One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 11 - November Song: Part 2 - full transcript

Schneider is jealous over his new younger girlfriend.

♪ This is it this is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

We'll just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ One day at a time.

- [Narrator] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.

- Schneider is
dating a teenager?

- She can't be much more.

- Maybe she's his
niece or something.

- Well if she is,

Uncle Schneider is
giving her a bubble bath.

(audience laughing)

- I had this feeling of just
wanting to be with somebody,

just you know just for the
sake of being with them.

- Schneider, we've got it all.

Fireworks, laughs,
good times, quiet times.

Do you hae any idea
what that means?

When has that ever
happened to you before?

- Well I don't know,
never I imagine.

- Me neither, and the
best of it is no strings.

- That's right, no strings.

- Would you mind if
I moved in with you?

- Brad!
- Muffin!

- Muffin? (audience laughing)

- Maybe he works for a bakery.

- He can sleep here.

- Yeah well he could except
we only have the one bed.

- Well he can use
the sleeping bag.

- Unfortunately I
lent that to beer belly.

- Well, he must have
returned it, it's in the closet.

- Oh great, are you
sure you don't mind?

- It's terrific.
(audience laughing)

- [Narrator] And now for the
conclusion of November Song.

(door banging)

- Ah ha!

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(knife plunking)
(audience laughing)

- Two, sweetie, will you go
down and get the paper please?

- I'll flip you for it.
- Three.

Oh okay.

(hand slapping) You lose.

(audience laughing)

- I hate it when
we flip. (laughing)

- [Ann] Five, six.

- Schneider?


Come on Schneider, wake up.

- Take your hands off me.

- Barbara, what
are you doing here?

- I live here.

Come on in. (audience laughing)

- Good morning, Schneider,
did you go fishing?

- Yeah I went fishing, I got
my limit by seven o'clock.

- Schneider, it's only 7:30 now.

- And it's a two hour drive.

- Okay, seven from
7:30 allowing for daylight

savings time would still
mean that you crossed

the International Date Line.

- Alright okay, okay,
I didn't go fishing.

Halfway up there I had engine
problems with my camper.

- You, the master mechanic
had engine problems?

- Yes, the cab shaft
froze to the engine block.

(audience laughing)
- How'd you get it home?

- The weather got warmer.

(audience laughing)

What's all the questions about?

- Come on Schneider,
we're friends here.

Remember, something's
wrong, what is it?

- Nothing's wrong.

- Is it Jeannie?

- No, it's not Jeannie, it's
not her, it's not Jeannie.

It's Jeannie, I don't know
what's happening to me,

I don't know what's going on.

- Well, did you have
a fight or something?

- No, no, no fight.

- Are you jealous of Brad?

- I think I'm in
love with Jeannie.

- I knew this was gonna happen.

- Oh me too, I
could have bet on it.

- Yeah, well would you
please call your bookie

and ask him what those two
are doing down there right now?

(audience laughing)

- He's down there?

- Yes, in my apartment, sleeping
in my sleeping bag, I hope.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider come on, calm down.

- How can I calm down
and those two are down there

together and I'm...
- Jealous.

- Alright, I guess it's
your basic garden variety

green eyed jealousy.

I guess open
relationships only work

if the husband
and wife both fish.

(audience laughing)

- Or whatever.

Brad and Jeannie are
just old friends, probably.

- Old friends, huh?

She's seen her man undressed.

I think they have previous
carnal data on each other.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- They've known each
other congregationally.

(audience laughing)

- Whatever, Schneider,
look I don't think the problem

is any past relationship
that Jeannie may have.

- Barbara...
- Mom, now come on.

I think that Schneider
should just at least consider

that maybe you're just
too mature for Jeannie.

- You mean old.

You mean old, I
know what you mean.

Go ahead say it, what
do you mean, old?

- Yes.

- You're a cruel young woman.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider,
Jeannie's generation

is quite a bit
different from yours.

- Right, you're both coming from

two entirely different places.

- That is bologna.

- I'm mature, sophisticated,
handsome, sexy, yes sexy,

older man who's always been
attractive to young women.

- What are you doing?

- I'm gonna call them.

- From here?

(telephone receiver jangling)

- What I'm gonna do, I'm
gonna call them from the lake.

