One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Married Man: Part 2 - full transcript
Ann has a relationship with a married sportswriter.
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(sweeper thudding)
- Stupid ass.
(audience laughs)
(sweeper thuds)
(groans) (audience laughs)
(Ann grunts)
- Mom, Barbara
won the ski trophy.
- Yeah, and Julie
won the ski instructor.
(audience laughs)
(door slams)
Mom?
(door slams)
Mom?
- Hi, how was skiing?
(audience laughs)
- It was great.
'Til Barbara broke
both her legs.
- Wonderful.
- Julie made love with
three different guys.
- That's nice.
(audience laughs)
Exercise is very important.
(audience laughs)
(door slams)
(sighs)
- How did your
evening go with Mark?
- Who?
- Mark, you know the one you
said was witty and charming...
- And married.
- Right, and... Married?
Mark Harrison is married?
To a woman?
(audience laughs)
- That is unreal.
- I wish it were.
- Mom, I'm sorry.
At least you found out
before the two of you...
Or pretty soon
after the two of you.
(audience laughs)
- He didn't act married.
He didn't wear a ring,
check his watch,
fall asleep at 10.
- Sounds suspicious to me.
- Didn't you ask him?
- I guess I just
didn't want to know.
- Oh, mom, I'm sorry.
- I know how much
you must be hurting.
- Hurting? Me?
Try a knife in the stomach.
- What did you say
when he told you?
- He didn't tell me.
Schneider did.
- Schneider?
How did he know?
- If Schneider were
interested he could find Bigfoot.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, girls, see the thing is
I'm just this great, big mixture
of moral indignation and
wounded puppy.
See,
with Mark I felt
alive and happy.
Now I just feel so damned empty.
- Is there anything
we can do to help?
- No.
Thank you, I prefer to
strangle him all by myself.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, hi, Barbara,
Julie, you're back.
- Mark, darling.
Girls, say hello
to Karen for me.
- Oh right.
We're gonna go upstairs
and say hello to Karen.
- [Barbara And Julie] For you.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
- Rest in peace.
(audience laughs)
- Well, surprise.
- Hi.
- Sit down.
You must be exhausted.
- Oh no.
I feel great.
Oh, Ann, every time we meet
I feel like I'm seeing
you for the first time.
- (laughs) I feel
the very same way.
- Now this sounds corny
but when I'm with you
I forget myself.
- Among other things.
- What?
I brought you something.
It's our future.
- It's the perfect size.
(audience laughs)
- You see this cabin?
- Yeah.
- I wanna take you there.
- Well, you think we'd fit?
- No, I mean my
cabin at Indian Lake.
I want us to go away
for the weekend.
- Oh, Mark.
Darling, that is really sweet.
Do you mind if I
ask you a question?
- Anything.
- Is your wife coming along?
- Oh my god!
(audience laughs)
- Funny you
forgot to mention it.
- Ann, I...
- Little thing like a wife
just slipped your mind.
- I was going to tell you.
- What the hell
took you so long?
- I was waiting
for the right time.
Just, everything
happened so fast.
I wanted to tell
you but I was afraid.
- I don't blame you.
- Ann, I didn't
want to lose you.
- Why, Mark?
You've always got your wife
and I'm sure you've got plenty
of the others on the
sidelines just warming up.
- Ann, no, you're wrong.
I've been married for 21 years
and I've never been unfaithful.
- What was it with me?
Batting practice?
- I've never been
unfaithful until now.
- Oh gee, Mark, I find
it real hard to believe.
I'm sure that cabin of
yours has seen more action
than the backseat
of a '57 Chevy.
- Ann, please.
Don't lower yourself.
- I don't have to,
you've done it for me.
- Look, you don't
have to believe me.
But if I hadn't met you I'd
still be a faithful husband.
Unhappy, but faithful.
I wasn't looking for
anyone, you were just there.
- It was fate.
- You don't understand do you?
- Come on, Mark, isn't
that what men generally say
about their wives?
They don't understand.
What's the problem
with your marriage, Mark?
Your wife frigid, the
two of you grown apart?
Are you staying together
because of the children?
Tell me, have I missed any
of the appropriate cliches?
- I'm not trying to make points.
Look, you want me to
tell you a big, tragic story?
Well, there isn't any.
I'm ordinary.
What happened to
my marriage is ordinary.
My wife's not a monster,
she's a very nice woman.
