One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 19 - The Dental Hygienist - full transcript

Immediately after Schneider meets an old friend of Ann Romano's, they are off on a cruise together.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Hi, I'm home.

- Hi Mom.
- Hi.

Whatcha up to?

- Homework.

I was watching a TV
special for biology,

a panel discussion
on the human body.

- Huh, who was on it?



- A doctor, a physiologist,
Suzanne Somers.

- Suzanne Somers?

What she have to say?

- I don't know.

She got up to do a demonstration
and the TV went dead.

- Did you just say
the TV went dead?

- Yeah.

- How am I going
to fall asleep tonight?

- I called Schneider,
he said he could fix it.

- Ah, that's good.

Okay, what sumptuous
leftovers shall I prepare?

- Mother, you'll be
delighted to hear

that I have taken
care of din din.

- Thank you.

I never thought in
my wildest dreams.

- Picked up three
submarine sandwiches

on the way home from work.

- You're trying to kill me
for the insurance, aren't you?

- Oh, Mom, I forgot to tell you.

A Cynthia Morgan called.

- Cynthia, I went to high
school with a Cynthia Morgan.

- That's the one.

She said she was just
passing through town

and wanted to say hello.

- Oh, oh gosh.

She's really nice,
I've told you about her.

She was blonde, real
cute, she had bangs.

Oh, I'm really
sorry I missed her.

- Oh, you didn't.

She'll be here any minute.

- Barbara, you invited
her here tonight?

- Well, yeah, what
did you want me to do?

She said, "Are you guys
going to be here tonight?"

And I couldn't say no because
you're always telling me

to be so polite.

- Yeah, well, politeness
is a lovely quality

but when you haven't seen
somebody in a long time,

it's nice, you know, you
should prepare for them.

Polish the silver,
borrow some diamonds.

Get a face lift.

(doorbell rings)

You cut your bangs.

- You went red.

- Oh, so good to see you.

- Hey, you look terrific.

- Thank you.

Oh, let's lie and tell each
other we haven't changed a bit.

In your case, it really
happens to be true.

- Now I'm glad
I decided to call.

- Well, come on, come on in.

These grown young
women over here

are gonna insist they're my
daughters so I'll just admit it.

- Hi, I'm Barbara.

I spoke to you on the phone.

- [Cynthia] Hi Barbara.

- I'm Julie and I hope you
like submarine sandwiches.

- Hey, listen, I
couldn't eat a thing.

They served dinner on the plane.

- Sit down, please.

Sit down.

Oh, it's been so long.

I mean how many
years has it been?

No, don't tell me how
many years it's been.

So, tell me, I don't
know where to start.

Where are you living?

- Baltimore, in one of
those singles complexes.

- No kidding.
- Yeah.

- Did you the escape
the thrill of marriage

and the agony of divorce?

Or is the other way around?

- I escaped.

I came close a couple of times.

Hey, tell me about
yourself, Ann.

- Me?
- Yeah.

- Oh, well,
everything is perfect.

Really, I love my work,
my kids, my apartment,

the table, the cola can.

- The cola can.
- Sweet.

No rain, nor gloom of
eating alone shall deter me

from hiding the tube

which is making your
television set neurotic.

How do you do?

- Cynthia Morgan, I would like
you to meet Dwayne Schneider.

He's our answer
to Mr. Goodwrench.

He's come with the apartment.

- How do you do?

- Cynthia.

My goodness, what a pretty name.

- Yeah, that's what you
said when you met me.

- But how could I
have said that to you?

Your name is not Cynthia.

Well, I don't think
I've seen you around.

- No, you haven't.

We haven't seen each
other since high school.

- You mean you two
were in the same class?

- [Both] Yeah.

- That's hard to believe.

(audience laughs)

- Which one is hard to believe?

- I know which tube it is now.

- So tell me, Cynthia,
what happened?

What did you do
after Logansport High?

- Well, I went to
college for two years.

Then I decided to
become a dental hygienist.

- [Ann] Really?

- Ah, professional person, huh?

- Ma, didn't tell us that you
and Cynthia were cheerleaders

in the senior year?

- Hey, yeah.
- That's right.

- And we were terrific.

- What a coincidence,
I was a cheerleader.

- Come on.

No, no, really.

I was, here, watch this.

Give me an A.

Give me an S.

Give me a P, give
me a R, give me a T.

Give me a W.

- You went to a
school called Asprtw?

- Not a school.

It's the annual
sewage preparation

and removal training workout.

They have it every year.

- So, Cynthia.
- Yes.

- Would you like something
to drink while we catch up?

- Oh, I'd love it.

- So would I.

- We'll get it.

- [Ann] Okay, terrific.

