One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 9 - Schneider's Pride and Joy - full transcript

Schneider is very proud of his nephew not knowing that he is really a thief.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Oh, sugar, I need help.

- I get the feeling
it's too late.

- This fella Grover's
coming for lunch.

My nails are wet and one
of my eyes fell in the salad.

- What?
- Contact lens.

It's green, Grover loves green.

- Ginny, since you
moved in I sure have

a lot more to write
my mother about.

- Just find the lens
before Grover finds out

my eyes are wearing falsies.

- Mm, it's oil and vinegar
with a touch of basil.

- Basil? Basil's for
Benny, Benny's for dinner.

Garlic's for Grover,
Grover's for lunch.

I need a dance card.

- Hey look, I found it.

One of the garbanzo
beans is staring at me.

- You're a life saver.
- I know.

I'll go wash it off.
- Okay.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, I'll get it.

Don't shoot.

- Your money or...

- Would you take
advantage of a woman

while she's completely helpless?

- Oh, yes.

- Hey, Ginny, here it is.

- Oh, thanks.

- Hi there, Ms. Romano.

You seen my nephew?
- Nope.

- Well he was gonna fix
the lamp in the girl's room.

I guess he's still working
on that curtain rod in 407.

- Aw, that's a shame to
make him work on his visit.

- Make him work, he
outright volunteered.

I mean, he mopped the foyer,

he cleaned out
the storage closet,

and then he climbed
up on the roof

and he got
Mr. Goldfob's hearing aid.

Goldfob threw it up there
and he said to his wife,

"You want to talk to me?
Go climb up on the roof."

He's beautiful.

Somethin' wrong?

- No, just putting
in my contact lens.

- You mean to tell me I
have been writing sonnets

to limpid pools of plastic?

- Dwayne!

I thought it was Robert
Redford with a dye job.

- An honest mistake.

- You hunk, you.

See ya later, Ann.

Tell that cute nephew to
call me up when he's 21.

I'll still be the same age.

- I tell ya, that nephew,
he's really a charmer.

Did I show you the
watch he brought me?

- That's beautiful.

- 14 jewels, rustproof,
waterproof, shockproof,

with a built in alarm.

I haven't missed one
garbage pickup since I got it.

Nothing's too good
for his uncle Dwayne.

- You're real proud
of him, aren'tcha?

- Ah, Ms. Romano.

My Harvey, he is merely
the greatest nephew

it has ever been
my privilege to uncle.

I mean, the kid's got it all.

He's cool, he's handsome,
he's macho, he's me.

- Hello.

My uncle's passkey.

- He's you, all right.

Hello, Harvey.

- Hiya, Ms. Romano,
I came to fix the lamp.

- Ah, Schneider, you
shouldn't let him go

into people's apartments
using your passkey.

- Oh, yeah.

Listen, Harvey,
Ms. Romano is right.

You shouldn't do that.

There's a lot of women
that might take advantage

of a guy like you.

- Are you kiddin'?

With you around, I
wouldn't stand a chance.

- Hey, there's always
room at the top.

- Where's the lamp?
- Girls' room.

- Hey, listen, I brought
the sautering gun for ya,

if you need it.
- Oh, thanks, unc.

- Unc.

Did you hear the love and
the adoration in his voice?


What he was really
saying was "dad."

And, of course, I have been
ever since his old man died.

- Well, you and your
sister seem to have done

a pretty good job
raising Harvey.

- Are you kidding?

She's a dingaling.

Harvey turned out
great despite her.

I don't know what it is.

I just don't think mothers
are cut out to raise kids.

She keeps telling me
that something is wrong.

That he's got a problem.

He doesn't have any problems.

He's got no problems
except his mother.

Do you realize that she
took him into the ladies room

until he was five years of age?

It's a wonder he ever learned
to stand on his own two feet.

Did I show you the
new watch he got me?

- Let me guess, 14 jewels,
rustproof, shockproof.

- All right, so I'm
braggin' on him a little bit,

but he deserves it.

You need a hand
in there, Harvey?

- No, no, I can handle it.

- Loose wire there, no sweat.

Oh, what time is it?

- Oh, it's 12:20.


- It's all right.

Actually, it's 12:19.

7:19 in Honolulu.

It's tea time in Baghdad.

- All right, already.

You know something, unc?

I'll tell ya what.

I'm gonna go get cleaned up,

then I'm comin' back
and buyin' your lunch.

- No, no, today
the chili is on me.

- No, no, I'm pickin' up
the tab, I won't hear of it.

