One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 7 - David's New Job: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none



♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- [Narrator] And now for the
conclusion of David's New Job.

(Schneider humming)

- Oh Julie.

Julie?

Beanpole.

- Yes, lard bottom?

- Would you mind
getting the tape?

- It's over there.

- Yes, and I am up here.

Could you move your bones?

- Instead of getting
married, Mom and David



should have decided
to live together,

just like everybody else.

- Bite your tongue.

Marriage is one of our
most sacred institutions.

It's what's made
this country great.

Why, if George Washington
hadn't married Martha

she never would
have made the flag.

- Betsy Ross made the flag.

- Are you trying to tell me
that the father of our country

was fooling around
with Betsy Ross?

Bite your tongue again
with wooden teeth.

- How come you never got
married again, Schneider?

- Because I have too much
love for one woman to handle.

Any gal that marries
me might OD on amor.

- If you have to go,
what better way, right?

- [Ann] Julie, have
you seen my half slip?

- No, Mom.

- [Ann] Some help you are.

- What is going on?

- Mom's been trying on dresses
all morning for the wedding

and she can't make up her mind.

- Ain't that cute?

A nervous bride trying to
look her best for her groom.

- [Ann] Damn, damn, damn.

- Some brides are more
nervous than others.

- She's been so uptight
the past few days.

- Yeah, I know.

It's kind of hard to believe
tomorrow is the wedding.

Tomorrow night, you're all
gonna be off to California.

- Yeah.

- I thought you'd be
excited about that.

- We want to go.

- It's just, it sounded like
a better idea a week ago.

- I guess it's not
easy to say goodbye.

- Look, sometimes
these things happen in life

as you go along in life.

That's life.

You're gonna be making
new friends out there.

I'm gonna be
making friends here.

Maybe a nice
couple comes in here,

maybe with a couple of boys.

I can take them fishing.

Boys are a lot easier to
hang out with than girls.

- We're gonna miss
you too, Schneider.

- We'll both get over it.

Besides which, I may be
going to the coast myself.

- You're kidding.
- Really?

- It's like the guy said,
"Go west, young man."

- What guy said?

- Horace Heidt.

- How do you like it?

- Oh my.
- Look at that.

- I like that.
- Like an angel made it.

- I hate it.

Purple is wrong and
I can't wear white,

I'm used merchandise.

- Mom, come on, stop
putting yourself down.

You're gonna be
a beautiful bride.

- Some beautiful bride, I'm 35.

I've got miles on me.

Now I know what a clinker
in a used car lot feels like.

- Ma, you're very
young for an old person.

- You know what, Mom,
you know what I heard?

I heard that woman at
35 is nearing the height

of her sexuality.

(spoon clatters)

- I don't know why I even
bothered with this one.

Maybe I should try the yellow
one with a strand of pearls.

- That would look pretty too.

- No it won't, but I'll try.

- You know, Mom
is as jumpy as a cat.

- It's not like her to
panic about a dress.

- You never can tell how a
woman is gonna react to marriage.

My ex-wife, she
was completely calm

and then while I was carrying
the bags to the motel room,

she took the keys to
the car and she split.

We never even got
a chance to break

the paper ribbon on the potty.

- It's a good thing Mom has
us around to calm her down

for the wedding.

- I don't know how
she made it through

the first one without us.

- Nothing, right?

- Give us a
chance to look at it.

- I'm telling you,
she's very nervous.

You're gonna have
to be patient with her.

Anything else I can do?

- No, everything seems
to be pretty together.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- How about rice,
got enough rice?

- [Barbara] I think so.

- It's funny, Americans
throw rice at weddings.

Chinese probably
throw potato salad.

Well well well, if it is
not the bionic groom.

You look like you can't wait

for the nuptials to
be consummated.

- I'm counting the minutes.

One one thousand,
two one thousand.

- Listen, you rascal, you
don't come on too strong.

You got a very
nervous bride in there.

- Don't worry, don't worry.

Schneider, make
sure you're not late

for the ceremony tomorrow.

- Are you kidding?

I got the tuxedo
rented and everything.

Bow tie, cummerbund,
spats, all in subdued maroon.

- I can't wait.

- Mr. Kane, come
here, come here.

