One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 11 - Male Jealousy - full transcript
A feud erupts between Schneider and Max for male dominance in the Romano household as well as the attention of Ann and the girls.
("This Is It" by Jeff
and Nancy Barry)
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ The is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ Well this is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, la da da dum
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, la da da dum
♪ One day at a time
- Hi everybody.
- Hey, kid.
- Hi.
(audience laughs)
- Do you get the feeling
we're living in Jack Lelanne's?
- Ah, Julie won't let him
do that down in the camper.
- Why not?
- The springs squeak.
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell ya, you know,
it is really nice of Schneider
to let us use his camper,
but I just can't wait until
we can up enough money
to get our own place.
I don't know why
it's so hard to save.
- Where's Julie?
- Shopping for a new dress.
(audience laughs)
What, she's gotta get a dress
for my company
party on Saturday.
- Hey, no fair, I'm going
and I don't get a new dress.
- Well, you're not the wife
of one of the company's
up and coming
young flight attendants
who happens to be
bucking for a better position.
- Max, let me talk to you
about the company
party for a second.
Is it important to you
that Barbara and I go?
- Ah geez, Shorty, I really
wanna show everybody
my new family, why?
- Well, Schneider's lodge
is having its annual cookout.
We've gone for
the last four years.
I don't know, I just didn't
realize it was the same day.
- Well gee, can't
you get out of it.
- I'll try.
- Great, and listen
I've got a dashing pilot
just dying to meet you.
- Oh yeah?
Married?
- Nope.
- Living with somebody?
- Not in Indianapolis.
(audience laughs)
- Cute.
(Max laughs)
- I'm comin' in, I'm comin' in!
Anybody not dressed,
close your eyes.
(audience laughs)
How are you, Ms. Romano?
- [Ann] Okay.
- I thought I would just come up
and fix that loose wallpaper
you've been complaining about.
- Uh Schneider, I know
how busy you've been,
so it's already taken care of.
I did it.
- You did it, eh?
It's not too bad.
Can always hang
a picture over it.
(audience laughs)
Only kidding.
Course, if anybody lost a card,
I could tell 'em
where to find it.
(audience laughs)
What kind of tools
you use on that?
- Eh a little flour, a little
water, and a rolling pin.
- Isn't Max clever?
If we ever get hungry,
we can bake the wall.
- (laughs) Bake the wall.
Well, while I'm here,
I may as well at least
fix this cabinet door.
It's been stickin'
for three weeks.
You?
- Yeah.
- What'd you use on
that, a knife and fork?
(audience laughs)
- I used a screwdriver.
- Look kid, it's nice
that you're helping me
with the little things,
but you don't wanna
get in over your head,
you know what I mean?
I mean for example,
you know, like this door,
now I gotta change
this door lock.
That's something that you
should leave to the pros,
you know?
- Are you saying that I'm not
able to change a door lock?
- Just sayin' that
that's something
that requires a little
mechanical expertise,
and I've been
doin' it all my life.
- That long?
(audience laughs)
- Hi everybody.
- [Max] Hi, baby.
- Hi honey.
Oh look, they had this
terrific sale at Blocks.
- You got two dresses?
- She'll only keep one.
- How do you know?
- Well she always
buys two and keeps one.
Thing is now, we
gotta make a choice.
- There's no contest.
The gray one, I love it.
- Wrong, see in the first place,
your wife's favorite
color is red, right?
- Right.
- It is?
- Always has been,
I mean red is Julie.
It's alive, exciting, wild!
Now Barbara, she's a blue.
Innocent, loyal, sedate.
On the other hand, Ms.
Romano, she's a purple.
(audience laughs)
- Purple?
- A red tryin' to look blue.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, you're right.
The red one.
It'll be perfect
for next weekend.
- Well, you'll be a
knock out, even in red.
- Wait a second, wait a second.
You can't wear a
dress to the cookout,
you won't be able to
enter the wheelbarrow race!
- Schneider, look,
can I talk to you
about that cookout?
- Oh no, no, you're
not gonna enter me
in that pie-eating contest
again against beer-belly again!
- No, no.
- Last year I had a blueberry
smile for three months.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider that's not it.
You see, there's a problem.
You see, Max...
- Ah Max is no
problem, he's invited!
The guys down at the
lodge are gonna love Max.
You're gonna shave
the beard, right?
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, the thing is
see, is that Max's airline
is having a company party
the same day as the cookout.
- Oh, that's too bad.
We're gonna miss ya.
- Uh, Schneider, you see
Max invited us all to go with him.
