One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 5 - Ann's Out-of-Town Client - full transcript

A client from out of town has more than business on his mind.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- I'll never find a decent job.

- Well look, what
about this one?

Hairdresser wanted.

- That takes a lot of training.

- Not here.

It's a mortuary.

You only have to do the front.

- Remember, girls, I am going
to be out for dinner tonight.

- That's all right, Mom.

Barbara and I are going to
go downtown to have dinner

and then go see a film.


- Good luck with that
lawnmower guy, Mom.

- No, no, no.

Mr. Quincy is not
the lawnmower guy.

He is president of the company.

He's my largest account.

- Where are you going
to take him to dinner?

- To the most outrageously
expensive place I can find.

After all, they owe me.

I mean, I consider it a reward

for being outrageously
good at my job.

All right, any suggestions now?

I mean, I thought maybe
the Escoffier Room or Le Petit.

- Don't ask me.

My date's idea of an
outrageously expensive meal

is a quarter pounder.

- Speak for yourself.

Tony always takes me to
the continental restaurants.

Le Colonel de Kentucky.

- Hey, Mom.

What's this big date look like?

- It's not a big
date, it's business.

- Well, couldn't it be both?

I mean, you're not
getting any younger.

I mean, he does own the company.

- He's pushing 60, married,

past president of the Terre
Haute Chamber of Commerce,

and a pillar of the community.

- Sounds boring.

- What are you
going to talk about?

- Oh, lawnmowers, edge trimmers.

- Oh wow.

- Oh honey, that's
just for openers.

As the evening
progresses and the wine

begins to take effect,
and the lights burn low,

we'll look into each
other's eyes and I'll tell him

how fantastic his
fertilizer spreader is.

- You spread it
pretty good yourself.

I know.

That's the heart of the
public relations business.

Here, I'm going to
give you an example.

Right here in this briefcase
is The Nurseryman's Journal.

And Mr. Quincy was thrilled

when I could get his
mower on the cover.

- Boy, she's really stacked.

- Ah, honey, forget
the model there, huh.

Don't you see the
lawnmower she's pushing.

- Sure, sure.

I see it, and you
see it, and you see it.

What man is going to see it?

- How are you, Ms. Romano?

Am I butting in?

- No more than usual.

- Good.

Have you seen old Mr. Peabody?

- Uh-uh.

- His wife is looking for him.

Oh that guy.

Every time he gets a social
security check, he splits.

- He's in a wheelchair.

- I didn't say it was easy.

- Schneider, would you
look at this magazine

and tell me what you see.

I see a young woman

who has been fed a lot of corn.

- No, Schneider,
what else do you see?

- Well, I see a
very happy bikini.

- Schneider.

- With no vacancies.

- Schneider, what
is she pushing?

- This chick is a pusher?

- I think Mom wants you
to notice the lawnmower.

- Oh yeah, that's a Quincy
model 212 with the rotary mower.

- Hey, how'd you know that?

- I just took one back.

It's a dog.

- It's a very good mower.

- Mom handles the account.

She got that
picture on the cover.

- Oh, you hire the models, huh?

- Yeah, sometimes,
if the client approves.

- You thinking of becoming
a model, Schneider?

- Don't laugh, giraffe,
I'd be dynamite.

Actually I'm asking on behalf
of my friend, Dora Hoffman.

She was runner up in the
Miss Baked Potato Festival

in Pocatello.

Believe me, she would have won

if it was Miss Stuffed Potato.

- Well uh, that's
terrific, Schneider.

And if we need any
potatoes, I'll let you know.

- Look, Ms. Romano, I would
really like to do her a favor.

- Girls, I'll be at work.

If I don't see you before
dinner, I'll be at Le Petit.

- Okay, good luck
with Mr. Quincy.

- Have a good time.

- Your mom is taking
Mr. Quincy to dinner tonight?

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess I better
go try to find Mr. Peabody

before he gets his wheelchair
caught in the train tracks

and he winds up in
a roundhouse again.

- Pat, I know we didn't
hire you to make coffee.

Why don't you
pretend you're on one

of your 15 coffee breaks
and bring me some.

And tell Romano to
get her butt in here.


Tell Romano to please
get her butt in here.

- You asked to see
me, Mr. Davenport?

- Yeah, come on in, Romano.

