One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 1, Episode 9 - Fighting City Hall - full transcript
An excessive phone bill has Ann writing everyone from city hall to the President and the Secret Service shows up at her door.
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪
♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BE SURE AT ALL ♪
♪ SO WHILE YOU'RE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪
♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪
♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪
♪ SOMEWHERE THERE'S
MUSIC PLAYING ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ♪
♪ WE'LL JUST TAKE
IT LIKE IT COMES ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
YOU ARE TAKING THIS MUCH
TOO SERIOUSLY, MRS. ROMANO.
EVENTUALLY, THE COMPUTER
WILL DISCOVER ITS OWN ERROR
AND WE WILL MAKE A FULL REFUND.
SO WHY DON'T YOU
SIMPLY PAY YOUR BILL NOW,
AND ENJOY THE ANTICIPATION
OF A POSSIBLE REFUND?
MR. FARADAY, I CANNOT PAY
A $4,221 PHONE BILL.
WE AT TRI-STATE PHONE
UNDERSTAND THAT COMPLETELY.
AND IF IT'S SYMPATHY YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR, YOU CERTAINLY HAVE MINE.
NO, I'M NOT LOOKING
FOR SYMPATHY.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR IS
SOMEBODY TO STOP THEM
FROM TURNING OFF MY PHONE.
I CAN EMPATHIZE WITH THAT, TOO.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
I SAY TO OUR CRITICS,
"THE VALUE OF OUR
SERVICE MAY BEST BE JUDGED
BY THE DESPERATION OF THE
PEOPLE WHO ARE DEPRIVED OF IT."
UH, LOOK.
5 DAYS AGO, I WAS SERVED NOTICE
THAT IF I DID NOT PAY THIS BILL,
MY PHONE WOULD
BE CUT OFF IN 5 DAYS.
IT HAS TAKEN ME 5
DAYS TO GET TO SEE YOU.
WELL, I WISH YOU'D
PAID THIS BILL FIRST.
I HATE THIS PRESSURE.
OH, THAT PHONE! I'D LIKE
TO YANK IT OUT BY ITS ROOTS.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO, FARADAY HERE.
OH, LOOK, MA'AM... LOOK, MADAME,
YES, MADAME, THE PHONE COMPANY ALWAYS
CHARGES FOR INSTALLING A NEW PHONE.
YES, I KNOW THE INSTRUMENT
WAS ALREADY THERE.
YES, I REALIZE A MAN HERE DOES JUST
PUSH A BUTTON TO TURN THE PHONE ON.
BUT...
WELL, IF YOU GOT $17.50 FOR PUSHING
A BUTTON, YOU WOULDN'T KNOCK IT.
THE PUBLIC ARE ANIMALS.
MY PHONE IS GOING TO
BE CUT OFF ANY SECOND.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
LIVE WITH 2 TEENAGERS AND NO PHONE?
TSK. NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.
I LIVE WITH MY MOTHER.
THAT WOMAN, THAT DEAR WOMAN
STAYS ON THE PHONE ALL DAY LONG.
BETWEEN THE TELEPHONE
AND THE TELEVISION...
AH! WHY CAN'T YOU
JUST ACKNOWLEDGE
THAT THE COMPUTER MADE A MISTAKE
AND CHARGE ME MY NORMAL BILL?
$15 A MONTH.
WE DON'T KNOW THE COMPUTER
HAS MADE A MISTAKE NOW, DO WE?
NOT MADE A MISTAKE?
MR. FARADAY,
HOW COULD I POSSIBLY SPEND
$4,000 A MONTH ON PHONE CALLS?
WELL, WE JUST
PROVIDE THE SERVICE.
HOW YOU USE IT IS YOUR PROVINCE.
YOU KNOW, WE HAD AN
INTERESTING CASE A WHILE BACK.
THERE WAS THIS WOMAN.
SHE LED A CIRCUMSPECT
LIFE FOR 40 YEARS.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN
STARTED ACCEPTING
OBSCENE PHONE CALLS
FROM PARIS.
COLLECT.
ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT
YOUR COMPUTER CAN'T MAKE A MISTAKE?
WELL, OF COURSE IT CAN. COMPUTERS
ARE ONLY HUMAN, YOU KNOW.
A-AND I AM, TOO.
AND I REFUSE TO BE
THE VICTIM OF A COMPANY
THAT JUST DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN.
OH, I... I DON'T, I
DON'T LIKE PROFANITY.
OK, LOOK, THIS IS THE PICTURE.
UH, YOUR COMPUTER
MADE A MISTAKE,
AND UNLESS I PAY, UH, THIS BILL,
YOU'RE GOING TO
CUT OFF MY PHONE.
I... I... I DON'T KNOW
WHAT MORE TO DO.
I, UH... I WROTE THE NEWSPAPERS,
THE PUBLIC SERVICE COMMISSION,
THE CONSUMER AFFAIRS
BUREAU, RALPH NADER,
TRI-STATE TELEPHONE,
THE PRESIDENT OF THE...
YES, I AM WELL AWARE
OF YOUR HOSTILITY.
WE HAVE YOUR FILE RIGHT HERE.
OH, YOU HAVE BEEN A BUSY BEE.
IF YOU DON'T MIND MY
SAYING SO, MRS. ROMANO.
MS.
MS. ROMANO.
I THINK THIS LETTER
WENT A BIT TOO FAR.
"IN CONCLUSION, MR. PRESIDENT,
"A DAY OF RECKONING
IS NOT FAR OFF.
"BIG CORPORATIONS
AND BIG GOVERNMENT
"CAN'T PUSH AROUND
THE LITTLE GUY FOREVER,
"BECAUSE SOME DAY THE
LITTLE GUY WILL REVOLT.
"AND THEN LET NO MAN ASK
"'FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS.
IT TOLLS FOR THEE.'"
WELL, THAT'S A VERY PUSHY LETTER
TO WRITE TO THE PRESIDENT
OF THE PHONE COMPANY.
THAT'S A COPY OF THE LETTER I WROTE
TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
AH, WELL, AT LEAST IT'S
NOT TO SOMEBODY IN POWER.
MRS. ROMANO... MS.
OH, MS. MS. ROMANO.
NOW, MS. ROMANO, THERE'S
STILL TIME TO SAVE YOUR PHONE
IF YOU WILL SIMPLY
WRITE OUT A CHECK
FOR $4,221.
I COULDN'T IF I WANTED TO.
I DON'T HAVE $4,221.
THEN BORROW IT FROM THE BANK.
YOU SEE, THIS COMPUTER ERROR
WILL BE CORRECTED
BY ANOTHER COMPUTER,
AND THEN YOU WILL
GET YOUR REFUND.
HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE?
OH, I'LL HAVE TO CHECK
THAT OUT WITH THE COMPUTER.
AH... MR. FARADAY,
IF WE WERE IN THE GOLD
MINING BUSINESS TOGETHER,
YOU WOULD GET THE
GOLD, AND I'D GET THE SHAFT.
