One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 12 - Five Fingered Discount - full transcript
Who would think that Grandma Romano would be arrested for shoplifting?
♪ This is it this is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it this is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight we'll muddle
through one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time da da da da
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time da da da da
♪ One day at a time
- This is really ridiculous.
What gives you the right to
go around intimidating people?
- This.
- Oh.
- And this.
- I see, yes well
that certainly would
give you the right
all right, but why?
- It's called shoplifting.
When someone stuffs a
$30 blouse in their purse
and dashes out the door,
I get a little suspicious.
- But wait...
- Ah ah ah, save
your breath girly.
Tell it to my boss.
- What have we got, Scottie?
- An innocent victim!
- Caught the suspect
sticking this in her handbag
and dashing out
to the parking lot.
- It's about time you kids learn
that shoplifting is
a serious offense.
- Hey chief.
- Two billion dollars
a year being ripped off
but you young
people treat it as a lark.
- Chief!
- You could get two
to four years for this.
Teenager, teenagers,
always teenagers!
- Chief.
- Chief.
That's the one over there.
(audience laughs)
- That's a hell of a disguise.
(audience laughs)
- It's my grandmother.
- It's all a mistake!
I don't want to end
up in the slammer.
I look so rotten in stripes!
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, come on
it's going to be all right.
We'll get this straightened out.
- Okay, oh honey please
call my mouthpiece.
- What?
- I don't know, George
Raft always used to say that.
(audience laughs)
- I'll take care
of this, Scottie.
- Right chief.
- Now come on Grandma,
you go over there
and you tell him
your side of the story.
- I'll handle this, young lady.
Now you tell me
your side of the story.
(audience laughs)
Mrs. Who?
- Katherine Romano,
R-O-M, that's it.
- Any AKAs?
- What the what?
(audience laughs)
- Any aliases?
- Oh, Michael called me animal.
(audience laughs)
My husband.
(audience laughs)
He's no longer with us.
You see one day he
just sat down and died.
My goodness, that
was a great shock.
- Well I can imagine.
- Well yes, he never did
anything like that before.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, about the blouse?
- Yes.
- Just a minute young lady.
About the blouse.
- Oh, yes it's lovely.
It's machine washable,
warm water cycle.
- No no no, did you
pick up this blouse,
put it in your purse,
and walk out the store?
- No!
- Yes I did.
- Grandma, you don't
know what you're saying.
- You admit it.
- Yes, you see the thing is
I'm wearing my turquoise skirt
to my club meeting and I
needed a sky blue blouse
and I couldn't tell if this
was sky blue or pale blue
so I took the blouse
over to the window
so I could look at the
color in the daylight.
- Now you satisfied?
- I've heard this story before.
- And that's when I
went for the chili recipe.
- Maybe I haven't
heard this story before.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, what chili recipe?
- The one without the beans.
Betty Armstrong's,
she's on my bowling team
and I saw her
through the window.
I've been trying to get
that recipe for a week.
Betty's so busy you know?
Well volunteer
work at the hospital,
working the food
co-op, our karate class.
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
After you saw this
Betty Armstrong
through the window, then what?
- Well I guess I was so
anxious to get the recipe
I just forgot all
about the blouse.
- See I knew it
was all a mistake.
- Yes, since my husband died
I guess I'm just so preoccupied.
I keep forgetting!
Last week I paid
the paper boy twice.
- Grandma, you
don't take the paper.
(audience laughs)
- I don't?
See?
(audience laughs)
- All right, all right,
that's enough.
This is the wildest
cockamamie story I ever heard.
- It's the truth!
- Yes.
- Well probably, nobody
could make up a lie like that.
(audience laughs)
Lady go home.
- Oh thank you!
- Come on Grandma.
- It was nice meeting you.
- I wish I could say the same.
- Grandma you
should sue this store,
just wait 'til Mom
finds out about this.
- Oh Barbara, do me a favor.
Please don't mention
this to your mother.
You know her temper.
She'll just get all excited
and blow her little red top.
(audience laughs)
Please, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Now what about the
blouse, do you want to buy it?
- Oh no way, the stuff
in this store is trash.
Let's go to Blocks.
(audience laughs)
(typewriter clacking)
(audience laughs)
- Hi there Ms. Romano!
- Hi Schneider.
- I said hi there Ms. Romano!
I got your new towel rack here.
Only take me a
minute to slap it up.
- Terrific, bathroom's free!
- Listen is the bathroom free?
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you just
go in and put it up?
- I'm gonna go ahead
in there and put it up.
(audience laughs)
Brand new towel rack, you know?
- Hi honey.
- Hi.
- How was shopping?
- What do you mean by that?
- Nothing, I mean
how was shopping?
- Mom, can't I even
take my coat off
before you start giving
me the third degree?
(audience laughs)
- Okay, what happened?
- Why would you think
something happened?
- Well you were with grandma.
When I'm with grandma,
something usually happens.
