One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 6 - David's New Job: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Julie, I can't believe it!

- Believe what?

- I actually bowled 142.

Best game of my life.

Right Schneider?

- Yeah, she was
actually pretty good.

(audience laughing)

- That's fantastic Barbara.

What was your score Schneider?

- Well listen, my
score is not important.

I mean, I, the important thing,

I was able to give
her some pointers,

you know what I mean?

She, I mean, for example,

one thing she was doing,

she was wrong footing herself.

I mean, the right
foot, the right hand,

you can't do it.

If you wanna bowl
you have to have

the complete opposite
and that's the way

you bowl a ball around.

- What was your score?

- And then you know
what she was doing?

She wasn't even, I mean
she didn't see no body

in the shot, nobody at all.

And she was standing
there with a limp wrist

like she was watering tulips.

If you wanna get a strike,

you have got to get your
body in a bowling motion.

(audience laughing)

- What was your score?

- I don't know my score,

I didn't add it up.

- 105.

- What?

(audience laughing)

105, what are you kidding me?

Let me see that, 105,
who taught you how to add?

Look at that, there's a
spare in the third right there

and working on the,

almost got a triple there.

And look at that,
(muffled speech),

that's 195 what are
you talking about.

195, now listen, I
could have broken 200

except right in the
middle of my delivery

this incredible
cocktail waitress

comes up with a beer.

- Boy, was she stacked.

- Stacked?

You couldn't even see the beer.

(audience laughing)

Couldn't even see a tray.

(audience laughing)

Broke my concentration.

Blew the shot.

- He threw it in
the wrong alley.

(audience laughing)

- All right.

Dirty shot's never gonna make

wide world of sports.

- No, but that cocktail
waitress might.

(audience laughing)

- Teach you how to add.

- Hi guys!

Hi Barbara, how are you?

Geez, look at you two.

You guys must have grown
two inches since I saw you last.

- Where?

(audience laughing)

- Here.

- Hey, Mr. Kane!

- Schneider, hey how are you?

Geez, you're
looking great buddy.

It's great to see you.

I really missed you,
it's great to see you.

- What were you drinking
doubles on the plane?

- No.

Hey, wait a minute,
it's great to see you.

It's wonderful to see you.

It's wonderful to see you guys.

It's wonderful to be alive.

It's a big, wide,
wonderful world to live in.

- If it gets any better
they're gonna put you

in a rubber room.

(audience laughing)

- Speaking of wonderful,

where is wonderful Ann?

- She hasn't come back
from wonderful work yet.

- David, you are flying.

Something wonderful
must have happened in LA.

- Wonderful, wonderful.

I worked my tail off
but it was worth it.

I didn't even get a
chance to play tennis.

- Aw, what a shame.

They never got to see
them gorgeous legs.

(audience laughing)

Them Ponderosa pines.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, Schneider, ordinarily
you know I'd zing you

right back for that but I am
in such a wonderful mood

that I'm not even
gonna mention that

idiotic mustache,
that stupid tattoo

or those totally
absurd platform shoes.

- Platforms?

- Guys, guys is your mother
gonna be home soon?

I have some great news for her.

- What news?

- Tell us!

- Yeah, tell us.

I never hear anything up here.

(audience laughing)

- Now you guys are
gonna have to wait

until I tell your
mother and Schneider,

I'm afraid you're
gonna have to find out

the way you always do.

Through the keyhole.

(audience laughing)

- When they come
back from California

they're always a little dingy.

(audience laughing)

But it was nice to
see you, Mr. Kane.

I'm glad to see
that you're so happy

and if we can get alone
maybe you can tell me

what it is you've been smoking.


I don't wanna know.

(audience laughing)

- David, what's the big news?

- What happened in California?

- You really wanna know?

- [Both] Yes!

- They've asked
me to be Hollywood's

newest sex symbol.

(audience laughing)

You don't believe me.

Oh, I'm really hurt.

