One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Older Man: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Ba da da da

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Ba da da da

♪ One day at a time ♪

- Oh, come on, you gotta
let me talk to Mr. Elton John!

Please?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, please let this one work.

Hi, y'all, Drake Hotel, Chicago?



This is President Carter's
little ole personal secretary.

I have a message
from the president

for one of your guests,
a Mr. Elton John.

Hello?

(audience laughing)

Hello?

Damn Yankee.

Okay, now this one has to work.

Come on I've been a good girl,

the only one in town.

Hello, are you there?

London here.

Chief Nurse Smythe
Wellington calling

from the Heathcliff Hospital.

We have a patient here,
a Miss Barbara Cooper.

She's come down with
a rare tropical disease,

and her dying wish is to
talk to a Mr. Elton John.

I believe he's at your hotel?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello!

(banging)

- [Julie] Barbara!

Open up, it's Julie!

- How do I know it's you?

- [Julie] Open up or I'll
punch your lights out!

- It's you.

- Don't ask any dumb questions.

Is Mom home?

- No, what is all that stuff?

- Just take this box.

Don't open it.

- Well, what's in it?

- Frogs.

- Come on, Julie,
what's in the box?

- Frogs.

- Julie.

(frog croaking)

Duh!

Frogs are in there, yeah.

What are you doing
with a box of frogs,

a man's jacket, a golf
club and a bent bumper?

- I knew you'd ask that,
I just knew you would,

and I suppose Mom will too.

Well, if you must
know, I took them so that

nobody would steal them.

- Now I know who flew
over the cuckoo's nest.

(audience laughing)

- How am I gonna
explain this to Mom?

- How about explaining to me?

- I don't care about you!

- Thanks.

- Now look, you
pretend you're Mom,

and then I'll tell
you the story.

See, I've got about six
versions I want to try out.

- This may be better
than The Gong Show.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, dear, what the
hell is that bumper

doing in my living room?

- Barbara.

- You said be like Mom.

- Okay, all right, just
give me a chance.

- All right.

Hi, dear, my what a cute bumper.

Where did you get it?

- Well, you see, it
started a week ago

when I quit the
job at the car wash.

Now, if I hadn't quit,
I wouldn't've been

looking for a job today,
and then I wouldn't've

had to borrow or car,
and therefore I wouldn't've

kind of gently bumped
into this little sports car.

- You smashed into a sports car?

You're grounded forever!

- Barbara.

- I'm not Barbara, I'm Mom.

(audience laughing)

- All right, Mom.

You see, I was driving
down Walnut listening

to the radio and
chewing bubble gum,

and this cute guy cruises
back on his motorcycle,

and he goes (whistles).

So when I tried to whistle back,

see, instead, I blew
this huge bubble,

and it exploded all
over my sunglasses.

Then there was this parked car!

- All right, all right,
I get the message.

- Hello, my beauties!

Oh ha ha, what a perfect day.

Mr. Davenport loved
my presentation.

I found these shoes
I have been looking

all over town for.

For once, I didn't
miss the bus, then I...

What the hell is that bumper
doing in my living room?

(audience laughing)

- Mom, don't worry
about the bumper.

- Yeah, wait'll you
see what's in the box.

- What?

- Mom.

- Frogs.

- Frogs?

(frog croaking)

Julie.

- They were in the sports car.

Don't ask me why.

- What sports car?

- The one that used
to own that bumper.

- Barbara!

Now, Mom, I had
a little accident.

Nobody was hurt,
no damages, nothing,

except the hatchback
sprung open, the bumper

fell off, and there
was all this stuff

in the back, and I didn't
want it to get stolen,

so I left a note, and
I brought is all home.

(audience laughing)

- How'd you happen to
bump into a parked car?

- Why don't we just say
it blew up in her face?

- I was rushing
to apply for a job.

- Well, it's about
time, since you've

been goofing off all summer.

(frog croaking)

I don't believe this.

- Mom, I had a
job at the car wash.

- Until she left the sunroof
open on a Mercedes.

- Car wash, isn't
that wonderful?

The reason for deciding
against college, washing cars.

- Would you give me
some credit, Mom?

I mean, that was just until
something better came along.

I'm still trying to find myself!

