One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 19 - Small Wonder II - full transcript

The child prodigy who once tutored Barbara is now her boss.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time


- Honey, what's wrong?
- Huh?

- Well, I've seen you
eat one Ding-Dong

when you broke a nail
and two Ding-Dongs

when your hair frizzed,
but a whole plate full?


Did Al Pacino get married?


- I don't know, but Ted
Loomis is coming over.

- Ah, Ted Loomis.

Okay, don't tell me.

Ted Loomis-he's a
tall, blonde jock, right?

- Close; he's the
short, dark genius.

- Of course.

Ted Loomis-he's your old tutor.

- Old? Mom, he's only 15.

- Yeah, I know but he
is a college graduate.

- True.
- Phi Beta Kappa.

- True.
- With a brain

that makes mine
look like a peanut.

- True. (laughter)

(doorbell rings)

- So, what's little
genius up to now?

- Oh, probably about here.


- Hello.

- Ted, well come on in.

You've grown.

- Oh, Barbara, you
certainly have aged well.


- Ted.
- Hello, Ms. Romano.

- How are ya? (laughs)

I gotta tell you, it's not fair.

- What?

- Smarter than I am, okay,
but you gotta be taller?

- Isn't everybody?

- Well, I have noticed
a significant increase

in my hormone activity lately.


- I can see you've been shaving.

- Can you really see a beard?


- Oh, well, I can see
where you cut yourself.


- See, the hairs are there.

They just won't surface.


- Come on, Ted, sit down.

- Ding-Dongs.

Barbara, you remembered.

- Sure, you want one?

- No, thanks.

I don't like 'em.


See, they're for kids-

of all ages. (laughs)


- So, Ted, tell me.

What have you been
doing with yourself

since we last saw you?

- Besides growing. (laughter)

- I had a very
stimulating summer.

- Oh, really? Camp?

- Uh, Harvard.

I got a business degree.

- Uh huh, and Barbara got a tan.


- Ted, you're amazing.

- Only my mind; my
body's nothing special.


Which is what I want to
talk to you about, Barbara.

- Your body?

- No, my mind and
what I'm gonna do with it.

- No bicycles in the hallway.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

- That's my bike.

- Hey, look who's
here-the mini calculator.


How are you, Ted?

- Fine, Mr. Schneider.

- Yeah, how's the old I.Q.?

- Bigger. (laughter)

- Bigger, huh?
- Yeah.

- Okay, let's see.

Who lead the National
League in RBIs in 1930?

- Lewis Robert Wilson, better
known as Hack, 190 RBIs.

Mr. Wilson was born
in Lincoln, Nebraska

to Lithuanian parents.

- I think his mother
was Croatian.


So, Ted, got any girlfriends?

- No, see, it's the
same old problem.

They're either too
old or too dumb.

How 'bout you, Mr. Schneider?

How are all of
your lady friends?

- Oh, same old problem.

They're either too
young or too smart.


- So, Ted, que pasa?

- (speaks in Spanish)


- I hear you.


- I just told him I
was looking for a job.

- In near perfect Portuguese.

- You know, they have

an opening at Olympia
Sporting Goods

where I work for a stock boy.

- A stock-what are you kidding?

This guy has a brain trust.

He should be down in
Washington advising the President

on what kind of
jellybeans to buy.


- Ted, what do you have in mind?

- Corporate Executive.

- With your own key
to the little boys room.


- That's the problem, see.

Everyone thinks
of me as a little boy.

A dozen companies
have liked my resume,

and then I go in
for the interviews,

and the secretaries grab me.

- That's one of
your fringe benefits.


- I can't get past 'em.

They take one look
at me and suddenly

their bosses are very busy.

The secretaries laugh at me.

It's so frustrating.

I guess it's my puerility.

- Have you tried
calamine lotion?


- No one will hire me.

- It's unfair.

It really sounds unfair.

You're more than qualified.

- All they seem to
notice is that I'm a kid.

No one cares that mentally
Einstein and I are like this.