If you'd like me to
arrange for the stag party,

it's still not too late.

- No, Schneider
that's sweet of you...

- We can do it right
down at the lodge.

I told all the guys
about it, they're all for it

and we got a brand
new stag film in this week.

Brand new!

I understand in this film,

the couple actually
talk before they...

- Really?

What do they say?

- Ready, yep.

(knocking on door)

- I'll get that.

- Hello.
- Hey, David.

- My little future
income tax write-offs.

- Okay, let's give it to him.

- [Girls] (vocalizing) ♪
Here comes the bride,

♪ Here comes the groom

♪ If you need advice
on the honeymoon

♪ We'll be in the very next room

- The Pointer Sisters have
nothing to fear from you two.

Where is the bride presumptive?

- What?
- Your mother.

- Oh, she's in the bedroom,

trying on dresses
for the wedding.

- Now that it's getting
close, the poor kid's a wreck.

Mom, the loved one is here.

- [Ann] Who?

Oh, I'll be right there.

- David, please, no matter
what she comes out wearing,

tell her it's perfect
for the wedding.

- Oh, gotcha.

- Hi.

- It's perfect for the wedding.

- Real funny here.

You're all out
here having a ball

and I still can't
decide what to wear

for a little occasion
known as my wedding.

- Ann, it doesn't
matter what you wear.

I'm marrying what's
underneath the clothes.

That didn't come out
quite the way I'd intended,

but now that I've
said it, what the hell.

- David, I'm a little edgy.

- Look, I know this is
the very last minute,

but there's one more person...

- David, did you arrange
everything with the movers?

I mean, with your
stuff and ours,

we really have a lot of junk.

- Yeah, don't worry.

We'll finish packing tonight
and tomorrow they'll take it

all out on the same truck.

Now there's one more...

- Julie, Barbara,
did you arrange

to have your school
records transferred?

- Mom, we did
that three days ago.

- Instead of transferred,

I wish I could have
mine destroyed.

- Ann, oh, good, I
have your attention.

Look, there's one
more person that...

- Champagne, David, do you
think we have enough champagne?

- We have plenty
of champagne, relax.

Everything is taken care of.

I just need to get some rice.

- Don't worry, we got
enough potato salad.

- Look, Ann, there's one more
person that we have to invite.

My Aunt Rose, she's
very old and very wealthy.

She might want to
leave us some money.

I wouldn't want to
deny her that pleasure.

Besides, I've
already invited her.

- I still say instead
of having the wedding

in the apartment, you guys
should get married in the forest,

like my friends
Susan and Eddie did.

It was a great back
to nature wedding.

- All she wore was
a garland of flowers

and he wore a fig leaf.

But the honeymoon
was a wipe out,

the fig leaf wasn't a fig leaf.

He caught poison ivy.

- This is getting, woo
hoo, funnier and funnier.

The David and Ann variety show,

an hour of merriment
and sick jokes.

Will you all just knock it off?

- Come on, Mom, I was
just trying to relax you.

You've been so uptight.

- I am not uptight
and I do not need

my experienced daughters
telling me how to run my wedding.

- Ann, come on, go easy.

- You're not my
husband yet, David.

Don't tell me how
to talk to my kids.

- Mom, we were just trying...
- Stay out of this, Barbara.

I don't want to
hear from you either.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to yell.

- It's okay, Mom.

- Thanks.

David, look, it's just the
nervous bride syndrome.

Sue me, I've lost my cool.

- Ann, I don't think
you're just nervous.

- Sure, David, that's all it is.

You know me, nervous Nelly.

One thing I'm sure
about is this marriage.

I'm excited about it.

I'm glad you forced me into it.

- Forced you?

- You know, I wasn't sure
and you made me sure.

I love you for that.

I love you for your strength.

You're a rock.

- Well this time tomorrow,
you'll have a piece of the rock.

- You get the feeling
they want to be alone?

- I get the feeling.

- We're gonna wrap
some presents, okay guys?

- Listen, if you
need any help...

- I don't think they'll
be needing any help.

- (giggles) That was very nice.

- We had a quarrel,
we had to make up.

- Take a note, after we're
married, let's quarrel a lot.

- You got it, kid.

Quarrel, make up,
quarrel, make up.

