One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Arab Connection - full transcript

Ann is conducting business with an Arab sheik just as Julie is protesting against his country.

♪ This is it ♪ (This is it)

♪ This is life ♪ The one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ (This is it)

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ (One day at a time)

♪ So up on your feet
♪ (Up on your feet)

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ You just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ (One day at a time)

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ (One day at a time)

♪ One day at a time
♪ one day at a time

(Schneider singing
"Begin the Beguine")


- Hold it, pal.

Can I help you?

- I don't think so.

- Wait a second, big guy.

Didn't we see the
sign in the lobby?

No soliciting.

- (scoffs) The
name is Davenport.

I'm Romano's boss.

- Oh!


Miss Romano's told
me a lot about you,

but she said you were... Well...

Somehow I didn't, uh...

You're not exactly
like I pictured.

- You must be
Schneider, the janitor.

- That'd be
Maintenance Executive.

- You're exactly
like I pictured you.

- I didn't mean to
pull rank on you there,

but this building
is my responsibility

and security is the
name of the game.

- Security, huh?

You're just the man I wanna see.

Can you come in
there for a minute?

(doorbell chimes)

- Sure, but I mean, in 20
years we've only had one

security problem here

and she left. (chuckles)

And I miss her.

- Mr. Davenport!

- Yeah, listen, I hate to bust
up your Saturday, Romano,

but your phone was busy
and this is an emergency.

I need you to play
hostess for someone.

- Who?

- What's going on?

- No back door, huh?

That's perfect.

- Mr. Davenport, who is it?

- Are the door locks good?

- (laughs) Good?

I've had burglars
complain to Ralph Nader.

What's going on?

- Mr. Davenport!

- What?

- Who is it?

- Who's what?

- Who's coming here?

- Abdul Ben Halmi.

That's that Arab oil
sheik, the one who's been

buying up a lot of
businesses around town.

He's coming in here
today to close some deals.

- Well, if he's bringing any
samples, I use unleaded.

- You know what I want
from you, Schneider?

- Hm?

- I want you to make sure
that this building is secure.

I don't want anybody
hassling this guy.

- Don't worry,
nobody'll get near him.

This is right up my alley.

See, in the Navy, I used to be

on the search and destroy team.

- No kidding.

- Shh.

Wiped out every
roach on the ship.

- Ha!

- Tell you what, in
order to make your guy

feel a little more at home,

I'll spread a little
sand in the lobby.

- Did he just tippy
toe off of a spaceship?

- Never mind about him.

You want to tell
me what's going on?

- Ooh, Annie, I may
have just pulled off

the coup of the century.

Every public
relations firm in town

has been after the sheik.

Now, I called him
up in New York City

and I invited him to come to
dinner to my house tonight.

(laughs) I almost fainted
when he accepted.

I mean, if we can
land this account,

it'll take us from
being a nice little

public relations firm,
put us right into orbit.

- Well, could you
splashdown long enough

to tell me how this
dinner got moved

from your place to mine?

- I just gotta keep him
out of sight for a while,

so those other PR vultures
don't swoop down on him.

- Hey, hold on a minute.

You can't just waltz
in here and say,

"My dear, an Arab oil sheik
is coming for dinner tonight."

We're not married.

- One of the reasons I
count myself a lucky man.

Get me a cup of coffee, black.

And don't worry about
giving him any dinner.

All you have to do is give
him some hors d'oeuvres

and conversation.

Just till I get back
from the wedding.

- What wedding?

- My mother-in-law had to
pick tonight to get married.

I'm giving her away.

I've been waiting
to do that for years.

- Sounds like you're
a real family man.

- I'm not talking family,
I'm talking mother-in-law.

Listen, Romano, you
gotta help me out with this.

I got no other choice.

- Thank you.

- You think if I had a choice
I'd let a woman handle this?

All right, here's what
you're gonna do...

- Hey, hold on, you're just
gonna breeze right on by

that sexist remark?

- Oh, will you
stop with that stuff?

This is nothing personal.

You're no worse
than any other woman.

In the Arab view.

It's just that Arabs
are not used to

doing business with women.

- Well, then why
am I handling this?

- Well, that's very simple.

Because Conners is on
vacation, Anderson is sick,

and that gives me two choices:

You or Abe Goldberg.

This is Indianapolis,
not Camp David.

- Yeah, gotcha.

- All right, now
here's the schedule.