They've already
offered me the centerfold

in next month's Playgirl.

(audience laughing)

- Give, don't leave us hanging!

- Oh no, it's too important.

I wanna surprise your mother.

- David, please David, please!

- We have ways to
make you talk, mein heir.

(audience laughing)

- You'll get nothing out of me

but my name or the
diner's club number.

(audience laughing)

- [Both] David please,
gorgeous, handsome, tall David.

- Very accurate
description but it's

not gonna work guys.

Just stop please,
Julie, Barbara.

I need a drink.

You know I never
been attacked by two

young nubile girls before.

Except on Hollywood
Boulevard and I'm not

sure they were girls.

Have you guys ever
thought of playing for

the Minnesota Vikings?

- David.

- David, if you don't tell us

I'll hold my breath
until I turn blue.

- Well that should
be attractive.

I hear blue is in this year.

- Speaking of in you
are being inconsiderate,

insufferable, inhumane

and a class one nerd.

(audience laughing)

David, you don't
tell I am going to

hide your olives.

- Oh, that's cruel Julie.

- I know, I know.

(audience laughing)

- Don't you even care if I die?

- Excuse me.

- David, aren't
you gonna tell us?

- Oh well, okay.

Really wasn't
all that big a deal.

I was offered a
job as a full partner

with one of the most prestigious
law firms in Los Angeles.

Naturally I accepted.

So I'm gonna marry your mother

and we're all gonna
move to California.

Can I have my olives, please?

(audience laughing)

Didn't you guys
hear what I said?

Where are the jumps for joy?

The happy, hysterical squeals?

- He's gonna propose to mom.

- Again.

- Mom's gonna say no.

- Again.

So tune in tomorrow.

Will Ann say yes
or will the giant ant

carry David off
to the monastery?

(audience laughing)

- Not this time, guys.

I have a whole new
set of arguments.

Isn't anybody gonna
congratulate me

on my new job?

- David, it's terrific news.

We're gonna miss you.

Mom's gonna say no.

- Oh no, hey look,

not if you guys are on my side.

Look, you both know
how much you mean to me.

And you know I'd
never try and take

your father's place
and you know how I feel

about your mother
and everything and the

three of us I think...
- David!

We accept your proposal.

- We'd love to marry you.

- Oh great.

(audience laughing)

Great, great, and
how do you feel

about moving to California?

- You mean on the wild notion

that mom's gonna say yes.

- No, she will say yes.

And you guys are
gonna just love California

so we're all three
united, right?


- Gee, I don't know.

I'm a senior.

I'll miss the prom, graduation.

- And I'm a sophomore.

If Julie's grades
don't get any better

I'd be graduating with her.

(audience laughing)

- Ha ha.

David, we weren't too
happy when we moved

from Logansport to Indianapolis.

But we're used to it now.

There's a lot of
things I really like

about Indianapolis.

- Chuck, Eddie, Peter, Michael.

- Look, squirt!

I see some of your dates
and you're the only girl

I know who goes to a
disaster film with a disaster.

- That's crux.

- Oh stop.

- Guys, guys, the one
thing you don't have

to worry about in
California is boys.

Next to oranges it's
their leading crop.

- You're kidding?

- Oh no, really.

Boys are so plentiful that
when you go to the beach

they give you a doggy
bag to take one home.

(audience laughing)

- You know, I've seen
those California boys

on TV commercials.

Tall, gorgeous blonde surfers.

- I'd die, I don't
know how to surf.

- Oh hey, look, you can ski.

You know, in California
it's the only place

that you can ski and
surf on the same day.

Anything that Indianapolis has,

California has and more.

Schools are great.

Great schools.

And if they have to bus
you they use Ferrari's.

(audience laughing)


Believe me, they have
sunshine all year round.

They have Disney
Land, movie stars,

giant redwoods, taco
stands, tennis courts.

- Earthquakes.

(audience laughing)

- Please, those
are only to shake

the oranges off the trees.

