One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 21 - The Broken Nose - full transcript
When Schneider accidentally breaks Barbara's nose, she learns a lesson about life, beauty and herself.
♪ This is it this is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
(banging)
- Schneider.
(banging)
(signing)
(audience laughs)
(banging)
- Schneider, would
you please stop that.
I'm trying to concentrate.
- And I am trying
to hang a door.
A very elusive
piece of carpentry.
But, I shaved it
down just right.
Goes right over the carpeting,
snugs right into the door jam.
- Thank you, thank
you, Schneider.
(audience laughs)
- What are you doing,
a little homework?
- No, I'm going over my routine
for the athletic awards
our school is having.
I'm this year's presenter.
- Oh, wow, that's terrific.
- Yeah, I'm a little
excited about it.
- You should be, some
day you could be a presenter
on Oscar night out in Hollywood.
- Oh, come on.
- No, can't you just
imagine the thrill
being on the same stage
Evander Carlo and Victor Mature?
(audience laughs)
Ah, that's all the top athletes
at Jefferson High, huh?
- We start off the evening
with a few introductory remarks
with Coach Barner.
- (laughs) Oh, Barner, I know
him, oh give 'em hell, Barner.
- Yeah.
- Boy, when he gets going,
he's a real burn barner,
you know what I mean?
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, so Coach Barner
talks for about a minute,
and then, and
then the good part,
I hand out the first football
trophy most valuable player.
Okay, you be the
football player, okay.
- Oh (mumbles)
(audience laughs)
- Okay, here ya go
fella, shall I wrap it up,
or will you eat it here?
(audience laughs)
- Are you gonna say that?
- Oh, oh, yeah, that's
why they picked me
to be trophy girl,
because I can come up
with little jokes like
that, you know (laughs).
- [Schneider] Yeah.
- Well, uh, uh, just
listen to the little routine
I picked for the
basketball awards.
Okay, you be the
basketball player this time.
- Okay, I'll be the basket
ball, well okay, here we go.
(pretend ball bouncing)
(audience laughs)
- Here ya go,
fella, and stand up
when you're getting an award.
- (laughs) Stand up.
- And don't go away.
- Why?
- I wanna interview your knees.
- (laughs) my knees,
hey, you know something.
You really are very sharp.
You should come down
to the lodge on talent night.
- Oh no.
- Really, you're as
funny as Harry Crost
and his trained turtle.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, turtle?
- Yeah, Harry holds him
by the tail, and the turtle
he bobs his head to the beat of
♪ He's the boogie woogie
bugle boy of Company B
(audience laughs)
- I don't think I can do that.
(doorbell ringing)
- They one tried to do it to
the Flight of the Bumblebee
the turtle almost
killed himself.
(audience laughs)
His shell got soft
and everything.
- Hi, Mr. Schneider
- Hey, how are you.
You know Bob, you need a hobby.
- Huh, what do you
call all this photograph.
Oh, one of those little
understated jokes of yours.
You shouldn't try to slip
those by me, old buddy.
I'm just a shade too hip.
(audience laughs)
- Hi ya, Bob, why
all the equipment?
- Well, the polar
ice cap is melting
and I had to get all this
gear up above street level
before the flood comes.
Two can play at that
game, Schneider.
(audience laughs)
No, actually, I'm the new
official feature photographer
for the school paper.
They wanted me to do a
layout on Barbara since she's
this year's trophy girl.
And they always pick
the prettiest girls for that.
- Is that all you guys
can ever think of?
Pretty?
I happen to have
some brains you know.
- Brains are hard to photograph.
- He's right, I've never
seen a nude IQ in Playboy.
(audience laughs)
- If they wanted a sex pot,
why didn't they
get Anita Hainey?
She wanted the job bad enough.
- She know anything
about athletes?
- Are you kidding?
She thinks the difference
between a tight end
and a split end is
a good cream rinse.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, could you let
me do this, please?
- Oh, sure.
- Listen, I gotta clean up
my mess in the bedroom.
Where's the dust pain?
- Under the sink.
- Under the sink he goes.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, you just go ahead and
do whatever you were doing.
I'll just make myself
totally unobtrusive.
(banging)
The trick of the
action photographer
is to become totally invisible.
Just melt into his surroundings.
(audience laughs)
- Gee, I wonder where Bob went.
(audience laughs)
- It ain't under the sink.
- Look under the bar.
- [Schneider] Under the bar.
- I'm gonna need
some candid shots.
Something carefree and mindless.
I've got it, Barb, romp around
the room with a beach ball.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, please,
let me clean up, okay.
- Nah, nah, it's my mess.
- No, no, no, no,
please, let me do it.
- Really.
- I can't get anything done
with Mr. Candid Camera here.
- Aw, I made her mad.
- Ah, she's just worried
about the award presentation.
Listen, you know, you
schlepped all this stuff over here,
and I was thinking if you
don't wanna wasted trip
maybe you might wanna take
a picture of me and Miss LaRue.
