One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 24 - The Girls Alone - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Ba da da da

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time ba da da da

♪ One day at a time ♪

- Hi.

- Turn blue!

- What's the matter with you?

- Where have you been?

It's almost 10 o'clock.

The library closes at nine,
and it is a five minute walk.



- Sure, if you walk.

Danny gave me a ride home.

- Oh, great, while
I do the hanky,

you do the panky.

(audience laughing)

- Real cute.

- Look, Julie, we have a
deal while Mom's out of town.

I do the dishes and
you do the ironing.

- Well then why are you ironing?

- How did I know when
you were gonna wander in?

You could've been
murdered, then I would've

been stuck without
a shirt for school.

(audience laughing)

- One lousy chromosome
and I coulda had a brother.

Oh, great, you didn't
do the dishes either.

- Of course not,
I did the ironing.

You do the dishes.

- I cooked the dinner.

- I bought the groceries.

- I set the table.

- I fed the cat.

- I cleaned the...
We don't have a cat.

- I ran out of things to say.

- Come on, Barbara, we
promised Mom that while

she was out of town
we would not fight.

So why don't we
both do the dishes?

- All right, we'll cooperate.

- Right, share and share alike.

One for all and all for one.

This was your spoon,
my plate, your cup.

- This was your cup.

- What's the difference?

- I had tea, you had cocoa.

Cocoa's harder to rinse out.

- Picky, picky, picky.

Here, you do the pan.

- No way, you did the cooking!

- Well, you ate
what came out of it.

- And it's a wonder I'm alive!

(audience laughing)

- I am the oldest, and I
order you to do the pan.

- Forget it, sergeant.

I desert, and the president
will grant me amnesty.

(phone ringing)

- Get the phone!

- You get the phone.

- Okay, you do the dishes.

- Thank you, I will.

Hey, wait a second!

- Hello?

Oh hi, Cheryl.

No, tonight, we're not busy.

Hey, Barb, Cheryl's gettin'
up a party over at her house,

Sally and Trish and
some of the guys.

- Tonight, this late?

- Well, yeah, it's a bon
voyage party for her folks.

- I thought her folks left
for Paris this morning.

- They did.

(audience laughing)

- Uh, Julie, it's
a school night.

Now if Mom was here,
she wouldn't let us go.

- You're right.

Cheryl, we'll be right over.

- Julie!

- Well, Barbara, why
should we have to sit around?

Mom's at that convention in
Las Vegas having a great time!

Besides, I positively
never heard her say

that we couldn't go
to a bon voyage party

for Cheryl's parents at
nine o'clock on a Wednesday

night when they were in Paris.

- She never said
we could either.

- Barbara, Mom's
never gonna find out.

Schneider already
did his bed check.

- I'm not going.

- All right, I'll just tell
Cliff Randall hello for you.

- Go ahead, I'm not...

Cliff's gonna be there?

Well, since you are the
oldest, and if you order me

to go, I have to go, right?

- Right, why don't we
get the dishes done.

There shouldn't
be that many left.

- Right.

Well, I did my half.

(audience laughing)

- All right, I'll
just let it soak.

Private Cooper, I
order you to get ready

to go to the party.

- Oui, mon capitan, I
shall follow you anywhere.

I gotta take a shower.

- A shower for Cliff Randall?

Is it that serious?

- Hold it!

Mom hasn't called.

Now how would it sound
if Mom calls and we're

not home on a school night?

- Well, we could tell
her we were asleep

and didn't hear the phone.

- You never didn't hear a
phone in your whole life.

Besides, Mom always calls at 10

when she's on a business trip.

She knows we'll be expecting it.

- So we'll wait.

What time is it now?

- Three minutes after 10.

- Oh, how inconsiderate!

Now, doesn't Mom
know the party is starting?

- Let's hope not.

- Let's get ready to go.

- Okay.

- You know, Barbara, we
could just leave the phone

off the hook for
a couple of hours.

- I wish we had one of
those answering machines.

Hi, this is Barbie Cooper.

Sorry for not
answering your call,

but my lovable sister
and I, after having

a well-balanced meal
and doing our homework,

have gone beddy-bye.

Please leave your
name and number,

and we will return
your call after we

get back from the wild orgy.

Beep.

(audience laughing)

- We're missing all the fun!

Ring!

