One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 15 - The New Car - full transcript

Ann refuses to let her ex-husband spoil their daughters with giving them a car.

(fun lighthearted music)

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get,

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So, while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what
you do, hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle
through one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ So, up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you (mumbles)

♪ Just take it like
(mumbles) one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- I wonder what's
taking Schneider so long.

- I still don't know why I
had to road test the car.

Getting a great
bargain for $395.

- Yeah, but it's just that
we don't know that much

about cars, Bob, we wanna
make sure it'd dependable.

- Dependable, it's got
over 200,000 miles on it.

(audience laughing)

How much more
dependable can a car get?

And I'm only the second owner.

- It's got over
200,000 miles on it?

- Well, it's first 196,000
miles it was a taxi.

(audience laughing)

- We know it's a good
set of wheels, Bob,

we just wanna double check.

$395 is the only money
Barbara and I have

in the whole world.

(audience applauding)

- How does it drive, is it okay?

- Can we close the deal?

- Easy, easy, easy.

All right, now I have
subjected said vehicle

to the grueling
Schneider road test.

And may I say I have
(mumbles) as few cars

have ever been (mumbles).

(audience laughing)

I'm ready to give you
my subjective report.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, come on.

- Keep taking the bus.

(audience laughing)

In the first place, the
front two tires are bald.

- Not that bad.

- They're not, huh?

I've got a flat driving
over a tangerine.

(audience laughing)

It took me 10 minutes
to pull out all the pits.

- That's a long pit stop.

(audience laughing)

Well, there's a good spare.

- You call that spare good?

That spare makes Cojack
look absolutely hairy.

(audience laughing)

Now, you girls
cannot buy that car

until you get two good tires.

- Two?

- Okay, I'll drop the
price down to 350.

- And in case you're
wondering why that windshield

always looks so clean, it's
mostly because there ain't one.

(audience laughing)

That's why I wore my goggles.

- I never noticed there
wasn't a windshield.

- Neither did the kid
in the gas station when

he squirted me in the eye.

(audience laughing)

- Does 280 sound
like a fair price?

- Yes, I think I can get
it towed away for that.

- 250?

- 250!
- 250, that's perfect.

- Girls, please, I am not
even letting you in that car

until everything is fixed.

- 225 and I positively
won't go any lower.

- There's just one catch, Bob.

- 200?

- Before we buy the car,
we've gotta clear it with mom.

- Hi.

Clear what with mom?

- Oh, mom, this is Bob.

- Hi, Bob, you're cleared.

(audience laughing)

- Mom, listen,
there's something...

- Wait a minute, Julie.

Hey, Snoopy.

(audience laughing)

Would you call the Highway
Department for me, please?

Somebody abandoned an
old wreck in front of the building.

(audience laughing)
- 190?

- Mom, I gotta talk to you
about something, okay?

- Yeah, shoot.

- Okay, but you've gotta
promise to let me finish.

- I promise to let you finish.

- Okay, you know
that old wreck...

The car in front
of the building?

Barb and I are gonna buy it.

- You're finished.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, mom, Schneider
checked it out from top to bottom.

- Believe me, I've
checked a lot of bottoms.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, you're not helping.

- Please!

- On the other hand, there
is nothing that I can't fix.

I happen to have a
superb mechanical aptitude.

- Right, Schneider can
fix cars like he can fix...

- Garbage disposals.

- Yeah!

- That car out there
has all ready gone

through a garbage disposal.

(audience laughing)
- Girls, girls...

- Mom!

- Ms. Romano, in the
army during the hell

and the horror of war games,
it was my duty to repair tanks.

Matter of fact, I
received a battlefield

commendation for changing
carburetors under simulated fire.

Now, I guarantee you
that I can absolutely bring

that car up to shape,

and I won't charge
you for the labor.

- Well, I really appreciate
your kindness, Schneider,

I do, but that car out there
would need a faith healer.

Sorry, Bob, no sale.

- Okay, sorry, it's your loss.

Oh, Mr. Schneider?

- Yes, my son.

(audience laughing)

- Can you give me a
little push to get it started?

(audience laughing)

- Sure, I'll give you a hand.

It might help if
you had a bumper.

(audience laughing)

- 150?

- Mom!

- Hey, kid, come here.

Now look, that car of yours
has had a long, full life.

But I think the time has
come to take it to an empty field

and put a bullet
through its radiator.

(audience laughing)

- 75, Mr. Schneider?