They're gonna fly
us all up to Chicago.
- You're all gonna go with him?
- Well, Schneider...
- Look, I'm sorry.
I did not realize
there was a conflict,
but this is a family party.
- What do you
think the cookout is?
- Well yeah, but this is
my family, my new family,
and I really wanna...
- Hold it, hold it,
hold it, Skeezix.
This is my family too.
We've been goin' to that
cookout four straight years.
Course, we don't fly
nobody up to the cookout
in a la-dee-dah airplane.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, this is
very important to Max.
There are gonna be
some big people there.
- Big people?
You ever seen beer belly?
(audience laughs)
- Um, Schneider look,
maybe we can split up.
- Hey, good idea.
- Now wait a second, I got
four reservations on the plane.
- Big deal, I bought
four tickets at 5.95 each.
- Ah see, you got four tickets,
you didn't get
one for me, did ya?
- Ah Max, come on.
Schneider bought the
tickets two months ago.
- Oh well gee, I mean, if he
dropped 20 bucks on the tickets
you better go with him.
Don't worry about me,
I'm just the husband.
- Max.
- 23.80!
(audience laughs)
And don't try to dump
no big guilt trip on me!
I would never think
of breakin' up a home
like somebody I know.
- Ah, Schneider, come on.
- It's all right.
Don't worry about me.
I can always go up there alone.
(audience laughs)
- Would you look at this?
Talk about dumping guilt.
What are you runnin'
for, mother of the year?
(audience laughs)
- You just wanna do
this for your job, right?
Right.
And that's the
difference between us.
You care about money.
I care about people.
I get high on life.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Max, what is it
you're trying to prove?
You took what Schneider said
as some kind of a challenge.
- I am just changing this lock
because your Schneider
hasn't gotten around to it.
And because there are
two women living here alone.
You heard about
that master burglar
who broke out of prison, right?
- No, I didn't, where was this?
- Yokahama.
(audience laughs)
- Yokahama, Max,
that's 5,000 miles away.
- Well you know how the
Japanese love to travel.
(audience laughs)
There, now that baby'll
keep out anybody.
(Schneider hums melodically)
(Schneider yells)
Well, it works.
- So I hear.
- Wah!
Ah, I'm sorry about that lock.
I promise I'll
change it this week.
- I already did.
(audience laughs)
- You changed a
lock in my building?
What are you crazy?
You're an amateur.
The union finds out about this,
they're gonna have
a contract out on you.
(audience laughs)
- I was only trying to help.
I know how busy you've been.
Everybody in the building
wants the handyman.
- Handyman?
(audience laughs)
You figure me for a handyman.
- Moderately handy.
- I am the chief supervisory
engineer for all maintenance
in this building!
(audience laughs)
- Would you two
please just cool it?
- You tell Mr. Fix-it here,
that the only screwdrivers
he should be handling
are the one that he
serves on the airplane.
Give me a key to that lock.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know why
you want the key.
You don't live here.
(Schneider groans)
- No, I don't live here.
No, you're right, I don't.
And the reason I don't live here
is because I have a
place of my own to live,
not like some free-loadin',
bearded stewardesses I know.
(audience laughs and groans)
- Oh really?
You want a key?
I'll give you a key.
Here, here's the
key to your camper.
We don't need to
live there anymore.
I happen to be an
independent guy.
I can stand on my own two feet.
- Hi.
- We're movin' in with her.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Max, Max, come back here!
- [Julie] I'll get him.
- If he's comin'
back, I'm leavin'.
- Schneider, stay.
- All right, would
you like to tell me
what all this is about
moving back in?
- I'm sorry Shorty, it's
only temporary, okay?
Believe me, nobody wants
us to get a place more than me.
- Wanna bet?
(audience laughs)
- Listen Schneider,
we're really sorry.
I mean, we really appreciate
everything you've done,
and I promise we'll
leave the camper
just the way we found it.
- Are you kidding?
Drag back all those empties?
- You know, Max,
you really impress me.
- Thanks.
- How could anyone so young
accumulate so
much insensitivity?
(Schneider chuckles)
(audience laughs)
- Maybe, maybe
he studied at night.
- What's your excuse?
(audience laughs)
I want all of this nonsense
stopped right now,
you're both being ridiculous.
- Mrs. Romano, why
don't you take it easy.
You're supposed
to be recuperating.
- I know, and my
cardiologist said to let it all out,
go with my feelings, that
it would be good for me.
- All right, then.
- Okay good.
- I just don't like the idea
of some young upstart
moving in on my territory!
- Your territory?
- Your territory?