She's very photogenic.
(audience laughs)
She's appeared in several
decks of playing cards.
(audience laughs)
Four of hearts, six of diamonds.
One deck, she was on every card.
And if you shuffled
them real fast, you could.
How old are you?
(audience laughs)
nevermind, nevermind,
I'm gonna help Barbara.
That's a big mess in there.
Hey Barb.
(thump) (screaming)
- [Barbara] Oh my nose.
- What happened?
- [Barbara] Oh my
nose, oh my nose.
- Uh oh.
- Oh, oh.
- Hey Bob, come, holy
mackerel, let me see.
How could I have done it?
I mean me, me of
all people, you know.
I'm always so careful.
- It just happened,
Mr. Schneider.
You didn't mean it.
Heck it was the kind
of thing I might do.
You know, dumb.
(audience laughs)
- But, I mean, I'm an
expert on industrial safety,
you know, care in
the home, you know,
I mean this year, my union
they gave me their annual award,
safety and accident prevention.
- The sap award?
- [Schneider] Yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Look, don't be so
tough on yourself.
- Bob, it was my fault.
I may have broke
that kid's nose.
That helpless,
teenage, female nose.
(audience laughs)
What I did to that beautiful
little face, you know,
so brutal, as if an animal.
(audience laughs)
- Don't worry, you
didn't mean to hit her.
(audience laughs)
Boy, she's sure been
in there a long time.
- Well, Miss Romano
should be here any minute.
I called and left a
message at the office.
Oh, it's all right, I didn't
say anything to frighten her
I just told her that you and I
brought Barbara over
here to Dr. Fairmont.
Don't worry about the
bloodstains in the rug.
(audience laughs)
They come right
out with cold water.
(audience laughs)
What did I do to deserve this?
- Ah, what happened to Barbara?
- Mrs. Romano, the doctor's
treating her right now.
- What happened?
- Miss Romano, please,
now just promise me
no matter what that you're
not gonna hate me forever.
- I don't hate you,
what happened.
- I wouldn't do anything to
hurt Barbara, you know that.
- I know that.
- I love Barbara.
- Yes, we all love
Barbra, what happened?
- Okay, okay, you
know Barbara's nose?
- Yes.
- Well, I bruised it.
- Bruised?
- Bent, bent, I bent.
- Bent?
- I bent, I bent it.
- You bent.
- I may have broken her nose!
- Broke her nose?
- I opened the door, I didn't
know she was behind it.
- Oh God, I gotta see
Barbara this minute.
- Mrs. Romano, don't panic.
We don't know for
sure if it's broken.
- Yeah, right, it could
still all be in one piece.
Two at the most.
(audience laughs)
Oh.
- Oh my God.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, Barb, what's new?
(audience laughs)
- Dr. is she?
- It's all right
Ann, it's all right.
I've got her pretty heavily
sedated, she's comfortable.
- Oh baby, come on.
- Oh, look what I did to her.
- Barbara, why don't you just
have a seat here for a minute.
- [Ann] Come on baby.
- Sit down.
- Sit right down, easy.
- There we go, baby.
- Listen, doctor,
is Barbara's nose,
is it, bra-bra-bra, broken?
(audience laughs)
- No, we took some x-rays,
the bone is not broken.
- Oh, thank God.
- Thanks God.
- However the
cartilage was off center.
- [Schneider And Bob] Ew!
(audience laughs)
- So, I just molded
the nose back in shape.
- [Schneider And Bob] Ew!
(audience laughs)
- You mo-mo-molded,
you, you, just.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, doctor, is Barbara
gonna look different?
- No, I think she's
gonna be just fine.
- Think?
- What do you mean?
- Well, the chances
are the nose'll probably
look just about the same.
We can never be 100%
sure about these things.
Do bring her back next
week and we'll take a look at it.
- I'll be back, but I
don't wanna look at it.
(audience laughs)
- Now, I want you
to be very careful
that she doesn't roll over
on her face in her sleep.
We don't wanna restart
any of the bleeding
that could leak into the sinus.
- Oh.
- Listen, if she needs any
blood, I know a couple a guys
who can get you all
the blood you want.
(audience laughs)
- And look, Ann.
- Yes.
- Make sure she keeps
those bandages on.
I mean it's important we
avoid any possibility of infection.
- Right, right.
- And to minimize the pain,
you get that
prescription filled.
And if there's anything
else you wanna know,
an questions,
don't hesitate to call.
- Okay, thank you
so much, doctor.
Can we go home?
- Yes, of course.
- Barbara it's all right,
you can go home now.
- Easy Barbara.
- Come on, baby.
- Okay, you take all of this.
- Come on, honey.
- That's all right, darling,
you're gonna be just fine.
You just hang in there.
- Thank you, doctor,
really, thank you.
- Thanks a lot, doctor,
we'll see you in a week.