PETER, I KNOW I'M
TALLER THAN YOU.
I'M STILL GOING TO WEAR
MY PLATFORM SHOES.
WHY IS THAT A THREAT
TO YOUR MASCULINITY?
WE'RE STILL GOING TO BE THE
SAME HEIGHT WHEN WE PARK.
YOU'VE BEEN ON THAT
PHONE FOR AN HOUR.
IS THERE ANYBODY
ON THE OTHER END?
GET LOST!
NO, NO, NOT YOU, PETER,
MY SISTER THE DWARF.
SO HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET TO THE DANCE?
HEY, CAN WE GET
YOUR DAD'S MODEL "T"?
HIS DAD HAS GOT THIS GREAT
ANTIQUE CAR COLLECTION.
HE'S GOT THIS
FABULOUS MODEL "T".
WELL, FABULOUS!
GET OFF THE PHONE.
PETER, THAT'S GREAT.
WELL, LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT
WHETHER YOU CAN GET IT OR NOT.
JULIE, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!
SO MAKE AN ASH OUT OF YOURSELF!
NO, NO, NOT YOU, PETER.
HE HUNG UP ON ME.
THAT CREEP HUNG UP ON ME.
I JUST LOST THE MOST
WONDERFUL BOY IN THE WORLD,
AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
MY FAULT? SINCE WHEN IS IT...
OK, WHAT'S GOING ON?
MY LIFE JUST ENDED.
OH, IS THAT ALL?
PETER JUST HUNG UP ON HER.
UH, HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE HUNG UP ON YOU?
WELL, YOU SEE, I
WAS TALKING TO HIM,
AND THERE WAS THIS BIG CLICK
AND THEN I WASN'T
TALKING TO HIM.
HE DIDN'T HANG UP ON YOU.
THE PHONE COMPANY
JUST CUT OFF OUR SERVICE.
OH, NO, MOM! PETER'S GOING
TO THINK I HUNG UP ON HIM!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
LOOK, GIRLS, I'M SORRY, REALLY.
YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN HAVING THIS HASSLE
WITH THE PHONE COMPANY FOR WEEKS
TO TRY TO STRAIGHTEN
OUT MY BILL.
I JUST, UH, LOST THE
BATTLE, THAT'S ALL.
BUT I HAVE NOT LOST THE WAR.
MOM, WHAT'RE WE GOING
TO DO WITHOUT A PHONE?
HOW LONG WILL IT BE?
WELL, THEY SAID THEY'D TRY TO
STRAIGHTEN IT OUT WITHIN 30 DAYS.
30 DAYS?
TILL IT COMES BACK ON,
COULD I GO LIVE WITH DADDY?
JULIE, IF I HAVE TO LIVE
WITHOUT A PHONE FOR 30 DAYS,
YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT
A PHONE FOR 30 DAYS.
SO JUST SHUT UP
ABOUT THE PHONE, OK?
GUESS WHO'S GOING TO BE
COMING DOWN OUR STREET
IN JUST A FEW MINUTES?
WHO?
THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
OH. YOU WANT A BANANA?
BANANA? AREN'T YOU EXCITED?
ONLY IF HE'S HERE TO
ADJUST MY PHONE BILL.
HE CAN'T BOTHER WITH YOUR PHONE
BILL. THE MAN... THE MAN IS BUSY.
HE GOES TO CHINA. HE GOES TO
RUSSIA. I MEAN, HE'S THE PRESIDENT.
HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME
TO WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE.
THEN, UH, WHAT'S HE DOING
ON THIS DINKY LITTLE STREET?
SECURITY.
FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE HOTEL,
HE'S TAKIN' NOTHIN'
BUT SIDE STREETS.
WHY?
HE DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE
HOT-RODS RAMMING INTO HIS LIMO.
WELL, SCHNEIDER, IF IT'S A
SECRET, HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I HAVE CONNECTIONS.
WITH THE WHITE HOUSE?
WITH THE GARBAGE DEPARTMENT.
AT LEAST IT'S WITH SOMEBODY
AT THE TOP OF THE HEAP.
WHEN MR. BIG GOES BY,
EVERY GARBAGE CAN IN THIS AREA
HAS GOT TO BE OFF THE STREET.
WHY IS THAT, SCHNEIDER?
WELL, HOW WOULD IT LOOK
IF THE PRESIDENT WENT DOWN THE
STREETS OF INDIANAPOLIS HOLDING HIS NOSE?
LIKE THIS.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, I HAVE HERE
A MIMEOXED COPY OF A MAP.
A MAP ISSUED ONLY TO
THE HIGH MUCKY-MUCKS
IN THE SANITATION DEPARTMENT.
IT SHOWS THE
ENTIRE SECRET ROUTE.
HUH? LOOK.
HE COMES RIGHT BY MY
ESTABLISHMENT, HUH?
AND I'M GOING TO BE RIGHT
OUT THERE IN UNIFORM.
I JUST SLIP OFF
THE OLD TOOL BELT,
GIVE HIM A HIGHBALL,
AND I WAVE THE GRAND OLD FLAG.
I'LL GET IT.
DON'T TELL ME.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
ON LET'S MAKE A DEAL.
CAN WE FOR ONCE DO
WITHOUT THE WITTY REPORTAGE,
LITTLE BOY BLUE?
DO YOU KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE
DRIVING RIGHT PAST MY BUILDING?
ANYBODY WITH A LICK OF SENSE.
THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
OH, SCHNEIDER.
OH, WELL, THAT'S ONE I KNOW
YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS.
YOU SHOULD TO BE OUT THERE,
TOO, WATCHING THE PRESIDENT.
YOU'RE A LAWYER.
THERE WERE A LOT OF LAWYERS
WATCHING OUR LAST PRESIDENT.
IT DIDN'T SEEM TO HELP ANY.
CAN WE WATCH HIM FROM UP HERE?
SURE. YOU CAN. I GOT A GREAT
SET OF BINOCULARS I'LL LEND YOU.
I'LL GO DOWN AND GET
IT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
SGT. YORK BEEN HERE LONG?
AH, DAVID, CUT IT OUT.
HERE THE GIRLS HAVE A
CHANCE TO SEE THE PRESIDENT,
AND WE'RE PUTTING IT DOWN.
I MEAN, IT'S SOMETHING THEY SHOULD
BE ABLE TO TELL THEIR CHILDREN.
CHILDREN? HOW AM I GOING
TO HAVE ANY CHILDREN
WHEN PETER PALMER
CAN'T EVEN PHONE ME?
HE'LL BE ABLE TO PHONE YOU. THE
PHONE'S GONNA BE RECONNECTED.
YOU GOT IT FIXED? YES.
DAVID, OH, YOU'RE DYNAMITE!
HOW DID YOU DO IT?
WELL, IT WAS... IT
WAS NOTHING, REALLY.
WHAT DID YOU DO? DID
YOU GET AN INJUNCTION?