- Mom, nothing happened
no matter what you
hear from anybody.
(audience laughs)
(humming)
From the moves I'd say he's
dancing to The Who, Kiss.
- Or Bowling for Dollars.
(audience laughs)
Schneider, is the towel rack up?
- No thanks I'm on a diet.
(audience laughs)
- Would you take those off?
- Oh you turned the volume up!
(audience laughs)
- Neat headset, Schneider.
- Yeah, they're brand new.
Want to try 'em on?
My ears are clean.
- I'll pass, thanks.
- Look, I'm gonna get
another load out of the dryer.
Barbara, when I come
up perhaps we can discuss
whatever it is that's
bothering you?
- Nothing is bothering me,
so there is nothing to discuss!
Nothing happened and I'm
trying to forget it, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Whatever didn't happen
sure sounds serious.
- Just dumb.
- You want to talk about it?
- No, yes!
I swore on a double slice
of strawberry cheesecake
that I would not tell
Mom, but you're not Mom.
- No, she's shorter.
(audience laughs)
Go ahead, get it off your chest.
You can tell me anything.
- Grandma was
picked up for shoplifting.
- Don't tell me
anything like that!
(audience laughs)
- But the idiots
had to let her go
when she finally convinced
them that she was innocent.
- Well of course she's innocent,
she's the most thoughtful
and generous person I know.
I went over to her
place the other day,
I slapped up a few
shelves, big deal!
She gave me these
beautiful earphones.
- She gave you those?
- Yeah, obviously with
her price is no object.
- Grandma?
I wonder how much
these things cost.
- I don't know there
was no price tag on 'em,
no box, they didn't
come in no box, nothing.
- They didn't come
in any kind of box?
- No no, she just
handed them to me.
- She just
handed them to you?
- Barbara you should be ashamed!
- For what?
- For thinking
what I'm thinking.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, no she wouldn't, no.
Then why was she so
insistent that I don't tell Mom?
- I'm not sure but if it's true,
you're mom's gotta know.
- I can't tell her, I promised!
- Well you certainly
don't expect me to tell her.
- Tell me what?
- Nothing, nothing!
(audience laughs)
- Is that the same nothing
that has Barbara ready
for the Indianapolis
home for the silly?
(audience laughs)
- Schneider.
- Barbara.
- Oh, well now that
you two have met
perhaps you'll tell
me what the hell
is going on around here.
- Schneider, come on tell her.
It could be important.
- All right, Ms. Romano
this is the straight skinny.
Have you seen any
good movies lately?
(audience laughs)
- What?
- Schneider!
- Well the reason I asked
is that the other night,
I went to the drive-in with
Boom Boom Boravsky.
(audience laughs)
We actually watched the movie,
that's a first for Boom Boom.
Let's face it,
they don't call her
Boom Boom 'cause she's loud.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, what
are you getting at?
- Well anyway, it was
this Italian film see?
It's a classic, it was
about this family
and they share
everything see this family
and they all live
together up in a tree.
- What kind of
people live in a tree?
- They're squirrels,
they're Italian squirrels.
(audience laughs)
And see they're
like the Waltons.
There's a mama squirrel
and there's a grandma squirrel,
there's a little John
Boy squirrel and...
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, the important part?
- Yeah well okay
yeah about the nuts.
See now, all these
nice squirrel families
they get together and they
save all the acorns and nuts
that they can to take them
through the winter you know?
And so but they discover
that they have more nuts.
Finally they have more
nuts than they started with.
- I'll be darned.
- And then the climax
of the Italian picture
is when John Boy squirrel
begins to get suspicious
that grandma
squirrel was boosting
the nuts from other squirrels.
- And he doesn't know
if he should tell anybody.
- Right, yeah.
- Ah look I really don't know
what's going on around here.
I mean I am standing here
listening to a lot of gibberish
about this Italian film
classic with squirrels
and this grandma
squirrel who steals nuts...
(audience laughs)
Oh my god.
My mother's at it again.
(applause)
- Wait a second, you mean
Grandma has stolen before?
- A few times.
- Boggles the mind.
Grandma Romano a kleptomaniac.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, what happened?
- Well they caught
her with a blouse
in her purse at Vigman's.
- That's terrible.
Why, why, why why?
- Well she needed
the sky blue blouse
to go with her
turquoise skirt for the...
- Nobody cares about
skirts and blouses.
We're talking here about a
deep, personal human tragedy!
Probably gonna have to give back
these earphones she gave me.
(audience laughs)
- Oh no, the earphones too?
- Yeah we think so.
Mom why didn't you
tell me about this?
I thought we were a
family who shared things.
- I thought we were too.
(audience laughs)
- It hasn't happened
in a long time.
I thought she was over it.
- Why would Grandma steal?
- Oh I don't think
she even knows why.
It's a disease!
She goes along fine for years
and then when something
traumatic happens she slips.
- Oh boy, Grandpa's death
must have really shattered her.
