One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Married Man: Part 3 - full transcript
Ann has a relationship with a married sportswriter.
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- [Male] And now for the
conclusion of The Married Man.
- Oh, how am I supposed to
concentrate on homework?
My mother is
having a lousy affair.
- So maybe it's a lousy affair
but it's the only one she's got.
Besides, you were the
one who was all enthused
about mom's new man.
- That's when I thought
he was a new man.
How did I know she
was getting a used one?
- Alright, Barbara,
I know he's married
but Mark seems
to be a terrific guy.
- Maybe.
But where is it all gonna end?
All this sneaking around,
they can't even go
out like normal people.
- They're going out
to dinner tonight.
- What do you want to bet
he takes her to a drive through
going 50 miles an hour?
- Barbara, at least
mom is honest with us.
- Sometimes I wish she weren't.
- Ta da!
- Oh mom, you look terrific.
- Thank you.
Barbara, you like the dress?
- It's okay.
- Well that arctic wind is
still blowing in here isn't it?
Barbara, lately you
hardly say a word
any time I'm in the room.
- Isn't it wonderful?
- Honey, I can't say
what I'm doing is right.
I feel guilty as hell.
Does that make
you feel any better?
Sweetheart, look, if I had
known Mark were married,
I wouldn't have gotten involved
but I didn't and I did
and I can't seem to
do a thing about it.
- Mom, I'd really
rather not talk about it.
I might say something
I'll be sorry for.
- Okay.
- Mom, he has a wife.
- So much for not talking.
- Don't you think I
know it's crummy?
Don't you think I
know it's a dead end?
Don't you think I know
we're hurting people?
But even knowing
all of that, I can't stop.
- Look, I'm really
trying to understand
but every time I think
about it, I want to scream.
I can't stand thinking of
you as the other woman.
- Barbara, in these situations,
there has to be the other woman.
Otherwise, it'd be really dull.
- Julie, okay, yeah, thank you.
- You've always talked
about being independent.
- Barbara, what does independent
have to do with loving someone?
I'm sorry,
you have this idealized
vision of your mother.
You want to think that she's
perfect, beyond reproach.
- Yeah, and she's a
long way from that.
- Julie, don't overdo it.
(knocking on door)
Guess who?
- Hi, I stopped by to fix
your garbage disposal.
- There's nothing
wrong with our disposal.
- Oh, well I must have you
mixed up with the Lawson's.
There's always having
trouble with their disposal.
Matter of fact,
they're thinking of mailing
out their garbage bulk rate.
- Schneider, do you mind
if we have a personal
private discussion here?
- Not at all.
As a matter of
fact, Miss Romano,
I think it's long overdue.
I just have a few
points here I gotta...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, I don't mean us.
I'm talking about Barbara and...
- Oh, you and the girls.
Oh yeah, of course, excuse me.
I just have a
couple of things here
that I want to say to you.
First of all, I sympathize
with your situation.
- I appreciate that.
- Secondly, I really
can't blame you.
Women are weak.
- Schneider, look...
- On the other hand,
I do believe in the old saying
that you cannot break
up a good marriage.
- Who said that?
- Henry the Eighth.
- Henry the Eight, he used
to marry 'em two at a time, two
(coughs)
Now, my last two points here,
I just have two more
pieces of advice.
Numero uno, never, never
fool around with a married man.
And numero two-o,
when you do fool around
with a married man,
make sure that your
clandestine meetings
are very, very discreet.
Do you understand what I mean
by discreet?
- Yes, I do understand
Schneider, thank you.
- Yes, you gotta try to use
your imagination, you know?
Just use your imagination
and nobody'll ever know.
- Schneider, I'm not
going to wear a beard.
- No, no, not you,
he wears the beard.
What do you think I'm
crazy, you in a beard?
No, you wear this.
- Oh, mom, he'd love you
even more with a nose job.
- I was just trying
to make a joke
to relieve some of the
tension around here.
- Might help if you left.
- Well, there's quite possibly
some truth in that comment
but I'm sure you must realize
that as your superintendent
I do have a responsibility
to advise my tenants.
- You're gonna butt in.
- I have to, I must, imperative.
