One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Race Driver: Part 1 - full transcript

Ann at first doesn't want to be introduced to a dashing race car driver by her daughters and then has a change of heart.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Go on, we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry now

♪ Just take it like you do

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- Mom?

Good, she's not home yet.

- Barbara, you've got
to be out of your mind.

I mean this is so dumb.

- Look, I know it's gonna work.

This guy is a super fox
and he's just the right age

for mom.

We're just planning a subtle
way for her to meet him.

- By stealing his pants?

I mean while you were
at it why didn't you steal

his shorts too?

- I did.

- Barbara, you
are playing games.

Mom doesn't need
any help getting a man.

How do you think we
got here, a handshake?

- Look, she hasn't had
a lot of practice lately.

Maybe she just lost her touch.

Look Julie, super
fox checks the drier,

finds his clothes are gone,
comes looking for them,

finds them with mom.

Love at first sight.

- Especially if this is
his only pair of pants.

- I had to park two blocks away.

Some clutz parked
his car in our space.

- Was it a hot yellow Cougar
with a super charger mag wheels

and racing stripes?

- Whatever, it was
parked in our space.

- It belongs to the
new tenant mom.

He's really a fox.

- Well the fox parked his
wheels in the wrong burrow.

- Mom, you're gonna
think he's terrific.

He just moved
upstairs, right Julie?

- Oh yeah, he's
really a hunk ma.

- You just got to meet him.

He might turn you on.

- Right now the
Indiana Power Company

couldn't turn me on.

Anyway he's probably married.

- He's not.

- How do you know?

- His laundry.

- His laundry?

- Uh-huh, only men's clothes.

- Maybe his wife
doesn't get dirty.

Look, take this over
there, water those plants.

Would you put them
over by the window please,

thank you very much.


- Hello Schneider.

- Hi how are ya?

Look I just stopped
by to tell ya that

your parking space is
temporarily occupodo.

- I noticed that when I
tried to park my car there.

- Yeah, that's the
new tenant's car.

- We were just
talking about him.

- As indeed you well might.

Have any idea who he is?

- No.

- Well ladies we have a
celebrity amongst our midst.

- He's a celebrity, really, who?

- None other than Cam Randolph.

- Well hot spit.

- I am talking about Cam
Randolph the race driver.

Don't you know what's
going on in the world?

I mean, Billy Carter's
trying to get him

to endorse his beer.

- Race driver, you mean
like in the Indy 500?

- Of course, the Indy
500, the Grand Prix,

the Grand National Stock
Car Races, if it's got wheels

Cam Randolph races it.

- And parks it in my space.

- Now look, last
month he was featured

in Road and Track
magazine and half of the article

was devoted to the
women in his life.

Believe me, Ms. Romano,
when it comes to the ladies,

information calls
him for the numbers.

- Wee.

- Frankly, I'm glad to have
another macho guy around,

you know.

It takes some of the
pressure off of me.

- Yeah, boy, gee whiz Schneider,

I don't know how you
can stand all those women.

- What can I tell ya.

It's a curse.

Just let me remind
you again now right,

this guy is a mover and a
shaker when it comes to women

so you gotta be
careful, ya got me?

- Gotcha.

- I mean he's got women
after him from all over

the world.

Society dames, jet
setters, racing cuties,

stewardesses, chamber
maids, actresses,

I mean he's a fast
company on fast tracks.

- And you stole his pants?

- Look, Schneider, I
don't care if he gives

lessons to Warren Beatty,
a race car driver is just

not my type.


- Hi, I'm Dixie and I'm lost.

- Hi.

- Hold it, hold it.

I'll handle this.

Hi, I'm Schneider
and you're found.

- I'm looking for Cam
Randolph's apartment.

- Oh yeah, that's
upstairs on your left.

Apartment 501.

If you get lost
again, just whistle.

- But I can't whistle.

- Just pucker, I'll find ya.

- Thanks, you're a sweetie.

- Do you believe that,
I mean that is class.

Not only, not only do
they come up to see him

but they bring trophies.

I wonder if they're
for last night

or just anticipation?


Hold on, I'll get it.

She's probably lost again.

He sure doesn't pick
them for their brains.

Hiya gorgeous.

- Hiya sweetie.

