One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 9 - Jealousy: Part 1 - full transcript

Julie and Barbara are competing for the affections of the same band musician.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This it life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Where's there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

(synthesizer music)

(funky music)

- Well, what'd you think?

- Oh, wonderful,
terrific, beautiful.

- How about the music?

(audience laughs)

- Hey, let's run it again, okay?


This time no yelling, swooning,
no screams of delight, okay?

- Yeah, I'll try.

- One, two three.

(funky music)

(audience laughs)

(yelling drowned out by music)

(audience laughs)


(audience laughs)

- What are you
guys trying to do?

Make the top 10 on
the Richter scale?

(audience laughs)


(audience laughs)

- Was it too loud?

- Too loud?

They could wake up
the U.S. Congress.

- I want you to meet
Doug, Brian, and Lee.

- Just three guys.

Sounded like 53.

- Thank you.

- This is our very
talented superintendent.

A warm, thoughtful, kind,
considerate human being.

Mr. Dwayne Schneider.

- Stop beating your
gums, it ain't gonna work.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, they need
a place to rehearse.

- Well why don't they
try Big Sky, Montana.

(rimshot drumming)

(audience laughs)

- Come on, Schneider.

Schneider, they really
do have to rehearse

because they have their first

engagement coming up,

and they're working
their way through college.

Not depending on your tax money

or their parents' support.

And Doug, Doug's
poor father is out of a job.

- Yeah, and my mother's sick.

- And my sister's pregnant.

(audience laughs)

- And my ears are spackled.

(audience laughs)

Nice try fellows,
it ain't gonna work.

- Yeah, come on
guys, let's pack it up.

- Yeah maybe we'll go
over to Beverly's house, huh?

- Yeah.

- No, Doug, let me, uh...

(audience laughs)

Can I talk to you alone?

- I'm telling you, Barbara,
it ain't gonna work.

- But, uh, Dwayne.

- Would you stop vamping me.

It's like a cricket
flirting with a dinosaur.

(audience laughs)

Now, then, you know that I
have my noise abatement rules

and I've got to look
after my tenants.

I mean, they got
cakes in the ovens,

they've got
pictures on the wall,

fillings in their teeth.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider.

I really like this guy.

- I've got night workers,
Like Miss LaReau.

- Schneider!

Don't you believe in romance?

- Yes, I believe in romance.

Ask Miss LaReau. (laughs)

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Okay, Schneider,
it'll be all your fault.

If I lose this guy,
I'll shoot myself.

- No guns, too loud.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider!

- All right, maybe
we can compromise.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

If you promise not to fall
through the new awning,

I'll let you jump off the roof.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, Schneider wait,

no, Schneider come
on, be... (groans)


- Well, "Welcome
home from work, Mom."

- I love these warm
greetings, don't you?

- Schneider won't let the band
rehearse in the living room.

- Oh.


(audience laughs)

Ah, band.

- Guys, I'm really sorry
I couldn't convince him.

- Hey it's okay.

- I want you to meet my
mother and sister Julie.

This is Doug, Brian, and Lee.

- [Julie] Hi.

- Hi, Barbara's
told us about you.

- Say look, can I bring my
car around to your garage

and load up?

- Oh, sure, come
here I'll show you

what you have to do.

- Wanna stick around a while?

- I'd like to, see, but we
gotta find us a lead singer.

- Hey, how about Rosemary?

- Get out of here,
she can't even talk.

(audience laughs)

- Who'd notice, with that body?

(audience laughs)

- How about Julie?

- Me?

- Yeah, she's got a great voice.

- Hey, she does, you have
a wonderful voice, Julie.

And that is a totally impartial
opinion of her mother.

(audience laughs)

- Do you have any experience?

- Does she?

Her diary's in
the third printing.

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Barbara.

I sang at some dances
in high school, it's...

- Well great, you
want to try out?

I got to find a singer,
we go on Tuesday night.

- At the Sundowner's Club.

You'll love it, come on.

- Do I get my own dressing room?

- We'll be lucky if we
get one for all four of us.

- All of us in one
dressing room?

I'll give it a try.

(audience laughs)

- Listen, we're gonna be over
there tomorrow about 4:30.

Barbara's coming over so
why don't you come with her?

- Great, yeah.

- Right Julie, we'll see you.

- Bye-bye, Lee.
- Bye.

- Well, better
clean this place up.

- Oh, no, you can do that later.

Why don't we, um, go
get something to eat.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Ma, I'll see you later.

- [Mom] Yeah, bye-bye.

- Bye-bye, kid.

- Bye.


- Well, I think things
are gonna be pleasant

around here for a while.

Twinklebrain's got a crush.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, it's the first boy
that she's been interested in

since Cliff Randall.

