One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 20 - Wicked Ann - full transcript
Alex feels that Ann is keeping his mother and father from getting back together.
♪ This is it, this
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what
you do ♪ Hold on tight
♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ One Day at a Time, da dada da
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ One Day at a Time, da dada da
♪ One Day at a Time
- You any good at Spanish?
- Ay caramba!
Am I any good at Spanish?
I had two anos of
it in high escuela.
(laughter)
Let me see your problem.
- What's this mean in English?
- Oh, um.
I would like...
to eat...
some buildings.
(laughter)
- I would like to
eat some buildings.
- Wrong, huh?
- Yeah, unless
Godzilla wrote this.
(laughter)
I'm not gonna
worry about Spanish.
I have more important
things to worry about.
- Like what?
- My dad.
It's been rough on him
ever since the divorce.
- Okay, Alex, what's the matter?
- Well, he's out looking
for a new apartment, right?
- [Barbara] Yeah.
- He's not gonna
find anything decent.
Not with what he's
got to spend on rent.
- Yeah, but don't forget,
my mom's helping him look.
She can be a real tightwad.
You know those soap slivers that
everybody usually throws away?
Well, she presses 'em together.
We've got Irish
Camay that floats.
(laughter)
- I'm serious, Barbara.
I mean, my dad could
solve the whole thing
if he just moved
back in with Mom.
Well, why not?
They wouldn't have
to talk to each other.
I mean, he could live
on the second floor,
and she could live
on the ground floor.
There's just one bath.
That may even
help the situation.
(laughter)
- I think it's a
little late for that.
- Well, he'd be better
off than he is now.
He's worrying, looking
like he's gonna cry.
He's so sad.
(kazooing "Anchors Aweigh")
(laughter)
- He hides his grief very well.
- Company halt!
About face!
Present arms!
Forward, hug!
(laughter)
- Oh, guess where we've been?
- Duck hunting?
- The carnival!
- How come I didn't
get to go, Dad?
- Oh, it was just a spur of
the moment thing, you know?
We were out
apartment hunting and
we just bumped
into this carnival.
Your dad thought maybe
he could find a tent to rent.
- And she's angry at me
because I guessed her weight.
- Oh, what did you win?
- A kick in the shins.
He guessed 500 pounds.
(laughter)
- Dad, it's just as well you
didn't find an apartment.
I have an idea.
- May I enter?
- Do we have a choice?
(laughter)
- No fooling around.
I've got bad news.
Brace yourselves.
- What is it, Schneider?
- You braced?
- Schneider, we're braced.
- Mrs. Ferraro
died this morning.
- Mrs. Ferraro?
- The old lady in 507.
- Oh, she's the lady with
the parakeet, isn't she?
Oh, Schneider, I'm sorry!
- Yeah, so am I.
She was sick for a long time.
I'll tell you something, though.
She really loved that parakeet.
She used to take him out every
Saturday morning for a walk.
(laughter)
Just she, the bird,
and a little blue-and-white
pooper-scooper.
(laughter)
I walked in this morning,
he was standing in the
middle of his cage at attention.
I could have sworn he was
chirping out a final farewell.
("Taps")
♪ Tweet tweet tweet (laughter)
♪ Tweet tweet tweet (laughter)
- Schneider, did this Mrs.
Ferraro, did she live alone?
- Yeah, just her
and the parakeet.
Of course, he's an orphan now.
(laughter)
- Poor little green guy.
- Yeah, I'm gonna have
to take out a for-rent ad.
Two bedroom apartment with
a view and a grieving parakeet.
(laughter)
- Two bedroom apartment, huh?
Well, you know, Schneider,
I happen to be a bird lover.
- Since when?
- Since Mrs. Ferraro died.
(laughter)
- I don't believe this!
Have you no
respect for the dead?
(laughter)
- Schneider, I want a
place badly and I promise,
I'll take good care of the bird.
- Nick, are you sure
that's such a good idea?
- Come on, Mom, it's a
parakeet, not a vulture.
(laughter)
- No, I mean, moving
into the building.
- She may be right, Dad.
- Alex, you're gonna
have your own room.
Annie will help us decorate it.
- I will?
- Annie, are you against
me moving into the building?
- No, no, Nick, I'm
not really against...
(sighing)
It scares me.
- Listen to her, Dad.
- Yeah, I'm trying to, Alex.
What scares you?
- All right, we work
together, we play together,
if you move into this building,
we'll practically
be living together.
We'll really find out
about each other.
- I can see it coming.
You get the man
and I get the bird.
(laughter)
- Annie, what's
wrong with really
getting to know each other?
- The truth?
- Yes, the truth.
- Okay, I thought I was
doing just great alone.
It's wonderful, you
know, the two of us.
I don't want
anything to spoil it.
- Nothing's gonna spoil it.
- How can you be sure?
- Well, there are no
guarantees on anything.