Sit down.

Quincy in town yet?

- Yes, he is.

He checked into his hotel.

I had a driver
go to pick him up.

Why is that running?

- It's a present from the wife.

I promised her
I'd use it everyday.

You know, Ann, I gotta tell ya.

When the company hired you

my gut reaction was.

You know what I mean?

But I gotta admit, I was wrong.

You've done more to
goose up the Quincy account

in one year than
Charlie did in five.

- Thank you, Mr. Davenport.

- We're not talking raises.

- I know we're
not talking raises.

- But just to show
you our appreciation

I want you to take
the rest of the day off.

Have a good day, see you
in the morning, goodbye.

Pat, where the hell's my coffee?

- Hey, wait a minute here.

What about Mr. Quincy?

- Ah, don't worry about that.

Charlie'll take him out tonight.

Pat, coffee.

- Hold it.

This is my account,
not Charlie's.

- Hey Romano,
don't worry about it.

Go home, go on, go ahead.


- Um, Mr. Davenport,
why am I getting

this little tap dance here?

Don't you think a woman
can wine and dine a client?

- Oh, Ann, please,
not that lib stuff again.

I'm converted, believe me.

- What have you
been doing, your nails?

Look, Ann, Connors and
Davenport do not discriminate.

We are an equal
opportunity employer.

- Then give me an
equal opportunity.

- All right, all right.

- Here, you've arrived.

The key to the
executive men's room.

- Thank you.

Now, Mr. Davenport.

I have doubled this
account in less than a year.

I've got major press releases
in every paper in the Midwest.

I've spent hours at home shows.

- Yeah, I know, but Charlie...

- I've given up weekends,

I've missed dinners
with my family.

- Yeah, but Charlie...
- This is my baby.

Now Mr. Quincy is coming
into town to renew his contract,

and I am going
to close the deal.

- Wonderful, but Charlie...

- Charlie, Charlie,
what can Charlie

do for Mr. Quincy that I can't?

- Get him some girl
to go nighty night with.

- What?

What word didn't you understand?

- Mr. Quincy?

Nice Mr. Quincy?

- What do you think
he comes into town

once a year for, to
get a frozen yoghurt?

- I don't believe it.

I've been in his
home, I've met his wife.

- So have I, believe it.

- No, no.

Business does not
have to be like that.

- Business has
always been like that.

Ever since Adam took R
and R in the Garden of Eden.

- I refuse to do it.

- Atta girl, I'll call Charlie.

- No you won't.

- Look, Ms. Romano,
you're the libber.

You want to put
some girl out of work.

- Now you're being crude.

- Crude, what's crude?

Come on, it's not crude.

It's all very discrete.

Look, Charlie takes Quincy
to a very nice restaurant.

A pretty girl just happens
to come by and say hello.

Charlie just happens to get

a pounding headache
and he splits.

- No way.

Now whatever Mr. Quincy
has in his mind is his problem.

But this is my
account, not Charlie's.

Now I'm going to
handle it my way.

No headaches.

A nice, decent, dignified
business dinner, period.

And if you don't let me,

I'll just take his account
to another company.

- You wouldn't dare.

- Try me.

I assume that Mr. Quincy
wants to sell lawnmowers

the other 364 days of the year.

- Yeah, but on Christmas
he expects a little present.

- This isn't Christmas.

- It could be for him.

Come on, Ann.

Quincy works hard all year.

He looks forward to
his annual visit here.

And if he doesn't get a
pretty little package to unwrap,

there's not going to be
any Christmas for any of us.


Yeah, send him in.

He's here.

- Well, do I take him
to dinner, or do I quit?

- Okay, dinner.

Don't quit, promise me.

Whatever you do, don't quit.

'Cause if you louse
this up I want to fire you.

Hey, Claude.

How goes it?

Great, great.

You know, I feel
like a million dollars.

I always look forward to
these trips to the big city

to sample the frozen
yogurt, hey, yeah, yeah?

- Hello, Mr. Quincy.

- Ms. Romano, how
nice to see you again.

- Thank you.

- You know, I was just,

where's Charlie?

- I'll get him.

- No, no, no.

I'm sorry, Mr. Quincy, but
Charlie's tied up tonight.

- Oh.

- I'll be entertaining you.

- Oh?


