One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 6 - Between Mother and Daughter - full transcript
Resentments surface between Ann and her mother.
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ Well this is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ You'll just
take it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Ba da da da
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Ba da da da
♪ One day at a time
(laughter)
- I'm sorry, I
really feel silly.
I can't do this.
- Okay, you're just
being self-conscious.
Now that's natural.
Now try and think of
something that makes you mad.
- The trouble is doctor, I
really don't get very mad.
- Oh what about
the time Cliff broke
a date with you to go to
Chicago with Gloria Murphy?
- Okay so I was a little mad.
- Uh huh, and he
borrowed your suitcase.
- Okay a lot mad.
- Gloria Murphy sent
you a thank you note.
- Okay I was furious, furious!
Okay I was furious!
- What did you
want to do to him?
- I wanted to punch him.
- What else?
- I wanted to
throw things at him.
- Do it.
- Huh?
- Do it, that's him by the door!
- Well I don't see him...
- No, right there!
- There's nobody there.
- Show him how you feel.
Tell him you hate him.
- I hate you.
(laughter)
- Louder!
- I hate you!
- Throw the pillow at him!
- I hate you!
- [Doctor] Attagirl!
- [Julie] Good, one more!
- I hate you!
- [Doctor] That's it!
- Good good, one more!
- I hate your guts, you took
Gloria Murphy to Chicago!
I hate you!
(laughter)
- I didn't even know you
knew about it, I'm so...
Gloria Murphy?!
I don't know Gloria Murphy!
- Schneider I'm sorry, I
thought you were Cliff.
- You thought I was Cliff?!
Cliff is 20 and good looking,
I'm 40 and good looking.
42 and good looking.
43, 43 and good looking!
- I'm afraid this
is all my fault.
- Oh, Schneider this is
my boss Dr. Grayson.
He's a psychiatrist
at the free clinic.
- Oh a psychiatrist.
Yeah, well it's my pleasure.
Oh I don't mean
it's my pleasure.
That's kind of
like an ego thing.
You know my (gibberish).
What I mean is it's
a pleasure I think.
When I say I think
I don't mean to be indecisive.
I love my mother!
I love that woman!
- I do to.
My mother.
Put her there.
- Oh yeah, I'd be
all shook if I shrank
from shaking a shrink!
- Schneider, Dr. Grayson
is here to show Barbara
how to work with psycho drama.
- Oh psycho drama.
That's where you
scream like a chicken
laying a square egg.
- That's primal scream.
- Oh primal scream,
primal scream.
Yeah I love the book.
I read it.
- Doctor, why is
it so hard for me
to let go like that?
- You probably have a
self-controlled mother.
- I don't care who's car is it,
don't you ever put
your foot on the brake
while I am driving!
- I thought I saw a garage sale!
I couldn't help it!
- I don't care what you saw!
- [Ann] I almost
had a head on, hi!
- Doctor, I'd like you to meet
my self-controlled mother.
- Mom, this is Dr. Grayson.
He's a psychiatrist
at the free clinic.
- Hello Dr. Grayson, this
is my mother Mrs. Romano.
Sorry about that entrance.
- Well Dr. Grayson
and I are going to
go to the community center.
He's giving a lecture
on schizophrenia.
- Oh is he for it or against it?
- I'm delighted to meet you.
Julie really thinks
you're terrific.
And you don't
hear many kids talk
about their parents
that way anymore.
- Thanks.
- I'll be out in a minute okay,
why don't you just have a seat.
Barbara you wanna
go to the lecture?
- No, I really can't, I
got tons of homework.
What about Max?
- Oh he's working
a flight to Miami.
- Oh yeah you told me.
Ma, why don't I start the salad?
- [Ann] Oh that'd
be terrific thank you.
- Julie's husband is out of town
and you're letting her
go out with another man?
A psychiatrist.
- Mom...
- I hear they hypnotize people.
(laughter)
- You know doc, you're right.
There's a complete
lack of respect today
for parental authority.
I mean my old man and me,
we had a beautiful relationship.
Gosh, I remember summer
nights back in Secaucus.
We'd be sitting out on the porch
you know, sipping a beer.
We'd be talking about
hops and bali and gausto
and how many times you're
supposed to go around.
(laughter)
He'd teach me how to live
the good, clean, honest life.
Then he'd pass out.
(laughter)
I'd pull his little blue
cap down over his eyes
so the sunrise
wouldn't blind him.