A CEASE AND DESIST
ORDER? WHAT? WHAT?
UH, I PLAYED GOLF
WITH THE GENERAL MANAGER OF
TRI-STATE TELEPHONE COMPANY.
THAT'S ROTTEN. I MEAN,
THAT IS REALLY ROTTEN.
I WRITE LETTERS TO EVERYBODY.
I PAY 50 VISITS TO THEM.
I USE LOGIC, UH, TACT,
AND... AND REASON,
PERSISTENCE, AND I GET NO PLACE.
YOU PLAY GOLF WITH
THE MAN. THAT STINKS!
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT
WASN'T ALL THAT EASY.
I HAD TO BUY THE MAN 4 MARTINIS.
I HAD TO GIVE HIM ALL MY OLIVES.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I, UH,
RIPPED MY PANTS FOR YOU.
UH, HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?
WELL, HE TOLD ME TO TAKE
A WIDER PUTTING STANCE.
I DID. MY PANTS DIDN'T.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU
WOULD SEW THEM UP FOR ME.
YEAH, YEAH, GO IN THE BATHROOM
AND TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
OH.
MS. ROMANO? YES.
SECRET SERVICE.
SECRET SERVICE?
MS. ROMANO, WE
HAVE BEEN DIRECTED
TO KEEP YOU UNDER
SURVEILLANCE AS A POSSIBLE THREAT
TO THE LIFE OF THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
YOU'RE CRAZY!
UH, THREATENING THE PRESIDENT?
OF THE UNITED STATES?
OF AMERICA?
YOU... YOU THINK I'M CRAZY?
NOW DON'T GET
EXCITED, MS. ROMANO.
NO, I'M NOT EXCITED. YOU'VE GOT
THE WRONG PERSON, THAT'S ALL.
I'VE NEVER THREATENED
ANYBODY IN MY LIFE.
EXCEPT US. JULIE.
MS. ROMANO.
OH, I... THAT'S IT. YOU'VE
GOT THE WRONG ROMANO.
ANN MARIA KATHLEEN ROMANO.
MARRIED NAME COOPER.
ALSO KNOW AS RED. ALSO
KNOWN AS CARROT TOP.
CARROT TOP?
THAT WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH.
JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE SERIOUS.
YOU ARE REALLY SERIOUS.
YOU'VE INVESTIGATED ME.
JUST A ROUTINE
PRECAUTION, MA'AM.
WHY ME? GO BRIBE A DICTATOR.
THAT'S... THAT'S C.I.A. WE'RE
TREASURY DEPARTMENT.
THEN, UH, GO PRINT SOME MONEY.
MS. ROMANO, YOU WROTE
A THREATENING LETTER.
NOT MY MOTHER. SHE
WOULDN'T THREATEN ANYBODY.
DID YOU WRITE THIS LETTER?
"AND IN CONCLUSION,
MR. PRESIDENT,
"LET NO MAN ASK 'FOR
WHOM THE BELL TOLLS.
IT TOLLS FOR THEE.'"
MOM.
I, YOU KNOW...
BUT I WASN'T THREATENING
THE PRESIDENT.
I WAS THREATENING
THE PHONE COM...
I WASN'T THREATENING ANYBODY.
NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST COOPERATE,
THIS WON'T TAKE ANY TIME AT ALL.
THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY
TOLD MARIE ANTOINETTE.
UH, LOOK.
I GOT THIS STUPID PHONE BILL.
SEE, NOW... NOW, A CITIZEN
HAS A RIGHT TO PROTEST.
NOT TO PROTEST.
COMPLAIN... TO...
SHOULDN'T I HAVE A LAWYER?
DO YOU HAVE ONE?
IN THE BATHROOM.
DAVID.
DAVID, COME ON OUT HERE! DAVID!
♪ A PRETTY GIRL ♪
♪ IS LIKE A MELODY ♪
DAVID! DAVID!
I WAS... I WAS JUST FIXING
MY PANTS, YOU KNOW...
THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT. THEY
THINK I THREATENED THE PRESIDENT.
YOU THREATENED THE PRESIDENT?
IT WAS THAT DUMB LETTER.
IT WASN'T A DUMB LETTER,
JULIE, I MEANT EVERY WORD I SAID.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT
AND IT'S A HELL OF A GOOD IDEA.
UH, GENTLEMEN,
I'M DAVID KANE,
MS. ROMANO'S ATTORNEY.
AND I'D LIKE YOU TO EXPLAIN
YOUR PRESENCE HERE, PLEASE.
ROUTINE CHECK. THE PRESIDENT
IS ARRIVING HERE TODAY.
WELL, I DON'T CARE
WHEN HE IS ARRIVING.
I KNOW MS. ROMANO.
SHE IS A FINE,
UPSTANDING CITIZEN
WITH 2 FINE,
UPSTANDING DAUGHTERS.
I CAN PERSONALLY VOUCH
FOR HER GOOD CHARACTER.
WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PANTS?
YES. EXCUSE ME. UH...
MR. KANE, YES?
WE ARE FOLLOWING ORDERS.
THERE ARE A LOT OF
CUCKOOS RUNNING AROUND.
I AM NOT A CUCKOO!
SHE GOT A PHONE BILL THAT WAS
WRONG. $4,000. YOU'RE GONNA BLAME HER?
I MEAN, DO I LOOK LIKE
THE KIND OF PERSON
THAT WOULD SPEND THAT KIND
OF MONEY ON PHONE CALLS?
I MEAN, FOR $4,000 I COULD BE PHONING
RUSSIA FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
RUSSIA?
NO, NOT RUSSIA. I MEAN, IT COULD
BE ANYWHERE. IT COULD BE CHINA.
ANN, YOU DO HAVE THE
RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
LOOK, I HAVEN'T CALLED
ANY FOREIGN COUNTRIES.
I DON'T KNOW ANY SUBVERSIVES.
I GOT ANGRY BECAUSE I
GOT A STUPID PHONE BILL
AND I'VE GOT 2 TEENAGE
DAUGHTERS HERE AND NO PHONE.
I MEAN, THEY CUT IT OFF.
MY PHONE DOES NOT WORK.
THANKS A LOT, DAVID.
UH, I'LL GET IT. I'LL GET IT.
HELLO, MAY I HAVE
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
PALMER.
THAT'S PETER. I GOTTA TALK TO
HIM. IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
JULIE.
PETER PALMER SAYS,
"OPERATION MODEL "T" IS ON."
OPERATION MODEL "T"?
MODEL "T"?
FORD!
REALLY, IT'S NOTHING.
ALL IT MEANS IS THAT
PETER'S GOT HIS DAD'S FORD.
AND THEY'RE GONNA
OPERATE AT THE LAKE.
HEY, YOU LISTEN HERE, YOU...
JULIE, BARBARA, SHUT UP!
GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
I ASK YOU NOW,
LOOK, LOOK AT THEM.
IS THAT AN ALL AMERICAN
FAMILY OR ISN'T IT, REALLY?