- Your refreshment will
be here in uno memento.

See, I traveled extensively
with the United States Navy

and I am quite fluid
in romance languages.

There are certain that
a man can say in Italian.

- Schneider.
- Scusami.

- Cynthia, tell me,
what brings you

to our neck of the woods?

- Three weeks vacation.

I decided just to take
off and head west.

Indianapolis is just
a stop over for me.

I dropped off my bags at
the hotel and came right over.

- Oh, that's ridiculous,
you'll stay here.

- Yeah, you can
have Barbara's bed.

- Right.

Oh, we'll have
your bags sent over.

That way we'll have
a chance to talk.

- Oh, I don't know.

- It was really
nice meeting you,

but I really should get
back to my homework.

- I'll see you later.
- Bye bye, Barbara.

- Yeah, and just in
case you do stay over,

I'll go and make your
room look presentable.

- Compliments of the house.

- Well see, and where you
gonna get service like this?

- You talked me into it.

- Thank you Mr. Schneider.

- Dwayne.

- Dwayne.

- Listen, Doctor...

- No, I'm not a doctor,
I'm a dental hygienist.

- Same difference.

What I was going to say was,

if you're only in
town for one night,

you should try to get somebody

to show you the
sights of Indianapolis.

And by a strange
coincidence, this is my night off.

- Schneider, I don't
think that's a good idea.

- Well I just thought
that she'd like to go

to the Boom Boom
Room at The Pink Pig.

- The Boom Boom Room?

- Oh, you know about it?

Yeah, and tonight is
live entertainment night.

They're gonna have the Moroni
Brothers, Lance and Louis.

Twin accordionists, right?

Well, when these guys play
Lady of Spain in compatible keys.

- Schneider, Schneider,

I really don't think that
that's the kind of thing...

- Listen, I'd love to go.

- You would?

- You would?

- I would.

- Oh hey, but Ann...

- Oh no, it's fine with me.

Really.

- [Cynthia] Really?

- Yeah, sure, we can
talk in the morning.

- Great, I just need a few
minutes to freshen up, okay?

- I'll show you where
the bathroom is.

- I'll be back to pick you
up in about 15 minutes.

- I'll be ready.

- What a gal.

I mean, a dental hygienist.

Ms. Romano, you really
know classy people.

- Gin.

- Aw, Julie, c'mon.

- Hey, I'm sorry.

You lose.

Have a nice sleep on the sofa.

- No, let's flip a coin.

That'll decide it.

- Barbara, I've already beat you

in Backgammon, Scrabble,
and Chinese Checkers.

What more do you want?

Sleep on the soda, goodnight.

- What are you two
girls still doing up?

- Oh, we're just working
out our sibling rivalry.

What are you doing up?

- Oh, I couldn't sleep.

What time is it?

- It's 1:30.

If you're worried about
Cynthia, Ma, forget it.

If I know Schneider, she's
not gonna be back here tonight.

- Oh, you're probably right.

(Schneider and
Cynthia singing loudly)

(audience laughs)

♪ As time goes by

♪ Moonlight and love
songs never out of date

♪ Hearts full of passion

♪ Jealousy and hate
♪ Woman needs man

♪ And man must have his mate

(audience applauds)

♪ That no one can deny

Guys, listen, it is
1:30 in the morning.

We don't need Bogie and Bergman.

- 1:30?

You're kidding,
I can't believe it.

The night just flew...

Oh, hey, I hope you guys
didn't stay up just because of us.

- No, we're surprised
you made it back.

I mean...

- She means so early.

We figured you had
a lot to talk about.

- Right.

- Oh, we were.

We were talking and
eating and dancing.

- Oh, dancing, what a
dancer this little lady is.

I gave her my A
number one step, right?

A double dip, back
twister with a triple twirl

and she does it like we've
been dancing together for years

and then the Moroni brothers,

they did their tribute
to Horace Heidt.

Brought tears to my eyes.

- Schneider, we'd loved to
hear about this whole thing

but it is the
middle of the night

and Cynthia's had
an exhausting day.

Triple twirl, huh?

Anyway, Cynthia's catching
a plane in the morning.

- No, she ain't.

- She ain't?

- Nope, she ain't.

You wanna tell 'em what we
went ahead and did, Cynzie?

- Yeah, tell us, Cynzie.

- It's really insane.

I don't where to begin.

- Well, start with the end.

That's always the best part.

- Okay, let's see, we
left The Pink Pig, what?

About midnight?
- Midnight, yeah.

And we were on the way
back to Dwayne's camper

and we passed by
this travel agency.

- Katie's Pleasure Travel.

- Right.
- Your travel, our pleasure.