She has her career, I
have mine, we coexist,
and that's about it.
Must've been the
same in your marriage.
- I was married
until I wasn't married.
- What does married mean, Ann?
A lot of marriages are over
way before they hit the
courtroom, you know that.
- Yes, I know that.
- Ann, all that's left of my
marriage is the obligation.
And that's strong.
Even when a marriage is lifeless
sometimes you just
have to stay with it
because of the obligation,
and because of the kids.
- Kids.
- Yeah.
A boy and a girl.
- Perfect.
- When they were younger
I didn't wanna miss out
on their growing up and
I didn't want to hurt them.
But now I don't wanna hurt you.
(laughs sarcastically)
Ann.
Before I met you was empty.
I just didn't know how empty.
Do you know what
it's like to have a family
and friends and still
feel only half alive?
Oh, Ann, I need you.
(Ann gasps)
- I...
Can't think.
- I'll go.
I love you, Ann.
I don't know how
much I can give you.
Frankly, I don't know how
much you want me to give you.
All I know is that you
breathe life into me.
(paper rustling)
I'll leave the
directions to the cabin.
I'll be there.
I hope you'll come.
But if you don't I'll...
I'll certainly understand.
You're right, Ann, I should
have told you, I'm sorry.
But I won't apologize
for loving you.
(door slams)
- This sure is delicious.
- Thank you.
- Mom, I cooked it.
- You're welcome.
(audience laughs)
- Mom?
- Hello?
- Sorry.
- Mom, you did the right thing.
- I did the proper thing.
But the right thing?
(chuckles) For whom?
Hey, Barbara, thank you.
This is really lovely.
But...
I'm not hungry.
- How can she be in
love with that turkey?
He's married!
- So, she's in love
with a married turkey.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, he lied to her.
- Barbara, it happens
to a lot of very nice,
down to earth human beings.
- We are not talking about
down to earth human beings!
We're talking about mom!
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean.
- Look, Barbara,
all I'm saying is that
in some situations
there really isn't
any right or wrong.
- I'm going.
- [Barbara] Where?
- To the cabin, I
wanna be with Mark.
- What?
- Barbara.
- I don't expect you to,
but I need you to understand.
(audience applauds)
(typewriter clanking)
Honest to god,
you are such a slob.
I tell you, I don't know
how you get any work done
with this mess.
And working in this light.
My heavens, you could go blind.
And look at this counter,
I mean the dust
must be an inch thick.
It's perfectly obvious to me...
(audience laughs)
I don't know what's
perfectly obvious to me.
- You okay?
- I'm cold.
Mark, this is very nice.
You've got good taste.
- Ellen decorated it.
(audience laughs)
- Ellen?
- Yeah.
- This her?
- Ann...
- She's pretty.
And your kids?
- Jeffrey, Laura.
- How old are they?
- Jeffrey's 17, Laura's 20.
Ann, why'd you come?
- (laughs) Standing here
right now I'm not sure.
What's that?
Out of sight, out of mind?
- They're never out of mind.
But then, neither are you.
- Thanks a heap.
Jeffrey's?
- Laura's.
- Mark, tell me about them.
- There's nothing to tell.
They're just kids.
- Mark, I wanna know.
I wanna know about you,
your family, everything.
Please don't be careful with me.
- Alright.
My kids.
- My kids.
- They're beautiful.
I don't know how
they turned out so well.
Probably because
they never listen to me.
- I find that hard to believe.
Laura's?
- Jeffrey's.
- Jeffrey's. (laughs)
- Jeffrey's the
artist, Laura's the...
- The athlete.
- Right.
- Seems to me you like them.
- I like 'em.
I'm embarrassing about them.
Just tell me when to shut up.
- Shut up.
(audience laughs)
- I love you.
- You don't sound
very thrilled about that.
- I'm not.
It hurts.
- Oh. (laughs nervously)
I know.
I love you too.
Oh, Mark.
It's still cold in here.
- Julie, I didn't
sleep at all last night.
- Oh my gosh,
Barbara there was someone
in our room last night snoring.
(audience laughs)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Daddy!
Hi!
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Julie, she's fine too.
- Hi, daddy!
- See? (laughs)
Who?
Mom?
Oh, of course I remember her.
Yes. (audience laughs)
Well, she's not here.
She's gone.
Where?
She went away for
an encounter weekend.
(audience laughs)
Yeah.
No, no, she went with a friend.
Who?