- Our territory.
- My territory,
gentlemen, you got it?
My territory.
As far as who
runs this apartment,
I signed the lease,
I pay the rent,
and that's the long and
the short of it, capisce?
- [Schneider] Capisce.
- Okay.
Now, I would like to
get all this nonsense
out into the open, so
will you all please be here
tonight for dinner
at seven o'clock?
(audience laughs)
- I'm defrosting
my refrigerator.
(audience laughs)
- We're not having
dinner tonight,
we're planning on fasting.
- Well I'm defrosting.
- Well we're fasting.
- Well I'm gonna defrost.
- Well, we're gonna fast.
- Oh, come on!
Why can't you guys get along?
- Mom, please calm down.
Remember your heart!
- My heart is fine.
You and Schneider give
me a pain somewhere else.
(audience laughs)
Forget it, forget the dinner.
I don't want anybody
doing me any favors.
I don't want you here.
(Schneider chuckles)
(audience laughs)
And I don't want you here.
I would like to have
a nice relaxing dinner.
I certainly don't
need any arguing,
I don't need any bickering,
and I really don't
need any yelling.
- What time is dinner?
- Seven o'clock.
- All right, we'll be here,
but don't expect me to be
my usual, charming, witty self.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider...
- Don't waste your
breath, it ain't gonna work.
- Of course not, I
just wanted to ask you
one little question.
- That ain't gonna
work on me, okay?
- Is it possible that
an inexperienced
25-year-old boy can intimidate
a rugged man of the world?
A man who has seen
action with the sixth fleet?
A man who has enticed
women from all over the world,
a man who... - Seven o'clock?
- Seven o'clock.
- Straight up?
- You bet.
- I'll see ya.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Mom, what's going on?
I mean what's the matter
with these two guys?
- Well, I have a theory.
Before Max came along,
Schneider felt that he
was the man of the family.
- Yeah, now Max
feels the same way.
We are his family.
- They each feel that
we're his territory, I guess.
- You know, I once saw this
National Geographic special.
When the male wolf
wants to mark his territory,
he goes from rock to rock
or tree to tree lifting his...
- Barbara.
(audience laughs)
So much for educational TV.
- Well, I'm here.
Isn't the Tidy Bowl
man here yet?
(audience laughs)
- Max.
- I know, I know, nice.
- Thank you, Max,
it's appreciated, really.
(doorbell rings)
(audience cheers and applauds)
You look very, very nice.
- Thank you, Ms. Romano.
Here's a nice wine for you.
- Hey, great vintage.
Thursday.
(audience laughs)
- Max.
- It's just a little joke.
- Schneider, thank you.
- Welcome.
Your more sophisticated
guests bring gifts.
- I'm not a guest, I'm family.
- You wanna know
about your family...
- I'll give you...
- I'll tell you about
your family...
- Okay, okay, stop
it, stop it, stop it.
Stop it.
This is a peace table.
We're all gonna sit
down, come on, sit down.
Max, why don't you
sit, like there's fine.
Schneider, why don't
you sit over there.
We are going to
have, oh thank you,
a very nice, relaxing dinner
and some pleasant conversation.
(audience chuckles)
(dishes clatter)
- Roast beef is delicious.
My compliments to the chefette.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, Schneider.
- We're glad you like it.
- Eat all you want,
there's plenty more.
- Mm, this broccoli is terrific.
- Thanks, Max.
- We're glad you like it.
(Max clears throat)
- Eat all you want,
there's plenty more.
- Potatoes are exquisite.
- Thanks, Schneider.
- That's nice.
- The buns are wonderful.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks, Max.
- Thanks, Max.
- I've seen some great
napkins in my time,
but I wanna tell you,
these napkins are great.
(audience laughs)
- Fluffiest mashed potatoes
I've ever had the pleasure of...
- Okay okay, ah good.
Thank you, look
we get the message.
On a scale of one to 10,
everything on this table is a 30.
Thank you.
Now can we talk
about something else?
- [Barbara] Great idea, Mom.
(audience chuckles)
- Isn't it interesting about
the haplochromis fish.
(audience laughs)
We're studying them in biology.
Their sex life.
(audience laughs)
Well actually, it's
not really a sex life
because fish can't really, uh.
(audience laughs)
What I mean is that
the male and the female,
they don't, uh.
(audience laughs)
I guess that's why they have
the old expression, poor fish!
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Okay, okay, okay.
Look, I think we better
get all of this out, huh?
Schneider, why
don't you go first.
- I ain't goin' first.
- You might as well,
because I'm not going first.