- Now that's communication.
- Well that's one thing
about us Romano's,
we never had a problem
communicating with each other.
Well you know my daughter
and I are just like sisters.
People even say we
look like sisters don't we?
- Yeah.
Doctor, we're
having dinner soon,
would you like to join us?
- Well, actually yes.
- Okay, terrific.
- Maybe you oughta
call home and check first.
- Oh no, I don't
have to do that.
- You don't?
Well, you're in
for a real treat.
My daughter has a way
with linguine and clam sauce
that you just wouldn't believe.
As her former husband said,
who incidentally is
begging to come back to her
but of course she
wouldn't consider it...
- Mom.
- Doctor you've gotta forgive
the way this apartment looks.
You know Ann is
a career woman too
which of course makes her
no financial burden whatsoever.
- Mother.
Knock it off.
Would you listen to that woman,
would you just listen to her?
- Oh man come on, she's
only here for the weekend,
why don't you just try
to make the best of it.
Be a diplomat.
- The best of it, be a diplomat.
I have been doing
that my entire life.
- Annie dear, where are
those baby pictures of you.
I wanna show them...
You're putting garlic
into the clam sauce?
- Yeah!
- Oh you don't wanna
do that sweetheart.
- Oh yes I do.
- No you don't.
Not with an eligible
doctor in the house.
- Mom, I like garlic
in my clam sauce.
The more garlic, the better.
And if people don't like it.
- Doctor wait until you
taste Ann's new recipe.
Extreme garlic linguine.
Knock it off.
Well.
You must eat out
a lot being single.
- I'm married.
- Married.
Happily married?
- For god's sake mother.
- Well a lot of them aren't.
Oh well, come on Barbara.
I wanna show you what
I bought for you honey.
You know, I just
love to give gifts.
It gives me so much pleasure.
That way it never
bothers me when
people forget my birthday.
- Oh my god.
Mother it was your
birthday two weeks ago.
- See, she didn't forget.
- Oh mom I'm sorry I had it
circled on the calendar.
- It's alright honey.
- I mean I really feel
stupid - It's alright dear.
- About this.
- It's okay.
- [Mother] It's alright.
I know you have important
things on your mind.
Barbara come on.
Julie look at the darling
present I bought for you!
- My dear mother spreads
guilt like peanut butter.
Doctor... - Call me Bill.
- Bill, alright.
I need some advice.
- Call me doctor.
(laughter)
- I think that Bill is cheaper.
- Much.
- I guess I'm just
another one of those
mixed up kids.
At least when it
comes to my mother.
- Yes, I noticed.
- I find myself handling her,
humoring her, tolerating her.
24 hours together and
I'm climbing the walls.
- Why do you think that is?
- I don't know.
I guess deep down
I have this
hostility towards her
and I wanna suppress it
'cause I don't wanna hurt her.
- Hostility, suppression.
How about damn she makes me mad?
- That too.
- Well,
you could try analysis.
Of course that could take years
and cost thousands of dollars.
Or, you could
spring for 20 bucks,
you take her to lunch,
and tell her how you feel.
Your true feelings.
- You know, I can do
that with my daughters.
I can even do that
with my ex-husband.
But really talk things
over with my mother?
Ooh no, the sky would fall.
- This stuff goes
into the trash.
- Mom what are you doing?
- I'm cleaning out your closets.
- Mom, how about
having lunch tomorrow?
- Me?
Oh!
(applause)
- [Ann] Hello, Romano for two.
Thank you.
- Oh Annie, this is so
nice, just the two of us.
But isn't this place expensive?
- Don't worry about it mom.
- Thank you, here's my coat.
- Thank you.
Mother, we are
going to have a nice,
relaxing lunch, and
kind of let our hair down.
- Oh good.
- Mother and daughter,
whoop de doo!
- I told you we should have sat
down next to the old
guy with the young chick.
- We wish to you a
good afternoon ladies.
Welcome to the Cafe Croshan,
I am your waiter Marcel.
(laughter)
Here are your menus.
I will return in a moment
to take your order.
- When they tell you their name
they're looking for a big tip.
Don't give it to him,
we did not ask him
to tell us his name.
- Let me take care
of it, okay mom?
- You always tip
too much you know.
- Mom, when I do leave the
tip would you do me a favor?
- [Mom] What?
- Don't dart back
and pick it up.
- I be returned.
Have you decided?
- What's good today?
