One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 15 - So Long, Mom - full transcript

Ann finds herself alone in an empty nest.

(upbeat music)

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Okay, let me
get this straight.

You wanna move into a
two bedroom apartment

with five other girls because
this place is crowded?

- Right.

- Makes sense.

- Ma, come on now.

I am almost 19 years old.

I think it's about
time that I moved out.

- Moved out, she said moved out.

You don't mean.
- Moved out.

- She wants to live
on campus, Schneider.

- You mean in one
of those co-ed dorms?

Absolutely not.

You realize what's
going in college?

The 80s kids are matriculating
each other and everything.

(audience laughing)

It's terrible.

- Schneider.

Now mom, this is a chance
for me to be independent.

- What about the rent?

- I told dad I'd pay him back.

- That's independent.

- Now, come on.

I just got a part time job
at the student book store.

I know I can swing it.

- Swing?

See, swing, swing.
- I can make it on my own.

But I would really
like your approval.

- I don't believe this.

- Schneider, how old were
you when you moved out?

- Oh, I don't, would you.

That's a whole
different, alright, I was 16.

But that's a completely
different thing.

I mean, I was a man.

- At 16?
- At 13.

(audience laughing)

Now this woman here, she
happens to be your mother.

I want you to listen to what
this woman's gonna tell you.

Go ahead, go ahead.

- So long, Barbara.

(audience laughing)

- That means that I, oh mom.

You're terrific, thank you.

I can't wait to tell the girls.


- What are you kidding me?

You're gonna let her move out?

- Schneider, I decided
a long time ago

that when my girls
were ready, I'd better be.

- Come on, you're talking
to Dwayne Schneider.

- Okay.

So, it's not easy having
your girls grow up on you.

You wanna give 'em everything,

but the one thing
they want the most.

- What's that?

- Their freedom.

- Miss Romano, she's
going out there in that jungle,

that cold, cruel jungle.

- Oh, come on, Schneider.

She's not going off
to live with the apes.

- You ever see one of those
varsity linemen close up?

(audience laughing)

So she's gone.

You care for 'em, you raise 'em.

And they go.

- I know, Schneider.

Hasn't been easy for you.

Come on, she'll be around.

- Probably won't even write.

- We still have Julie and Max.

It's not as if Barbara's
taking off tonight.

- Well, so long, see ya.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, wait a minute.

Where are you going?

- Well, I thought I'd
go over to my place.

- Are you listening to this?

She's going to her place.

- What's the hurry?

- What is the hurry?

- Well, dinner's at 7:00, and
I thought no sense waiting.

- No sense in that.

- I thought I might
as well get over

there and spend the night.

- Might as well.

- Look, I'll be back
during the rest of the week

to pick up the rest of
my clothes and stuff,

and I'll call later with
the phone number.

- Hey, hold it, hold
it a minute, honey.

You're going off
to college with your

racket and your roller skates.

Aren't you forgetting something?

- College books,
right, of course.

Okay, that's enough,
that's enough.

(audience laughing)

Okay, so long, mom.

- So long, mom.

That's all we get.

(audience laughing)

- Max, hi.

- Boy, Barbara
sure was in a hurry.

- Yeah, she was.

How was your flight to Houston?

- Oh, Shorty, it was the best.

And I mean the best.

Wait 'til you hear,
have I got news.

- Have you got news?

- Schneider.

- Okay, you ready?

I'm not a flight
attendant anymore.

I got a promotion.

- Woo, that's terrific,
congratulations, Max.

- Thank you, thank you.

Well, what do you
think, Schneider?

- Yeah, it's terrific.

What did they make
you, a bombardier?

(audience laughing)

- I have been moved up to
flight attendant supervisor.

And that means Julie and I
can afford our own apartment.

- You're moving out
of Schneider's camper?

- Wait a minute,
you can't do that.

You, you can do that.

(audience laughing)

Who said you can't do that?

- Listen, Shorty.

We've already found
a terrific apartment,

and it's only about two
miles from the civic center.

- Oh, that's not far.

I can walk from here.

- Walk from here to Houston?

- Houston?

- Texas?

- You're talking about
moving to Houston?

- Houston, Texas.

- Oh, gee, I didn't mean
to drop it on you like that.

I'm just so excited, I
got a little carried away.

- Oh, I'm just stunned.

Well, that's, Max, I'm
happy for you, really.

I think it's terrific.

- Yeah, and it's
also kind of sudden.

I hope you understand.

- What choice do we have?

- Of course we understand, Max.

Really, I think it's wonderful.

I'm sure that Julie is thrilled.

- Oh, is she ever.