- Yeah, the same way
with me and Errol Flynn.


- I do have one more
possibility, though.

See, I submitted a
reorganization plan

to Erickson Enterprises.

- You're kidding.

They own Olympia Sporting Goods.

- Not to mention
half of Indianapolis.

- Well, they like my plan,

and I have an interview
with them tomorrow.

I just hope I can get
into their inner office.

- Hey, listen, maybe I
can take you down to

the boom-boom room
at The Purple Pig.

That'll put ten years
on you like that.


- You know, Ted, what
you really need is a ringer.

- A what?

- A ringer.

That's somebody who
goes in and poses as Ted

just to get him in to
see the head honcho.

- Mom.

- That's mildly larcenous.

I like it.

- Now all you need is someone
who can handle the secretary.


- When you care enough
to send the very best.


- Right, Pat, so
have a nice day.

Sheesh. (laughter)

- Good morning.

- Uh, April, I don't need that.

I didn't have a wild and
crazy night last night.

- Eat your heart out.


- I presume you came
in here for a reason.

- Your first interview
out there. (laughs)

You're not gonna like it.

- Give me a hint.

- Mr. Ted Loomis.

- Oh, yes,
Mr. Erickson's discovery-

created that brilliant
reorganization plan,

not unlike the one I drew up.

- Except Erickson
didn't like yours.

- He didn't say
he didn't like it.

He said he'd get
back to me on it.

- That was three years ago.


- He's a very busy man.

Why don't you bring Loomis in?

- Yes indeed.

Mr. Loomis?

Mr. Buckley will see you now.


- Buckley, about the kid-

- Hey, I understand.

I saw Kramer versus Kramer.

Wife ran off to find herself.

Babysitters are expensive.

Sit down, son.

- Listen, Buckley...
Call me Roger, Ted.

- Call me Dwayne, Roger.

- You're not Ted, Dwayne?

- No, I'm Dwayne, Roger.

- Roger, Dwayne.

- Ten-four.


I happen to be the advance man

without portfolio
for Ted Loomis.

- Advance man?

- To keep you
from discriminating.

- Ho-ho-ho, we
do not discriminate

here at Erickson Enterprises.

Our motto is, "For a job
well done, we'd hire a nun."


- How about an altar boy?

- We make a point of
bringing bright young people

into the company
straight out of college.

- That's Ted Loomis.

- Fertile young minds
with fresh new ideas.

- That's Ted Loomis.

- Who are willing
to start at the bottom

and work their way up.

- Mm hmm, what
do you think of that?

- Why are you asking him?

- That's Ted Loomis.


- How do you do, Mr. Buckley?

- Excuse me.

April, get Mr. Erickson
in here immediately.

You can't be Ted Loomis.

You're a child.

- No offense, sir, but
youth and quality of mind

are not always
mutually exclusive.



- You get the picture?

Alright, kid, you're
on your own.

- Thanks, Mr. Schneider.

- I'll be outside
with the secretary.

There's no hurry. (laughter)

And Buckley, please always
remember and never forget

that the best things in
life come in little packages.

We're talking about
Napoleon, Willy Shoemaker,

Pee Wee Reese, Gary
Coleman (laughter)

and internationally famous
gardener, Tom Thumb.


So, how's it going
with the reindeer?


- How would you like a nice
hunk of coal in your stocking?


By the way, I think we'd
better make this very fast

'cause in a half an
hour I go hang gliding.

- Yes, Mr. Erickson.

I'd like you to meet Ted Loomis.

- You know, that's what
happens when you get to my age.

Everybody looks like a kid.


- Everyone is young
at one time, sir.

- Not necessarily.

I don't think Roger
here was ever young.

- Thank you, sir.

- You know, you must
be one of those prodigies

I keep reading about.

- I'm afraid so, sir.

- Don't knock it; that's great.

So is your reorganization plan.

- Right, not unlike mine.

- I didn't like yours.

- Thank you, sir. (laughter)

- I think that your plan
shows great promise.