- Yeah, what do you
think of this guy Doug?

- Well, get him a haircut
and put him in a suit and tie

and put him into
law school, and gee,

I'd have no objections at all.

(rimshot drumming)

(band warming up)

- Hey Julie, you ready?

- Okay, kid, this is your
chance at the big time.

Get up there and knock 'em dead.

Just remember, your little
sister hocked her tap shoes

to get up there.

- Barbara, come on,
I'm nervous enough.

- Okay.

- I'm nervous too.

You ready?

- No, but let's try it.

Oh boy.

- All right, now,
compose yourself, right.

- Composed.

- One, two, three, four.

(upbeat music)

♪ I been to Chicago

♪ When I lived in St. Paul

♪ I summered out the west

♪ And then I left in the fall

♪ I chased down the spring

♪ Through the month of May

♪ And run for a song
till I captured today

♪ And I'll never leave you

♪ And I'll never
leave ♪ Even if I could

♪ I don't want to
ever be without you

♪ And I'll never leave

♪ And I'll never leave

♪ Something this good

♪ I'd be a fool
to live without you

♪ Took time to find

♪ The love I'm looking for

♪ And you never even tried

♪ To hold me down

♪ And maybe that's the reason

♪ I know that I can stay

♪ 'Cause you give
me space to move

♪ If I need another day

♪ And I'll never leave you

♪ And I'll never
leave ♪ Even if I could

♪ I don't want to
ever be without you

♪ And I'll never leave

♪ And I'll never leave

♪ Something this good

♪ I'd be a fool to live

♪ Without you

(audience applauds)


- Well, what'd you
think guys, huh?

- Eh.
- Ah.


(audience laughs)

- I'd say you're just
barely terrific, all right.

- Then I'm in?

- We've got us a singer.

- Well, how much does it pay?

- Ah, we just lost a singer.

(audience laughs)

- Julie, you are too much.

- How come you're always right?

- Well, what can I say.

I'll see you at home.

- Where you going?

- Oh, I have to
stop by the library,

I have an exam tomorrow.


- I'll see you later.

- Bye-bye.

- Well, what do you say,
you want to run it down again?

- Oh, yeah.

- This time, just give it a
little more energy, all right?

- Oh, what happened
to barely terrific?

- Well that was before you
were getting barely paid.

(audience laughs)

One, two, three, four.

(upbeat music)

- Well, I'll see you
guys tomorrow.

- Bye-bye, Lee.

- All right, see you later.

- Hey, Julie.

Nice going.

- Oh, thanks, Bri.

Uh, Doug, for some
reason I don't remember

seeing Linda Ronstadt
packing up equipment.

- I'm an equal
opportunity employer.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, I'll bet.

- Hey, your sister told me
that you're into dress design.

- Yeah, but it's not
really going any place.

- Don't you like it?

- Oh, I love it.

But I had visions of
being in Paris by now.

- Yeah, I know
exactly what you mean.

I had visions of
being in Nashville.


Hey, you want some coffee?

- Oh, I'd love some.


- Oh man, should have got
reservations for this place, huh?

Maybe I'll talk to the
maitre d', see what I can do.

- Oh, okay.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, look at this,
right up front, front seat.

- What do you know.

- The best for the best.

- You must know someone
very important around here.

- Yeah.

Hey you like cream and sugar?

- Yes, please.

- You got one more chance.

- Ah, black, just
the way I like it.

- Yeah, strong and black.

(audience laughs)

- I thought you left.

- I forgot my jacket.

Julie, you want a ride home?

- Well, that's okay, I'll
give her a ride home.

- Okay, see you guys tomorrow.

- Bye-bye.
- See you later.

- I've been saving for a car.

You know, last year
I needed $2,000.

Now I've got it down to $2,300.

(audience laughs)

- You want transportation?

How'd you like to
buy a '68 Mustang?

- What's it got?

- All the standard stuff.

Four legs, a saddle.

- Oh, Doug, that
is, that's the worst.

- Had to try.

- Barbara tells me
that the two of you

met at a fraternity party.

- Yeah, that's right.

I saw how pretty she was, I
rescued her from this pledge.

- She is pretty, isn't she?

Used to bother me.

Doesn't anymore.

Except when I look at her.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, you know, you don't
have too much to worry about.

- Not too much, is that
the best you can do?

(audience laughs)

- No, you know, you have
one incredibly sexy eye.

(audience laughs)

- Well, what about
the other one?

- Hey, come on, you
ever try to look at two eyes

at one time, you can't do it.

(audience laughs)

You know, you gotta
make a choice, you know.

- You're right, you can't do it.

Uh, Doug, there's a lot more
to Barbara than just her looks.

