating.

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle
through one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da ra daa

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da ra daa

♪ One day at a time

- No, mom, I have
not found a job yet.

Yup, I had three interviews
today but nothing worked out.

Yes, mom, I did dress neatly.

Mom, no, thank you, I
don't need your bingo money.

We're okay, mom,
really, everything's cool.

No, they haven't
turned off the heat.

Yes, mom, I know,
I am very brave.

Mom, uh, look, could
you call back later, okay?

No, I promise you, the
phone will not be disconnected.


Although it's tempting.

- Hi mom.

- [Ann] Hi.

- Find a job yet?

- No!

- Mom, everything's
gonna be okay.

Look, I got some beans,
and some Hamburger Helper,

and a loaf of day-old bread.

- Barbara, we are not broke yet.

- And two big juicy steaks,

- Now we're broke.

- It's okay, I'm
trying to start a diet

and broke is the only way.

- Hah.

- Hi there, Ms. Romano.

- Hello.

- You get a job yet?

- No!

- Had any interviews?

- Ah, yes, Schneider.

As a matter of fact, I did
have three interviews today.

- Did you dress nice?

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, were
you listening outside?

- Ah, Ms. Romano, I
don't eavesdrop any more.

I've outgrown that.

- Ah, good.

- But you are brave.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, they're looking for
people to sweep out the stadium

after the football games.

- Darling, I am not gonna
sweep out the football stadium.

- Not you, me.

I wanna help out.

I think maybe I should
get a part-time job.

- Thank you, sweetheart,
that's very nice.

But I've only been out
of work for three weeks.

We have enough
money to tide us over

for the next couple of months,

and I just finished
paying all the bills.

- Well that was yesterday.

See, I brought your mail up.

It's got more windows
than a Holiday Inn.

(audience laughs)

- No, it can't be.

Oh, look, it's my car insurance.

I hate to guess how
much this one is.

- 362.97.

(audience laughs)

Listen, Ms. Romano,
don't let it get you down.

Every rainbow
has a silver lining.

It's like my dear old
daddy used to say to me

when I was just a little kid.

Schneider, (audience laughs)

life is like a corral.

When you walk through it,
you may not see the pony,

(audience laughs)

but you know he's there.

(audience laughs)

It's just incredible to think

the man has never
been published.

(audience laughs)

- Ma, you'll find
something soon.

I'm not even worried about it.

- No, I'm not worried.

This is just an opportunity
to move onward and upward.

- Uh, where are you going?

- Unemployment.

(audience laughs)

(crowd chatters)

- Romano?

Ann Romano?

(audience laughs)


- Uh, no, not exactly.

You see, my,


I've never been in an
unemployment office before.

- [Clerk] Mmm-hm.

- Uh, see, I wasn't fired
from my last job, not exactly.

I was laid off permanently.

- [Clerk] Mmm-hm.

- You see, uh, my boss
wanted me to go to Amarillo,

but I'm not really into cows.

So we had this big argument.

Not with the cows.

- Mmm-hm.

Oh no!

- What's the matter?

- I've got a hangnail.

(audience laughs)

Take this to window B.

- Thank you very much.

- Hamilton?

Jim Hamilton?

- That's Hamilton.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, psst!

Hey, Ms. Romano!

Hey, remember me, Carlos?

Hey, I used to work
in your office building.

Hey, they canned you, too, huh?

(audience laughs)

- Yah.

- Hey, hey, you wanna
have a sandwich.

- Ah, no.
- It's meatloaf.

- Uh, Carlos, thank you, no.

- Hey, I made it
myself, Carlos's special.

- Okay, okay, thank you.

- I hope you like garlic.

- I hope I do, too.

- Hey, so what are
you doing here?

I thought you were
making the big bucks?

- Oh, Carlos, not that big.

- Hey, come on, get in line.

- No, wait, I, I...

- Come on, it'll save
you a lot of time.

- [Ann] Uh, okay.

- Hey, big bucks!

End of the line.

- [Crowd] Yeah.

- [Crowd Member] Hey, get
back to the end of the line.

