One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 12 - Ann's Crisis - full transcript

Ann feels that her 36th birthday is a major crisis in her life.

♪ This is it, this
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is
it ♪ Straight ahead

♪ And rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ ♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a time

- Ah, now this is what I
call a birthday breakfast.

A three egg omelet, toast,

fresh sq-wozen orange juice,

Fruit Loops,
melon, and a flower.

- Aww, I'll take it into, Mom.

- No way!

- I want...
- Barbara, I wanna take it!

- I am taking it into, Mom.
- I helped

- to...
- I'm the one
that... (crosstalk)

(thudding noise)
- Damn, damn, damn!

- [Ann] Why isn't
anything in the right place!

Who put that chair there?!

- Barbara, you can
take it into mom.

- Ah, that's all right

you can take it in...
- No really, go ahead!

(audience laughs)
- I don't want to take it.

- All right, does anybody
know where my other shoe is?

- Well, uh it's right
there where you

threw it at the
TV set last night.

- (sighs) Well I hate
Howard Cosell's toupee.

(audience laughs)

What is all of that?

- Oh it's just a
birthday breakfast,

everything you like.

Eggs, orange juice, raw meat.

(audience laughs)

- Ah, happy birthday.

- What's there to
be happy about?

Oo, darn it!

I just broke a fingernail.

That really tops it,
that tops it, that tops it!

- Mom, what is going on?

It's just a broken fingernail.

It couldn't be all
that important.

- Let me be the judge of that.

(audience laughs)

I'm gonna see a plastic
surgeon in an hour.

- Wouldn't a simple
manicurist do?

(audience laughs)

- It's business.

We're handling a
fund raising event

for the WestSide hospital
and the plastic surgeon

is chairman of the committee.

- Oh!

So that explains it.

I mean you shouldn't
even be thinking

about plastic
surgery for, months.

(audience laughs)

- Ah look.

A breakfast tray.

And I have been so
rotten. (clicks tongue)

(hands thud)

Just 'cause I have
to work today. (sigh)

- On your birthday?


- And on a Saturday, too.

- Aw!
- Aw!

- Well I'm not
getting paid either.

- [All] Aw! (audience laughs)

- Come on and sit down and
we'll give you your breakfast.

- Yeah, here's
the morning paper.

Your mail, your, pipe...
- Blah, blah, blah.

Thank you.

- Here we go.

(papers rustling)

- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!

(tray thuds)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- 36 and already
I've started to shrink.

(audience laughs)

- Good I thought I
was growing again.

(Ann laughs)

(Tray thuds) What's that?

- Well.

This is an information
form (laughs)

from a life insurance company.

Get this, this is on my
36th birthday yet, okay.

Are you A, between
18 and 24, B, 25 to 35,

C, all others?

(paper rustling)

(audience laughs)

I want you to
congratulate me girls.

I have just joined
the ranks of all others.

36 to death.

- So that's what
you're uptight about.

You're uptight
about being 36 today.

- I am not uptight
about being that number.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, it is 36,
not 56, stop acting

like you're middle aged.

- Yeah, Julie's right.

Look, the average life
expectancy today is 72.

So to be

middle aged you'd
have to be at least...

(audience laughs)

Why don't I just throw
myself out the window?

- No!

Barbara that's silly!

We're only on the fourth floor.

Go up to the roof.

(audience laughs)

- Ah, why don't we
just change the subject?

Let's talk about
your birthday party.

- Okay you're birthday party...

- I have an idea.

There's not gonna be one.

- What?
- You got to have a

a birthday party!
- Ah!

Okay now that we're
through with that subject,

let's go on to something else.

- What is all this
trauma about being 36?

It's just a number.

- Just a number, okay.

(glass thuds)

Girls I am going
to tell you what

a nun said to me yesterday.

She called me


(light laughter)

- What was she
supposed to call you?

- Dear, like they always
did in parochial school.

I mean I always thought of
nuns as figures of authority,

older and bigger than I am.

Here was this little
thing looking up at me

and calling me ma'am.

(audience laughs)

- Smaller than you?

(audience laughs)

You sure you weren't
talking to a penguin?

(audience laughs)

(everyone laughs)

- I know it's pretty funny.

(keys rattling)
- Hey what gives?

(girls laughing)

Unless I miss my
guess all this frivolity

could only be occasioned
by one circumstance.

Ms. Romano could it by chance,

be your birthday?

- Uh, Schneider
maybe later you know...

- No, no, no, now is
the time to greet this

auspicious day with a poem.

A poem by Dwayne Scheider.

(audience laughs)

(clearing throat)

Happy birthday 36 year old Ms.

- I'm in a hurry Schneider.

- Nah you'll like it.
(audience laughs)

(laughs) 36 is a
time life really begins.

