One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 8 - Peabody's War - full transcript

An elderly resident who refuses to pay higher rent locks himself in the Romano's apartment with a gun and will not release them until he can be on television and explain his case.

("One Day At A Time Theme")

♪ This is it, this is it.

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

(deep breathing)

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, is that you?

- Yeah, it's Schneider.

I didn't mean to interrupt or...

- No, I'm just doing yoga.

- You look like the hood
ornament on a Pierce Arrow.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, did you come
in here to fix something?

- Now listen, I gotta
talk to somebody,

I really gotta talk, you
know what I mean?

What am I gonna,
(audience laughing)

What am I gonna do?

How I'm gonna stop it?

- Stop what?

- Fate is blindfolded, you
know, the ball is rolling.

Justice is jaundice.

- Schneider what is?

- Well.

(audience laughing)

I don't worry your head about
it, you know, Miss Romano,

but you'll find out anyway.

I mean somehow you always

pick up the gossip
in this building.

(audience laughing)

Well alright, I'll tell ya.

Brace yourself.

Guess who's in the lobby?

- Mom there's two
deputy sheriffs in the lobby!

- There's two deputy
sheriffs in the lobby.

(audience laughing)

- Why?

What for?

- They're gonna
evict Mr. Peabody.

- They're gonna
evict Mr. Peabody.

(audience laughing)

- Dear, sweet old Mr. Peabody?

- Right out on the street.

- I tried to help, you
know, I tried to tell him.

- Tell him what?

- Well, tell him to pay
his rent, you know,

ever since the rents went up

he's refused to
pay the increase.

Tore my heart out to
go and get the Sheriff.

(audience laughing)

- You called the Sheriff?

- Yeah, well I,
well I had to do.

The owner, the owner
told me to go call him, yeah.

- You're helping to
evict a dear old man.

- Well, no not really

they're carrying out
all the heavy stuff.

(audience laughing)

- You could have refused.

- Yeah and lose my job.

I mean that's what
hurt so much, you know,

I'm really stuck in the middle.

You know, I even offered to
let, let him move in with me

but he refused.

The old grouch
had the nerve to say

that I'd louse
up his social life.

(audience laughing)

- How can you throw a 74
year old man in a wheelchair

out in the street?

- I didn't, they did.

I'm the innocent instrumentality
of the local government

and I've been going
through hell for three months

because of it and for what?

I mean he blames
me, you blame me.

- Don't forget me.

- Mom you are not
gonna believe this.

You are gonna evict Mr. Peabody?

- So hens lie, there you go.

(audience laughing)

- Okay Schneider, we
understand it wasn't your idea.

- Sure, everybody has
to be a fig now and then.

- All right, that's it,
that's it, that does it.

I gave this thing my best shot,

it didn't work out
and I am through,

I am finished it is done.

I'm washing my
hands in a silver bucket

just like Pompous Pilot.

(audience laughing)

- Julie, have they taken
Mr. Peabody out yet?

- No, he's hiding.

But mom they're gonna
find him sooner or later,

those Sheriff's mean business.

- Poor Mr. Peabody.

- Yeah, he's such a nice man.

But sometimes I don't know
what to talk about to old people.

- Oh, same things you
talk about to anybody else.

(door knocking)

- Mr. Peabody!

- Barbara what can I say
you're a knockout for your size.

(audience applauding)

- Mr. Peabody,
we just found out.

- Red, only you look so
ravishing in a ratty old sweater.

(audience laughing)

Now girls will you
do me a favor?

- Anything, anything.

- Anything?

Hey you might get me
out of this wheelchair yet.

(audience laughing)

Can you look after Larry,
Moe and Curly for me?

- Mr. Peabody why
didn't you tell us?

- And why didn't you come to us?

- Moe is the orange
one with the black bangs,

I got him when I went
trick-or-treating last Halloween.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Peabody the deputies
are here and they're after you.

- You only feed
them twice a week.

Curly's the fat one,
now keep an eye on him,

I think he's pregnant.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Peabody please stop
talking about your fish, mom.

- Mr. Peabody listen, we're
not rich, I'm sure you know that

but I do have some
money saved up.

- Red I don't want your money.

- It would just be a loan.

- I don't want a loan.

Look I've been working
ever since I was 13

and paying taxes in this
country for half a century.

And between the gouges,
the government and inflation,

I can't even pay my rent.

- Yeah it's the whole CL scene.

- CL?

- The cost of living.

We're heavy into
HGW in Social Two.

- Have you noticed
how hard it is

to talk to the kids these days?

(audience laughing)

- Anyway CL is doing this
whole number on fixed incomes,

and I really think it's unfair.

- You have really
got to get out of here,

the Sheriff's are searching
the building door to door.