- What?
- What are you?

(audience laughing)

(Ann and Barbara murmuring)

- I gotta do this, I gotta find
out, and you gotta help me.

Do you know how
to imitate a bird?

- I always wanted
to be a thrush.

- Yeah.

- You be a tree.
- A tree?

- Yeah, drop
acorns or something.

- No, wind, I can do wind.

- Okay, and I'll be a bird.

(Ann cooing and
squawking) (Barbara hissing)

- Romano you be the
wind, you be the bird.

(Barbara whistling)
- Hi Jeannie, where's Brad?

Oh brushing his teeth, huh?

Yeah, yeah I know it
is just kinda noisy here

because the phone
is right next to the falls.

(audience laughing)

Where's Brad now?

Oh, still, huh?

Oh yeah, yeah, I already
caught my limit an hour ago.

Yeah, six big beauties, yeah.

Oh that's plenty
for tonight, sure.

- Better put fish
on the shopping list.

- Listen, I'm gonna be
leaving in a little while,

maybe five minutes, Jeannie.

What's he doing now?

He must be brushing
them one at a time.

(siren wailing)

Yeah, yeah, yeah I heard that.

That's the game warden.

Whenever we hear that
we all have to change bait.

(audience laughing)

You heard one, too, eh?

What a coincidence, I guess
you'd better change bait.

(audience laughing)

Oh what, a salad bowl,
gee, I don't know Jeannie.

Do you have a salad bowl?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, they have one, uh huh.

Well, I just happened to
remember, that's all Jeannie yeah.

Listen, I'm gonna be going now.

I should be back home

before Brad gets the cap
on the toothpaste, yeah.

Yeah, it was, it was terrific.

Jeannie, Jeannie, I love you.

Oh good, okay good, bye bye.

You see, I should have
told her that I was calling

from down the road and that way

I can go down there
in a few minutes.

- Would she believe a shortcut?

- She believed the
bird and the wind.

(audience laughing)

- Listen, I didn't plan to
fall in love with this girl.

I didn't plan that
but it's happened.

It's happened, now what
am I supposed to do?

I'm gonna have to
close this relationship.

- What exactly does that mean?

- You're not talking
about marriage, are you?

(knocking at the door)

- Who's that?

- Who is it?
- Jeannie.

- Oh gee, I'm not
here, I'm not here.

- Schneider.

- I'm not here, I'm not here.

- Okay, okay, you're not here.


- Hi, I'm glad I caught you
before you went to work.

- [Ann] Yeah.

- Listen, Schneider caught
the limit so we're having

a little fish dinner and
I'd like you both to come.

- Oh, thank you that's very
nice, can we bring something?

- [Jeannie] Yeah,
hamburgers, fried chicken?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, my business
partner, Nick, he's...

- Oh, bring him
along, it's fine.

Except I need a
large salad bowl.

- Oh, we know.

- We know that
Schneider doesn't have...

- Right.
- A large salad bowl

and we have one
and I'll get it, I'll do it,

now, I'll do it for you.

(audience laughing)

- Come on in.

- Oh that coffee smells good.

I think Schneider learned
how to make coffee

on a cattle drive.

(laughing) (audience laughing)

- I don't suppose you'd
have time for a cup?

- Oh sure, Brad
can dress himself.

(pots and pans clattering)

(audience laughing)

- It's funny, isn't it?

The oven door, the
hinges, they creak,

you never know when
it's gonna happen.

I mean Schneider
should fix that.

- Right.
- We should, yeah.

You sure you want coffee?

My mom made it.

- I'm sure it's fine.

- Okay.

- Well, so did Schneider get off

to the lake without incident?

- He just stabbed
a bar stool and left.

I think he had a little
trouble with Brad being here.

- Well you know, Schneider's
kinda old fashioned,

set in his ways.

(thumping) (audience laughing)

- [Jeannie] I don't think of
him as old fashioned at all.

- Jeannie, as you
probably guessed,

we're very closed to Schneider.

- Yes, we certainly are.

(audience laughing)

- And you're worried
about our relationship?

You're afraid he's
gonna get hurt?

- Hey, hey, hey.

Look, its really between
the two of you, okay?