So forget your wrinkles and
keep up your chins. (laughs)

(audience laughs and claps)

This is classic, listen to this.

Your eyes are still lovely
and so are their bags.

You're figure's still trim
except your derriere sags.

(audience laughs and claps)

And now for the big finish.

(keys clinking)

Some women your age
want birthdays outlawed,

but not you Ms. Romano,

you're a terrific
old broad. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

All right, so I admit I'm not
Henry Woolworth Longfellow,

but I mean (audience laughs)

every word was from
the heart, you know.

But actually I just
came up to find out

what time is the party tonight?

- There's not gonna be one.

- No, no, no party tonight?

Well you can't do that I got a,

I got a terrific, dynamite
chick just raring to go.

Dora the deserving.

(audience laughs)

- Girls if it a
Dr. Granger calls

will you tell him I've
gone straight to the office?

- Granger, is that
the plastic surgeon?

- Yup.

(door clicks)

- Plastic surgeon?

They're always
good for a lift. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

(intercom buzzes)

(phone clicks)

- Yeah Lois?

Ah, Dr. Granger's here,
huh, bummer right kid.

To meet a plastic surgeon
on my 36th birthday

in broad daylight.

Lois, send him in, oh wait!

Oh wait minute, Lois.

Count to 10, thank you.

(phone clunks)

One, two, three,
(blinds rattling)

four, five, six
(audience laughs)

seven, eight, (lamp clicks)

nine, (chair creaks)


(knocking on door)

Come in.

(door thuds)

- Mrs. Romano?

- Ms., hi.

- Hi, Ms.

Isn't it dark in here?

I can hardly see.

(audience laughs)

- Well that's good.

I mean I like to
work in subdued light,

you know it cuts
out the distractions.

Please, sit down.

- Well thank you.

(audience laughs)

Oh we have a desk lamp,
hey that's gonna be just fine.

(switch clicks)

- Oh, would you
like some coffee?

(switch clicks)
- No, thank you.

(switch clicks)

- Huh, look uh Dr. Granger
I worked up a brief

outline for your
committee and uh,

I'd you're approval
before we go any further.

- All right.

I think it's dynamite
of you to help us out

with all this publicity.
- Thank you.

- You've come up with
some interesting wrinkles.

(audience laughs)

- Oh!

You mean the, uh thank you.

- Yeah, hey I'm sure the
committee with just love the...

- Doctor.
- Uh.

- You're staring at my face.

Don't you think
that's a little impolite?

- Yeah.

Yeah it is, it's just that uh,

I'm not an owl.

(audience laughs)

It's dark I can hardly see you.

- (sighs) You're
right, I'm sorry.

(blind rattling)

- Oh, that's better.

- Ah, um look okay.

Let me admit something to you.

I'm a little uptight.

I guess I figure a plastic
surgeon sees every ladies' face

as a challenge, yeah.

- Yeah I know.

It's an occupational
hazard, what am I gonna do?

You know every time
I talk with a woman

I feel I should be
staring at the ceiling.

"Hi, how are you,
how's the family?"

(Ann and audience laughs)

- We'll it's not just
you, Dr. Granger.

- No, no, no, no
more doctor, Harold.

- Harold, okay.
- Yeah.

- Today's my birthday.

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

- I'm,

how old do you think I am?

(audience laughs)

- 36. (audience laughs)

- I look every
last day of it, huh?

- No.

You sound every last day of it.

I don't know Ann, but for
a woman 36 seems to be

the pinnacle of
the mid life crisis.

- Ah, terrific, mid life
crisis, it's got a name.

Huh, I'm not even unique.

- That's right.

You know that around
this time some women

actually refuse
to smile anymore?

'Cause it causes
wrinkles right around here

when you smile.

(audience laughs)

- Ridiculous.

Ordinarily I'd smile
at that. (laughs)

- (chuckles) And some
women come in to see me

who will never
sleep on a pillow.

Causes creases in the skin.

(audience laughs)

- Well how do they sleep?

- Very badly.

(Ann and audience laughs)

That's why they come and see me,

they have bags under their eyes.

And I know of six
women right now

who will never
again cross their legs.

Varicose veins.

- Really?

(audience laughs)

Well um, (sighs)

all right um, Doctor...
- No, Harold.

- Harold, yeah.
- Okay.

- I'm going to do a
what if with you, all right?

- Yeah.

- What if I came to see
to see you professionally?

What would you do to my face?

- Mm.


- Hopeless case, huh?

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

Come on, Ann.

Really, do you,

do you think in med school
they taught me how to,

how to put sparkle
in somebody's eyes?

No. (Ann clicks tongue)


or how to make a nose
crinkle just like that?


I wouldn't touch that
face, Ann, that's you.