- Get out, get out of the house.

- Mom, we're not asking
you to buy it for us.

- You know we have our
own money and we want it.

- Here, take this.

How come you didn't
discuss this with me first?

- Is it too late to discuss
it now, we'll discuss it.

- Oh, honey, it's never
too late to discuss things.

You can't have the car.

Is there anything else
you wanna discuss?

- Sure, why don't we
discuss how democracy died

late one Saturday
afternoon in Indianapolis.

(audience laughing)
- I have very good reasons.

- I bet we won't
get to vote on them.

- Hey, look, maybe I
was a little abrupt, okay.

But I just paid a car
repair bill that belongs

in the Guinness Book
of World Records,

and after shopping
at the supermarket,

I'm thinking of starvation
as a viable alternative.

- Mom, we wanna
use our own savings.

We know you can't
afford to buy a car for us

so we're gonna
pay for it ourselves.

- Right, and it won't
cost you a cent.

- Look, you still
cannot afford it.

I mean, have you thought
about the undesirable

side effects of owning a car?

Like insurance, maintenance.

Would you like to look
at the bill I just paid?

- What about the good
side of owning a car?

Like we could...

- Like, how you could
run errands for me.

- Yeah...

- And how I wouldn't have to
keep toting you here and there.

And how driving back
and forth to school

would leave you more
time to do your homework.

- You know, that's eerie.

- No, see, that's the same
thing I pulled on my folks

when I wanted a car at 16.

They didn't buy it either.

(audience laughing)

- Mom, all of our
friends have cars.

- Well, honey, I'm
really glad about that

and that solves your
transportation problems.

- Mom! (sighing)

(audience laughing)

- Come on, why don't you
just be a little practical, huh?

Just keep on saving
your money until

you can afford a decent car.

- We'll be as old
as you by then.

(audience laughing)

- Well, you'll be older anyhow,

and that wouldn't
be such a bad thing.

- Mom, I would like
to thank you for your

understanding and concern.

When you show some, I will, too.

(bell ringing)

- Shall I get that?

Or shall I get that?

(light humming)

laughing) I'll get that.

♪ Aloha, aloha - Hi!

- Hi, honey.

Oh, good to see you.

First, wait a minute now, here.

Aloha to you and aloha to you.

- Aloha!

- And Hawaii was paradise,
the water, the sea, the food.

You know, Vicki and
I almost turned native.

You and the girls have
got to go there sometime.

- Oh, mom, can we, please?

- Oh, I think that's
a really good idea.

I'm gonna put that
on my things to do list

right after get a
new vacuum cleaner.

(audience laughing)

- When did you get back, Daddy?

- Oh, not back yet.

When we get off the
plane, I told Vicki to drive

back to Logisburg without me.

That's how impatient
I was to see my girls.

- Oh, daddy.

What's in the bag?

- Loot.

The little bag is yours.

Anne. you should've
seen me on that surfboard.

(mumbles) a sunset beach.

I wiped out in all
the best places.

(audience laughing)

I'd really like the girls
to learn how to surf.

- Well, that might be a
difficult here in Indianapolis.

- Oh, daddy, a new watch.

It's beautiful, thank you!

Look, mom, isn't that gorgeous.

- Well, that really
is beautiful, Ed.

- Yeah, well, you know
Vicki, she has perfect taste.

She picked it out.

- Well, she did very well.

It could've been a lot gaudier.

(audience laughing)

- And Vicki picked out the
most beautiful (mumbles)

salad bowl just for you,
but in the rush of packing,

she forgot it.

(light snapping)
- Darn.

(audience laughing)

- Daddy, oh, it's gorg...

- You go put that on, we've
got a dinner day tonight, kid.

- Daddy, it's gorgeous.

It's beautiful, it's too small!

(audience laughing)

- Can't be the wrong
size, (mumbles).

Here, Barbara, size five.

- She hasn't been a
size five for over a year.

- Anne, don't you think
I should've been told

that my daughter's a
different dress size?

- Well, I didn't think that
warranted a press release.

I think that Barbara's
going up a dress size

is about on a par with Julie's
wisdom teeth coming in.

- Her wisdom teeth
came in without me?

(audience laughing)

- Only two came in, I'll keep
you posted on the other two.

- Oh, hey, I know
this sounds dumb but

all these little
signs of growing up,

well, they just seem
so important when I'm

not around to see them.

I feel left out.

- Well, dad, I've started
going out with seniors.