(audience laughing)

Look, look, you guys
are gonna love it out there.

Let me show you something.

This is a picture of
the house I've rented.

Donald O'Conner used
to live right next door.

- Donald who?

(audience laughing)

- It's a mansion, look at that.

- Well practically yes, it's
got an outdoor swimming pool.

An outdoor patio,
outdoor barbecue,

outdoor wet bar.

The only time you have to
go inside is to use the john.

(audience laughing)

- Do you mean we really have our

very own swimming pool?

- Absolutely.

And you will each have
your own bedrooms.

- What?

You mean I don't have
to listen to her snoring?

- And I don't have to
listen to her nasal drip?

♪ California, here we come

♪ Right back where - Shh.

- Hi.

- [Both] Hi.

(audience laughing)

- How's it going?

- [Both] Good.

(audience laughing)


- David.

Aww, David!

(audience laughing)

You just broke a dozen eggs.

- Yeah, well that's okay.

I'll make a giant
omelet for dinner.

(audience laughing)

- I think you'd better make
that a Spanish omelet.

You also crushed three tomatoes.

- Four including you.

- Aww.

(audience laughing)

Aw, David, oh I'm
so glad you're back.

I've missed you so much.

- Oh, good, then it'll
make it much easier.

- Make what easier?

- I'll tell you in a second.

Itsplay to the edroombay.

- Okay, uckli avidday.

(audience laughing)

- What's going on?

- Just wait right here.

Give me a second.

- Yeah?

- Over here.

Sit down, relax.

- David, if you're
planning to seduce me

don't you think you oughta
wait till you're over jet lag?

(audience laughing)


(audience applauding)

I think that's beautiful.

What's going on?


Ah, David, what are you doing?

(audience laughing)

Oh my God, you're
gonna propose to me again.

(audience laughing)

- This is not our
normal weekly proposal.

This is the biggie, Ann.

The whole enchilada.

Our future lives together.

(audience cheering)

Ann Romano, will you marry me?

- David.

- Shh, before you answer me.

Let me wind up
the music box again

I think it's pooping out.

(audience laughing)

Will you marry me?


Come on, this is serious.

- David, I can't
take you serious.

(audience applauding)

- Look, this is Julie's room

and this is Barbara's room

and this is the huge
master bedroom for us.

Perfect for chasing each
other around the room

to make going to bed an event.

(audience laughing)

- David, before we go to
bed do you wanna tell me

why you're talking
about California?

- Because that's where
I just got a great new job

with the firm of Garret,
Cunningham and Webber,

soon to be Garret,
Cunningham, Webber and Kane.

Full partner.

And would you
please say yes quickly

because I have a trick knee

and it's liable to go
out at any moment.

(audience laughing)

- God, you're
moving to California.

- No, we're moving
to California.

- David.

Uh, would I be too
inquisitive if I asked

for a few details?

- Well Ann, you know
the way I've always felt

about my job here.

I mean, it's okay
but it's a dead end.

You know, out
there I'd be able to do

what I really wanna do.

- Terrific, David, really...

- A chance like this may
never come along again.

I mean, a full partner
in one of the most,

one of the most prestigious
law firms in Los Angeles.

Ann, I'd be pleading
landmark cases.

And as you can see,
I'm very good at pleading.

- David, it's all very exciting.

Oh my God.

David, you're really asking
me to marry you again.

You know how I feel...

- Ann, I don't wanna hear it.

(muffled speech)


- I don't wanna get married.

- I'll give you another chance.

- David.

- Ann, I don't seem to
be getting through to you.

The only thing I seem
to have accomplished

is to get my knee
back into joint.

Look, I have to be
out there in two weeks.

- Two weeks, that's 14 days.

- Yes, well generally
two weeks works out

to be about 14 days.

Look, Ann, I know I'm
throwing you a curve

on very short notice but,

but it all happened
very quickly.