What time is it now?

- Five after 10.

- We're never gonna
make it to that party!

- You know, this is so dumb!

Mom calls and
says, "How are you?"

We say, "Fine."

"How was school?"

- "Fine."

- "How was your dinner?"

- "Fine."

- "I love you."

- "We love you."

- "Bye."
- "Bye."

- You know, she's really
just checking up on us.

Doesn't she trust us?

This is so insulting.

- Ring, you stupid phone.

- I hope Cliff isn't
dancing with Trish.

I don't know what he
sees in her anyway.

- You've got to be kidding.

- Well, I mean besides
the Grand Tetons.

(audience laughing)

You know, she has a two-word
vocabulary, yes and sure.

- Really?

- You know, have
you ever noticed that

she's physically unbalanced?

- Who hasn't noticed?

- Would you wanna
be built like that?

- No way, all that
weight to carry around.

- Gravity will get
her when she's older.

- Poor Trish.

- Yeah, must be horrible.

By the time I get
to dance with Cliff,

he'll think he's
holding his brother.

- Ring, you stupid phone,
or I'll cut your bell off!

(phone ringing)

Hey, it worked, she called.

- Now we can go to the party.

- Hello, hi, Mom,
we're fine, you're fine,

school was great, dinner
was great, we love you.

Oh, hi, Cheryl.

Well, I thought you were my mom.

She's checking up on us.

We'll be there as
soon as we can.

- The dishes are all put away.

We polished and
dusted the furniture,

and we finished our homework.

- What a wasted night!

- Why doesn't she call?

- How do I know?

- You think she's okay?

- Oh, sure.

- Well, she'll call soon.

It's only,

20 after 11!

I'll never get to
dance with Cliff!

- You've really got it
for that guy, don't ya?

- What's the matter with that?

- Nothing!

Barbara, do you always
have to get so defensive?

I'm glad you found
a guy you like.

- It's just so different
being with Cliff.

We think the same way.

We like the same things.

It's kind of like we were
made for each other.

- Too bad he's
never taken you out.

- Nothing's perfect.

(audience laughing)

What is it with
these guys, anyway?

Cliff and I can be into a
really deep conversation,

then one of these
community chests will come

walking by, and
I'll end up talking

to the back of his head.

(audience laughing)

Do you mind?

- Oh, nothing personal.

- Why do guys always
have to think about sex?

- Well don't you?

- Sure, I'm curious,
but I don't get

the big deal about it.

Everywhere you look, it's
sex, TV, movies, magazines.

I don't get it.

I'm frigid.

(audience laughing)

- Poor, poor, baby.

- It doesn't matter.

I have no intention
of jumping into bed

with every guy
that takes me out.

- Mom's gonna be
delighted to hear that one.

Now, Barbara, you are
going through the same

thing I went through.

No, really!

I remember, I used
to think I was the only

virgin in Indianapolis,
next to Grandma Romano.

(audience laughing)

- It's just kinda scary.

- Well, don't worry, okay, you're
not an endangered species.

Just do what you think is right,

and if the guy doesn't
like it, that's tough.

Eventually, you're gonna
find a guy who thinks

the same way you do.

- Guess I'm just a
little old fashioned.

I just wanna wait
till I'm married

or living with somebody.

(audience laughing)

- You know, Mom
should've called by now!

She always calls on time!

- You think she's okay?

- Oh, Barbara, of course she is.

She's purposely not
calling because of that sixth

sense that all mothers
have when you're

trying to do something wrong.

- Yeah, it's eerie,
maternal radar.

- We're gonna spend
the rest of our lives

with Big Mother watching us.

Hey, Barbara, if she can use
mental telepathy, we can too.

- What do you mean?

- Calling Las Vegas.

Come in Mom, come in.

Put down those
dice and phone us.

Call us, Mom, call us.

- Wouldn't it be
easier if we called her?

- Hey, Barb, wouldn't it be
better if we just called her?

- That's what I just said.

- That's where I heard it.

No, really, I mean,
it'll make her happy.

It'll show her that we
love her and miss her

and worry about her.

- And after we hang
up, we can split.

- Right.

What hotel is she staying at?

- I don't remember.

- Oh, Barb.

- Her boss sent us a
postcard from there.

- Oh, that was just a joke card.

A long row of women sitting
there playing slot machines?