- Yeah, my rejects.

(audience laughing)

- Julie, you didn't
notice the inscription

on the back of your watch.

- An inscription?

- Yup.
- Let me see.

Break a leg?

- Hey, I didn't forget
that my girl starring

in a school production of
Sound of Music next week.

- Daddy, there's something...

- Break a leg, that's
theater talk for good luck.

- Yeah, dad, but
what happened is...

- Do you think it's bad
luck because I didn't

wait to give it to you
on opening night?

- Ed, the show
was two weeks ago.

- Oh.

- Oh, and it was
totally boring, daddy.

Julie was so rotten,
weren't you, Julie?

- What do you mean I was...

I was really rotten, daddy,
you didn't miss a thing.

- Oh, just my little
girl in a senior play.

Looks like I've got a lot of
catching up to do with my girls

and we start next weekend.

Anyplace you wanna
go, Chicago, Crystal Lake,

you name it, I'll make
all the arrangements.

Now, let's see, now
next Saturday is...

Damn, I've gotta take Vicki's
parents to Vegas next week.

- Oh, daddy.
- Dad.

- Look, the following
weekend is wide open.

- We can't do that, dad.

Our ski club is going up to
Bear Lodge that weekend.

- You can cancel that,
I can take you skiing.

- They can't do that, Ed.

- Of course they can.

- Dad, we can't
cancel the ski trip.

I'm President and
Barbara's Vice President.

- And there's only two
other members in the club.

(audience laughing)

- (mumbles) this
weekend, don't we?

- I'm afraid not, I can
only stay a few hours.

I've gotta drive back
to Logan's Port tonight.

We're having brunch with
the Graveson's tomorrow.

- Thanks a lot, dad.

God, I saw a lot more of
Glen Campbell at the state fair

and I wasn't even trying.

- Julie!

- Ah, dad, you know Julie,
she always leaves in a snit.

I mean, you'd think
this is the first time

you've canceled out on us.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, boy, they're
really down on me.

- Well, if it's any
consolation, Ed,

they're even madder at me.

- What about?

- Oh, they wanted to
buy an old wreck for $175.

- A car?

- Well, you might call it that.

I'd call it movable
urban blight.

(audience laughing)

- I hope you stopped them.

- I stopped them, all right,

but it's hard to get
through to them.

God, it's hard to tell them
that no car that cheap

could be safe.

- You did the right thing, Anne.

- Yeah, I know I did.

- Are we going out
to dinner or what?

- Yes, but first we've gotta
get something squared away.

Your mother told me about
that old car you wanted to buy.

- Dad, don't you think
we should be able

to spend our money
on a car if we want to?

- No, you don't.

Not if it doesn't
make good sense.

Your mother was absolutely
right in forbidding it.

You'll be having a
breakdown in a week,

your mother'd always be
worried about you getting

home safely, and so would I.

No, there's only
one sensible solution.

- I know, keep taking the bus.

- No, actually I was thinking
of buying you a new car.

- Dad, who wants to ride a
bus to school everyday, I mean...

A new car!


(screaming) (audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Wow, five minutes ago
life was totally gloomy,

so dark, so grim.

- So yuck!

But daddy changed it all.

- Oh, dad, a new car.

- Uh, sunshine boy, could I
talk to you a minute please?

(audience laughing)

- Schneider has a lot
of copies of Motor Trend.

Maybe we can
pick out the new car.

I like the new Porsche's.

- Oh, Barb, they don't have
the class of a Ferrari though.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, you get a
Ferrari, I get a Porsche.

- Okay, good deal.

- Hey, you keep thinking
that big and you'll wind up

shopping for skateboards.

- Okay, we'll think cheaper.

- A Rolls Royce?

- A small one?

(audience laughing)

- You had no right to do that.

I just had a very trying
time with those two

telling them that
they couldn't get a car

until they could afford to
buy themselves a decent one,

and then you wipe
me out in two seconds.

- Oh, what's the matter with
my buying them a new car?

With the warranties
you get today,

they won't even have
to worry about repairs.

- Ed, have you ever
noticed how the warranty

always seems to run
out right before the car

needs those repairs?

(audience laughing)

And what about
insurance, gasoline, and oil?

The price of gasoline
today's going up faster

than the price of
postage stamps.

- I'll give them a credit card.

(audience groaning)

- I see this is going to
be a very long session.

Why don't you pull out one of
your money bags and sit down?