- Thank you, sir.

- Come back in about ten years.

- But I'm available now.

- Teddy, we don't have
a daycare center here.

- I can't wait ten years.

Excuse me for saying
so, sir, but neither can you.

- I was so hoping to see
the turn of the century.


- I didn't mean
you personally, sir.

I meant your company.

See, it needs my plan.

- Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

Let's be realistic.

We're running a business here.

Anyone we hire, besides
having a good mind,

must also be able
to handle authority.

- You've got a point.

- But you like my plan.

- Oh, it's brilliant.

- Can't I at least
go over it with you?

- Am I smart enough?

- I really don't know, sir.

- Oh, now you see that.

He's so young he doesn't
even know how to kiss up,

but you can teach him.


- Thank you, sir.

Look, son, no offense
but our company

is more than
diagrams and charts.

It's, well, it's people.

Excuse me, sir. (clears throat)


Now how good is the
kid gonna be in the stores

implementing his plan, working
with people, large people.

- But, sir.
- Let's face it, sir.

What adult is gonna
take orders from a kid?

It's absurd.

- How're you gonna answer that?

- Mozart was a kid when he
composed his first symphony.

Was that absurd?

- Well.
- Picasso was a kid

when he painted
his first masterpiece.

Now, was that absurd?

- I never liked his early work.


Anyway, I'm talking about an
adult taking orders from a kid.

- John Paul Jones was an
officer when he was only 17.

- He's got you there.


- Why don't you two start
judging me on my abilities

instead of on when I was born?

You said my reorganization plan.

- I loved it, my
boy. I loved it.

- Then what about
the plan has changed

since you found out my age?

- Nothing, absolutely nothing.

- Sir, he's my son Herbie's age.

- I've met Herbie.


- Look, so I'm
young; that won't last.

I'm inexperienced;
that'll change.

All I need is a chance.

Somebody must've given you
your first chance, Mr. Erickson.

- Oh, yeah, she
was quite a babe.


- Maybe we should
give him a chance.

After all, it is Teddy's plan.

He's the only one
who understands it.

Let's let him implement it.

Let's put him in
one of our stores.

- Good idea.

- What? (laughter)

You can't put
a kid in the field.

- Oh, yes I can.

I own the company.

Welcome to Erickson Enterprises.

- Neato.
- Neato?


- I've never had such
a young employee.

- Sir, I've never had
such an old boss.


- I look old, huh?

- Only with wisdom, sir.

- Oh, you're learning fast.



- Hi, Barbara.

- Ted, hi.
- Hi.

- [Barbara] How'd
the interview go?

- Uh, well, I got a job.

- That's terrific.

Doing what?

- Well, actually I'll be
working here temporarily.

- I don't understand.

What, are you gonna
be the new stock boy?

- No, I'm gonna be your boss.



- People, people, may I
have your attention please?

I am Roger Buckley,
Executive Vice President

at Erickson Enterprises.

Thank you. (laughter)

Now I'm sure you're
all asking yourselves,

for gosh sakes, what's
an important VIP like him

doing down here with us?

Well, I'll tell you.

It wasn't my idea.


However, for the next few weeks,

we're sending your regular
boss on a little junket to Miami,

and Master Ted Loomis here
will be your supervising manager.

- I've heard of junior
executives but this is ridiculous.


- This is no laughing
matter, people.

Teddy here has developed a plan,

and we're gonna
put it into action.

I will be checking in
personally from time to time

to see how it's
failing-I mean, going.


But Teddy here... Ted.

- Ted will be your

- What if he has to take a nap?


- Reminder, we're all playing
on Mr. Erickson's team.

This is what he wants, as
cooky and zany as it may seem.

They're all yours.

- Thank you, Mr. Buckley,
for that vote of confidence.

- My pleasure.


Okay, bye people,
and remember ladies,

if you're gonna make
a pass at the boss,

make sure it's with
an Erickson football.



- Alright, everyone, okay.