- Mr. Randolph I thought
you were this lovely,

luscious woman.

- Schneider you oughta
get out of the basement

more often.

- Yeah, come on in here.

I would like you to meet
ladies, Cam Randolph.

One of the world's
top 10 drivers.

- Hi, I'm Anne Romano,
one of the bottom 10.

- Well I doubt that.

- Don't, I almost hit a
yellow car that was parked

in my space.

- Oh, sorry about
that, I'll move it.

- Good.

I'd like you to
meet my daughters.

This is Barbara, Julie.

- Yeah we met.

- Hi.

- Well now I see where
they got their good looks.

- Watch it, he's
heading into the first turn.

- Mr. Randolph, a woman
was looking for you.

- A redhead?

Packing a pair of trophies?

- She was also carrying
a couple of racing cups.

- That's Dixie from
the trophy shop.

You know at the Charlotte
500, Dixie was trophy girl.

They sat her on the
hood of the winning car

for a victory lap
around the track

only they never quite
made it all the way around.

Somehow they ended
up in Tennessee.

The driver swore they got lost.

- And I bet not a
soul believed you.

- You're quick.

- But not fast.

- Yeah, yeah, listen, Cam.

You get moved in okay?

I mean when you knocked
here were you looking for me?

- Well no, frankly I'm
trying to find my pants.

- Down clutch will ya?

It's time for a pit stop.

- I'm just knocking on doors.

I thought they might
have gotten mixed in

with somebody else's laundry.

- The laundry.

Oh thank you, I
forgot to strip my bed.

Excuse me.

- Right, strip, bye.

- You lost your pants
in the laundry room?

What an opener, I
got to remember that.

Hello excuse me ma'am,
have you seen you pants?

I lost them in the laundry room.

Hey, it's really gonna
be fun having you here.

The female fallout's
gonna be terrific.

Could I have your left overs?

- Would you mind checking?

- Checking what?

- Your laundry for my pants?

- I don't have your pants.

- Please.

- Sure, if you insist,
but there is no way

that I could have your pants.

I mean that's the
most ridiculous,

how in the world
did these pants get?

- Well I'd say search me,
but my shorts are missing too.

- Look I didn't take your pants.

- Hey, I'm used to it.

- You are?

- Yeah, women are always
taking something of mine

so that they can meet me.

- Well I can't imagine why.

Anyway, the girls
did the laundry.

- Hey, you don't
have to make excuses.

- I'm not making excuses,
I didn't take your pants.

- Listen, I'd give you
these, but they're my

favorite jeans.

I've got an old pair of
sneakers you can have though.

- What?

- Sure, I'll even autograph
them for you if you like.

- What the hell would
I want with a pair

of your old sneakers?

- Who knows, it happens
so often I don't even

question it anymore.

- I did not take your pants.

I certainly don't want a pair...

- Mrs. Romano.

- Miss, miss.

- The evidence is here.

Anyway, thanks for
letting me have them back.

I'll be seeing you, I'm sure.

- Barbara and
Julie, get out here.

- You called mother dear?

- No, I yelled,
front and center.

- So what's new?

- Did you put his
pants in the laundry?

- Okay, okay.

I thought it was a
good idea at the time.

- That man is the most
egotistical, self-centered,

asinine idiot I have ever met.

- Other than that,
how'd you like him?

- That man stood here
smugly while I went through

the laundry and what'd I find?

I found his pants.

- Just his pants?

- What do you
mean, just his pants?

- I think you better
look again mom.

- Oh my god.

- Over kill.

- Now he's gonna
think I'm kinky.

- Oh mom, I'm
sorry, I'll return them.

- Oh no, I'm not
gonna let a child go

and do a women's work.

- You are going to go up there?

- You bet I am.

I am gonna let that
conceited jackass know

that there is one women
in this world that wasn't

chasing his chauvinistic chasy.

- Mom, wait a second.

You both still gotta
live in the same building.

- Unfortunately for him.

- Wait a second mom, now
you can't blame him entirely.

The guy is a celebrity
and you did have his pants

so maybe he was
just being honest.

- Look, nothing can excuse
that kind of arrogance.

I'm gonna go up there
and cut old hot wheels

down to size.

- Come on baby, come on baby.



- [Anne] Anne Romano
from downstairs.