(audience laughing)

- Hey, look, I'm not
rich but I am concerned

about doing
something for my kids.

- Well, I'm concerned about
what you're doing to them,

you're spoiling them.

- Have you ever
thought about what a help

a car would be to
them and to you?

They could do errands
for you, do the shopping,

you wouldn't have to cart
them around town all the time.

They could...
(audience laughing)

- Yeah, the time they
could save driving back

and forth they could
have for homework.

- Right, I never
thought of that.

- Yeah, then you're
the only one who didn't!

And since when does
the happy wanderer have

the last word around here?

- Anne, I'm their father,
you're their mother.

We have different functions.

- Yeah, I realized that
when I was pregnant.

(audience laughing)

- Just a minute, just a minute,

before you start on
anything else, hear me out.

Then you can
have your little say.

(audience laughing)

First of all, as their father,

I think I know
what's best for them.

Second, suppose
they come to me first

and then you had said no.

That meant you would've
been overriding me,

not that you could've, of
course, but just suppose.

And third, a car these days
is not a luxury to teenagers,

it's a necessity.

- I don't buy it.

- What part?

- Starting with
just a minute and

ending with it's a necessity.

(audience laughing)

- I mean, I came to spend
some time with my kids.

God knows I have
little enough of that.

- Whose fault is that?

- There are demands of
my time, many of them.

I work, you know.

- Oh, Ed, I don't think
you should think of trips

to Hawaii and Vegas, and
brunch with other fun couples

as work, I want you
to think of them as fun.

(audience laughing)

- So, that's it, a little jealousy
creeping in there, huh?

You're interfering
with me and the girls

just to get back at me.

- That is ridiculous.

I don't care if you
take Vicki to Hawaii,

or Vegas, or San Francisco, or...
- Rome.

- Rome.

Rome, our Rome.

- What do you mean our Rome?

I never took you to Rome.

- Damn right you didn't.

- Yeah, so? (audience laughing)

- Ed, you knew how
much I wanted to go there.

We talked about it all the time,

and instead, you take her.

That is in rotten taste, Ed!

(audience laughing)

- I never took you to Rome
because we never had

the money in those days.

You never knew
how to spend a penny!

- I didn't save a penny
because you wouldn't let

me handle the money.

- I wouldn't let you
handle the money

because you didn't
know how to save it.

- Oh, stop treating
me like a nitwit.

If you haven't noticed,
I have been working

for the last two years and
handling my own money.

Now, what have
you got to say to that?

- How much have you saved?

- And another thing.

(audience laughing)

How come you had Vicki pick
out a watch for my daughter?

- She's my daughter, too!

- Agreed, but she's
not her daughter.

- You're up to your
old tricks, Anne.

Whenever you're in
an untenable position,

you change the subject.

- I am not changing the subject,

and my position is as
tenable as yours, tenabler!

(audience laughing)

- Let's stay on the main
track, if you don't mind!

Let's stop digressing,
as you always do

when you're losing an argument.

- I never lose an
argument with you.

I just never win one,
there's a difference.

(audience laughing)
- You're digressing again!

Now, let's get back to
square one, all right?

- All right!

- All right, now...
(audience laughing)

What was the original argument?

Oh, yeah, yeah, how
you handle money.

- I think we were
talking about Rome.

(audience laughing)

- Right, Rome.

Look, let me tell
you something, Anne.

I am not apologizing
for taking Vicky to Rome,

or to Hawaii, or any
place else for that matter.

Somehow, life is different
with her, she's full of fun,

always on the go.

You were always, always...
- Raising kids.

- The car, that's what
the argument was about.

(audience laughing)

We've settled that.

- Sure, like the
Middle East is settled.

- Anne, all I'm going to
get them is a little compact.

- With stereo, air
conditioning, power breaks,

power windows.

- All right, I won't get
them the power windows.


- Ed, you are going to
make Julie and Barbara

roll up those windows with
their own delicate little hands!

(light ticking)

- Let's table the sarcasm, okay.

I've made my
decision and it's final.

- What a small world, so have I.

- You are not gonna
stop me from being a

dutiful father to my daughters.

- Oh, that's terrific!

That's dutiful beautiful, I
mean that's beautiful dutiful!

- If you're gonna
start babbling.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Ed, I am mad.

Oh, all of a sudden
you're putting on these airs

of being a concerned parent.

Oh, sure, where are
you when they're sick?

Where are you when
they're in trouble in school?