- And in the window,
they had this poster.

Three day escape
cruise to nowhere.

Well we looked at each
other and the next thing I know,

Dwayne is in a phone booth
calling up Katie at home.

- Will you hold it a minute?

Are you trying to tell us
that you're going on a cruise?

- We fly to Miami
Friday morning,

and we sail Friday afternoon.

- I am so excited.

Course, to Dwayne
being a naval man and all,

this is old hat.

- Oh no, this cruise
is altogether different

than my old ship.

I was on a minesweeper.

Every time we touched
off another mine,

I wound up on another hammock.

(Cynthia laughs)

Listen to this laugh!

Listen to this lady laugh!

- Oh, hey, we've really kept
you guys up long enough

and I've got a lot of
reservations to change tomorrow.

So I'm going to bed, okay?

Goodnight Dwayne.

- Goodnight.

- Thanks for showing
me Indianapolis.

- You're welcome.

- Julie, would you like to show
Cynthia where everything is?

- Yes, Cynthia,
float right this way.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Well, Mr. Schneider,
you certainly work fast.

One date and already
you're going on a cruise.

- Aw, no, look, Miss Romano,

it's not how long
you know somebody,

it's how you feel
about them, you know?

And the chemistry between
me and Cynzie, well it's perfect.

We laugh, we have
fun together, you know?

Our vibrations are
just vibing together.

- Schneider, it sounds
to me like you're in love.

- Oh, love, nah, nah,
nah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Mom, did you know
that Dr. J had 23 points

and 12 rebounds last night?

- Fascinating.

Since when did you start
reading the sports section?

- Since black Tuesday
when the TV set blew.

- Yeah, well, we should
call a TV repairman.

Schneider has been
a bit preoccupied.

- Has he ever?

You know, he and Cynthia
are so cute together.

But yet they're so
different from each other.

- I know, you never can tell

what two people are
going to see in each other.

I mean, take for example
Elizabeth Taylor and Eddie Fisher.

There's Elizabeth Taylor
and Richard Burton.

There's Elizabeth
Taylor and John Warner.

- Oh Mom, you're such a card.

- Aren't I, though?
(doorbell rings)

- Schneider, you are
positively gorgeous.

- If I could whistle, I would.

- Well, I figure if you're
going to go on a cruise,

you might as
well go first cabin.

- [Both] Cruise, first cabin.

- I just hope Cynthia
likes the outfit.

- Oh, she'll love
anything that you,

oh, it's getting, I really have
to start dinner, excuse me.

- I really can't wait for
this trip to start, y'know?

- Oh, yeah, it
sounds so romantic.

A cruise to nowhere.

- I tell you, it is
romantic, Barb.

I've been out with so
many bimbos in my life

that when a girl like
Cynthia shows up,

I give it my best shot.

Here I'll show you.

Where's the...

Here, look what they're
having on the boat.

A dance contest!
- Yeah!

- I mean that's like
money in the bank, huh?

I think I'll give
'em the old rumba.

That always gets 'em.

(humming)

Come here, come here.

- What, what?

(humming)

What do I do?

- Be happy, stand there.

(humming)

- Bravo, bravo!

Best couple on the floor.

- Nothing to it.

- Miss Romano.

- [Ann] Yeah?

- I want you to have this.

- Oh, Schneider, thank you.

What for?

- For bringing
Cynthia in my life.

- You know, as long
as we've gone this far,

we may as well do it right
and have a minster here.

- What if the captain already
married them aboard ship?

- I'm just hoping after
three days together,

they'll still talking
to each other.

(knocking)

- Ooh, gotta be them.

- [All] Welcome home! (cheers)

- Okay, come on.

Tell us all about the cruise.

- Yes, yes, put some excitement

into our ordinary drab lives.

- Well, what's to tell

except it was the greatest
weekend of my life.

- Mine too.

It was terrific.

- Come on, sit down.

Tell us everything.

- Oh, tell 'em.

- Oh.

(chuckles)

This one.

The first day we
get on the ship,

he puts on his
long red underwear

and climbs halfway
up the smoke stack.

(laughs)

- It looked like they
was raising Russian flag.

- Yeah, but then he turned
south and mooned Bermuda.

(audience laughs)

- Well, what about some of
the wild stunts you pulled?

- Which ones?

- All right, here's one.

We're strolling
down the deck, right?

We're fully dressed
for dinner, all right.

We got our cocktails,

she's already knocked
off a couple of 'em.

First thing I know,
she jumps into the pool,

she pulls me in with her.

I said, "What did
you do that for?"

She said, "Well, I just thought
we should have some dip

"with our cocktails."

(audience laughs)

- Needless to say, we
were the hit of the ship.