(audience laughs)
It was an accident.
I didn't mean it, you
know, it was an accident.
Do you understand?
You're sitting there,
you're looking at me
like I'm Woody Hayes.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
An accident, say something.
(audience laughs)
Why not?
- My jaw is wired.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, babe, how goes the nose?
- You mean the trunk?
- Oh, come on,
it's not that bad.
- Oh, no, it'll be great
looking in the mirror
and seeing Dumbo staring back.
(audience laughs)
- All right, darling, I want
you to look on the bright side.
It's a lot better than
breaking your leg
and being stuck in
a cast for months.
- I would much
rather have a cast.
I'm not going to go to
school and have people
autograph my nose.
(audience laughs)
Now I gotta call the
awards committee chairman
and have them get Anita
Haynie for Friday night.
- Oh, honey, today is Saturday.
Friday is a long way
away, you don't have
to make up your mind
about that right now.
- I'm not going like this.
- All right, don't get
your nose out of joint.
(audience laughs)
Just, a figure of speech.
- I liked my nose, it
went well with my face.
(audience laughs)
- All right, honey,
look, the doctor said
you're probably
going to be just fine.
- But he didn't say definitely.
- I know, but why
expect the worst, huh?
- Oh, yeah, I'm
just being silly.
- Yeah.
- There goes marriage.
(audience laughs)
(doorbell ringing)
No, Mom.
(audience laughs)
- [Ann] Okay?
- Yes.
- Hi, Barbara, don't
worry, it's Schneider.
- Come back to finish me off?
(audience laughs)
- Ah, Barbara, you
don't know the torments
I've been going
through, you know.
I mean, all last night I had
these horrible nightmares,
you know, like I'd close the
elevator door on your neck.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, Schneider.
- Or, I'd take all the garbage,
but I throw you in the truck.
(audience laughs)
- I don't think that's.
- Or, I'm waxing
the foyer, right.
And I look down, and I'm
scrunging your nose back and forth.
(audience laughs)
- [Barbara] Oh,
Schneider, I forgive you.
- You mean it?
- [Barbara] Yes, I mean it.
- Okay, I'll never
wax your nose again.
I got a little
something here for you.
I cut it out of my windowsill
garden this morning.
A little posey for the nosey.
- Ah no, no, ah not that.
- What?
- Not that kind of flower,
no, no, no, she's allergic.
- Allergic?
(yelling over each other)
- Tickle the roof of your
mouth with your tongue.
(exhaling)
- Oh just leave me alone.
- Wow, that was a close call.
- Yeah.
- I don't know what I
was thinking of, you know,
I mean in her condition.
It's like bringing
roses to Newcastle.
(audience laughs)
I'm glad nothing
happened, I'll see you later.
- Oh, hi Mr. Schneider.
- Are you crazy?
(audience laughs)
Bringing flowers to that girl.
She's got a busted
nose with an allergy
right in the middle of it.
Her head could explode.
(audience laughs)
Kids today, get in here.
(loud sneezing)
(audience laughs)
- Gee, Miss Romano,
I almost killed Barbara.
- No, no, you didn't, Bob.
- Well, how is our
little patient, anyway?
- As well as could be expected.
- Can I see her?
- No, Bob, she's not
receiving visitors today.
- I'm not just a visitor,
I'm her best friend.
I mean, we sat next
to each other in health.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, Bob, I know how
close the two of you are.
But, I just don't
think it's too wise
that she see anyone today.
- Oh, I know what
you're thinking.
That I'll be tactless
and say the wrong thing.
But, I'm Barbara's
friend, and I'll love her
even if her face ends up
looking like a 10 car pile up.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, hi, Bob.
- Oh, hi, Barb.
Hey Barb, listen, it'll be okay,
they work miracles
with plastic surgery.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, Bob.
- I mean, they could
take the Incredible Hulk
and turn him into
Suzanne Somers.
(audience laughs)
(audience groans)
- I think that's a different
kind of surgery, Bob.
(audience laughs)
- Do you have to
stare at my nose?
- Oh hey, I was never
a nose man, anyway.
I mean, men very rarely
notice a woman's nose.
- Even when it looks
like a cucumber?
- Hey, what about
the awards banquet?
It's gonna be kinda hard to
read your notes over that thing.
- I'm not going.
- But, you've got
to, you're trophy girl.
- The can get Anita Haynie.
- Yeah, her nose
could be on backwards
and nobody'd notice it.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, hey, gee wiz,
it's getting real late,
and I bet you have to run
home for dinner, don't ya?
- Oh no, Miss
Romano, I can stay.
- No, you can't stay, Bob, no.
- Oh, right, I can't.
- [Ann] Yeah, right.
- Listen, don't worry, Barb.
Your nose'll look great.
- Oh, Bob, please don't
say anything at school, okay?
Tell 'em I'm sick or something.
- Okay, would you like a picture
to show your kids someday?