UH, YEAH, WELL, I GUESS WE CAN CHECK
THIS ONE OFF. WHAT DO YOU THINK, SAM?
I THINK WE BETTER HOLD OFF
A MINUTE. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
A MAP OF THE PRESIDENT'S ROUTE.
EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.
ANN, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
SCHNEIDER. WHO'S SCHNEIDER?
THE PSYCHO IN THE BASEMENT.
MS. ROMANO, THIS ROUTE
IS TOP SECRET INFORMATION.
WE BETTER SEARCH THE PLACE.
UH, DAVID, DO SOMETHING.
ANN, I'M NOT A CRIMINAL LAWYER.
I'M NOT A CRIMINAL!
I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW...
UH, EXCUSE ME,
FELLA, YOU KNOW, UH,
UNLESS, UH...
THIS COULD BE CONSIDERED
ILLEGAL SEARCH AND ENTRY
UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE
A SEARCH WARRANT. THANK YOU.
GET IT STRAIGHT.
WE ARE NOT THE C.I.A.
AH, DAVID, LOOK,
I MEAN, THEY'RE MAKING A
MESS OUT OF EVERYTHING.
NO, NO, DON'T OPEN THAT!
PLEASE, DON'T OPEN THAT!
NO! NO!
MOM! THE SWEATER I
WANTED. OH, THANK YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
BABY, 2 WEEKS EARLY.
THANK YOU.
PLAYGIRL? ANN, REALLY.
JULIE. I NEVER SAW IT BEFORE.
WELL, IT CERTAINLY ISN'T MINE.
OK, KILL ME.
WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN RUNNING
THROUGH THE BOYS' SHOWER ROOM
LIKE JULIE AND HER FRIENDS DID.
I, UH, I... I COULDN'T
FIND THE BINOCULARS.
TELESCOPIC SIGHTS.
WHO'RE THESE GUYS? WE'RE T-MEN.
OH, YEAH? I'M A LEG MAN MYSELF.
SCHNEIDER, WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING WITH A TELESCOPIC SIGHT?
I BROUGHT IT FOR MS. ROMANO.
THE PRESIDENT'S
COMING BY ANY MINUTE.
PUT ON THE CUFFS AND
THROW AWAY THE KEY.
MS. ROMANO, THIS
IS NO JOKING MATTER.
YOU'VE GOT A MAP, AND NOW THIS
LOONY BRINGS UP A SCOPE SIGHT.
LOONY? HOW'D YOU LIKE A
WRENCH FOR AN EARRING?
SCHNEIDER, THESE MEN ARE
FROM THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT.
SECRET SERVICE.
SOMEBODY IS GOING TO HAVE TO
EXPLAIN THIS TELESCOPIC SIGHT.
HE BROUGHT IT.
LOOK, I COULDN'T
FIND MY BINOCULARS,
SO I TOOK THAT
OFF MY DEER RIFLE.
NOW, FELLAS, LOOK,
I KNOW MS. ROMANO.
SHE IS A YOUNG WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN
WITHOUT A MAN FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
OF COURSE, THIS MAKES
HER A LITTLE HIGH-STRUNG.
SO NATURALLY, SHE
OCCASIONALLY BLOWS HER STACK,
BUT SHE'S NO THREAT
TO THE PRESIDENT.
THAT'S NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE.
NOW LOOK, ALL OF YOU.
WE CAN'T TAKE ANY CHANCES.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DETAIN YOU.
MA, HOW COULD YOU
THREATEN THE PRESIDENT
AT AN IMPORTANT TIME LIKE THIS?
JULIE, I DID NOT
THREATEN THE PRESIDENT!
I DID WRITE SOME LETTERS.
LOOK, THIS IS AN
OBSCENE SITUATION HERE.
I'M A PRIVATE CITIZEN WHO IS
TRYING TO FIGHT A HUGE COMPANY
OVER AN OUTRAGEOUS PHONE
BILL THAT IS OBVIOUSLY A MISTAKE.
NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING
IN THIS COUNTRY?
ANN, YOU DO HAVE
THE RIGHT TO REMAIN...
I DON'T WANNA REMAIN SILENT!
NOW, LOOK. YOU
BARGE INTO MY HOME,
YOU DIG INTO MY PAST,
YOU HARASS MY
FAMILY AND FRIENDS,
AND WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT
IT? WHAT RECOURSE DO I HAVE?
WRITE MY CONGRESSMAN?
WRITE MY PRESIDENT?
OH, BOY, WILL THEY HELP.
THEY'LL JUST STAMP IT "CUCKOO"
AND SEND IN THE F.B.I.!
WE'RE NOT THE F.B.I., MA'AM.
WE'RE PROTECTING OUR
PRESIDENT, MS. ROMANO.
IT ONLY TAKES ONE
DISTURBED PERSON.
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?
I AM NOT, REPEAT, NOT
A DISTURBED PERSON!
OK, I AM DISTURBED.
BUT IT STARTED WITH
A PHONE BILL. DAVID.
GENTLEMEN, IF YOU HAVE
A LEGITIMATE CHARGE,
I SUGGEST THAT YOU
EITHER MAKE IT OR BACK OFF.
THIS IS TOTAL HARASSMENT.
RIGHT, WHAT HAPPENED TO LIBERTY?
WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR CIVIL RIGHTS?
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
HOW WOULD YOU... HOW WOULD
YOU PROTECT YOUR PRESIDENT?
WELL, UH...
HE HAS SOME RIGHTS,
TOO. LIKE THE RIGHT TO LIVE.
WE HAVE TO FOLLOW UP HUNDREDS
OF LETTERS JUST LIKE YOURS.
MOST OF THEM PERFECTLY INNOCENT.
BUT HOW DO WE KNOW THAT?
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO
IGNORE KOOKY LETTERS?
I DON'T WRITE KOOKY LETTERS.
MS. ROMANO.
"LET NO ONE ASK 'FOR
WHOM THE BELL TOLLS.
IT TOLLS FOR THEE.'"
OK, BUT I WAS FIT TO BE TIED.
AND THAT'S ALL WE'RE DOING NOW,
JUST TYING YOU DOWN UNTIL
THE MAN REACHES THE HOTEL.
UH, WE DON'T GET A LOT
OF SECOND CHANCES.
OK, I GUESS I'D HAVE TO DO
EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
UH, YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?
MMM. THANK YOU.
HE'S COMING, HE'S COMING.
THE PRESIDENT'S COMING!
WHICH IS HIS CAR?
UH, LOOK FOR THE SKI RACK.
THERE HE IS!
PRESIDENT GERRY FORD!
OH, I'M GETTING GOOSE FEET.
I DIDN'T SEE HIM. DID YOU?
YEAH, I SAW HIS ARM
WAVING FROM THE CAR.
I SAW THAT.
BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT
WAS THE PRESIDENT'S ARM?
HE HAD IT CAUGHT IN
THE ELECTRIC WINDOW.
