One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 24 - Grecian Yearn - full transcript

Ann falls for her Greek-archaeology professor.

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time

♪ Oh you must have
been a beautiful baby,

♪ 'Cause Schneider
look at you now,

♪ I caught you peekin'

♪ Schneider look at you now

- PR campaign again... Hi!

- I never want to
see a client again,

and I never ever want to
see Mr. Davenport again!

- Have a nice day?

- That Mr. Davenport, he
has all the sensitivity of an ape!

- I've been telling
her for years,

it's a jungle out there.

- Mom what happened?

- Oh, the usual.

I came up with a great
idea for one of our clients,

and King Kong
took credit for it.

- That's the nature
of the rat race,

man's inhumanity to
man, and vice versa.

(audience laughs)

- That's the way
it seems lately.

Work is frustrating.

The weather is lousy.

I'm gaining weight.

- I noticed.

(audience laughs)

- About the
weather, it's all over...

- Sometimes I wish I could
just chuck it all, you know,

start from scratch.

- Oh, mom, cheer up.

At least we get to see
Professor Kaufman again tonight.

- Wait a second I thought
you and your mother

were never gonna take
a class together again?

- It's a lecture series,
it doesn't count.

- He's tall, dark, and sexy.

- Professor Kaufman
is a world renowned

scholar of ancient ruins.

- Oh, he's a plastic surgeon?

(audience laughs)

- Archeologist.

- Who's tall, dark and sexy.

- He discovered an
ancient Greek city.

- Oh those Greeks, man
they were really something.

I mean they had your
sophisticated sewage systems,

they had your hot
and cold running water.

They had your communal
baths for uh, men and women.

- Schneider, how do
you know all of that?

- Big article in this
month's Super's Digest.

(audience laughs)

Sewage of the Gods.

(audience laughs)

Couldn't put it down.

- Mom, you have the admit
that Professor Kaufman

is a very exciting man.

- Yeah, his work
is very exciting.

Making discoveries,
digging in ruins.

- Oh, it's so romantic.

- Well, of course it's romantic.

I mean, it's, it's
your basic sexuality.

My line of work it's called
the mystique of maintenance.

(audience laughs)

- Far from being the
stuff of dust and bones,

archeology is above all human.

It examines man's
noblest successes,

his most dismal failures.

- Hm, sounds like my love life.

- It's about art.

It's about commerce,

and it comes most alive
in the ruins of Greece.

(pencil clacks)

Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.

(audience laughs)

- I've never seen a professor
with groupies before.

- Two can play that game.

(pencil clacks)

(audience laughs)

- I'd like you to take
a look at Alusses,

the site I've been excavating.

Now these maps will give
you a rough idea of the layout

but you really have to be there.

You have to work with your
hands in that crumbling soil,

feel the hot Aegean
sun on your back.

It truly makes you
appreciate a nice cold beer.

(students laughing)

(bell rings)

And that's it folks.

I'll see you next week.

(students applauding)

- Will you look at that?

I'm gonna go stand by the door.

Some of those dolls are bound

to drop out of the race, right?

When they do, I'll be ready.

- You always are, Elliot.

Coming mom?

- I'll be there in
a second honey,

I just want to get
my things together.

- [Barbara] Okay.

(door closes)

- Ms. Romano?

- Professor Kaufman?

(audience laughs)

- (sighs) Ann.

- Richard.

(audience laughs)

- I'm, I can't believe this!

Your mother was making
out with the Greek tycoon?

- You got it.

- Yeah but how could she?

She doesn't even know him!

- That's what I
thought but she must.

You don't go around making
out with people you don't know.

(audience laughs)

Schneider, the point is
that my mom obviously has

something going on with
the professor that she did not

bother to tell me about.

I don't get how my own
mother could be so devious.

- No wait a second, you,
your mother's not devious at all.

Your mother's a
very mature woman.

I mean, you know, you have
to grow to just, you know,

to trust your mother.

(door slams)

- Hi.

How are you?

- How we are is not important!

What is important
is who is this guy?

Where is he from?