- Mom!
- Ah, goodbye, Bob,
bye Bob, no pictures, no.
- Oh, Cliff, I know we
had a date, but I can't go
to the award's banquet tomorrow.
Look, I have a very bad cold.
No, no, Cliff, I don't
care what Bob told you.
I did not become a nun.
(audience laughs)
No, no Cliff, I don't want
you coming over here.
It's contagious.
Look, I've got a sore
throat, swollen glands,
I've got a rash.
- A nagging backache.
- A nagging backache.
Cliff, can I call you
back later, please?
Thank you.
- Darling, he's going
to know what happened
when you go back to school.
Which hopefully will
be very, very, soon.
- I am not going back
to school with this blimp
between these two black eyes.
- Barbara, I really feel
bad about your nose,
you know that, but you've
had six days of sympathy,
which is rapidly
turning into irritation.
- That makes two of us.
- Not about your nose.
- What else is there?
- Plenty, I thought you
liked yourself better than that.
You've got a lot more
going for you than your looks.
And you know it.
- No, I don't know it, Mom.
I've been lying to myself.
It's like a millionaire saying
money is not important.
My looks were important to me.
I just didn't know how much.
- Barbara, you are a pretty
girl, odds are you will always
be a pretty girl, but
even if you weren't
you've got a lot of other
things going for you.
- I'm not so sure about that.
For instance, I've never
even gotten a traffic ticket.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me?
- Well, I've been stopped
for speeding, only once,
okay, twice.
But the policeman
never gave me a ticket
and it wasn't because I
had sparkling conversation.
- All right, Barbara, but
the point of the matter is.
- The guy at the
cafeteria always gives me
free cookies and it's not
because of a great wit.
- Yes, but I still believe.
- Let's face it, Mom, I get
away with murder and I like it.
(audience laughs)
- All right, Barbara, I don't
think there's anything wrong
with getting special attention,
as long as you don't
depend on it to get by.
- But, don't you see, I
have been depending on it,
and I just didn't know how much.
Do you know who
Sally Henshaw is?
- [Ann] No, I don't think so.
- Well, she's a girl at school,
she's kind of plain looking
but sometimes I really envy her.
I mean, she has lots of friends,
and she gets lots of dates.
- [Ann] So do you.
- But it's different.
Sally knows there's
more to her than her looks.
I'm not so sure.
When a guy asks
me out, I'd like to know
if it's me that he really likes.
It's scary.
I may have to rely on
something I'm not so sure I have.
- Well, I guess I don't know
you as well as I thought I did.
I want you to listen
to me, young lady.
You are one prize
package, and I am more
than a little startled that
you don't realize that.
- Oh, I realize it, but
will anybody else?
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, my glasses.
- Okay?
- [Barbara] Yes.
- Hi, Miss Romano.
- [Ann] Hi, Bob.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Oh, hi, Bob.
- Can I come in?
- Are you alone?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- See, just me, and
Chuck, and Dave, and Tiny.
- Hey, Barbara.
- Hello, Barbara.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, guys.
I'm gonna kill you, Bob.
(audience laughs)
- Barb, we're here
because we love you.
Because these guys
as heads of the football,
basketball, and baseball
teams have a favor to ask you.
- Right, we want you
to be our trophy girl.
- No, I can't.
- But, you're the
one the guys picked
and they still want you.
- With this dumb
thing on my nose?
- What thing?
Oh, yeah, I see it now.
- Gotta learn to block
with your shoulders.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, have you
been putting us on?
I mean, she looks
in good shape to me.
- Yeah, her arms work.
- Oh, Chuck.
- Her mouth works.
- Told ya you didn't
have to bring us up here.
She'll be at the banquet.
- Come on, let's go.
- No, no, no, I didn't
say that I was going.
- But, they want you.
- Oh, you're all
just being nice.
- Who's being nice?
You sure have a
short memory, kid.
Remember when I broke my
ankle sliding into second base?
Who always visited
me at the hospital?
- Yeah, and if it hadn't
been for your tutoring,
I'd have never passed
advanced algebra.
- Personally, you've
never done a thing for me.
(audience laughs)
I just like ya.
- We all like you.
- Besides, we need a
few laughs at the banquet.
You look pretty funny.
- Oh, okay, if I'm
in such demand.
(cheering)
- We'll see you tomorrow.
- Oh, nice talking
to you Miss Romano.
- Yeah.
- [Bob] See you, guys.
- See you later.
- See you later.
- [Chuck] Take it easy, Bob.
- [Anne] Bye.
- Oh, Bob, thank you
- Hey, you're my
favorite person.
(audience applauds)
- Were they just being
nice, or don't they care
if I look funny?
- What do you think?
- I guess it doesn't matter.
Either way, to them I'm okay.
- Guess so.
- Maybe I'll paint it
red for the banquet.
(audience laughs)
- If you put blue
there, and then gold.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
- [Bonnie] One Day
At A Time was recorded
live on tape before
a studio audience.