THIS PROGRAM WAS
RECORDED ON TAPE
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪
♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BE SURE AT ALL ♪
♪ SO WHILE YOU'RE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪
♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪
♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪
♪ SOMEWHERE THERE'S
MUSIC PLAYING ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ♪
♪ WE'LL JUST TAKE
IT LIKE IT COMES ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
YOU ARE TAKING THIS MUCH
TOO SERIOUSLY, MRS. ROMANO.
EVENTUALLY, THE COMPUTER
WILL DISCOVER ITS OWN ERROR
AND WE WILL MAKE A FULL REFUND.
SO WHY DON'T YOU
SIMPLY PAY YOUR BILL NOW,
AND ENJOY THE ANTICIPATION
OF A POSSIBLE REFUND?
MR. FARADAY, I CANNOT PAY
A $4,221 PHONE BILL.
WE AT TRI-STATE PHONE
UNDERSTAND THAT COMPLETELY.
AND IF IT'S SYMPATHY YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR, YOU CERTAINLY HAVE MINE.
NO, I'M NOT LOOKING
FOR SYMPATHY.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR IS
SOMEBODY TO STOP THEM
FROM TURNING OFF MY PHONE.
I CAN EMPATHIZE WITH THAT, TOO.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
I SAY TO OUR CRITICS,
"THE VALUE OF OUR
SERVICE MAY BEST BE JUDGED
BY THE DESPERATION OF THE
PEOPLE WHO ARE DEPRIVED OF IT."
UH, LOOK.
5 DAYS AGO, I WAS SERVED NOTICE
THAT IF I DID NOT PAY THIS BILL,
MY PHONE WOULD
BE CUT OFF IN 5 DAYS.
IT HAS TAKEN ME 5
DAYS TO GET TO SEE YOU.
WELL, I WISH YOU'D
PAID THIS BILL FIRST.
I HATE THIS PRESSURE.
OH, THAT PHONE! I'D LIKE
TO YANK IT OUT BY ITS ROOTS.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO, FARADAY HERE.
OH, LOOK, MA'AM... LOOK, MADAME,
YES, MADAME, THE PHONE COMPANY ALWAYS
CHARGES FOR INSTALLING A NEW PHONE.
YES, I KNOW THE INSTRUMENT
WAS ALREADY THERE.
YES, I REALIZE A MAN HERE DOES JUST
PUSH A BUTTON TO TURN THE PHONE ON.
BUT...
WELL, IF YOU GOT $17.50 FOR PUSHING
A BUTTON, YOU WOULDN'T KNOCK IT.
THE PUBLIC ARE ANIMALS.
MY PHONE IS GOING TO
BE CUT OFF ANY SECOND.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
LIVE WITH 2 TEENAGERS AND NO PHONE?
TSK. NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.
I LIVE WITH MY MOTHER.
THAT WOMAN, THAT DEAR WOMAN
STAYS ON THE PHONE ALL DAY LONG.
BETWEEN THE TELEPHONE
AND THE TELEVISION...
AH! WHY CAN'T YOU
JUST ACKNOWLEDGE
THAT THE COMPUTER MADE A MISTAKE
AND CHARGE ME MY NORMAL BILL?
$15 A MONTH.
WE DON'T KNOW THE COMPUTER
HAS MADE A MISTAKE NOW, DO WE?
NOT MADE A MISTAKE?
MR. FARADAY,
HOW COULD I POSSIBLY SPEND
$4,000 A MONTH ON PHONE CALLS?
WELL, WE JUST
PROVIDE THE SERVICE.
HOW YOU USE IT IS YOUR PROVINCE.
YOU KNOW, WE HAD AN
INTERESTING CASE A WHILE BACK.
THERE WAS THIS WOMAN.
SHE LED A CIRCUMSPECT
LIFE FOR 40 YEARS.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN
STARTED ACCEPTING
OBSCENE PHONE CALLS
FROM PARIS.
COLLECT.
ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT
YOUR COMPUTER CAN'T MAKE A MISTAKE?
WELL, OF COURSE IT CAN. COMPUTERS
ARE ONLY HUMAN, YOU KNOW.
A-AND I AM, TOO.
AND I REFUSE TO BE
THE VICTIM OF A COMPANY
THAT JUST DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN.
OH, I... I DON'T, I
DON'T LIKE PROFANITY.
OK, LOOK, THIS IS THE PICTURE.
UH, YOUR COMPUTER
MADE A MISTAKE,
AND UNLESS I PAY, UH, THIS BILL,
YOU'RE GOING TO
CUT OFF MY PHONE.
I... I... I DON'T KNOW
WHAT MORE TO DO.
I, UH... I WROTE THE NEWSPAPERS,
THE PUBLIC SERVICE COMMISSION,
THE CONSUMER AFFAIRS
BUREAU, RALPH NADER,
TRI-STATE TELEPHONE,
THE PRESIDENT OF THE...
YES, I AM WELL AWARE
OF YOUR HOSTILITY.
WE HAVE YOUR FILE RIGHT HERE.
OH, YOU HAVE BEEN A BUSY BEE.
IF YOU DON'T MIND MY
SAYING SO, MRS. ROMANO.
MS.
MS. ROMANO.
I THINK THIS LETTER
WENT A BIT TOO FAR.
"IN CONCLUSION, MR. PRESIDENT,
"A DAY OF RECKONING
IS NOT FAR OFF.
"BIG CORPORATIONS
AND BIG GOVERNMENT
"CAN'T PUSH AROUND
THE LITTLE GUY FOREVER,
"BECAUSE SOME DAY THE
LITTLE GUY WILL REVOLT.
"AND THEN LET NO MAN ASK
"'FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS.
IT TOLLS FOR THEE.'"
WELL, THAT'S A VERY PUSHY LETTER
TO WRITE TO THE PRESIDENT
OF THE PHONE COMPANY.
THAT'S A COPY OF THE LETTER I WROTE
TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
AH, WELL, AT LEAST IT'S
NOT TO SOMEBODY IN POWER.
MRS. ROMANO... MS.
OH, MS. MS. ROMANO.
NOW, MS. ROMANO, THERE'S
STILL TIME TO SAVE YOUR PHONE
IF YOU WILL SIMPLY
WRITE OUT A CHECK
FOR $4,221.
I COULDN'T IF I WANTED TO.
I DON'T HAVE $4,221.
THEN BORROW IT FROM THE BANK.
YOU SEE, THIS COMPUTER ERROR
WILL BE CORRECTED
BY ANOTHER COMPUTER,
AND THEN YOU WILL
GET YOUR REFUND.
HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE?
OH, I'LL HAVE TO CHECK
THAT OUT WITH THE COMPUTER.
AH... MR. FARADAY,
IF WE WERE IN THE GOLD
MINING BUSINESS TOGETHER,
YOU WOULD GET THE
GOLD, AND I'D GET THE SHAFT.
PETER, I KNOW I'M
TALLER THAN YOU.