- Hey listen, you don't
have to keep selling me

on your sister, she's
a lot of fun, okay?

We have a good time
when we're together.

A little immature, but
I like her a lot, okay?

- Okay.

She's not immature.

- All right, she's not
immature, she's perfect.

- She is not perfect!

Her second toes are
longer than her big toes.

(audience laughs)

I better get going.

- Hey wait, uh...

Julie, you know,
you really sing.

- Thank you very much.

Hey, let me help you with this.

- No, let me get that.

- Oh.


You got it.

- Yeah, I got it.

- You got it.

Let me get my jacket here.

- All right, yeah.

(audience applauds)

- [Schneider] All
right, now lower away.

All right, a little
bit to your right,

a little bit to your right!

- [Barbara] All right.

- [Schneider] All
right, now easy.

All right, now touchdown!

You got it.

- [Barbara] Oh, good.

- [Schneider] Good.

- Hey, Barbara, how's
the terrarium coming?

- Perfect, I just finished it.

I hope Doug likes it.

- Likes it?

Of course he's gonna like it.

You made it, didn't you?

That's what counts.

I remember the first
time one of my girlfriends

made a birthday present for me.

A little gal out in Tennessee.

She was 16, I was 11.

(audience laughs)

- 11?

- Yeah, I pubered early.

(audience laughs and applauds)

So, how's the rehearsals going?

Julie still down there singing?

- Oh no, she went to
the movies with Marcie.

- But the big night's coming up.

- Mm-hmm.

Boy, Julie and Doug have
been rehearsing so hard

I've hardly seen
either one of them.

- You, uh, you really go
for this dude, don't you?

- Oh, like a moth to the flame,

like liver to onions,
like corn to pone.

(audience laughs)

- Mother.

- Please, Miss Romano, leave
us not dally with young love.

However I do have
some advice, huh?

Until you are sure, I mean
absolutely sure of this guy,

don't have his name
tattooed over your chest.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, Schneider. (laughs)

I think I'll go get
Doug a birthday card.

- You know, I was
only half kidding.

I remember when I was
stationed in Corpus Christi,

I went to this little social
event in town, you know.

- Uh huh.

- I met this beautiful
girl, Carlotta Hernandez.

- That's a pretty name.

- She popped out of
a cake at a stag party.

(audience laughs)

- Ma, do you think the
drugstore's still open?

- Should be.

- I'm gonna go get that card.

- I fell completely in
love with her, you know.

So I took her over to
the local tattoo parlor.

You know, I wanted to
have "Dwayne loves Carlotta"

engraved right over my heart.

Middle of the engraving,

she took off with
the tattoo artist.

(audience laughs)

Never saw Carlotta again.

- Sad story.

- You think that's sad,
try being in the U.S. Navy

for three and a half years
with a tattoo over your heart

that says "Dwayne loves Carl."

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Hi, Julie, how was the movie?

- Don't ask!

- Well, there she is,
little Miss Nightingale,

how's it going?

- Tweet tweet.

Are there any more
questions or is it okay

if I go to my bedroom?

- Julie!

Julie, what is the
matter with you?

- [Julie] Nothing is the matter,

I don't want to talk about it

with the apartment
blabbermouth in the front room.

- [Mom] Julie!

(door slams)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Okay, you want
to know, I'll tell you,

you're so curious.

- What is the matter with you?

- Mom, I'm sorry.

It's not you, and I didn't mean
to be so rude to Schneider.

Just mad at myself.

- Honey, what is it?

Did you have a
fight with Marcie?

- I, uh, wasn't with Marcie.

I was with Doug, we had a date.

- Julie.

How could you...

- Mom, please, don't say it.

I've already said
it all to myself.

Contemptible, lying, rotten,
back-stabbing and two-faced.

- Julie, Barbara is your sister.

- Oh, thank you for
clearing that up for me, Mom.

(audience laughs)


Ma, I tried to tell Barbara,
I just didn't have the guts.

- Julie, do you
really care for Doug?

- I don't know.

Something's there.

It just happened.

- Things don't just happen.

- This did.

Mom, give me some credit, okay.

When Doug asked me to
go on a date with him tonight,

I said, "Absolutely not, no
way, it's completely wrong!"

And he agreed and I
agreed, and we went anyway.

- How was it?

- Terrific.

Why else would I
be so miserable?

I mean, I felt so guilty I barely
let him kiss me goodnight.

(audience laughs)

- That's just terrific, Julie,

now you and Barbara
can compare notes.

"Tell me, Sis, what
turned you on the most?

"His sense of humor,
his aftershave?"

- Are you having fun, Mom?

- Well, what am I
supposed to do?