You know, she flew with
me down to Houston, right?

Well, while she's down there,

she's gonna get the
apartment all fixed up.

Well, she's gonna be
back for the big move.

I'm sorry, Shorty.

I know it's a shock.

- Shock, shock?

You don't know the half of it.

I'll give you a shock.
- Schneider.

I'm happy for you,
and I'm happy for Julie.

So I lost a little girl.

It really didn't
happen that suddenly.

Took almost 20 years.

- Thanks, Shorty.

Well, alright then.

I'm gonna go down to the camper,

and pack up a few of our things

that'll tide us over.

I'll see you guys later.

- Gee, whiz, Miss Romano.

Two daughters in one day.

(audience applauds)

Just think about
it for a minute,

what it's gonna be like
to be living all by yourself.

- Yahoo.

(audience laughing)

Alright, so it's gonna
be a little rough.

- A little rough, huh?

Just remember something.

When you need
somebody, and believe me,

you're gonna need somebody,

just give me a call, use me.

Otherwise you're gonna
wind up talking to yourself.

- Talking to myself.

Who does he think I am?

(audience laughing)

Talking to myself.

Okay, so I'm talking to myself.

That doesn't mean I'm bonkers.

That is one advantage over
talking to Julie and Barbara.

I listen to me.

I understand me.


Oh, I don't know what
I'm moping around for.

I'm free.

This is my apartment.

The first place I have
had in my whole life

entirely to myself.

Hey, yeah this is my pad.

(audience laughing)

No more racing for the bathroom.

No squabbles over doing dishes.

No rotten music blasting away.

Nothing but quiet.

(audience laughing)




My new office.

I can get rid of this
bed, take this down.

That's the first thing
Barbara put up in here.

Five years ago.

So long, mom.

Hi, Tutu Bear.

Julie's gone, Tutu.

A bearded young man came along,

all excited and said, I'm
taking your daughter to Houston.

Houston, Tutu.

So long, mom.


Ah, Barbara, I want you to go.

I understand.

Oh, gee, wow, golly, woo.

I am so wonderful.

You're so understanding.

Your mother is so good natured.

So undemanding, so adaptable,
so generous, so long, mom.

Sorry, Tutu.

- [Barbara] Mom, it's me.

- In here.

- Hi mom.

- Don't tell me
Schneider talked to you.

- Mom.

- And you came back
because you feel guilty.

- I came back because
I forgot a few things.

- Schneider didn't tell you.

- Tell me what?

- Okay.

Promise me you
won't come back home.

- Mom, I promise, I
promise, I promise.

- Julie and Max are
moving to Texas.

- Texas?

A promise is a promise.

- You bet.

- Damn it, Julie pulled the
rug out from under me again.

- She did no such thing.

Julie is leading her life,
I want you to lead yours.

- I can not leave home
now, and you know it.

- Yes you can.

- How?

Leave an aging woman all alone?

(audience laughing)

I mean, you could
fall and break your hip.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, I'm still very spry.

And if you can't leave, how
come you're still packing?

- We're arguing, and in
case you win this argument,

I'll be ready.

Mom, if I left
home, I'd feel guilty.

- And if you came
back because of me,

I'd feel very guilty.

- I think you just
won by a very.

- I want you to go, sweetheart.

I'm gonna miss you.
- Me too, you.

- And I'm gonna miss Julie.

- Oh, me too.

She's gonna be in.
- [Both] Texas.

- Oh.

I really am gonna
miss you, you know.

So long, mom.

(upbeat music)

(knocking on door)

- Hi.

- Hi, Miss Romano.

Tonight's Thursday.

- Yeah, I know.

- Normally, on Thursday,
I bowl 'til midnight,

but tonight I couldn't,
I just couldn't.

- How come?

- Well, it happened during
the first game, you know.

I was working on a simple
two seven split, you know,

just two pins, and I
roll a nice, slow hook,

and it's going down the alley,

and as it starts working
up towards the pins,

I suddenly saw it.

- Saw what?

- Those two pins, Miss Romano.

They were Julie and Barbara.

(audience laughing)

One minute they were there,

and the next
minute, they're gone.

I looked down that
empty bowling alley.

All I could think of was you.

- Thank you, Schneider.

I appreciate it.

- You see, Miss Romano,
life is like bowling, you know.

You get a couple of strikes,

you get a few spares,
every once in a while,

you get a gutter ball.

Did you sand and seal that?

Well, the thing.

Thing is, I just
want you to know

I understand.

- Thank you, Schneider.

- See, the girls have been
gone about two weeks,

so if there's gonna
be any heartache at all,

it should be setting
in right about now.