Oh hey, we really
had such a good time.

I must have gained 10 pounds.

The food was terrific and
the nights so heavenly.

- Thank you.

(audience laughs)

- Well, if you'll excuse
me, I'm gonna change.

See you in a bit.
- Okay.

- You know, I just
realized that Cynthia and I

haven't spent 10 minutes
together since you,

Mr. Dwayne Schneider,
first set eyes on her.

Well, maybe next time
she comes into town.

- Next time.

You think I'm gonna let a
dream lady like that leave town?

Nu-huh.

I know a dentist,
he owes me a favor.

I'm gonna get her a job
right here in Indianapolis.

And then I'm gonna
fix up that big apartment

on the third floor.

I'm gonna paint it,
remake it to look terrific.

Just for her.

Maybe in memory of the
cruise, I'll get her a waterbed.

(audience laughs)

- Morning.

- Oh.

- Sorry, I didn't see
you were on the phone.

- No, no, no, that's fine.

I was just calling
my office to tell them

I was going to be late.

- Hey Ann, I want to thank you
for being so wonderful to me.

- Sounds like you're
saying goodbye.

- Don't you think
it's about time

I give Barbara back her bed.

- Well, where are you going?

- Colorado.

- Don't tell me that you

and Schneider passed
another travel agency.

- No, actually I'm meeting
some friends from work.

We're going skiing.

Oh, I'm terrified of shushing
down those mountains.

- Well, what about Schneider?

- I really am crazy
about that guy, really.

We have a wonderful
time together.

But it's getting too
serious, too fast.

Can't handle it.

Well, I better be going.

- Yeah, okay.
- Thanks Ann.

- Uh-huh, Cynthia, look.

I think I better tell
you something.

- Signed, sealed, and delivered.

When this man says
he gonna do something,

this man does it.

I spoke to that
dentist friend of mine.

Reminded him of the time
that he gave me the overdose

of laughing gas and
I was talking like this

for about two weeks.

- Look.

- Anyway, Dr. Pletcher,
that's his name.

He said he'll see you at
three o'clock this afternoon

and if I was you,
I would wear that

because that's terrific.

- Dwayne, at three o'clock
I'll be on my way to Colorado.

- Colorado?

His office is downtown
on Spruce Street.

- I'm gonna leave
you two alone, okay?

- What?

Why?

- Dwayne, saying goodbye to
someone you care for never easy.

- Goodbye?

- You know you're the only
reason I stayed as long as I did

but I have to leave now.

I was just on my way
over to say goodbye

and thank you for showing
me such a terrific time.

Listen, I know we talked
about a lot of things

but I told you how I am.

Hey listen, I want you to know

that even though we were
only together a short time,

those were real
shooting stars I saw.

I don't think anyone's
gonna ever make me feel

the way you do.

Well, gotta go.

Ann, thanks.

- Yeah.

- Love to the kids.

Dwayne, you're
one hell of a guy.

- Schneider, I don't quite
know what to say to you.

- Is it over?

- Seems that way.

- She's gone?

- Yeah.

Look there's no sense
kidding ourselves, huh?

You're gonna be pretty
miserable for awhile

but look, with time
you'll get over it.

And you knows?

Maybe she won't.

- She's gone, right?

It's over.

It's over so she's gone.

She used me, you know?

She used me as a sex object.

(audience laughs)

As a sex object.

I feel so cheap.

(audience applauds)

- Schneider, there are just
some women who can't deal

with the responsible of
a longterm relationship.

That's all.

They just wanna
have a good time.

- Miss Romano,
you got it backwards.

It's not the woman that
rides off into the sunset.

It's the man that rides
off into the sunset.

I mean, Dale Evans never
kissed off Roy Rogers.

Lois Lane never flew
away from Superman.

(audience laughs)

And it surely wasn't
Scarlett O'Hara who said,

"Frankly Rhett, I
don't give a damn."

(audience laughs)

Ah, that's it.

I probably won't
ever fall in love again.

- I'm not worried
about you one bit.

Not the man who can
create shooting stars.

- She did say that, didn't she?

- You bet.

- Hey Ma, come on.

You're gonna be late for work.

Luckily I don't have to be
at the clinic until 11 o'clock.

Oh, you'll never
guess what cruise ship

we got a postcard from.

- Julie.

- Hi all, having
a wonderful time.

Unfortunately Dwayne's
pants split on his flying dip step

and we lost the Rumba contest.

Love, Cynthia.

- (laughs) Split right
down the middle, you know.

I didn't even know it.

We kept on dancing,
everybody was laughing.

Damn it, we should
have won this thing.

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] One Day
at a Time was recorded live

on tape before a
studio audience.

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