- Oh yeah, the ladies
room at the airport.

- Where did she
put her itinerary?

- I don't know,
she gave it to you.

- She did not.

- Yes, she did.

Don't you remember?

When she dashed out
of here this morning.

At first, she gave
me her itinerary,

and then she gave you
her briefcase and rushed

out of here with her coffee cup.

- That's when she
said the four-letter word.

- Uh uh.

Then she rushed back in
here again, grabbed the itinerary

from me, handed you
her coffee cup and rushed

out of here without
her briefcase.

- Then she said
the four-letter word.

- Uh uh.

Then she rushed back
in here again, gave you

the itinerary, took her briefcase
and crashed into the door.

- That's when she
said the four-letter word!

- Twice.

(audience laughing)

So where did you
put the itinerary?

- Well, I gave it to you.

- No, you didn't, you
put it away someplace!

- Barbara, I never put
anything away in my life!

- Look, Julie, um,
suppose I was dying.

How would you get ahold of her?

- Send her a postcard.

- Okay, let me put it this way,

suppose you were dying...
- It's in the desk.

(audience laughing)

Flight 65, arriving in
Las Vegas at 11:36 a.m.,

area code 702.

- Why didn't we think
of this two hours ago?

I could've been
with Cliff by now.

- Hello, may I speak
to Ms. Romano, please?

Ms. Ann Romano,
she's one of your guests.

Thank you.

Hey, it's a great connection!

Someone just hit a jackpot!

Are you sure?

She should've
checked in this morning.

Barbara, she hasn't
checked in yet.

- Julie, it's almost midnight.

She hasn't checked in yet?

- No.

Well, could you
please check again?

Well, it's Romano, Ann Romano.

R-O-M-A-N-O.

But she's gotta be there!

- Don't they have
Mom's reservations?

- Yes, they do.

Pardon me?

I see.

Well, could you, could
you leave a message

for her to call her daughters?

All right, thank you.

- Aw, Julie, she shoulda
been there hours ago!

- Barb, that's
according to our time.

Now, Las Vegas time
is three hours earlier.

- She still shoulda
been there hours ago!

If she got there at all.

- Barbara, don't say that.

A lotta things
could've happened.

- I know.

- I don't mean
those kind of things.

Now, she changed
planes in Chicago.

Maybe she missed
the connecting flight.

Maybe she got hung
up at the convention.

Maybe Las Vegas got fogged in.

- Maybe the plane crashed.

- Barbara, would you
think positive about this?

Maybe she's having
an affair with the pilot.

(audience laughing)

- Julie, that's no way
to talk about Mom!

- Grow up!

She didn't crochet us, you know.

(audience laughing)

- Julie, I'm scared.

- Oh, sis, it's all right.

Do you ever realize
how much time we waste

worrying when it always
turns out as nothing?

Like that time you
thought you'd get zits

from a public telephone.

(audience laughing)

- I can't help it!

I'm a worrier, and I'm
worried about Mom!

I think I'll fix myself a
banana split with chocolate

topping and whipped cream.

- Ew.

- That's what
happens when I worry.

- Time and junk
food heals all wounds.

Now, Barbara, if there's
one thing I've learned,

it's that worry changes nothing.

Now, Mom is fine.

I refuse to think
negative thoughts about it.

(phone ringing)

The plane crashed!

- Hello?

What?

Oh no!

- Oh, Barbie, what happened?

- Trish left with Pete, and
now Cliff's there all alone!

(audience laughing)

Oh, oh, hi, Cliff.

Well, look, I am
dying to get over there.

Cliff, I have to wait for
my mom to call, okay?

Look, Cliff, I'm not a baby.

It's just that, well, I
have to take care of Julie.

You see, she got drunk
on the cooking sherry, okay?

I'll talk to you later.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara!

- Well, look at you.

Help me make my sundae.

- I'm drunk.

- [Man On TV] Negotiations
for arms limitations

have been temporarily
suspended while the ambassador

from the Soviet Union is
recovering from a broken leg,

suffered when his
excellency stepped on Amy's

roller skate in the Oval Office.

(audience laughing)

- Anything on the news?

- Yeah, the weather
girl is 70% sure

that there's a 90%
probability that there'll

be a 50% chance
of rain tomorrow.

- I mean about Mom!