Let's just dive right in
and take a chance, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay!
Well, Schneider, do
I get the apartment?
- Sure, why not?
- Well, there goes
the neighborhood!
(laughter)
- Alex, we got ourselves
a new apartment!
Can I move right in?
- Well, that depends.
What side of the bed
to do you sleep on?
- The right side, why?
- Well, so does Mrs. Ferraro.
She's still up there.
(laughter)
- Hi there, Ms. Romano.
(audience whistling and hooting)
- Hi there, Schneider.
How was Mrs. Ferraro's funeral?
- Oh, it was terrific.
I got to tell you,
those Italians,
they really know
how to throw a wake.
I mean, there was crowds of
people and music and praying.
My gosh, they had so much food.
They must have
had 47 kinds of pasta.
There was linguini, fettucine,
vermicelli,
tortellini, rigatoni.
Sounds like the offensive
line for Notre Dame.
(laughter)
Boy, did they have
a lot to drink, too!
I had to send the
parakeet home in a taxi.
(laughter)
You got your pants
on inside-out there.
- Yeah, I know, Schneider.
It's easier to pin
them this way.
- Last time I had my
pants on inside-out,
I was ducking out of the
window of the ladies' gym
at the San Diego Naval base.
(laughter)
So, tell me, Handris
get moved in all right?
- Yeah, he's almost all settled.
- You know, I don't know
if I should mention this.
I mean, it's none
of my business.
- That never stopped you before.
(laughter)
- I don't think it's right for
you and your business partner
to be cohabitating together
in the same domicile.
- Schneider, we're both
mature people, okay?
- Anyway, let me
give you a little advice.
This is advice from my
own personal observation
of Mother Nature in the raw.
To wit, the tragedy
of Willy and Wally.
- Oh, no, Schneider.
I'm not gonna bite.
(chuckling)
(laughter)
Yeah, okay, so what
about Willy and Wally?
- They were my own personal
pair of pygmy guinea pigs.
(laughter)
- Oh, I knew I
shouldn't have asked!
- Willy and Wally were
playmates but they lived
in their own separate
little sleeping quarters.
Well, one day, I decided
to make them roommates.
It was not a good idea.
Willy ate Wally.
(laughter)
- Thank you, Schneider.
I'll treasure that.
- Just a word to the wise.
(knocking)
I'll get the door.
- Hi, Schneider.
- Hi, Willy.
(laughter)
- Never mind.
- Look, Handris, now
that you're moved in,
maybe I should remind you of
some of the basic house rules.
Okay?
- Sure.
- No loud music, no skateboards,
no barbecuing on
the fire escapes,
no running back
and forth between
the apartments in your skivvies.
Absolutely no orgies unless
you coordinate it with the Super
(laughter)
- My turn?
I have two dripping
faucets, a faulty light switch,
a stuck window, buckled
linoleum in the kitchen,
a hall that needs painting
and a shelf in the broom closet
that looks like it was put
up by a drunken sailor.
- You're off to a
bad start, Handris.
(laughter)
Ms. Romano?
Willy and Wally.
(laughter)
- No, never mind, really.
- Annie, it is such
a great apartment.
- Oh, I'm so glad.
I hope Alex likes the
wallpaper I picked out for him.
- Oh, yeah, I'm sure
he will and you, my dear,
are invited for
dinner up at my place.
I've got a casserole
in the oven.
(speaking foreign language)
- Oh, no!
Beef stew again?
(laughter)
- Well, now, that's
what I call a kiss.
Turned your pants inside-out.
(laughter)
- Barbara, can't you
cough before you come in?
I always do.
- Oh, sorry.
(coughing)
(laughter)
- Oh, Nick, here.
- What? Oh!
- For your apartment.
- Oh, what a beautiful azalea!
- Aw, Nick, do me a favor, huh?
- What?
- Don't cry into it.
- Okay.
- I just finished watering it.
- Okay.
(laughter)
Thank you!
- I'm gonna go change.
- All right, thanks a lot.
Barbara, I want to
ask you something.
I'm planning this kind
of romantic dinner.
You know,
candlelight and wine...
- Oh, Nick!
Just you and Mom
and me and Alex?
- [Nick] What?
- No, I'm kidding.
As soon as I take
my bath, I'm leaving.
- Great, see, I want to ask you.
I know these guys and they
pick up a few extra bucks.
They're kind of gypsy violinists
and I'm wondering, do
you think your mother...
- Gypsy violinists?
- [Nick] Right.
- Oh, Nick.
That's the hokiest,
most outdated,
corniest thing I've ever heard.
She'll love it.
(laughter)
- Ah, thank you!
(knocking)
- Hi, Alex!
Come on in.
- Alex?
I thought you were supposed
to watch the casserole.
- It didn't leave.
It's still in the oven.
- I'd better go watch it.
I'll be right back, okay?