- For dinner.

- Oh yes, yes, for dinner,
for dinner, for dinner.

- Oh, which reminds me.

I have to make a reservation.

I'll be right back.

- You mean she's going
to take me to dinner?

Make all the arrangements
like Charlie used to?

- Well yeah, in a way.

- My goodness, women are
doing everything these days.

I wonder what time
she'll get her headache.

- Would you care for a
drink while you're waiting?

- No, thank you.

- Hello.

- Well, hello, Mr. Quincy.

- Ms. Romano,
I'm sorry I'm late.

- Oh no, it's okay.

I would have been pleased
to pick you up at your hotel.

- Oh thank you, thank you.

But I stopped off for a
sauna and a Vitamin B shot.

You know, to help overcome
the energy shortage.

- Good.

Would you like a drink?

- Yes, yes indeed, yes.

I would like a slow gin fizz.

I'm in no hurry tonight.

- One slow gin fizz and a
glass of white wine please.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Quincy, I'd
like to say that.

Mr. Quincy?

- Oh yes, yes, lovely
apartment, uh, restaurant.

- Mr. Quincy, look
I, I wanted to say

that I really enjoy working
with your company.

- Well, Ms. Romano,
I would like to say

that I really enjoy
working with you.

You are a very versatile woman.

- Thank you.

As a matter of fact, I
have a little surprise for ya.

- Oh, already?

- Well, since we're
entertaining you

I thought we'd get it
mentioned in the papers.

- In the papers?

- Yes, in the Who's
in Town column.

Oh, the Who's.

Well, well, well, that's
a, I am very impressed.

I am very impressed indeed.

- There's Ann Romano.

Mind if I say hello?

She's the one who helped
me find my apartment.

Hi, Ann.

- Oh, Polly, hello.

- Oh, Polly, I like that.

I like Polly.

Miss Romano, if
you happen to feel

a headache coming
on or anything.

- Oh, Polly
Jackson, I'd like you

to meet my client, Mr. Quincy.

- Claude Quincy,
President of Quincy Mowers.

- Oh, I'm going
to be nice to you.

You sound rich.

- Well.

- Ah, Polly.

- Do you know that
Ann saved my life?

- Is that so?

- Well, until she helped
me find an apartment

I was walking the streets.

- Really?

Oh, waitress.

Aspirin please for Ms. Romano.

- No, I don't need an aspirin.

Polly, it was really
nice seeing you.

Bye bye.

- Oh, fine.

It was very nice meeting you.


- Bye.

Well, she is a
little bit skinny.

- Mr. Quincy, Polly's
a private nurse.

- Wonderful.

- No, Mr. Quincy.

I think we better
get this straight here

so that the evening doesn't...
- Excuse me.

- Oh hi there.

I am Claude Quincy,
President of Quincy Mowers.

- Good for you.

I seem to have left
my address book.

It must be here somewhere.

Let me see.

Oh, here it is.

Thank you.

- Well, I think
it's time to order.

What would you like?

- The second one.

- Uh, Mr. Quincy, I thought
I made it specifically clear

in the office this was to
be strictly a business dinner.

- Yes, I know, I
know, Ms. Romano.

And I appreciate
your tactfulness.

But it's almost time
for my frozen yogurt.

- Mr. Quincy, I'm not a prude.

But my job is to handle
your public relations,

not your private relations.

- I know, but I assumed.

You know, I just.

But I.

Well, I could have
mailed the contract in.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Quincy.

I'm not going to get a headache

and nobody's going to show up.

- Look, Dora, I know I
promised to help you.

But you got to realize
that disturbing Ms. Romano

in the middle of
a business dinner

could be a tricky business.

I mean, maybe it's
not the right time.

- Dwayne.

- Okay, it's the right time.

Uh, now just stay here.

And remember, you
love lawnmowers.

- Ms. Romano, I
appreciate your honesty.

Well, I guess I can
skip the oysters.

- Oh, Ms. Romano,
what a surprise.

I never knew you
dined at Le Petit.

- Schneider, what
are you doing here?

- What a coincidence.

I mean, here I am with my date.

And here you are with,
Mr. Quincy of Quincy Mowers

with the great new model 212?

Great machine, great.

- Yes, I don't believe
we've ever met, Mr.?