(orchestra music)
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
(banging)
- Schneider.
(banging)
(signing)
(audience laughs)
(banging)
- Schneider, would
you please stop that.
I'm trying to concentrate.
- And I am trying
to hang a door.
A very elusive
piece of carpentry.
But, I shaved it
down just right.
Goes right over the carpeting,
snugs right into the door jam.
- Thank you, thank
you, Schneider.
(audience laughs)
- What are you doing,
a little homework?
- No, I'm going over my routine
for the athletic awards
our school is having.
I'm this year's presenter.
- Oh, wow, that's terrific.
- Yeah, I'm a little
excited about it.
- You should be, some
day you could be a presenter
on Oscar night out in Hollywood.
- Oh, come on.
- No, can't you just
imagine the thrill
being on the same stage
Evander Carlo and Victor Mature?
(audience laughs)
Ah, that's all the top athletes
at Jefferson High, huh?
- We start off the evening
with a few introductory remarks
with Coach Barner.
- (laughs) Oh, Barner, I know
him, oh give 'em hell, Barner.
- Yeah.
- Boy, when he gets going,
he's a real burn barner,
you know what I mean?
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, so Coach Barner
talks for about a minute,
and then, and
then the good part,
I hand out the first football
trophy most valuable player.
Okay, you be the
football player, okay.
- Oh (mumbles)
(audience laughs)
- Okay, here ya go
fella, shall I wrap it up,
or will you eat it here?
(audience laughs)
- Are you gonna say that?
- Oh, oh, yeah, that's
why they picked me
to be trophy girl,
because I can come up
with little jokes like
that, you know (laughs).
- [Schneider] Yeah.
- Well, uh, uh, just
listen to the little routine
I picked for the
basketball awards.
Okay, you be the
basketball player this time.
- Okay, I'll be the basket
ball, well okay, here we go.
(pretend ball bouncing)
(audience laughs)
- Here ya go,
fella, and stand up
when you're getting an award.
- (laughs) Stand up.
- And don't go away.
- Why?
- I wanna interview your knees.
- (laughs) my knees,
hey, you know something.
You really are very sharp.
You should come down
to the lodge on talent night.
- Oh no.
- Really, you're as
funny as Harry Crost
and his trained turtle.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, turtle?
- Yeah, Harry holds him
by the tail, and the turtle
he bobs his head to the beat of
♪ He's the boogie woogie
bugle boy of Company B
(audience laughs)
- I don't think I can do that.
(doorbell ringing)
- They one tried to do it to
the Flight of the Bumblebee
the turtle almost
killed himself.
(audience laughs)
His shell got soft
and everything.
- Hi, Mr. Schneider
- Hey, how are you.
You know Bob, you need a hobby.
- Huh, what do you
call all this photograph.
Oh, one of those little
understated jokes of yours.
You shouldn't try to slip
those by me, old buddy.
I'm just a shade too hip.
(audience laughs)
- Hi ya, Bob, why
all the equipment?
- Well, the polar
ice cap is melting
and I had to get all this
gear up above street level
before the flood comes.
Two can play at that
game, Schneider.
(audience laughs)
No, actually, I'm the new
official feature photographer
for the school paper.
They wanted me to do a
layout on Barbara since she's
this year's trophy girl.
And they always pick
the prettiest girls for that.
- Is that all you guys
can ever think of?
Pretty?
I happen to have
some brains you know.
- Brains are hard to photograph.
- He's right, I've never
seen a nude IQ in Playboy.
(audience laughs)
- If they wanted a sex pot,
why didn't they
get Anita Hainey?
She wanted the job bad enough.
- She know anything
about athletes?
- Are you kidding?
She thinks the difference
between a tight end
and a split end is
a good cream rinse.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, could you let
me do this, please?
- Oh, sure.
- Listen, I gotta clean up
my mess in the bedroom.
Where's the dust pain?
- Under the sink.
- Under the sink he goes.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, you just go ahead and
do whatever you were doing.
I'll just make myself
totally unobtrusive.
(banging)
The trick of the
action photographer
is to become totally invisible.
Just melt into his surroundings.
(audience laughs)
- Gee, I wonder where Bob went.
(audience laughs)
- It ain't under the sink.
- Look under the bar.
- [Schneider] Under the bar.
- I'm gonna need
some candid shots.
Something carefree and mindless.
I've got it, Barb, romp around
the room with a beach ball.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, please,
let me clean up, okay.
- Nah, nah, it's my mess.
- No, no, no, no,
please, let me do it.
- Really.
- I can't get anything done
with Mr. Candid Camera here.
- Aw, I made her mad.
- Ah, she's just worried
about the award presentation.
Listen, you know, you
schlepped all this stuff over here,
and I was thinking if you
don't wanna wasted trip
maybe you might wanna take
a picture of me and Miss LaRue.
She's very photogenic.