- I would not know, I am
not speaking to the Chef.
(laughter)
- Well, mom I'm sure the
Quiche Lorraine is very good.
- Quiche Lorraine for 7.95?!
Do we get to keep the plate?
- Madame is witty today.
(laughter)
- I will have the onion soup
and the salad with
the house dressing.
- Oh honey, order the pea
soup, you hate onion soup.
- No I love onion soup.
- She'll have pea soup.
- Onion soup.
- Pea soup and I will have,
oh, I'll have the
shrimp cocktail.
How many shrimp do I get?
- Six.
- Six shrimp for 5.95?
That's almost a buck a shrimp.
- It was a long swim.
(applause)
- Well you're paying for it.
She forgot my birthday.
- The daughter's
springing for the check.
- My daughter
did that just before
they tried to put me in a home.
(laughter)
- So.
Here we are.
- Yes.
- Mom.
- Yes dear.
- Mom.
- What?
- Why don't we have some wine?
- At 12:30 in the afternoon?
Come on honey, I'd get bonged!
- Mom, do you think
it's at all possible
that two people can be
really close to one another
and yet not really
know each other?
- I certainly do.
I had no idea you
drank at lunch.
- Mom, I have got a
few little tiny, teeny,
small, things on my mind
that have been bothering me
and I thought that
today might be a really
good time to discuss
them with you.
- Fine.
- Good.
Mom do you remember
last night you said
that we Romano's really
know how to communicate?
- Oh we do.
- We don't.
- Oh, here I thought
you and Julie
were getting along so well.
- No it's not Julie.
- Barbara?
Well then of course, what
can you expect you know.
Her first year at college,
she thinks she knows it all.
- Mom, it's us.
It's you and me.
We're not communicating.
- Alright, order the onion soup.
But don't blame me
if it repeats on you.
- The daughter dies
her hair you know.
- The shrimp cocktail
with the six shrimp.
The house salad
and the pea soup.
- I ordered onion soup.
- She ordered pea soup.
- I'm paying the check.
- That is your problem.
- Believe me I know.
- What do you know?
- Nothing Mom, we'll talk
about it some other time.
- Talk about what?
Ann you are acting very strange.
- Okay, mom can we just pretend
that I'm a mature adult woman
who would like to have a
serious conversation with you?
- Well of course darling.
- Oh thank you.
- Eat your soup,
it's getting cold.
- Mom, you treat me like
an infant and I resent it.
- Resent it?
- [Ann] Yeah.
- Resent it?
Well.
Well isn't that nice.
How lovely to be taken to
lunch by your own daughter
and told that she
hates your guts!
- No mom, I did not.
I never said I hate your guts.
- You said resented now
what does that mean?
- Mom.
- It means she hates her guts.
- Everything is bon appetit?
- Where is my wine?
- Madame did not order wine.
- Well madame is
ordering wine now.
- But of course.
May I suggest the
67 (speaks French)?
- Does it have a stick shift?
Alright, okay.
Madame would like a glass
of American white silvoo play.
- But of course.
- Mother, could we
keep this conversation
at a reasonable rational
quiet level?
- Of course darling, of course.
What other rotten things
have you got to say to me?
- Here you go mom, you're
putting me on the defense.
If you're making me feel guilty
and I will not have it mom,
I will not have it!
For the first time
in both of our lives
you are going to hear the truth.
- Ann, if you say one more word
I'm going to walk
right out that door!
- Oh but mom it's
important to me that I tell...
- One more word.
- She's a tough old bird.
(laughter)
- Don't worry, you
won't be bothered
with me much longer.
I'm not getting any
younger you know.
- Voila!
Oh, another glass,
but of course.
- Oh I know what it is.
You're still angry about
the World's Fair aren't you?
- What?
- The World's Fair.
When you were
a little girl I took
you to the Toledo
Fair and I told you
it was the World's Fair.
But the World's
Fair was in Brussels
and we didn't have
enough money to go.
Oh I knew you'd find out.
- Believe me mom,
this has nothing to
do with the World's Fair.
- Well then what is it?
- Nothing mom, let's
just enjoy our lunch huh?
- Ann would you
please stop whining
and tell me what's on your mind?
- We'll talk about
it some other time.
- Talk about what?
- Wine for madame.
- One glass is plenty.
- Maybe perhaps you would like
mt to bring two straws?
- Garcon is witty today.
- Mom, in that sweet helpful
way of yours you have
been invalidating me
ever since I remember.