- That could do it.
Remember Bambi?
(audience laughs)
When his mother died
he stopped making films.
(audience laughs)
- My dad tried her to
get her to see a doctor,
but Mom won't even
admit she has a problem
and the doctors all
say that until she admits
she steals, she can't be helped.
- Grandma could go to jail.
- You know I'm amazed that
she hasn't been
caught before this.
She must be pretty good.
(audience laughs)
- See the few times
that it has happened,
Daddy was always
there to take care of her.
I mean people knew
about Mom's problem
so the stores would just add
up what Mom took and bill Dad.
- Pretty convenient.
- Pretty expensive.
Well, I guess Mom and me
are going to have to have a talk
and level with each other.
I'm going to have
to get her to admit
that she has a problem,
and that ain't gonna be easy.
- Well Mom if you can do that,
maybe we can get
her the help she needs.
- Oh I hope so.
Hi Mom!
- Annie!
- Oh you look wonderful.
- Yes I do!
(audience laughs)
For an old bag.
- Stop that, come on in.
- Oh Annie, oh honey you
know it's so good to be here.
Now that you've got
your own business
we barely see each other.
- Oh I know that,
Mom, I'm sorry.
- Oh don't be sorry.
Listen, I'm so proud of
my successful daughter.
Makes all my friends so jealous.
When they start bragging
about their sons-in-law
I tell 'em about my successful,
independent, unmarried daughter.
Still single dear?
- Sit down Mom.
- Well what do you
have planned for us?
- Well I thought
lunch, a little girl talk.
- Good.
- So where do you want to eat?
- Well anywhere,
you choose, I'm easy.
- Okay, Mexican.
- Oh, too spicy.
- French.
- Mm, too garlicky.
- Italian?
- Too fattening.
- Sushi.
- Too squishy.
(audience laughs)
- Okay Mom, where
do you want to eat?
- Anywhere, I'm
easy, you choose.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, there is something
we have to discuss.
- Oh well sure.
Well?
- Well.
- Annie.
Honey is something wrong?
- No, Mom it's
nothing important.
Yeah, Mom it is important I
just don't know where to start.
- I've told you before
honey, if something's
bothering you just
come right out and say it.
- You're right.
- Well mothers are always right.
- Right.
- You've heard that before too.
- By the way, Mom these
earphones that you gave Schneider
they're really,
they're terrific.
- Oh you like those?
You like those?
Listen, next time
I'm at Vigman's
I'll pick you up a
pair for your birthday.
(audience laughs)
- No, Mom don't
pick me up anything.
- No no don't be silly
honey, it'll be my pleasure.
Just take a second,
dash in, grab a pair.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, Mom that's what
I want to discuss with you.
Hey, did you get a
good deal on these?
- A great deal, I just
couldn't pass 'em up.
(audience laughs)
- How much?
- What?
- How much did you pay?
- Oh I don't remember,
what difference does it make?
- Mother.
How much did you pay for these?
- You know, Mexican
food is starting
to sound real good to me.
(audience laughs)
- Mom?
Please admit it.
- What, what what?
- You didn't pay
for these earphones
and you didn't
pay for the blouse.
- Did that stoolie
granddaughter rat on me?
(audience laughs)
Strawberry cheesecake
used to mean something.
- Mom, we're all on your side.
- So Barbara told you about
that little mix-up
with the blouse.
- And Dad told me about
the mix-ups in Logansport.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Mom please, this
is real hard for me.
I know about the other times.
I've always known.
You take things.
- Are you calling
your mother a thief?
- No, Mom, you
don't mean to do it.
Maybe you need help.
- Now you're calling
your mother a fruitcake.
(audience laughs)
- You've been under
a lot of stress lately,
what with Dad dying.
And selling the house
and moving here.
See, in a way it's understandable
that you took these.
Please, Mom just admit it.
- You're right, I did.
- Oh, oh Mom you admit it!
- I forgot to pay.
- Huh?
(audience laughs)
- Well see I just remembered,
you know the store
was so crowded
and I was late for an
appointment and oh, silly me
I just, I forgot to pay!
- All right, that's a start.
We've got to take 'em back.
- Schneider's earphones?
How can you take something
that doesn't belong to you?
(audience laughs)
What do you want me to do?
Just walk up to a clerk
and give 'em back?
- No no, we will go
over to the counter
and casually walk up to it
and then nonchalantly drop
the earphones on the counter...
- And then run like hell.
(audience laughs)
Annie, why do I
feel like a crook
trying to give something back?
- Mom, here.
Take these.
Be natural, just casual.
- Casual.
- Okay?
Casual.
- Honey I can't.
- Yes you can.
- Casual.
- Go ahead.
- Good luck to me.
- Yes.
(audience laughs)
(whistles)
- Was that casual enough?
- Wonderful now
let's run like hell.
- Run like hell.
- Lady, lady!
You forgot something.
- Uh no honey those aren't hers.