She went with Joyce Somerson.
Yeah.
Okay, daddy, I'll tell
her when I see her.
Okay, me too.
Bye bye.
I lied.
I lied to my own father to
cover up for my own mother.
(audience laughs)
- Morning, girls.
- Hi, Schneider.
- Your mother still in bed?
- Uh. (audience laughs)
- She's not here.
- That's too bad.
I thought I might try to
cheer her up, you know?
Believe me I know how
devastating a busted romance can be.
Without meaning to,
I left quite a trail of
devastation myself.
(audience laughs)
- I'll bet.
- You'd win.
(audience laughs)
Of course, on one or two
occasions tables had been turned
and I have been devastatee.
I remember one
little heartbreaker.
Screaming Mimi,
from Port Hueneme.
(audience laughs)
- Was she married?
- Each time the
fleet came in, yeah.
(audience laughs)
Listen, when is your
mom coming home?
I think I'll take her
over to the lodge.
We having a singles fish fry.
(audience laughs)
- I don't think she's
gonna be able to make it.
- Southern striped
catfish, pure protein.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, she
drove up to Indian Lake.
- Indian Lake?
This time of year?
Why?
I mean even the Chippawas
are going to Miami.
(audience laughs)
- She just drove up there.
- Yeah, but why?
I mean, what's to do up there?
There's just a few cabins.
All you can do is
sit in front of a fire,
have a few drinks, put
another log on the fire.
(audience laughs)
Have a couple of, she went
up there with him, didn't she?
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
No, I'm sorry, she's not here.
No, ma'am, I don't know
when she's gonna be back.
No, there's no man in the house.
- Give me that.
- There is a man in the
house as you can plainly hear!
What can I do for ya?
Encyclopedia Britannica?
Nah, no, no.
Ms. Romanowski
doesn't need them.
No, no, no, she's got
a pocket dictionary.
(audience laughs)
Myself, I use the Farmer's
Almanac, goodbye.
Holy moly!
- Schneider, what
was that all about?
- That's her, that's his wife!
She's checking up on him!
- Come on, Schneider.
- Come on?
What do you mean?
I know the sound of a
jealous wife when I hear one.
That woman is probably
putting two and two together.
Or should I say one and one?
(audience laughs)
And she's making a beeline
for the love nest right now.
- She couldn't be.
Could she?
- You wanna take that chance?
When a jealous wife
pops in on a peccadillo
I see scandal.
I see disgrace.
I see
the shadow of shame.
(audience laughs)
- Well, maybe we better
warn mom just in case.
- We can't.
There's no telephone up there.
- Well, that settles it,
I'll have to drive
up and warn them.
- Schneider, if
this is a false alarm
you're gonna be making
a big fool out of yourself.
- That's a risk I'm
gonna have to take.
This could be a lot of trouble.
You wanna see your
mother on the front page
of the National Enquirer?
(audience laughs)
Hanky Panky in Hoosier Hideaway,
details on page three.
What a turn to page three.
(audience laughs)
Look at that.
Vengeful wife in shootout
with flaming haired harlot.
Additional pictures
in centerfold.
(audience laughs)
(delighted screaming)
(audience laughs)
- I'm the best snowball
thrower in the entire world!
- 'Cause you cheat.
- I know.
I love you.
I'm happy.
(moaning)
You are so wet.
- Cold, cold.
- I know, I'm cold too.
(Ann yells)
- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait up!
- I'ma make some hot chocolate.
- No, no, no you
watch, I create.
- Alright.
Alright, I didn't know
you had it ready mixed.
I got the mugs.
And I got the chocolate.
Warm me, warm me, warm me.
(moaning)
- [Mark] Your nose is cold.
- I know.
- Your lips are cold.
(moaning)
- Mark.
- What?
(audience laughs)
- There's somebody
at the window.
(audience laughs)
Oh my god!
(audience laughs)
- Schneider.
What's he doing here?
- I don't know.
Oh, god, I hope
the girls are okay.
Schneider, get in here!
- What?
- Schneider are the girls okay?
- [Schneider] What?
- Schneider, get in here!
Are the girls okay?
- The girls are fine.
(audience laughs)
But you two are
in a lot of trouble.
- Schneider, what the
hell are you doing here?
- You wanna know why I'm here?
I'll tell you why I'm here.
I'm here to save her life
and maybe your
scalp along with it.
- Oh, come on Schneider...