The sheik's plane is going to
arrive at 4:34 this afternoon.

Now, he'll try to hide
from the demonstrators

by staying in the
plane for a while

and then he's gonna
come directly to your...

- Wait a minute,
what demonstrators?

- All those yahoos who
blame him for everything

from the price of oil to
the heartbreak of psoriasis.

- Ah!

And that's why he
desperately needs our services.

- Uh, yeah, but just
please calm down a little bit.

Listen to me, look into my eyes.

Now, when I said I
want you to handle this,

I didn't mean business.

I was using the term loosely.

I just want you to try
to charm him a little bit,

keep him interested.

- What do you want
me to do, a belly dance?

- Forget it, Romano, you
don't have the stomach for it.

All right, now, I'm gonna
split from the wedding

just as soon as I
hear those "I dos."

If the groom gets
his glasses fixed,

he might try to run.

- Exactly what is it
that you want me to do?

- I just want you to try
to lay a little groundwork,

you know.

Like, well, tell him what
a creative genius I am.

- Oh, I understand.

You mean, when I
serve the hors d'oeuvres,

you want me to
include a lot of baloney.

- Right.

And don't worry about the cost.

I'll split it with you.

- Gee, Mr. Davenport,

your generosity underwhelms me.

- Please, please just keep
him happy till I get back, huh?

Remember what this means
to Conners and Davenport.

I'm talking power,
influence, prestige...

- And a new
Cadillac for your wife!

- I'm thinking something
in a camel color.

(Ann laughs)

So let there be no
goofs, capeesh?

- Capeesh.

- Oh, and do your
homework on this guy.

They're gonna cover his
arrival on the 5:00 news.

Watch it.

- Ah, yes sir!

- Hey, Romano, you
don't have to do this.

Unless you want
to keep your job.

- How wealthy is
this oil sheik, anyway?

- Oh, well he's got a
palace in his homeland

and he's got a
little place here.

I think they call
it Rhode Island.

- This could be a big
opportunity for you, huh?

- Well, no, not really, Barb.

As I understand it, Arabs
don't like dealing with women

in business affairs.

- Yeah, but what about
their non-business affairs?

All those harems.

Who knows, you might get lucky.

- What I really wanna
do is land this account,

not just babysit for Davenport.

- Barb, get an
apron on, will you,

and let's get started.

- Oh, I can just picture
the scene when he arrives.

He'll be a cross between
Rudolph Valentino and Omar Sharif.

- An Italian Arab?

- He steps into the room...

His white robes fluttering
gently in the breeze.

Your eyes meet and for a
brief moment, time stands still.

And then, without a word...

He moves towards you and
sweeps you into his arms!

What is this strange
feeling that seizes you?

- A slipped disc?

- And then, suddenly, he sees me

and drops you!

Men like younger
women, you know.

He carries me off
to his 85 room tent

and hurls me onto his pillows!

He leans over me,
breathing heavily...


"You know what I want."

"Never! Never," I cry!

"Never will I reveal
our country's formula

for laboratory produced oil!"

And then I faint.

- Brava!

- Hiya there, Miss Romano.

- Hello, Schneider.

- What happened
to Barbara, she faint?

Listen, Miss Romano,
I was thinking.

- Did it hurt?

- Come on, I'm
not fooling around.

I'm serious, Miss
Romano, you know...

I mean, them Arab sheiks,

they're buying
everything in sight.

- Yeah, I know.

- You know and when
they see this building,

I mean there's gonna be
no way for them to resist.

- Right, you're right.

- You know, I don't
wanna suddenly find myself

being replaced by
some desert nomad

working out of a
tent in the lobby.

- Schneider, I wouldn't panic.

He hasn't even been here yet.

- Well, I'm not panicked,
I just thought maybe,

you know, you might
mention my name

in any conversation
you have, you know?

Dwayne Abdul Schneider.

- Gee, uh, Schneider, I didn't
know you were part Arab.

- (chuckles) When my job's
on the line, I'm part anything.

- Look, I'll see what
I can do, you know.

I have trouble of my own.

Evidently, Arabs aren't
used to working with women.

- Ah.

Well, you know,
uh, maybe I can be

of some help to you there,

I'm very, very familiar
with the Arab way of life.

- Really?

- Oh yeah.

When I was in the Navy, we
put into Algiers for three days.

- Well, that certainly
qualifies you.

- Yeah.

Did you know, for
example, that Arab women

are called the
ships of the desert?