Congratulate you for stealing
your sister's latest beau?

If he's worth stealing.

- He's a good person, Mom.

And he likes Barbara.

We just really hit it off.

We share a common interest
in music and I'm more his age.

Don't blame Doug.

Mom, would you
tell Barbara for me?

(audience laughs)

- Well, Julie, you really know

how to keep a mother
from going stale.

- But Mom, she's used to
hearing bad news from you.

(audience laughs)

And besides, you're
more diplomatic.

You could put it so
that she won't hate me.

I don't want to lose my sister.

All we'll have is each
other after you kick off.

(audience laughs)

- You are right about one thing.

I am more diplomatic.

(audience laughs)

No, my love, you've
got two options.

You either tell your sister,

or you forget about Doug.

- I know.

Oh wait, wait, there's
one more possibility!

Suppose she's
tired of Doug by now.

- [Mom] Ooh, Julie,
for heaven's sakes.

- [Julie] Well, Mom...

- I got him four birthday cards.

- Four.

- I couldn't make up my mind.

I didn't know whether
to go cute, funny,

sincere or slurpy.

- I think you might be
safest with the funny one.

- I don't want to be safe.

Look, the slurpy one
says what I want it to say,

but it kind of makes you sick.

(audience laughs)

Don't look, Mom, I might
want to give it to you

for your birthday.

(audience laughs)

help me pick out a card.

- Oh, cards are kind
of personal, Barbara.

- Yeah, look, I'm gonna
go to my bedroom.

There are some things
that need cleaning up.

- Uh, Barbara, would you
come here for a second?

I want to talk to you.

- Sure.

How do you like my terrarium?

Doug says he loves plants
and he has a lot of them

in his apartment.

- Yeah, I know.

He mentioned that to me.

- Well, what is it?

- What's what?

- What you wanted to talk about?

- Well...

- Maybe I'll send
him all four cards.

Four cards to open,
four times to think of me.

- Uh, Barbara, could
you listen to me?

This is really important.

- Julie, why are you
being so serious?

Look, if you want to
borrow some money,

you can have it.

If you want to borrow my
clothes, you can have them, too.

You got me at the perfect time.

Whatever is mine, is yours.

(audience laughs)

- Barbara, what's
happening with Cliff Randall,

do you still like him?

- Sure I do, but we
decided to see other people.

Why did you bring him up?

- To make a point.

- What point?

- Oh, I don't remember.

- [Mom] Yes you do!

(audience laughs)

- Uh, Barbara, I've been
rehearsing with Doug

for about a week now, and
we've gotten to know each other.

And I've found
that I like him, a lot.

- Oh, I'm glad, Sis.

He's really a neat guy.

I mean, I really feel
different around him.

I think about him all the time.

Come on, help
me pick out a card.

I can't make up my mind.

- Sure.

- You like this one?

- Oh, that's nice.

(funky music)

- Hey, all right.

Hey Julie, you can smile now.

Hey, we were terrific!

- What?

Oh, I'm sorry
guys, I didn't hear.

- A-ha!


We broke her eardrums.

(audience laughs)

- Hey listen you guys,
take a little break,

all right, I'm
gonna talk to Julie.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Well, what's bugging you?

- Doug, I tried to tell
Barbara, but I couldn't.

- Then I'll tell her.

- No!

She'll be miserable.

- Well what about us, you
want us to be miserable?

- Yes!



I'm rotten.

- No, I'm the one who's rotten.

- I am more rotten than you are.

- You're absolutely wrong.

I knew how Barbara felt about me

and I came on to you anyway.

- Maybe you're right.

You are more rotten than I am.

(audience laughs)

Doug, remember you
said that I'm mature?

Well, let's be mature.

Let's call it off.

- Oh, come on,
what are you talking...

- No more singing,
no more phone calls,

no more dates, no nothing.

The only right
thing to do is just

to wipe each other
out of our minds.

Here, happy birthday.

- Oh, thanks.


"Forget me
forever, love, Julie."

(audience laughs)

You're crazy, you know that?

You're crazy.

I mean, listen, I don't
want to hurt Barbara

anymore than you do.

It's not as if we're
engaged or anything,

we just had a few
dates, that's all.

She'll get over it.

- Maybe I won't.

Doug, we've got to stop.

- What's the point?

It's not gonna change anything.

You think I can go
out with her now?

- You do and I'll
scratch your eyes out.

- Here, take this back.

I'm not going to forget you.

- Better not.

- See, how could I forget you?


- Well, I guess we're rotten.

- Yeah, I guess we're rotten.

- Surprise.

- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week

for the concluding
episode of Jealousy.

(audience applauding)

("One Day at a Time")

- [Woman] One day a Time
was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.