- Did you see the plant that
my mom got for your dad?
It's nice, huh?
- Who needs it?
- Hi, Alex!
Do you like your room?
- It's a room.
- Talk about
unbridled enthusiasm.
- Yeah, well, I've
got to get ready.
- Okay.
Hey, Alex, you hungry?
You want something to eat?
I'll fix you something.
You have time before your bus.
- Look, I know how much
time I have before my bus.
Don't worry, I'll be
out of your way before
you have your private
dinner with Dad.
- Oh, Alex, I don't
mean to rush you.
(banging)
Okay, okay, okay!
- Oh, I got to put the
casserole in the oven.
- [Ann] What's the matter?
- Oh, I think I used the
wrong paint for my kitchen.
Those fumes are getting to me!
I must be allergic to them.
Oh, 375, ah!
- Well, we can have dinner here.
- Oh, good.
I think we'd better keep
the plant down here also.
Alex, did you see the
plant Annie got us?
Isn't it beautiful?
Boy, I hope we
can sleep tonight.
- Oh, you don't have to
sleep in your apartment.
- Oh, good.
(audience gasps)
- You can always
go to a cheap hotel.
(laughter)
Or, you can sleep here.
- That's my sweet little Annie.
(laughter)
Oh, I almost forgot.
I've got to get something.
I'll be right back.
Alex, you got your bus fare?
Alex, you all right?
Are you getting the flu?
- No, I'm okay.
- You sure?
How about a big hug
for your old Pop, huh?
Come here.
Why don't you come
over tomorrow night?
We'll watch The Late
Show together, okay?
- Oh, Nick, Nick, Nick!
You might as well take my
key and let yourself back in.
- All right!
(laughter)
- You're really
something, you know that?
- Alex, what's the matter, huh?
What's wrong?
- You think I don't
know what's going on,
Mrs. Annie Take-Over?
You got my dad to
live in your building.
Now, he's cooking
in your kitchen.
He's going to be
eating at your table
and tonight he's going
to be sleeping in your bed!
- Hold on, Alex!
- I'm leaving!
- No, Alex, look.
I really don't want you
to leave like this, okay?
Let's talk.
- Just get out of my way!
- No!
- Look, I don't
want to talk to you.
I don't want to see you.
I don't want to do one thing
where you're concerned!
- Alex!
Hey, Alex!
(screaming)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Alex, I'm taking a bath.
- Who cares?
- [Ann] Alex?
- Don't make
yourself comfortable.
You're leaving!
- Just leave me alone, Barbara.
- Well, at least turn around.
Not this way!
That way!
(laughter)
- [Ann] Alex?
- Mom, would you
get him out of here?
The bubbles are
starting to disintegrate!
(laughter)
- [Ann] Barbara, would
you just open the door?
- Mom, I'm in tub.
I am stark...
Wet.
(laughter)
- Okay, Barbara, I'm gonna
get something to open the door.
Just keep him there.
- Yeah, I'll see what I can do.
(laughter)
Alex, what are
you doing in here.
Don't turn around!
- You know, Barbara,
this isn't funny.
- Tell me about it.
(laughter)
Look here, Alex.
Not here!
(laughter)
Look, how long do
you plan on staying?
- Maybe forever.
(laughter)
- No, no.
See, dear, I want you
out of here before puberty.
(laughter)
Okay, Alex, what's the matter?
- She's just ruining everything.
- Who?
- Your mom.
She's not gonna
get away with it.
- [Ann] Oh, there we go!
- Come in, come in.
We're just getting
ready for the sing-along.
(laughter)
- Okay, Alex, come on.
Let's talk.
- Look, the only one
I'm talking to is my dad.
- Not in here, I hope.
(laughter)
- Look, I don't think that
your dad is going to be
too thrilled with your behavior.
- Maybe he's not gonna
be too thrilled with yours.
- What?
- You guys, I'm
beginning to pucker.
(laughter)
- All right, sweetheart.
Okay, come on, Alex.
Let's go.
Let's try to have a
civilized conversation, huh?
- I don't want a
civilized conversation.
- Don't knock it til
you've tried it, kid.
Let's go.
- Alex, when you speak of
this, and you will, be kind.
(laughter)
Close the door!
- Okay, Alex, your father
should be coming back soon.
You think we can have
this cleared up before then?
- It's all cleared up now.
- Look, Alex, whatever
is bothering you is
very important to me.
- Okay, I'll tell you.
You bother me.
- I see.
Well, I guess if
we stretch a point,
we can call that a beginning.
- Or an ending.
- Alex, your father and I...
- Look, just don't
say that, okay?
There is no my father and you.
There's my father and me,
and my father and my mom.
You're out of it.
- I care about you.
I care about your father.
- Nobody asked you to!
- [Ann] He did.
- He did not!
Just butt out of our life!
- Alex.
Please be kidding, huh?
- Kidding?
You think I'm kidding?