That's a delightful face.

- It's also 36.

- 36, yeah.

I don't know, 36.

I make a terrific
living right here

in the good old USA because
people worship youth, but

Ann in France and Paris
the older the woman,

the more attractive.

- Viva la France!
(laughs) (audience laughs)

Oh Doctor.

- Ha-rold.

- Ha-rold - Ha-rold. (laughs)

You're good for what ails me.

- Nah.

What ails you Ann is
upstairs in your own head.

Can't you understand that a,

a woman as attractive
as you should,

you should just
be able to sail right

through that mid life crisis.

- Has anyone ever
told you that you have

one terrific bedside manner?

- Oh yeah.

Some of them are
even my patients.

(Ann and audience laughs)

- Um.

You're not married?

- No.

You are, huh?

- Uh-uh.

Look I always wanted to get...
- Ann what I want to...

That always happens.

Okay you go.
- Oh, no you go.

- No, no you go.
- No you go first.

- Go ahead no you go.
- Okay I will.

- Huh! (laughs)
- What I uh,

(audience laughs)
what I want to do

with this is uh,
(audience laughs)

I want to get this to the
committee this afternoon

then I can have it back to
you as soon as possible.

- Okay, good.

Why don't you

drop it off at my place tonight?

- No inconvenience.

- No, as a matter of fact
I'll be home all evening.

My girls are giving me a

surprise birthday party.

- Oh, one of those
surprise parties

that nobody is ever surprised!

- No, now come on.

This is a legitimate surprise.

My daughter's don't even
know they're giving it yet.

(audience laughs)

(Ann laughs)

(audience applauds)

(wavy, disco synthesizer music)

(audience applauds and whoops)

- Well hello, Schneider!

Don't you look all
nice all dressed up.

- He doesn't look so
bad the other way either.

(audience laughs)

- (clears throat) Cut the
commercials, okay Dora?

I'd like you to meet
a couple of lovely

young ladies here Dora.

This is Barbara
here and - Hi Dora.

- Over here is Julie.
- Hi.

Excuse me, Dora.

- Oh hey where's your mother?

- Oh, she's over there.

- Listen, whatever you do

do not mention age.

I have never seen a woman
so depressed by a birthday.

- Hi Schneider, hello Dora.

- Hi there, well happy
you know what day.

- Birthday, Schneider, birthday.

I'm 36, 36!

- I'm 40, double D!

(audience laughs and applauds)

You said we weren't
talking about ages.


Look at all that food!

- She's still growing.

(audience laughs)

Ms. Romano I tell
you, you, you look

radiant, you know?

Like the back end
of a glow worm.

(audience laughs)

I don't know what it
is you look, you look,


- I feel younger.

No, that's wrong, I don't,

I feel my age, 36.

And it feels good.

- That's great, that's terrific.

Happy birthday to you.

Here I got you a little present.

Something to keep
you warm on them

lonely, cold winter nights.

- What is it?

- It's a fur cover
for your john seat.

(audience laughs)

- Well, uh, Schneider thank you.

It's certainly
something that a woman

wouldn't pick out for herself.

(Schneider and audience laughs)

- I thought it would
tickle you. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

I better get over there to Dora.

She grows anymore she'll
be illegal. (clears throat)

(audience laughs)

- Still waiting for the
miracle worker, Dr. Granger?

- Oh come on now
I just met him today.

I mean it's no big romance.

- Come on, Mom, there's
something there, right?

- Okay.

What's there is a
man who isn't all

caught up in the youth cult.

Do you know what
he said to me today?

He said,

"Middle age is just youth
with wisdom, understanding

"and a bad back." (laughs)

- Oh that's cool.
(doorbell ringing)

I'll get it.
- No I'm getting it.

- [Barbara] Okay.

(footsteps clicking)

(door clicking)

- Hello, Ms. Romano.

(audience moans)

- Hey.

- Oh Ann I hope you don't
mind I brought my date along.

- No, I of course
not, come on in.

- Oh listen, before I forget.

I think your
presentation is dynamite.

Made a couple of notes.

Now if you have any questions,
you've got my number, right?

- Yeah.

Sure do.

(audience laughs)

- Ah Julie, um, why don't you...

- Uh, don't I know you?

- Yes!

You were the captain the of
the senior cheerleaders, right?

- That's right, '74!

I know, you were
the junior mascot!

- You got it!

Cindy, how you doing?
- How you been?

- It's so good to see you!
- I haven't seen you in such

a long time!
- Okay, excuse us.

Hey let's not let this
music go to waste huh?

Come on!
- See you later.

- We'll be right back.

(wavy, disco synthesizer music)

- Hey Mom, is that his daughter?

- His date, excuse
me sweetheart?

- Sure.