- Two weeks?

- 14 days, yes.

(audience laughing)

It isn't much but I have
to be in California by then.

- David, if you're
gonna be in California

that means you're
not gonna be here.

- That's very perceptive.

(audience laughing)

- You're leaving.

- Listen, why don't we
just sit here like two rational

intelligent people and
weigh the pros and cons?


I'm gonna prove to you
that we're right for each other.

We'll do it just like they
do in the Reader's Digest.

We'll use the point system.

(audience laughing)

Now on a scale of one to 10,

what do you think of
me as a human being?

Ann, you're not listening.

- Oh, sorry.

- On a scale of one to 10,

what do you think of
me as a human being?

- As a human, nine.

- Not 10?

- Well, Adam and
Eve rated 10 but since

original sin nobody's
scored higher than nine.

- I'll accept a nine.

(audience laughing)

Now, how many points
do I get as a lover?

- As a lover, hmm.

Let's see, uh, 7.5.

(audience laughing)

- Nine as a human being
and only 7.5 as a lover?

That means as a lover
I'm less than human.

(audience laughing)

- Well I haven't had
much to compare you with.

- Most women rate me a
nine and three quarters.

- Then you've had too much.

- Which is why I rate you a 10.

(audience laughing)

- Really?


(audience laughing)

- I would have
given you an 11 but

you know the Reader's Digest,

it's an old
established magazine.

They hate to change their ways.

- You know I don't
wanna mess around

with the establishment.

- Rolling right along.

As a companion
I'm scintillating,

witty, entertaining
and charming.

Don't even bother answering.

I give myself an automatic 10.


- This is some test.

David, come on, you
don't need to do all of that.

You're the most
wonderful man I know.

- Wait a minute, let
me get that down.

Most wonderful man I know,

that's another 10.

- David, please.

It's silly.

I mean you're 10, 10, 10,

all down the line 10.

Oh David, we've gone through
this so many times before.

You know the problem, it's...

- Yes, you're 35 and I'm 28.

- No, it's not the age
difference, David.

It's me, I'm just beginning
to discover myself

as a human being,
as an individual,

defining who I am...

- Ann, this won't be like
your marriage to Ed was.


I mean, he was the general,
you were the troops, I,

I have no interest
in dominating you.

With me you'll be
completely free.

- Wish I could believe that.

- Believe it.

- Oh David, marriage
changes a person.

- Oh, it wouldn't change me.

You can believe that.

- Oh, how can I believe it?

- Because I said so damn it,

now let's stop talking about it.

(audience laughing)

- Love the way you're
not dominating me.

- Yeah, look Ann, all
I'm really trying to say

is that I don't wanna,

I don't wanna jeopardize
your independence.

I promise.

Look, anything that
I might do that would

diminish you as an
individual would just

be hurting me.

- Oh.


You're not being fair.

I need time to think.

- Ann, look, you
have to think about us

as a couple that has to
get married right away

because of a sudden pregnancy.

(audience laughing)

Well in this case, I'm
the one who's pregnant.

(audience laughing)

And the baby is
due in Los Angeles

in 14 days.

- David, I've already
uprooted the girl's lives once.

I mean, what am I
supposed to say to them.

Come on girls, let's pack.

Gypsies are on the road again.

- Oh well, look.

- Oh David, they like it here.

They've adjusted to it.

They're father is nearby.

- Hey, we can
settle this right now.

Let's ask them, find
out how they really feel.

Julie, Barbara?

We'd like to talk
to you a minute.

- Hmm, you've probably
told them that life out there

is one giant beach party.

- Oh, come on Ann.

You know I wouldn't do that.

I never even
mentioned California.

♪ California, here we come

♪ Right back where we started

- I might have
mentioned Los Angeles.

(audience laughing)

- Girls, have you really
given this any thought?

- Yes.

- Well I mean about moving to...

- [Both] California!

- I mean it's...
- [Both] California!