- Schneider, Dwayne Schneider.

As it happens, Mr. Quincy,
I have someone here

who I would like you
very much to meet.

- Oh.

- It could be a
bonanza for both of us.

Dora, get it over here.

Say hello to Mr. Quincy.

- Hi, I love your lawn thing.

- Mower.

- Mower thing.

- Lawnmower.

- Oh, hi there, yourself.

- Hi.

- Schneider...
- Please, Ms. Romano.

Dora, why don't you just
turn around from once.

How'd you like to see
that on your cover?

- I'll getting a headache.

- I'll call you a cab.

- A headache headache.

- Ms. Romano,
frankly, I am beginning

to lose sight of the
evening's itinerary.

- Dinner is the
evening's itinerary.

Schneider, some other time...

- I can tap dance too, in case

you want to do
anything on television.

- On television?

- Mr. Quincy, I think I
understand what's going on here.

Um, Schneider saw the cover
we did for Nurseryman's Journal,

and he obviously felt that Dora
here would be a nice model.

I had no idea he was
going to bring her here.

I really and truly apologize.

- Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

You don't have to apologize.

I think I should
apologize for doing this,

and I'm very sorry, and
a apologize to both of ya.

Dora, I still got some
connections over at Mike's Recaps.

- Okay.

Well bye.

I love your lawn thing.

- Mower.

- Oh, mower thing.

- Come on.

- Bye.

- Oh, Mr. Quincy.

This is embarrassing
for both of us.

I thought that I'd made
it clear in the office

that I didn't agree
with the arrangements

that Charlie usually makes.

You gotta believe me now.

Nobody else is going to show up.

It's just the two of us.

- Ms. Romano, I am beginning
to read you loud and clear.

Just the two of us.

Oh, you little devil, you.

- Oh my God.

- Are you really hungry?

- No, yes.


Mr. Quincy, I am not
your little one night stand.

- Honey, honey, not so loud.

I've got a reputation.

- I've got a reputation too.

And I am not your honey.

Now look, your business
has increased immeasurably,

and I have had
a lot to do with it.

And that is all I'm going
to have a lot to do with.

- Ms. Romano.

- And I want to tell
ya that it's not easy

promoting the
world's dullest product.

- Dull?

- Dull.

You have the contract.

If you want to
sign it, super keen.

If not, I couldn't care less.

- Well, aren't you
going to order?

- Oh, uh-huh.

Order him an oyster
cocktail and run for your life.

- Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Or was I stupid?

I lost the contract but I
stood up for my principles.

I think I was stupid.

Hi there, girl scout.

- May I come in?

- Yeah.

- I looked you up
in the phone book.

And it occurred to me that
an astute businesswoman

like yourself would very
probably have a pen handy

so that I could
sign the contract.

- After what I said?

- Because of what you said.

Actually, you see, I
owe you an apology.

You know, sometimes
when I get away from home

I just act like a darn fool,
and you made that very plain.

- Yeah, sure did.

- And you were right.

All except that part about
Quincy Mowers being dull.

- Dull, did I say that?

No, Quincy Motors, the newest,

fastest, most powerful
mower on the market.

- Beautiful, get the pen.

- Um, Mr. Quincy.

I want to thank you for this.

I was rude.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What you said made
a great deal of sense.

You know, Ms. Romano,
these little trips of mine

every year, there
you are, disgusting.

- No, I understand.

- Names you never know,
faces you can't remember.

It's just revolting.

You were quite
right when you said

you were not the kind of
person who would stand still

for that kind of a relationship.

- Oh, I appreciate
your saying that.

- Now I should have known
it all along working so closely

with you that you were far
too nice for a one night stand.

- Ah, Mr. Quincy.

- Claude.

No, no, no, don't get me wrong.

I don't want to spoil anything.

I don't want to race things.

I don't want to
spoil the moment.

Not tonight, Ann.

But don't worry, I'll be back.

And I can manage to get
in town a little more often.

- Just a minute here.

- You're right, right.

We should not always meet here.

But I will manage to have a
little hideaway in Terre Haute,

our own secret little nook.

We are going to play the
game just the way you want.

Good night, pussycat.

- Ah, Claude.

- Yes?

- You didn't say when
we'd get together, pussycat.

- When?

- When hell freezes over.

One Day at a Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.