- I'm fine, Schneider.

Really, I am.

I've been getting a lot
of work done at the office.

I just completed a term
paper for English lit,

and I've had two not bad dates.

- Okay, so you're lonely.

(audience laughing)

Thing is, you see,
there are other people

who have learned how to
deal with their loneliness.

People who are in, you know,

the same kind of
situation you're in.


- The Birdman of Alcatraz.

(audience laughing)

- Man was never lonely,
had nothing but spare time.

- I appreciate your
concern, Schneider, really,

but you shouldn't go
to so much trouble.

- Go to so much trouble, huh?

For a friend, are you kidding?

Alright, so maybe I
did bend one little rule.

You know how strict I am
about no pets in the building.

- Oh, no, Schneider, a pet.

- A perfect anecdote
for loneliness.

An ant farm.

(audience laughing)

- Man's best friend.

- They're very neat.

- How can you tell?

- Have you ever seen
any ant droppings around?

(audience laughing)

- No, no, I haven't.

- Ever seen any city ordinances,

please curb your ant?

- No, uh uh.

- You start watching
these things,

you're gonna wonder
where the hours go.

Oh, and wait 'til you
find Fast Freddie.

- Schneider, there must
be hundreds of ants in there.

How will I find Fast Freddie?

- That's where the hours go.

(audience laughing)

- You really are very good at
cheering people up, Schneider.

- Yeah, I think I am,

because I'm starting
to feel better, you know.

- Good.

- Mom, hi.

- Honey, hi.

Oh, what a surprise.
- Hi.

Oh boy, the old place is really
beginning to look different.

- I think it looks wonderful.

Well, I thought you
had to study tonight.

- Oh, boy do I really.

Burning the old
midnight oil, you know.

- How are things at the house?

- Oh, terrific, just wonderful.

In just two weeks,
we've had, let's see,

three parties, one open house,

and a game of touch with
the guys across the street.

- Oh, I think touch
football's fun.

- Football, I don't
remember any football.

(audience laughing)

How you doing?

- I'm doing just fine.

- [Barbara] Yeah?
- Yeah.

There are a lot of things
I love about living alone.

- Oh, I know what you mean.

There are so many
things that I love

about living in that house.

- Yeah, I'm on my own.

- I'm independent.
- It's exciting.

- Stimulating.
- I feel free.

- I feel mature.

- Then, of course, there
are the disadvantages.

- Nothing's perfect.
- I've heard that.

- Yeah, you know,
that house is a pretty

crowded place to study.

All kinds of
distractions, you know.

All night discussions
about everything, parties.

All kinds of goings
on, you can imagine.

- I'd rather not.

- Mom, what would
you say if I told you

I had a little trouble
with my biology midterm?

- A little?

- Well, let's just say
that it's really easy to

oversleep an
eight o'clock class.

I mean, in that house,
no one wakes you up

unless it's for a party.

- Barbara, you missed your exam?

- What would you say if I
told you I got an incomplete?

- I'd say get an alarm clock.

I'd say move home.

- Yeah, I thought
you'd say that.

It was just a what if, mom.

Okay, let's be honest.

- You didn't miss your exam.

- Got a B plus.

But you wanted me home,

when you could tell yourself
that it was for my own good.

I think it's time we had
a mother daughter talk.

Sit down.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, this
mother daughter talk,

I am still playing the mother.

- Look, mom.

Two daughters moved
out on you, bang.

Just like that, they were gone.

- I don't want you
moving back in.

- You don't miss us?
- [Ann] No.

- Honestly?

- Alright, sweetheart,
yes I miss you, a little.

A lot.

- Then there's no reason
for you to lose both of us.

- Are you telling me
that you'd rather live here

than at school?

- No, I'd be lying, because
I really do like it there.

- Okay, then you would
be moving back here

purely out of a sense of guilt.

- No.

A sense of responsibility.

And love.

- Honey look.

We all know that children
end up caring for their parents

when they get old, but
I'm really not that old.

- I'm not caring for you.

I'm caring about you.

Maybe just plain caring.

Hey, I know you can make
it on your own all by yourself.

But you lost two
daughters in 10 minutes.

Mom, that's a lot.

I'm gonna do something for you.

I'm coming home.

(audience laughing)

- I knew she wasn't gonna
leave you here by yourself.

This some terrific kid.

- She's quite a woman.

- Well, what do you expect?

She's your daughter.

Unless, somehow
she got it from me.

(audience laughing)

- I don't know what to say.

- You don't have
to say anything.

- You're right, of course.

You know, it is
hard for a mother.

I do know what to say.

Thank you.

- Okay.

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

(orchestral music)