One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 5 - Home Again, Home Again - full transcript

An airline strike leaves the Horvaths homeless.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ Well this is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at at
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a time

(typewriter clicking)

(audience laughing)

- Hi, sweetheart.

- [Barbara] Hi.

- How's the term paper going?

- Terrific.

I'm getting two
pages to the brownie.

And that's in the city.

(audience laughing)

- Honey, I'm
really proud of you.

You know, at the
rate you're going,

you're gonna be Phi Beta Fatso.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.




Okay, okay, okay.

- And more loot
for the newlyweds.

- Terrific.

Anything good today?

- We got here a toaster.

That's worth 19 bucks.

(audience laughing)

This here's a bathroom scale.

That's worth about 35 bucks.

And we have a mmm, a $20 bill.

That's worth about 4.50.

- Ah, whatever it's worth
they're gonna need it.

A fight attendant does not
make very much money.

- Yeah, but ain't it wonderful?

Max and Julie married and off
on an old-fashioned honeymoon.

- What do you
mean old-fashioned?

- After the wedding.

(audience laughing)

Ooh, hey, yeah, right.

I got 35 bucks for that bed.

- Oh boy!

Ma, did you see this?

This is from Uncle Henry.

- What bed?

$35 for?


- You didn't tell
her about the bed!

- I was waiting
for the right time.

- [Ann] Barbara Jean Cooper!

- I think now is the right time.

- Barbara!

- Oh ma, you know that
old extra twin bed in there?

The one collecting dust?

- You sold Julie's bed?

- Heck no, Ma!

I wouldn't do something
like that without telling you.

I sold my bed.

I'm gonna sleep in Julie's.

(audience laughing)

- I loved that bed.

I slept in it when
I was a teenager.

- No kiddin'.

Boy, it was sure
in good condition.

(audience laughing)

- Ma, Max and Julie
are getting an apartment.

Now remember, you said
that I could do anything

I wanted with my room.

- I didn't mean that.

- Listen, what's the big
deal about the beds?

They're not coming back
here to live anyway, are they?

- Ha ha ha ha, oh no way.

There's an old mother-in-law
proverb which states

two families under
same roof, big goof.

- Especially when
the son-in-law has

a mind of his own.

- Hi, everybody!

- Guys!

- Oh, hey!

- [Ann] Look who's here!

- How are ya?

- Oh, welcome home!

- Hi!

- Hey, we didn't expect
you until tomorrow.

- Ah, well there was
a change of plans.

- So, how was the honeymoon?

- Yeah, what'd you do?

(audience laughing)

I mean, did you take pictures?

(audience laughing)

Ah, you know what I mean.

How was Aspen?

- We didn't go to Aspen.

- Well, Max's airline
pass is only good

for available space,
and we got bumped off

the Aspen flight.

So we took the only
flight we could get.

We had to go to Paris.

- Paris, are you kidding?

How long were you there?

- 18 minutes.

(audience laughing)

It was a stopover.

- The flight was
bound for Lisbon.

- No kidding.

Lisbon, did you like it?

- Who knows?

I couldn't leave the airport.

I didn't have a passport.

- I did get a great
picture of her though

in front of the duty free shop.

- Hey, that's what I call
one terrific honeymoon.

- Yeah.

Listen, Julie and I
could've spent a week

in each city and still not
had time for sightseeing.

- Max.

- She only married
me for my body.

(audience laughing)

- So, you got to
see Lisbon, huh?

Aw, that's a
dynamite little bird.

I volunteered for duty
there during the Korean War.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I can't believe
the amount of presents

that have come in
since we're gone.

- Oh, I know, they
are really piling up.

- This is amazing.

- Look, they're back there, too.

- Look at that.

- You're not going to need
a thing for your apartment.

- That's for sure.

- Max.

- Oh come on, Julie.

Let's just tell 'em.

- Tell us what?

- Well, we've got some good
news and some bad news.

- What's the good news?

- I qualify for unemployment.

(audience laughing)

- You got canned.

- Actually, I got
laid off temporarily.

The pilots are out on strike.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Well, we got some
other good news.

We got the deposit
back on our apartment.

- But Julie, where
are you gonna live?

- That's the bad news.

- Huh.

- Look, look, in a pinch,

in a pinch you can
live in my camper.

(audience laughing)

Of course, it is bass season,

so you'll have to
spend your weekends

up at Huckleberry Creek.

(audience laughing)

- Look, this may
be rather personal,

but do you have any money?

- Well, we're just
gonna have to make

some sacrifices, that's all.

I can, I'll cut off
flying lessons.

- No way, no way, Max.

See, Max wants to
be a commercial pilot

and for that you need
1500 hours of flying time.