My plan involves everything
from tearing down walls

to computerizing
our stock, okay?

Now, first order of business
is to do a complete inventory.

I'm gonna need all your help.

- Yeah, to reach the
top shelves (laughs)


- Come on, will you
give him a break?

- Look, I know.

I know that your normal
routine here may be disrupted.

- Instead of a coffee
break, we'll have recess.

- I like that one.
- Come on, you guys.

- We're just kidding.

- That's alright, Janice.

I'm in favor of fun and all,

but I think it's time
we got started.

Barbara, you
handle the register.

- Okay.
- And Janice and-

- Robert.
- Robert.

Could you two start
dismantling these displays?

- You got it, big guy. (laughs)


- They were laughing at me.

- Come on, they
laugh at everyone.

- I know but
Mr. Erickson will think

I can't handle authority.

- They'll take you
seriously, Ted.

Just give it some time.


- How much time?

- Oh, come on, just be patient.

People aren't used to
seeing your kind of brain

in your kind of body.

- I wish my voice was
deeper, like yours, Barbara.


- Ted, you're just
gonna have to show 'em

you mean business, that's all.

- Business, hmm.

You mean I gotta be
firm and strong and virile?

- Yeah, that sounds about right.

- Hey, Robert, when
you're done here,

you can get started
on the storeroom.

- Anything you
say, kiddo. (laughs)

- The name is Mr. Loomis,

and let's get
something straight here.

You're working for me.

It's not the other way around.

Got it, kiddo?


How was that?

- A little heavy
on the virility.

- No, no, you know,
I don't think so.

Barbara, you've really given
me a handle on this thing.

From now on, this job's
gonna be a piece of cake.

Hey, you, look alive.

Come on, there's stuff to do.

Now get to it.

- I can't believe it.

I just sold the
last lacrosse stick.

- Would you believe we
had a run on tether balls?

- I guess the Ayatollah
Loomis's ideas are working.

- Oh, come on.

He's not that bad.

- Come on, people.

This isn't the social hour.

There's work to do.

- I did everything you asked.

- Did you dust the boomerangs?

- What's the point?

They always come back anyway.



- Welcome back.

Did you enjoy your long lunch?

- Sorry, I'm only
five minutes late.

- Five minutes-
that's five lashes.

- Come on, he's only
been here three days.

Things are bound to get better.

- I hope so.

Lately, every time I see a
child, I break out in hives.


Stand back; let me pass.


- What's going on?

I just came in for
some sweat socks.

- Barbara, do you know what that

little twerp just said to me?

He said, "Get
your buns in gear."

I hate little boys.


- I thought we
were kind of cute.

- You are; just stay that way.

- Barbara, why are you
tweaking the customers?

- Oh, Ted, this is a friend
of mine-Alex Handris.

- [Alex] How ya doin'?

- Fine, thanks.

- Don't you go to
Meridian Junior High?

- No, I don't go to school.

- Oh, a dropout,
just like Barbara.


- Uh, no, Ted
graduated from college,

and now he's my boss.

- Sure look young for your age.

- He's 15.

Of course, mentally
he's way up there.

- You mean like a genius?

- You got it.

- That's weird.
- Why?

- You look perfectly normal.


- Thank you.

- You know, you're really lucky.

- [Ted] How come?

- You get to boss
her around, don't you?

- Yeah.

- And she can't answer you back?

- No.
- Bye.

- What about your sweat socks?

Where are you going?

- I've gotta study.

Suddenly, I feel motivated.


- He seems pretty
nice for a kid.

Hey, I thought I told
you to get cracking.

- I remember when you
seemed nice for a kid.

- Oh, look, Barbara, I
don't like to be mean.

When I was nice, they
just made fun of me.

I have to be tough.


That's just the kind of
thing I'm talking about.

- What?

- I let down my guard for a
minute and what do I get?

A lot of irresponsible levity.

Look, you two are not
being paid to socialize.

- We're working.

- In between anecdotes.

- Since when is talking a crime?