Well, let me tell you something.
I hate this building
and I hate his new
apartment that you decorated!
- I was being helpful!
- You were butting in!
- That's not true!
- Yes, it is!
- No, it's not!
- You were butting
in, taking over!
- Look, Alex, you
are being unfair.
You are being totally unfair.
You're acting like a brat, a
spoiled rotten obnoxious brat!
And maybe I'd damn
well better take over,
because it doesn't look
like your mother or father
are doing a very good job!
- I hate you, I hate you!
- Alex!
- And if you're
such a great mother,
how come your kids dropped
out of school and ran away, huh?
- Alex!
(audience gasping)
(singing operatically)
- Dad, she hit me!
- She what?
- She slapped me!
- You slapped Alex?
Just let me get
this straight, Annie.
You slapped Alex?
- [Ann] Yes, I did.
- Who the hell do
you think you are?
- Hold it...
- You hold it!
What are you,
some kind of lunatic?
- There's a reason...
- A reason for what, Annie?
To slap my kid?
His mother never
smacked him like that!
I never smacked him like that!
- Maybe you should have.
- Daddy, come on.
Let's just get out of here.
- Okay, Alex, come on.
Where's your jacket?
- I left it in the bathroom.
- Okay, I'll get it.
- Nick, would you
let me explain?
Nick?
(screaming)
- Can you believe this?
What are you doing?
Selling tickets?
(laughter)
- Sorry, Barbara.
- Daddy, let's just
get out of here.
- Yeah, kid.
- Come on, don't you want
to stay for the second show?
- Barbara?
Nick, please.
Would you let me explain?
- Some other time, Annie.
(bright violin music)
Oh, no!
(laughter)
- Who the hell are they?
- They are my romantic surprise.
Some romantic evening,
you beating up my kid.
- Nick, it wasn't like that.
If you would just
let me... Look, fellas.
- Who broke the plant?
- Dad, let's just
get out of here!
- Okay.
- Damn it, Nick!
No!
I deserve a chance to explain!
- Annie, I don't even know...
Could you please
stop it, please?
Just stop, thank you.
(laughter)
Look, Annie, you
want to explain, explain.
- Okay, Nick.
- Annie, what happened?
We were gonna have
a romantic dinner.
We were gonna have
candlelight and wine and music.
(bright lively violin music)
(laughter)
Could you please stop it?
No more music, please!
- You promised us 50 bucks.
- Yes, you're right.
Here we go.
I did.
Here we go.
20, 40, and 50.
Thank you.
- You've got another
20 minutes coming.
- We don't need it.
- Pushover, huh?
(laughter)
- Nick, if you'd listen,
you probably would
be singing another tune.
(intense romantic violin music)
Would you get out of here!
(laughter)
- He's got a live one there.
(laughter)
- Okay, Annie, tell me.
- Dad, she hit me.
What else do you have to know?
- Alex, I have to know why.
- I broke the plant,
the one she gave you.
- You broke our plant?
Why?
- Nick.
I went nuts and
slapped him because...
(sighing)
It's all so damn complicated.
Alex has been trying very,
very hard not to like me.
- Come on, Annie.
That's crazy.
Alex likes you!
Don't you like her, Alex?
- No, I don't.
Dad, can't you see?
She's running your whole life.
She's changing
everything and that stinks.
- Alex?
- Dad, she's ruining everything.
- Alex, was it better
when I was miserable?
- Yeah.
- I think what Alex
is trying to say, Nick,
is that if you're
happy with my mother,
you probably won't be
going back to his mother.
- Dad, I just want things
to be the way they were.
- Oh, Alex.
I'm sorry.
They can't be.
- Not ever?
- No, son, not ever.
See, things between
me and your mother,
they just changed.
It wasn't her fault.
It wasn't mine.
It certainly wasn't
yours, sweetheart.
I want you to know
that it wasn't your fault.
It just happened.
And it happened long
before I met Annie.
- Dad, I want to go home.
- Okay, I know.
Let's go.
- Alex?
I'm real sorry for everything.
See, what your father
and I feel for each other
is still very new and fragile
and you have the ability
to break a lot
more than a plant.
Can you understand that?
- Annie, I'll talk
to you later, okay?
- Okay.
(sighing)
No, that was a good thing.
It was.
I mean, Alex and I got a
lot of things off of our chest,
things that have been
bothering us and I really think
that we're gonna
be a lot closer now.
- [Barbara] Maybe.
- No, really, Barbara.
I mean, the pain of his father
and his mother breaking up.
He'll get over that.
- No, he won't.
- Yes!
Barbara, he will.
I mean, Alex is an
emotionally healthy...
He's intelligent.
He's an adaptable boy.
I mean, it's gonna take
time but he'll get over it.
- Mom, as far as his
folks' divorce is concerned,
some day Alex will
understand it and he'll accept it
and he'll live with it,
but he's never
gonna get over it.
