One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Older Man: Part 3 - full transcript

("One Day At A Time Theme")

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One Day At A Time

♪ One Day At A Time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One Day At A Time
♪ One Day At A Time

♪ One Day At A Time
♪ One Day At A Time

♪ One Day At A Time
♪ One Day At A Time

♪ One Day At A Time

- [Announcer] Here is a
scene from last week's show.

(audience groaning)

(applause)

- Oh, you were right, Doctor!

You said Toledo would
be good experience for her!

- Ms. Romano...
- It's all right, Paul.

- What are you going for?



A blue ribbon in
Pick Of The Litter?

(laughter)

- Ms. Romano, I think
we'd better have a little talk.

- Oh, yes, I think we'd
better have a little talk!

You're damn right we'd
better have a little talk!

- Mom!

- Shut up, Julie!

If you have to
prove your manhood,

get somebody your own age!

- [Julie] Shut up!

- Oh, what's the
matter with you?

What's the matter
with you, Doctor?

Ever try getting your
kicks with a woman?

- Shut up, Mom!

- How about taking me on,

or is that too
frightening for you?

- You lonely, Mom?

You want him?

(audience gasps)

- [Announcer] And now,
Part Three of The Older Man.

- Oh, uh, Julie.

I'm sorry.

- So am I but you had no
right to say those things to Paul.

- Okay, but I'm not
sorry I said what I did.

- Mom...
- Julie, she had every right.

I lead your mother to
believe that going to Toledo

was a casual business
trip and I wasn't lying to you.

I might have been
lying to myself,

trying to convince myself
that it wouldn't happen but

the fact is I love
your daughter.

- Why?

- I don't know why.

I didn't go out looking
for a 17 year old girl

to fall in love with and
I'm not in love with her

because she is 17.

Age doesn't seem to
make any difference.

- Oh my God!

You're old enough
to be her father!

Even a veterinarian should
be able to subtract 17 from 42!

- Mom...

- I saw a horse on
TV who could do it!

- Mom...

- And sing "Yankee
Doodle" at the same time!

(laughter)

- Ms. Romano...
- Don't!

Please, uh...

Would you leave?

Okay, I really have had
all I can take for one day.

(laughter)

- Uh, night, John.

(laughter)

(applause)

Goodnight, Kid.

Hi, Mama-san.

(laughter)

- Julie, I'll see you
at work tomorrow.

- Oh, hey, Pops, can
you give me push?

My battery died.

- Yeah.

- You know, we had to coast
down from Make-Out Point?

(laughter)

- Make-Out Point?

- Yeah, it's just a name.

They hold the sunrise
services there on Easter.

(laughter)

- Mom, please don't hate him.

- Hate him?

We didn't do anything.

Oh, except turn on the
siren on his dune buggy

and watch all those
people blast out of there.

Oh, you should
have... (laughter)

- Barbara, not now!

I really could care less.

- Oh, that's fine!

Just fine!

I come home with Paul and
get completely blown away.

Barbara comes in
with some jerky-turkey

and it's all beautiful.

- Julie, at your age,

you're supposed to
be dating jerky-turkeys!

(laughter)

- Wait a second, he's not jerky.

Turkey, maybe.

(laughter)

- Wowie, Mom,
that's really big-time.

Wrestling at Make-Out Point
with the sweaty palm set!

- What are you
jumping on me for?

Listen, John was your date
til you dumped him for Pops.

- Don't call him Pops!

His name is Dr. Paul Curran.

- Oh, excuse me.

How was your date
with Old Doc Curran?

(laughter)

- Just shut up, Barbara.

Get off my back.

- I'm sorry.

What happened?

Was it the pits?

- Yes.

He loves her.

- He loves you?

- Oh, thank you
for the enthusiasm.

- Uh, look, Sis.

It's great, I guess.

I mean, if it's great for
you, it's great, I guess.

- It is great.

I feel happy with Paul.

He lets me be myself.

Mom, when I'm with you,
I'm trying to be what you want.

When I'm with Dad,
I'm trying to please him.

But, when I'm with Paul,
I don't even have to try.

I'm just me.

- Julie.

Julie, that's all very lovely,

but how can you be in love
with a man you don't even know?

- Mom, I don't intend
to rush into anything.

We're just gonna do
what people normally do.

We'll live together.

(laughter)

- You'll do what together?

- That's polite for shack up.

(laughter)

- Barbara!

- I'm sorry.