- Schneider, those are camels.

- No wonder they
put veils on 'em.

Well, here's
another one for you.

Did you know that Arab
men make their wives

walk five steps behind them?

Except during World
War II, they had to walk

five steps in front of them.

- Isn't that a little
unfair for the woman?

- Well, you think that's unfair,

you know what
happens to an Arab wife

if she gets caught with a little
strange sand in her shoes?

- No, what happens to her?

- She gets stoned.

- (chuckles) Well, so would I.

- I'm talking real stones.

- Schneider, look, I appreciate
your advice, honestly,

but I think it's
a little outdated.

I mean, I'm sure the
sheik is shmart enough...

I'm sure the sheik is shmart...

I'm positive the gentleman
is bright enough to realize

he's dealing with
a modern woman.

- Well, I was, you know, I
was just trying to help a little,

you know?

- Yeah.

Well, thank you, but we
really have to get started here.

- Yeah, well, I'll um...

I'll see you later.

- Okay, bye.

- But before I go, I
just wanna remind you

that you're still a novice

when it comes to dealing
with international foreigners.

So don't ever forget and
please always remember

that great Arab saying,
"It is a wise man who ducks

before the camel spits."

- You nervous about tonight?

- Well, yeah,
sure I am, a little.

- It's gonna be okay.

- Yeah, well I hope so.

Oh, sweetheart, it's after five.

Could you get that
TV set on, honey?

- Oh.

- I'll get that.

(protesters shouting on TV)

- The wealthy Arab
oil sheik deplaned here

just a few minutes ago

and was met by this
group of angry protesters.

- Oh, terrific, he's gonna
be in a peachy mood

when he gets here.

- Police have escorted
sheik Abdul Ben Hamli

to his waiting limousine.

Let's talk to one of
the demonstrators.

Pardon me, miss?

Miss? Pardon me, Miss.

- [Ann] Julie.

- What's this protest all about?

- Oh my god.

- Well, we are
here to serve notice

that the Arabs cannot
buy this country!

(protesters shouting)


They have turned
us into oil junkies

and now that we're hooked,

they think they can
get anything they want

just for an oil fix!

We say no!

- [Protesters] No!

- No to energy blackmail!

- [Protesters] No!

- No to oil inflated prices!

- [Protesters] No!

- No to Arab takeovers!

- [Protesters] No! No!

(TV silenced)

- And no to my career!


- Well, if Julie should drop by,

don't let her leave
without calling home first.

Yes, it's an emergency.

No, nobody died.


- Well?

- She's not at Marcy's either.

- (sighs) Well, keep calling.

We've gotta get her
before she comes home

to tell her not to.

- Where's she supposed to go?

- I hear Afghanistan is
lovely this time of year.

Oh, I tell you,
it's just my luck.

Julie's gonna barge in
here after the sheik arrives.

- Not if we chain lock the door.

- Good thinking.

Oh, I tell you, Julie's
always been a problem.

When I was pregnant
with her, she didn't kick,

she stomped.

(doorbell chimes)

- It's him.

- Uh, Mom, do you
realize this may be

the richest man we'll
meet in our lives?

- Richer than the TV repairman
that was here last week?



- Good evening. Mrs. Romano?

- Yes.

- I'm sheik Abdul Ben Halmi.

- Yes, I know, we've
been expecting you.

Please, come on in.

- Thank you.

It's very gracious of you
to have me to your home.

- Well, uh, thank you.

We're honored.

I'd like you to meet
my daughter, Barbara.

(Barbara giggles)

- You are lovely.

- Oh! (giggles)

So are you.

- Um, please sit down.

- Thank you.

Mr. Davenport said
you have two daughters.

- Oh, yes, I do, but
the other one is out

doing social work.

Barbara, could you do the door?

- The what?

- The door chain,
the door, the...

- Oh! Oh (giggles) yeah.

Uh, we don't want
any weirdos to barge in.

- You have a lovely apartment.

- Oh, thank you.

But I'm sure it's not
anywhere near as lavish

as you're used to.

- Well, let's just say
that I live comfortably.

- Do you have a harem?

- Barbara, the hors d'oeuvres.

- Oh, I was just curious.

- Multiple marriages are
mainly a thing of the past.

Especially with
today's cost of living.

- (laughs) I can imagine.

You must be worn
out from your trip.

- Well, what wore me
out was fighting my way

through the
demonstrators at the airport.