Where were you
when Julie ran away?

I'll tell you where
you weren't, here!

- My turn?

(audience laughing)

- Be my guest.

- Okay, I'm not around
at crisis time, granted.

But I'm also not around when
they come home with an award

from school, or when
they're gonna get dressed up,

all dressed up in
their first formal gowns,

or when they wanna
talk about Mr. Wonderful

they just met today.

You get all that, I
get the leftovers.

And that decision,
my friend, was yours.

- Touche.

- Oh, you've never been
a vindictive woman, Anne.

Why are you so dead set
against my showing them any love?

- All the love money can buy.

- I'm only trying to be a
father to my daughters.

- You're not being a father,
you're being a Santa Clause.

- Ha ha ha, or should
I say ho, ho, ho.

- Unpleasant facts
aren't easy to face.

- True, and the unpleasant
fact is that I've got

an ex wife with an ego trip.

I mean, she's gonna
deprive her kids of a new car

just to prove that
she's head honcho now.

- Oh, Ed, I swear
that isn't true!

Ed, would you be so
willing to get those girls

a new car if we
were still married?

- Oh, probably not.

- Look, I never objected
when you got them watches,

tape recorders,
clothes by the ton.

You've given them almost
everything they've ever wanted.

- What do you mean almost?

- They want you, Ed.

Your time, your
concern, your attention.

- Well, those things happen
to be in short supply right now

so I try to make
amends with things.

- So, you get them a car
because you feel guilty.

- Okay, I plead
guilty to feeling guilty.

If I can't give them my time,

at least I can give
them everything else.

- Except strength
and self reliance.

Oh, Ed, you're
gonna make them as

dependent on you as I was.

- You didn't complain,
now it's their turn at bat!

- All those years of being
pampered didn't do me any good.

I mean, I'm often scared,
I'm always insecure.

Do you want them
to be the same way?

- Okay, you win.

No new car.

- Well, forgive me if I
don't gloat over my victory.

Those girls are
gonna feel pretty rotten

and I don't know how
I'm gonna tell them.

- You're not, I am.

- What?

- Anne, look, I know how
unfair this setup has been to you.

I mean, you have to
do all the dirty work.

You have to be the mean
old lady, always has to say no.

Well, it's time I carried
my part of the burden.

This no is on me.

- Okay.

- We know what we want!

- And brace yourself,
it only costs 4,700.

(audience laughing)

- But, if we get rid of all
the extras, it comes to 3,900.

- We can always
sell the spare tire.

- Hold on, girls, hold on.

I've got some news for you.

There's not going to be a car.

Maybe when you get
out of college, but not now.

- Look, whatever...

- No Anne, I want
you to stay out of this.

Now, it's time that
these girls learn,

well, they've gotta
learn to take no for

an answer sometimes.

They've gotta learn
that I'm their father,

not Santa Clause.

(audience laughing)

It's about time that they wise
up to the fact that sometimes

things don't turn out the
way you want them to.

- Daddy, what happened?

I mean, one minute you
promise us a car and the...

- Then the next
minute you take it away!

- I changed my mind.

It's time I put my foot down.

- Ah, girls, look, the
truth of the matter is

your father and I discussed
it and there were just

a few things that
he'd overlooked.

- Brain washer.

(audience laughing)

- You dominated dad!

- I did?

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Now, wait a minute,
it wasn't quite that way.

I mean, your mother
made a decision

and I decided to abide by it.

- You never abided by
mom's decisions before.

You sure picked
a fine time to start.

- Better late than never.

It seems that your
mother makes some pretty

good decisions once in a
while, much to my surprise.

- Ah, thank you, Ed.

- Hey, look, I know
how disappointed,

how terribly
disappointed you are.

But believe it or not,
someday you'll get over it.

- About 10 years.

- Make it 20.

- Look, hey, we have
a dinner date tonight.

Some good food
and a fine restaurant,

that will help to ease the pain.

- Daddy, I don't
wanna go to dinner.

- Why don't I fix dinner here?

- No, Anne, I don't want
you to bother, please.

- Oh, no, Ed
really, it's no bother.

Julie, why don't you
run on down to Mario's,

pick up a pizza.

- I would if I had a car.

(audience laughing)

- Use mine.

- Here, wait a minute, hold it.

Keep the change.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(lighthearted fun music)

- [Woman] One Day at a
Time was recorded live on tape

for a studio audience.

(lighthearted fun music)