One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Upholstery Ripoff - full transcript

Ann must deal with an unscrupulous furniture reupholsterer.

♪ This is it ♪ (This is it)

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ (This is it)

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ (One day at a time)

♪ So up on your feet
♪ (Up on your feet)

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ You just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ (One day at a time)

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ (One day at a time)

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

(woman screaming on TV)

- (screaming)

It's great dialogue, sweetheart.

- Oh, don't turn it off,
Mom, I'm watching!

- I've heard of hindsight,
but this is ridiculous.

- Oh, come on, leave it on!

- Honey, I am not in the
mood for vampires today,

do you mind?

- [Man On TV] Hi there, folks!

This is Callahan of Callahan,
Corcoran, and Colby,

the Upholstery Kings.

- Ha! Now there is a vampire.

- [Callahan] Are your
sofas and chairs getting that

shabby look?

Look around your rooms
and check them out.

- How can we?

- Why do you think
we're sitting on the floor?

- Our sofa and chair
have been in your shop

for over a month.

- We guarantee you
speedy and efficient service.

No need to spend your hard
earned money on new furniture

when Callahan, Corcoran,
and Colby can reupholster

your old sofa and one chair

in your choice of
thousands of fabrics

starting at prices
as low as $150.

You can't match that
anywhere in town, $150.

- Which you jacked up to 375,

lay that on them, you turkey!

- Look for the sign
of the three C's,

Callahan, Corcoran, and Colby.

We also pride ourselves
on that fourth C:


- And don't forget
the fifth C: Crooks!

- For free estimates, we
have operators standing by

to take your calls at our
special number, 555-7145.

That's 55...

- And busy signals
for your complaints!

- Well, maybe
they'll deliver today.

- Ah, honey, they said
they'd deliver last Saturday

and the Saturday before that.

I don't know why
I ever got involved

with this cockamamie outfit.

They sucked me in
with a Bette Davis movie.

- Well, it's about time they
brought our furniture back.

I am sick and tired of
rolling around on the floor.

- You didn't seem to mind
last night when Jason was here.

- Stick it in your ear, kid.

- Ah, I only went to
them to save money.

You know, I must be crazy.

How could I trust three guys

who ride a sofa
through a car wash?

(doorbell rings)

- Maybe that's them!

- Aw, bless your
young little heart,

you still believe in miracles.

- Schneider.

You rang?

- So did I.

I'm in the mood for bells today.

Ain't it a beautiful morning?

- Last time I looked,
I saw rain clouds.

- Ah, yeah, but we
must love them, too.

For they make the daisies grow.

Don't ever forget the daisies.

- Uh, Schneider, is there
anything that we can do for you?

- Uh, yes, I would like to know

if I could borrow
your hot air curling set.

- Oh, gee whiz.

Golly, Schneider, I
think your hair looks great

the way it is.

- It's not for my hair.

- It's for your mustache.

- The lady that just
moved in across the hall.

Room 403.

♪ Schneider and the lady in 403

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪
First comes love, then...

- Hey, girls!

Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on.

Schneider, look,
don't mind them.

I mean, it's natural curiosity.

I mean, we haven't
met the new neighbor.

What's she like?

- Yeah, what's she like?

- I'm not gonna tell you.

- Oh, come on, Schneider!

- Come on!

- You really wanna know?

- Yes!
- Yes, we wanna know!

- All right.

I'll tell you.

You really wanna know?

- Yes.
- For sure.

- She walks in
beauty like the night

of cloudless climes
and starry skies

and all that's best in
dark and night meet

in her aspect and in her eyes.

- That's beautiful, Schneider.

- Yeah, I know.

- Uh, where'd you learn that?

- In the army.

Buddy of mine had it
tattooed across his chest.

It just fit.

His bellybutton was the period.

- I'll get the curlers.

- Yeah.

- Schneider, you're not
falling for that lady in 403?

- Falling?

Falling, you mean falling? Me?

Hey, I'm the super!

It's my job to make a
new tenant feel, you know,

at home, say hello.

- We haven't seen
you for two days.

- Well, I don't like
to say hello and run.

- Here.

- But I gotta tell you,

she is really a beautiful lady

and she has exquisite
class, all right?

The color of her towels
matches her Waterpik.

Look, she uh...

She's really not set up
for housekeeping yet,

so I thought what I
would do would be

I would invite her to
my place tonight, maybe,

and we could have a
little candlelight dinner.

- Why are we whispering?

- Miss Romano, what
would you say would be

an appropriate wine to

serve with pepperoni pizza?

- Uh, pepperoni pizza,
how about Red Nun?