- That kid.

He's too much.

I mean, he's so young
and he's got it all together.

I just hope he doesn't burn out.

- Yeah, boy, I know
what you mean.

I mean, you can't be
president until you're 35.

- Wouldn't that be somethin'?

- Dwayne Schneider, the
super at the White House.

Excuse me, Mr. President,
but the toilet in the blue room

is temporarily de passage.

- Hi, ma, Schneider.

- Hi, girls!

Did you have a good time?

- How are ya?
- Good.

- How's your daddy?
- Good.

- Listen, I didn't think
you was supposed

to come back 'til tomorrow?

One of you ladies is about
to have the date of your life.

- What?

- Schneider's nephew's visiting.

- I'll go get Harvey.

- Harvey?
- Harvey?

- Schneider, I've maybe...
- Hey, don't worry.

I shall instruct Harv to
turn down the volume

on the Schneider charisma.

Thank god he doesn't
have a mustache.

- Schneider's nephew.

Well, looks like you've got a
date with Schneider's nephew.

- Not me, I'm a little too
tired for a wrestling match.

- Actually, he seems
like a pretty nice kid.

- Who wants to go out
with a nice octopus?

- How old is he?
- 17.

- Too bad, you win, Barb.

He's too young for me.

- You're 17.

- You know I don't
date guys my own age.

What do you want
to do, start a scandal?

- Ma, do I have to?

I mean, I hate blind dates.

- She's a beautiful kid.
- Whaddya talkin' about?

Blind dates? I can
get my own dates.

- Just trust me.

- I don't need you
or anybody else to...


You want to go
to a movie tonight?

- Sure, what time?

- Pick you up at seven.
- Great.

- Not that it matters, but
Barbara, this is Harvey.

Harvey, this is Barbara.

- Happens every time.

Instant adoration.

Ever since I gave
him a pint of my blood.

- My dad bought me some
new tapes this weekend.

You want to go listen to them?

- Sure.

- Great, I'll get
my tape recorder.

- Your tape... Wait a...

You just got home,
we could do it later.

- It won't take but a sec.

- Julie, would you help
me over there with...

- Yes.
- Thank you.

- Well, duty calls.

I gotta go jump on
Ms. Fetis's linoleum.

It's buckling again.

- I'll help you out.

- No, no, no, I want
you to give Mr. Wilson

a hand finding his camera.

He says somebody ripped it off.

And then I want you
to go reset that tile

in old Mrs. Dorsey's shower.

- Where do you keep
the tile adhesive?

- Nevermind that, just
use her denture grip.

- Ma, have you seen
my tape recorder?

- No, sweetheart, did
you take it to your father's?

- No, I left it on my dresser.

- I was taping my diary.

- Oh, well maybe it self
destructed out of boredom.

- Hey, look, I'm sure that
it's around here someplace.

- I hope so.

I hope I didn't lose it.

I had a really good time.
- Me too.

- Come on in.

- Listen, Barbara.

I'm gonna ask ya again, please.

I really want to.

- Harvey, I can't,
I mean, I couldn't.

- Come on, don't
ruin everything.

- Harvey, I wouldn't
be ruining anything.

It just, it's not right.

- Please? I want to so much.

- Yeah, well so do I.

Maybe I should ask my mom.

- Ask mom?

- Whoa, wait a second now.

I only wanted to give
her a tape recorder.

- Whew.

- Hey, Julie, there is
really a good, oh, hi.

How was the movie?
- Good.

- Ms. Romano, now, Barbara
here lost a tape recorder, right?

So I want to give her this one.

- I told him that I absolutely,

positively can not accept it.

- Good.
- Can I?

- Harvey, look, it's a
very generous offer,

but Barbara cannot accept
such an expensive gift.

- That's right, I mean,

she's lucky if she even
gets a kiss on the first date.

- Stuff it.

- It's not new, and
I've got another one.

- Harvey, nevertheless.

- Let's consider it a loan
until she gets another one.

Great, now let's go
listen to your new tapes.

- Harvey, I, ma!

- Julie.
- Mom, why?

It'd be like babysitting
Snow White.

All right.

(doorbell rings)

- Parked it in the
garage, but no, no.

That was too much trouble.

I coulda locked the car
door, but no, no, why bother?

I coulda put it in the
glove compartment,

but it looked so nice
lying out there on the seat

that I just...
- Ginny, what happened?

- Somebody stole my
brand new tape recorder.

Ginny, what does your
tape recorder look like?

- It's black, it has a
black leather case, why?