Miss Romano, while
you fiddle, the wife burns.
Now that reminds me of a
Barbara Stanwyck movie,
you see...
- Excuse me a moment,
could you step into the hallway?
- Yeah, in the the hallway is
where the scene in the Barbara
Stanwyck movie takes place.
She barges out
of the elevator...
- Well, you like it?
- I like being around
the Japanese.
They're the only people I know
that make me feel lanky.
- Your name please?
- Harrison.
- Oh yes, your
place is ready now.
Leave your shoes here.
- Oh.
- So much for lanky.
- This way please.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy your meal.
- I feel like I'm
sliding into second.
- Uh, well.
- Well.
- Nervous?
- No, you?
- See anybody you know?
- No, you?
Ah, this is terrific,
sitting here holding
hands under the table.
- You're holding my foot.
- I thought your fingers
were a little stubby.
- Mark, I gotta
tell you something,
I am a little nervous.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna get used to this.
- Hey, we both knew it
wasn't gonna be easy.
- We were right.
But you know something,
even though there are
times that are difficult,
there are other times that
make up for everything.
- You really feel that way?
- Of course I do.
Why?
- I don't know, was
just looking in your eyes.
- What do you see?
- Pain.
- Oh, pain.
Probably the bad lighting.
- It doesn't belong there, Ann.
And I'm responsible.
- Come on, Mark, I
made my own decisions.
I want you to look
into my eyes again.
What do you see?
- Well...
- Love.
Love and pain, maybe
they're a match set.
- I can't help it, I
still feel responsible.
- For what?
- For everything, everybody,
make sure they're happy.
- [Ann] Mark.
- No, you know, every morning,
regardless of how late I am,
I take time to throw
the ball for the dog.
- Okay, what does
that have to do with...
- I mean I even feel obligated
for the dog having a good time.
I guess what I'm trying to say
is that that's the way I
feel about everything,
especially my wife.
- You throw the ball for her?
- No, what I'm saying
is I feel responsible
for making Ellen smile
and the dog wag his tail.
- So Mark, when
you're talking here
about being responsible and all,
there is one person
you're forgetting about.
- You?
- You.
You are entitled to think
about yourself, you know.
- Oh, oh.
(giggling)
- Evening.
- Hi.
- May I take your order now?
- I'm sorry.
- Order some sashimi.
(speaking in foreign language)
Terriyaki.
- Good, something vegetable.
- Yes, order a
vegetable tempura.
- Then we need rice.
- Some rice, some
rice, and sake.
- Got it, two number threes.
- Ann, I have a suggestion.
- What?
- For the rest of the evening,
let's just think about us.
- My favorite subject.
- Let's pretend
we have no cares,
no worries, no
problems, oh my God.
- What's the matter?
- I think we have a problem.
- Here you are, sir.
- Excuse me?
- Right here, you
can sit right here.
- Oh thanks.
I beg your pardon,
the battery on my
hearing aid is going.
Mark.
Mark Harrison,
you old son of a gun.
Hey.
- Hiya Bernie.
Bernie, I'd like
you to meet Ann.
- Oh sure, I remember Ellen.
Hi, hi, hi.
You remember, we met
once at a Christmas party?
- Bernie, this isn't Ellen.
- Oh sure, don't mind if I do.
Oh my, my, my,
what a surprise, huh?
- I'll say.
- Ellen, you've
never looked lovelier.
- Oh Bernie, this isn't Ellen.
- What?
- I said, this isn't Ellen.
- Oh I know you're not yelling.
You know Ellen, there's
something very different about you.
- Oh.
- No, no, no, don't tell me.
You died your hair?
- Well, as a matter of fact,
I do...
- I think I liked you better
as a brunette.
- Let's go, Ann.
- Oh, all finished huh?
- Yeah.
Well nice yelling
at you, Bernie.
- Yeah, well nice
seeing you guys,
bye Ellen, say hi to the kids.
- Mom, what you need to
cheer you up is a good breakfast.
Try some of my pancakes.
- Oh, they're pancakes.
Funny, I thought they were
Frisbees with syrup on them.
- Mom, can't you just try
and forget about last night.
Think of the good stuff.