- I ain't goin' first.
- Okay fine, I'll go first.
- Hold it, pal.
You had your shot.
(audience laughs)
You go first.
- Okay.
- All right then, let's talk
about this openly and honestly.
Okay, calmly.
- Good.
- Just the facts and no emotion.
You make me feel
like a fifth wheel!
In my own family!
- In your family, huh?
In your family!
This family is my family.
I've done more for
this family than anybody
When Barbara's nose was broken,
I was the first one
there to help her.
- You should've
been, you broke it!
(audience laughs)
- And when Mrs.
Romano was foolin' around
with that newspaper
man, who was the one eh,
who was the one who told
her the guy was married?
- Schneider...
- That the wife was
hip to the hanky panky?
That the wife was
headin' up to the mountain
when they were (mumbles).
- I really think that we
get the picture, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Well that was in the
past, and today is today,
and now there's a
man in the family.
- Max.
You're right.
You are in this family.
And we are delighted.
Most of the time.
(audience laughs)
We love you, and we need you,
but you better
understand about this man.
Schneider, you're our
dear friend, and you belong.
You're also a very
important part of this family.
Okay?
Now, I would really like
to hear something rational
from either one of you.
- His slice of roast
beef is bigger than mine.
- Max!
(audience laughs)
- For goodness sakes!
- I sliced mine because
I put in a full day's work!
I need more meat than you have!
When you start workin',
then you'll have a
full piece of meat!
- What is the matter with you?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?
I don't mean to fight.
It's just that he's
always talkin' about
your little family traditions
and your inside jokes,
and he brings up the good
old days just the four of us,
you know, and I feel
left out, you know?
And it's very frustrating
for me, and I get mad.
- Why don't you just try
and get along with him?
- Oh come on, the guy's
always needling me.
He resents me.
- Yes of course,
Max, he resents you.
You're young, and you've
got a wife and someday kids.
You got a job with a future.
He knows it's never gonna
be the four of us again.
- Kid doesn't know his place!
Comes into this family,
he's gotta get along with me!
I mean, I was here first.
- Ah Schneider, can't you
see the boy envies you?
You're a bachelor.
Married men always envy
a bachelor's total freedom.
- That's right, Schneider.
You can do what you want
when you want how you want!
- Well, I can do what and when,
but the days of
how are long gone.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider feels you're
replacing him in the family.
You make him feel
like he's not needed.
- You know what it is?
I think Max feels that
we don't need him.
- And everyone
needs to feel needed.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
- You've got an
education, you travel,
you've got goals and ambitions.
Your best years lie ahead.
- You're older, you're
more experienced.
Of course the boy would
be a little jealous of you.
- And you're so macho.
(audience laughs)
You've even got a
rugged, macho job.
- Yeah, that poor kid.
(audience laughs)
He's probably going
through a living hell
comparing himself to
me day in and day out.
- Schneider.
- Max.
- [Max and Schneider] There's
something I wanna say to you.
- Listen, I'm away
a lot on flights,
and I hate to have to
worry about the girls
being up here by
themselves, you know?
So, and somebody should
be checking up on them.
So here's a key to the new lock.
- Thanks.
You know, I kinda
feel the same way.
I worry about my camper a lot.
You know, there's a
lot of thieves around.
I'd feel a lot
better if somebody
was living in it
regularly, you know?
Here's the keys to the camper.
- Thanks.
- Don't run the
battery down again.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
Hey could we solve the problem
with the cookout
and the party now?
- Oh, good idea.
- Oh sure, listen, no problem.
I got it all figured out.
Schneider look, your
cookout is a family tradition,
and I think everybody
should go with you.
- Ah, Max, come on.
Your party, I mean, that's
very important to you.
I think everybody
should go with Max.
- It's not that important,
you guys have a tradition.
- I insist, please.
- It's four years
you're going on.
- Okay, okay, we'll divide up.
- Good idea.
- Yeah.
- [Max] Divide?
- [Ann] Yeah.
- Well, Julie's your wife,
she should go with you.
- All right, sounds fair.
- And Barbara, you
love the outdoors, right?
- True, yes.
- Okay then, she goes with you.
- (laugh) Okay,
then it's solved.
- All right.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, Max?
- Oh, I think we're
forgetting somebody.
- Oh yeah, uh, let's
we can't, of course.
I tell ya, she's
your mother in law.
She should go with you.
- Are you kidding,
and break a tradition?
She goes with you.
- I tell you what, here, here.
(audience laughs)
Call it.
- Tails.
- (laughs) You lose.