(applause)
(instrumental theme song)
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what
you do ♪ Hold on tight
♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ One Day at a Time, da dada da
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ One Day at a Time, da dada da
♪ One Day at a Time
- You any good at Spanish?
- Ay caramba!
Am I any good at Spanish?
I had two anos of
it in high escuela.
(laughter)
Let me see your problem.
- What's this mean in English?
- Oh, um.
I would like...
to eat...
some buildings.
(laughter)
- I would like to
eat some buildings.
- Wrong, huh?
- Yeah, unless
Godzilla wrote this.
(laughter)
I'm not gonna
worry about Spanish.
I have more important
things to worry about.
- Like what?
- My dad.
It's been rough on him
ever since the divorce.
- Okay, Alex, what's the matter?
- Well, he's out looking
for a new apartment, right?
- [Barbara] Yeah.
- He's not gonna
find anything decent.
Not with what he's
got to spend on rent.
- Yeah, but don't forget,
my mom's helping him look.
She can be a real tightwad.
You know those soap slivers that
everybody usually throws away?
Well, she presses 'em together.
We've got Irish
Camay that floats.
(laughter)
- I'm serious, Barbara.
I mean, my dad could
solve the whole thing
if he just moved
back in with Mom.
Well, why not?
They wouldn't have
to talk to each other.
I mean, he could live
on the second floor,
and she could live
on the ground floor.
There's just one bath.
That may even
help the situation.
(laughter)
- I think it's a
little late for that.
- Well, he'd be better
off than he is now.
He's worrying, looking
like he's gonna cry.
He's so sad.
(kazooing "Anchors Aweigh")
(laughter)
- He hides his grief very well.
- Company halt!
About face!
Present arms!
Forward, hug!
(laughter)
- Oh, guess where we've been?
- Duck hunting?
- The carnival!
- How come I didn't
get to go, Dad?
- Oh, it was just a spur of
the moment thing, you know?
We were out
apartment hunting and
we just bumped
into this carnival.
Your dad thought maybe
he could find a tent to rent.
- And she's angry at me
because I guessed her weight.
- Oh, what did you win?
- A kick in the shins.
He guessed 500 pounds.
(laughter)
- Dad, it's just as well you
didn't find an apartment.
I have an idea.
- May I enter?
- Do we have a choice?
(laughter)
- No fooling around.
I've got bad news.
Brace yourselves.
- What is it, Schneider?
- You braced?
- Schneider, we're braced.
- Mrs. Ferraro
died this morning.
- Mrs. Ferraro?
- The old lady in 507.
- Oh, she's the lady with
the parakeet, isn't she?
Oh, Schneider, I'm sorry!
- Yeah, so am I.
She was sick for a long time.
I'll tell you something, though.
She really loved that parakeet.
She used to take him out every
Saturday morning for a walk.
(laughter)
Just she, the bird,
and a little blue-and-white
pooper-scooper.
(laughter)
I walked in this morning,
he was standing in the
middle of his cage at attention.
I could have sworn he was
chirping out a final farewell.
("Taps")
♪ Tweet tweet tweet (laughter)
♪ Tweet tweet tweet (laughter)
- Schneider, did this Mrs.
Ferraro, did she live alone?
- Yeah, just her
and the parakeet.
Of course, he's an orphan now.
(laughter)
- Poor little green guy.
- Yeah, I'm gonna have
to take out a for-rent ad.
Two bedroom apartment with
a view and a grieving parakeet.
(laughter)
- Two bedroom apartment, huh?
Well, you know, Schneider,
I happen to be a bird lover.
- Since when?
- Since Mrs. Ferraro died.
(laughter)
- I don't believe this!
Have you no
respect for the dead?
(laughter)
- Schneider, I want a
place badly and I promise,
I'll take good care of the bird.
- Nick, are you sure
that's such a good idea?
- Come on, Mom, it's a
parakeet, not a vulture.
(laughter)
- No, I mean, moving
into the building.
- She may be right, Dad.
- Alex, you're gonna
have your own room.
Annie will help us decorate it.
- I will?
- Annie, are you against
me moving into the building?
- No, no, Nick, I'm
not really against...
(sighing)
It scares me.
- Listen to her, Dad.
- Yeah, I'm trying to, Alex.
What scares you?
- All right, we work
together, we play together,
if you move into this building,
we'll practically
be living together.
We'll really find out
about each other.
- I can see it coming.
You get the man
and I get the bird.
(laughter)
- Annie, what's
wrong with really
getting to know each other?
- The truth?
- Yes, the truth.
- Okay, I thought I was
doing just great alone.
It's wonderful, you
know, the two of us.
I don't want
anything to spoil it.
- Nothing's gonna spoil it.
- How can you be sure?
- Well, there are no
guarantees on anything.
Let's just dive right in
and take a chance, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay!