- Ah, how many do you have?

- Four.

(audience laughing)

- Four.

- If we could just
stay here for awhile.

- Whoa, wait a minute.

No way, we are not
imposing on Mother Romano.

I don't want to spoil
our relationship.

Besides, we've got
a little money saved.

We'll just get a motel
room and stand on

our own two feet.

- Mmm, Max?

If it would help to stay...
- Okay, fine.

(audience laughing)

Where do we put our bags?

- Well, I guess you can
put them in my room for now.

- Well then where's
Julie gonna sleep?



Good morning.

Good morning, uh.
(snapping fingers)

- Julie.

- Julie.

I knew, I knew.

- Yeah.

- You again, huh?

You're gettin' to be a habit.


- Two weeks and they
said it would never last.

- I know.

Come over here.


- [Barbara] Good morning!

(audience laughing)

Wakie, wakie, wakie.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, do you
always have to barge

into people's private
bedrooms uninvited?

- Hey, come on.

Will you look at my side?

I'm getting tired of
porno breakfasts.

(audience laughing)

Julie, watch the kettle.

I want to get in the
bathroom before...

- [Max] Morning!

- Max!


- Ooh! Ooh!

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

- We are going to have to
set up some rules around here!

- I'm sorry.

- Ah, he doesn't knock,

he leaves his stuff all over,

and does he have to
leave his Right Guard

next to my hair spray?

(audience laughing)

- Oh Mom, you didn't?

- I did.

- Well, if Max makes
the same mistake,

he won't be able
to raise his arms.

(audience laughing)

Aw, Julie, I did
have to go in there.

I mean, I've got a
nine o'clock class.

- Barbara, come on.

Stop complaining.

Max only takes three
minutes to shower

and two minutes to
blow dry his beard.

- I know, I know, he's told me.

Flight attendant
is just another way

of saying efficiency.

- Well, he's right.

I mean, he's got a great way
to save water in the shower.

- How?

- [Max] Julie?


- Coming!

- Oh.

- Julie?

Where's Julie?

- [Julie] Max! Max!

- Conserving water.

(audience laughing)

- I don't know whether to
be embarrassed or jealous.

- Have you noticed
that it is a little

inconvenient with Max around?

- Yeah, I know, sweetheart.

But we're gonna have
to be a little tolerant.

Until the strike is over,
this is Max's home.

(tea kettle whistling)

Ah, the water.

- Oh, Ma, watch out for the...
- Ow! Oh! Oh!

- Barbell.

- Of all the stupid
places to leave a barbell.

What is this doing
in the kitchen?

- Maybe it was hungry.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you, Barbara.

- Max was working
out last night while

he was making popcorn.

- Ah, so that's where
all the butter went.

He eats all of our food,

he leaves the top
off the ginger ale,

and if he leaves that
john seat up one more time

I'm gonna kill him.

If I don't drown first.

(phone ringing)

Uh! Boy.

- Hello?

Yes, she is, who's this?

Oh, hold on a second.

Mom, it's for you.

It's someone on
the strike committee.

- For me?


Uh, huh, huh.

Hello, Ann Romano here.

May I...

Date 17 for what?

47 egg salad sandwiches.

Would you hold on
a moment, please?

You are not gonna believe this.


- What's going on?

- Max volunteered me to
make coffee and sandwiches

for the picket line.


- It's okay, we're married.

- Max, did you volunteer
me to make sandwiches?

- Oh, did I forget to mention
that, Mother Romano?

- Yes, you did, sonny boy.

Max, you had
no right to do that.

I mean, I have to
go to work today.

- Oh, Mother Romano,
I wouldn't do that to you.

I told them Saturday.

- Saturday?

I've gotta study for night
school, I've got errands.

- Doesn't this strike
mean anything to you?

- Max, I did not
start this strike.

I am not going to
participate in this strike.

I could care less
about this strike.


I am not the idol rich.

(phone slamming)

- Boy, that's too
bad, Mother Romano.

You might've met
some nice, single pilots.

Good relationship would do
wonders for your disposition.

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

(sighing) (humming)

- Oh, oh.

- What's the matter?

- Who is the idiot who put
buttermilk in that pitcher?

- Morning, Mother Romano.

Barb, nice to see ya again.

- Did you put
buttermilk in the pitcher?

- Yeah, you like it?

- Not with Froot Loops.

(audience laughing)

- Buttermilk on Froot Loops?

Little weird.

I'll get you the other milk.

- Max, no.

Ah, forget it, sit down.

I'll just have some toast.

- I have to finish
getting ready for school.

Oh, Mom, I called
Schneider and he said

he'd be up to fix
the disposal, okay?