- Okay, this is gonna
sound off the wall,

but Harvey gave Barbara a
tape recorder on their first date.

- All I got outta Grover
was 20 laps around the sofa.

- Ginny, Barbara's tape
recorder is also missing.

And Harvey was in her room
this morning fixing a lamp.

- Back up, back up.

Are you saying Schneider's
nephew is a thief?

- No, no, I'm not saying that.

But I'm gonna find out.

- Yeah?

- Honey, would you come out here

and bring your tape recorder?

I'd love Ginny to see it.

- Sure.
- Okay.

Would you kinda look at it
without being too obvious?

- Yeah, like the
guys in the bar.

- Hi Ginny.
- Hi.

- How's it going?

Harvey gave it to me.

- Oh, it's real nice.

It's also mine.

- Harvey?

- You know, I found
that in an alley.

I thought somebody lost it.

- You know what I think, Harvey?

I think that you took
Barbara's tape recorder

and then after you met her,
you wanted to score some points,

so you got another one.

- You stole both of them?

- All right, yeah.

Big deal, what are you
gonna do, call the cops?

And tell 'em what, that I
stole your tape recorder?

You're standing there
holding it in your hands.

- Don't gimme that
smart talk, pipsqueak.

You'll be playing another
record when unc hears about this.

- You've gotta be kidding.

He wouldn't believe
a word you said.

It'd be your word against mine.

And lets face it, sweets,
you gotta nice body,

but I'm his pride and joy.

- Okay, kid, come on, you're
not impressing anybody.

Get outta here.

- I can't believe I'm
really hearing this.

- Well, thanks,
kid, it was terrific.

- [Ann] Come on, go.

- Leave the doorknob.

- I don't understand.

I mean, we had such a good time.

Why would he do
something like that?

He didn't even say he was sorry.

- He's sick, Barbara.
- Yep.

I think that Harvey's
mother knows him a lot better

than Schneider thinks she does.

- Mom, Mr. Wilson's
camera is missing.

- And Harvey had the passkey.

- Poor Schneider.

- I'll talk to him.

Come on, girls, bedtime,
school tomorrow, let's go.

- Good night, Ginny.
- Night, sleep good.

- Night ma, night Ginny.
- Night.

- Ginny. (pounding on door)

Oh, what now?

- Apartment 402?
- Yes.

- Ms. Ann Romano?
- Schneider...

- Henceforth, Ms. Romano,
if you require any work

of a reparatory
nature, you may consult

with the yellow pages.
- Schneider...

- He told me what
went on up here.

- He did?
- Yes.

And he's got nothing
to be ashamed of,

because any red
blooded American boy

would've done the same thing.

- What?
- It takes two to tangle.

- Run that by us one more time?

- Harvey told me that
Ms. Prude here caught he

and Barbara doing a little
platonic necking on the sofa,

went crazy, and threw him out.

- And you believe that?

- Believe it?

Of course I believe
it, he's my nephew.

- Schneider, god, this
isn't gonna be easy to say.

- Go on.

- Harvey took Ginny's
tape recorder from her car.

- That's incredible.

The tricks that an active
mind can play on one.

I coulda sworn that
I just heard you say

that Harvey stole
a tape recorder.

- It's true, Dwayne,
it's right here.

- It's right here,
but he stole it.

What are you two doing,
smoking a little rope?

- Schneider, that
is Ginny's recorder.

Now, she has identified it.

Harvey gave it to Barbara.

- Well, lemme ask you somethin'.

If he stole it, why did
he give it to Barbara?

- Because when he was fixing
Barbara's lamp this morning,

he stole hers.

- Why dontcha gimme a call
when you come out from the ether?

- Aw, Schneider.
- Ms. Romano.

When you accuse a
Schneider, you accuse America.

- Wait...

- Besides, what would he
want with another tape recorder?

He's already got
three of 'em at home.

- Hey, kid.

- Hi, unc.

- You're packin'?

I thought we were going
to a ballgame tomorrow.

- Yeah, well.

I'm a little worried about mom.

You know how she gets
when she's left alone.

- Yeah.

Yeah, listen, Harv.

I was talkin' to Ms. Romano.

- Oh, you went up there, eh?

- Yeah, look, I'm
not pryin' nothin',

but she said that ya gave
Barbara a tape recorder.

- And she told you I stole it.

- Well, you know how
uptight menless women get.

Be like spit on a hot
tin roof, but the thing is

that Ms. Wrobliki, she's got
this crazy idea that it's hers.