- Sure they are, I
saw her drop them.
- Oh my, what a cute
little boy, isn't he cute?
- He is.
- You're a cute little
boy but you're mistaken.
You must have us
mixed up with a couple of
other young, attractive women.
- No way, I saw you
put them on the counter.
They're yours!
- Young person, why
aren't you in school?
- It's Sunday,
there's no school.
- No school, and it's Sunday.
Sunday, buzz off!
(audience laughs)
What do we do now?
- We're just going to
casually go over to this counter
and you do the same
thing, drop it on the counter.
- Casually put them down...
- Is that all for you today?
- Hi.
- No we don't want to buy those.
- Are you sure?
You know they're one
of our most popular items.
They're on sale.
- No, see these
she's my daughter
and she wants to return them.
- Oh well if they don't work
I'll be happy to exchange
them for another pair.
- No no no, never mind.
Thank you so much, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Stop!
(audience laughs)
Where are you going?
- Where are we going?
- [Both] Lunch!
- Mexican food.
- I'm afraid you can't.
- No no, my doctor
lets me eat it now.
(audience laughs)
- No what I mean is
you can't leave yet.
I have to give you a refund.
- No, I don't want one.
- Oh but you have
to have a refund.
- No I don't want one.
- Look Mrs...
- Ms. Romano,
she's single, still.
(audience laughs)
- Ms. Romano, you
see the way it works is
when you buy something
and then you return it,
you either exchange it
for other merchandise
or you get a refund.
I mean those are the
rules, it's like a game.
- It's just like a game.
Go directly to jail,
do not pass Go.
- So if you will give me your
sales receipt, I'll
expedite the matter.
- Sales receipt?
- That's that little
piece of paper
they give you when
you buy something.
- I know that Mom, but
we don't have one do we?
- Oh, I see oh it was a gift.
- No no, not a gift exactly, no.
- Ah you paid cash.
- Cash, who's got
that kind of money?
They must cost over 100 bucks.
- Look, let's work
it this way okay?
Since I don't have
a sales receipt
consider the earphones a gift
from Ann Romano to Vigman's!
- Do you have any idea what that
would do to our bookkeeping?
- I had a feeling you might
say something like that.
- Do you have a
Vigman's credit card?
- Yeah.
- May I see it please?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah it's here.
I have it, this is it why?
- Well, you didn't
pay cash for these.
- Right.
- And they weren't a gift.
- Right.
- So obviously you
must have charged them.
I'm just going to
credit your account.
- Oh, that's not necessary.
- Well listen it only
takes a minute.
First thing I do is I punch
your credit card number
into the computer.
- Mr. Winter, look...
- Then your charges for the
past six months
appear on the scanner.
- Could I have that card back?
I'm not sure I signed my...
- Actually purchased
these earphones
and just aren't returning
stolen merchandise for credit.
(laughing)
- I want my card back.
(audience laughs)
- Ms. Romano.
You know we, yeah well we
seem to have a little problem.
- Tell me about it.
- I don't have any record of you
ever having purchased
these earphones.
- Maybe it's another Ann Romano.
It's a common name.
- Italy is full of them.
(audience laughs)
Besides, that computer's
probably on the fritz.
- Afraid there's nothing
wrong with the computer.
Yes security please.
This is Winter, department 53.
You want to get me someone
up here on the double?
Yeah.
You ladies want
to wait here please?
- Look I didn't take
those earphones.
- Right, the tooth fairy
put 'em under your pillow.
(audience laughs)
- There's no need to get snotty.
- Listen lady, you
know we're getting
plenty sick and tired of being
ripped off by people like you.
I mean you know they're
going to throw the book at you.
- I didn't steal
those earphones.
Do I look like a shoplifter?
- She had nothing to do with
it, I stole those earphones!
- Mom!
You admitted it!
Ah, it's wonderful!
(audience laughs)
- Wonderful?
Lady you know you ought
to be ashamed of yourself,
letting your mother
take the rap for you!
- No you don't understand...
- What do you mean, a nice
sweet old woman like this!
- Oh watch it buster!
- Listen, a mother will do
anything to protect her child.
Even lie about shoplifting!
- She's not lying!
- I'm not lying!
- No.
- I'm a shoplifter.
- She's a shoplifter.
- I don't know why.
I have no idea why I do it.
- No idea why she does it!
- But just every
once in a while Annie,
Annie I just can't
seem to help myself.
- I know Mom.
- I'll let security handle it.
- It's okay, it's okay.
- Oh Annie I'm so sorry
to cause all this trouble.
- I know Mom, it's all
gonna be straightened out.
You've taken the biggest step.
You've admitted that
there is a problem.
Oh Mom, I am so proud of you.
- You are?
- You bet.
- [Narrator] Vigman's
Department Store dropped charges
against Katherine
the Animal Romano.
(audience laughs)
She is currently
undergoing treatment
with an eminent psychologist
who is single,
like her daughter.
