One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 9 - Barbara's Friend: Part 1 - full transcript

Barbara tries making friends with a girl that is too pushy and clingy.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it's all

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- [Julie] How's that?

- It feels terrific.

- [Julie] Okay, get up here.

- All right.

I really appreciate
this, you know.

- Oh, it's no problem.

I love to sew.

Have you been on a diet?

- No, I've just
been working out.

Me and this young
lady been running

in the park every morning.

- Really, what's her name?

- I don't know, I
haven't caught her yet.

- Would you hold still?

- Are you sure your mom
doesn't mind you doing this?

- Of course not.

And you didn't have to
leave the door wide open.

I mean, you really
a puritan, aren't you?

- Nah, that's just a habit.

I mean, a locked door and me.

That's a lot of
temptation for any woman.

- Hold still, let me get
this last pin in there.


Schneider, I'm sorry.


- I'm not here, I'm
not home, I don't exist.

If anybody asks for me,
you never heard of me.

- Schneider, you're
not bleeding, are you?

- I hope not.

I already gave at the office.

- Barbara, what happened?

- Oh, it's this
new girl in school.

She's really bugging me.

She's a leech, I
can't get rid of her.

- Now you know what
it's like to have a kid sister.

- Julie, it's no joke.

Every time I turn around,
there she is, hanging on me.

You know, some
kids want to know what

you're doing for lunch.

She wants to know what
you're doing for February.

- Schneider, get up here.

- This is the same place
I got the purple heart.

- You want to know what I
had to do today to get rid of her?

I had to sneak out
through the boy's gym.

- The boy's gym?

- Yeah well, you might
as well make the best

out of a bad situation.

- Schneider, you can
slip your pants off now.

I'll hem them up.


- Just because I got dynamite
legs I'm not going public.

- You can stand in
there behind the counter.

- Come on Schneider,
your virtue is safe with us.

- All right, okay,
it's just that I am

unaccustomed to
taking off my pants

without a drum roll.

(phone rings)

- That's her, I
know it, it's Melanie.

She's been trying to do
something with me all day today.

Please, you've got to
tell her that I'm not home.

Right, I'm not
home, I'm not home.

- Hello?


- If you say I'm here, I'll
put Nair in your shampoo.

- Sorry, she's not here, Cliff.

- Cliff?

Cliff Randall, calling me?

Hi everybody, I just got
home, it's me Barbara.




Oh, he hung up.

You've just ruined
my life forever.

- [Julie] Can I have
your pants, Schneider?

- Is there a window open here?

I feel a draft.

- I have been dying for
Cliff Randall to call me.

He just got two tickets
for the Grateful Dead

concert tonight and he
just broke up with Susie.

I thought he was gonna ask me.

- Phone him back.

- You want me to call him?

I could never do
that, I've got my pride.

- Pride goeth before the fall.

- Proverbs, verses 16, 18.

- Evel Knievel,
Snake River, Idaho.

- Oh, it's busy.

Oh, I knew it'd be busy.

He's calling Maryanne Crowley.

- What makes you so sure?

- Barbara Cooper,
Maryanne Crowley.

He's still on the C's.


- Who is the idiot that
chain locked this door?

- Coming.

- Hi.


- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Ms. Romano.

- What's in the bag?

- It was our dessert.

Three chocolate eclairs.

It's still our dessert.

Three chocolate gushies
in a bag of yellow cream.

- Sorry.

- Yeah, why the chain lock?

- There's this
new kid in school.

- Boy or girl?

- Think she'd try
and lock a boy out?

- No, but you might
try to lock them in.

- It's a girl, Melanie.

She keeps following me.

I know she wants
to come over here.

She keeps hanging on me,
she keeps clutching at me.

- I know the problem well.

- Why don't you tell
her you'd be studying?

- You want me to lie?

- No, I want you to study.

- I'd rather lie.

- Hey Barbara, come on now.

It wasn't too long
ago, you know,

since you were the
new girl in school.