Was it a nice restaurant?
- Julie, that's
like that old joke,
aside from that Mrs. Lincoln,
how did you like the play?
I don't want to forget
about last night.
I want to remain discouraged,
frustrated and upset
and fed up.
Otherwise, I'm not
gonna be able to end it.
- You're really
gonna break it off?
- Yeah, I have to.
I kidded myself, I rationalized,
I told myself that
somehow we were different.
Last night was the clincher.
I felt like I had a starring
role in a dirty joke.
(doorbell ringing)
I'll get it.
Mark.
- In broad daylight?
- We have to talk.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hi Mark.
Hi, Barbara and I
were just going out.
Where were we going again?
- Oh, we were gonna
go up to the roof
to sail pancakes.
- Not funny.
- Oh yeah, you're right.
That could really hurt somebody.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh Ann, you don't
know how I felt last night.
- I know how I felt.
- Look, I promise you,
it won't happen again.
- It can't help but
happen if we keep on.
- I'll short circuit
Bernie's hearing aid.
- Mark, it's not just the
Bernies, you know that,
it's all the rest.
We're hurting too many people.
I found out something
these last few weeks.
- What?
- There's something that
matter to me more than you do,
my self respect.
- Oh Ann, I understand.
- No, Mark, you
don't understand.
Last night was the end.
- Look please, don't tell
me I don't understand.
You think you're the
only one that's felt anxiety,
guilt, shame?
- Of course not.
- Look, last night rocked
me too, I understand, Ann.
And it's over.
- Yeah.
- Oh no, Ann, I mean
my marriage is over.
I told Ellen.
We talked, we agreed,
we're getting a divorce.
- What a beautiful setting.
- Yeah, this is definitely
not your melmac evening.
Mom's even got
individual butter knives
for the margarine.
- Remember the last time
she had dinner for a
man about to be divorced?
- Yeah, it was dad.
- Bet the food's
better at this one.
- Hi.
- Ooh la la.
- [Julie] Oh, you look nice.
- Thank you.
- Mom, now that
you're going steady...
- Going steady.
- Well whatever the
geriatric crowd calls it.
I mean, you and Mark are
gonna get married aren't you?
You can't get out of it.
- Julie, hold it, okay, look,
as far as Mark's
divorce is concerned,
it was his idea,
so don't try to make me
feel responsible, okay
and as far as
marriage is concerned,
well I'm not so sure
I want to get out of it.
- What happened to
the independent woman?
- Independent means that I
can do whatever I want to do
and that includes
marriage if I want to.
(doorbell ringing)
Ah, Mark and he's early.
Look, will you, the candles,
yeah that would be, oh, okay.
Hi darling.
- Please, Miss Romano,
one man at a time.
- Hi, Schneider.
What can I do for you?
- Narry a thing.
I just came by to offer you
a congratulations
and felicitations.
- What are you talking about?
- Well I was talking
to the girls, you know,
(mimicking the wedding song)
- Do you mind?
I would really appreciate
it if you'd, thank you.
- Hey, what are
you talking about?
You're gonna be dynamite.
I can see you know,
coming down the aisle in a
long flowing wedding gown
kind of you know, off white.
- Schneider, that is tacky.
- I didn't mean nothing.
It's just that your
mother is so incredible.
I mean, millions of
married men fool around.
You know how many leave
their wives for the other woman?
- No Schneider, how many?
- Four.
But I guess you're
one of the lucky ones.
I guess also you must
really be kind of excited
collecting all your linens
and all your laces, you know,
getting your torso all ready.
- Schneider, did you come
in here to say something?
- Yes.
- What?
- Don't rush into anything.
And I speak now as an authority.
- On what?
- Marriage.
Before my wife
and I got married,
we went out together for a year
to see if we were sympatico.
We met each other's family,
we had a three months engagement
and then and only then,
did we embark on
a perilous voyage
of the seas of matrimony.
- How long were you
married, Schneider?
- A week.
Do you get my drift?
- No.
- Of course you do.
What I'm trying to tell you
is what do you know
about this character?
- Schneider, I know
that Mark is a terrific guy.
- Some terrific guy, right,
cheats on his wife and
he lies to his mistress.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Schneider, we'll ride
you down in the elevator.