- Hey red, how about a dance?

- Ah, Perry oh a
little later, promise.

(upbeat wavy synthesizer music)

(Ann sighs)

(door clunks)

- Oh!

That's your marvelous,

plastic surgeon.

- Huh?

Oh uh, excuse me.

I was just putting on
some fresh lipstick.

That onion dip's so strong.

(audience laughs)

- Oh boy!

I really made a fool of myself.

No fool like an old fool, right?


(audience laughs)

No fool like a middle aged fool.

(clicks tongue) Middle aged, 36.

When did I get to be 36?

- Well today it's your birthday!

(audience laughs)

- Ah, what does 36
look like anyway?

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

- I'm getting hungry again.

(audience laughs)

(synthesizer dance music)

(Ann sighs)

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

Oh. (cries)

Oh why am I feeling like this?

(fists thud)

Over 35. (gasps)

God that phrase is
drummed into my head!

Over 35, tired blood?

Acid indigestion?

(audience laughs)


(audience laughs)

Am I'm too old to sit like this?

Maybe I'll sit

like this.

(audience laughs)

No then you're gonna
get varicose veins.

(audience laughs)

Maybe I'll just give up sitting.

(audience laughs)

I'm gonna be so self
conscious every time

I go out on a date.


Dating. (gasps)

Where you born?

What school did you go to?

How many kids do you have?

Oh aren't they
adorable! (laughs)

(easy going piano music)

I can almost hear them
saying, (horn honks)

"Poor Ann."

When Sinatra on loosed do
you think anybody ever said,

"Poor Frank?"

(audience laughs)

Men are so lucky!

They get to be called
swinging bachelors.

Anyone ever hear of
a swinging spinster?

(audience laughs)

Ah who the hell's in charge
of the adjectives anyway?

Older men get craggy,

distinguished, weather beaten.

(guests chattering
in background)


(audience laughs)


Old biddy.

(audience laughs)


(Ann laughs evilly)

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who's the fairest one of all?


Dora the deserving.

(audience laughs)

I wonder what's under the red?

Well, good for you Annie
you still got black roots.

(audience laughs)

(knocking on door)

- [Julie] Mom,
are you all right?

- Fine Julie, just fine!


(audience laughs)


Oh heavens, soon I
could be a grandmother.

They'll be on their
own and I could be

a nanny.

(audience laughs)

Nanny Annie.

(audience laughs)

And if I keep stuffing
my face I could be

Nanny Annie with a
great big fanny. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

Oh well they've grown up.

Why do I have that

sinking feeling that they'd
have done just as well?

(laughs) Or as badly
with me or without me.

Stop that!

They've always needed
you, they still need you!

No, honey. (gasps)

You need them.

Oh, oh my God! (cries)

I'm my own mother.

(light laughter)

Well, when you're 36, (chuckles)

who else do you
have to depend on?

(thumps chest) You
Annie, you, you're all you've

got to depend on!

(laughs) Oh am I in trouble!

Oh is that what being
grown up means?

Nobody else to depend on.

Trouble is you see I,

I don't feel like
I ever grew up.

I'm just growing old.

(Ann clicks tongue)

There must be one
good thing about being 36.

(hands smack) I got it!

I'm not 37.

(audience laughs)

Well Annie.

You like looking into
the future totally alone?

Sorry that's the
wrong word, bad, bad.


Ed's married, you want
to get married again?

Don't turn away I
asked you a question.

(audience laughs)

Okay I'll give you
a straight answer.

(light, upbeat music)

I don't know

what the hell I want.

(knocking on door)

- Hey Mom, you coming out?

- [Ann] Sure, sure.

- Yeah, the party's for you.

- I know.

I love you, huh?

- We love you.

- Hurry up.

- I'll be there in a minute.

(door clunks)

(Ann clicks tongue)

Okay Annie.

Okay kid.

So you're middle aged. (laughs)

Who cares?

So you're going
through a crisis,

there's always gonna be some
kind of crisis so what? (gasps)

You feel good.

You got a terrific
job, you look better

than you've ever
looked in your life.

You can cope with things
better than you've ever

coped with them before!

Okay honey, move
it, (gasps) just...

(sighs) Move it.


Well, (sniffs) I ah,

want to tell you
something Annie.

I really ah,

(laughs) enjoyed this
little chat, yeah. (sniffs)

Thanks for listening.

I do feel a whole lot better.

(guests chattering)

♪ Happy birthday dear Annie

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ And many more (laughs)

Well kid.

(brush clunks)

I'll check back with
you when I'm 40.

(audience laughs)

(Ann sighs)

(audience applauds)

(upbeat, swinging
synthesizer music)

(upbeat horns and theme music)

- [Bonnie] One Day At A Time

was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.