- Hey, what's the
matter with you?

This is my sister.

(audience laughs)

I was saving her place
while she went to the can.

- [Crowd Member] Come on,
get in line, please, get in line.

- You're nothing special.

Come on, right here.

- Okay, okay.

- That's very good, bravo.

Very well done.

(crowd applauds)

- I didn't mean to butt in.

- Oh, that's all
right, I understand.

You're late for
your tennis game.

- Wrong.

My Rolls is double-parked.

- What have you been eating?

You smell like an
Armenian village.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, meatloaf.

Carlos gave it to me.

I didn't, I didn't want
to hurt his feelings,

so I, I took the sandwich, and,

why am I wasting
my breath on you?

- Please, don't.

(audience laughs)

You don't remember me, do you?

- Huh?

- A couple of years ago,
Connors and Davenport?

I showed you some
sketches for an RV campaign,

and you turned them down?

- Ah, gee, how could I
forget a nice day like that?

- Yeah, well, your
loss was my gain.

It was then that I decided
to start my own business.

- Ah, well, congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.

Glad to see you doing so well.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, hey, Ms. Romano.

Hey, you're in
advertising, aren't you?

- Uh-huh.

- You see, maybe
I got a lead for you.

This ice cream company downtown

just fired its
advertising agency.

Here, take it.

- Thank you, Carlos.

You can buy a
paper for a quarter.

It fits in your
company's budget.

(audience laughs)

- You don't have to push.

- I'm not, I'm not pushing.

- Just be a little gentle.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Mom, I already did the shopping.

- Oh, these aren't groceries.

It comes under the
heading of research

for a job I've got a lead on.

- Oh, great.

Mom, guess what?

- [Ann] What?

- I haven't had a
bite since breakfast

and already I lost a pound.

- Hey!

Good for you.

- What's in the bag?

- 12 pints of ice cream.

- Ugh.

(audience laughs)

12 pints of ice cream.

How can you do that to me?

- You don't have
to eat any of it.

- No, I don't, but
you know I will.

Did grandma put you up to this?

She's always trying
to fatten me up.

- Hah.

Darling, I told
you, it's research.

I have a chance for work at
the Startime ice cream company.

- What as?

Company glutton?

(audience laughs)

- They need somebody
to handle their advertising.

I've got an appointment
to meet them tomorrow.

- What are you doing
with all the ice cream?

- Well, I'm gonna taste it.

See, I wanna become
familiar with their product line.

If they ask me, for
instance, if I tasted their new

almond mocha,

I can honestly say, yes, mmm-hm.

This is scrumptious ice cream.

You wanna taste some?

- Mom, my diet.

- Yeah, right.


Also, we got some rocky road.


This is very, very
good ice cream.


- Rocky road's my favorite.

(audience laughs)

- You know, sweetheart,

I have been thinking.

This isn't just a
job opportunity.

It could be a lot
more than that.

Butter pecan.

This is really very,
very good ice cream.

Now, if I get this
assignment, you know,

and I do a good job, maybe
I could take off on my own,

be my own boss.

Mmm, pistachio, it's delicious.

Are you sure you don't
want anything, honey?

- Mom!

You mean, become a
one-person company?

Can you do that?

- Well, why not?

I mean, I met this jerk in
the unemployment line today

and he did.

And if he can do
it, anybody can.

Mmm, oh.

Oh, this is peppermint
swirl with little candy bits in it.

(audience laughs)

- All right, all
right, all right!

I can't take it any more.


Oh, if sex is any
better than this,

I won't be able to stand it.

(audience laughs)

- Hi.

- [Marge] Hi.

- I'm Ann Romano.

I have an appointment
to meet with Mr. Burgey.

I hope I'm not too late.

- Oh, no, well, he's
running a bit late himself.

He has another interview.

- Oh.

Well, I would've been
here 10 minutes earlier,

but some jerk in an
old Pontiac parked

right in the middle
of the two spaces.

I wrote him a nasty note
in the dust on his hood.

- Is there anything
I can get for you?

Coffee, tea?