Well, Schneider, do
I get the apartment?
- Sure, why not?
- Well, there goes
the neighborhood!
(laughter)
- Alex, we got ourselves
a new apartment!
Can I move right in?
- Well, that depends.
What side of the bed
to do you sleep on?
- The right side, why?
- Well, so does Mrs. Ferraro.
She's still up there.
(laughter)
- Hi there, Ms. Romano.
(audience whistling and hooting)
- Hi there, Schneider.
How was Mrs. Ferraro's funeral?
- Oh, it was terrific.
I got to tell you,
those Italians,
they really know
how to throw a wake.
I mean, there was crowds of
people and music and praying.
My gosh, they had so much food.
They must have
had 47 kinds of pasta.
There was linguini, fettucine,
vermicelli,
tortellini, rigatoni.
Sounds like the offensive
line for Notre Dame.
(laughter)
Boy, did they have
a lot to drink, too!
I had to send the
parakeet home in a taxi.
(laughter)
You got your pants
on inside-out there.
- Yeah, I know, Schneider.
It's easier to pin
them this way.
- Last time I had my
pants on inside-out,
I was ducking out of the
window of the ladies' gym
at the San Diego Naval base.
(laughter)
So, tell me, Handris
get moved in all right?
- Yeah, he's almost all settled.
- You know, I don't know
if I should mention this.
I mean, it's none
of my business.
- That never stopped you before.
(laughter)
- I don't think it's right for
you and your business partner
to be cohabitating together
in the same domicile.
- Schneider, we're both
mature people, okay?
- Anyway, let me
give you a little advice.
This is advice from my
own personal observation
of Mother Nature in the raw.
To wit, the tragedy
of Willy and Wally.
- Oh, no, Schneider.
I'm not gonna bite.
(chuckling)
(laughter)
Yeah, okay, so what
about Willy and Wally?
- They were my own personal
pair of pygmy guinea pigs.
(laughter)
- Oh, I knew I
shouldn't have asked!
- Willy and Wally were
playmates but they lived
in their own separate
little sleeping quarters.
Well, one day, I decided
to make them roommates.
It was not a good idea.
Willy ate Wally.
(laughter)
- Thank you, Schneider.
I'll treasure that.
- Just a word to the wise.
(knocking)
I'll get the door.
- Hi, Schneider.
- Hi, Willy.
(laughter)
- Never mind.
- Look, Handris, now
that you're moved in,
maybe I should remind you of
some of the basic house rules.
Okay?
- Sure.
- No loud music, no skateboards,
no barbecuing on
the fire escapes,
no running back
and forth between
the apartments in your skivvies.
Absolutely no orgies unless
you coordinate it with the Super
(laughter)
- My turn?
I have two dripping
faucets, a faulty light switch,
a stuck window, buckled
linoleum in the kitchen,
a hall that needs painting
and a shelf in the broom closet
that looks like it was put
up by a drunken sailor.
- You're off to a
bad start, Handris.
(laughter)
Ms. Romano?
Willy and Wally.
(laughter)
- No, never mind, really.
- Annie, it is such
a great apartment.
- Oh, I'm so glad.
I hope Alex likes the
wallpaper I picked out for him.
- Oh, yeah, I'm sure
he will and you, my dear,
are invited for
dinner up at my place.
I've got a casserole
in the oven.
(speaking foreign language)
- Oh, no!
Beef stew again?
(laughter)
- Well, now, that's
what I call a kiss.
Turned your pants inside-out.
(laughter)
- Barbara, can't you
cough before you come in?
I always do.
- Oh, sorry.
(coughing)
(laughter)
- Oh, Nick, here.
- What? Oh!
- For your apartment.
- Oh, what a beautiful azalea!
- Aw, Nick, do me a favor, huh?
- What?
- Don't cry into it.
- Okay.
- I just finished watering it.
- Okay.
(laughter)
Thank you!
- I'm gonna go change.
- All right, thanks a lot.
Barbara, I want to
ask you something.
I'm planning this kind
of romantic dinner.
You know,
candlelight and wine...
- Oh, Nick!
Just you and Mom
and me and Alex?
- [Nick] What?
- No, I'm kidding.
As soon as I take
my bath, I'm leaving.
- Great, see, I want to ask you.
I know these guys and they
pick up a few extra bucks.
They're kind of gypsy violinists
and I'm wondering, do
you think your mother...
- Gypsy violinists?
- [Nick] Right.
- Oh, Nick.
That's the hokiest,
most outdated,
corniest thing I've ever heard.
She'll love it.
(laughter)
- Ah, thank you!
(knocking)
- Hi, Alex!
Come on in.
- Alex?
I thought you were supposed
to watch the casserole.
- It didn't leave.
It's still in the oven.
- I'd better go watch it.
I'll be right back, okay?
- Did you see the plant that
my mom got for your dad?
It's nice, huh?
- Who needs it?