- Okay, that's
terrific, thank you.

Okay, I give up.

Where's the toaster?

- Oh, it's over here.

I moved it.

I figured I'd save you about
16 steps every morning.


- 16 steps, imagine that.

- Mom, he's just
trying to be helpful.

The airline trained
him to be efficient.

- Max, when this apartment
flies to Los Angeles,

I'll let you handle
the kitchen, okay?

(audience laughing)

I'll just have some coffee.

This is coffee?

- Good morning, again.

- Good morning, hon.

Want part of the paper?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

How's this?

(audience laughing)

- May I have part of the paper?

(audience laughing)

Oh, I see pork bellies are up.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I wasn't thinking.

Here, take the
front page, please.

- No, no, no, no.

- No, please, I insist.

- No really, it doesn't make
any difference, honestly.

- You're doing it.

- What?

- You're trying to
make me feel guilty.

- I'm not aware that
that is what I was doing.

- You're a mother,
it's instinctive.

(audience laughing)

Look, I know it's crowded here.

But we really all have
to try and get along,

so please don't
hesitate to let me know

whenever I do something
that bothers you, okay?

- Okay.

Now that you bring
it up, the shower.

Why do you never
remember to turn the shower

control down after you finish?

- You got it.

Shower control down.

- [Ann] Good.

- Well that takes care of that.

- Wait a minute,
wait a minute now.

Now it's my turn.

(audience laughing)

You know that fuzzy
cover on the toilet lid?

- Yeah, what about it?

- Well, the seat won't stay up.

It keeps falling down and
bangin' me on the knees.

(audience laughing)

- Look, this is my
apartment, and if I...

(audience laughing)

It bangs your knees?

It falls down and it?

I mean, well, I never
thought about it.

Ed was a lot taller
than you and it never...

I think I'll just, ah,
go wash the dishes.

(audience laughing)

- Be nice!

- I am being nice.

- Well, be nicer.

Help her with the dishes.

- After the way she
attacked my knees?


- Get in there.

- Yes, dear.

Ah, ah, ah, wrong side.

- What?

- Well you should do
them from right to left,

not left to right.

- We always do them this way.

- Oh, that's fine.

But see, if you do
them from right to left,

then the dishes
end up right here

under the cabinet
where they belong.

Then one simple lift
just puts them away.

See, isn't that terrific?

- Yeah, it's amazing.

(audience laughing)

(switch clicking)

Darn disposal.

- Uh, I can fix that.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, you got a broom?

- Sure, Max.

Broom's right over there.

- Are the newlyweds up yet?

- Yes, Schneider, it's safe.

- Ah, how are you, Julie?

Where's sky king?

- Here I am.

- Hey, how are ya, big guy?

- Pretty good considering.

You know what it's like
living with three women?

- Funny you should mention it.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, give
me a break, huh?

- Oh, listen, about
your disposal.

I think the problem
is the armature.

So I went downtown,
I bought some parts.

Big deal, I paid
for them myself.

I'll have it fixed
in 20 minutes.


(disposal whirring)

- Good as new.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider.

- Your hubby is quite handy

with a broom.

Who do you fly for?

The Wicked Witch of the West?

(audience laughing)

You owe me 8.95.

- Whatever, whatever.

- And when that disposal
breaks, and it's gonna break again,

don't come to me
and ask me to fix it.

Ask Mr. Wizard.

(audience laughing)

(door slamming)

- Boy, what's he so mad about?

- I think you
stepped on his pride.

- Stepped on his pr, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

The guy comes
barging in here whenever

he wants without knocking.

I don't understand.

I thought a man's home
was supposed to be his castle.

- Excuse me.

I thought this was my castle.

- You know what I mean,
Mother Romano, it's...

- Max, do not call
me Mother Romano.

- Yeah, it sounds like a tonic.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara.

- All right, then
what would you like?



Annie? Shorty?

Doesn't matt...

- Well he doesn't
have to call her Mummy

and he doesn't
have to call her Annie

and he doesn't
have to call her Ann.

- Barbara!

- Right, Shorty.

(audience laughing)

- Why is everybody
so uptight around here?

- Boy, I tell ya, I don't know.

I sure tried to be pleasant,

but your mom somehow
gives me the impression

that I'm in the way.

- She does not.

- Yes, I do.

Max, maybe if you left the
apartment once in awhile.

You know, like for work?

- I can't take a job.

I'll be going back
to the airline as soon

as the strike is over.

- Mom, flying is
everything to Max.

He wants to be a pilot.

- Listen, do you
know what I feel like

wearing those wings,
knowing I can't fly?

- A turkey.

(audience laughing)

- That's all.