- Red Nun, interesting.

You know, I was thinking
of the color of her eyes.

I wonder, do they
have a Hazel Nun?

- He has really
flipped on this 403!

I'm surprised he didn't break
into the "Indian Love Call."

(Schneider singing
"Indian Love Call" outside)

- Schneider's in love!

- And with someone
other than himself.

- "She walks in
beauty like the night."

- And Schneider's
head ain't on tight.


- Yeah!

Mick Jagger is now Donny Osmond.



- Oh, please, God,
if you're a woman,

let this be the furniture!

- I just wanna know one thing.

Which one of you belong
to this undersized slingshot?

- Um, who are you?

- Ginny Wrobliki, 403.

- The one who walks
in beauty like the night?

- 32B Cup.

I had a larger training bra.

- What do you want?

- I've been walking
all over the building,

trying to find the Cinderella
that fits this slipper.

The only one who came
close was the dude in 415

and he says he don't wear
anything under his dress.

- (laughs) That's mine.

- Oh, then these
must be yours, too.

Didn't you see my
clothes in the dryer, honey?

You put me through
a second cycle.

I'm sorry.

Uh, I guess I didn't look.

Did I wreck anything?

- You bet your sweet bippy.

- What's a bippy?

- Hatch this one, too?

- Uh, look, so the
clothes got mixed up.

What's the big deal?

- I'll tell you the
big deal, mop head.

Two times through the drier
shrunk up my nonshrinkables.

Look at these pantyhose.

I bought them in an egg, I'll
have to bury them in a walnut.

- Uh, look...

I'm sure that if my daughter
did anything that needed...

- I'll pay for anything.

- Oh, forget the money.

You couldn't be doing too well

if they repossessed
your furniture.

- It's just being reupholstered.

- Oh, I got three brassieres
that need reupholstering, too.

And take a look at this
cocktail waitress uniform.

This is the way it's
supposed to look.

- Doesn't look much different
from the one that shrunk.

- What's the matter,
you don't approve, sugar?

What are you?

One of those libbers?

- No.

No, I'm not a libber, but...

Well, I don't believe a
woman should exploit her body.

I mean, I know I
wouldn't use mine.

- Oh, sugar, you can't
use what you don't have.

- For your information,
I have got...

- Mom!

Don't commit yourself.

- There you are, Miss Wrobliki.

- Hello, hunk.

- Hi, I uh...

I uh...

I uh...

- Yes?

- I've got your hot air
curling set like you wanted.

- Ah.

- Miss Romano was kind
enough to lend it to you.

- Then I'm not gonna use it.

It'll probably shrink my hair.

- Oh, I didn't know
nylon could shrink.

- Listen, Ms. Black Roots...
- Uh, okay.

Uh, why don't we
start all over again?

You go out and don't come in.

(Schneider laughing)

- I knew you two
were gonna hit it off

right from the start.

I knew it.

- Sure.


- Miss Wrobliki.

I also, uh, I hung
that mirror for you,

like you asked.

- Oh.

- Over your bed.

- Thanks, Dwayne.

(Schneider giggles)

You are man.

- And you are woman.

- Well, at least they've
identified themselves.

- Please, tiger,
turn your face away.

Your mustache is
driving me crazy.

- Did you hear that?

- Barbara, get the Pepto-Bismal.

- I'll bring enough for two.

- Make it for three.

- Ooh! Don't you dare lift that.

That's much too heavy for
a delicate little thing like you.

- Schneidie.

(doorbell rings)

- Schneidie!

Mr. Callahan!

Oh, our friendly
television upholsterers!

- You saw me on the tube, huh?

- Yeah.

Hey, tell me it's
good news, huh?

I mean, you're
delivering the furniture?

- They're bringing it up.

(girls exclaim)

- God is a woman! (laughs)

- The slight delay was because

we believe in
doing quality work.

- Ah, come on, girls,
let's clean this up.

- Say, don't I know
you from somewhere?

- I'm Callahan of the
Three C's Upholsterers.

- Didn't I buy a used
car from you in '71?

- No.

In '71 we were the Three
C's Roofing and Siding.

- Hmm.

Maybe it was '72.

- No, in '72 we were

the Three C's Carpet
Cleaning and Shampooing.

- You guys must drive
the Yellow Pages crazy.

- I know I bought a
used car from you.

Weren't you in used cars?

- No.

The Three C's wouldn't touch it.

There's sometimes dishonesty
connected with that business.

You must be thinking
of someone else.

- Maybe so.


- Apres vous.

- Merci, mon amour.

(Schneider laughs)

- (gasps) Finally, our chair!