- Hi, Alex!
Do you like your room?
- It's a room.
- Talk about
unbridled enthusiasm.
- Yeah, well, I've
got to get ready.
- Okay.
Hey, Alex, you hungry?
You want something to eat?
I'll fix you something.
You have time before your bus.
- Look, I know how much
time I have before my bus.
Don't worry, I'll be
out of your way before
you have your private
dinner with Dad.
- Oh, Alex, I don't
mean to rush you.
(banging)
Okay, okay, okay!
- Oh, I got to put the
casserole in the oven.
- [Ann] What's the matter?
- Oh, I think I used the
wrong paint for my kitchen.
Those fumes are getting to me!
I must be allergic to them.
Oh, 375, ah!
- Well, we can have dinner here.
- Oh, good.
I think we'd better keep
the plant down here also.
Alex, did you see the
plant Annie got us?
Isn't it beautiful?
Boy, I hope we
can sleep tonight.
- Oh, you don't have to
sleep in your apartment.
- Oh, good.
(audience gasps)
- You can always
go to a cheap hotel.
(laughter)
Or, you can sleep here.
- That's my sweet little Annie.
(laughter)
Oh, I almost forgot.
I've got to get something.
I'll be right back.
Alex, you got your bus fare?
Alex, you all right?
Are you getting the flu?
- No, I'm okay.
- You sure?
How about a big hug
for your old Pop, huh?
Come here.
Why don't you come
over tomorrow night?
We'll watch The Late
Show together, okay?
- Oh, Nick, Nick, Nick!
You might as well take my
key and let yourself back in.
- All right!
(laughter)
- You're really
something, you know that?
- Alex, what's the matter, huh?
What's wrong?
- You think I don't
know what's going on,
Mrs. Annie Take-Over?
You got my dad to
live in your building.
Now, he's cooking
in your kitchen.
He's going to be
eating at your table
and tonight he's going
to be sleeping in your bed!
- Hold on, Alex!
- I'm leaving!
- No, Alex, look.
I really don't want you
to leave like this, okay?
Let's talk.
- Just get out of my way!
- No!
- Look, I don't
want to talk to you.
I don't want to see you.
I don't want to do one thing
where you're concerned!
- Alex!
Hey, Alex!
(screaming)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Alex, I'm taking a bath.
- Who cares?
- [Ann] Alex?
- Don't make
yourself comfortable.
You're leaving!
- Just leave me alone, Barbara.
- Well, at least turn around.
Not this way!
That way!
(laughter)
- [Ann] Alex?
- Mom, would you
get him out of here?
The bubbles are
starting to disintegrate!
(laughter)
- [Ann] Barbara, would
you just open the door?
- Mom, I'm in tub.
I am stark...
Wet.
(laughter)
- Okay, Barbara, I'm gonna
get something to open the door.
Just keep him there.
- Yeah, I'll see what I can do.
(laughter)
Alex, what are
you doing in here.
Don't turn around!
- You know, Barbara,
this isn't funny.
- Tell me about it.
(laughter)
Look here, Alex.
Not here!
(laughter)
Look, how long do
you plan on staying?
- Maybe forever.
(laughter)
- No, no.
See, dear, I want you
out of here before puberty.
(laughter)
Okay, Alex, what's the matter?
- She's just ruining everything.
- Who?
- Your mom.
She's not gonna
get away with it.
- [Ann] Oh, there we go!
- Come in, come in.
We're just getting
ready for the sing-along.
(laughter)
- Okay, Alex, come on.
Let's talk.
- Look, the only one
I'm talking to is my dad.
- Not in here, I hope.
(laughter)
- Look, I don't think that
your dad is going to be
too thrilled with your behavior.
- Maybe he's not gonna
be too thrilled with yours.
- What?
- You guys, I'm
beginning to pucker.
(laughter)
- All right, sweetheart.
Okay, come on, Alex.
Let's go.
Let's try to have a
civilized conversation, huh?
- I don't want a
civilized conversation.
- Don't knock it til
you've tried it, kid.
Let's go.
- Alex, when you speak of
this, and you will, be kind.
(laughter)
Close the door!
- Okay, Alex, your father
should be coming back soon.
You think we can have
this cleared up before then?
- It's all cleared up now.
- Look, Alex, whatever
is bothering you is
very important to me.
- Okay, I'll tell you.
You bother me.
- I see.
Well, I guess if
we stretch a point,
we can call that a beginning.
- Or an ending.
- Alex, your father and I...
- Look, just don't
say that, okay?
There is no my father and you.
There's my father and me,
and my father and my mom.
You're out of it.
- I care about you.
I care about your father.
- Nobody asked you to!
- [Ann] He did.
- He did not!
Just butt out of our life!
- Alex.
Please be kidding, huh?
- Kidding?
You think I'm kidding?
Well, let me tell you something.
I hate this building
and I hate his new
apartment that you decorated!