Look, Sis, I wanna
understand but I really don't.

I can't believe
this whole scene!

- Mom, that's the
way it is today.

Oh, but how could
you understand?

You're not my generation.

- Neither is he.

(laughter)

Julie, okay, look.

Forgetting the age difference
here for a minute, okay?

How can you want to
live with a man when

you don't know
anything about him?

- That's a part of
living together, Mom,

to find out those things.

What do you want me to do?

Marry him and then
find out about him?

- How about dating, Julie?

Remember dating?

I mean, you go out, you go to
the movies, you have dinner.

- Mom, Mom, just
keep talking, okay?

You talk!

You're so good at that.

You talk.

Paul listens.

(heavy knocking)

(laughter)

- Ms. Romano, I have had it!

I am through!

(laughter)

I cannot take it any longer!

As much as I love your
kids, I have to and hereby do,

resign totally as
their substitute father.

(laughter)

- Schneider, you've
been drinking.

- I'm not gonna lie to ya.

I had a couple, yeah.

(laughter)

I've been in my room all
day and I've just been sick!

We should never have
let Julie go away to

Toledo with Dr. Woof-woof!

(laughter)

- Amen!

- Do you know that there
are four pages of motels

in the Toledo phone book?

Four pages!

17 with waterbeds, 12
with closed-circuit television!

- Schneider, Julie's home.

- Julie's home?

- They didn't go to a motel.

- Julie's home?

You didn't even tell me that.

You let me sit in my dumpy
old room and worry about her.

How could you do that?

How could you do that to me?

(sobbing)

(laughter)

Oh, I must look a mess!

(laughter)

- Schneider, no!

No, really, look.

Julie's gonna be just fine.

They're just
gonna live together!

- Barbara!

(laughter)

- It's only Schneider.

- Oh, it's only Schneider!

It's only nobody
cares about Schneider

and why should you care?

I'm just the super, the janitor.

Not good enough
to mend your hearts,

just your toilets.

(laughter)

- Schneider, come on.

You know we love you.

- No, you don't.

- Yes, we do.

- No, you don't.

(laughter)

- Yeah, we do.

- You do?

- [Both] Yeah!

- No, you don't.

(laughter)

Ms. Romano, we can't
let her go live with him!

- It's not certain, I mean,
you know, it's a maybe.

- Hold it, hold it.

Listen to me.

Schneider's gonna take over.

(laughter)

Take charge!

And when The
Scheide takes charge

(laughter)

everything is under control.

(laughter)

(applause)

(laughter)

You know someone's having
a garage sale in the hallway?

(laughter)

- Julie, you can
call Miss LaRue.

Tell her her snake is ready.

- I am so glad we're
getting rid of that thing.

Why would anybody
want a snake as a pet?

- It's not a pet.

It's her costume.

It's all there is between
her and the Vice Squad.

(laughter)

Tell her that she can
pick him up anytime.

- How can you tell
it's a him snake?

- I can't, but there's no
problem as long as he can.

(giggling)

(laughter)

- Paul, you know, I've been
working here for two weeks

and it still doesn't
seem like work.

- Okay, then I won't pay you!

(laughter)

- It's work.

(giggling)

(laughter)

Paul, what was your wife like?

- Boy, you sure bring them
out of the blue, don't you?

- Well, was she pretty?

Was she quiet?

Could she dance?

- No...
- How did she cook?

I mean, how did she kiss?

- Wait, hold it!

Slow down.

- Paul, I wanna know!

Do I remind you of her?

Is that what attracts you?

- Julie, you don't
remind me of anybody.

Now, you just
finished high school.

Don't you feel that that
part of your life is over?

- Oh, I sure do.

It seems like it was
a whole separate life.

- Well, that's the way it is.

One life ends, another begins.

- I guess this a
beginning then, huh?

- Yeah.

- Well, let's start it right.

(laughter)

- Excuse-moi!

(laughter)

- Schneider, what
are you doing here?

- I got a sick turtle.

(laughter)

- Since when have
you had a turtle?

- Actually, I just bought him.

He came with a guarantee.

100 years or 100 yards,
whichever comes first.

(laughter)

- Doctor, you know
Mr. Schneider?

- Yeah, we've met.

What seems to be the matter?

- Actually, it's a
very personal matter.

Even turtles are
entitled to their privacy.

- Great, I'll go
feed the animals.

- Lovely child.

- Yeah, now what
about the turtle?