- I have been invalid...
- Yes you have.
- What have I done?
- What did I say?!
- I remember once I
asked you if I was pretty.
And you said that
I was interesting.
And do you think a
chubby 13 year old girl
with braces wants to
be told she's interesting?
- Well should I
have lied to you?
- Yes!
- Oh Annie.
- There was another time
I was still in high school
and I wanted to
go on to college.
Do you remember
what you said to me?
- What?
- You said "Get a job,
maybe you'll get lucky
"and marry the boss."
- Well it happened
to Rosalind Russell
in that movie with
Melvyn Douglas.
- But she got Melvyn
Douglas and I got Ed Cooper.
Oh mom what
difference does it make
I would have married
the mailman if he
would of asked me first.
I was so damn
insecure I never thought
anybody would ever
wanna marry me.
- I can't believe this!
Ann, you were a catch.
You were a prize.
Oh honey you're special.
- Mom.
Why didn't you ever
tell me that then?
- Well I thought you knew.
- How could I know?
You never said anything
that made me believe
that I could do anything.
You always smothered
me with protectiveness.
- But this is ancient history,
why are we bringing it up now?
- Mom it happens still today!
You walk into my house and
bam I'm six years old again!
You rearrange my living room,
you tell me how to cook,
when I tell my kids to
do something you say,
"Wouldn't it be better if."
Mom don't you understand,
you keep sending
me signals that say
I don't know how to do anything.
- I knew it.
This is the big kiss
off lunch isn't it?
(laughter)
You'd do anything not
to have to see me again.
You only call me once a month
and that's if I'm lucky!
- Why that's disgusting!
- If I'm lucky I
won't last too long
and I won't have to sit there
and rot waiting for
that telephone to ring!
- Thrown out like an
old bubble gum card.
- You didn't hear a
word I said did you?
- Oh I've heard you,
oh believe me I heard
everything you said.
You blame me for everything
except your diaper rash!
Is it my fault that
you and your husband
stopped sleeping together?!
- Mom, would you!
(laughter)
- Stop clicking your
teeth, I can't hear.
- I hope you're satisfied
embarrassing me like this.
- Me embarrassing you?
Check please!
Check!
- Just a minute young
lady, before you go
running off feeling
so sorry for yourself
I have a few
words to say to you.
- Could you keep it down mom?
- Will you listen to
me just listen to me.
- Yes.
- You know you are very
lucky to have an opportunity
to sit me down and tell me all
these things that
are bothering you.
Believe me, I can assure you,
my mother never did this for me.
She never had time for me.
There was so many kids
I just got lost in the crowd!
- You could never
get lost in the crowd.
Oh mom, grandma
always said you were worth
all the six kids put together.
- Well, if she said that
it was because I
helped her a lot.
I mean that was the one way
I had a chance to talk to her.
I helped her.
I just liked to help.
Helping makes me feel good.
Makes me feel useful.
Makes me feel...
- Needed.
- Okay, needed.
What's wrong with that?
- Nothing.
- When you're needed,
people want you around.
Annie I was never so
happy in my whole life
as when you were little.
I knew then that you
really needed me.
- I need you to love,
to talk with, to have fun with.
I'll always need you.
- Really?
- Really.
- Oh I love you Annie.
- And I love you mom.
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday to you
There must be some mistake.
♪ Happy birthday -
No there's no mistake.
♪ Dear mother I thought
you were taking me
♪ Happy birthday to
lunch for my birthday.
♪ To you And I knew you'd
Forget the cake so
I ordered it myself.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Make a wish.
- Thank you.
Thank you all so much!
Thank you.
- Oh, what's this?
- Happy birthday.
- You did remember!
- Finally.
- Oh I'm so nervous I can't.
You wrapped it well.
Oh Annie it's gorgeous.
Oh look at that,
isn't it gorgeous?
- Here mom, let
me pin it on for you.
- Oh you know, I haven't cried
so much in one day since
I was on my honeymoon.
(laughter)
Annie, Annie I'm so
glad we had this talk.
I feel so much closer don't you?
- Yes mom.
- Oh Annie, I've
gotta take a look at it.
Oh it's gorgeous.
But honey don't
you think it might
look a little better over here?
- No...
- Oh that looks beautiful.
Doesn't it look good?
- Yes mom, that's just fine.
- Oh thank you Annie.
Oh thank you.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Wear it in good health.
- Thank you.