- Now where is Wonder
Woman when you need her?

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Peabody we can hide you.

- No, Barbara.

- Yes.

- Mom, Mr. Peabody just
needs time to get his bearings

if he could just spend
the night with us.

- No, no, well...

(audience laughing)

Maybe if I was 10 years younger.

- No Julie I don't...

- We can hide in the
bathroom, watch out.

- Yeah, you know no one
would think to look in there,

they'd think that one
of us is taking a shower.

- Right.

- Hey the last time I
doubled up in the shower

was with the nurse at the VA

and she said I had the
body of a 50 year old.

- La de dah.

- Right now let's go girls,

you know this may be a better
idea than what I had in mind.

- Girls wait a minute I think...

- Mom, you just be
calm, cool and collected

and when they burst the door
you just be filing your nails.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

- Now hold it, hold it.

Really this has gone far enough.

We'd be breaking the law,

now I know that sometimes
the law may seem unfair

but nevertheless it is the law
and we have to respect that.

(door knocking)

(Red screams)

You two get into the shower,

Julie you go on
stand on the door

I'm gonna open the
table and nail my fingers.

- Nail your fingers well.

(audience laughing)

- Oh it's you, Schneider.

- Believe me I wish it wasn't.

- Why did you bother to knock?

- I had to ma'am,
official search.

I act now not as your building
maintenance executive,

but rather as a

of the County Sheriff's
Office, may God help me.

- Oh now you want God to
help you throw Mr. Peabody out.

- Look Julie, I have been
a super in this building

for a long long time and
I remember years ago

when we had a change
from our own private cesspool

to the city sewer system,
somebody had to bite the bullet

get down on his hands and
knees and switch the pipes.

Now I'm in the
same kind of mess.

(water hisses)

- Somebody taking a shower?

- Oh boy I need
one after that story.

- Let me go next.

- Wait a second you two,
you're about as clever,

as a screen door in a
submarine, but as it happens,

I am on to your little game.

Alright Peabody, come
on out of that washroom

and come out clean.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, that's Barbara
in there taking a shower.

- Yeah and Lawrence
Welk digs punk rock.

(audience laughing)

Come on Peabody move
that wheelchair out of there

and keep it in low gear.

I don't like doing
this kind of thing.

- How low did you
want it Schneider?

(audience laughing)

- Oh holy moley, you
were right, she was,

I'm sorry I had no.

(audience laughing)

You always take a
shower in your jeans?

- All right Schneider, haha.

You're a regular Charlie Chan.

- Sorry Harvey no
rentie no roomie.

(audience laughing)

Now look I gotta a wheel
you in, so no fast moves.

- Back off wedge head.

(audience laughing)

- Why don't you just
come peacefully?

Will ya, it's for your own good.

- Yeah that's what my
girlfriend said to me the other day

when she tried to talk
me into a vasectomy.

(audience laughing)

- Look you old duck, I don't
like this any more than you do,

but I gotta take ya in.

- All right putty face,

I'm too old to play hide
and seek with real cops,

so the wheelchair stops here.

- Excuse me Mr. Peabody,
what are you talking about?

- I'm not leaving
this apartment.

- Well let's hear it
for Harvey Peabody.

- You tell him.

- I'm sorry but the Sheriff's
are sure to find you.

- Well, they'll
wish they hadn't.

- But they'll be
here any minute.

- Well let them come.

I am taking a hostage.

- What?

Harvey, you're taking a hostage?

What are you talking about?

You're a 74 year old
man in a wheelchair,

how the hell you
gonna take a hostage?

(audience laughing)

So that's how
you're gonna t, take

(audience laughing)

take a hostage.

Now look Harvey, I
mean Mr. Peabody.

You can't possibly hold three
innocent women as hostage.

- You're right mop lip.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

- [Lieutenant] Mr. Peabody.

Mr. Harvey Peabody.

This is Lieutenant Harper.

Lieutenant Jake
Harper, IPD SWAT Unit.

- Oh my god.

(audience laughing)

- [Lieutenant] Mr. Peabody,

I think I know
what's on your mind.

I frequently get angry
and frustrated myself.

So why don't you meet
my down in the lobby

and we'll discuss
this over a root beer?

(audience laughing)

And a game of checkers.

(audience laughing)

- Terrific, maybe I
should wear my beanie.

(audience laughing)

Idiot, he thinks I
need a playmate.

- Julie, why'd you
have to tie me so tight?

- It was my pleasure.

(audience laughing)

- Where are those TV
news people I called?

- Look Peabody.

- Mr. Peabody.

- Mr. Peabody.

Why me?

I mean who oils your wheels?

(audience laughing)

Who got you that
autographed picture of Charo?