Ice cream?

- (laughs) No, thank you.

- Uh, that's great, Mr. Burgey.

So I'll call you in a week.

Thanks a lot.

- Good.

- Okay.

- I hope something works out.

I'll be with you in a minute.


- Well, well, well.

Miss big bucks.

What are you doing here?

- What am I doing here? (laughs)

What are you doing here?

- Isn't it obvious?

I'm trying to get this
job before you do.

- And it didn't occur to you

that I was the one
who had the lead?

- Oh yes, of course it did.

That's why I got here early.

- Well, at least you
consider me competition.

- Oh no, not at all.

See, what they need here
is some exciting new artwork.

Anybody can write the words.

- Oh, of course.

Why didn't I realize that?

I mean, think where this
country could've been today

if we just had a few
cartoons in the Bill of Rights.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, okay.

I'm sorry if I seem rude.

It's just that there's just
something about you

that irritates me.

- By golly, we found
something in common.

- It's a tough world out there.

I need the work.

You can always get married.

(audience moans)

- Tell me,

do you own an old Pontiac?

- Yes.

- It figures.

- Excuse me, Ms. Romano,
Mr. Burgey will see you now.

- Ah, thank you.

Excuse me.
- Certainly.

- Yah.

- Oh, hold it.

- [Ann] What?

- I can't let you go in like
that when you're unzipped.

- What?

- Your dress?

- Oh, uh, thank you.

- Sure, my pleasure.

- Here, let me get it.

- No, I can do it.

I can do, I can do it.
- Aw, come on, just let me

help you, please?
- Oh, please,

I really can do it myself.
- Just let me help you.

Ah, got it!

- All right, thank you.
- Damn it.

- What?

- Just got your zipper
caught in my sleeve.

- Uh, would you
get it loose, please?

- Okay, I'm trying to help.

- Oh, would you...
- Would you hold it?

I'm trying, all right,
I'll take my jacket off.

- I am not gonna go
in there with your jacket

hanging off my back!

(audience laughs)

- Well maybe you
should take your dress off.

- Oh, that's cute,
that's really cute,

you know?
- Look, I am trying to help.

- Oh, just

be cruel and let go!
- Ow, What are you?

That wasn't very nice.

- I will do this.
- And if you want me to

zipper that.

I don't know why you...
- I can get the zipper!

If you would leave me alone.
- I don't know why you're so...

- Ms. Romano?

(audience laughs)

- Hah.

(audience applauds)

- Have you ever taken
out a splinter before?

- Sure, hundreds of 'em.

Grandpa once made
us a wooden slide.

(Schneider and audience laugh)

- Are you sure you
know what you're doin'?

- Yes.

- Then why is your hand shakin'?

- Because it's
holding your hand.

Now don't be so chicken.

- I'm not chicken!

These hands are my life.

Ever seen an infection?

You know, when
you have an infection

your hands get hot and,

and it starts to
swell and inflame,

and a red streak
runs up your arm.

- It's better than a yellow
streak running up your back.

- I hate him!

- Ah!

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- You are not.

(audience laughs)

- [Ann] He has to be the
biggest egotistical man

I've ever met in my life!

(door slams)

- Mom, what's the matter?

Didn't you get the job?

- Yes.

No, I don't know.

I went down there and
here was the same jerk

who accosted me in
the unemployment office.

He had the nerve to
follow me down there

and butt in on my interview,

and even openly admit that
he was trying to steal my job,

and then he
called me irritating.

And then, oh, you'll never
gonna believe what he did.

You wanna hear what he did then?

You wanna hear what that
miserable creep did then?

- What did he do?

- I really don't
wanna talk about it.

I had that job right in
the palm of my hand,

and now we're in
competition for it.

- Well you people
wanted equality.

Now you're gonna
have to learn how to lose.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

(audience laughs)

- Who is this guy anyway, mom?

- I don't know his name.

I don't wanna know his
name, because if I did,

I'd put out a contract on him.

- Ms. Romano,
your zipper is, uh...

- Don't you touch my zipper.

