One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Older Man: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get,
so go and have a ball

♪ Well this is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing



♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at at time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time

- I know what you're gonna say

but it's not gonna
make any difference.

I'm in love with Paul and
nothing is gonna change that.

I know you're
gonna say it's crazy,

and I know you're
gonna say it's ridiculous,

and I know you're gonna
say there goes Julie again.

Well, I don't care, I'm in
love with a 42 year old man



and nothing you say
is gonna change that.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

- I could use an
airsick bag about now.

That is the most
disgusting thing

I have ever heard.

How can you be in love with him,

he's prehistoric.

(laughter)

- Right.

(laughter)

Well, 42 ain't
exactly over the hill.

I mean,

a man doesn't go to
sea anywhere near

as quick as a woman.

- I bet you've been in
love with a younger woman.

(Schneider giggles)

- Yeah, there was that
little groupie in Kalamazoo.

She thought I was Johnny Cash.

I didn't do nothing
to encourage her

I just sang a few songs.

♪ Because you're
mine ♪ I walk the line

♪ Because you're
mine ♪ I walk...

- Schneider.

- Look.

If that doggy doctor
comes over here

I'll knock his teeth out.

- If he's wearing them.

(laughter)

- Do I have to put
up with this mom?

- Julie, you're gonna have to

have a little
patience with us here.

I mean we thought
you'd be coming

home from the Pet
Hospital in love with

the puppy dogs
and the kitty cats.

Not the 42 year
old veterinarian.

- Thank you for taking
it all so seriously mom.

- Look Julie, being
of maturity age myself,

I know where you're
coming from you see.

The thing that you gotta work on

is where is he coming from.

You are a prime target.

You are US Prime!

- And you are gross!

Your idea of real love is
when you take your socks off.

- Julie!

- It's alright Ms. Romano.

Some day Julie will learn that

love means never having
to take your socks off.

(laughter)

- Schneider I'm sorry.

- Hey, that's alright!

My ego ain't on the line here.

I mean when you
got it, you got it.

I don't have to defend it.

I don't have to show
nobody my references.

As it happens I do
have a personally

autographed picture from Charo.

"To my mucho macho muchacho."

So lonely is not a
word in my vocabulary.

Tired maybe, but not lonely.

- Julie...

- Mom, let's not
have a scene okay.

I'm tired, I've been
working all day...

- Julie, it's not that
unusual for a young

girl to fall in love
with an older man.

- Right, I mean I used
to have this fantastic

crush on Eric Sevareid.

Oh I used to die
whenever he'd say,

"And now back to
Walter Cronkite."

- Barbara, I know it's a strain,

but would you close your mouth?

(laughter)

Julie, it's a crush!

- Mom, I'm not
talking about crushes.

I'm almost 18.

My god, I ran away with Chuck,

you think I'm
still into crushes?

- Maybe not.

Oh Julie it's a one way street.

- No it's not mom.

Paul loves me too.

- He does?

- Yeah, of course he does.

He just doesn't know it yet.

- Boy is he in for a shock.

- Did you have to have her mom?

I mean couldn't you have
quit while you were ahead?

- Julie, I'm sure Dr. Curran
is a very charming man

and working with
him at the pet hospital

is a fascinating experience.

Now it's easy to see
how you can like him...

- Love him, shut up.

- Julie I am tired.

- Me too.

- Yeah okay honey.

I am gonna get out
of my work clothes

and into a robe and
then we can sit down

and really hash this out okay?

I'm gonna go put on some coffee.

- Hey Jule look, I'm
sorry I bugged ya.

- So what else is new?

- Look, it's just hard
for me to imagine

being in love
with a senior cit...

With a middle aged... - Say it.

- With wrinkles and liver spots.

- He does not have liver spots.

- And what about wrinkles?

- Very few, and
they're beautiful.

Look at mom.

- Thank you.

- Oh, I was just
exaggerating to make a point.

Your wrinkles are beautiful.

- Isn't this kind of like

falling in love with
Lawrence Welk?

- No!

The fact is that he.

Forget it.

- He what, what happened?!

- Nothing happened Barbara.

Love doesn't just
happen it happens.

Nothing has to happen
for love to happen

it just happens to happen.

- What happened to happen?

- Alright.

Come here.