I'M STILL GOING TO WEAR
MY PLATFORM SHOES.
WHY IS THAT A THREAT
TO YOUR MASCULINITY?
WE'RE STILL GOING TO BE THE
SAME HEIGHT WHEN WE PARK.
YOU'VE BEEN ON THAT
PHONE FOR AN HOUR.
IS THERE ANYBODY
ON THE OTHER END?
GET LOST!
NO, NO, NOT YOU, PETER,
MY SISTER THE DWARF.
SO HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET TO THE DANCE?
HEY, CAN WE GET
YOUR DAD'S MODEL "T"?
HIS DAD HAS GOT THIS GREAT
ANTIQUE CAR COLLECTION.
HE'S GOT THIS
FABULOUS MODEL "T".
WELL, FABULOUS!
GET OFF THE PHONE.
PETER, THAT'S GREAT.
WELL, LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT
WHETHER YOU CAN GET IT OR NOT.
JULIE, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!
SO MAKE AN ASH OUT OF YOURSELF!
NO, NO, NOT YOU, PETER.
HE HUNG UP ON ME.
THAT CREEP HUNG UP ON ME.
I JUST LOST THE MOST
WONDERFUL BOY IN THE WORLD,
AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
MY FAULT? SINCE WHEN IS IT...
OK, WHAT'S GOING ON?
MY LIFE JUST ENDED.
OH, IS THAT ALL?
PETER JUST HUNG UP ON HER.
UH, HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE HUNG UP ON YOU?
WELL, YOU SEE, I
WAS TALKING TO HIM,
AND THERE WAS THIS BIG CLICK
AND THEN I WASN'T
TALKING TO HIM.
HE DIDN'T HANG UP ON YOU.
THE PHONE COMPANY
JUST CUT OFF OUR SERVICE.
OH, NO, MOM! PETER'S GOING
TO THINK I HUNG UP ON HIM!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
LOOK, GIRLS, I'M SORRY, REALLY.
YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN HAVING THIS HASSLE
WITH THE PHONE COMPANY FOR WEEKS
TO TRY TO STRAIGHTEN
OUT MY BILL.
I JUST, UH, LOST THE
BATTLE, THAT'S ALL.
BUT I HAVE NOT LOST THE WAR.
MOM, WHAT'RE WE GOING
TO DO WITHOUT A PHONE?
HOW LONG WILL IT BE?
WELL, THEY SAID THEY'D TRY TO
STRAIGHTEN IT OUT WITHIN 30 DAYS.
30 DAYS?
TILL IT COMES BACK ON,
COULD I GO LIVE WITH DADDY?
JULIE, IF I HAVE TO LIVE
WITHOUT A PHONE FOR 30 DAYS,
YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT
A PHONE FOR 30 DAYS.
SO JUST SHUT UP
ABOUT THE PHONE, OK?
GUESS WHO'S GOING TO BE
COMING DOWN OUR STREET
IN JUST A FEW MINUTES?
WHO?
THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
OH. YOU WANT A BANANA?
BANANA? AREN'T YOU EXCITED?
ONLY IF HE'S HERE TO
ADJUST MY PHONE BILL.
HE CAN'T BOTHER WITH YOUR PHONE
BILL. THE MAN... THE MAN IS BUSY.
HE GOES TO CHINA. HE GOES TO
RUSSIA. I MEAN, HE'S THE PRESIDENT.
HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME
TO WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE.
THEN, UH, WHAT'S HE DOING
ON THIS DINKY LITTLE STREET?
SECURITY.
FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE HOTEL,
HE'S TAKIN' NOTHIN'
BUT SIDE STREETS.
WHY?
HE DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE
HOT-RODS RAMMING INTO HIS LIMO.
WELL, SCHNEIDER, IF IT'S A
SECRET, HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I HAVE CONNECTIONS.
WITH THE WHITE HOUSE?
WITH THE GARBAGE DEPARTMENT.
AT LEAST IT'S WITH SOMEBODY
AT THE TOP OF THE HEAP.
WHEN MR. BIG GOES BY,
EVERY GARBAGE CAN IN THIS AREA
HAS GOT TO BE OFF THE STREET.
WHY IS THAT, SCHNEIDER?
WELL, HOW WOULD IT LOOK
IF THE PRESIDENT WENT DOWN THE
STREETS OF INDIANAPOLIS HOLDING HIS NOSE?
LIKE THIS.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, I HAVE HERE
A MIMEOXED COPY OF A MAP.
A MAP ISSUED ONLY TO
THE HIGH MUCKY-MUCKS
IN THE SANITATION DEPARTMENT.
IT SHOWS THE
ENTIRE SECRET ROUTE.
HUH? LOOK.
HE COMES RIGHT BY MY
ESTABLISHMENT, HUH?
AND I'M GOING TO BE RIGHT
OUT THERE IN UNIFORM.
I JUST SLIP OFF
THE OLD TOOL BELT,
GIVE HIM A HIGHBALL,
AND I WAVE THE GRAND OLD FLAG.
I'LL GET IT.
DON'T TELL ME.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
ON LET'S MAKE A DEAL.
CAN WE FOR ONCE DO
WITHOUT THE WITTY REPORTAGE,
LITTLE BOY BLUE?
DO YOU KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE
DRIVING RIGHT PAST MY BUILDING?
ANYBODY WITH A LICK OF SENSE.
THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
OH, SCHNEIDER.
OH, WELL, THAT'S ONE I KNOW
YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS.
YOU SHOULD TO BE OUT THERE,
TOO, WATCHING THE PRESIDENT.
YOU'RE A LAWYER.
THERE WERE A LOT OF LAWYERS
WATCHING OUR LAST PRESIDENT.
IT DIDN'T SEEM TO HELP ANY.
CAN WE WATCH HIM FROM UP HERE?
SURE. YOU CAN. I GOT A GREAT
SET OF BINOCULARS I'LL LEND YOU.
I'LL GO DOWN AND GET
IT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
SGT. YORK BEEN HERE LONG?
AH, DAVID, CUT IT OUT.
HERE THE GIRLS HAVE A
CHANCE TO SEE THE PRESIDENT,
AND WE'RE PUTTING IT DOWN.
I MEAN, IT'S SOMETHING THEY SHOULD
BE ABLE TO TELL THEIR CHILDREN.
CHILDREN? HOW AM I GOING
TO HAVE ANY CHILDREN
WHEN PETER PALMER
CAN'T EVEN PHONE ME?
HE'LL BE ABLE TO PHONE YOU. THE
PHONE'S GONNA BE RECONNECTED.
YOU GOT IT FIXED? YES.
DAVID, OH, YOU'RE DYNAMITE!
HOW DID YOU DO IT?
WELL, IT WAS... IT
WAS NOTHING, REALLY.
WHAT DID YOU DO? DID
YOU GET AN INJUNCTION?
A CEASE AND DESIST
ORDER? WHAT? WHAT?