- Come on, Schneider,
hold still while I dig this out.

- Yeah, d-dig?

(audience laughs)

- If you're good, I'll
give you a lollipop.

- Don't get smart with me.

- Wait, uh, what's going on?

- He got a sliver
in his little pinky.

- Yeah, well, allow me, come on.

I'm an expert on little slivers.

- Be my guest.

- Not a wittle swiggler.

- Hey, that's not
bad at all, Schneider.

We'll just ease that splinter

right out of there.

(audience laughs)

- Your mother has
a bedside manner.

(audience laughs)

I hope you get that account.

- Oh boy, I tell you,

I'm gonna give it my
best shot, Schneider.

I can't tell you what
pleasure it would give me

to beat out that person.

He just makes me furious.

I can't even think about
that person without

starting to shake, ow.

Believe me, if I
would've had this needle

when I was talking
to that creep.

- Ah!

I'm bleedin', I'm bleedin'!

- Nah, it's my blood.

- Oh, it's your blood, I thought
it was just, you're blood?

(Barbara screams)
(audience laughs)

(typewriter clacks)

- No, I can't stand it.

I think this is lousy.

Uh, ice cream,
Startime ice cream.

Ah, Barbara, you
see, the thing is,

if I come you with
something really original,

I know I can land this account.

- Original, original.

Um, okay, how about,

nine out of 10 New York dentists

recommend Startime ice cream?

(audience laughs)

- Not really original.

- Don't like that one, okay.

How about, uh,

pig out with Startime?

- [Both] It just missed it.

(both laugh)

- Look, the thing is that
I've been looking at their ads,

and the problem is that
there's no central idea,

nothing that ties the
whole thing together.

- You mean like
some catchy theme?

- Yeah, right.

But that theme has
got to be pertinent,

it's gotta have identification.

All right, all right, all right.

What really sells a product?

- Sex?

- That's it.

- Sex?

- Sin.

- Ice cream and sin?

- Well, I wasn't really talking
about it at the same time.

Although I do remember
once when your father and I

were on a picnic.

(audience laughs)

- He wanted to sin and
you wanted ice cream?


(audience laughs)

- Do not knock it.

- You're actually thinking of
ice cream and sin as a slogan?

- All right, think about it.

There is something
self-indulgent, something

secretly sensual about

dropping into a little ice
cream parlor on your way home,

and gently caressing your
taste buds with a delicious

double-dip of Startime

dark chocolate fudge ripple.

- Mmmm!

- Right, see, it's not bad.
- Yes.

- It really is a good idea.

Okay, now, what we
have to do is get, um,

a trademark, or some...
- No, more?

- Yeah, it's work.

- Ice cream cone.
- Ice cream cone.

- Yeah.
- And a lot of them

piled up one on top of the
other, which makes a little

- Snowman!

- Okay, and he
is whispering, uh,

the slogan, uh, sin
a little with Startime.

I love it, I love it!

I am brilliant.
- I don't believe this!

This is a good one.
- I'm brilliant.

It is good.
- I'll get that.

- Okay, yeah, thank you.

So a little, with.

- Hi.

- [Barbara] Hi.

- I'm looking for Ann Romano.

- Oh, uh, sure, just a second.

Ma, someone here to see you.

- Okay, I'm on my way.

- Hello.

- What the hell
are you doing here?

- Believe me, it's
business, not pleasure.

You owe me 12.95.

- What for?

- It's what it cost to mend
the rip your zipper put

in my jacket.

- Barbara, whoever it
is, tell him I'm not home.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, she's not home.

- Yeah, well, I
suspected that all along.

Now you listen to me.

I am not even charging
you for mental anguish.

- Hey, look, why should I pay?

You caught your
coat in my zipper.

- I did not.

I was trying to help.

You jerked the zipper.

- You jerked the zipper.

- You put your hand
out on your back.

You pulled the
zipper... (Ann vocalizes)

- Shush!

So that we won't argue, okay,

I will pay half.

- I will take it.

- Uh, 6.47.

- Eight, 6.48,

plus 3.50 for carwash to get
your nasty words off my hood.