I really don't think
we should talk about it.

- Right, you know, sometimes
kitchens do have ears.

Here. (audience laughing)

- No I don't mind
talking about it.

I mean it's pretty obvious
there's a difference in our ages

and that's one
of the nice things.

I mean, Schneider
knows who he is.

A lot of the younger
men that I date,

they don't even
know where they're at.

I know where Schneider's at.

- Yeah, so do we.

(audience laughing)

- He's some terrific guy.

He's so much fun
and the magic of it is

that this happened
exactly when I needed it.

- Yeah, Schneider
is a very nice person.

- The last couple of
relationships that I've had

have been a real
emotional tug-of-war.

Schneider thinks
he's taking care of me

and I really love that.

(doorbell chiming)

- Excuse me.
- Oh sure.

- Hi.

- [Ann] Hi Alex, what
are you doing here?

- Helping my dad, he
said he left his pencils

and stuff over here.

- Oh yeah he did,
they're right in the kitchen.

I'll get 'em for you.
- No, it's...

- No, I'll get, Alex,
really, I would prefer.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Miss Romano?
- Yeah.

- Who's it?

- What?

- Can't believe you guys
are playing hide and seek.

(audience laughing)

It's almost embarrassing.

- Goodbye.

Alex goodbye.


Kids, boy you know
out of mouths of babes.

- Listen, don't worry
about Schneider.

I know he's a loner,

he's not interested in
anything permanent.

We're living moment to
moment and we're loving it.

If he ends it tomorrow,
I'm way ahead of the game.

Oh listen, I had no
idea it was so late.

I thank you for the coffee.

- Here's your salad bowl.

- [Jeannie] I have a
million things to do, thanks.

- Okay.

- Listen, I hope you
guys can make it.

- We'll be there.
- Absolutely.

- About seven, okay?

- [Ann] Terrific, uh-huh.

- [Jeannie] Thank you.

- Bye bye.
- Bye bye.

- Did you hear that?

I can't believe that.

I mean, she thinks I'm the one

who doesn't want to get serious.

When she finds out
that I really am interested

in making this
relationship exclusive,

she'll be on me like a
doberman on a burglar.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, do me a favor.

- What?
- Go slow.

- Miss Romano, you get to
be my age, not that I'm old,

I mean you don't go slow,
you know what I mean?

You seize the moment.

- Look, you've known
hundreds of women.

- That's the
understatement of the year.

(audience laughing)

I always thought that a
commitment is buying a girl

a second cup of coffee
but now with Jeannie,

just the thought of
being without her,

without her makes
me feel lonely,

makes me feel lonesome.

- You're sure?

- I assure you I'm sure.

(audience applauding)

- Hey we bad, we bad. (laughing)

- Hey come you guys,
let's do some more dancing.

I'm gonna spin another platter.

- What?

- Used to mean
a record, a platter.

(audience laughing)

- What is it with
you three guys?

You're starting to look
like the old folks here.

- Schneider, we
give up, you win.

- Alright, why
don't I pass around

a little more of the grape?

Do I keep up or do I keep up?

- You bet you do.

- Another 15
seconds my lower legs

would have gone
into terminal spasms.

(audience laughing)

I hope everyone has
noticed that my lady and I

have spared no expense
when it comes to our friends.

I mean, we're not talking
screw top jobs here,

we're talking cork top.

- Yeah, I noticed Schneider
half of the cork is in my glass.

(laughing) (audience laughing)

- Well I would like
to propose a toast.

To the man with the
dancing feet, here here.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I thank you and
my feet thank you

but if anybody's gonna
perform a toast, it's gonna be me.

So I'd like you all
to raise your glasses

to the woman I
thought I'd never find.

- Nicely done Schneider.
- Aw.

- To the rose in the
garden of my life.

(audience laughing)

The rainbow at
the end of my path.

The butterfly in my
net, lovely Jeannie,

may you flutter forever.

Well come on let's drink,
what are you waiting for?

- My elbow's locked.

(audience laughing)

(clinking) (laughing)

- Schneider, that
was just beautiful.

- So are you.

You can fry my fish anytime.

- You know Jeannie,
that fish was really perfect.

- Well don't thank
me, thank Schneider.