- Huh, what?
Wait a second, hold it,
listen pal, you got a
terrific little lady here, huh,
so don't louse it up.
And one more thing before I go,
please always remember
and don't ever forget...
- What?
- I forgot.
Had something to do with
Barbara Stanwyck and the movie
and pearls and the
chauffeur and the guy.
- What was all that about?
- Oh, he thinks we're
on our way to the altar
and Barbara and Julie
are already mailing
out the invitations.
- Yeah well I guess this
what everybody thinks
when a man leaves his wife
and there's another
woman in the picture.
- Oh yeah, well, you
know how people are,
they want a happy ending.
- What do you want, Ann?
- What do I want, Ann?
Well, let's see, how about a
beach house in the bahamas,
a yacht, a trip to...
You okay?
- Yeah, just confused.
What else is new?
- What's the matter, Mark?
Your family, your
kids don't understand?
- They don't understand
what took us so long to split.
Talk about aware.
My daughter says that I've
done the best possible thing
for everyone.
I think she even believes it.
- Jeffrey.
- Jeffrey's the sensitive one.
He says he's sorry to see me go,
especially if I get
custody of the sports car.
You know kids, Ann,
they try and cover up, they joke
but inside, they hurt.
- So, you're having regrets?
- Regrets that there
wasn't any other way,
regrets that I waited so long,
regrets that so
many people got hurt.
- I know, I've been there.
- If it hadn't been for you,
I would've never
had the courage.
My life would still
be at a dead end.
- Now Mark, you would've.
It might've taken
a little longer...
- Ann, I'm grateful
to you, okay?
And I love you.
- But?
- What do you mean, but?
- Well there's certain pauses
that just seem filled
with that word butt.
- But I feel obligated to you.
Here I go again,
you see, I haven't gotten
off that silly merry-go-round.
I've just changed horses.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh no, I didn't
mean it that way.
I make my living using words,
why can't I say what I mean?
- I don't know.
I don't know, sweetheart
but what you're
having trouble saying is
knocking me right into focus.
- Look Ann, what
I'm trying to say
is I don't want to
risk hurting you
the same way I've hurt Ellen
and Jeffrey and
Laura and Reggie.
- Who?
- The dog.
- Ah.
- Ann, I love you, I
love you like crazy
but I wanted to come to you
without any responsibilities,
not any obligations
and now you're a, you're a...
- Another obligation.
- I didn't say that.
Did I say that?
I said that.
Oh Ann.
Maybe I just need to be
responsible for me for a change.
You said it yourself.
- Yes I did.
- For 21 years, I've been
consumed by a commitment,
maybe I'm just drained.
- And you don't want to
make another commitment?
- It's not that I
don't want to, I can't.
I love you but I just can't
make another commitment.
I have to sort myself out first.
I know it's crazy.
Oh Ann, please understand.
- Oh yes, hmm, I understand.
And I'll tell you
something else, my love,
I don't envy you
the next few years,
take it from one who knows.
But you want to hear
something funny?
- Oh, I'd love to.
- I think we're both
a little relieved.
You know, Mark, since I
found out you were married,
I have felt unsettled and
scared and just wrong inside.
- I know.
- I haven't liked
myself very much.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, honey it's nobody's fault.
We happened too fast,
we were just too intense,
we lived in our own little
world somewhere up on a cloud
and sometimes it
was just wonderful.
- Oh yes.
- Oh yes.
- It's hard, Ann.
It's very hard.
- I know.
But I want to tell
you something,
I will always be grateful to you
because thanks to you I
know I can still love someone,
really, deeply love someone.
I thought I'd lost that.
I don't know how good
I'm gonna do without you,
well, how well, I am
going to do without you.
- Oh Ann, you're incredible.
- I know.
Well, I don't know
why we can't have this
fabulous dinner I prepared,
one gourmet dish after another,
and look at this,
wine, candlelight,
romantic atmosphere,
no, I don't think so.
- I love you, Ann Romano.
- I love you.
(applause)
Welcome back.