(audience laughs)
She's appeared in several
decks of playing cards.
(audience laughs)
Four of hearts, six of diamonds.
One deck, she was on every card.
And if you shuffled
them real fast, you could.
How old are you?
(audience laughs)
nevermind, nevermind,
I'm gonna help Barbara.
That's a big mess in there.
Hey Barb.
(thump) (screaming)
- [Barbara] Oh my nose.
- What happened?
- [Barbara] Oh my
nose, oh my nose.
- Uh oh.
- Oh, oh.
- Hey Bob, come, holy
mackerel, let me see.
How could I have done it?
I mean me, me of
all people, you know.
I'm always so careful.
- It just happened,
Mr. Schneider.
You didn't mean it.
Heck it was the kind
of thing I might do.
You know, dumb.
(audience laughs)
- But, I mean, I'm an
expert on industrial safety,
you know, care in
the home, you know,
I mean this year, my union
they gave me their annual award,
safety and accident prevention.
- The sap award?
- [Schneider] Yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Look, don't be so
tough on yourself.
- Bob, it was my fault.
I may have broke
that kid's nose.
That helpless,
teenage, female nose.
(audience laughs)
What I did to that beautiful
little face, you know,
so brutal, as if an animal.
(audience laughs)
- Don't worry, you
didn't mean to hit her.
(audience laughs)
Boy, she's sure been
in there a long time.
- Well, Miss Romano
should be here any minute.
I called and left a
message at the office.
Oh, it's all right, I didn't
say anything to frighten her
I just told her that you and I
brought Barbara over
here to Dr. Fairmont.
Don't worry about the
bloodstains in the rug.
(audience laughs)
They come right
out with cold water.
(audience laughs)
What did I do to deserve this?
- Ah, what happened to Barbara?
- Mrs. Romano, the doctor's
treating her right now.
- What happened?
- Miss Romano, please,
now just promise me
no matter what that you're
not gonna hate me forever.
- I don't hate you,
what happened.
- I wouldn't do anything to
hurt Barbara, you know that.
- I know that.
- I love Barbara.
- Yes, we all love
Barbra, what happened?
- Okay, okay, you
know Barbara's nose?
- Yes.
- Well, I bruised it.
- Bruised?
- Bent, bent, I bent.
- Bent?
- I bent, I bent it.
- You bent.
- I may have broken her nose!
- Broke her nose?
- I opened the door, I didn't
know she was behind it.
- Oh God, I gotta see
Barbara this minute.
- Mrs. Romano, don't panic.
We don't know for
sure if it's broken.
- Yeah, right, it could
still all be in one piece.
Two at the most.
(audience laughs)
Oh.
- Oh my God.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, Barb, what's new?
(audience laughs)
- Dr. is she?
- It's all right
Ann, it's all right.
I've got her pretty heavily
sedated, she's comfortable.
- Oh baby, come on.
- Oh, look what I did to her.
- Barbara, why don't you just
have a seat here for a minute.
- [Ann] Come on baby.
- Sit down.
- Sit right down, easy.
- There we go, baby.
- Listen, doctor,
is Barbara's nose,
is it, bra-bra-bra, broken?
(audience laughs)
- No, we took some x-rays,
the bone is not broken.
- Oh, thank God.
- Thanks God.
- However the
cartilage was off center.
- [Schneider And Bob] Ew!
(audience laughs)
- So, I just molded
the nose back in shape.
- [Schneider And Bob] Ew!
(audience laughs)
- You mo-mo-molded,
you, you, just.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, doctor, is Barbara
gonna look different?
- No, I think she's
gonna be just fine.
- Think?
- What do you mean?
- Well, the chances
are the nose'll probably
look just about the same.
We can never be 100%
sure about these things.
Do bring her back next
week and we'll take a look at it.
- I'll be back, but I
don't wanna look at it.
(audience laughs)
- Now, I want you
to be very careful
that she doesn't roll over
on her face in her sleep.
We don't wanna restart
any of the bleeding
that could leak into the sinus.
- Oh.
- Listen, if she needs any
blood, I know a couple a guys
who can get you all
the blood you want.
(audience laughs)
- And look, Ann.
- Yes.
- Make sure she keeps
those bandages on.
I mean it's important we
avoid any possibility of infection.
- Right, right.
- And to minimize the pain,
you get that
prescription filled.
And if there's anything
else you wanna know,
an questions,
don't hesitate to call.
- Okay, thank you
so much, doctor.
Can we go home?
- Yes, of course.
- Barbara it's all right,
you can go home now.
- Easy Barbara.
- Come on, baby.
- Okay, you take all of this.
- Come on, honey.
- That's all right, darling,
you're gonna be just fine.
You just hang in there.
- Thank you, doctor,
really, thank you.
- Thanks a lot, doctor,
we'll see you in a week.
(audience laughs)
It was an accident.
I didn't mean it, you
know, it was an accident.