I really think there
should be some...

Schneider, where are your pants?

- I don't have them on.

Hold on, my pants.

I was running in the park.

I was chasing a girl
and I lost some weight.

I didn't do nothing.

- Mom, I've got his pants.

- Excuse me?

- I'm taking them in for him.

They're too big.

- The door was open, so help me.

- I believe you.

- Mother.

- Oh yeah darling, I'm sorry.

Melanie, right?

Do I know her?

- No, but how am I
gonna get her off my back

without hurting her feelings?

- I don't know, I suppose.

Rosebud shorts?

- Well they're kind
of a thank you gift

from a grateful lady friend.

Julie, can I have my pants?

- In a minute.

- Come on, everybody.

Melanie's gonna show
up here any minute

and I don't want to see her.

- Oh come on, the least
you could do is be polite.

- I've been polite,
that's the problem.

I encouraged her.

I said hello.

- That's how I got
the rosebud shorts.

- It's not just me,
nobody likes her.

Can't you remember
somebody in school

everybody tried to duck?

- Sure, but I
hung right in there.

They couldn't scare me.

- Mom, come on.

What am I gonna do?

- Oh yeah, well I think that...

- Barbara, it just so happens
that at this exact moment,

you are consorting
with an expert

on the delicate art
of ditching chicks.

Now believe me,
the longer you wait,

the tougher it's gonna be.

If you want to dump
her, you dump her fast,

you dump her cold,
you dump her now.

- She thinks I'm
her best friend.

She lives in a fantasy world.

- Then dump her at Disneyland.

- You know, in his own

basic way, Schneider's
got the right idea.

I mean, sometimes you
got to be honest with people,

even if it hurts their feelings.

- I don't want to
hurt her feelings.

- Then be subtle.

You can say, hey
Melanie, I love your T-shirt.

Too bad you're in it.

- You want to know
a sure fire way of

getting rid of a
16 year old girl?

- [Barbara] Yeah.

- 17 year old boy.

- In his own way, that's not...

(phone rings)

- That's Cliff.

Hello, Cliff?

Oh, hi Mrs. Bronson.

Yeah, he's here.

Well sure, I'll tell him.

Okay, bye.

Old Mrs. Bronson has a
bad leak in her water bed.

- Uh oh.

I better get down
there before she

goes out with the tide.


When am I gonna have my pants?

- Here, why don't you wear this?

- Schneider, I've got
to tell you something.

You really, you
look very pretty.

- Cute.

- Precious.


- If anybody asks, just tell
them I'm going to a luau.

- Aloha.

- A luau.

- A luau.

- Aloha.

♪ Aloha 'oe ♪ Aloha 'oe

Sorry kid, but
my book is filled.

- Does Barbara Cooper live here?

- It's Melanie.

- Yes.

- Yeah, she's right
here behind the sofa.

- Hi, Barbie doll.

Where have you
been hiding yourself?

Boy, are you hard to find.

- Melanie, hi.

Gee, what a surprise.

Imagine running into you
here behind my own sofa.

- I looked all over school.

Even where I
found you yesterday,

the third floor broom closet.

I said to her, what are
you doing, studying broom?


It was funny yesterday.

Right Barbie?

Right, right?

- Oh right, you had to be there.

- Excuse me.

I'm Barbara's mother.

- So you're Mom.

I can't tell you all
I've heard about you.

Your hair is beautiful,
really beautiful.

- Thank you.

- I wish mine were that color.

- It can be, we've got a
whole quart in the bathroom.

- Don't tell me,
you're big sister, Julie.

Any sister of Barbara's
is like a sister of mine.

I want you to think of
me just like you do her.

- I do.

- Melanie, you want a
rootbeer or something?

- Oh thank you.

But only if Barbie
is having one.

Are you gonna have one, Barbie?

- No, I can't stay.

I mean, I'm really
not thirsty right now.

- Oh you're going someplace?