What does he do?

Who does he know?
Who are his folks?

Where are his folks!

- Schneider!

This is Richard Kaufman.

- Who's asking?

- It's nice to meet
you, Schneider.

Hi Barbara.

- Professor.

- Ah, Richard.

- Okay, Richard.

- So, Dick!

(audience laughs)

I hear from the
grape leaves that

you've spent some
time in Athens.

- Yes...
- So have I.

Did you ever hear
of the vestal virgin?

- It doesn't ring a bell.

- Well it sure rang mine.

(audience laughs)

How can you spend
some time in Athens

and miss the vestal virgin?

The hottest spot
in the waterfront.

- Oh, Piraeus.

- No, topless.

(audience laughs)

- Ah, I'll have to check
it out when I get back.

- Yeah well just tell 'em
Zorba the plumber sent you.

They'll remember.

Hey, Ms. Romano,
this guy Dick here,

he's a, a nice guy,
so you got my okay.

Oh, I, I gotta warn you
against archeologists!

- Why?

- Because their hearts
belong to mummy ha ha ha ha!

That's an old joke!

- I know.

I found it on a tomb.

(audience laughs)

- Ah, say goodnight Gracie.

- I thought his name was Dick.

- (laughs) Well,
I guess I'll um,

talk to you later.

- (laughs) My family.

My apartment.

My my.

- Come here.

- Do you realize, sir, that if
I hadn't dropped my books

in the hall last week we
would not be sitting here now?

- And my big toe wouldn't
be black and blue now.

- (laughs) I'm sorry,
my aim was off.

- You mean you
did it on purpose?

- Oh, uh, no, I was, I was just,

I was walking in the hall
and, and you were there,

and I had books.

- Ah, and I fell for it.

- Uh-huh.

- You.

- Richard I'm curious
about something,

how'd you get started?

- Let's see, I started
kissing in 1953.

- (laughing) I mean archeology.

- Oh, I was five, digging in a
sandbox during school recess

and suddenly I uncovered...

- An ancient substitute teacher.

- No!

An Orphan Annie decoder ring.

- Ah.

- I got very excited.

It gave me the feeling that
the past was all around me

just waiting to be discovered.

- It still is, isn't it,
back in Greece.

- Yeah.

- You miss it, huh?

- Mm-hmm, it's my
home six months a year.

- What about the
other six months?

- I lecture, six months
for love, six for money.

But it's not just the digs,
it's Crete, it's Athens.

You should see Athens.

- I'd love to.

- On a moonlit night it is the

most romantic city in the world.

- Mm.

- You sit in a little cafe
drinking Ouzo, dancing,

you have a view
of the Parthenon.

You're breaking plates.

- Ah, do they
really break plates?

- Mm-hmm.

- I've always wanted to do that.

- Then why don't you?

- Ha, it's a lovely fantasy.

- Well it doesn't have
to be just a fantasy.

Ann, I want you to come
live with me in Greece.

(audience applauds)

- You want me to go
to Greece with you.

- Right.

- Just drop everything
and take off.

- Right.

- You're a nut.

- Right!

Want to go to Greece with a nut?

- Oh, it's awfully tempting.

- Well?

- Richard, come on!

Get serious.

I got kids.

- They're grown.

- And I have my work.

- You can work in Greece.

And if you're
interested you can even

assist me with my excavations.

- You mean wear a pith helmet

and get my own pick and shovel?

- And maybe even
discover the door to a tomb

just like in The Mummy's Hand.

Now how does that sound?

- (laughing) Ah, it
sounds like I've died

and gone to heaven.

Oh, Richard, what
about my studies?

I mean I've just started to...

- Ann, you can study in Athens.

You can study in Istanbul.

- Why are you being
so damned agreeable?

- Because I want you with me.

In case you haven't noticed,

I like you.

- I like you too.

- No I mean, I really like you.

- Mm, I really like you too.

- Okay!

- Aha!

So you want me to go
to Greece on a really like?

- Let you drive my Land Rover.

- Oh, well in that case.

- Well just say
yes, be impulsive.