(laughter)
(applause)
(upbeat music)
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ Well this is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ You'll just
take it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Ba da da da
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Ba da da da
♪ One day at a time
(laughter)
- I'm sorry, I
really feel silly.
I can't do this.
- Okay, you're just
being self-conscious.
Now that's natural.
Now try and think of
something that makes you mad.
- The trouble is doctor, I
really don't get very mad.
- Oh what about
the time Cliff broke
a date with you to go to
Chicago with Gloria Murphy?
- Okay so I was a little mad.
- Uh huh, and he
borrowed your suitcase.
- Okay a lot mad.
- Gloria Murphy sent
you a thank you note.
- Okay I was furious, furious!
Okay I was furious!
- What did you
want to do to him?
- I wanted to punch him.
- What else?
- I wanted to
throw things at him.
- Do it.
- Huh?
- Do it, that's him by the door!
- Well I don't see him...
- No, right there!
- There's nobody there.
- Show him how you feel.
Tell him you hate him.
- I hate you.
(laughter)
- Louder!
- I hate you!
- Throw the pillow at him!
- I hate you!
- [Doctor] Attagirl!
- [Julie] Good, one more!
- I hate you!
- [Doctor] That's it!
- Good good, one more!
- I hate your guts, you took
Gloria Murphy to Chicago!
I hate you!
(laughter)
- I didn't even know you
knew about it, I'm so...
Gloria Murphy?!
I don't know Gloria Murphy!
- Schneider I'm sorry, I
thought you were Cliff.
- You thought I was Cliff?!
Cliff is 20 and good looking,
I'm 40 and good looking.
42 and good looking.
43, 43 and good looking!
- I'm afraid this
is all my fault.
- Oh, Schneider this is
my boss Dr. Grayson.
He's a psychiatrist
at the free clinic.
- Oh a psychiatrist.
Yeah, well it's my pleasure.
Oh I don't mean
it's my pleasure.
That's kind of
like an ego thing.
You know my (gibberish).
What I mean is it's
a pleasure I think.
When I say I think
I don't mean to be indecisive.
I love my mother!
I love that woman!
- I do to.
My mother.
Put her there.
- Oh yeah, I'd be
all shook if I shrank
from shaking a shrink!
- Schneider, Dr. Grayson
is here to show Barbara
how to work with psycho drama.
- Oh psycho drama.
That's where you
scream like a chicken
laying a square egg.
- That's primal scream.
- Oh primal scream,
primal scream.
Yeah I love the book.
I read it.
- Doctor, why is
it so hard for me
to let go like that?
- You probably have a
self-controlled mother.
- I don't care who's car is it,
don't you ever put
your foot on the brake
while I am driving!
- I thought I saw a garage sale!
I couldn't help it!
- I don't care what you saw!
- [Ann] I almost
had a head on, hi!
- Doctor, I'd like you to meet
my self-controlled mother.
- Mom, this is Dr. Grayson.
He's a psychiatrist
at the free clinic.
- Hello Dr. Grayson, this
is my mother Mrs. Romano.
Sorry about that entrance.
- Well Dr. Grayson
and I are going to
go to the community center.
He's giving a lecture
on schizophrenia.
- Oh is he for it or against it?
- I'm delighted to meet you.
Julie really thinks
you're terrific.
And you don't
hear many kids talk
about their parents
that way anymore.
- Thanks.
- I'll be out in a minute okay,
why don't you just have a seat.
Barbara you wanna
go to the lecture?
- No, I really can't, I
got tons of homework.
What about Max?
- Oh he's working
a flight to Miami.
- Oh yeah you told me.
Ma, why don't I start the salad?
- [Ann] Oh that'd
be terrific thank you.
- Julie's husband is out of town
and you're letting her
go out with another man?
A psychiatrist.
- Mom...
- I hear they hypnotize people.
(laughter)
- You know doc, you're right.
There's a complete
lack of respect today
for parental authority.
I mean my old man and me,
we had a beautiful relationship.
Gosh, I remember summer
nights back in Secaucus.
We'd be sitting out on the porch
you know, sipping a beer.
We'd be talking about
hops and bali and gausto
and how many times you're
supposed to go around.
(laughter)
He'd teach me how to live
the good, clean, honest life.
Then he'd pass out.
(laughter)
I'd pull his little blue
cap down over his eyes
so the sunrise
wouldn't blind him.
- Now that's communication.