You can't do that,
I need your help.

You're my best
friend, aren't you?

Barbara's my best friend.

You are my best friend, right?

- Melanie, well, gee, well,

I don't know quite
how to put this, really.

The truth is,

truth is, that
well, I got a date.

A real heavy date.

- [Melanie] Really, who is he?

- You wouldn't know him.

- No, no, wouldn't know him.

- What's his name?

- His name.

- Yes, what's his name?

Why are you trying
to keep it from me?

- Oh no, I'm not trying to keep,

it's just a simple little date.

His name is, well,
Dwayne Schneider.

- Must have been the rosebuds.

- Dwayne Schneider?

- Yeah, he's a super guy.

- Here's your mumu.

- I'll take that, you got
Mrs. Bronson, okay?

- Oh no, that was
just a false alarm.

She didn't have any
leak in her water bed.

She just dropped her
hearing aid in her martini.


- [Barbara] Bye, Schneider.

- You're Dwayne Schneider?

- Will you look at this?

Even the kids know about me.

A legend in my own time.

- Barbara...
- Studying broom.

Melanie, I just
got it and it's funny.

- You lied to me, you lied.

- I'm sorry, Melanie, I just
didn't want to go out right now

and I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

- You could never
hurt my feelings.

You're my best
friend, right, right?

- Melanie, could you
pull on the other arm?

This one's getting long.


- Barbara's so funny.

Just come with me,
it won't take long.

I want you to meet my boyfriend.

- Melanie, I got to
eat dinner and I got

a lot of homework to do and,

you got a boyfriend?

- Well, almost.

Not quite, but almost.

After math class he spoke to me.

- That's good.

- I remember just what he said.

He said, hey kid, you
dropped your book.

- Then he asked you for a date?

- No, then he pointed.

- I get the same reaction
from an Irish setter.

- I know he's interested,
he told some guys

real loudly that he'd be at the
Burger Shack this afternoon.

I couldn't miss the hint.

- Why do you want me to go?

- Because I need
your help, Barbara.

I need your help, I wouldn't
know what to say alone.

Please, you got
to help me, please?

- Barbara, Barbara, I
think you should help her.

I mean, well you
see, a 17 year old boy

could keep a 16
year old girl real busy.

- Right, of course.

Hey Mel, what are friends for?

- [Melanie] Best friends.

- Well Ma, can we go
down there right now?

- Yeah sure, dinner can wait.

- Oh thanks Mom,
you're terrific.

See you later, kid.

Come on, let's go.

- What's the name of this
Mr. Wonderful, anyway?

- Cliff Randall.

- Cliff Randall?

- You know him?

- Yeah, sorta.

- Good, that'll make
it easier, come on.

- Melanie, Melanie.

Barbara can't go out tonight.

- What do you
mean, she can't go?

- Well, it's my birthday.

- Your birthday was
last week when Barbara

couldn't go to the
movies with me.

You're so funny.

Come on, let's go.

I'm so excited that you're
gonna come with me.

This guy is the cutest
guy you've ever seen

in your entire life.

- Nice try, Julie.

- Mom, that girl
is a real creep.

Glad she's not my best friend.

But you're my best
friend, right Mom, right?

Right Mom?

- Hi, Mrs. Randall?

This is Barbara
Cooper from school.

Yeah, is Cliff still there?

Oh, do you know
where he's going?

Hmm, well if he
happens to come back

from where he's
going, could you tell him

not to go where he's going?

Oh okay, thank you.

- What was that all about?

- Well, it's Grandpa.

They can't find him, he drinks.


You know, maybe it's
not such a good idea

for you to meet
him here like this.

It's still not too
late to duck out.

- Duck out, why would I
want to duck out, why?

- Well, because guys
are funny, you know?

Sometimes they
lose respect for girls

they pick up in a
singles hamburger joint.


- You're funny.

But it isn't that way.

Now, Cliff's seen me in school.

I saw him look at me.