I'm movin' to the Y.

You comin', Julie?

- Wait, now hold it, Max.


You're acting like a child.

You're my husband, right?

And this is my mother.

And you're worried about
the john banging your knees.

I oughta send you to your room.

- If he had a room.

- You are as bad as he is.

I mean, you know
what the problem is?

You both, you're two of a kind.

Why do you think
that I love both of you?

Because you are both stubborn

and hard-headed and opinionated.

Okay, Max, I want
you to come over here.

- What are you doin'?

- Come on, just sit down.

- Oh, come on.

- Sit down.

- Oh.

- Mom, you two.
- Julie, I gotta work.

- I don't care.

- Julie, I have to go...
- Do this for me, Mom, please.

- Mmm.

- Good.

(audience laughing)

Now, nobody is
moving until you both

straighten this out, period.

And I'll see you later.

Dead or alive.


(clearing throat)

- Mother Ro, (laughing)

eh, Mom,


- Shorty is okay,
if it's said right.

- Okay.

Shor, would you
like a drink first?

I got bourbon, Canadian whiskey.

- Max, it's morning.

Anyway, I prefer wine.

- Oh, chablis, rose,
what do you like?

(audience laughing)

- Max.

Ah, now that we're sitting here,

can we be open and honest?

- Absolutely, absolutely.

And no hedging.

Macadamia nuts?

Too salty.

- One straightforward question.

What do you think of me?

- Uh, well I think about
you the same thing

you think about me.

- Ha ha ha, what a
lousy thing to say.

(audience laughing)

- Uh, okay.
- Okay.

- You're very, would
you like a pack of cards?

All right.

You're very clean.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you.

- Well?

(audience laughing)

- Ah, you're very...
You're very...

You got a good posture.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you.

- You're very bright
and you've got

a real good sense of humor.

- I think you're gonna be
a terrific husband to Julie.

- And you've been a
terrific mother to her.

- Well, see, I think we're
two pretty wonderful people.

There's only one problem.

- What's that?

- You bug the hell out of me.

(audience laughing)

- Well, we're even on that one.

- Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

- No, no, now wait a second.

It's not your fault.

I mean, you've got your
way of doing things, right?

Okay, and I've got
my way of doing things.

You've got your
ideas, I've got mine.

- And that doesn't mean
that anybody's wrong.

Max, you think maybe

we're a little envious
of the other person's

importance in Julie's life?

- Sounds pretty good.

You might be right.

Think we should
try liking each other?

- Let's not try anything.

Let's just see what happens.

- It's a deal.
- Okay.

- Wipe and dry?

- Yeah, thanks.

- You know, for what it's worth,

I can't think of anybody
I'd rather not get along with.

- I do think we have a
rather unique relationship.

It's honest.

Okay, Max?

- Okay, Shorty.


- All right.
- Okay.

- I can't wait in there anymore.

I mean, is everything okay?

- I think we have what is known

as an armed truce.

- Oh, well does that
mean we're moving

or we're not moving.

- You do not have to
leave until you're ready,

like the day the
strike is settled.

- Fair enough.

- Until then, oh,

you can stay as
long as necessary.

- Mom, I love you.

- [Ann] Mwah.

- And I respect you.

- Ha.

Hi, Schneider.

What's up?

- Telegram for him.

(audience laughing)

- For me?

- [Both] The strike is over.

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

- That is great, Max!

And now you can go back
to work and we can move out!

- Ah, we gave up that apartment.

Where are we gonna go?

- Well, I guess I can
let you use my camper.

It's parked down in the back.

It's not too clean.

- We'll take it.

- Oh, that's
terrific, Schneider.

We appreciate it.

- Okay, I'll give
you a little bait can

so in case I left any
night crawlers in there...

(audience laughing)

- Julie.

- Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

No, it's okay.

So there's no bath
and no laundry.

We'll just sleep down
there and do everything

else up here.

At least until we
find some place.

- Yeah, and that way
you won't feel guilty

about throwing us out.

Schneider, you're a lifesaver.

Thanks, again.

- Yeah.

Well you go near my camper
with your magic broom,

you're gonna get your
hair parted with a wrench.

(audience laughing)

- All right.

Oh, listen, speaking of brooms,

ah, I don't know.

The disposal's
on the fritz again.

I guess I really didn't fix it.

- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well that's a
very sophisticated

piece of equipment.

I mean, you would
have to be a real pro

with a lot of experience.

Listen, why don't I get my kit

and I'll show you how to fix it.

You know, you could learn,

your broom out,
could you possibly...

- Max?

The disposal works.

- A mere detail.

Got an old spoon?


(audience applauding)

(upbeat playful music)

(upbeat orchestral music)