(applause)
("One Day at a Time Theme"
by Jeff Barry and Nancy Barry)
- [Announcer] One Day at a Time
is recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- [Male] And now for the
conclusion of The Married Man.
- Oh, how am I supposed to
concentrate on homework?
My mother is
having a lousy affair.
- So maybe it's a lousy affair
but it's the only one she's got.
Besides, you were the
one who was all enthused
about mom's new man.
- That's when I thought
he was a new man.
How did I know she
was getting a used one?
- Alright, Barbara,
I know he's married
but Mark seems
to be a terrific guy.
- Maybe.
But where is it all gonna end?
All this sneaking around,
they can't even go
out like normal people.
- They're going out
to dinner tonight.
- What do you want to bet
he takes her to a drive through
going 50 miles an hour?
- Barbara, at least
mom is honest with us.
- Sometimes I wish she weren't.
- Ta da!
- Oh mom, you look terrific.
- Thank you.
Barbara, you like the dress?
- It's okay.
- Well that arctic wind is
still blowing in here isn't it?
Barbara, lately you
hardly say a word
any time I'm in the room.
- Isn't it wonderful?
- Honey, I can't say
what I'm doing is right.
I feel guilty as hell.
Does that make
you feel any better?
Sweetheart, look, if I had
known Mark were married,
I wouldn't have gotten involved
but I didn't and I did
and I can't seem to
do a thing about it.
- Mom, I'd really
rather not talk about it.
I might say something
I'll be sorry for.
- Okay.
- Mom, he has a wife.
- So much for not talking.
- Don't you think I
know it's crummy?
Don't you think I
know it's a dead end?
Don't you think I know
we're hurting people?
But even knowing
all of that, I can't stop.
- Look, I'm really
trying to understand
but every time I think
about it, I want to scream.
I can't stand thinking of
you as the other woman.
- Barbara, in these situations,
there has to be the other woman.
Otherwise, it'd be really dull.
- Julie, okay, yeah, thank you.
- You've always talked
about being independent.
- Barbara, what does independent
have to do with loving someone?
I'm sorry,
you have this idealized
vision of your mother.
You want to think that she's
perfect, beyond reproach.
- Yeah, and she's a
long way from that.
- Julie, don't overdo it.
(knocking on door)
Guess who?
- Hi, I stopped by to fix
your garbage disposal.
- There's nothing
wrong with our disposal.
- Oh, well I must have you
mixed up with the Lawson's.
There's always having
trouble with their disposal.
Matter of fact,
they're thinking of mailing
out their garbage bulk rate.
- Schneider, do you mind
if we have a personal
private discussion here?
- Not at all.
As a matter of
fact, Miss Romano,
I think it's long overdue.
I just have a few
points here I gotta...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, I don't mean us.
I'm talking about Barbara and...
- Oh, you and the girls.
Oh yeah, of course, excuse me.
I just have a
couple of things here
that I want to say to you.
First of all, I sympathize
with your situation.
- I appreciate that.
- Secondly, I really
can't blame you.
Women are weak.
- Schneider, look...
- On the other hand,
I do believe in the old saying
that you cannot break
up a good marriage.
- Who said that?
- Henry the Eighth.
- Henry the Eight, he used
to marry 'em two at a time, two
(coughs)
Now, my last two points here,
I just have two more
pieces of advice.
Numero uno, never, never
fool around with a married man.
And numero two-o,
when you do fool around
with a married man,
make sure that your
clandestine meetings
are very, very discreet.
Do you understand what I mean
by discreet?
- Yes, I do understand
Schneider, thank you.
- Yes, you gotta try to use
your imagination, you know?
Just use your imagination
and nobody'll ever know.
- Schneider, I'm not
going to wear a beard.
- No, no, not you,
he wears the beard.
What do you think I'm
crazy, you in a beard?
No, you wear this.
- Oh, mom, he'd love you
even more with a nose job.
- I was just trying
to make a joke
to relieve some of the
tension around here.
- Might help if you left.
- Well, there's quite possibly
some truth in that comment
but I'm sure you must realize
that as your superintendent
I do have a responsibility
to advise my tenants.
- You're gonna butt in.
- I have to, I must, imperative.
Miss Romano, while
you fiddle, the wife burns.