- Well that's one thing
about us Romano's,
we never had a problem
communicating with each other.
Well you know my daughter
and I are just like sisters.
People even say we
look like sisters don't we?
- Yeah.
Doctor, we're
having dinner soon,
would you like to join us?
- Well, actually yes.
- Okay, terrific.
- Maybe you oughta
call home and check first.
- Oh no, I don't
have to do that.
- You don't?
Well, you're in
for a real treat.
My daughter has a way
with linguine and clam sauce
that you just wouldn't believe.
As her former husband said,
who incidentally is
begging to come back to her
but of course she
wouldn't consider it...
- Mom.
- Doctor you've gotta forgive
the way this apartment looks.
You know Ann is
a career woman too
which of course makes her
no financial burden whatsoever.
- Mother.
Knock it off.
Would you listen to that woman,
would you just listen to her?
- Oh man come on, she's
only here for the weekend,
why don't you just try
to make the best of it.
Be a diplomat.
- The best of it, be a diplomat.
I have been doing
that my entire life.
- Annie dear, where are
those baby pictures of you.
I wanna show them...
You're putting garlic
into the clam sauce?
- Yeah!
- Oh you don't wanna
do that sweetheart.
- Oh yes I do.
- No you don't.
Not with an eligible
doctor in the house.
- Mom, I like garlic
in my clam sauce.
The more garlic, the better.
And if people don't like it.
- Doctor wait until you
taste Ann's new recipe.
Extreme garlic linguine.
Knock it off.
Well.
You must eat out
a lot being single.
- I'm married.
- Married.
Happily married?
- For god's sake mother.
- Well a lot of them aren't.
Oh well, come on Barbara.
I wanna show you what
I bought for you honey.
You know, I just
love to give gifts.
It gives me so much pleasure.
That way it never
bothers me when
people forget my birthday.
- Oh my god.
Mother it was your
birthday two weeks ago.
- See, she didn't forget.
- Oh mom I'm sorry I had it
circled on the calendar.
- It's alright honey.
- I mean I really feel
stupid - It's alright dear.
- About this.
- It's okay.
- [Mother] It's alright.
I know you have important
things on your mind.
Barbara come on.
Julie look at the darling
present I bought for you!
- My dear mother spreads
guilt like peanut butter.
Doctor... - Call me Bill.
- Bill, alright.
I need some advice.
- Call me doctor.
(laughter)
- I think that Bill is cheaper.
- Much.
- I guess I'm just
another one of those
mixed up kids.
At least when it
comes to my mother.
- Yes, I noticed.
- I find myself handling her,
humoring her, tolerating her.
24 hours together and
I'm climbing the walls.
- Why do you think that is?
- I don't know.
I guess deep down
I have this
hostility towards her
and I wanna suppress it
'cause I don't wanna hurt her.
- Hostility, suppression.
How about damn she makes me mad?
- That too.
- Well,
you could try analysis.
Of course that could take years
and cost thousands of dollars.
Or, you could
spring for 20 bucks,
you take her to lunch,
and tell her how you feel.
Your true feelings.
- You know, I can do
that with my daughters.
I can even do that
with my ex-husband.
But really talk things
over with my mother?
Ooh no, the sky would fall.
- This stuff goes
into the trash.
- Mom what are you doing?
- I'm cleaning out your closets.
- Mom, how about
having lunch tomorrow?
- Me?
Oh!
(applause)
- [Ann] Hello, Romano for two.
Thank you.
- Oh Annie, this is so
nice, just the two of us.
But isn't this place expensive?
- Don't worry about it mom.
- Thank you, here's my coat.
- Thank you.
Mother, we are
going to have a nice,
relaxing lunch, and
kind of let our hair down.
- Oh good.
- Mother and daughter,
whoop de doo!
- I told you we should have sat
down next to the old
guy with the young chick.
- We wish to you a
good afternoon ladies.
Welcome to the Cafe Croshan,
I am your waiter Marcel.
(laughter)
Here are your menus.
I will return in a moment
to take your order.
- When they tell you their name
they're looking for a big tip.
Don't give it to him,
we did not ask him
to tell us his name.
- Let me take care
of it, okay mom?
- You always tip
too much you know.
- Mom, when I do leave the
tip would you do me a favor?
- [Mom] What?
- Don't dart back
and pick it up.
- I be returned.
Have you decided?
- What's good today?
- I would not know, I am
not speaking to the Chef.