(group chatters)
(audience applauds)
("This Is It" by Jeff
and Nancy Barry)
and Nancy Barry)
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ The is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ Well this is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, la da da dum
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, la da da dum
♪ One day at a time
- Hi everybody.
- Hey, kid.
- Hi.
(audience laughs)
- Do you get the feeling
we're living in Jack Lelanne's?
- Ah, Julie won't let him
do that down in the camper.
- Why not?
- The springs squeak.
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell ya, you know,
it is really nice of Schneider
to let us use his camper,
but I just can't wait until
we can up enough money
to get our own place.
I don't know why
it's so hard to save.
- Where's Julie?
- Shopping for a new dress.
(audience laughs)
What, she's gotta get a dress
for my company
party on Saturday.
- Hey, no fair, I'm going
and I don't get a new dress.
- Well, you're not the wife
of one of the company's
up and coming
young flight attendants
who happens to be
bucking for a better position.
- Max, let me talk to you
about the company
party for a second.
Is it important to you
that Barbara and I go?
- Ah geez, Shorty, I really
wanna show everybody
my new family, why?
- Well, Schneider's lodge
is having its annual cookout.
We've gone for
the last four years.
I don't know, I just didn't
realize it was the same day.
- Well gee, can't
you get out of it.
- I'll try.
- Great, and listen
I've got a dashing pilot
just dying to meet you.
- Oh yeah?
Married?
- Nope.
- Living with somebody?
- Not in Indianapolis.
(audience laughs)
- Cute.
(Max laughs)
- I'm comin' in, I'm comin' in!
Anybody not dressed,
close your eyes.
(audience laughs)
How are you, Ms. Romano?
- [Ann] Okay.
- I thought I would just come up
and fix that loose wallpaper
you've been complaining about.
- Uh Schneider, I know
how busy you've been,
so it's already taken care of.
I did it.
- You did it, eh?
It's not too bad.
Can always hang
a picture over it.
(audience laughs)
Only kidding.
Course, if anybody lost a card,
I could tell 'em
where to find it.
(audience laughs)
What kind of tools
you use on that?
- Eh a little flour, a little
water, and a rolling pin.
- Isn't Max clever?
If we ever get hungry,
we can bake the wall.
- (laughs) Bake the wall.
Well, while I'm here,
I may as well at least
fix this cabinet door.
It's been stickin'
for three weeks.
You?
- Yeah.
- What'd you use on
that, a knife and fork?
(audience laughs)
- I used a screwdriver.
- Look kid, it's nice
that you're helping me
with the little things,
but you don't wanna
get in over your head,
you know what I mean?
I mean for example,
you know, like this door,
now I gotta change
this door lock.
That's something that you
should leave to the pros,
you know?
- Are you saying that I'm not
able to change a door lock?
- Just sayin' that
that's something
that requires a little
mechanical expertise,
and I've been
doin' it all my life.
- That long?
(audience laughs)
- Hi everybody.
- [Max] Hi, baby.
- Hi honey.
Oh look, they had this
terrific sale at Blocks.
- You got two dresses?
- She'll only keep one.
- How do you know?
- Well she always
buys two and keeps one.
Thing is now, we
gotta make a choice.
- There's no contest.
The gray one, I love it.
- Wrong, see in the first place,
your wife's favorite
color is red, right?
- Right.
- It is?
- Always has been,
I mean red is Julie.
It's alive, exciting, wild!
Now Barbara, she's a blue.
Innocent, loyal, sedate.
On the other hand, Ms.
Romano, she's a purple.
(audience laughs)
- Purple?
- A red tryin' to look blue.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, you're right.
The red one.
It'll be perfect
for next weekend.
- Well, you'll be a
knock out, even in red.
- Wait a second, wait a second.
You can't wear a
dress to the cookout,
you won't be able to
enter the wheelbarrow race!
- Schneider, look,
can I talk to you
about that cookout?
- Oh no, no, you're
not gonna enter me
in that pie-eating contest
again against beer-belly again!
- No, no.
- Last year I had a blueberry
smile for three months.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider that's not it.
You see, there's a problem.
You see, Max...
- Ah Max is no
problem, he's invited!
The guys down at the
lodge are gonna love Max.
You're gonna shave
the beard, right?
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, the thing is
see, is that Max's airline
is having a company party
the same day as the cookout.
- Oh, that's too bad.
We're gonna miss ya.
- Uh, Schneider, you see
Max invited us all to go with him.
They're gonna fly
us all up to Chicago.
- You're all gonna go with him?
- Well, Schneider...