- Let's get down to basics.
Have you seen any
unwanted faces in that window.
- Just one.
(audience laughs)
- I'm serious, lady.
- Schneider, what the
hell are you talking about?
- I am here
to warn you of an
impending disaster.
(breathes heavily)
- Schneider!
- This jackal's wife
is on her way up here.
- My wife?
- What?
- She called your
apartment this morning.
- You talked to her?
- Absolutely I talked to her.
She tried to pass herself off
as an encyclopedia salesman.
Didn't fool me none.
- Schneider, my wife is on
her way to Hawaii on business.
- Sure, she thinks you and
the kids are in Indianapolis,
so we know for sure
that one of you's wrong.
- Schneider, she's on a plane.
Right now.
Has been since this morning.
(audience laughs)
- Was it a non-stop flight?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Schneider, you're a pip.
- Okay, so it wasn't your wife.
Ms. Romano, I did this
for your own best interest.
That's why I did this.
Now I realize both
of you probably
want me to stay
for a little lunch.
(audience laughs)
You know, what with
the temperature dropping
and the sun hanging
low in the west.
- Schneider.
- It's okay, I got a little
beef jerky in the camper.
(audience laughs)
- Good bye, Schneider.
- Good bye, Ms. Romano.
Before I go,
I just wanna say one thing.
The sins of the father
shall visit the sons.
But the sins of the mother
shall move in with the daughters.
(audience laughs)
(laughing)
- You okay?
- I'm just trying so hard not
to put myself in her place.
- Oh, Ann.
- Mark, the milk!
Oh, oh, Mark!
It's ruined.
- It's alright, we can
make some more.
- I don't just mean the milk.
- [Mark] Oh, come on, Ann.
- It's not gonna work.
- Well it isn't if you let people
like Schneider bother us.
- No.
No, it's not just Schneider.
It's all the rest of it.
It's my kids, it's
your kids, your wife.
- Yeah.
- Sneaking around.
Stealing time.
Being each other's.
Forever.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Mark, it's
just so impossible.
Sweetheart, I just can't.
(Ann sobbing)
- What...
What are you doing
on Tuesday night?
- Seeing you, god help me.
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week
for the concluding episode
of The Married Man.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- [Bonnie] One Day at a
Time was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(sweeper thudding)
- Stupid ass.
(audience laughs)
(sweeper thuds)
(groans) (audience laughs)
(Ann grunts)
- Mom, Barbara
won the ski trophy.
- Yeah, and Julie
won the ski instructor.
(audience laughs)
(door slams)
Mom?
(door slams)
Mom?
- Hi, how was skiing?
(audience laughs)
- It was great.
'Til Barbara broke
both her legs.
- Wonderful.
- Julie made love with
three different guys.
- That's nice.
(audience laughs)
Exercise is very important.
(audience laughs)
(door slams)
(sighs)
- How did your
evening go with Mark?
- Who?
- Mark, you know the one you
said was witty and charming...
- And married.
- Right, and... Married?
Mark Harrison is married?
To a woman?
(audience laughs)
- That is unreal.
- I wish it were.
- Mom, I'm sorry.
At least you found out
before the two of you...
Or pretty soon
after the two of you.
(audience laughs)
- He didn't act married.
He didn't wear a ring,
check his watch,
fall asleep at 10.
- Sounds suspicious to me.
- Didn't you ask him?
- I guess I just
didn't want to know.
- Oh, mom, I'm sorry.
- I know how much
you must be hurting.
- Hurting? Me?
Try a knife in the stomach.
- What did you say
when he told you?
- He didn't tell me.
Schneider did.
- Schneider?
How did he know?
- If Schneider were
interested he could find Bigfoot.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, girls, see the thing is
I'm just this great, big mixture
of moral indignation and
wounded puppy.
See,
with Mark I felt
alive and happy.
Now I just feel so damned empty.
- Is there anything
we can do to help?
- No.
Thank you, I prefer to
strangle him all by myself.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, hi, Barbara,
Julie, you're back.
- Mark, darling.
Girls, say hello
to Karen for me.
- Oh right.
We're gonna go upstairs
and say hello to Karen.
- [Barbara And Julie] For you.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
- Rest in peace.
(audience laughs)
- Well, surprise.
- Hi.
- Sit down.
You must be exhausted.
- Oh no.
I feel great.
Oh, Ann, every time we meet
I feel like I'm seeing
you for the first time.