(audience laughs)
(applause)
(jazz music)
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it this is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight we'll muddle
through one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time da da da da
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time da da da da
♪ One day at a time
- This is really ridiculous.
What gives you the right to
go around intimidating people?
- This.
- Oh.
- And this.
- I see, yes well
that certainly would
give you the right
all right, but why?
- It's called shoplifting.
When someone stuffs a
$30 blouse in their purse
and dashes out the door,
I get a little suspicious.
- But wait...
- Ah ah ah, save
your breath girly.
Tell it to my boss.
- What have we got, Scottie?
- An innocent victim!
- Caught the suspect
sticking this in her handbag
and dashing out
to the parking lot.
- It's about time you kids learn
that shoplifting is
a serious offense.
- Hey chief.
- Two billion dollars
a year being ripped off
but you young
people treat it as a lark.
- Chief!
- You could get two
to four years for this.
Teenager, teenagers,
always teenagers!
- Chief.
- Chief.
That's the one over there.
(audience laughs)
- That's a hell of a disguise.
(audience laughs)
- It's my grandmother.
- It's all a mistake!
I don't want to end
up in the slammer.
I look so rotten in stripes!
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, come on
it's going to be all right.
We'll get this straightened out.
- Okay, oh honey please
call my mouthpiece.
- What?
- I don't know, George
Raft always used to say that.
(audience laughs)
- I'll take care
of this, Scottie.
- Right chief.
- Now come on Grandma,
you go over there
and you tell him
your side of the story.
- I'll handle this, young lady.
Now you tell me
your side of the story.
(audience laughs)
Mrs. Who?
- Katherine Romano,
R-O-M, that's it.
- Any AKAs?
- What the what?
(audience laughs)
- Any aliases?
- Oh, Michael called me animal.
(audience laughs)
My husband.
(audience laughs)
He's no longer with us.
You see one day he
just sat down and died.
My goodness, that
was a great shock.
- Well I can imagine.
- Well yes, he never did
anything like that before.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, about the blouse?
- Yes.
- Just a minute young lady.
About the blouse.
- Oh, yes it's lovely.
It's machine washable,
warm water cycle.
- No no no, did you
pick up this blouse,
put it in your purse,
and walk out the store?
- No!
- Yes I did.
- Grandma, you don't
know what you're saying.
- You admit it.
- Yes, you see the thing is
I'm wearing my turquoise skirt
to my club meeting and I
needed a sky blue blouse
and I couldn't tell if this
was sky blue or pale blue
so I took the blouse
over to the window
so I could look at the
color in the daylight.
- Now you satisfied?
- I've heard this story before.
- And that's when I
went for the chili recipe.
- Maybe I haven't
heard this story before.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, what chili recipe?
- The one without the beans.
Betty Armstrong's,
she's on my bowling team
and I saw her
through the window.
I've been trying to get
that recipe for a week.
Betty's so busy you know?
Well volunteer
work at the hospital,
working the food
co-op, our karate class.
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
After you saw this
Betty Armstrong
through the window, then what?
- Well I guess I was so
anxious to get the recipe
I just forgot all
about the blouse.
- See I knew it
was all a mistake.
- Yes, since my husband died
I guess I'm just so preoccupied.
I keep forgetting!
Last week I paid
the paper boy twice.
- Grandma, you
don't take the paper.
(audience laughs)
- I don't?
See?
(audience laughs)
- All right, all right,
that's enough.
This is the wildest
cockamamie story I ever heard.
- It's the truth!
- Yes.
- Well probably, nobody
could make up a lie like that.
(audience laughs)
Lady go home.
- Oh thank you!
- Come on Grandma.
- It was nice meeting you.
- I wish I could say the same.
- Grandma you
should sue this store,
just wait 'til Mom
finds out about this.
- Oh Barbara, do me a favor.
Please don't mention
this to your mother.
You know her temper.
She'll just get all excited
and blow her little red top.
(audience laughs)
Please, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Now what about the
blouse, do you want to buy it?
- Oh no way, the stuff
in this store is trash.
Let's go to Blocks.
(audience laughs)
(typewriter clacking)
(audience laughs)
- Hi there Ms. Romano!
- Hi Schneider.
- I said hi there Ms. Romano!
I got your new towel rack here.
Only take me a
minute to slap it up.
- Terrific, bathroom's free!
- Listen is the bathroom free?
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you just
go in and put it up?
- I'm gonna go ahead
in there and put it up.
(audience laughs)
Brand new towel rack, you know?
- Hi honey.
- Hi.
- How was shopping?
- What do you mean by that?
- Nothing, I mean
how was shopping?
- Mom, can't I even
take my coat off
before you start giving
me the third degree?
(audience laughs)
- Okay, what happened?
- Why would you think
something happened?
- Well you were with grandma.
When I'm with grandma,
something usually happens.
- Mom, nothing happened
no matter what you
hear from anybody.