(audience laughs)


- Hi.

- You're a very
lovely young lady.

- Oh, thank you.

- Any relation?

- [Ann] I heard that!

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What's this?

- Snowman.

- This is a snowman?

- [Barbara] Yeah.

- You're kidding.

- No.

- Excuse me.

What are you doing/

- Reading your copy.

- You are stealing my ideas.

- Stealing this?

You gotta be paranoid.

- Hey, now, wait minute.
- Sin a little

with Startime.

Well that's catchy, isn't it?

- Well, I think it's...

- Ah, thank you,
thank you very much

for your valued opinion.

- You're quite welcome.

- If you don't like
it, then I have to be

on the right track.

Right, Barbara?

- Well, mom, I
think it's a good one.

- Well, now, wait a second.

Ice cream, that's the
kids in church socials.

This sounds like she's trying
to sell perfume, doesn't it?

- Well, I think it's...
- Okay, here is your money.

There is the door.

- You better keep it,
you're gonna need it.

Barbara, I'm sorry I put
you on the spot over there.

Obviously, you've been
brought up in a home

where you're not allowed
to express your own opinion.

- Would you like
me to express mine?

- Not really.

Bye, Barbara.

May the best man win.

(audience laughs)

- Kinda cute, isn't he?

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

Just expressing my own opinion.

(audience laughs)

- Where does he get
off criticizing my copy.

He's an unemployed artist
and I am an account executive.

Was an account executive.

This is a good idea.

Isn't it?

- Well, mom...
- It is a good idea.

Kids are always
gonna buy ice cream.

The point is to get
diet-conscious adults to buy.

It's a good idea, and he
knows it and he's just trying

to get me upset.

Well, I'm gonna get that account

and I'm not gonna
be upset, you see,

because I am already furious.

Furious as, ugh!

I hate that confident
look on his face.

- [Nick] Keep smiling.

Don't let her know
you're worried.

I wonder why she's
so sure of herself.

- [Ann] If I don't
get this assignment,

I'm just gonna
have to sell my car.

- [Nick] Somehow, I've
got to wipe my palms

before I shake hands
with Mr. Burgey.

But I am not
gonna let her see it.

- [Ann] I can't go to
the restroom again.

(audience laughs)

- Sorry to keep you waiting.

Ms. Romano.

- Yes?

- This is great copy.

- Hah!

- Somehow you've
associated eating ice cream

with a primal urge.

It's adult, it has humor,

it's salesmanship.

We love your idea.

- ReallY?


I'm delighted, really delighted.

- You've made ice cream sensual,

sort of a
forbidden tutti-frutti.

(audience laughs)

You can use that if you want.

- So I, I've gotten the account?

- Well, there is a problem.

The board shot down
your snowman idea.

It's too bland, gave us nothing.

- No problem, I'll just come
up with something else.

- Oh, there's no need.

That's taken care of,
thanks to Mr. Handris here.

You know, it's amazing

how much you two
complement each other.

- Excuse me?

(audience laughs)

- He gave us our new logo.

Isn't that a cute little devil?

Sin a little with Startime,

the devilish ice cream.


It's surprising how you
two were thinking alike.

- Isn't it, though?

- So, you've got the account.

- [Both] Who?

- The two of you.

We want you to work together.

- Phone call on two, Mr. Burgey.

- You two will
make a great team.

(audience laughs)

- Team.

- Team.

- (laughs) The
basic idea was mine.

- Which would've
bombed without my devil.

- You stole that
idea from my copy.

- You invented sin?

- Okay.

Okay, Mr. Footrest,
or whatever the hell

your name is.
- Oh, that's the lowest thing.

I can't believe
you're making fun

of my name.
- I have never in my...

- Why would you make fun

of a person's name?
- I don't even know your name.

How could I make fun of it?

How could you steal...
- How could you make fun

of a person's name?

- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week

for the concluding
episode of Ann Meets Nick.

- That is the most
juvenile thing that I ever...

(audience applauds)

(cheerful music)

(fanfare music)