- (laughs) I feel
the very same way.
- Now this sounds corny
but when I'm with you
I forget myself.
- Among other things.
- What?
I brought you something.
It's our future.
- It's the perfect size.
(audience laughs)
- You see this cabin?
- Yeah.
- I wanna take you there.
- Well, you think we'd fit?
- No, I mean my
cabin at Indian Lake.
I want us to go away
for the weekend.
- Oh, Mark.
Darling, that is really sweet.
Do you mind if I
ask you a question?
- Anything.
- Is your wife coming along?
- Oh my god!
(audience laughs)
- Funny you
forgot to mention it.
- Ann, I...
- Little thing like a wife
just slipped your mind.
- I was going to tell you.
- What the hell
took you so long?
- I was waiting
for the right time.
Just, everything
happened so fast.
I wanted to tell
you but I was afraid.
- I don't blame you.
- Ann, I didn't
want to lose you.
- Why, Mark?
You've always got your wife
and I'm sure you've got plenty
of the others on the
sidelines just warming up.
- Ann, no, you're wrong.
I've been married for 21 years
and I've never been unfaithful.
- What was it with me?
Batting practice?
- I've never been
unfaithful until now.
- Oh gee, Mark, I find
it real hard to believe.
I'm sure that cabin of
yours has seen more action
than the backseat
of a '57 Chevy.
- Ann, please.
Don't lower yourself.
- I don't have to,
you've done it for me.
- Look, you don't
have to believe me.
But if I hadn't met you I'd
still be a faithful husband.
Unhappy, but faithful.
I wasn't looking for
anyone, you were just there.
- It was fate.
- You don't understand do you?
- Come on, Mark, isn't
that what men generally say
about their wives?
They don't understand.
What's the problem
with your marriage, Mark?
Your wife frigid, the
two of you grown apart?
Are you staying together
because of the children?
Tell me, have I missed any
of the appropriate cliches?
- I'm not trying to make points.
Look, you want me to
tell you a big, tragic story?
Well, there isn't any.
I'm ordinary.
What happened to
my marriage is ordinary.
My wife's not a monster,
she's a very nice woman.
She has her career, I
have mine, we coexist,
and that's about it.
Must've been the
same in your marriage.
- I was married
until I wasn't married.
- What does married mean, Ann?
A lot of marriages are over
way before they hit the
courtroom, you know that.
- Yes, I know that.
- Ann, all that's left of my
marriage is the obligation.
And that's strong.
Even when a marriage is lifeless
sometimes you just
have to stay with it
because of the obligation,
and because of the kids.
- Kids.
- Yeah.
A boy and a girl.
- Perfect.
- When they were younger
I didn't wanna miss out
on their growing up and
I didn't want to hurt them.
But now I don't wanna hurt you.
(laughs sarcastically)
Ann.
Before I met you was empty.
I just didn't know how empty.
Do you know what
it's like to have a family
and friends and still
feel only half alive?
Oh, Ann, I need you.
(Ann gasps)
- I...
Can't think.
- I'll go.
I love you, Ann.
I don't know how
much I can give you.
Frankly, I don't know how
much you want me to give you.
All I know is that you
breathe life into me.
(paper rustling)
I'll leave the
directions to the cabin.
I'll be there.
I hope you'll come.
But if you don't I'll...
I'll certainly understand.
You're right, Ann, I should
have told you, I'm sorry.
But I won't apologize
for loving you.
(door slams)
- This sure is delicious.
- Thank you.
- Mom, I cooked it.
- You're welcome.
(audience laughs)
- Mom?
- Hello?
- Sorry.
- Mom, you did the right thing.
- I did the proper thing.
But the right thing?
(chuckles) For whom?
Hey, Barbara, thank you.
This is really lovely.
But...
I'm not hungry.
- How can she be in
love with that turkey?
He's married!
- So, she's in love
with a married turkey.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, he lied to her.
- Barbara, it happens
to a lot of very nice,
down to earth human beings.
- We are not talking about
down to earth human beings!
We're talking about mom!
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean.
- Look, Barbara,
all I'm saying is that
in some situations
there really isn't
any right or wrong.
- I'm going.
- [Barbara] Where?
- To the cabin, I
wanna be with Mark.
- What?
- Barbara.
- I don't expect you to,
but I need you to understand.
(audience applauds)
(typewriter clanking)
Honest to god,
you are such a slob.