- Just tell us where
you'd like it, Miss Romano,

and Tiny will place it there.

Then we give Tiny a cookie.

Right, Tiny?


- Uh, right there
will be just fine, Tiny.


- Sure beats the floor.

- (laughs) How does it feel?

- Great.

- Wait till you see the couch.

This stuff's gonna
last you 40 years.

- I thought we wouldn't
get it back for 40 years.


- I know you're gonna
be happy with the job

and when you're customers
are happy, I'm happy.

- Yeah, well, I'm gonna go
write you an unhappy check

for 375, which just
happens to be the last nickel

I have in my checking
account, but...

- Miss Romano, there must
be some misunderstanding.

- What are you talking about?


- What?

You're kidding!

- Oh, there's
gotta be a mistake.

- You're absolutely right.

- Of course.

- We forgot to add
the delivery charge.

- What?

- You're crazy!

- That is ridiculous.

- That is crazy!

It's outrageous!
I'm not gonna pay it!

- All right.

We'll forget the
delivery charge.

That's the way we do business.

After all, goodwill is more
important than money.

- Yeah, well you know
what, if we pay this,

we'll have to buy our
clothes at Goodwill.

- Great, we'll look
just the way he does.

- Listen, Callahan, or
whatever your name is...

- It's Callahan.

- Yeah, all right.

Bad enough you jack
up the price to 375,

with all that garbage
about imported fabrics,

but now you say that it's $620

and I mean, that's just stupid!

- I know how you
feel, my little lady.

- I am not your little lady.

- I sympathize, but when
we opened your furniture

and saw all that damage...
- What damage?

- The springs,
the frame support,

the stuffing.

- Talk about stuffing.

- You got a great sense
of humor on you, lady.

- Look, Mr. Callahan,
damage or no damage,

I am not gonna pay for
anything 'cause I didn't ask you

to fix anything!

Assuming that
you did fix anything.

- Are you questioning
my honesty?

- (laughs) No, I have
no question about that.

- Good.

'Cause we could get
Tiny to rip open the chair

and show you.

You authorized us to
make all necessary repairs.

If you wanted schlock work,

you should've gone down
to those bums at Sofa City.

We've gotta do good
work, we're on TV!

- So were Bonnie and Clyde.

- Clever.

I was hoping we could take
care of this business quickly

because I am on
my way to a funeral.

You see, Mr. Colby, the
third C of the Three C's,

has passed away.

He was in tufting and pleating.

If you will please pay
this bill with no further fuss

because he would
have liked it that way.

- I'm not paying a penny.

- Try to explain
business to a woman!

- (laughs) That's
what it is, isn't it?

You are not gonna
take advantage of me

just because I am a woman.

- Am I to understand you
do not wish to pay this bill?

- Clever.

- It pains me, but
we shall have to then

garnish your furniture and if
you do not pay up in 90 days,

we will sell it.

- Oh, don't try and bluff me.

- It's all in the contract!

Page 12, on the back,
section 5, article 2.

Take the chair.

Not the kid, just the chair.

- I'm not moving.

- Take the kid.

- Mom, they' can't do that!

- They certainly
seem to be doing it!

All right!

Take our chair!

- Miss Romano, our business
is built on good relations

and trust.

Our customers keep
coming back to us.

- Yeah, to sit on
their own furniture.

- Clever, clever.

- Let's just hope
you don't sit on ours.

- Also clever.

I gotta hand it to
you, Miss Romano,

you got two smart... Kids there.

- And one stupid mother
for ever dealing with you.

- Mr. Callahan,
what's taking so long?

We have to get to that funeral!

And what's with Tiny?

He's taking the chair
back to the truck.

- I told him to.

Miss Romano, this is
my partner, Mr. Corcoran.

- How do you do?

- So, what's the
problem, Mr. Callahan?

- The problem is that the lady

does not wish to pay her bill.

- Does not wish to pay her bill?

- Ah, I do want to pay my bill

and I do want to
have my furniture,

I just do not wanna be taken.

- She wants to pay
her bill, Mr. Callahan.

She's obviously
a sincere person.

- Yeah.

I mean, I'm willing
to pay the 375,

but I don't want to pay the 620.

- Let me see the
bill, Mr. Callahan.

- The bill, Mr. Corcoran.

- 375 is exactly
right, Mr. Callahan.

- Oh, thank you very much.

- For the materials.

But the labor
brings it up to 620.

- I don't believe this!

- How much would we get if
we sold her stuff, Mr. Callahan?

- Uh...

75, a hundred bucks if
we're lucky, Mr. Corcoran.