I don't understand
how come the police

didn't clear the area
before my arrival.

- Well, uh, since it
was a peaceful protest,

there was really nothing
for the police to do.

- Well, I hope you're not saying

you support the demonstrators.

- Just their right
to demonstrate.

- I'm afraid there is a
great deal of ignorance

about Arabs in this country.

- Well, then, that's
exactly why you need

a vigorous public
relations campaign

and, frankly, you couldn't
be in better hands than ours.

- Oh, I would enjoy
being in your hands.

- Mr. Halmi,

can I ask you another question?

- But of course.

- How much money do you have?

Oh, I don't mean exactly!

I mean, uh, just
in round billions.

- (laughs) I think I do
need help with my image.

(Ann laughs)

(door thuds)

- Hey, who locked me out?

Open up!


Come on, you
guys, open the door!


- I think there is
somebody at your door.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

- Barbara would
you get the door?

I mean, if it's one of
those door to door people

just get rid of them,
huh? Thank you.


- [Halmi] Thank you.

- [Ann] Uh-huh.

- Mm!

This is delicious, what is it?

- Oh, it's quiche.

You see, it's uh, cheese and
egg and spinach and broccoli

and you put it...
- Lovely, marvelous.

- [Julie] You're
kidding, he's here?

- I'd be glad to give
the recipe to your chef.

- Oh, thank you.

- [Julie] That is
out and out treason!

- Uh, Mom, this door to
door person is very persistent.

- Yes, oh, would you excuse
me for just a moment, Mr. Halmi?

- Oh, yeah.

- Thank you Barbara.

- Oh, no, I'm down. (chuckles)

Can I get you anything?

Coffee, tea, South Dakota?

- [Julie] What do
you mean, get lost?

I have a right to be here!

- Well, uh, I guess
compared to your place,

this must look like a closet.

- [Julie] I am not screaming!

- I think I will
have some coffee.

- Oh, great!

- I'm afraid the demonstration
was very upsetting.

- Well, I can imagine.

I saw it on TV.

- Yeah, I saw that
news report, too.

(cups clatter)

Fortunately, not all
Americans are as, uh,

foolish as that young
girl they interviewed.

I would have liked
to talk to that one.

- Well! (laughs)

You never know.

Allah moves in strange ways.

- I need to you to just
remember what I said.

- Huh, yeah.

And throw away the key.

- Julie, I'd like you
to meet Mr. Halmi,

a distinguished
guest in our home.

Mr. Halmi, this is my
other lovely daughter, Julie.

The quiet one.

- I'm delighted to meet you.

I have the strangest feeling...

Have we met before?

- You know, all we
Americans look alike. (laughs)

(mouthing words)

- Uh, please!

Uh, please sit down, Mr. Halmi.

Uh, no, not there, this is a
much more comfortable place.

This is good for
you, Julie, here,

facing that direction there.


I'll sit, too.

Barbara, why don't you sit down?

We'll sit first, of
course, yes, naturally.


Uh, where were we?

Oh, yes, public relations.

Um, you do agree that your
public image needs improving?

- Oh, definitely.

- Well, good, then you couldn't
have come to a better firm

than Conners and Davenport.

- Is this Turkish coffee?

It's delicious.

- Uh, no, espresso.

- Ah!

- I'm sure that we can
work on a campaign

to improve that image.

(Julie whimpers)

- Is this made with
a steam machine?

- Just a spoon in
a jar. (chuckles)

- You know, perhaps we
can discuss some ideas

for special stories to release.

Uh, for instance, we
could do a story exploding

some of the myths
about your customs.

Or, uh, I have another idea.

You know, we could do a story

talking about how your
money stimulates our economy.

Well, uh, what do you think?

- I think there's something
wrong with your daughter.

- Mr. Halmi, I think that
you're trying to avoid

discussing business with me.

- Oh, believe me,
it's nothing personal.

I find you absolutely charming.

- Thank you.

I find you
absolutely frustrating.

Why won't you discuss
business with me?

- I assure you,
it's not your fault.

- You mean it's not
my fault I'm a woman?

- No, no, Mrs. Romano,
I respect women.

I revere women.

- As long as they
remain in the kitchen

and the bedroom where
they belong, is that it?

- Have you heard of the ERA?

- The ERA?

Is it for sale?

- No!

And neither is this country!

- Julie, you promised...
- Mom!

I'm sorry, I just
can't sit there.