- Look, I'm sorry.
I did not realize
there was a conflict,
but this is a family party.
- What do you
think the cookout is?
- Well yeah, but this is
my family, my new family,
and I really wanna...
- Hold it, hold it,
hold it, Skeezix.
This is my family too.
We've been goin' to that
cookout four straight years.
Course, we don't fly
nobody up to the cookout
in a la-dee-dah airplane.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, this is
very important to Max.
There are gonna be
some big people there.
- Big people?
You ever seen beer belly?
(audience laughs)
- Um, Schneider look,
maybe we can split up.
- Hey, good idea.
- Now wait a second, I got
four reservations on the plane.
- Big deal, I bought
four tickets at 5.95 each.
- Ah see, you got four tickets,
you didn't get
one for me, did ya?
- Ah Max, come on.
Schneider bought the
tickets two months ago.
- Oh well gee, I mean, if he
dropped 20 bucks on the tickets
you better go with him.
Don't worry about me,
I'm just the husband.
- Max.
- 23.80!
(audience laughs)
And don't try to dump
no big guilt trip on me!
I would never think
of breakin' up a home
like somebody I know.
- Ah, Schneider, come on.
- It's all right.
Don't worry about me.
I can always go up there alone.
(audience laughs)
- Would you look at this?
Talk about dumping guilt.
What are you runnin'
for, mother of the year?
(audience laughs)
- You just wanna do
this for your job, right?
Right.
And that's the
difference between us.
You care about money.
I care about people.
I get high on life.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Max, what is it
you're trying to prove?
You took what Schneider said
as some kind of a challenge.
- I am just changing this lock
because your Schneider
hasn't gotten around to it.
And because there are
two women living here alone.
You heard about
that master burglar
who broke out of prison, right?
- No, I didn't, where was this?
- Yokahama.
(audience laughs)
- Yokahama, Max,
that's 5,000 miles away.
- Well you know how the
Japanese love to travel.
(audience laughs)
There, now that baby'll
keep out anybody.
(Schneider hums melodically)
(Schneider yells)
Well, it works.
- So I hear.
- Wah!
Ah, I'm sorry about that lock.
I promise I'll
change it this week.
- I already did.
(audience laughs)
- You changed a
lock in my building?
What are you crazy?
You're an amateur.
The union finds out about this,
they're gonna have
a contract out on you.
(audience laughs)
- I was only trying to help.
I know how busy you've been.
Everybody in the building
wants the handyman.
- Handyman?
(audience laughs)
You figure me for a handyman.
- Moderately handy.
- I am the chief supervisory
engineer for all maintenance
in this building!
(audience laughs)
- Would you two
please just cool it?
- You tell Mr. Fix-it here,
that the only screwdrivers
he should be handling
are the one that he
serves on the airplane.
Give me a key to that lock.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know why
you want the key.
You don't live here.
(Schneider groans)
- No, I don't live here.
No, you're right, I don't.
And the reason I don't live here
is because I have a
place of my own to live,
not like some free-loadin',
bearded stewardesses I know.
(audience laughs and groans)
- Oh really?
You want a key?
I'll give you a key.
Here, here's the
key to your camper.
We don't need to
live there anymore.
I happen to be an
independent guy.
I can stand on my own two feet.
- Hi.
- We're movin' in with her.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Max, Max, come back here!
- [Julie] I'll get him.
- If he's comin'
back, I'm leavin'.
- Schneider, stay.
- All right, would
you like to tell me
what all this is about
moving back in?
- I'm sorry Shorty, it's
only temporary, okay?
Believe me, nobody wants
us to get a place more than me.
- Wanna bet?
(audience laughs)
- Listen Schneider,
we're really sorry.
I mean, we really appreciate
everything you've done,
and I promise we'll
leave the camper
just the way we found it.
- Are you kidding?
Drag back all those empties?
- You know, Max,
you really impress me.
- Thanks.
- How could anyone so young
accumulate so
much insensitivity?
(Schneider chuckles)
(audience laughs)
- Maybe, maybe
he studied at night.
- What's your excuse?
(audience laughs)
I want all of this nonsense
stopped right now,
you're both being ridiculous.
- Mrs. Romano, why
don't you take it easy.
You're supposed
to be recuperating.
- I know, and my
cardiologist said to let it all out,
go with my feelings, that
it would be good for me.
- All right, then.
- Okay good.
- I just don't like the idea
of some young upstart
moving in on my territory!
- Your territory?
- Your territory?
- Our territory.
- My territory,
gentlemen, you got it?
My territory.