- Come in.

- Mr. Randolph.

Mr. Randolph?

- Come on baby,
come on, you can do it.

Come on go for it.

Go for it baby.

Come on, come
on baby, go for it.

Go, come on.

Come on.

Come on baby.

- What are you doing?

- Clocking an ant.

- What?

- Hang on.


- What is?

- Well I mean considering
the relative size

and distance, this little ant
can make a 90 degree turn

at 200 miles per hour.

- Bully for him.

- I mean if I could
maneuver my car the way

this little guy moves,
I'd win every time.

Hey, you don't have a
small paintbrush do ya?

- Yeah, but I don't know...

- Good, you could paint
a number on his back

and we'll enter
him in the Raid 500.

That's a smile there?

- Look, Mr. Randolph,
I am not into ants.

I'm not into cars,
I'm not into racing,

I'm into shorts.

What I mean is
I'm into your shorts.

I didn't, I'm interested
in your shorts.

I'm interested in
returning your shorts.

- You took those too?

- No, I did not
take your shorts.

I did not take your pants.

My girls took them
as a ploy in order,

so that we could meet.

Look, Mr. Randolph, I don't
know anything about racing,

I never heard of you.

I don't have a clothes
fetish, so why would I steal

your clothes?

Nothing would fit.

- Well how about
a cup of coffee?

- No Mr. Randolph I
don't want to have a coffee.

I came in here
to explain to you...

- Oh I forgot I don't
have any coffee.

How about a drink?

- I don't want a drink.

- All of my booze is
packed away, I don't drink.

I just keep it for company.

How about a hot soft drink?

- Hot?

- I forgot to plug
in the refrigerator.

Am I impressing you?

- Well a little short
of your image.

Yeah, I always thought
of race car drivers

as hard drinkers who are
always chasing women.

- Some of us don't drink.

Listen, about a little
while ago, I apologize.

I sometimes jump to conclusions.

- Yeah, well I was
caught with the evidence

even though it was a frame up.

- Listen, I'll see if
I can beat the ants

to that root beer.

It's not gonna take
those dudes long

to figure out how
a pop top works.

- Yeah, this looks
like you won a big one.

- Oh yeah, that's
the Daytona Classic.

- Who's the other guy?

- Oh that's Randy Grover.

My best friend.

We came in one and two that day.

- Oh, you must have had
some sort of celebration.

- Well, we managed.

Yeah, he was killed
the very next weekend.

- I'm sorry.

- It wasn't even
during the race.

Crashed while trying
to qualify the day before.

- Hey, how could any
sport be worth the risk

of dying?

Why do you do it?

- Speed, I'm addicted.

- You, you risk your life
for the thrill of speed?

- Ah listen, there's
more to it than that.

I mean, when you live
your life on the very edge

you begin to appreciate
everything more because

it may be the last time.

Food tastes better,
the air smells different.

Even love is sweeter.

You know, when you're
used to living everything full out

anything less is
only half living.

- Um, how'd you
get started in racing?

- Driving moonshine
back home in Carolina.


- Bet you knew all the
back roads so you could

get away from those
mean old revenuers.

- Right.

- Hey, could I ask
ya something else?

- Sure.

- Um, don't you worry
about the danger,

I mean your best friend.

- Hey, hey, look,
sure there's danger,

but you'll acquire an attitude.

You know, some of
the guys use it as kind of

an inside joke.

- How do you mean joke?

- Well let's say you meet a
very appealing young lady.

She knows your driver,
and you've got a race

the next day.

So you say, honey,

let's live it up tonight cause
tomorrow I may cash it in.

- That's awful.

- Yeah, but it works.

Doesn't it?

You see whether
you're using it as a line

or whether you're being sincere,

it works because it's the truth.

- Ever used it as a line?

- No, no, I never needed to.


All right, I don't mean
that to sound egotistical,

it's just that I
never use a line.

- I almost believe you.

- Good.


- Um, when do you race again?

- The day after tomorrow.

But I have to qualify tomorrow.

You know, I usually eat a
big meal the night before

for luck you know.

But I haven't been
to the grocery in,

well all I've got in the
house is a half a box

of Fig Newtons, a can
of peas, and a grape nut.

- Yeah.

Since you never use a
line, could that possibly be

a hint?