(audience laughs)
(humming)
From the moves I'd say he's
dancing to The Who, Kiss.
- Or Bowling for Dollars.
(audience laughs)
Schneider, is the towel rack up?
- No thanks I'm on a diet.
(audience laughs)
- Would you take those off?
- Oh you turned the volume up!
(audience laughs)
- Neat headset, Schneider.
- Yeah, they're brand new.
Want to try 'em on?
My ears are clean.
- I'll pass, thanks.
- Look, I'm gonna get
another load out of the dryer.
Barbara, when I come
up perhaps we can discuss
whatever it is that's
bothering you?
- Nothing is bothering me,
so there is nothing to discuss!
Nothing happened and I'm
trying to forget it, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Whatever didn't happen
sure sounds serious.
- Just dumb.
- You want to talk about it?
- No, yes!
I swore on a double slice
of strawberry cheesecake
that I would not tell
Mom, but you're not Mom.
- No, she's shorter.
(audience laughs)
Go ahead, get it off your chest.
You can tell me anything.
- Grandma was
picked up for shoplifting.
- Don't tell me
anything like that!
(audience laughs)
- But the idiots
had to let her go
when she finally convinced
them that she was innocent.
- Well of course she's innocent,
she's the most thoughtful
and generous person I know.
I went over to her
place the other day,
I slapped up a few
shelves, big deal!
She gave me these
beautiful earphones.
- She gave you those?
- Yeah, obviously with
her price is no object.
- Grandma?
I wonder how much
these things cost.
- I don't know there
was no price tag on 'em,
no box, they didn't
come in no box, nothing.
- They didn't come
in any kind of box?
- No no, she just
handed them to me.
- She just
handed them to you?
- Barbara you should be ashamed!
- For what?
- For thinking
what I'm thinking.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, no she wouldn't, no.
Then why was she so
insistent that I don't tell Mom?
- I'm not sure but if it's true,
you're mom's gotta know.
- I can't tell her, I promised!
- Well you certainly
don't expect me to tell her.
- Tell me what?
- Nothing, nothing!
(audience laughs)
- Is that the same nothing
that has Barbara ready
for the Indianapolis
home for the silly?
(audience laughs)
- Schneider.
- Barbara.
- Oh, well now that
you two have met
perhaps you'll tell
me what the hell
is going on around here.
- Schneider, come on tell her.
It could be important.
- All right, Ms. Romano
this is the straight skinny.
Have you seen any
good movies lately?
(audience laughs)
- What?
- Schneider!
- Well the reason I asked
is that the other night,
I went to the drive-in with
Boom Boom Boravsky.
(audience laughs)
We actually watched the movie,
that's a first for Boom Boom.
Let's face it,
they don't call her
Boom Boom 'cause she's loud.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, what
are you getting at?
- Well anyway, it was
this Italian film see?
It's a classic, it was
about this family
and they share
everything see this family
and they all live
together up in a tree.
- What kind of
people live in a tree?
- They're squirrels,
they're Italian squirrels.
(audience laughs)
And see they're
like the Waltons.
There's a mama squirrel
and there's a grandma squirrel,
there's a little John
Boy squirrel and...
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, the important part?
- Yeah well okay
yeah about the nuts.
See now, all these
nice squirrel families
they get together and they
save all the acorns and nuts
that they can to take them
through the winter you know?
And so but they discover
that they have more nuts.
Finally they have more
nuts than they started with.
- I'll be darned.
- And then the climax
of the Italian picture
is when John Boy squirrel
begins to get suspicious
that grandma
squirrel was boosting
the nuts from other squirrels.
- And he doesn't know
if he should tell anybody.
- Right, yeah.
- Ah look I really don't know
what's going on around here.
I mean I am standing here
listening to a lot of gibberish
about this Italian film
classic with squirrels
and this grandma
squirrel who steals nuts...
(audience laughs)
Oh my god.
My mother's at it again.
(applause)
- Wait a second, you mean
Grandma has stolen before?
- A few times.
- Boggles the mind.
Grandma Romano a kleptomaniac.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, what happened?
- Well they caught
her with a blouse
in her purse at Vigman's.
- That's terrible.
Why, why, why why?
- Well she needed
the sky blue blouse
to go with her
turquoise skirt for the...
- Nobody cares about
skirts and blouses.
We're talking here about a
deep, personal human tragedy!
Probably gonna have to give back
these earphones she gave me.
(audience laughs)
- Oh no, the earphones too?
- Yeah we think so.
Mom why didn't you
tell me about this?
I thought we were a
family who shared things.
- I thought we were too.
(audience laughs)
- It hasn't happened
in a long time.
I thought she was over it.
- Why would Grandma steal?
- Oh I don't think
she even knows why.
It's a disease!
She goes along fine for years
and then when something
traumatic happens she slips.
- Oh boy, Grandpa's death
must have really shattered her.
- That could do it.
Remember Bambi?