Fact is, just before
we left work tonight,

we were trimming toenails...

- Trimming toenails?

Is he kinky?

(laughter)

- A dog's toenails.

And then Barbara
he looked at me.

Barbara don't you
dare say a word to mom.

- [Barbara] I won't, I won't.

- Okay okay.

Paul asked me for a date.

- He asked you for a date!

- He asked you for a date?!

- Mom what is wrong
with going on a date

when you're in love?

- Only one of you is in love.

- Mom!

- How'd you happen
to turn the old guy on?

(laughter)

- He's not an old guy

and I did not turn him on.

- About this date...

- Come on Julie, you're
always turning guys on.

- Why don't you speak
for yourself okay?

Little Miss come on.

"Oh pardon me team,

"I didn't realize you
were scrimmaging."

- I never did that.

- Mom, what is wrong
with Paul asking me out?

- The man is 25 years
older than you are.

What could you possibly
have in common?

- Well he's obviously
in love with her mind.

- Right.

- Why is everybody
so hung up on sex?

Now can't two people
have a simple date?

Paul asked me to
go to the dog show

at the Toledo Auditorium

and then we're gonna
stop and have dinner.

- Where is the
Toledo Auditorium?

- In Toledo, now look mom...
- Toledo?!

- Holy Toledo!

- It is just a business trip.

We are gonna fly over and back.

Paul promised he'd
have me in bed by 11:30.

(applause)

Let me put that another way.

- The only way
we're gonna put it

is no way!

- Oh come on mom, it's
only a 45 minute flight.

Now if I thought it was gonna
be a big seduction scene

do you think I would
have told you about it?

- As I recall, you didn't.

- Mom, it is my life
and I am not a child.

Now I've said that a
thousand times before

but you've never listened.

- Oh Julie I have listened...

- I've had it,
I've had it, listen,

I'm gonna go for a walk okay?

Is that alright or do
I need a chaperone?

- Julie!

Julie!

(loud thuds) (screaming)

Julie!

- Ouch ouch!

(screaming)

- Okay.

Are you alright?

- Yes of course.

(laughter)

Now look, you're
not gonna let Julie

go out on a date with that guy!

- Schneider, ugh.

Naturally you heard!

- It wasn't easy until
you started shouting.

Look I warned
you about that guy.

Anybody that hangs
around animals all day,

he sees too much!

- Schneider, don't make
it worse than it is huh?

He seems like a nice man.

- Whatever happened to the girl

who had the job before Julie?

- I don't know.

- Of course you don't know.

Nobody knows.

They just drift away.

Las Vegas, Hollywood.

And then the fast
final slide into Burbank.

(laughter)

- They're going to Toledo.

- He's taking her to Spain?!

(laughter)

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

I got an idea.

Let her go out with the guy.

- What?!

- Absolutely, let her
go out with the guy,

and then when
they're alone together,

she's gonna see how silly it is.

Now look, this is not
easy for me to admit.

But I once took a 22 year old

to a plumbing
expo in Fort Wayne.

She was so bored
she took off with

a Spackle salesman from Muncy.

Since that time I've set my

lower limit for women at 31.

Although I will
drop it to 25 after

11:30 on Saturday night.

Well that's my advice.

I've gotta go put the bulb in.

(screaming)

- [Julie] Schneider...

- Do you have a contract
out on me or something?

- I'll clean it up...
- No I'll get it kid.

- Mom I am sorry
I got mad at you.

- Okay Julie but you're
not going to Toledo.

- Okay, now mom I
know you're a mother

and you have to do
what you have to do,

but some day you're
gonna have to trust

some of my decisions.

- Which decisions Julie?

Toledo, being in
love, dating a man

a quarter of a century
older than you are?

I mean which decisions
am I supposed to trust?

You're gonna get hurt.

- Mom I love Paul.

And I hope very much
that he's gonna love me.

And if he doesn't you're
right, I'm gonna be hurt.

But I'd sure be
crazy not to find out.

- Well those are all very
lovely sentiments Julie...

- Mom, wait a minute,
wait a minute mom,

would you listen to me?

We are coming
back the same night.

I mean, we're just
going to a dog show.

- The worst she
could get is fleas.

- Would you just
give me some space?

- Julie what is
this space thing?