UH, I PLAYED GOLF
WITH THE GENERAL MANAGER OF
TRI-STATE TELEPHONE COMPANY.
THAT'S ROTTEN. I MEAN,
THAT IS REALLY ROTTEN.
I WRITE LETTERS TO EVERYBODY.
I PAY 50 VISITS TO THEM.
I USE LOGIC, UH, TACT,
AND... AND REASON,
PERSISTENCE, AND I GET NO PLACE.
YOU PLAY GOLF WITH
THE MAN. THAT STINKS!
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT
WASN'T ALL THAT EASY.
I HAD TO BUY THE MAN 4 MARTINIS.
I HAD TO GIVE HIM ALL MY OLIVES.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I, UH,
RIPPED MY PANTS FOR YOU.
UH, HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?
WELL, HE TOLD ME TO TAKE
A WIDER PUTTING STANCE.
I DID. MY PANTS DIDN'T.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU
WOULD SEW THEM UP FOR ME.
YEAH, YEAH, GO IN THE BATHROOM
AND TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
OH.
MS. ROMANO? YES.
SECRET SERVICE.
SECRET SERVICE?
MS. ROMANO, WE
HAVE BEEN DIRECTED
TO KEEP YOU UNDER
SURVEILLANCE AS A POSSIBLE THREAT
TO THE LIFE OF THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
YOU'RE CRAZY!
UH, THREATENING THE PRESIDENT?
OF THE UNITED STATES?
OF AMERICA?
YOU... YOU THINK I'M CRAZY?
NOW DON'T GET
EXCITED, MS. ROMANO.
NO, I'M NOT EXCITED. YOU'VE GOT
THE WRONG PERSON, THAT'S ALL.
I'VE NEVER THREATENED
ANYBODY IN MY LIFE.
EXCEPT US. JULIE.
MS. ROMANO.
OH, I... THAT'S IT. YOU'VE
GOT THE WRONG ROMANO.
ANN MARIA KATHLEEN ROMANO.
MARRIED NAME COOPER.
ALSO KNOW AS RED. ALSO
KNOWN AS CARROT TOP.
CARROT TOP?
THAT WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH.
JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE SERIOUS.
YOU ARE REALLY SERIOUS.
YOU'VE INVESTIGATED ME.
JUST A ROUTINE
PRECAUTION, MA'AM.
WHY ME? GO BRIBE A DICTATOR.
THAT'S... THAT'S C.I.A. WE'RE
TREASURY DEPARTMENT.
THEN, UH, GO PRINT SOME MONEY.
MS. ROMANO, YOU WROTE
A THREATENING LETTER.
NOT MY MOTHER. SHE
WOULDN'T THREATEN ANYBODY.
DID YOU WRITE THIS LETTER?
"AND IN CONCLUSION,
MR. PRESIDENT,
"LET NO MAN ASK 'FOR
WHOM THE BELL TOLLS.
IT TOLLS FOR THEE.'"
MOM.
I, YOU KNOW...
BUT I WASN'T THREATENING
THE PRESIDENT.
I WAS THREATENING
THE PHONE COM...
I WASN'T THREATENING ANYBODY.
NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST COOPERATE,
THIS WON'T TAKE ANY TIME AT ALL.
THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY
TOLD MARIE ANTOINETTE.
UH, LOOK.
I GOT THIS STUPID PHONE BILL.
SEE, NOW... NOW, A CITIZEN
HAS A RIGHT TO PROTEST.
NOT TO PROTEST.
COMPLAIN... TO...
SHOULDN'T I HAVE A LAWYER?
DO YOU HAVE ONE?
IN THE BATHROOM.
DAVID.
DAVID, COME ON OUT HERE! DAVID!
♪ A PRETTY GIRL ♪
♪ IS LIKE A MELODY ♪
DAVID! DAVID!
I WAS... I WAS JUST FIXING
MY PANTS, YOU KNOW...
THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT. THEY
THINK I THREATENED THE PRESIDENT.
YOU THREATENED THE PRESIDENT?
IT WAS THAT DUMB LETTER.
IT WASN'T A DUMB LETTER,
JULIE, I MEANT EVERY WORD I SAID.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT
AND IT'S A HELL OF A GOOD IDEA.
UH, GENTLEMEN,
I'M DAVID KANE,
MS. ROMANO'S ATTORNEY.
AND I'D LIKE YOU TO EXPLAIN
YOUR PRESENCE HERE, PLEASE.
ROUTINE CHECK. THE PRESIDENT
IS ARRIVING HERE TODAY.
WELL, I DON'T CARE
WHEN HE IS ARRIVING.
I KNOW MS. ROMANO.
SHE IS A FINE,
UPSTANDING CITIZEN
WITH 2 FINE,
UPSTANDING DAUGHTERS.
I CAN PERSONALLY VOUCH
FOR HER GOOD CHARACTER.
WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PANTS?
YES. EXCUSE ME. UH...
MR. KANE, YES?
WE ARE FOLLOWING ORDERS.
THERE ARE A LOT OF
CUCKOOS RUNNING AROUND.
I AM NOT A CUCKOO!
SHE GOT A PHONE BILL THAT WAS
WRONG. $4,000. YOU'RE GONNA BLAME HER?
I MEAN, DO I LOOK LIKE
THE KIND OF PERSON
THAT WOULD SPEND THAT KIND
OF MONEY ON PHONE CALLS?
I MEAN, FOR $4,000 I COULD BE PHONING
RUSSIA FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
RUSSIA?
NO, NOT RUSSIA. I MEAN, IT COULD
BE ANYWHERE. IT COULD BE CHINA.
ANN, YOU DO HAVE THE
RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
LOOK, I HAVEN'T CALLED
ANY FOREIGN COUNTRIES.
I DON'T KNOW ANY SUBVERSIVES.
I GOT ANGRY BECAUSE I
GOT A STUPID PHONE BILL
AND I'VE GOT 2 TEENAGE
DAUGHTERS HERE AND NO PHONE.
I MEAN, THEY CUT IT OFF.
MY PHONE DOES NOT WORK.
THANKS A LOT, DAVID.
UH, I'LL GET IT. I'LL GET IT.
HELLO, MAY I HAVE
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
PALMER.
THAT'S PETER. I GOTTA TALK TO
HIM. IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
JULIE.
PETER PALMER SAYS,
"OPERATION MODEL "T" IS ON."
OPERATION MODEL "T"?
MODEL "T"?
FORD!
REALLY, IT'S NOTHING.
ALL IT MEANS IS THAT
PETER'S GOT HIS DAD'S FORD.
AND THEY'RE GONNA
OPERATE AT THE LAKE.
HEY, YOU LISTEN HERE, YOU...
JULIE, BARBARA, SHUT UP!
GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
I ASK YOU NOW,
LOOK, LOOK AT THEM.
IS THAT AN ALL AMERICAN
FAMILY OR ISN'T IT, REALLY?