- I was being helpful!
- You were butting in!
- That's not true!
- Yes, it is!
- No, it's not!
- You were butting
in, taking over!
- Look, Alex, you
are being unfair.
You are being totally unfair.
You're acting like a brat, a
spoiled rotten obnoxious brat!
And maybe I'd damn
well better take over,
because it doesn't look
like your mother or father
are doing a very good job!
- I hate you, I hate you!
- Alex!
- And if you're
such a great mother,
how come your kids dropped
out of school and ran away, huh?
- Alex!
(audience gasping)
(singing operatically)
- Dad, she hit me!
- She what?
- She slapped me!
- You slapped Alex?
Just let me get
this straight, Annie.
You slapped Alex?
- [Ann] Yes, I did.
- Who the hell do
you think you are?
- Hold it...
- You hold it!
What are you,
some kind of lunatic?
- There's a reason...
- A reason for what, Annie?
To slap my kid?
His mother never
smacked him like that!
I never smacked him like that!
- Maybe you should have.
- Daddy, come on.
Let's just get out of here.
- Okay, Alex, come on.
Where's your jacket?
- I left it in the bathroom.
- Okay, I'll get it.
- Nick, would you
let me explain?
Nick?
(screaming)
- Can you believe this?
What are you doing?
Selling tickets?
(laughter)
- Sorry, Barbara.
- Daddy, let's just
get out of here.
- Yeah, kid.
- Come on, don't you want
to stay for the second show?
- Barbara?
Nick, please.
Would you let me explain?
- Some other time, Annie.
(bright violin music)
Oh, no!
(laughter)
- Who the hell are they?
- They are my romantic surprise.
Some romantic evening,
you beating up my kid.
- Nick, it wasn't like that.
If you would just
let me... Look, fellas.
- Who broke the plant?
- Dad, let's just
get out of here!
- Okay.
- Damn it, Nick!
No!
I deserve a chance to explain!
- Annie, I don't even know...
Could you please
stop it, please?
Just stop, thank you.
(laughter)
Look, Annie, you
want to explain, explain.
- Okay, Nick.
- Annie, what happened?
We were gonna have
a romantic dinner.
We were gonna have
candlelight and wine and music.
(bright lively violin music)
(laughter)
Could you please stop it?
No more music, please!
- You promised us 50 bucks.
- Yes, you're right.
Here we go.
I did.
Here we go.
20, 40, and 50.
Thank you.
- You've got another
20 minutes coming.
- We don't need it.
- Pushover, huh?
(laughter)
- Nick, if you'd listen,
you probably would
be singing another tune.
(intense romantic violin music)
Would you get out of here!
(laughter)
- He's got a live one there.
(laughter)
- Okay, Annie, tell me.
- Dad, she hit me.
What else do you have to know?
- Alex, I have to know why.
- I broke the plant,
the one she gave you.
- You broke our plant?
Why?
- Nick.
I went nuts and
slapped him because...
(sighing)
It's all so damn complicated.
Alex has been trying very,
very hard not to like me.
- Come on, Annie.
That's crazy.
Alex likes you!
Don't you like her, Alex?
- No, I don't.
Dad, can't you see?
She's running your whole life.
She's changing
everything and that stinks.
- Alex?
- Dad, she's ruining everything.
- Alex, was it better
when I was miserable?
- Yeah.
- I think what Alex
is trying to say, Nick,
is that if you're
happy with my mother,
you probably won't be
going back to his mother.
- Dad, I just want things
to be the way they were.
- Oh, Alex.
I'm sorry.
They can't be.
- Not ever?
- No, son, not ever.
See, things between
me and your mother,
they just changed.
It wasn't her fault.
It wasn't mine.
It certainly wasn't
yours, sweetheart.
I want you to know
that it wasn't your fault.
It just happened.
And it happened long
before I met Annie.
- Dad, I want to go home.
- Okay, I know.
Let's go.
- Alex?
I'm real sorry for everything.
See, what your father
and I feel for each other
is still very new and fragile
and you have the ability
to break a lot
more than a plant.
Can you understand that?
- Annie, I'll talk
to you later, okay?
- Okay.
(sighing)
No, that was a good thing.
It was.
I mean, Alex and I got a
lot of things off of our chest,
things that have been
bothering us and I really think
that we're gonna
be a lot closer now.
- [Barbara] Maybe.
- No, really, Barbara.
I mean, the pain of his father
and his mother breaking up.
He'll get over that.
- No, he won't.
- Yes!
Barbara, he will.
I mean, Alex is an
emotionally healthy...
He's intelligent.
He's an adaptable boy.
I mean, it's gonna take
time but he'll get over it.
- Mom, as far as his
folks' divorce is concerned,
some day Alex will
understand it and he'll accept it
and he'll live with it,
but he's never
gonna get over it.
(applause)
(instrumental theme song)