- Before I can be impulsive,
I have to think about it.

- Oh.

Well, all right.

I don't want to pressure you.

You've got one week.

- Ah.

- And, while you're trying
to come to a decision,

you might take a look at this.

- What is it?

- My book on the ancient world.

- Oh, Richard.


"Ruins in moonlight,
Greece and romance,

"come with my Annie,
don't blow our chance."

(audience laughs)

I thought you didn't
want to pressure me.

- I lied.


- (sighs) Your poetry
stinks, you know.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mom?

You okay?

- Mm, yeah I'm fine,
I just can't sleep.

- Oh good!

Oh, I don't mean oh
good that you can't sleep,

I just mean oh good
I'll finally get to find

out what's going on.

You are going to
tell me, aren't you?


- Richard has asked
me to live with him.

- What?

(audience laughs)

- In Greece.

- What?

- Is that all you've got to say?

- What?

No, oh!

Mom, I was still trying to
figure out how you met this guy,

and now you're moving
to Greece with him?

- Well, uh, not forever, he's
there only for six months.

I didn't say I was going,
I said he asked me.

- Is it the same thing?

- Well, the more I think
about it, the better it sounds.

Crazy, isn't it?

- Totally, yes.

How could you keep
something like this from me,

I thought we were close.

- Well, you're gonna
think this is silly,

but I guess I wanted a secret.

- You're right, that's silly.

Didn't you know
secrets aren't any good

unless you can tell
them to someone?

(audience laughs)

- Not necessarily.

- But mom, I'm your daughter.

- Do you tell me everything?

- Yes!

Well, almost everything.

(audience laughs)

Five things out of eight.


So when are you leaving?

- Should I go?

- Oh, mom.

This is a chance of a lifetime.

- I want to go.

I really want to go.

I, I'm scared, I mean I
have a family to worry about.

- Oh, come on!

Julie's married, I can
always go live in the dorm.

We don't need you.

Uh, wait.

(audience laughs)

Let me put that
another way, okay?

We can do without you.

Uh, somehow we'll manage?

- Ha ha, I really
hate to admit it,

but I'm sure you will.

Oh. (laughs)

(knocking on door)

- Who is it?

- Dwayne F. Schneider.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

I was walking past
your door, I heard voices.

- Yeah, that was us.

- (fingers snap) Exactly
who I thought it was.

- Uh, why are you up?

- Early morning security patrol.

While the tenants are snoozin',

Captain Schneider is cruisin'.

(audience laughs)

So what are you guys doing
up, you having a slumber party?

- Oh yeah, sure, join the party.

- (laughs) This is a lot of fun.

(audience laughs)

I feel like a little
girl, you know.

So uh, who we ripping apart?

- Nobody.

- Oh you mean,
you really can't sleep.

Oh, well don't worry, listen
insomnia's very common

amongst people who can't sleep.


Well I mean at
least you're keeping

your sense of humor about it.

- Yeah. (laughs)

- Something's going on.

- How ever could you tell?

- Cause I'm
telegraphic, that's how!

Come on, el spillo la beanos!

- No no, mom's just
moving to Greece

with the professor, that's all.

- Moving to Greece!

You cray, you crazy
woman, that's terrific!

Oh you're gonna, hey you
gotta go see the Acropolis,

you gotta see it!

- I was thinking about going.

- Wait a second, this is no
time to think Ms. Romano,

you've got to seize the moment,
you gotta go with the flow,

blow with the wind,
fly with the ointment,

slip in the ring,
slide in the mud,

you gotta scooch
with the chooch,

you gotta do it all!

(audience applauds)

- You know, he's right.

- (laughs) No!

No, not necessarily.

I mean you just don't go
and do something like that.

You just don't drop
everything for a fantasy.

- Ah, Ms. Romano, trust me, huh?

If you kick a gift
horse in the mouth

it'll never neigh
your way again.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, I have

This apartment.

- What just sublet
the apartment.

I happen to know that Beer Belly

would love to take
over this place.

- Wait a minute, I
thought that Beer Belly

had a room at the lodge.