He was up this morning at 3:30,

drove all the way
to Lake Monroe.

- Uh-huh, caught
his limit by six.

- Let me tell you, there's
nothing like fresh bass.

- Yeah, the trout was good, too.

- Trout?
- Trout?

- Schneider, you
said those were bass.

- What I said Jeannie,

what I said was that
I used a bass lure.

Tell me you bought trout?

- They were on sale.

(audience laughing)

- So, you're really
into fishing, huh?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

Listen, my middle
name is outdoors.

That's why I envy you
going up to Montana

with all them bighorn sheep.

I mean, gosh they're
a hunter's dream.

- Schneider, they're
an endangered species.

- A camera hunter's dream.

- Well Schneider, I didn't
know you were into photography.

- Oh yeah, it's a snap.

(audience laughing)

- So Brad, are you
gonna go up there alone?

- Oh yeah.

- Sounds kinda dangerous to me.

- Well it is, a little.

- Oh that's one of the
fascinations of animal photography.

I'm a little jealous.

- So, why don't you come along?

- I accept,
Schneider and I'll go.

- Wait, wait a minute.

- Oh come on, Schneider,
you love the outdoors.

- Yeah, but it seems
sort of strenuous

and it must be terribly cold.

- About 20 below.

- Yeah well, I'm not
afraid of the cold,

you know what I
mean, hot blood I got.

But it's the length of time,

I mean how long you gonna
be there, a couple, three days?

- Six weeks.

- We can take your camper.

You said there's a base camp.

- Jeannie, I can't leave
the building for that long.

- Yeah look there
are at least 80

other people in this building.

We all depend on Schneider.

- Even when I go fishing,
I don't stay away long.

- Tell me.

(audience laughing)

- Sounds like you can
never get away, Schneider.

Is that the way it is?

- No, no Jeannie
that's not the way it is.

The thing is I gotta
plan for it, that's all.

I mean, I just can't
pack up and take off

like some footloose kid.

So Brad, I guess
this time Jeannie

and I are gonna
have to take a pass.

- Schneider, what
if I want to go?

- What?

- What if I want to go?

- Hey look everybody, why
don't we go up to our place?

My mother's made a
special surprise dessert.

- I did?
- Uh-huh.

- I did, so let's all go
upstairs and be surprised.

Especially me.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'm stuffed, I
couldn't eat a thing.

- Oh that's perfect,
you'll love it.

(audience laughing)

Brad, why don't you join us?

I'm sure it will be wonderful,

whatever it turns out to be.

- Jeannie, what did you
mean you might want to go?

What do you mean alone?

We do things together
like a team, like a twosome.

- Like a couple Schneider,
a married couple?

- I love you.

- I love you too, Schneider.

- Then for crying out
loud, how could you say

that you might go if I couldn't?

- Because I might.

- Yeah but if I can't you can't.

Schneider how long have
we known each other a month?

- Five weeks.

- Five terrific weeks.

- I've never had an
experience like this before.

I don't think I've
ever been happier.

- So why, why...

- We're still the same people
that we were five weeks ago.

Nobody's had to change
for the other person.

We didn't want that, we talked
about that you remember?

- I did.

- You did what?
- I changed.

Boy did I ever change.

I want to marry you.

(exhaling deeply)

God I didn't see that
coming, what happened?

- What happened, you know,

a fella gets to be my age,
he takes a long look at his life

and to be honest I saw
you and Brad together and...

- Schneider that
is not important.

What is important is you
and me and who we are.

Schneider if I go
with Brad it'll be

because I have to be free

to decide to go if I want
to go do you understand?

- No I don't understand that.

- I understand that
we love each other

and if we love each other.

- Schneider if i want
to go and I don't go

that means that
my feelings for you

are stronger than
my feelings for myself.

And the longer I stay with you

the more likely
that is to happen.

- You think that's wrong?

Think there's something
wrong with that?

- No, no it's not wrong.

But it is for me, it is for now.

Oh Schneider I
really do love you.

But marriage isn't the
answer for me not just now.

- Let's go upstairs
and get some dessert.

- Why don't we stay down here?

- Jeannie that's not
the answer either.

- I'm sorry Schneider.

- So am I.

(audience clapping)

(upbeat music)