I tell you, I don't know
how you get any work done
with this mess.
And working in this light.
My heavens, you could go blind.
And look at this counter,
I mean the dust
must be an inch thick.
It's perfectly obvious to me...
(audience laughs)
I don't know what's
perfectly obvious to me.
- You okay?
- I'm cold.
Mark, this is very nice.
You've got good taste.
- Ellen decorated it.
(audience laughs)
- Ellen?
- Yeah.
- This her?
- Ann...
- She's pretty.
And your kids?
- Jeffrey, Laura.
- How old are they?
- Jeffrey's 17, Laura's 20.
Ann, why'd you come?
- (laughs) Standing here
right now I'm not sure.
What's that?
Out of sight, out of mind?
- They're never out of mind.
But then, neither are you.
- Thanks a heap.
Jeffrey's?
- Laura's.
- Mark, tell me about them.
- There's nothing to tell.
They're just kids.
- Mark, I wanna know.
I wanna know about you,
your family, everything.
Please don't be careful with me.
- Alright.
My kids.
- My kids.
- They're beautiful.
I don't know how
they turned out so well.
Probably because
they never listen to me.
- I find that hard to believe.
Laura's?
- Jeffrey's.
- Jeffrey's. (laughs)
- Jeffrey's the
artist, Laura's the...
- The athlete.
- Right.
- Seems to me you like them.
- I like 'em.
I'm embarrassing about them.
Just tell me when to shut up.
- Shut up.
(audience laughs)
- I love you.
- You don't sound
very thrilled about that.
- I'm not.
It hurts.
- Oh. (laughs nervously)
I know.
I love you too.
Oh, Mark.
It's still cold in here.
- Julie, I didn't
sleep at all last night.
- Oh my gosh,
Barbara there was someone
in our room last night snoring.
(audience laughs)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Daddy!
Hi!
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Julie, she's fine too.
- Hi, daddy!
- See? (laughs)
Who?
Mom?
Oh, of course I remember her.
Yes. (audience laughs)
Well, she's not here.
She's gone.
Where?
She went away for
an encounter weekend.
(audience laughs)
Yeah.
No, no, she went with a friend.
Who?
She went with Joyce Somerson.
Yeah.
Okay, daddy, I'll tell
her when I see her.
Okay, me too.
Bye bye.
I lied.
I lied to my own father to
cover up for my own mother.
(audience laughs)
- Morning, girls.
- Hi, Schneider.
- Your mother still in bed?
- Uh. (audience laughs)
- She's not here.
- That's too bad.
I thought I might try to
cheer her up, you know?
Believe me I know how
devastating a busted romance can be.
Without meaning to,
I left quite a trail of
devastation myself.
(audience laughs)
- I'll bet.
- You'd win.
(audience laughs)
Of course, on one or two
occasions tables had been turned
and I have been devastatee.
I remember one
little heartbreaker.
Screaming Mimi,
from Port Hueneme.
(audience laughs)
- Was she married?
- Each time the
fleet came in, yeah.
(audience laughs)
Listen, when is your
mom coming home?
I think I'll take her
over to the lodge.
We having a singles fish fry.
(audience laughs)
- I don't think she's
gonna be able to make it.
- Southern striped
catfish, pure protein.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, she
drove up to Indian Lake.
- Indian Lake?
This time of year?
Why?
I mean even the Chippawas
are going to Miami.
(audience laughs)
- She just drove up there.
- Yeah, but why?
I mean, what's to do up there?
There's just a few cabins.
All you can do is
sit in front of a fire,
have a few drinks, put
another log on the fire.
(audience laughs)
Have a couple of, she went
up there with him, didn't she?
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
No, I'm sorry, she's not here.
No, ma'am, I don't know
when she's gonna be back.
No, there's no man in the house.
- Give me that.
- There is a man in the
house as you can plainly hear!
What can I do for ya?
Encyclopedia Britannica?
Nah, no, no.
Ms. Romanowski
doesn't need them.
No, no, no, she's got
a pocket dictionary.
(audience laughs)
Myself, I use the Farmer's
Almanac, goodbye.
Holy moly!
- Schneider, what
was that all about?
- That's her, that's his wife!
She's checking up on him!
- Come on, Schneider.
- Come on?
What do you mean?
I know the sound of a
jealous wife when I hear one.
That woman is probably
putting two and two together.
Or should I say one and one?