I can't sit there and
listen to all of this!

- Uh, young lady, I don't...

You are the one
from the television!

And if you want to clear
up some misunderstanding

about me and my people,
you better start at home.

- Mr. Halmi...

- You use all the money you make

to take over our
lands and businesses.

Before you know it, you're
gonna own everything.

- I'm afraid you
overestimate Arab wealth.

- Do I?

- Yes.

- On just the money
you take in from oil,

it would take you only five
months to buy Manhattan,

four months to buy
General Motors,

and only 26 years to
buy out every stock listed

on our exchange.

- Julie.

Julie, no matter
what your feelings are,

and I really respect the
fact that you feel so strongly

about this,

you've gotta remember
that in every issue

there are at least two sides

and Mr. Halmi is a
guest in our home.

- He's your guest,
Mom, not mine.

- Did you know that Arab
investment in this country

support at least
two million jobs?

And for your information, the
last two American companies

I bought, I bought
from the Japanese.

And they bought them
from the Germans.

- You mean there's
an American company

making Japanese Volkswagens?

- Barbara, this is not funny.

This man is causing inflation.

- I'm causing inflation?

- That's right.

All of our problems are
because of the prices of oil.

- Well, I'm afraid it's
not as simple as that.

And what is wrong
with getting a price

for the only major
product we have?

Besides sand.

(doorbell chimes)

- I will tell you what
is wrong with it!

Oil is not like coffee,

you can't stop using it when
the price gets outrageous.

- Oh, Julie!

- Mr. Halmi.

- Mr. Davenport!

- Mom, come on, you
feel the same way I do.

Now, you wanna
hear what she says

every time she drives
up to a gas station?

- Uh...
- No, he doesn't!

Who is this?

- That's my daughter.

- That's no excuse.

- I know.

- If I may say so, you
Americans are very spoiled.

You're only two percent
of the world's population

and yet you consume 45
percent of the world's energy.

- Hi, Mr. Halmi,
I'm Jerry Davenport.

Listen, I'm sorry
I'm late, uh...

- Mr. Davenport, do
you wanna do business

with a man who is
buying our country?

- What a kidder! (laughs)

- As I recall, you bought
Alaska from the Russians,

Louisiana from the French,

and Manhattan from the Indians.

- I hear of an Arab who
is trying to buy the Alamo

for his son.

- Before I leave this country,

I hope to visit the
London Bridge in Arizona

and the Queen
Mary in California.

- Leave our country? (scoffs)

I thought you were
gonna take it with you.

- Julie!

- I told you to entertain him,

but not with a
knife throwing act.

Mr. Halmi, I apologize.

If it hadn't been for
my dear mother-in-law,

another woman, this
never woulda happened.

- Mr. Davenport, I was
ready to do business

with your company,
but as it stands now,

I don't think I can
go ahead with...

- Mr. Halmi, we apologize, too.

- We do?

- Yes, we do.

We haven't been very gracious.

But you have to
understand, this whole issue

is just so emotional.

I don't know, it gives us
such a feeling of helplessness.

It just makes us angry.

- Well, I understand.

This is all new to all of us.

It's only in my
lifetime that we Arabs

are finally controlling
our own wealth.

And it's creating a lot
of problems in the world.

I apologize, too.

- Thank you.

- Then you'll work
with my mother?

- I'm afraid I'm not
ready to move that fast.

(Davenport laughs)

- Well, the only man
available is Abe Goldberg.

- Are you crazy?

- Goldberg? A Jew?

- Oh, I'd never take her
advice, Mr. Halmi, I assure you.

- I'll be glad to
meet Mr. Goldberg.

At least he and I will
understand each other.

- That's beautiful.

I mean that's just...

You're my kind of sheik.

Well, let's go, hmm?

- Mrs. Romano.

- Mr. Halmi.

- Barbara.

- Bye.

- Goodbye, Julie.

- Goodbye, Mr. Halmi.

But I still say...
- Uh-uh, uh-uh!

- That's all right.

I understand.

I have two teenagers.

One of them lives at home,

the other lives
in a tree in India.

(Ann laughs)

- Well, come on,
we'll go to my place.

- You don't have
daughters, do you?

- Who me?

You kidding?

No, absolutely not.

Wouldn't touch 'em with
a ten foot pole! (laughs)

Call my wife, tell her to
get the girls out of the house.

(funky music)

- [Ann] One Day at a Time
was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

(dramatic music)