- Listen, unc, I gotta
tell ya somethin'.

I didn't know whose it was.

I mean, I know it
was wrong, but well,

Barbie wanted a recorder,
I was a little short of cash,

so I bought it hot from
some guy in the alley.

- You mean it was already hot?

- Sure.
- Oh, and I was worried.

(knocking on door)
- Schneider?

- Well, if ain't
the judge and jury

come by just in
time to apologize.

- Can I come in?
- Yes, indeed, do, come in.

- Listen...
- No, you listen, Ms. Romano.

That tape recorder,
that was already hot.

He didn't steal it.

Now, you'd better
check out your facts

so you stop hanging
heavy heat on Harvey here

for heisting hot hoot... loot!

- Look, I don't want no apology.

I would just like
to get outta here.

- [Ann] Hold it, hasty.

Schneider, he did steal
Barbara's tape recorder.

He also stole
Ginny's tape recorder.

He admitted the whole thing.

Also, Mr. Wilson's
camera is missing,

and Harvey here had the passkey.

- Ms. Romano, I am
about to say something

I have never said before in
this apartment to a woman.


- Harvey, open the suitcase.

- Are we gonna stand for this?

- Come on, cutie, open it.

- Go ahead, open it.

Show her how wrong she is, Harv.

- Uncle Dwayne, if you
make me open the suitcase,

it's gonna mean
you don't trust me.

- No, no, no, but see,
if you don't open it

then she's gonna think that
you're stealin' somethin' right?

- Right, right, open it.

- You know, you are
just like my mother.

You don't believe
anything I say.

Oh forget it, I'm splitting.

- Hey, Harvey, for me, huh?

Open the suitcase.

- All right.

You want it open, there
it is, open it yourself.

- All right.

I hope you're
satisfied, Ms. Buttinsky.

Go ahead, you want
to go through with it?

Whatta we got here?

Well, we got some
shirts, some shorts, socks,

a camera, a tape
recorder, a pearl necklace...


- I'm sorry.

- You fink.

You fink!

I oughta give you...
- Schneider, please.

Schneider, no.

Hey, Schneider...
- All right!

All right!

You're a big man, arentcha?

Pushin' your mops around,
haulin' your garbage.

I don't need you, unc.

I don't need you at all.

Oh, and keep the watch, eh?

I got a drawer full
of 'em back home.

- He stole the watch.

- Schneider, he is
screaming for help.

- He's screaming for help?

Well whaddya think I'm
giving him his whole life?

I mean, I made one of
those soap box racers for him,

he was a little kid,
I took him fishing.

I taught him how to
make hunter's stew.

Played baseball with him.

We joined the little
league together.

Why, the first season, he
led the league in stolen bases.

I guess that's really
all he's good for in life.


That's the thanks I get for
being like a father to him.

- Ah, Schneider, you
were never like a father.

That includes
discipline and rules.

What you are is a great uncle
who plays games with him

and then sends him home.

You ever had a
serious talk with him?

- Aw, Ms. Romano, that stuff.

That's for the high
school coach to teach him.

- Don't be afraid to
talk to him, Schneider.

I mean, the worst
thing that can happen

is he'll find out his uncle
macho understands his problems.

- The fact is, Ms. Romano,
that I gave it my best shot.

As busy as I was, I
hung out with that kid.

I found time for him.

I can look my conscience
right in the eye.

It's not my fault that
my sister raised a thief.

- Schneider, he's
in serious trouble

and you're thinking
about yourself.

- Would you please butt
outta my life, Ms. Romano?

- It is not your life, it's his.

Did you ever stop
to think for a second

that he might wanna get caught?

- He what?

- Aw, Schneider,
people do all kinds

of crazy things
just to get attention.

Maybe he needs
professional help.

- Like what?

- Like a psychiatrist.

- Send a Schneider
to a psychiatrist?

Absolutely not, I won't
even touch their plumbing.

No Schneider has ever
gone to no psychiatrist.

- Would you prefer a prison?

- Came back to get my clothes.

At least they are mine.

- Harvey, we're
gonna have a talk.

- Who needs it?

- Everybody needs it, Harvey.

Especially you.

So we're gonna have a talk.

- I don't think so.

- Harvey, we're
gonna have a talk!

- So, what should we talk about?

I think I swallowed my gum.

- All right.

Now the way I see it...

You wanna start talkin' first?

I don't mind if you
wanna start talkin' first.

Frequently in today's society,

the younger talks
before the older.

- [Announcer] One day at a
time was recorded live on tape

for a studio audience.