- Find yourself, uh huh.

In three months, all
you've found is an idiotic

bumper and some dumb frogs.

(frog croaking) Aw,
you stay out of this!

- Mom, would you come on now?

I mean, I think it
makes a lot of sense

to know what you want before
you go rushing off to college.

- Aw, Julie, we're not talking

about rushing off to
college. (knocking)

We have had this
discussion over and over

and over again, and I...
- Hey, hey, hey!

Can we possibly hold it down?

- Schneider, do you
always have to butt

in here right in the
middle of an argument?

- Is there any other time?

(audience laughing)

I got a complaint from Old
Lady Bronson across the hall.

She'd like you to keep it down

so she can take a nap or
talk louder so she can hear.

(audience laughing)

That looks like a bumper.

Well, I'm not much into
these objects de arty.

(audience laughing)

If you're really
into this stuff,

I got a La Salle
headlight you can have.

You can weld it
on the top, you got

a great lamp you can...

- Julie, did you call the
insurance company?

- No, not yet.

- Oh well, I don't
think it's worth insuring.

It's just a bumper.

- Julie hit a car, and
the bumper fell off.

- Oh, well, that'll
teach you not to drive

in the living room. (laughs)

- I'll call the
insurance company...

- Hold it!

The last thing you
wanna do when you have

an accident is to call
the insurance company,

'cause they'll up your rates.

If you have another accident,
they cancel your policy.

Then, you got nobody to turn to

in case you have an accident.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, if there's
anyplace you have to be...

- No, I'm free.

Listen, I know an awful
lot about insurance.

I mean, over the years, I've
had a few accidents, right?

And I'm in trouble
now with them all.

I mean, I can't
even walk into Sears

without the guy from Allstate
closing up his friendly hands.

(audience laughing)

- Well, they probably
will up our rates.

(frog croaking)

- You have a burrito for lunch?

(audience laughing)

- Mom, I, I will pay for it.

- You'll pay for
it, Julie, good.

With what?

All the money you
didn't earn this summer?

- I haven't found
a decent job yet!

- Have you tried applying
at a demolition derby?

(audience laughing)

- Ms. Romano, you
got a box of frogs

on your table here.

- Yeah, I know.

- Which one is the prince?

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, uh, would
you do me a favor?

- All right, okay, I'm going.

- Good.
- But in this building,

we have strict rules with pets.

I mean, you take them
frogs through the lobby,

they better be on a leash.

- Schneider, I am trying to
discuss college with Julie.

- Mom, do you have to
mention that every five seconds?

- Okay, okay, I
won't mention it,

but if you don't go
where I won't mention,

you have got to get a job!

- And I will tolerate no
lily pads in the bathtub!

- Schneider!

- Mom, I just haven't
found the right job yet.

- You never will
find the right job

sitting here on your butt!

- Would you give me some space?

I'm not gonna jump at the
first job that comes along!

- And no jumping or
croaking after 10:30.

- Dammit, Schneider!

Uh, hi.

- Perhaps I better
come back another time.

- No, no, no.

Who are you?

- Uh, I'm Dr. Curran, I
belong to the bumper.

- Ooh, it was your car that got.

- You creamed a doctor?

(audience laughing)

- I found your note.

- No, no, it wasn't my note.

It was my daughter's note.

- Not me, the guilty
looking one with no money.

- Say, doc, as
long as you're here,

let me ask you a question.

Let's say you had a cold, right?

And you took one
of them 12-hour pills.

Now then you cross
the international dateline.

(audience laughing)

Would your tiny time
capsules gain or lose?

(audience applauding)

I'll give ya a hint.

The sun sets in the west.

- Dr. Curran.

- Huh?

- Um, I'm really
sorry about your car.

- Oh, don't worry, I always
wanted a shorter car.

- I brought all your stuff
home so it wouldn't get stolen,

and I will pay for it.

- Yeah, we have insurance.

- Mom, that's your insurance.

I don't wanna use
your insurance.

It's my responsibility.

I'll handle it.

- That's all right with me.

- It's all right
with me too if she

had any source of income.

- Mom.

- Oh, my darling, how
do you plan to pay for it,

with an IOU?

- Mom, would you let me
handle one thing by myself?