- Well, Barbara,
what else can we do?

We called the airline,
and they said that she

was on the plane and it
landed on time in Las Vegas.

- Maybe the Mafia got her!

- Right, Ms. Romano, the
godmother from Indianapolis.

- Julie, we've gotta find her.

- How?

Call the police and put
out an APB on our mother?

- Now I know how
she feels when we're

out late and don't call.

- You know, she really
puts up with a lot from us,

always shouting at
each other, complaining,

spending money, goofing off.

You know, she was in
a big hurry this morning,

and we didn't even
help her fix breakfast.

- I thought you fixed breakfast.

- No, Mom did.

I remember, she stuck
her thumb in my eggs.

Oh, that's awful, my last
memory of my mother is her thumb!

(audience laughing)

- I thought you weren't worried!

- All right, I'm worried.

- Oh, Julie, Mom may be dead!

- Barbara, don't
say that, she's not.

We would've heard
something by now.

- I guess Mom just means
more to me than she does to you.

- Where'd you get that?

You're the one who's sitting
there gobbling ice cream!

That's irreverent.

- Oh, and celery is more
reverent than ice cream?

- Ice cream is self-indulgent.

Celery's healthful.

Celery is also noisy.

Ice cream is quiet.

You can eat ice cream in church.

Are you trying to tell me
that church is irreverent?

(audience laughing)

- I think we've both gone mad.

- I wonder what
it's like to be dead.

(audience laughing)

- I don't know.

I mean, I think your
soul goes to heaven.

- Yeah, but what
about your body?

It just lays there in that box.

Ooh, that's so creepy.

I think I'm gonna be cremated.

- Right, we'll sprinkle your
ashes over Cliff Randall.

(audience laughing)

- You're gross.

- You know, I always
kinda thought I'd

leave my eyes to science.

(audience laughing)

- You want somebody else
walking around with your eyes?

- Sure, why not help somebody?

I wonder who'd be seeing
through them, them or me?

(audience laughing)

- I don't wanna talk
about this anymore.

Julie, just suppose
something did happen to Mom.

What would we do?

- Well, I guess we'd
go live with Daddy.

- Would you want to?

- I don't know.

It wouldn't be
like it used to be.

- No, not with his
new wife there.

I'd feel like I was in the way.

I think I resent her.

I don't want her
being part of my life.

- Now, Barbara, that's not fair.

Vickie's nice enough.

- I don't care, it's how I feel!

I want to remember
Dad the way it was

when all of us were together.

- Yeah, he's so
much happier now.

(audience laughing)

- I wonder if he really is.

(audience groans)

- Think of it as
healthful self-indulgence.

(audience laughing)

You know, if Mom were gone,
I don't think I could live here.

There's too many memories.

- Aw, Julie.

We shouldn't be
thinking like this!

Hey, we could get
our own apartment!

- Yeah.

You know, we could get rid
of all that old bedroom stuff.

- Yeah, like that old chest.

You can still see Donald
Duck through the paint.

- Oh, Barb, we couldn't
afford all new stuff,

but I would like
to keep this sofa.

- Yeah, it's kinda nice.

- But this table and that
barfy lamp have got to go.

- Yeah, Mom didn't
always have the best taste.

Didn't.

Oh, Mom, I'm sorry!

Why am I looking up?

- It's better than down.

Maybe we oughta
phone the hotel again.

- No, no, no, no, long distance?

We better start
watching our money.

Well, maybe we should call
person-to-person just in case.

- Talk about gross.

- Me, you're the one
who's grabbing everything.

Did you ask me if
I wanted the sofa?

- Well, take it,
Barbara, take it.

Take the TV.

Take the toaster!

What are you gonna do with them?

Nothing.

I'm the the one
that's gonna get stuck

taking care of you.

The older sister
always has to sacrifice.

(audience laughing)

- Don't give me that martyr bit.

I can take care of myself.

- You sure are in for
a rude awakening, kid.

You think the whole
world is gonna roll

over at your feet
just because you're

everybody's little darling!

- What are you talking about?

- Take the mirror,
too, it's your

favorite piece of furniture!

- All right, Julie.

What do you mean,
everybody's little darling?

- You always got
all the attention.

I remember when you were born.

- How could you?

You were 17 months old.

- Well, I remember I hated you.