Do you understand?
You're sitting there,
you're looking at me
like I'm Woody Hayes.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
An accident, say something.
(audience laughs)
Why not?
- My jaw is wired.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, babe, how goes the nose?
- You mean the trunk?
- Oh, come on,
it's not that bad.
- Oh, no, it'll be great
looking in the mirror
and seeing Dumbo staring back.
(audience laughs)
- All right, darling, I want
you to look on the bright side.
It's a lot better than
breaking your leg
and being stuck in
a cast for months.
- I would much
rather have a cast.
I'm not going to go to
school and have people
autograph my nose.
(audience laughs)
Now I gotta call the
awards committee chairman
and have them get Anita
Haynie for Friday night.
- Oh, honey, today is Saturday.
Friday is a long way
away, you don't have
to make up your mind
about that right now.
- I'm not going like this.
- All right, don't get
your nose out of joint.
(audience laughs)
Just, a figure of speech.
- I liked my nose, it
went well with my face.
(audience laughs)
- All right, honey,
look, the doctor said
you're probably
going to be just fine.
- But he didn't say definitely.
- I know, but why
expect the worst, huh?
- Oh, yeah, I'm
just being silly.
- Yeah.
- There goes marriage.
(audience laughs)
(doorbell ringing)
No, Mom.
(audience laughs)
- [Ann] Okay?
- Yes.
- Hi, Barbara, don't
worry, it's Schneider.
- Come back to finish me off?
(audience laughs)
- Ah, Barbara, you
don't know the torments
I've been going
through, you know.
I mean, all last night I had
these horrible nightmares,
you know, like I'd close the
elevator door on your neck.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, Schneider.
- Or, I'd take all the garbage,
but I throw you in the truck.
(audience laughs)
- I don't think that's.
- Or, I'm waxing
the foyer, right.
And I look down, and I'm
scrunging your nose back and forth.
(audience laughs)
- [Barbara] Oh,
Schneider, I forgive you.
- You mean it?
- [Barbara] Yes, I mean it.
- Okay, I'll never
wax your nose again.
I got a little
something here for you.
I cut it out of my windowsill
garden this morning.
A little posey for the nosey.
- Ah no, no, ah not that.
- What?
- Not that kind of flower,
no, no, no, she's allergic.
- Allergic?
(yelling over each other)
- Tickle the roof of your
mouth with your tongue.
(exhaling)
- Oh just leave me alone.
- Wow, that was a close call.
- Yeah.
- I don't know what I
was thinking of, you know,
I mean in her condition.
It's like bringing
roses to Newcastle.
(audience laughs)
I'm glad nothing
happened, I'll see you later.
- Oh, hi Mr. Schneider.
- Are you crazy?
(audience laughs)
Bringing flowers to that girl.
She's got a busted
nose with an allergy
right in the middle of it.
Her head could explode.
(audience laughs)
Kids today, get in here.
(loud sneezing)
(audience laughs)
- Gee, Miss Romano,
I almost killed Barbara.
- No, no, you didn't, Bob.
- Well, how is our
little patient, anyway?
- As well as could be expected.
- Can I see her?
- No, Bob, she's not
receiving visitors today.
- I'm not just a visitor,
I'm her best friend.
I mean, we sat next
to each other in health.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, Bob, I know how
close the two of you are.
But, I just don't
think it's too wise
that she see anyone today.
- Oh, I know what
you're thinking.
That I'll be tactless
and say the wrong thing.
But, I'm Barbara's
friend, and I'll love her
even if her face ends up
looking like a 10 car pile up.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, hi, Bob.
- Oh, hi, Barb.
Hey Barb, listen, it'll be okay,
they work miracles
with plastic surgery.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, Bob.
- I mean, they could
take the Incredible Hulk
and turn him into
Suzanne Somers.
(audience laughs)
(audience groans)
- I think that's a different
kind of surgery, Bob.
(audience laughs)
- Do you have to
stare at my nose?
- Oh hey, I was never
a nose man, anyway.
I mean, men very rarely
notice a woman's nose.
- Even when it looks
like a cucumber?
- Hey, what about
the awards banquet?
It's gonna be kinda hard to
read your notes over that thing.
- I'm not going.
- But, you've got
to, you're trophy girl.
- The can get Anita Haynie.
- Yeah, her nose
could be on backwards
and nobody'd notice it.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, hey, gee wiz,
it's getting real late,
and I bet you have to run
home for dinner, don't ya?
- Oh no, Miss
Romano, I can stay.
- No, you can't stay, Bob, no.
- Oh, right, I can't.
- [Ann] Yeah, right.
- Listen, don't worry, Barb.
Your nose'll look great.
- Oh, Bob, please don't
say anything at school, okay?
Tell 'em I'm sick or something.
- Okay, would you like a picture
to show your kids someday?
- Mom!
- Ah, goodbye, Bob,
bye Bob, no pictures, no.