You know I got a great job
waiting for me in California

but at this rate I
don't know how

I'm ever gonna
have time to do it.

Ann, it's gonna be
beautiful out there.

- Yeah, I know it will.

Julie and Barbara are
already in love with California.

They can't stop
talking about it.

- Well it's a great
place to raise kids.

You know, our
house is right near

a terrific preschool nursery.

- So?

- For our kids.

- Julie and Barbara?

- No, the new ones that
you and I are gonna have.

I thought we'd start with...

If we start with a boy, because
we already have two girls.

- David, we never talked
about having children.

- I didn't think we had to.

- Honey, you're already
getting two kids on the house.

I assumed that would be enough.

- Ann, I love Julie and Barbara,

but they're your kids
and what's-his-name's.

Ed's.
- Ed's.

- A man wants his own
children, and I assumed

that you assumed what I assumed.

- Exactly how many
did you assume?

- Well, to pick a number, three?

Two would be fine.

That would be perfect.

Two boys to go with the two
girls, a perfect matched set.

Of course, one
would be sufficient.

One would make me
completely content.

- David, I have
been all through that.

Besides, I'm 35.

- So what?

A lot of women have
babies in their 40s and 50s.

I read once about a
woman who had a baby

when she was 74 years old.

One day she just woke up
from her nap and there it was.

- I have had my kids.

- Well I haven't.

Ann, look, it's a
completely natural urge.

We live in an age
of copying machines.

What's wrong with me
wanting a little Xerox of myself?

- David, I understand
how you feel, really,

but I've been all
through that baby bit.

The months of blimpdom,
the waking up in the middle

of the night, the
four hour feedings.

- I would help.

- I breast fed
Julie and Barbara.

- I defer.

Look, Ann, as far as
raising the kids, though,

I could take a tremendous
load off your shoulders.

- It goes deeper
than that, David.

Julie and Barbara are
practically on their own now.

I had Julie when I
was 18 years old.

I've been raising
kids half of my life.

Now I have a chance
to begin to raise myself.

- You don't have to answer now.

Just take your
time, think about it,

and then we'll have the baby.

- You're gonna have a baby, Mom?

- Soon.

- Great, I always
wanted a sister.

- Hey.

- Look you guys, I really
have enough problems here

without help from
the peanut gallery.

- Come on, it would be
fantastic to have a baby.

- Then have one.

Cancel that.

- Ann, you see, the
whole family is for it.

- Well I am not, and I
do not like being pushed.

- I'm not pushing, we're
just discussing it, that's all.

- What do you
think this is, David?

- As far as I'm
concerned, if anything...

- Guys, would you
excuse us for a little bit?

I think your mother
and I are about to have

a little argument.

- We are having
a little argument.

- You know what, we're
gonna go say goodbye

to my chemistry teacher.

- That should make his day.

- Barbie, come on, Barbie.

- Ann, I never thought
such a little baby

was gonna cause
such a big hassle.

- It is a big hassle.

A big, huge,
insurmountable hassle.

- Let's not say insurmountable.

- Insurmountable.
- Ann, just think about it.

I don't feel I'm being
that unreasonable.

- Of course you don't.

- Look, Ann, I started
out wanting three children.

I'm willing to settle for one.

- Well you'll just
have to settle

for a goldfish and that's it.

- A goldfish
playing little league?

- I see where
you're at, sweetie.

You want to have all
the fun while I stay home

and do all the work.

- That's not true.
(doorbell rings)

- Just a minute!

Yes?

- Excuse me, do I have
the wrong apartment?

I'm Reverend Howland.

- Reverend Howland, I'm sorry.

I forgot to tell you I
asked the reverend

to come over this morning.

How are you?

- Fine, thank you.

- This is Ann Romano.

The bride.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I hope I didn't
come at a bad time.

- Oh no no, we
were just discussing

our wonderful future together.

- How nice.

- Sit.

- What?

- Please, be seated.

- Oh, thank you.

As I told Mr. Kane on the phone,

I wanted to meet you both.

I like to inject a little personal
touch into the ceremony.

- Yes, that's why we felt
you'd be the right man for us.

- Miss Romano, I
understand you're Catholic.

- And divorced, with
two grown children.

- That's quite all right.