- Comes from a very fine family.

I sort of feel responsible.

- Been eating regularly?

- Oh yes.

Ms. Romano has a very fine job.

(laughter)

- Oh, I see, I see.

Okay, why did you come here?

- I'm not gonna lie to you, Doc.

The turtle's a rental.

(laughter)

(applause)

I came here because I want
to have a talk, man-to-man.

You know, I've been around.

I've been all over the world.

I know a guy reaches
a desperate age and

he sees a young chick...
- Hey, hey!

This is none of your business.

- Now, look, Slats.

(laughter)

I'm only trying to be polite.

But, protecting
that sweet, young,

innocent thing is my business.

- What sweet,
young, innocent thing?

- You!

This bozo's got no right
asking you to go live with him!

- I didn't ask her
to go live with me!

- Schneider, just to satisfy
your morbid curiosity,

if he doesn't ask me,
I'm gonna ask him.

- Julie?

- Well, Paul, I don't
care who knows!

Do you?

I mean, don't you
want to live with me?

- Yeah!

No!

(laughter)

I mean, Julie, I don't
intend to live with you.

- Mission accomplished!

Remember, no backsliding, Slats.

(laughter)

- Schneider?

- Yes?

- Your rental.

(laughter)

- Oh, yeah.

Fast Eddie.

(laughter)

What do you say, Eddie?

We go back to my place, we
have some beer and worms.

(laughter)

(applause)

- You don't want
to live with me?

I don't understand.

I thought you loved me.

- Of course I love you.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

- When did you know for
sure that you loved me?

(laughter)

- Well, I guess...
- No, no, no, no!

Don't guess.

I want to know what day,
what hour, what minute!

- I don't know what minute!

It's just that you turn me on.

- I do?

- You sure do.

(laughter)

You turned on my whole life.

See, when my wife
died, I became a loner.

For a while, I used to
rush to work because

there wasn't anything
else and now I rush to work

because I know you'll be here.

- Why do you think I've been
living on Instant Breakfast?

(laughter)

Oh, listen to us.

If we both feel this way, why
don't we just live together?

- Julie, I don't want
to just live with you.

I want to marry you.

(audience gasps)

- Marry me?

(laughter)

(applause)

Barbara? Mom?

I got some great news for you.

It's really gonna make your day.

You're gonna be so happy.

Paul doesn't want
to live with me.

- Hallelujah!

(laughter)

- He wants to marry me.

- Oh my God.

(laughter)

(applause)

- You just can't
trust an old man.

(laughter)

- Barbara, Julie's dinner?

- Honey?

He actually proposed to you?

- Yes, he's so old-fashioned.

I can say that, Mom.

You can't.

(laughter)

What is happening to me?

- Well, what's happening is
I think you're trying to make

something right
that isn't right.

- Mom...

- Honey, maybe the whole thing
was wrong from the beginning.

- I don't think so.

I don't know.

- It could be you
miss your father

more than you think you do.

- It's not that.

I don't know what it is.

- Come on, eat your dinner.

- Barbara, I'm not hungry.

- Come on.

- Get over here.

It's good for you, come on.

What's so wrong
with getting married?

I hear it's still
the rage in Utah.

(laughter)

Okay, okay.

Look, when you think
about it, what is the hang-up?

You love him, marry him.

We could have a big wedding.

I could be the maid of honor.

Dad will give away
the... Oh, wow.

Wait til Dad hears.

- Barbara, would
you just drop it, huh?

I don't want Julie
rushing into anything.

Maybe if they live
together, they can find out...

What am I saying?

(laughter)

(applause)

- Mom, you can't stop her
from what she wants to do.

I mean, in two months
she's gonna be 18.

- Uh-huh and he'll be 42.

When she's 42, he'll
be on Social Security.

I mean, they can have their
first baby paid for by Medicare.

(laughter)

- That's silly.

- Is it?

I mean, when she's
in the prime of her life,

he'll be falling asleep at 8:30.

(laughter)

A husband and a
baby, both on warm milk.

(laughter)

- Why are you talking
about 20 years from now?

What about right this second?

Julie isn't guaranteed that
she's gonna be around that long!

(laughter)

She is entitled to some
happiness right now.

Mom, look at yourself.

If you were planning
for happiness

20 years after you got
married, you didn't make it.

- Right.

And how old was I
when I got married?

17 and that was
one of the problems!

- Stop it, Mom!

It's not you anymore!