- Oh, Cliff, I know we
had a date, but I can't go
to the award's banquet tomorrow.
Look, I have a very bad cold.
No, no, Cliff, I don't
care what Bob told you.
I did not become a nun.
(audience laughs)
No, no Cliff, I don't want
you coming over here.
It's contagious.
Look, I've got a sore
throat, swollen glands,
I've got a rash.
- A nagging backache.
- A nagging backache.
Cliff, can I call you
back later, please?
Thank you.
- Darling, he's going
to know what happened
when you go back to school.
Which hopefully will
be very, very, soon.
- I am not going back
to school with this blimp
between these two black eyes.
- Barbara, I really feel
bad about your nose,
you know that, but you've
had six days of sympathy,
which is rapidly
turning into irritation.
- That makes two of us.
- Not about your nose.
- What else is there?
- Plenty, I thought you
liked yourself better than that.
You've got a lot more
going for you than your looks.
And you know it.
- No, I don't know it, Mom.
I've been lying to myself.
It's like a millionaire saying
money is not important.
My looks were important to me.
I just didn't know how much.
- Barbara, you are a pretty
girl, odds are you will always
be a pretty girl, but
even if you weren't
you've got a lot of other
things going for you.
- I'm not so sure about that.
For instance, I've never
even gotten a traffic ticket.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me?
- Well, I've been stopped
for speeding, only once,
okay, twice.
But the policeman
never gave me a ticket
and it wasn't because I
had sparkling conversation.
- All right, Barbara, but
the point of the matter is.
- The guy at the
cafeteria always gives me
free cookies and it's not
because of a great wit.
- Yes, but I still believe.
- Let's face it, Mom, I get
away with murder and I like it.
(audience laughs)
- All right, Barbara, I don't
think there's anything wrong
with getting special attention,
as long as you don't
depend on it to get by.
- But, don't you see, I
have been depending on it,
and I just didn't know how much.
Do you know who
Sally Henshaw is?
- [Ann] No, I don't think so.
- Well, she's a girl at school,
she's kind of plain looking
but sometimes I really envy her.
I mean, she has lots of friends,
and she gets lots of dates.
- [Ann] So do you.
- But it's different.
Sally knows there's
more to her than her looks.
I'm not so sure.
When a guy asks
me out, I'd like to know
if it's me that he really likes.
It's scary.
I may have to rely on
something I'm not so sure I have.
- Well, I guess I don't know
you as well as I thought I did.
I want you to listen
to me, young lady.
You are one prize
package, and I am more
than a little startled that
you don't realize that.
- Oh, I realize it, but
will anybody else?
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, my glasses.
- Okay?
- [Barbara] Yes.
- Hi, Miss Romano.
- [Ann] Hi, Bob.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Oh, hi, Bob.
- Can I come in?
- Are you alone?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- See, just me, and
Chuck, and Dave, and Tiny.
- Hey, Barbara.
- Hello, Barbara.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, guys.
I'm gonna kill you, Bob.
(audience laughs)
- Barb, we're here
because we love you.
Because these guys
as heads of the football,
basketball, and baseball
teams have a favor to ask you.
- Right, we want you
to be our trophy girl.
- No, I can't.
- But, you're the
one the guys picked
and they still want you.
- With this dumb
thing on my nose?
- What thing?
Oh, yeah, I see it now.
- Gotta learn to block
with your shoulders.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, have you
been putting us on?
I mean, she looks
in good shape to me.
- Yeah, her arms work.
- Oh, Chuck.
- Her mouth works.
- Told ya you didn't
have to bring us up here.
She'll be at the banquet.
- Come on, let's go.
- No, no, no, I didn't
say that I was going.
- But, they want you.
- Oh, you're all
just being nice.
- Who's being nice?
You sure have a
short memory, kid.
Remember when I broke my
ankle sliding into second base?
Who always visited
me at the hospital?
- Yeah, and if it hadn't
been for your tutoring,
I'd have never passed
advanced algebra.
- Personally, you've
never done a thing for me.
(audience laughs)
I just like ya.
- We all like you.
- Besides, we need a
few laughs at the banquet.
You look pretty funny.
- Oh, okay, if I'm
in such demand.
(cheering)
- We'll see you tomorrow.
- Oh, nice talking
to you Miss Romano.
- Yeah.
- [Bob] See you, guys.
- See you later.
- See you later.
- [Chuck] Take it easy, Bob.
- [Anne] Bye.
- Oh, Bob, thank you
- Hey, you're my
favorite person.
(audience applauds)
- Were they just being
nice, or don't they care
if I look funny?
- What do you think?
- I guess it doesn't matter.
Either way, to them I'm okay.
- Guess so.
- Maybe I'll paint it
red for the banquet.
(audience laughs)
- If you put blue
there, and then gold.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
- [Bonnie] One Day
At A Time was recorded
live on tape before
a studio audience.
(orchestra music)