You see, at our church
of all denominations,

we have a very liberal attitude.

And David, you're Jewish.

- Well, actually,
I've strayed a bit.

- Oh, an atheist.

In that case, I won't
mention God in the ceremony.

- I'm not an atheist, I'm
more of an agnostic, really.

- There's no problem there.

I'll merely say,
"If there is a God,

"may he bless the union
of these two people."

Now you're a very
enlightened couple.

I imagine you want to
eliminate the word obey

from the ceremony.

- Absolutely, absolutely.

Just make it love, honor,
and be fruitful and multiply.

- Well, I've never
heard that before

but it has a nice sound to it.

Old Testament.

- How about "Do not
sow seeds in a field

"that has already been reaped?"

- I've never heard that before.

Old or New Testament?

- Farmer's Almanac.

- Well, you both
seem to be at odds

on the subject of children.

- We are.

Reverend, let me ask
you something, okay?

If a woman already
has two grown children,

is it so wrong for her
not to want any more?

- In my Mother's
Day sermon, I said...

- Reverend, reverend, if a
man has never had any children,

is it so unreasonable
for him to want some?

- In my Father's
Day sermon, I said...

- I don't want to go
through that whole life again.

- That's understandable.
- Ann, you make it sound

like some terrible ordeal.

Having a child is the most
natural thing in the world

and I want one.

- In Genesis, they say...
- I come with two.

Now that should be plenty.

- In Cheaper by the
Dozen, they say...

- I want one of my own.

- David, you are
being incredibly selfish.

- May I say that...

- Why, because I want
something that you've already had?

- What?

- I have a cornerstone to bless.

- The pleasure, the
pleasure of seeing

my own children grow up.

The joys of parenthood.

- It's been nice
chatting with you.

- You know, David, you
don't know what the hell

you're talking about.

- May God bless, or whoever.

- That's just it, Ann.

I don't know what
I'm talking about

and I want to know
what I'm talking about.

That's why I want
this experience.

And I think you're the one
who's being damn selfish

in not allowing me to have it.

Look, if it upsets
you that much...

- My God, David, don't.

- Don't what?
- Not again.

Don't give in, don't
compromise for me.

- Look, if you don't want
to have any children...

- It's not children,
David, it's me, it's me.

It's what I gotta
do with my life.

David, it's not gonna work.

- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?

I've been using you.

- That's really ridiculous.

- Take a good look at me, David.

I am selfish.

- Come on, I didn't mean that.

I was angry, I'm sorry.

- David, you were right,
really, I have been selfish.

I divorced Ed and I
wanted to be on my own,

but I haven't had
the guts to do that.

I didn't divorce Ed, I
replaced him with you.

- Come on, Ann, give
me a little credit, will you?

I knew what was going on.

I accepted it for what it was.

But it's different now.

- It's not different, David.

I've been cheating you.

I can't share my life
with you or with anyone

until I find out
what that life is.

- I understand.
- You don't understand, David.

I gotta make the break.

I have got to.

I hate what I'm doing
to you and to me.

- Ann, I haven't been
an unwilling participant.

- But I have been
using you, David.

I've been using you as a
crutch, a sounding board,

a lover, a friend, a
surrogate father to the girls.

- I didn't do anything
I didn't want to.

- But it's wrong, David.

It's wrong for you and for me.

I can't need that anymore.

- I know.

In a way, I've
been using you too.

I know what you
want from your life.

I've always known.

But I let you lean on me.

I enjoyed it.

I guess that was
pretty selfish of me.

- It's over.

And the awful
part about that is,

I think we've both known
that for a very long time.

- I better, uh...

I'll call the airline and
cancel your reservations,

and the kids.

Oh, I'll catch them before...

Uh, maybe I can
get an earlier flight.

Don't worry, I can get my
deposit back on the house.

I'll just, uh, I'll
call the coast.

And line up an apartment.

Oh, the wedding gifts.

I have to return...
- I'll return them.

- Reverend Howland.
- David, I love you.

- I'll call him and, uh...

My Aunt Rose.

I don't want her to
be angry with me.

That's purely a matter of greed.

- I love you, David.

(sobbing) I'm scared.

I'm scared.

- [Narrator] One Day At
A Time was recorded live

on tape for a studio audience.