- I've been waiting for
that event all summer.

(frog croaking)

And will ya get those
dumb frogs outta here?

- Um, those are my dumb frogs.

They're my patients,
I'm a veterinarian.

(frog croaking)

- I think your
patients just croaked.

(audience laughing)

- Julie, the point is that you
just aren't trained for any.

She expect the entire
world to stand up

and applaud her
high school diploma.

- Mom, would you
not talk about this

in front of someone
we don't know?

- Yeah, yeah.

- And why should I go to college

until I know what I want?

Would you tell her I
have one life to lead,

and she is leading it?

- Oh, well.

I'll figure out what the
damages come to...

- Would you like to
ask her how she's

planning to pay
for those damages?

- Mom, I'll pay for 'em!

I'll go get a job right now!

- Just don't take the car.

- Aw look, maybe I
oughta phone you later.

I'm really swamped
down at the office.

- Then you need help!

You could hire me.

- [Ann] Julie.

- Well, Mom, at least
let me ask for a job.

Now, doctor, when
you entered college,

did you know you wanted
to be a veterinarian?

- Yup.

- Oh boy, are you lucky.

You know, I hope I'm
mature enough to find

a goal first and then
kind of work towards it

instead of drifting
for four years.

Wait a second now, here me out.

I've always loved
animals, you know,

but I never thought
of working with them,

and now you're here.

I mean, it's fate,
don't you think?

- Oh yeah, sure, fate, yeah.

- You know, I'm
good with people.

I'll work hard.

I can type, can
you believe that?

I can type, and you
know what, I think

it would be so fascinating
to work with you.

- You do?

- Yes, I do.

- Well, I'll think about
it and let ya know.

If you'll excuse me,
I think I better get

my patients back to the
hospital before they dry out.

It was nice meeting you all.

- [Ann] Yeah, uh huh.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Oh, Julie.

You are really crazy.

I mean, you smash the guy's car,

you haul his
belongings off here so he

has to come and get 'em.

Then you inform the man
you can't pay for the car,

and then you embarrass
him by hitting him up for a job.

(doorbell ringing)

- Hi!

- I thought about it.

I could use an assistant, if
I could find the right person.

- I'm the right
person, I know I am.

- Well, why don't we find out?

- I'm hired?

- Yup.

- Well, where's your office?

- Where you shortened my car.

(audience laughing)

I'll see you at eight
o'clock tomorrow morning.

- Okay, great, thank you.

- Okay.

- Wait a second, eight?

You know, I don't usually
get up till around uh...

- Julie.

(audience laughing)

- I'll be there.

(audience applauding)

- Julie, Mom, come on!

Your eggs'll get cold!

- Barbara, I don't
want any eggs.

- Julie, I cooked 'em,
you gotta eat 'em!

- What are you so
uptight about, Barbara?

I mean, you don't pay
for the eggs around here,

Mom and I do.

- Oh, yeah, right,
the big working girl.

Well, everybody seems
to forget that I'm the one

that does all the work
at home, the cooking,

the cleaning, and I
still have studying to do!

- Aw, poor baby.

Thank you for
making my breakfast.

The eggs look
absolutely terminal!

- Listen to the
big veterinarian,

in charge of
sifting kitty litter.

(audience laughing)

- Bye, girls, see you tonight.

- Well, Mom, what
about breakfast?

- Oh, darling,
breakfast looks good,

but I have a breakfast
meeting with Mr. Davenport.

See ya.

- I'll walk down with you.
- Okay.

- Uh, doesn't anybody
bother to communicate

with the cook and
housekeeper around here?

You two just issue orders.

Iron my blouse, scrub the floor.

You guys just go off
and have fun all day!

- We're just going to have
to take the little woman

to dinner one of these nights.

- Yeah, come on, I
wanna get to work early.

- Hey, wait a minute,
am I hearing right?

- Mom, it is incredible.

Dr. Curran is so nice.

I mean, he's
patient, and he's kind.

I always thought of
work as work, you know?

It's really different when
you find something you like.

- I know, come on, let's go.

- Uh, hello there?

What am I supposed to do
with all those scrambled eggs?

- Barbara, I'll tell you what
you can do with the eggs.