UH, YEAH, WELL, I GUESS WE CAN CHECK
THIS ONE OFF. WHAT DO YOU THINK, SAM?
I THINK WE BETTER HOLD OFF
A MINUTE. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
A MAP OF THE PRESIDENT'S ROUTE.
EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.
ANN, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
SCHNEIDER. WHO'S SCHNEIDER?
THE PSYCHO IN THE BASEMENT.
MS. ROMANO, THIS ROUTE
IS TOP SECRET INFORMATION.
WE BETTER SEARCH THE PLACE.
UH, DAVID, DO SOMETHING.
ANN, I'M NOT A CRIMINAL LAWYER.
I'M NOT A CRIMINAL!
I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW...
UH, EXCUSE ME,
FELLA, YOU KNOW, UH,
UNLESS, UH...
THIS COULD BE CONSIDERED
ILLEGAL SEARCH AND ENTRY
UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE
A SEARCH WARRANT. THANK YOU.
GET IT STRAIGHT.
WE ARE NOT THE C.I.A.
AH, DAVID, LOOK,
I MEAN, THEY'RE MAKING A
MESS OUT OF EVERYTHING.
NO, NO, DON'T OPEN THAT!
PLEASE, DON'T OPEN THAT!
NO! NO!
MOM! THE SWEATER I
WANTED. OH, THANK YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
BABY, 2 WEEKS EARLY.
THANK YOU.
PLAYGIRL? ANN, REALLY.
JULIE. I NEVER SAW IT BEFORE.
WELL, IT CERTAINLY ISN'T MINE.
OK, KILL ME.
WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN RUNNING
THROUGH THE BOYS' SHOWER ROOM
LIKE JULIE AND HER FRIENDS DID.
I, UH, I... I COULDN'T
FIND THE BINOCULARS.
TELESCOPIC SIGHTS.
WHO'RE THESE GUYS? WE'RE T-MEN.
OH, YEAH? I'M A LEG MAN MYSELF.
SCHNEIDER, WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING WITH A TELESCOPIC SIGHT?
I BROUGHT IT FOR MS. ROMANO.
THE PRESIDENT'S
COMING BY ANY MINUTE.
PUT ON THE CUFFS AND
THROW AWAY THE KEY.
MS. ROMANO, THIS
IS NO JOKING MATTER.
YOU'VE GOT A MAP, AND NOW THIS
LOONY BRINGS UP A SCOPE SIGHT.
LOONY? HOW'D YOU LIKE A
WRENCH FOR AN EARRING?
SCHNEIDER, THESE MEN ARE
FROM THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT.
SECRET SERVICE.
SOMEBODY IS GOING TO HAVE TO
EXPLAIN THIS TELESCOPIC SIGHT.
HE BROUGHT IT.
LOOK, I COULDN'T
FIND MY BINOCULARS,
SO I TOOK THAT
OFF MY DEER RIFLE.
NOW, FELLAS, LOOK,
I KNOW MS. ROMANO.
SHE IS A YOUNG WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN
WITHOUT A MAN FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
OF COURSE, THIS MAKES
HER A LITTLE HIGH-STRUNG.
SO NATURALLY, SHE
OCCASIONALLY BLOWS HER STACK,
BUT SHE'S NO THREAT
TO THE PRESIDENT.
THAT'S NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE.
NOW LOOK, ALL OF YOU.
WE CAN'T TAKE ANY CHANCES.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DETAIN YOU.
MA, HOW COULD YOU
THREATEN THE PRESIDENT
AT AN IMPORTANT TIME LIKE THIS?
JULIE, I DID NOT
THREATEN THE PRESIDENT!
I DID WRITE SOME LETTERS.
LOOK, THIS IS AN
OBSCENE SITUATION HERE.
I'M A PRIVATE CITIZEN WHO IS
TRYING TO FIGHT A HUGE COMPANY
OVER AN OUTRAGEOUS PHONE
BILL THAT IS OBVIOUSLY A MISTAKE.
NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING
IN THIS COUNTRY?
ANN, YOU DO HAVE
THE RIGHT TO REMAIN...
I DON'T WANNA REMAIN SILENT!
NOW, LOOK. YOU
BARGE INTO MY HOME,
YOU DIG INTO MY PAST,
YOU HARASS MY
FAMILY AND FRIENDS,
AND WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT
IT? WHAT RECOURSE DO I HAVE?
WRITE MY CONGRESSMAN?
WRITE MY PRESIDENT?
OH, BOY, WILL THEY HELP.
THEY'LL JUST STAMP IT "CUCKOO"
AND SEND IN THE F.B.I.!
WE'RE NOT THE F.B.I., MA'AM.
WE'RE PROTECTING OUR
PRESIDENT, MS. ROMANO.
IT ONLY TAKES ONE
DISTURBED PERSON.
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?
I AM NOT, REPEAT, NOT
A DISTURBED PERSON!
OK, I AM DISTURBED.
BUT IT STARTED WITH
A PHONE BILL. DAVID.
GENTLEMEN, IF YOU HAVE
A LEGITIMATE CHARGE,
I SUGGEST THAT YOU
EITHER MAKE IT OR BACK OFF.
THIS IS TOTAL HARASSMENT.
RIGHT, WHAT HAPPENED TO LIBERTY?
WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR CIVIL RIGHTS?
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
HOW WOULD YOU... HOW WOULD
YOU PROTECT YOUR PRESIDENT?
WELL, UH...
HE HAS SOME RIGHTS,
TOO. LIKE THE RIGHT TO LIVE.
WE HAVE TO FOLLOW UP HUNDREDS
OF LETTERS JUST LIKE YOURS.
MOST OF THEM PERFECTLY INNOCENT.
BUT HOW DO WE KNOW THAT?
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO
IGNORE KOOKY LETTERS?
I DON'T WRITE KOOKY LETTERS.
MS. ROMANO.
"LET NO ONE ASK 'FOR
WHOM THE BELL TOLLS.
IT TOLLS FOR THEE.'"
OK, BUT I WAS FIT TO BE TIED.
AND THAT'S ALL WE'RE DOING NOW,
JUST TYING YOU DOWN UNTIL
THE MAN REACHES THE HOTEL.
UH, WE DON'T GET A LOT
OF SECOND CHANCES.
OK, I GUESS I'D HAVE TO DO
EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
UH, YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?
MMM. THANK YOU.
HE'S COMING, HE'S COMING.
THE PRESIDENT'S COMING!
WHICH IS HIS CAR?
UH, LOOK FOR THE SKI RACK.
THERE HE IS!
PRESIDENT GERRY FORD!
OH, I'M GETTING GOOSE FEET.
I DIDN'T SEE HIM. DID YOU?
YEAH, I SAW HIS ARM
WAVING FROM THE CAR.
I SAW THAT.
BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT
WAS THE PRESIDENT'S ARM?
HE HAD IT CAUGHT IN
THE ELECTRIC WINDOW.
THIS PROGRAM WAS
RECORDED ON TAPE
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.