- Well, there's a lot
of times when guys

just look at girls.

- It was the way
he looked at me.

When I bent over
to pick up that book.

- That's one of the times.

- What are you saying?

Are you saying
he doesn't like me?

Is that what you're
trying to say?

- No no, I didn't say that.

- You did say that.

Cliff has seen me
in school and he did

hint for me to meet him here.

- Look, I just don't
want you to be hurt if...

- You don't have to protect me.

- I'm not trying to
protect you, I just don't...

- Hey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry Barbie, okay?

Really, I am.

- Look, Melanie.

I want us to be honest
about our being friends.

- Not just friends,
best friends.

Oh hey, I bought you something.

- What's this?

- A glass giraffe.

- Aww, Melanie.

You didn't have to do that.

- You don't like it?

- No now, I didn't
say I didn't like it.

- You should like it.

It's the one you were
looking at in the gift shop.

- Huh?

- You don't even remember.

When I was walking by
I almost didn't see you

because you were looking
in the window like this.

- Oh right, yeah,
right, now I remember.

Of course I remember.

The giraffe, glass
giraffe, long neck.

- Right.


- Oh that's really
very nice of you

but you shouldn't have
gone through all that trouble.

- It's no trouble, no trouble.

There he is.

See, he waved at me.

- Yeah, he waved at you.

- Barbie, you got to
carry the conversation.

I'll freeze, I know I will.

- Hiya, kid.

- Hi Cliff.

You know Barbara.

- Yeah.

- Sit down, sit down.

- So, what's new?

- Not much.

- Did you see any
interesting records over there?

- Roller Coaster,
Sudo, Hotel California.

There's nothing but
the old standards.


- Old standards, that's funny.

- Yeah.

Nostalgia's very big.

- Yeah, well they
change so fast.

You got to keep up, right?

- Right, right, you're
right, you're right.

He's really right,
isn't he right, Barbie?

- Oh right, yeah, right, right.

You're right, Cliff.


- Yeah, I guess I was.

What'd I say?


- You're funny.

- Yeah.

Hey, guess what?

- What?

- I got lucky.

I got two tickets to the
Grateful Dead concert tonight.

- Really, they're my favorite.

- And it just so happens
that I just broke up with Susie.

- Susie.

Oh wow, that's too bad.

- Yeah.

- Well, it's not too too bad.

- Hey listen.

I was thinking, since I
have those two tickets

to the Grateful Dead concert...

- Wow, the Dead.

They are the greatest.

I mean, you can
scream and yell and you

can't even hear yourself.

That's music.

- Yeah.

Well look, Barb...

- I understand Melanie's
in your math class.

- Who?

- Melanie, here, she's
in your math class.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- It's funny, isn't it?
- Hey listen, Barb.

- I mean, how you can

see someone every day and
even - Susie's loss might as well

be your gain, and I
mean, - have a sort of thing

and never really be -
there's no sense in wasting

those two tickets.
- Formally introduced.

- Cliff, not now.

- What do you mean, not now?

What's wrong with now?

- Nothing's wrong...

- Hey hey, wait a minute.

I have never had so much trouble

trying to ask for a
date before in my life.

- I accept.

- You accept?

Who's asking you?

I was asking Barbara.

- Barbara?

- Cliff...

- Look, you want to go to
the concert with me or not?

- Well yeah, I want to go...
- Okay.

- Barbara.

- Melanie, I'm sorry.

- Sorry?

No wonder you were so eager
to come down here with me,

so you could
steal Cliff from me.

- From you?

- Yes.

- Look.

Cliff, can I call you
later, okay please?

- Yeah, okay.

I'll pick you up at eight.

I'll see you later, Madeline.

- Melanie.

- Right, history class.

- Math class.

- Yeah right, whatever.

- Cliff.


How could you do this to me?

- Please Melanie,
people are gonna stare.

- Pretending to be my
friend, my best friend,

and stealing my date.

- I did not steal
Cliff from you.