Ow, isn't she cute, the
cuddly little butterball baby.

- I can't help it if you
were over the hill.

(audience laughing)

- You think it's
really funny, don't ya,

living with everybody's
little darling!

Well, Grandpa Romano
never introduced me

as his little garbanzo bean!

(audience laughing)

- Oh, well, I'll get my violin.

- Barbara, I spend my
whole life working twice

as hard to get
half the attention.

- Half of it, you get all of it

with your screaming
and your tantrums!

- I do not scream
to get attention!

- No, you just scream.

I heard you two months
before I was born!

(audience laughing)

Why do you think I was late?

I was scared to come out!

- How could I even
begin to expect you

to understand,
daddy's little baby.

- Ah, Julie!

Julie, look, I'm sorry.

- Get away!

- Julie, I never knew
you felt this way.

- Well, neither did I!

- Look, we're just taking
it out on each other

because we're worried about Mom.

Want to hear my side?

- No.

- I can't believe
you're jealous of me,

'cause I've always
been jealous of you.

- Sure.

- Julie, would you listen to me!

You always got along with
people much better than I do.

You know how to handle
yourself in front of them.

You have a lot
more friends than me.

A lot more personality too.

- I know.

(audience laughing)

Oh, well, I guess
I gotta keep up

with my baby sister somehow.

- You always know
how to handle things a lot

better than I.

You stick up for yourself.

When somebody hassles
you, you fight back.

I was never any good at that.

I'm still not.

See, I've always looked
to you to take care of me.

- Well, you're so
helpless, I guess you need

a lot of taking care of.

- I guess so.

- You know something,
kid, I've just decided

that you're kinda
human after all.

- Gee, thanks.

- I've also just decided
that I really do love you.

- Aw, Julie, I love you too.

- Hey, we make a
great team, you know.

- We sure do.

Oh, remember when we
always used to go downtown

in Logansport, I would
stand at a bus stop,

you would make me smell
an onion so I could cry...

- Right, and some little
old lady would always

come long and give
you money for bus fare.

- And then we'd
spend it all on candy.

- Right. (laughing)

(phone ringing)

That's gotta be Mom.

Hello, Mom?

- Hi, darling.

- Mom, are you okay?

- Uh, it has been an insane day.

- Mother, it is after midnight!

We've been worried
to death about you!

- Well, Julie, I'm sorry.

I tell you, it's incredible.

I didn't have a chance
to check in before now.

I mean, I tried
to call you at 10,

but your line was busy.

Then they shoved this
rack of lamb in front of me

and told me it was
time for my presentation.

Hey, I was fantastic.

- Mom, we thought you were dead!

- Oh, baby, I tried
to call you again,

but with this crazy
convention in town,

every phone is being hogged.

- Every phone in Las Vegas?

- Well, I couldn't find one.

I was just about to
check into my room

and run up there and
call you from there

when the president of
Scotts Sporting Goods

proposed a toast, and get
this, he fell right into my lap.

- She's drunk.

(audience laughing)

- No!

No, I'm not drunk!

Really, I just got to my room.

I've been trying to
call you for hours.

- That's a crock.

- Mom, you make more
excuses than we do!

- The bottom line
is you didn't call.

We thought your
plane had crashed,

that you'd been injured!

- We missed the party!

(audience laughing)

- Party, what party?

- Uh, Mom, we've
got a bad connection.

- Yeah, Mom, we forgive you.

- We have done the same thing.

- Uh yeah, listen, we've
gotta get our rest now,

so we'll talk to you later.

- Bye, Mom, we love you.

Barbara Jean Cooper!

- Yeah, I know.

How can anybody so adorable
have such a big mouth?

- Right.

Why don't we just
go to bed, okay?

The important thing
is that Mom called.

- And the party's over.

- And Cliff probably
left with somebody else.

- You didn't have to say that.

Ah, look, you gotta clean
out the dish and the spoon.

- It's not my day
to do the dishes!

- Yes, it is.

Wednesday is my day,
Thursday is your day.

It's after midnight.

- But they got dirty
on Wednesday!

- That doesn't
make a difference.

It's still Thursday.

- Barbara!
- You've gotta wash

the dish, whether
you like it or not.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

- [Ann] One Day at a
Time was recorded live

on tape before a
studio audience.

(fanfare music)