Now that reminds me of a
Barbara Stanwyck movie,
you see...
- Excuse me a moment,
could you step into the hallway?
- Yeah, in the the hallway is
where the scene in the Barbara
Stanwyck movie takes place.
She barges out
of the elevator...
- Well, you like it?
- I like being around
the Japanese.
They're the only people I know
that make me feel lanky.
- Your name please?
- Harrison.
- Oh yes, your
place is ready now.
Leave your shoes here.
- Oh.
- So much for lanky.
- This way please.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy your meal.
- I feel like I'm
sliding into second.
- Uh, well.
- Well.
- Nervous?
- No, you?
- See anybody you know?
- No, you?
Ah, this is terrific,
sitting here holding
hands under the table.
- You're holding my foot.
- I thought your fingers
were a little stubby.
- Mark, I gotta
tell you something,
I am a little nervous.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna get used to this.
- Hey, we both knew it
wasn't gonna be easy.
- We were right.
But you know something,
even though there are
times that are difficult,
there are other times that
make up for everything.
- You really feel that way?
- Of course I do.
Why?
- I don't know, was
just looking in your eyes.
- What do you see?
- Pain.
- Oh, pain.
Probably the bad lighting.
- It doesn't belong there, Ann.
And I'm responsible.
- Come on, Mark, I
made my own decisions.
I want you to look
into my eyes again.
What do you see?
- Well...
- Love.
Love and pain, maybe
they're a match set.
- I can't help it, I
still feel responsible.
- For what?
- For everything, everybody,
make sure they're happy.
- [Ann] Mark.
- No, you know, every morning,
regardless of how late I am,
I take time to throw
the ball for the dog.
- Okay, what does
that have to do with...
- I mean I even feel obligated
for the dog having a good time.
I guess what I'm trying to say
is that that's the way I
feel about everything,
especially my wife.
- You throw the ball for her?
- No, what I'm saying
is I feel responsible
for making Ellen smile
and the dog wag his tail.
- So Mark, when
you're talking here
about being responsible and all,
there is one person
you're forgetting about.
- You?
- You.
You are entitled to think
about yourself, you know.
- Oh, oh.
(giggling)
- Evening.
- Hi.
- May I take your order now?
- I'm sorry.
- Order some sashimi.
(speaking in foreign language)
Terriyaki.
- Good, something vegetable.
- Yes, order a
vegetable tempura.
- Then we need rice.
- Some rice, some
rice, and sake.
- Got it, two number threes.
- Ann, I have a suggestion.
- What?
- For the rest of the evening,
let's just think about us.
- My favorite subject.
- Let's pretend
we have no cares,
no worries, no
problems, oh my God.
- What's the matter?
- I think we have a problem.
- Here you are, sir.
- Excuse me?
- Right here, you
can sit right here.
- Oh thanks.
I beg your pardon,
the battery on my
hearing aid is going.
Mark.
Mark Harrison,
you old son of a gun.
Hey.
- Hiya Bernie.
Bernie, I'd like
you to meet Ann.
- Oh sure, I remember Ellen.
Hi, hi, hi.
You remember, we met
once at a Christmas party?
- Bernie, this isn't Ellen.
- Oh sure, don't mind if I do.
Oh my, my, my,
what a surprise, huh?
- I'll say.
- Ellen, you've
never looked lovelier.
- Oh Bernie, this isn't Ellen.
- What?
- I said, this isn't Ellen.
- Oh I know you're not yelling.
You know Ellen, there's
something very different about you.
- Oh.
- No, no, no, don't tell me.
You died your hair?
- Well, as a matter of fact,
I do...
- I think I liked you better
as a brunette.
- Let's go, Ann.
- Oh, all finished huh?
- Yeah.
Well nice yelling
at you, Bernie.
- Yeah, well nice
seeing you guys,
bye Ellen, say hi to the kids.
- Mom, what you need to
cheer you up is a good breakfast.
Try some of my pancakes.
- Oh, they're pancakes.
Funny, I thought they were
Frisbees with syrup on them.
- Mom, can't you just try
and forget about last night.
Think of the good stuff.
Was it a nice restaurant?