- Look, don't ask any questions.

Just do what I say.

- Listen, Mr. Loomis, you
gotta stop treating us like this.

- Yeah, you're really mean.

- I'm simply exerting my
authoritative prerogative.

- Stuff your
authoritative prerogative.

- You're fired.

- You can't do that.

- You're fired.

- [Woman] Excuse me.

- You're fired too.

- I'm a customer.


- Ted, you better-
- You're fired.

- What's going on here?

- So are you.


Mr. Buckley.

- You can't fire me.

- I kinda like the
sound of that.


What's going on?

- I let some of
the employees go.

- How many?

- Everybody.

- [Both] Everybody?

- Plus a customer.

- How the hell did you do that?

- He was on a roll.

- Who are you?

- Oh, I'm an ex-employee.

- How could you fire
a little fox like that?

- Let's face it, Mr. Erickson.

You had a good idea here.

It was innovative,
imaginative, and a disaster.

I say we bail out.

- You're a barrel of laughs.

- Thank you, sir.

- That was not a compliment.

- Thank you, sir.

- You blew it, huh?

- Yes, sir.

The employees couldn't
accept me because I'm a kid.

- We couldn't accept
you because you're a jerk.

- Oh, I see why you fired her.


- I'm sorry, but it has
nothing to do with age.

- You told me to be firm.

- Firm does not mean ferocious.

- They were making fun of me.

- And you were making
mincemeat of them.


- She's not gonna
let you off the hook.

- No, I'm gonna treat
him just like an adult.

- But I'm just a kid.

(audience gasps and moans)

- Can't have it both ways.


- I'll turn in my resignation
in the morning, sir.

- Good idea.

- No, it's not.

Come here, come here, come here.

Look, I want you to tell
me what happened exactly.

- I couldn't hack
it, Mr. Erickson.

I'm not a kid but I'm
not an adult either.

(sighs) I'm a misfit.

- Oh, come on, we all
feel like that sometimes.

I'm gonna let you
in on a little secret.

I never finished high school.

For years, I thought
I was so dumb.

- You're not dumb.

- Well, you're not a misfit.

- Nobody understands me.

No one respects me.

- Well, you can't
demand respect.

You have to earn that.

- But that could take years.

- Look, Einstein
didn't develop the

Theory of Relativity over night.

- Well, he had
a lot on his mind.


What am I gonna do?

- Look, you're the
brain; you tell me.

- I'll call the people I fired
and tell 'em I was wrong

and ask 'em to come back.

- Good.

- And I'll offer 'em a
fifty-cent an hour raise.

- Good.
- Mr. Erickson,

such a raise will
break minimum wage

and cost Erickson
Enterprises a fortune.

It's a bad idea.

- Not really, Mr. Buckley.

You see, the added
salary will be an incentive.

Besides, my new computerization
will save us on overtime.

The new travel flow will
save us on loss and breakage,

and the new ad patterns will
save us on advertising costs.

All in all, we'll come
out ahead, I'm sure.

- I'm sorry, Ted, you
don't belong here.

- But that made a lot of sense.

- Of course it did.

He belongs where Roger is.


- Sir.

- Now don't panic, Roger.

You see, you've got a
lot to learn about people

but we can use your brain.

I'm going to give
you your own office

with your own
little desk-big desk.

- Mr. Erickson.

- Not as big as yours.


- Hey, can anybody help
me or is all this stuff free?

- Alright, let's roll
up our sleeves.

Get cracking there, Roger.

- Sir, I don't wait
on customers.

- Oh, yes, you do.


- Yes, I do.

- Alright, you too.

- But I was fired.

- You're rehired.

- How about the raise?

- Well, you've got it.


- Barbara, now that I'm
gonna be up at headquarters,

how 'bout a date
with me one night?

- Oh, Ted, you're too young.

- Okay, maybe when I
become Chairman of the Board?

- Maybe.

You'll be seventeen by then.



(theme song instrumental)

(Columbia Pictures theme)