As far as who
runs this apartment,
I signed the lease,
I pay the rent,
and that's the long and
the short of it, capisce?
- [Schneider] Capisce.
- Okay.
Now, I would like to
get all this nonsense
out into the open, so
will you all please be here
tonight for dinner
at seven o'clock?
(audience laughs)
- I'm defrosting
my refrigerator.
(audience laughs)
- We're not having
dinner tonight,
we're planning on fasting.
- Well I'm defrosting.
- Well we're fasting.
- Well I'm gonna defrost.
- Well, we're gonna fast.
- Oh, come on!
Why can't you guys get along?
- Mom, please calm down.
Remember your heart!
- My heart is fine.
You and Schneider give
me a pain somewhere else.
(audience laughs)
Forget it, forget the dinner.
I don't want anybody
doing me any favors.
I don't want you here.
(Schneider chuckles)
(audience laughs)
And I don't want you here.
I would like to have
a nice relaxing dinner.
I certainly don't
need any arguing,
I don't need any bickering,
and I really don't
need any yelling.
- What time is dinner?
- Seven o'clock.
- All right, we'll be here,
but don't expect me to be
my usual, charming, witty self.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider...
- Don't waste your
breath, it ain't gonna work.
- Of course not, I
just wanted to ask you
one little question.
- That ain't gonna
work on me, okay?
- Is it possible that
an inexperienced
25-year-old boy can intimidate
a rugged man of the world?
A man who has seen
action with the sixth fleet?
A man who has enticed
women from all over the world,
a man who... - Seven o'clock?
- Seven o'clock.
- Straight up?
- You bet.
- I'll see ya.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Mom, what's going on?
I mean what's the matter
with these two guys?
- Well, I have a theory.
Before Max came along,
Schneider felt that he
was the man of the family.
- Yeah, now Max
feels the same way.
We are his family.
- They each feel that
we're his territory, I guess.
- You know, I once saw this
National Geographic special.
When the male wolf
wants to mark his territory,
he goes from rock to rock
or tree to tree lifting his...
- Barbara.
(audience laughs)
So much for educational TV.
- Well, I'm here.
Isn't the Tidy Bowl
man here yet?
(audience laughs)
- Max.
- I know, I know, nice.
- Thank you, Max,
it's appreciated, really.
(doorbell rings)
(audience cheers and applauds)
You look very, very nice.
- Thank you, Ms. Romano.
Here's a nice wine for you.
- Hey, great vintage.
Thursday.
(audience laughs)
- Max.
- It's just a little joke.
- Schneider, thank you.
- Welcome.
Your more sophisticated
guests bring gifts.
- I'm not a guest, I'm family.
- You wanna know
about your family...
- I'll give you...
- I'll tell you about
your family...
- Okay, okay, stop
it, stop it, stop it.
Stop it.
This is a peace table.
We're all gonna sit
down, come on, sit down.
Max, why don't you
sit, like there's fine.
Schneider, why don't
you sit over there.
We are going to
have, oh thank you,
a very nice, relaxing dinner
and some pleasant conversation.
(audience chuckles)
(dishes clatter)
- Roast beef is delicious.
My compliments to the chefette.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, Schneider.
- We're glad you like it.
- Eat all you want,
there's plenty more.
- Mm, this broccoli is terrific.
- Thanks, Max.
- We're glad you like it.
(Max clears throat)
- Eat all you want,
there's plenty more.
- Potatoes are exquisite.
- Thanks, Schneider.
- That's nice.
- The buns are wonderful.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks, Max.
- Thanks, Max.
- I've seen some great
napkins in my time,
but I wanna tell you,
these napkins are great.
(audience laughs)
- Fluffiest mashed potatoes
I've ever had the pleasure of...
- Okay okay, ah good.
Thank you, look
we get the message.
On a scale of one to 10,
everything on this table is a 30.
Thank you.
Now can we talk
about something else?
- [Barbara] Great idea, Mom.
(audience chuckles)
- Isn't it interesting about
the haplochromis fish.
(audience laughs)
We're studying them in biology.
Their sex life.
(audience laughs)
Well actually, it's
not really a sex life
because fish can't really, uh.
(audience laughs)
What I mean is that
the male and the female,
they don't, uh.
(audience laughs)
I guess that's why they have
the old expression, poor fish!
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Okay, okay, okay.
Look, I think we better
get all of this out, huh?
Schneider, why
don't you go first.
- I ain't goin' first.
- You might as well,
because I'm not going first.
- I ain't goin' first.
- Okay fine, I'll go first.
- Hold it, pal.