- Julie, that's
like that old joke,
aside from that Mrs. Lincoln,
how did you like the play?
I don't want to forget
about last night.
I want to remain discouraged,
frustrated and upset
and fed up.
Otherwise, I'm not
gonna be able to end it.
- You're really
gonna break it off?
- Yeah, I have to.
I kidded myself, I rationalized,
I told myself that
somehow we were different.
Last night was the clincher.
I felt like I had a starring
role in a dirty joke.
(doorbell ringing)
I'll get it.
Mark.
- In broad daylight?
- We have to talk.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hi Mark.
Hi, Barbara and I
were just going out.
Where were we going again?
- Oh, we were gonna
go up to the roof
to sail pancakes.
- Not funny.
- Oh yeah, you're right.
That could really hurt somebody.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh Ann, you don't
know how I felt last night.
- I know how I felt.
- Look, I promise you,
it won't happen again.
- It can't help but
happen if we keep on.
- I'll short circuit
Bernie's hearing aid.
- Mark, it's not just the
Bernies, you know that,
it's all the rest.
We're hurting too many people.
I found out something
these last few weeks.
- What?
- There's something that
matter to me more than you do,
my self respect.
- Oh Ann, I understand.
- No, Mark, you
don't understand.
Last night was the end.
- Look please, don't tell
me I don't understand.
You think you're the
only one that's felt anxiety,
guilt, shame?
- Of course not.
- Look, last night rocked
me too, I understand, Ann.
And it's over.
- Yeah.
- Oh no, Ann, I mean
my marriage is over.
I told Ellen.
We talked, we agreed,
we're getting a divorce.
- What a beautiful setting.
- Yeah, this is definitely
not your melmac evening.
Mom's even got
individual butter knives
for the margarine.
- Remember the last time
she had dinner for a
man about to be divorced?
- Yeah, it was dad.
- Bet the food's
better at this one.
- Hi.
- Ooh la la.
- [Julie] Oh, you look nice.
- Thank you.
- Mom, now that
you're going steady...
- Going steady.
- Well whatever the
geriatric crowd calls it.
I mean, you and Mark are
gonna get married aren't you?
You can't get out of it.
- Julie, hold it, okay, look,
as far as Mark's
divorce is concerned,
it was his idea,
so don't try to make me
feel responsible, okay
and as far as
marriage is concerned,
well I'm not so sure
I want to get out of it.
- What happened to
the independent woman?
- Independent means that I
can do whatever I want to do
and that includes
marriage if I want to.
(doorbell ringing)
Ah, Mark and he's early.
Look, will you, the candles,
yeah that would be, oh, okay.
Hi darling.
- Please, Miss Romano,
one man at a time.
- Hi, Schneider.
What can I do for you?
- Narry a thing.
I just came by to offer you
a congratulations
and felicitations.
- What are you talking about?
- Well I was talking
to the girls, you know,
(mimicking the wedding song)
- Do you mind?
I would really appreciate
it if you'd, thank you.
- Hey, what are
you talking about?
You're gonna be dynamite.
I can see you know,
coming down the aisle in a
long flowing wedding gown
kind of you know, off white.
- Schneider, that is tacky.
- I didn't mean nothing.
It's just that your
mother is so incredible.
I mean, millions of
married men fool around.
You know how many leave
their wives for the other woman?
- No Schneider, how many?
- Four.
But I guess you're
one of the lucky ones.
I guess also you must
really be kind of excited
collecting all your linens
and all your laces, you know,
getting your torso all ready.
- Schneider, did you come
in here to say something?
- Yes.
- What?
- Don't rush into anything.
And I speak now as an authority.
- On what?
- Marriage.
Before my wife
and I got married,
we went out together for a year
to see if we were sympatico.
We met each other's family,
we had a three months engagement
and then and only then,
did we embark on
a perilous voyage
of the seas of matrimony.
- How long were you
married, Schneider?
- A week.
Do you get my drift?
- No.
- Of course you do.
What I'm trying to tell you
is what do you know
about this character?
- Schneider, I know
that Mark is a terrific guy.
- Some terrific guy, right,
cheats on his wife and
he lies to his mistress.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Schneider, we'll ride
you down in the elevator.