(audience laughs)
And she's making a beeline
for the love nest right now.
- She couldn't be.
Could she?
- You wanna take that chance?
When a jealous wife
pops in on a peccadillo
I see scandal.
I see disgrace.
I see
the shadow of shame.
(audience laughs)
- Well, maybe we better
warn mom just in case.
- We can't.
There's no telephone up there.
- Well, that settles it,
I'll have to drive
up and warn them.
- Schneider, if
this is a false alarm
you're gonna be making
a big fool out of yourself.
- That's a risk I'm
gonna have to take.
This could be a lot of trouble.
You wanna see your
mother on the front page
of the National Enquirer?
(audience laughs)
Hanky Panky in Hoosier Hideaway,
details on page three.
What a turn to page three.
(audience laughs)
Look at that.
Vengeful wife in shootout
with flaming haired harlot.
Additional pictures
in centerfold.
(audience laughs)
(delighted screaming)
(audience laughs)
- I'm the best snowball
thrower in the entire world!
- 'Cause you cheat.
- I know.
I love you.
I'm happy.
(moaning)
You are so wet.
- Cold, cold.
- I know, I'm cold too.
(Ann yells)
- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait up!
- I'ma make some hot chocolate.
- No, no, no you
watch, I create.
- Alright.
Alright, I didn't know
you had it ready mixed.
I got the mugs.
And I got the chocolate.
Warm me, warm me, warm me.
(moaning)
- [Mark] Your nose is cold.
- I know.
- Your lips are cold.
(moaning)
- Mark.
- What?
(audience laughs)
- There's somebody
at the window.
(audience laughs)
Oh my god!
(audience laughs)
- Schneider.
What's he doing here?
- I don't know.
Oh, god, I hope
the girls are okay.
Schneider, get in here!
- What?
- Schneider are the girls okay?
- [Schneider] What?
- Schneider, get in here!
Are the girls okay?
- The girls are fine.
(audience laughs)
But you two are
in a lot of trouble.
- Schneider, what the
hell are you doing here?
- You wanna know why I'm here?
I'll tell you why I'm here.
I'm here to save her life
and maybe your
scalp along with it.
- Oh, come on Schneider...
- Let's get down to basics.
Have you seen any
unwanted faces in that window.
- Just one.
(audience laughs)
- I'm serious, lady.
- Schneider, what the
hell are you talking about?
- I am here
to warn you of an
impending disaster.
(breathes heavily)
- Schneider!
- This jackal's wife
is on her way up here.
- My wife?
- What?
- She called your
apartment this morning.
- You talked to her?
- Absolutely I talked to her.
She tried to pass herself off
as an encyclopedia salesman.
Didn't fool me none.
- Schneider, my wife is on
her way to Hawaii on business.
- Sure, she thinks you and
the kids are in Indianapolis,
so we know for sure
that one of you's wrong.
- Schneider, she's on a plane.
Right now.
Has been since this morning.
(audience laughs)
- Was it a non-stop flight?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Schneider, you're a pip.
- Okay, so it wasn't your wife.
Ms. Romano, I did this
for your own best interest.
That's why I did this.
Now I realize both
of you probably
want me to stay
for a little lunch.
(audience laughs)
You know, what with
the temperature dropping
and the sun hanging
low in the west.
- Schneider.
- It's okay, I got a little
beef jerky in the camper.
(audience laughs)
- Good bye, Schneider.
- Good bye, Ms. Romano.
Before I go,
I just wanna say one thing.
The sins of the father
shall visit the sons.
But the sins of the mother
shall move in with the daughters.
(audience laughs)
(laughing)
- You okay?
- I'm just trying so hard not
to put myself in her place.
- Oh, Ann.
- Mark, the milk!
Oh, oh, Mark!
It's ruined.
- It's alright, we can
make some more.
- I don't just mean the milk.
- [Mark] Oh, come on, Ann.
- It's not gonna work.
- Well it isn't if you let people
like Schneider bother us.
- No.
No, it's not just Schneider.
It's all the rest of it.
It's my kids, it's
your kids, your wife.
- Yeah.
- Sneaking around.
Stealing time.
Being each other's.
Forever.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Mark, it's
just so impossible.
Sweetheart, I just can't.
(Ann sobbing)
- What...
What are you doing
on Tuesday night?
- Seeing you, god help me.
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week
for the concluding episode
of The Married Man.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- [Bonnie] One Day at a
Time was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.