Keep 'em warm.

Put 'em back in the chicken.

- Goodbye, darling,
see ya tonight.

- Here we go.

And here, give her
these once a day.

- Okay.

- All right, thanks a lot.
- Thank you.

- Bye bye.

(phone ringing)

Curran Animal Center.

(dog barking and whining)

Hank, I told you not
to phone me at work!

- Miss, I've been
waiting 20 minutes.

- Oh, doctor will
be right with you.

- Hi, Penelope,
here's your bunny.

- Is Robert all right?

What's wrong with Robert?

- There's nothing
wrong with Robert except

I think you oughta change
his name to Roberta.

- Why?

- He's expecting.

- Expecting what?

- That sounds
like girl talk to me.

Julie, would you explain
that to the young lady?

- Why me?

- Well, that question gets
asked a lot around here,

you might as
well get used to it.

- Right.

Uh, Penny, your
rabbit is pregnant.

Do you know what that means?

- Yeah, my mommy's pregnant.

We're gonna have a baby brother.

- Well, it's the same
thing with your rabbit.

- We're gonna have
two baby brothers?

(audience laughing)

- Well, uh, no, you're
going to have bunnies.

- Don't be silly.

My mommy can't have bunnies.

Only bunnies can have bunnies.

Boy has she got a lot to learn.

(audience applauding)

- Thanks a lot.

- Here's Suzette, Mrs. Martin.

- Thank you.

- Julie, will you write this up?

- Uh, doctor, what was
wrong with Suzette?

- It's the same ear infection.

You gotta remember to put
the drops in the ear every day.

(dog barking)

Julie?

The great Dane,
what's wrong with him?

- Oh, I think he misses Suzette.

- You put little Suzette
in with a great Dane?

- Oh, no, you see,
she sat up and begged,

but I said no way.

(audience laughing)

- Very funny.

- Thank you.

- Uh, Julie, not terrific.

- Uh, that'll be $18.

- Look, I really don't know
why he's charging me.

This is the third
time I've been in here

for the same thing.

It hasn't done one bit of good.

- Well, have you been giving
her the drops every day?

- Look, I can't spend
my whole life putting

drops in a dog's ears.

I'm a very busy woman.

- Well, then you
can't blame the doctor

if you don't follow
his instructions.

- Miss, just give me my change.

I have a tennis lesson.

Thank you, and if you
bark the way you did

the last time, I'm gonna
have to roll up the windows.

- You're gonna
leave her in the car!

- Young lady, what I do
with my dog is my business.

- Well, you obviously
don't love her.

Bet you don't even
play with her, you're too

busy with your tennis.

Well, I bet she's never
too busy to love you.

- This is the last time
I'm coming in here.

- I hope you get tennis elbow.

(audience applauding)

- Uh, Miss Cooper?

- Uh, doctor, I didn't
know you were there.

- Well, you keep up
the public relations,

and I may not be.

(audience laughing)

- Doctor, I don't know
what happened to me.

I never blow up like that.

That's a lie, I do.

I'm sorry, I'll phone
her and apologize.

Oh no, that wouldn't
be honest at all.

How could you even
ask me to do that?

She obviously
doesn't love her dog.

I just could not
work in a pet hospital

where they don't love animals.

I'll quit first, please
don't fire me.

(audience applauding)

- Well, I can't.

My car's not paid for yet.

- Thank you.

- Now, frankly, I agree
with what you said.

It's the way you said
it that was the pits.

I've always believed
that the animal

is the patient, not
the owner, but there's

one thing I learned
in veterinary school,

and that is, that
animals do not carry

money in their pockets!

- Don't forget the kangaroos.

- Yeah, a little small
change there, yeah.

(Julie laughing)

Julie, I've got some
catching up to do around here,

would you mind staying
on and helping me?

- Oh, no, I'd love to.

Should I phone your wife?

- I don't have a wife.

I've been a widower
for four years.

- Oh, I could go get
some sandwiches.

- No need, I can
make some hot dogs.

- Where?

- What do you think I
use my sterilizer for?

- I'll get some coffee.

You know what you are?

You're an eight.

- Huh?

- You remind me
of a number eight.

- I do?

Maybe we better
skip the hot dogs.