- Possibly.

- Okay, I wouldn't want
you to be unlucky because

you didn't have that
big meal, so how about

joining us for dinner
tonight, chicken tetrazzini?

- I thought you'd never ask.

- 7:30?

- I can make it by 7:28.

- About that 200
mile an hour ant,

he's not invited.

- He'll be heartbroken.

You know how pets are.

- Well you can't use
that word around here.

I mean Schneider doesn't
allow pets in this building.

No pets allowed.

- Ah thank you, I'll
teach him not to bark.

- 7:30.

- 7:28.

- 7:28.

- Julie, explain to
me one more time

how inviting this
egotistical, self-centered,

asinine idiot to dinner
is really telling him off?

- Well you see,
mom is very subtle.

I think she's gonna poison him.

- Then explain to me how
come hamburgers we were going

to have is suddenly
turned in chicken tetrazzini?

- Barbara don't be so bojoir.

Poison hamburgers have no class.

- Okay girls, enough.

- Okay mom, then you explain it.

- The man's nicer
than I thought he was.

Maybe it's the ants.

- Ants mom?

- Poor man's got ants.

- Yeah in his pants.

(doorbell ringing)

Ladies, start your engines.

Vroom, vroom.


- White wine madame,
for the chicken.

- Thank you very much
sir, but I thought you were

driving tomorrow.

- Well you can enjoy
it for the both of us.

- Well, why don't we wait
until we can enjoy it together?

- It's hard to believe
she's gonna poison him.

- Does that mean
I'm coming back?

- Well I think you'd better
taste my cooking first.

- Well you look lovely.

- Thank you.

- Hi Cam.

- Hello darling.

- Hello my
darlings, hello, hello.

Ah, dinner for two, I
thought the girls were gonna

join us.

- Julie, what's with the...

- We forgot to tell her.

I don't believe it,
Marcy called a little while

and you know what she
did, she asked us to go

to the movies.

- Right, we'll just have to
grab a hamburger some place,

okay, see you later.

Have a very nice time
but don't stay up too late.

- Bye girls.

I think that they feel that
their beloved mother is

running out of time.

- Never.

- Please sit down.

- Okay.

- Well dinner's not quite
ready so what does a girl

offer a man who's
driving in the morning?

- How about tomato juice.

- Thank you, I didn't
know how I was gonna

get out of that one.

- Well if you're undecided...

- Tomato juice, fine.

Would you light
the candles please?

- Sure.

- Excuse moi.

- Hi Schneider.

- I hate to throw a
monkey wrench in your

well oiled plans but
there's a phone call for you

on my phone.

The girls told me
that you were up here.

- Schneider.

- Thanks.

- Who was it?

- It was your mechanic Wally.

He said if you want
to qualify tomorrow

you'd better call him fast.

Drop whatever you're doing.

- May I use the telephone?

- Sure.

- I usually take this
with a slice of lemon

and a dash of Debosco.

Candlelight dinner for two eh?

- Hello, Wally, what's up?

Ah no, and wouldn't you know it,

first the needle bearings and
now the clutch plate's shot.

- Maybe you should
try unleaded gas?

- See if you have one Wally.

- Clutch assembly huh?

- Right.

- I remember once in
high school I was taking

this little cutie up to
the top lookout point

in my 37 Chevy.

She was shifting
and I was clutching

if you get my meaning.

- Good, good, good,
what about the ignition?

- Well she missed
a shift, clutch.

The clutch went,
transmission went,

guy in the packet
came by, she went.

- All right listen,
listen, do you need me?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

All right, I'll see ya.

I gotta get down to
the garage right away.

- Well what about dinner?

- We'll bring it with us.

- To the garage?

- Sure you can help.

- Hey, wait a minute.

I don't know a wrench
from a screwdriver.

- Well you will by
the end of the night.

- Well, there goes
my candlelight dinner.

- Oh yeah, that's not fair.

We'll set the
candles on the hood.

Oh Schneider
thanks, I'll see ya.

- Yeah.


You're not falling for
this fender bender are ya?

- I don't know, but,

he's certainly got my attention.

- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week

for the concluding
episode of the race driver.

(audience clapping)

(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] One Day at
a Time was recorded live,

on tape before a
studio audience.

(upbeat music)