Your thing with Cliff
was your own fantasy.

- No, he was
interested in me until

you started coming
on, I know it, I know it.

- Coming on?

He doesn't even know you exist.

Madeline from history class.

- Some best friend.

- I'm not your best friend.

- I'll say you're
not my best friend.

You're my worst friend.

- I'm not your worst friend.

I'm not your best friend,
I'm not any kind of friend.

If I was your friend,
I'd be your only friend.

- Well, I don't
care what you say

because it doesn't matter.

You don't matter and
Cliff doesn't matter.

- Oh wait, Melanie, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean...
- You lied to me.

You lied about your
date, about Julie's birthday,

about everything.

You're not my friend,
nobody's my friend.

- [Barbara] I'm sorry.

- That's okay too, it's okay.

Because all friends do
is take advantage of you.

- No that's not
true, Melanie, really.

I just lost my
temper, that's all.

(glass shattering)

Oh Melanie.

- Don't worry
about it, it's okay.

It doesn't matter.

You don't have to
worry about me anymore.

I won't bother you anymore.

And I won't bother
Cliff anymore either.

I won't bother anybody anymore.

I won't bother anybody.

- I'm telling you,
these feel fine.

These are terrific now.

- Schneider, no no,
they're too baggy back here.

Let me just fix
this little thing,

this last pin here,
it'll just take a sec.


- You must love to play darts.

You've been scoring
eights and nines all day.

I'm getting out of here
before you try for a 10.

- What's wrong with you now?

- Cliff asked me to the
Grateful Dead concert.

- That's a bummer?

- Right in front of Melanie.

- That's a bummer.

- What'd you say?

- I accepted.

Oh Mom, it's all your fault.

- Yeah okay, of
course it's my fault.

But just for the
record, what'd I do?

- You told me to be
honest with people.

Even if it hurts their feelings.

Well I hope you're happy
because now Melanie hates me.

Oh Mom, it was terrible.

Melanie trusted me
and I really hurt her.

- Oh my darling, if
you went through life

without hurting
anybody, you'd be the first

cheerleader to be canonized.

- Look at the bright side.

You and Melanie
couldn't part friends,

so you did the next best thing.

You parted enemies.

- I don't want to part enemies.

I just wanted to part.

I feel like a rat.

How can I go to the
concert with Cliff now?

- I'm sure you'll find a way.

- I know I will, that
makes me even rattier.

- My love, I think you
are suffering from the

I want everybody
to like me syndrome.

- What's wrong with that?

- Doesn't work.

No matter how hard you
try, some people will like you

and some people won't.

So, if you don't try so
hard, I guarantee you

that some people will like
you and some people won't.

- You know Mom,
sometimes you're inspiring

and sometimes you're not.

- Oh honey, Melanie is
just one of those people

that creates their own problems.

- All she wanted was
for somebody to like her.

- Honey, can't you just
forget the whole thing

and have a good time
at the concert tonight?

- How can you even talk
about going to the concert?

The concert.

Cliff's gonna pick me up here.

What am I gonna wear?

It's got to be
something sexy but safe.

- Yeah well, how about

the blue? (phone rings)

- Hello?


- You don't like me.

- What?

- Nobody likes me.

- What are you talking about?

- Nobody understands me.

Nobody, my parents
don't understand me.

Nobody's ever understood me.

- Melanie, what are
you talking about?

- Nobody understands me.

Nobody likes me.


- Melanie.

Melanie, what's the matter?

No, Melanie, don't
say that, okay?

No come on.

Melanie, don't say
that, you're scaring me.

Don't say that, okay?


No, Melanie, don't.

No you can't, stop it.

- What?

- Melanie.

- [Ann] Barbara.

- Oh Mom help, Melanie's
trying to kill herself.

- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week

for the concluding
episode of Barbara's Friend.

(upbeat music)

- [Ann Voiceover] One
Day At A Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

(upbeat music)

(soft jingle)