- He grew out of it.

(audience laughs)

- See mom, there is
nothing to stand in your way.

- Mm.

- So then, that's all
settled then, right, right?

- (laughs) Well I'd, I'd
better get back to sleep.

Um, night.

- Do you have any idea
what she's gonna do?

- (laughing) Are you kidding me?

The woman's mind is
like an open book to me!

I mean it's crystal clear.

It is absolutely
totally transparent.

- You don't, do you?

- Not a clue.

(audience laughs)

- I want to thank you all for
attending this lecture series,

and I hope it's inspired
you to get to work

discovering the past.

Maybe I'll see some of
you at Alusses some day.

Maybe sooner.

So thanks again, and goodnight.

(students applaud)

- Thank god that's over.

Barbie doll, why
don't you come over

to my place and we'll celebrate?

- Uh, no thanks
Elliot I have to study.

- Ooh, ooh I'll help ya.

- I'd like to pass.

- Okay doll, but
you're missing out.

You know beneath
this cool exterior

there lurks a raging bull.

- Right, bull.

(audience laughs)

- What do you say, Annie?

Want to take a chance on love?

- Oh, no thanks, Elliot.

I'd hate to ruin
your perfect record.

- Still got the hots
for Kaufman, huh?

- No accounting for taste.

- Ah, that's right.

- Mom, not that I'm
curious or anything,

but the lecture series is over
and he's leaving tomorrow.

- And you want to know
if I'm gonna go with him.

- Well, the thought
had crossed my mind.

Okay, look.

Just one small thing.

If you do decide to go,

could you let me know?

I mean I would hate
to wake up one morning

and find Beer Belly
making breakfast for me.

(audience laughs)

- (sighs deeply) Hi.

- Hi.


- Shh, don't say a word.

I want to set the mood.

Now let's see.

Ouzo, nectar of the gods.

Uh, a view of the Parthenon.



We'll break these later.

- Ha ha.

- You coming with me?

- Well, everyone
certainly has made it easy

for me to say yes.

- Good for them.

- Mm-hmm, you reassured
me about my work and studies.

Schneider arranges for a sublet.

Barbara tells me
that she and her sister

could do very well without me.

My mom tells me to go for it.

As a matter of fact, she
says if I don't go, she will.

You're offering me what
I've always dreamed of.

A chance to see the world,

live adventurously,
do important work,

and be with a wonderful man.

- So?

- So...

I'm turning you down.

- I don't get it.

- I don't either.

- What's stopping you?

- Nothing except me.

- Well don't be so rude,
get out of your way.

- Ha.

(audience laughs)

Richard it's obviously
not that easy.

My life's not perfect but I,

I guess I just don't
want to give it up.

Not even for a dream.

- You can start
your life over again.

- That's the point!

Richard, I've spent
the last few years

building a whole new life!

I don't want to start over.

- All this time I thought
you were crazy about me.

- Oh, Richard, I
am crazy about you.

The way you want us
to live, it's wonderful.

It's terrific, it's romantic,

but it's just, it's not me!

- Aw, come on Ann, what
are you talking about?

- (stamps foot) I don't know
what I am talking about!

(plate clangs)

(audience laughs)

That's what I'm talking about.

My plates don't break.

- Oh, well, fine.

That just makes perfect sense.

- It does.

It makes absolute
sense, Richard.

I'm not a free spirit.

I'm not reckless and I hate it.

Maybe that's, why
I like you so much.

I see something in
you that I will never be.

- Annie.

- Richard.

I have to turn you down.

And damn it, Richard!

I'm gonna regret it
the rest of my life.

Damn. (sighs)

- Hey,

you're really something
Annie, you know?

- Oh yeah, I'm something.

It's not everyone
who's idiot enough

to turn a dream down flat.

- Well, look.

Since you're not coming with
me, then some time or other

I'll just have to
come back to you.

In the meantime,

I want you to practice
with these plates.

- (laughs) Okay.

(plate shatters)

Dig fast.

(audience applauds)

(upbeat happy music)