- I don't mean how you look.

I mean how you are.

I'll show you.

You see, an eight is complete,

and it's completely filled in.

It's symmetrical.

It never changes no
matter how you look at it.

It's a number you can trust.

It sounds dull.

- No, no, it's not.

What's dull is a one.

It's a straight thing,
a one-track mind.

I've dated a lotta ones.

- You know, three has
always been my lucky number.

- You're not a three!

No, look, I'll show you.

You see, the three
is like only half there,

you know, kinda schizo.

My sister is a three.

- I see.

- What do you think I am?

- Maybe you're a four.

- Four?

Empty headed?

- Oh, no, no, no.

No, to me, four has always
been kind of an enigma.

- I'll, I'll think that over.

I know what I'm not.

I am not a five.

You see, five is kinda
contrary, it goes in all directions.

It can't make up it's mind.

My mother is a five.

(audience laughing)

- Maybe you're a nine?

- Stacked?

- I thought we weren't
gonna talk physical.

- Right.

I'm sorry, that's just what
nine makes me think of.

But I wouldn't wanna
be a nine anyway,

'cause when you get
older, you turn into a six.

(audience laughing)

Yeah.

Do you want sugar
in your coffee?

- No, thanks, just black.

Julie, when did
you first start putting

people and numbers together?

- I don't know, a long time
ago, when I was a little kid.

- Huh.

An eight huh?

I like that.

- Where's Julie?

She said she'd be home at eight.

How many times
can I reheat a dinner?

The aluminum tray
is beginning to melt!

I've had it, for three days now,

I've been Barbara the maid.

Do the dishes, cook the
dinner, make the beds.

(doorbell ringing)

- Get the door.

- Get the door!

You know what I am, I'm
a robot, that's what I am.

Everybody's pushing my buttons.

Walk, Barbara Turn, Barbara.

Lift, Barbara.

Bend, Barbara.

- You been smokin'
bananas, Barbara?

(audience laughing)

- Uh, I was um practicing
for a school play.

- (laughing) She's got a
great sense of comedy.

- Drama is more her line.

- Talkin' about
drama (throat clearing)

I've been wondering about Julie.

How's everything
going down at the job?

- She seems to love it.

As a matter of fact,
she's staying late tonight.

- Oh, they have an emergency?

- No, I don't think
so, the doctor just

asked her to stay.

- [Schneider] Why?

- I don't know.

- You don't know.

Ms. Romano, I don't
wanna be an alarmist, see,

but I got a gut
feeling about that guy.

I mean, any guy over
40 drives a sports car,

that guy wants to be a sport!

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, please,
he's just a very nice man.

- And he's ancient.

He's got gray hair.

- Just because there
is snow on the roof

does not mean there
ain't no fire in the furnace.

Now, Ms. Romano why would
a doctor, a professional man,

offer a responsible
job to an untrained,

untutored young girl who
has just totaled his car?

Can you advance
me an answer for that?

- Well, - Just
yes or no, please.

(audience laughing)

Ha, you see, you see.

Now, Ms. Romano, it's
not uncommon for a...

It's not uncommon
for an older man

to be consumed with attraction
for a premature physiology.

(audience laughing)

- He's after her bones?

- Okay, Barbara.

Schneider, come on,
the man is 42 years old.

Julie told me that.

Besides, she knows the score.

- Sure, 42 to 17,
and he's still at bat.

(audience laughing)

- He's just a very sweet man.

Hi, dear.

- Hi, Mom, Schneider, Barbara.

- How was work?

- Work?

Wonderful.

- I think we're too late.

- All right, Julie, now
where have you been?

- Dinner, right?
- Right.

- Oh, Barbara, I forgot.

Next time, I'm gonna call you.

Oh, that was so
inconsiderate of me.

- What's the matter
with her, she's nice?

- Uh, Julie, it'll
only take a second

to warm up the dinner.

- No, no, Mama, I'm not hungry.

Paul and I cooked hot
dogs in his sterilizer.

- Paul.

Yesterday it was Dr. Curran.

- Yesterday, I wasn't
in love with him.

(audience applauding)

- [Announcer] To be
continued next week.

(upbeat music)

- [Ann] One Day at
a Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

(fanfare music)