You had your shot.
(audience laughs)
You go first.
- Okay.
- All right then, let's talk
about this openly and honestly.
Okay, calmly.
- Good.
- Just the facts and no emotion.
You make me feel
like a fifth wheel!
In my own family!
- In your family, huh?
In your family!
This family is my family.
I've done more for
this family than anybody
When Barbara's nose was broken,
I was the first one
there to help her.
- You should've
been, you broke it!
(audience laughs)
- And when Mrs.
Romano was foolin' around
with that newspaper
man, who was the one eh,
who was the one who told
her the guy was married?
- Schneider...
- That the wife was
hip to the hanky panky?
That the wife was
headin' up to the mountain
when they were (mumbles).
- I really think that we
get the picture, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Well that was in the
past, and today is today,
and now there's a
man in the family.
- Max.
You're right.
You are in this family.
And we are delighted.
Most of the time.
(audience laughs)
We love you, and we need you,
but you better
understand about this man.
Schneider, you're our
dear friend, and you belong.
You're also a very
important part of this family.
Okay?
Now, I would really like
to hear something rational
from either one of you.
- His slice of roast
beef is bigger than mine.
- Max!
(audience laughs)
- For goodness sakes!
- I sliced mine because
I put in a full day's work!
I need more meat than you have!
When you start workin',
then you'll have a
full piece of meat!
- What is the matter with you?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?
I don't mean to fight.
It's just that he's
always talkin' about
your little family traditions
and your inside jokes,
and he brings up the good
old days just the four of us,
you know, and I feel
left out, you know?
And it's very frustrating
for me, and I get mad.
- Why don't you just try
and get along with him?
- Oh come on, the guy's
always needling me.
He resents me.
- Yes of course,
Max, he resents you.
You're young, and you've
got a wife and someday kids.
You got a job with a future.
He knows it's never gonna
be the four of us again.
- Kid doesn't know his place!
Comes into this family,
he's gotta get along with me!
I mean, I was here first.
- Ah Schneider, can't you
see the boy envies you?
You're a bachelor.
Married men always envy
a bachelor's total freedom.
- That's right, Schneider.
You can do what you want
when you want how you want!
- Well, I can do what and when,
but the days of
how are long gone.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider feels you're
replacing him in the family.
You make him feel
like he's not needed.
- You know what it is?
I think Max feels that
we don't need him.
- And everyone
needs to feel needed.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
- You've got an
education, you travel,
you've got goals and ambitions.
Your best years lie ahead.
- You're older, you're
more experienced.
Of course the boy would
be a little jealous of you.
- And you're so macho.
(audience laughs)
You've even got a
rugged, macho job.
- Yeah, that poor kid.
(audience laughs)
He's probably going
through a living hell
comparing himself to
me day in and day out.
- Schneider.
- Max.
- [Max and Schneider] There's
something I wanna say to you.
- Listen, I'm away
a lot on flights,
and I hate to have to
worry about the girls
being up here by
themselves, you know?
So, and somebody should
be checking up on them.
So here's a key to the new lock.
- Thanks.
You know, I kinda
feel the same way.
I worry about my camper a lot.
You know, there's a
lot of thieves around.
I'd feel a lot
better if somebody
was living in it
regularly, you know?
Here's the keys to the camper.
- Thanks.
- Don't run the
battery down again.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
Hey could we solve the problem
with the cookout
and the party now?
- Oh, good idea.
- Oh sure, listen, no problem.
I got it all figured out.
Schneider look, your
cookout is a family tradition,
and I think everybody
should go with you.
- Ah, Max, come on.
Your party, I mean, that's
very important to you.
I think everybody
should go with Max.
- It's not that important,
you guys have a tradition.
- I insist, please.
- It's four years
you're going on.
- Okay, okay, we'll divide up.
- Good idea.
- Yeah.
- [Max] Divide?
- [Ann] Yeah.
- Well, Julie's your wife,
she should go with you.
- All right, sounds fair.
- And Barbara, you
love the outdoors, right?
- True, yes.
- Okay then, she goes with you.
- (laugh) Okay,
then it's solved.
- All right.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, Max?
- Oh, I think we're
forgetting somebody.
- Oh yeah, uh, let's
we can't, of course.
I tell ya, she's
your mother in law.
She should go with you.
- Are you kidding,
and break a tradition?
She goes with you.
- I tell you what, here, here.
(audience laughs)
Call it.
- Tails.
- (laughs) You lose.
(group chatters)
(audience applauds)
("This Is It" by Jeff
and Nancy Barry)