Does that mean you get
to do whatever you want

whenever you wanna do it?

Young lady, as long as
you are under this roof...

- Mom, mom, you
might just drive me into

doing something
just to spite you.

- Ah Julie you're
acting like a school kid.

- [Julie] Am I?

- Yes.

- So let's play it back okay.

I am being honest, I
have not raised my voice,

and Paul is coming
to pick me up here.

Now I could have met him
some place behind your back.

- Yeah you could've.

- But I didn't
wanna do that mom.

I'd rather have you trust me.

- Okay.

- Thank you mom.

- But, just be sure
he picks you up here.

Because I've got a lot
of questions for that man.

(applause)

- Oh, how do I look?

See, I wanna look
older but I don't

wanna look like I'm
trying to look older.

- You look great.

- Yes you do.

And I wish you didn't.

- Mom, please don't
give him a hard time okay.

- Honey, I said you could go,

I did not say I
was going to like it.

(doorbell rings)

- He's here.

Hi.

- Well hey cool Jule.

You ready to go bowling?

- John.

- Hi kid, hi mama son.

Hey Julie, you going
bowling like that?

I think you look
awful elegant to be

riding around in my dune buggy.

- Oh my god I forgot.

- How could you forget him?

- You got a dune buggy?

- Yeah, yeah, I
traded in my hearse.

Hey listen, you
got any root beers

'cause I mean they
cost 40 cents at the alley

and I only got
enough money for...

- I can't go.

Why can't I go?

Why can't I go?

- Julie can't go because
a relative of ours just died.

- Hey look, if I
still had my hearse

I could've saved you
some money on the funeral.

- That's nice, that's
a good soul there

and we appreciate that.

Thank you. (doorbell rings)

- He's here.
- Save the root beers.

- [Julie] Hi Paul.

- Hi Julie.

- Who's he, your dad?

- Paul, you know my mother
and this Barbara you know her.

That's John.

- Hi pops.

- They were just leaving.

John's taking Barbara bowling.

- I am?
- He is?

- [Barbara] Oh he is, you are.

We're going bowling.

Come on John let's go.

- Okay why not.

Hey, aren't you
the one who always

shakes hands good night?

(laughter)

- Well we don't wanna
miss the plane, let's go.

- Oh hey Julie, we
got plenty of time.

How ya been Ms. Romano?

- Fine and why are you
taking my daughter to Toledo?

- Mom.

- Now that's a fair question.

I'm judging at the
dog show and I thought

it'd be a great
experience for her.

They've got grand
champion dogs...

- Any wolves?

(laughter)

- Mom.

She thinks every boy I
go out with is trying to...

I don't mean boy, I mean man,

you're obviously too
old to be called a boy.

I mean you're too old...

I'm gonna, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna get my coat.

- Ms Romano, if
she was my daughter

I'd have the same concern.

I just thought I'd like
to take her with me.

She's got such a
great sense of humor,

she's vivacious,
she's fun to talk with.

Believe me, that's
all there is to it.

I know very well
that she's only 19.

- 17.

- Oh, well she's creative too.

Do I pass the safety test?

- So far.

- Believe me that's
all there is to it.

The dog show, dinner,
and home to bed by 11:30.

I need the rest.

I'm operating on a
tiger in the morning.

- Okay.

But I gotta tell ya

I wasn't too thrilled
when Julie told me

that you'd asked her for a date.

- She called it a date?

- Yeah, and that's
the way she sees it.

Look, I think I better
tell you something

so that you can handle it

as much for Julie's
benefit as yours.

Julie's in love with you.

- She is?

- Okay, I'm ready, bye bye mom.

Let's go Paul.

- Bye Ms. Romano.

- [Ann] Bye.

- Age before beauty.

- Go on.

Really?

She's in love with me?

That's very nice.

- Would you care
to see the wine list?

- Oh no thank you.

But I will have a
glass of Burgundy.

That'd be nice.

- I think I'll

pass.

- Oh that is very
cold, very cold.

Did he embarrass you?

- Oh no no, you see
I'm at that awkward age.

Halfway between Shirley Temple's

and Harvey Wallbangers.

- You know, I could loan
you my driver's license

but I wouldn't want
to contribute to the

delinquency of a...

Pretty young girl.

- Right.