- Huh, what?
Wait a second, hold it,
listen pal, you got a
terrific little lady here, huh,
so don't louse it up.
And one more thing before I go,
please always remember
and don't ever forget...
- What?
- I forgot.
Had something to do with
Barbara Stanwyck and the movie
and pearls and the
chauffeur and the guy.
- What was all that about?
- Oh, he thinks we're
on our way to the altar
and Barbara and Julie
are already mailing
out the invitations.
- Yeah well I guess this
what everybody thinks
when a man leaves his wife
and there's another
woman in the picture.
- Oh yeah, well, you
know how people are,
they want a happy ending.
- What do you want, Ann?
- What do I want, Ann?
Well, let's see, how about a
beach house in the bahamas,
a yacht, a trip to...
You okay?
- Yeah, just confused.
What else is new?
- What's the matter, Mark?
Your family, your
kids don't understand?
- They don't understand
what took us so long to split.
Talk about aware.
My daughter says that I've
done the best possible thing
for everyone.
I think she even believes it.
- Jeffrey.
- Jeffrey's the sensitive one.
He says he's sorry to see me go,
especially if I get
custody of the sports car.
You know kids, Ann,
they try and cover up, they joke
but inside, they hurt.
- So, you're having regrets?
- Regrets that there
wasn't any other way,
regrets that I waited so long,
regrets that so
many people got hurt.
- I know, I've been there.
- If it hadn't been for you,
I would've never
had the courage.
My life would still
be at a dead end.
- Now Mark, you would've.
It might've taken
a little longer...
- Ann, I'm grateful
to you, okay?
And I love you.
- But?
- What do you mean, but?
- Well there's certain pauses
that just seem filled
with that word butt.
- But I feel obligated to you.
Here I go again,
you see, I haven't gotten
off that silly merry-go-round.
I've just changed horses.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh no, I didn't
mean it that way.
I make my living using words,
why can't I say what I mean?
- I don't know.
I don't know, sweetheart
but what you're
having trouble saying is
knocking me right into focus.
- Look Ann, what
I'm trying to say
is I don't want to
risk hurting you
the same way I've hurt Ellen
and Jeffrey and
Laura and Reggie.
- Who?
- The dog.
- Ah.
- Ann, I love you, I
love you like crazy
but I wanted to come to you
without any responsibilities,
not any obligations
and now you're a, you're a...
- Another obligation.
- I didn't say that.
Did I say that?
I said that.
Oh Ann.
Maybe I just need to be
responsible for me for a change.
You said it yourself.
- Yes I did.
- For 21 years, I've been
consumed by a commitment,
maybe I'm just drained.
- And you don't want to
make another commitment?
- It's not that I
don't want to, I can't.
I love you but I just can't
make another commitment.
I have to sort myself out first.
I know it's crazy.
Oh Ann, please understand.
- Oh yes, hmm, I understand.
And I'll tell you
something else, my love,
I don't envy you
the next few years,
take it from one who knows.
But you want to hear
something funny?
- Oh, I'd love to.
- I think we're both
a little relieved.
You know, Mark, since I
found out you were married,
I have felt unsettled and
scared and just wrong inside.
- I know.
- I haven't liked
myself very much.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, honey it's nobody's fault.
We happened too fast,
we were just too intense,
we lived in our own little
world somewhere up on a cloud
and sometimes it
was just wonderful.
- Oh yes.
- Oh yes.
- It's hard, Ann.
It's very hard.
- I know.
But I want to tell
you something,
I will always be grateful to you
because thanks to you I
know I can still love someone,
really, deeply love someone.
I thought I'd lost that.
I don't know how good
I'm gonna do without you,
well, how well, I am
going to do without you.
- Oh Ann, you're incredible.
- I know.
Well, I don't know
why we can't have this
fabulous dinner I prepared,
one gourmet dish after another,
and look at this,
wine, candlelight,
romantic atmosphere,
no, I don't think so.
- I love you, Ann Romano.
- I love you.
(applause)
Welcome back.
(applause)
("One Day at a Time Theme"
by Jeff Barry and Nancy Barry)
- [Announcer] One Day at a Time
is recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.