(audience laughs)
When his mother died
he stopped making films.
(audience laughs)
- My dad tried her to
get her to see a doctor,
but Mom won't even
admit she has a problem
and the doctors all
say that until she admits
she steals, she can't be helped.
- Grandma could go to jail.
- You know I'm amazed that
she hasn't been
caught before this.
She must be pretty good.
(audience laughs)
- See the few times
that it has happened,
Daddy was always
there to take care of her.
I mean people knew
about Mom's problem
so the stores would just add
up what Mom took and bill Dad.
- Pretty convenient.
- Pretty expensive.
Well, I guess Mom and me
are going to have to have a talk
and level with each other.
I'm going to have
to get her to admit
that she has a problem,
and that ain't gonna be easy.
- Well Mom if you can do that,
maybe we can get
her the help she needs.
- Oh I hope so.
Hi Mom!
- Annie!
- Oh you look wonderful.
- Yes I do!
(audience laughs)
For an old bag.
- Stop that, come on in.
- Oh Annie, oh honey you
know it's so good to be here.
Now that you've got
your own business
we barely see each other.
- Oh I know that,
Mom, I'm sorry.
- Oh don't be sorry.
Listen, I'm so proud of
my successful daughter.
Makes all my friends so jealous.
When they start bragging
about their sons-in-law
I tell 'em about my successful,
independent, unmarried daughter.
Still single dear?
- Sit down Mom.
- Well what do you
have planned for us?
- Well I thought
lunch, a little girl talk.
- Good.
- So where do you want to eat?
- Well anywhere,
you choose, I'm easy.
- Okay, Mexican.
- Oh, too spicy.
- French.
- Mm, too garlicky.
- Italian?
- Too fattening.
- Sushi.
- Too squishy.
(audience laughs)
- Okay Mom, where
do you want to eat?
- Anywhere, I'm
easy, you choose.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, there is something
we have to discuss.
- Oh well sure.
Well?
- Well.
- Annie.
Honey is something wrong?
- No, Mom it's
nothing important.
Yeah, Mom it is important I
just don't know where to start.
- I've told you before
honey, if something's
bothering you just
come right out and say it.
- You're right.
- Well mothers are always right.
- Right.
- You've heard that before too.
- By the way, Mom these
earphones that you gave Schneider
they're really,
they're terrific.
- Oh you like those?
You like those?
Listen, next time
I'm at Vigman's
I'll pick you up a
pair for your birthday.
(audience laughs)
- No, Mom don't
pick me up anything.
- No no don't be silly
honey, it'll be my pleasure.
Just take a second,
dash in, grab a pair.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, Mom that's what
I want to discuss with you.
Hey, did you get a
good deal on these?
- A great deal, I just
couldn't pass 'em up.
(audience laughs)
- How much?
- What?
- How much did you pay?
- Oh I don't remember,
what difference does it make?
- Mother.
How much did you pay for these?
- You know, Mexican
food is starting
to sound real good to me.
(audience laughs)
- Mom?
Please admit it.
- What, what what?
- You didn't pay
for these earphones
and you didn't
pay for the blouse.
- Did that stoolie
granddaughter rat on me?
(audience laughs)
Strawberry cheesecake
used to mean something.
- Mom, we're all on your side.
- So Barbara told you about
that little mix-up
with the blouse.
- And Dad told me about
the mix-ups in Logansport.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Mom please, this
is real hard for me.
I know about the other times.
I've always known.
You take things.
- Are you calling
your mother a thief?
- No, Mom, you
don't mean to do it.
Maybe you need help.
- Now you're calling
your mother a fruitcake.
(audience laughs)
- You've been under
a lot of stress lately,
what with Dad dying.
And selling the house
and moving here.
See, in a way it's understandable
that you took these.
Please, Mom just admit it.
- You're right, I did.
- Oh, oh Mom you admit it!
- I forgot to pay.
- Huh?
(audience laughs)
- Well see I just remembered,
you know the store
was so crowded
and I was late for an
appointment and oh, silly me
I just, I forgot to pay!
- All right, that's a start.
We've got to take 'em back.
- Schneider's earphones?
How can you take something
that doesn't belong to you?
(audience laughs)
What do you want me to do?
Just walk up to a clerk
and give 'em back?
- No no, we will go
over to the counter
and casually walk up to it
and then nonchalantly drop
the earphones on the counter...
- And then run like hell.
(audience laughs)
Annie, why do I
feel like a crook
trying to give something back?
- Mom, here.
Take these.
Be natural, just casual.
- Casual.
- Okay?
Casual.
- Honey I can't.
- Yes you can.
- Casual.
- Go ahead.
- Good luck to me.
- Yes.
(audience laughs)
(whistles)
- Was that casual enough?
- Wonderful now
let's run like hell.
- Run like hell.
- Lady, lady!
You forgot something.
- Uh no honey those aren't hers.
- Sure they are, I
saw her drop them.