(audience laughing)

Who chases your frisbees?

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, shut up.

- Mr. Peabody, on the list
of demands that you wanted

here's what we got.

Number one,

a rental appeal board for
people on fixed income.

- Number two, more
jobs for older people.

- A more realistic approach
to the cost of health care.

- How about a more realistic
approach to my health care?

- Schneider, you're not helping.

- Listen draino mouth
(audience laughing)

I haven't fired this gun

since I arranged my
daughter's wedding.

(audience laughing)

Now don't spoil my record.

- Harvey, I'm not
your perfect hostage,

you know what I'm saying.

I mean, so one
less janitor, so what?

- Right.

(audience laughing)

- [Lieutenant] Mr. Peabody
put the gun down

and come out peacefully.

- Mr. Peabody he's
right, he's really right,

please put that gun
down, it might go off.

(phone rings)

- Hey, if that's the TV people,

tell them I want the TV cameras
right up here in this room.

- Okay, okay.


Mrs. Johnson, what?


Schneider it's Mrs.
Johnson in 505,

she says her sink is overflowing

and she doesn't know what to do.

- Well, tell her to
send some water wings

to Mr. Sackheim in 405
because he can't swim.

(audience laughing)

- Mrs. Johnson,

look Schneider can't come
to the phone right now,

he's sort of tied up.

(audience laughing)

Okay, bye bye.

- And the last
demand is number four.

- Barbara could you hold
it for just a minute okay?

Look, Mr. Peabody
we're with you.

We agree with your demands

but this isn't the
way to go about it.

- You know a better way?

Nobody wants to
listen to an old man,

but they're gonna listen today.

- Mr. Peabody, that SWAT team

isn't out there
to play stickball.

Please could you call it off?

(phone rings)

If that's Mr. Sackheim,
tell him there's a rowboat

and provisions in the basement.

(audience laughing)

- Hello.

Lieutenant Harper.

Uh just a minute sir.

He wants to talk to you.

- I'm not talking to anyone
'til those TV people get here,

it's my last stand.

- Last stands are what this
man deals in, it's his business,

there are armed men
on the rooftops right now.

Please, something
terrible could happen.

- Well, I don't want anything
to happen to you girls.

Or even Judas the
plumber over here.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you.

Lieutenant he'll talk to you.

- No I won't.

I can't miss this
chance to say something

or do something for all the
old people in this country.

- Mom he's right.

- Okay, uh Mr. Peabody
I've got an idea, trust me.

Hello Lieutenant, I am
speaking for Mr. Peabody.

In the spirit of good faith,

he says that he will
release the two young girls

if you promise to
send up a TV crew.

- No mom wait a second.

- Red this effects us too.

I mean in 50 years,
four days and five months

I'm gonna be 70.

(audience laughing)

- Look, he says that he
will bring up that TV crew

if you release all the hostages.

- Oh yeah, that's
called a package deal.

(audience laughing)

- Tell him I may be
old but I'm not senile.

- Lieutenant he will release
only the two young girls

and then only if you
promise that the TV crew

will not be SWAT.

Oh and Lieutenant,

Mr. Peabody says that he
watches nothing but the news

and he knows all the reporters
by their names and faces.

He doesn't very
happy but he said yes.

Um, okay Lieutenant the girls
are on their way down, bye.

Thank you.

Okay girls come
on let's step on it.

- Mr. Peabody, be
careful and we're with you.

- Yeah take care huh.

Oh and here's the list
of demands you wanted.

- Look girls, if, if anything
happens here you,

you tell Beer Belly that
he can have my camper

and my hip boots
and my lady schick,

(audience laughing)

I just use it on peaches.

(audience laughing)

- Good luck Schneider huh.

You've been a great super.

I mean you are a great super.

- Be careful okay.

- Be careful Mr. Peabody.

- [Mr. Peabody] Bye girls.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

- Be careful mommy.

- I love you momma.

- Can't you come with us?

- I'll be okay, I can't come.

All right now be
careful, all right.

- Okay, okay.

Good luck.

- Goodbye.

- Hot damn, it's gonna work.

(Red laughs)

(door knocking)

- Who is it?

- [Chet] Chet Bradley
WZATTV Indianapolis in the field

for the Six O'clock News.

- How can we be sure?

- [Chet] Watch tonight's news.

(audience laughing)

- How can we be sure now?

- Well you must know me?

Chet Bradley, Mr. News,
the one with the glorious hair?

- Bradley, yeah oh yeah,

you're the one with the awful
salt and pepper toupee right?

- [Chet] Oh, that sir
is a matter of opinion.

(audience laughing)

- Well we'll open the door
a crack and you hand it in.

Keep the chain on.