But that fabric she
picked out is the pits.

- You were the one
who recommended it.

- If I had taste
I'd be a decorator.

- Tears my guts out to have
to sell somebody else's stuff,

Mr. Callahan.

- But we do it all the time.

- You know what I'm thinking?

We knock off a hundred and fifty

and let her have it for 470.

- Nah.

- We do it in
Mr. Colby's memory.

- All right.

Life is too short.

Who ever said we
were in this business

to make money anyway?

- I think I did.

Okay, Miss Romano, 470
and we'll have your furniture

up here just as soon
as you can write a check.

- I don't care if I
have to sit on the floor

for the rest of my life.

You're not gonna
get away with this.

- Okay, Mr. Callahan,
we're just wasting our time

and we have to
get to that funeral.

(doorbell rings)

- And to think
Mr. Colby gave his life

boxing her pleats.

- I knew I'd seen you
somewhere before!

In fact, I've seen
both of you boys,

the Frick and Frack of fraud.

What is that, a growth?

What were you selling in 1970?

- Um.
- Uh...
- 1970.

Uh, it was custom bibles,
wasn't it, Mr. Callahan?

- Bibles, bibles.

- That's right.

In 1970, I bought a
bible from Callahan

to pray for the car I bought
from Corcoran in 1969.

What's the scam they're
pulling on you, sugar?

- They jacked up the price
for reupholstering our furniture.

- They advertise for 150,
then they push it up to 375.

- Then they shoved it
all the way up to 640.

They're thieves.

- Oh, don't flatter them.

- Our funeral is
waiting, Mr. Callahan.

- Your funeral is right here.

- Uh, listen here, Miss
Rob-Leeki, I don't think...

- Ah, Wrobliki, it's
such a simple name.

- Wrobliki.

Listen, uh, I really don't
think you should get involved.

I can handle it.

- I owe 'em one, you mind?

- Look, lady, will you
get out of the way?

We're in a hurry.

- There's only one way
you're gonna get out of here

and that's through me, get it?

Through me.

- What are you, bananas?

- No, I'm grapefruits.

One false squeeze and
you get it right in the eye.

- Look, lady, I'll give you
three to get out of the way.

- If I know you,
you'll jack it up to six.

- What do you say, Mr. Corcoran?

- Settle for four.

- Look, lady, I'll give you
four to get out of the way!





Okay now move!


Look, I'm going through you

even if I have to hurt you!

- Look, porky...

You can leave any
time you want to,

but first you're gonna
have to hurt me.

Oh, I might hurt
you a little bit.

A kick here, a kick there.

Especially there.

But you can get by me,

all you have to do
is take me apart.

So come on, take me apart.

- She's bluffing,
Mr. Corcoran. (laughs)

Go ahead.

- Go ahead, what's stopping you?

Not frail little me.

- Or breakable little me.

- Two on two!

Now we got a ballgame going!

- They're nuts, how
do you deal with nuts?

- Oh, now that we
understand each other,

let's talk business.

- There is nothing
to talk about!

We're not coming down
one dime on that price!

- You wanna yell
"rape" or shall I?

I'll do it, I'm dressed for it.

- Hold it, hold it!

- Close the coat.

Close the coat!

- First close the deal.

- Or the t-shirt goes off, too!

- All right, all right!

- Is the coat closed?

- Coat's closed.

- Shirt down?

- Shirt down.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- 375.

- 375!

- Ha! I'm gonna
go write that check.

- Just a minute, honey,
didn't they advertise for 150?

- You advertised for 150.

- We've never done any job
for as low as we've advertised!

- 375 is the bottom line.

- You know what I completely
forgot about, Miss Romano?

- What's that, Miss Wrobliki?

- I completely forgot about
mental anguish, Miss Romano.

- Why, you're
right, Miss Wrobliki.

- When was the last time
you had a good night's sleep?

- Oh, wow, that must have
been three, four weeks ago.

- [Both] Oh.

- I think we're talking
here about 1400, 1500...

- Okay, okay!

150 as advertised.

- Mr. Corcoran!

- Shut up, Mr. Callahan!

And move that to the other side.

- See, what I think
you ought to do now

is write on that
bill "paid in full,"

then I'll go over there and
write out your little check

for $150 while you
bring up the furniture.

- Enjoy the funeral, stiffs.

Well, I guess we
eight-sixed them.

- Thanks a lot, Miss Wrobliki.

- Ginny.

- Ann.

(Ginny laughs)

(jazzy music)

- [Narrator] One Day at a Time

was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.

(jazzy music)

(orchestral music)