- Mom, it'd be so fantastic.

Well, out there I might
actually get a chance

to meet Elton John.

Well here he's just a
picture on an album cover.

Out there he's, he's flesh.

(audience laughing)

- I swear, I swear, I never
mentioned Elton John.

- That's right.

He only talked
about those gorgeous

beach boys you can
take home in doggy bags.

(audience laughing)

- Thanks a lot, David.

Uh, look, school.

Senior year, graduation, prom.

Your father.

What about your
best friend, Gloria?

- Oh, I hate her.

(audience laughing)

- Yesterday she
was your best friend.

- Yeah, but last night
she tried to make out

with Roger in his car.

- I thought you
didn't like Roger?

- I love his car.

(audience laughing)

- Ann, I have a
feeling that in time

these girls will get over
these deep relationships.

Look, California will
be great for them.

The weather,
fresh air, sunshine.

- And more lenient pot laws.

(audience laughing)

- I never said a
word about that.

That subject never entered
the conversation on any level.

- It didn't.

Julie told me about it.

- Oh okay, why don't
you put it on the news?

- Okay, witnesses are excused.

Testimony is invalid on
the basis of pretrial publicity

by their attorney.

- Mother?

- He proposed to us, too.

We should get a
chance to listen.

- Out!

- Tell her about
Donald O'Conner and,

and Beach Boys and the pool.

- Out, out!

- Look Ann, I
just, I just wanted

to get the girls on my side.

- You're fighting dirty.

- Well sure I am.

Of course.

Look, I never believe
in letting integrity

stand in the way when
I really want something.

(audience laughing)

That job out there is
everything I ever hoped for.

An ancient Greek once said...

- I'm not Greek, I'm Italian.

- An ancient Italian,
Italian once said,

that happiness is the
exercise of one's vital abilities

in life that affords them scope.

(audience laughing)

Ann, there is a life out
there affording me scope.

- Oh David, I'm
happy for you, really.

But my divorce isn't
two years old yet.

I have a job that's terrific.

I mean, I'm enjoying a
life now that's maybe a...

- Ann, Ann, I know.

I know that if I'm
happy, you'll be happy.

- Oh, I'm glad you found
your life, David, really I am.

- I found our life!

- I don't know.

- You don't know.

Do you love me?

Do you know that much?

- Yes, I love you.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome!

- Well at least we
agree on that point.

And what the hell
are you hesitating for?

- I'm not hesitating.

- Well?

You don't call that hesitating?

- I'm hesitating!

- Ann, you did say
you love me, right?

- Yes, I love you,
damn it, David!

How many times do I
have to tell you that?

- Ann, it is conceivable
that some day

you might marry me, right?

- Oh, I know about someday.

- But it is conceivable someday?

- Oh, that's too far
away to think about.

Anyway, you're
gonna be in California.

- A-ha!

- A-ha, what?

- A-ha, what you're really
saying is that if I weren't

gonna be in California you
might marry me someday.

- I didn't say that.

- But that's what you meant.

Fine, everything
you've said here today

convinces me that
if I weren't gonna be

in California, you'd marry me.

- But you are gonna
be in California.

- But if I weren't
gonna be in California

you'd marry me, right?

- Well.

- Well then I'm not
gonna be in California.

- What?

- I'm not taking the
job, I'll, stay here.

- David, you've
just been telling me

how much this job means to you.

Happiness is the
vitality of life's scope.

- Ann, I said I'm staying here.

There is no life without you.

- Damn you.

- I'll just, I'll
just stay here.

Which means we get married.

Now we can either
get married here

and then move to California.

Or we can get married in
California, after we get there.

Or we could get married
someplace between here

and California like in
Las Vegas, you know,

take in a show afterwards.

Buddy Grecko, Jackie Green.

- [Narrator] Be sure
to watch next week

for the concluding
episode of David's New Job.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] One Day At A
Time was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

(upbeat music)

(dramatic tone)