Well what I'd like to
have is a glass of milk.

- Well why didn't you order it?

- Well because,
candlelight, music, and milk,

I mean I think
that's a little gross.

- Yeah.

Got it.

How about ice
tea in a wine glass.

- How about wine
in an ice tea glass?

- How about milk, yeah
milk, we'll have milk.

Waiter!

May we have a glass of milk?

- Did that embarrass you?

- No.

- Who's that?

- Just somebody I know.

- Would you like to leave?

- Of course not.

(laughter)

- She may not see us.

- Julie I don't
care if she does.

- Paul!

Hello, long time no
see, how are you?

- Fine, how are you Marion?

- Oh fine.

Don't tell me this
is your daughter.

- No Marion, this is Ms. Cooper.

- I work for him
at the Pet Hospital.

- Oh, I didn't know you
had a branch in Toledo?

- I don't.

We were at a dog show.

- I see.

- Milk?

- Oh that's mine, thank you.

Wine and a milk chaser.

(laughter)

It's a Milkalini.

You ought to try that Marion.

- Yes, well I better be
getting back to my friend.

- Bye Marion.

- So nice to have
met you Ms. Cooper.

Wasn't it?

Bye bye Paul.

- Oh Paul, I'm sorry.

This is very awkward for you.

- Hey, it's not your fault.

- Yes it is, it really is.

I guess I kinda led you into it.

- Oh no Julie.

I wanna be here.

- Do you really?

- Yeah, yeah really.

I told your mom there
was nothing to worry about.

That you'd learn
something at the dog show,

that it might be interesting.

But, I feel like
a dirty old man.

- No, no, no.
- Yes I do feel.

- [Paul] Hello.

Hot plate.

Good.

- How come you didn't
tell me you had a daughter?

- I forgot.

- How...

- Old is she?

- Right.

- Oh boy, how am I
gonna pull this off?

- Paul, Paul, Paul,
I really don't care.

I mean what is it, 12, 13?

- Try 20.

- Oh boy, she's older than I am.

- Oh boy, dirty old man again.

- No, Paul, forget about
the dirty old man stuff okay.

I don't care.

So you're 42 and I'm almost 18.

Look at Sophia
Loren and Carlo Ponti.

- I'ma not as old
as a Carlo Ponti.

- Hey, but I'm not a
built like Sophia Loren!

- You can say that again!

(speaks foreign language)

A Romano

cuts a spaghetti
with a knife and a fork

is a no, no, no, no.

- Hey with the spaghetti
you see I'm a Cooper

and if I don't like
it I'm gonna pour

the ketchup all over it!

(speaks foreign language)

- They throw us
out of this joint!

Hey, you let Carlo
show you how to do it.

You turn it and you turn it.

You try to get
the spaghetti nice

and neat on your plate, see.

Then when you
get a lot of spaghetti

on your fork,

and everything is
absolutely perfect,

you stick it in your ear!

(laughter)

Hey Julie.

I think it's about time
I admitted something.

I like you very much.

Yeah, I,

I didn't plan on it.

But that's where I'm at.

(solemn music)

No, no, no, no.

Could you play something else?

It's been a beautiful day.

- Sure has.

- Well goodnight Sophia.

- Goodnight Carlo.

- And don't be late
for work tomorrow.

- Paul.

- Huh?

- Aren't you gonna
kiss me goodnight?

- I don't think I'm
quite ready to do that.

Not quite yet.

- [Julie] Well I am.

- Oh!

You were right doctor!

You said Toledo would
be good experience for her!

- Ms. Romano...
- It's alright Paul.

- What are you going for?

A blue ribbon in
pick of the litter?

- [Julie] Mom.

- Ms. Romano I think
we'd better have a little talk.

- Oh yes, I think we'd
better have a little talk.

You're damn right we
better have a little talk!

- Mom!

- Shut up Julie!

If you have to
prove your manhood

get somebody your own age!

- [Julie] Shut up!

- Oh, what's the
matter with you,

what's the matter
with you doctor?

Ever try getting your
kicks with a woman?

- Shut up mom!

- How about taking
me on or is that

too frightening for you?

- You lonely mom?

You want him?

(loud slap)

- [Narrator] To be
continued next week.

(applause)

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] One Day
At A Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

(upbeat music)