(laughter)
- Well, mom I'm sure the
Quiche Lorraine is very good.
- Quiche Lorraine for 7.95?!
Do we get to keep the plate?
- Madame is witty today.
(laughter)
- I will have the onion soup
and the salad with
the house dressing.
- Oh honey, order the pea
soup, you hate onion soup.
- No I love onion soup.
- She'll have pea soup.
- Onion soup.
- Pea soup and I will have,
oh, I'll have the
shrimp cocktail.
How many shrimp do I get?
- Six.
- Six shrimp for 5.95?
That's almost a buck a shrimp.
- It was a long swim.
(applause)
- Well you're paying for it.
She forgot my birthday.
- The daughter's
springing for the check.
- My daughter
did that just before
they tried to put me in a home.
(laughter)
- So.
Here we are.
- Yes.
- Mom.
- Yes dear.
- Mom.
- What?
- Why don't we have some wine?
- At 12:30 in the afternoon?
Come on honey, I'd get bonged!
- Mom, do you think
it's at all possible
that two people can be
really close to one another
and yet not really
know each other?
- I certainly do.
I had no idea you
drank at lunch.
- Mom, I have got a
few little tiny, teeny,
small, things on my mind
that have been bothering me
and I thought that
today might be a really
good time to discuss
them with you.
- Fine.
- Good.
Mom do you remember
last night you said
that we Romano's really
know how to communicate?
- Oh we do.
- We don't.
- Oh, here I thought
you and Julie
were getting along so well.
- No it's not Julie.
- Barbara?
Well then of course, what
can you expect you know.
Her first year at college,
she thinks she knows it all.
- Mom, it's us.
It's you and me.
We're not communicating.
- Alright, order the onion soup.
But don't blame me
if it repeats on you.
- The daughter dies
her hair you know.
- The shrimp cocktail
with the six shrimp.
The house salad
and the pea soup.
- I ordered onion soup.
- She ordered pea soup.
- I'm paying the check.
- That is your problem.
- Believe me I know.
- What do you know?
- Nothing Mom, we'll talk
about it some other time.
- Talk about what?
Ann you are acting very strange.
- Okay, mom can we just pretend
that I'm a mature adult woman
who would like to have a
serious conversation with you?
- Well of course darling.
- Oh thank you.
- Eat your soup,
it's getting cold.
- Mom, you treat me like
an infant and I resent it.
- Resent it?
- [Ann] Yeah.
- Resent it?
Well.
Well isn't that nice.
How lovely to be taken to
lunch by your own daughter
and told that she
hates your guts!
- No mom, I did not.
I never said I hate your guts.
- You said resented now
what does that mean?
- Mom.
- It means she hates her guts.
- Everything is bon appetit?
- Where is my wine?
- Madame did not order wine.
- Well madame is
ordering wine now.
- But of course.
May I suggest the
67 (speaks French)?
- Does it have a stick shift?
Alright, okay.
Madame would like a glass
of American white silvoo play.
- But of course.
- Mother, could we
keep this conversation
at a reasonable rational
quiet level?
- Of course darling, of course.
What other rotten things
have you got to say to me?
- Here you go mom, you're
putting me on the defense.
If you're making me feel guilty
and I will not have it mom,
I will not have it!
For the first time
in both of our lives
you are going to hear the truth.
- Ann, if you say one more word
I'm going to walk
right out that door!
- Oh but mom it's
important to me that I tell...
- One more word.
- She's a tough old bird.
(laughter)
- Don't worry, you
won't be bothered
with me much longer.
I'm not getting any
younger you know.
- Voila!
Oh, another glass,
but of course.
- Oh I know what it is.
You're still angry about
the World's Fair aren't you?
- What?
- The World's Fair.
When you were
a little girl I took
you to the Toledo
Fair and I told you
it was the World's Fair.
But the World's
Fair was in Brussels
and we didn't have
enough money to go.
Oh I knew you'd find out.
- Believe me mom,
this has nothing to
do with the World's Fair.
- Well then what is it?
- Nothing mom, let's
just enjoy our lunch huh?
- Ann would you
please stop whining
and tell me what's on your mind?
- We'll talk about
it some other time.
- Talk about what?
- Wine for madame.
- One glass is plenty.
- Maybe perhaps you would like
mt to bring two straws?
- Garcon is witty today.
- Mom, in that sweet helpful
way of yours you have
been invalidating me
ever since I remember.
- I have been invalid...