It's me!

(door slamming)

(knocking)

- Anything I can do?

- Wish you could.

- Look, if it's any help,
when I get a problem,

I put on an Elton John record,

get into a hot bath with
a double cheeseburger.

(laughter)

- Life's really simple
for you, isn't it?

You know, it's whole
new world with Paul.

He's so fun!

I think there's a lot
more to it than that.

We have these great long talks.

- What do you talk about?

- Life, love, music, poetry.

The future.

Snakes.

(laughter)

- Snakes?

- Never mind.

You wouldn't understand.

Did you know that
Paul has a daughter?

- Really?

How old?

- 20.

(laughter)

She's married,
lives in California.

- Wouldn't that
be a little awkward,

being younger than
your own daughter?

I mean, she could babysit you.

(laughter)

- She's also pregnant!

I could be a grandmother
before I could vote!

(laughter)

- Julie, you can't
do this to me!

How's it gonna
look in my yearbook?

"Barbara Cooper:
cheerleader, virgin, great-aunt?"

(laughter)

Maybe it will help if we list
the plusses and minuses.

Plus: you love each other.

Minus: he's a lot older.

Double-plus: he's rich.

(laughter)

- That's gross.

- Don't tell me you
haven't thought about it.

Look, you'll have a
nice house, a new car.

You can travel.

You won't have to siphon
gas on dates anymore.

(laughter)

Maybe I should be nicer to that

old man who owns the drugstore.

(laughter)

Right, I know, shut up.

I'm sorry.

If I knew how to
help you, I would.

I don't.

- Barbara, it's not his
money that scares me.

I can handle that.

What scares me is marriage.

Whew!

I mean, when you live with
somebody, and something happens,

you can just kind
of walk away from it.

But, if you're married?

I think probably the
worst day in my life was

when Mom and Dad told us
they were getting a divorce.

For a while, I hated them both.

I just couldn't do
that to my kids.

- Wait a second.

Aren't you kind of
jumping the gun?

Mom and Dad had
some great years.

We all did!

- Yeah, Barbara, but I
like the stories where

they all live
happily ever after.

- If you're already
thinking about divorce,

maybe you're not
so sure about Paul.

- Now you sound like Mom!

- Maybe she's right!

Julie, Mom has said a
lot of right things before

if you'd only listen.

Oh, Julie!

I really love you and
I want these things to

work out for you but if
you want my bottom line,

my vote is no.

- May I come in?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

Look, Ms. Romano, I don't
know if Julie's already told you

but I proposed...

She's already told you.

(laughter)

Well, okay, I don't know if
you're as against me as you...

You are as against me.

(laughter)

All right, that's why I'm here.

I want to marry Julie.

But, it's very important to
Julie that you accept that.

Now, can we talk?

- Yeah, sure, we can talk.

But, Julie is only 17 years old.

- No, she's a lot older than 17.

- Okay, okay, in
some ways, sure.

She's a lot older than 17.

I'll buy that.

But, in other ways,
she's still just a child.

- We all are!

My God, do I have to
tell a mother what there is

to love about her own daughter?

She's your daughter!

Would you please
tell me what there is

about her that I shouldn't love?

- Oh, please!

- No, I want to tell you
something and I want you to listen

and I hope you hear it.

All I can say is the moments
I'm with her are a lot nicer

than the moments
that I'm not with her.

- See, I believe you mean that,

but I don't believe that that's
a foundation for a marriage.

I don't believe... - Mom!

It's not for you to believe
and Mom, I've finally realized

that what you've been
saying is for my own good.

You love me and you
want me to be happy.

You loved Dad
and it didn't work.

Now, you want a
guarantee on my happiness.

- Honey, you can't
blame me for that.

- Mom, I don't.

I love you for it.

But, if everybody
waited for a guarantee,

then nobody would get married,

so I've decided I have
to take my chances.

Paul? Yes!

(audience gasping)

(telephone ringing)

- Should I get that?

(laughter)

Yeah, Barbara, why
don't you get the phone?

(laughter)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Daddy.

Yeah, I love you, too.

Huh?

Why don't I let you
talk to Mom about that.

Just hold on.

He wants to know what's new.

(laughter)

- Uh, Ed?

(laughter)

- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week

for the concluding
episode of The Older Man.

(applause)

(upbeat jazzy
instrumental theme music)

- [Bonnie] One Day
At A Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

(upbeat jazzy
instrumental theme music)