- Oh my, what a cute
little boy, isn't he cute?
- He is.
- You're a cute little
boy but you're mistaken.
You must have us
mixed up with a couple of
other young, attractive women.
- No way, I saw you
put them on the counter.
They're yours!
- Young person, why
aren't you in school?
- It's Sunday,
there's no school.
- No school, and it's Sunday.
Sunday, buzz off!
(audience laughs)
What do we do now?
- We're just going to
casually go over to this counter
and you do the same
thing, drop it on the counter.
- Casually put them down...
- Is that all for you today?
- Hi.
- No we don't want to buy those.
- Are you sure?
You know they're one
of our most popular items.
They're on sale.
- No, see these
she's my daughter
and she wants to return them.
- Oh well if they don't work
I'll be happy to exchange
them for another pair.
- No no no, never mind.
Thank you so much, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Stop!
(audience laughs)
Where are you going?
- Where are we going?
- [Both] Lunch!
- Mexican food.
- I'm afraid you can't.
- No no, my doctor
lets me eat it now.
(audience laughs)
- No what I mean is
you can't leave yet.
I have to give you a refund.
- No, I don't want one.
- Oh but you have
to have a refund.
- No I don't want one.
- Look Mrs...
- Ms. Romano,
she's single, still.
(audience laughs)
- Ms. Romano, you
see the way it works is
when you buy something
and then you return it,
you either exchange it
for other merchandise
or you get a refund.
I mean those are the
rules, it's like a game.
- It's just like a game.
Go directly to jail,
do not pass Go.
- So if you will give me your
sales receipt, I'll
expedite the matter.
- Sales receipt?
- That's that little
piece of paper
they give you when
you buy something.
- I know that Mom, but
we don't have one do we?
- Oh, I see oh it was a gift.
- No no, not a gift exactly, no.
- Ah you paid cash.
- Cash, who's got
that kind of money?
They must cost over 100 bucks.
- Look, let's work
it this way okay?
Since I don't have
a sales receipt
consider the earphones a gift
from Ann Romano to Vigman's!
- Do you have any idea what that
would do to our bookkeeping?
- I had a feeling you might
say something like that.
- Do you have a
Vigman's credit card?
- Yeah.
- May I see it please?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah it's here.
I have it, this is it why?
- Well, you didn't
pay cash for these.
- Right.
- And they weren't a gift.
- Right.
- So obviously you
must have charged them.
I'm just going to
credit your account.
- Oh, that's not necessary.
- Well listen it only
takes a minute.
First thing I do is I punch
your credit card number
into the computer.
- Mr. Winter, look...
- Then your charges for the
past six months
appear on the scanner.
- Could I have that card back?
I'm not sure I signed my...
- Actually purchased
these earphones
and just aren't returning
stolen merchandise for credit.
(laughing)
- I want my card back.
(audience laughs)
- Ms. Romano.
You know we, yeah well we
seem to have a little problem.
- Tell me about it.
- I don't have any record of you
ever having purchased
these earphones.
- Maybe it's another Ann Romano.
It's a common name.
- Italy is full of them.
(audience laughs)
Besides, that computer's
probably on the fritz.
- Afraid there's nothing
wrong with the computer.
Yes security please.
This is Winter, department 53.
You want to get me someone
up here on the double?
Yeah.
You ladies want
to wait here please?
- Look I didn't take
those earphones.
- Right, the tooth fairy
put 'em under your pillow.
(audience laughs)
- There's no need to get snotty.
- Listen lady, you
know we're getting
plenty sick and tired of being
ripped off by people like you.
I mean you know they're
going to throw the book at you.
- I didn't steal
those earphones.
Do I look like a shoplifter?
- She had nothing to do with
it, I stole those earphones!
- Mom!
You admitted it!
Ah, it's wonderful!
(audience laughs)
- Wonderful?
Lady you know you ought
to be ashamed of yourself,
letting your mother
take the rap for you!
- No you don't understand...
- What do you mean, a nice
sweet old woman like this!
- Oh watch it buster!
- Listen, a mother will do
anything to protect her child.
Even lie about shoplifting!
- She's not lying!
- I'm not lying!
- No.
- I'm a shoplifter.
- She's a shoplifter.
- I don't know why.
I have no idea why I do it.
- No idea why she does it!
- But just every
once in a while Annie,
Annie I just can't
seem to help myself.
- I know Mom.
- I'll let security handle it.
- It's okay, it's okay.
- Oh Annie I'm so sorry
to cause all this trouble.
- I know Mom, it's all
gonna be straightened out.
You've taken the biggest step.
You've admitted that
there is a problem.
Oh Mom, I am so proud of you.
- You are?
- You bet.
- [Narrator] Vigman's
Department Store dropped charges
against Katherine
the Animal Romano.
(audience laughs)
She is currently
undergoing treatment
with an eminent psychologist
who is single,
like her daughter.
(audience laughs)
(applause)
(jazz music)