- Yes you have.
- What have I done?
- What did I say?!
- I remember once I
asked you if I was pretty.
And you said that
I was interesting.
And do you think a
chubby 13 year old girl
with braces wants to
be told she's interesting?
- Well should I
have lied to you?
- Yes!
- Oh Annie.
- There was another time
I was still in high school
and I wanted to
go on to college.
Do you remember
what you said to me?
- What?
- You said "Get a job,
maybe you'll get lucky
"and marry the boss."
- Well it happened
to Rosalind Russell
in that movie with
Melvyn Douglas.
- But she got Melvyn
Douglas and I got Ed Cooper.
Oh mom what
difference does it make
I would have married
the mailman if he
would of asked me first.
I was so damn
insecure I never thought
anybody would ever
wanna marry me.
- I can't believe this!
Ann, you were a catch.
You were a prize.
Oh honey you're special.
- Mom.
Why didn't you ever
tell me that then?
- Well I thought you knew.
- How could I know?
You never said anything
that made me believe
that I could do anything.
You always smothered
me with protectiveness.
- But this is ancient history,
why are we bringing it up now?
- Mom it happens still today!
You walk into my house and
bam I'm six years old again!
You rearrange my living room,
you tell me how to cook,
when I tell my kids to
do something you say,
"Wouldn't it be better if."
Mom don't you understand,
you keep sending
me signals that say
I don't know how to do anything.
- I knew it.
This is the big kiss
off lunch isn't it?
(laughter)
You'd do anything not
to have to see me again.
You only call me once a month
and that's if I'm lucky!
- Why that's disgusting!
- If I'm lucky I
won't last too long
and I won't have to sit there
and rot waiting for
that telephone to ring!
- Thrown out like an
old bubble gum card.
- You didn't hear a
word I said did you?
- Oh I've heard you,
oh believe me I heard
everything you said.
You blame me for everything
except your diaper rash!
Is it my fault that
you and your husband
stopped sleeping together?!
- Mom, would you!
(laughter)
- Stop clicking your
teeth, I can't hear.
- I hope you're satisfied
embarrassing me like this.
- Me embarrassing you?
Check please!
Check!
- Just a minute young
lady, before you go
running off feeling
so sorry for yourself
I have a few
words to say to you.
- Could you keep it down mom?
- Will you listen to
me just listen to me.
- Yes.
- You know you are very
lucky to have an opportunity
to sit me down and tell me all
these things that
are bothering you.
Believe me, I can assure you,
my mother never did this for me.
She never had time for me.
There was so many kids
I just got lost in the crowd!
- You could never
get lost in the crowd.
Oh mom, grandma
always said you were worth
all the six kids put together.
- Well, if she said that
it was because I
helped her a lot.
I mean that was the one way
I had a chance to talk to her.
I helped her.
I just liked to help.
Helping makes me feel good.
Makes me feel useful.
Makes me feel...
- Needed.
- Okay, needed.
What's wrong with that?
- Nothing.
- When you're needed,
people want you around.
Annie I was never so
happy in my whole life
as when you were little.
I knew then that you
really needed me.
- I need you to love,
to talk with, to have fun with.
I'll always need you.
- Really?
- Really.
- Oh I love you Annie.
- And I love you mom.
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday to you
There must be some mistake.
♪ Happy birthday -
No there's no mistake.
♪ Dear mother I thought
you were taking me
♪ Happy birthday to
lunch for my birthday.
♪ To you And I knew you'd
Forget the cake so
I ordered it myself.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Make a wish.
- Thank you.
Thank you all so much!
Thank you.
- Oh, what's this?
- Happy birthday.
- You did remember!
- Finally.
- Oh I'm so nervous I can't.
You wrapped it well.
Oh Annie it's gorgeous.
Oh look at that,
isn't it gorgeous?
- Here mom, let
me pin it on for you.
- Oh you know, I haven't cried
so much in one day since
I was on my honeymoon.
(laughter)
Annie, Annie I'm so
glad we had this talk.
I feel so much closer don't you?
- Yes mom.
- Oh Annie, I've
gotta take a look at it.
Oh it's gorgeous.
But honey don't
you think it might
look a little better over here?
- No...
- Oh that looks beautiful.
Doesn't it look good?
- Yes mom, that's just fine.
- Oh thank you Annie.
Oh thank you.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Wear it in good health.
- Thank you.
(laughter)
(applause)
(upbeat music)