(audience laughing)

- You're talking about a
$750, every use hair piece.

Okay, okay, okay.


(audience laughing)

(Red sneezes)

Bless you.

- $750?

Looks like a mole
with the mange.

- Yeah that's his hair all
right, now listen Bradley,

if I see one cop when that
door opens the first bullet

out of this .44 is is
going to be heading

for that sick muskrat you
wear on top of your head.

- No, no, no, don't, don't.

It's just me and my TV crew.

Why if I were lying to you,

my credibility as a
top notch media...

- All right, all right,
all right, can the bull.

Now, you can come
in when I count to three.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- One.



- Hi folks, Chet Bradley
here number one field reporter

in the tri-state area.

Oh may I have my hair.

(audience laughing)

- Please that
glare is killing me.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you very much.

We've been together a long time.

- Kind of stuck on
each other huh (laughs).

- Leave the humor to me.

(audience laughing)

All right now Mr. Peabody,

if you just turn and
face your hostage

and hold that gun
right at his temple.

- Listen Bradley, if
you don't want to be

in tomorrow's
headline get on with it.

- Sure.

- Five seconds.

- Five seconds.

- Is it live?

- Yes sir this is live.

Good evening Chet
Bradley on the scene

at 1344 Hartford Drive where
an old man in a wheelchair

has apparently hijacked
a two bedroom apartment.

(audience laughing)

His hostage a garbage man.

(audience laughing)

- Maintenance executive.

(audience laughing)

- That was the voice of a
hostage who is being held

at gunpoint by the
hijacker, Harry Peabody.

- Harvey Peabody, it's Harvey.

- That was the voice of
the garbage man's wife.

(audience laughing)

- No, no I'm not his wife.

- Rumor has it that she
is romantically involved

with fellow the hijacker.

(audience laughing)

- Listen.

Listen ragtop, the only thing
you've gotten right up to now

is that I am an old man.

So cut the palaver and
turn the camera on me

before I shoot you
as a public service.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- Wow-ee, ladies and
gentlemen without further ado,

WZATTV, once again
scooping its competition,

proudly presents demand
at all of Indianapolis

is talking about our
very own septuagenarian

hijacking, lawbreaker
Harold Peabody.

- Harvey.

- Peabody.

- Hello.

Now I'm not asking for
any sympathy or a miracle

or anything like that.

I'm 74 years old and
I have all my faculties.

I mean, well, what
I'm trying to say

is that I'm not
some crazy old coot

who's gone bananas.

(Schneider laughs)

You shut up.

(audience laughing)

There are 31
million of us old folks

and I've grown
old in this country

which I've helped to
support for 57 years,

but now I'm powerless.

They raised my rent
three months ago,

which I can't handle
on my social security

and after 17 years
in the same building,

today the Sheriff
came to evict me.

- And that Henry is when
you started shooting?

- It's Harvey and there
hasn't been any shooting

for heaven...

- Well now,

now they're throwing me
out and the chances are

I'll have to move to some dump

where I might get mugged
the third of every month.

It seems that country
takes our youth

and stores us up
till we disappear.

Well, I'll be damned
if I'll be put on waivers

by the Pepsi generation.

Being old doesn't mean to
say we're finished and helpless,

on the contrary, we
old folks are very useful.

So for God's sake
give us a chance.

Now everybody
let's hear it for 80.

- Yeah.

- Let's here it for 90.

- Yeah.

Lets hear it for 100!

(audience applauding)

Here, it's not loaded.

- Let's hear it for
you Mr. Peabody.

- It's not loaded?

My fingers are purple
and it's not loaded?

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Peabody, we saw
you on TV next door,

you were wonderful.

- You were magnificent.

Even the SWAT
team was applauding.

- Harvey Peabody I'm Lieutenant
Jake Harperour IPD SWAT,

you're in violation
of a felony statute.

- Now hold it,
hold it lieutenant

I've had my say and here
is the rent money I owe.

- The gun wasn't loaded
and you had the money.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Well I had some of it
earmarked for eating.

Well considering everything

I think the owners of
this building will accept it

so that gives me
at least one month

before I figure
out my next move.

- Mr. Peabody I wasn't
talking about the rent,

I was referring to
taking a hostage.

- [Mr. Peabody] Hostage.

- Oh, a hostage, I'm
a, I'm not a hostage.

(audience laughing)

No, no no.

You got that wrong, we
were having a festival here.

(audience laughing)

We were having a rope festival,

you know you heard of
the Mexican Hat dance?

We're doing the Bulgarian
chair dance, right girls?


(everyone sings over each other)

(audience applauding)

(upbeat jazz music)

- [Announcer] One Day
At A Time was recorded

live on tapes before
studio audience.