One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 1, Episode 5 - David Loves Ann - full transcript

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪

♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BE SURE AT ALL ♪

♪ SO WHILE YOU'RE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪

♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪

♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪



♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE THERE'S
MUSIC PLAYING ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ♪

♪ WE'LL JUST TAKE
IT LIKE IT COMES ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

THEY'RE COMING.



JULIE, IT'S A DUMB JOKE.

OH, COME ON, IT'S A JOKE, IT'S
NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BRILLIANT.

YEAH, YEAH? WELL, I
WON'T HAVE ANY PART OF IT.

YOU ARE PART OF IT.

OH YEAH? YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK. WHEN MOM
GETS HERE, SHE WON'T THINK I'M PART OF IT.

OH, COME ON, LET'S FINISH
THIS STUPID ARGUMENT IN THERE.

MOM WILL KILL YOU!

OK, I'VE GOT ONE FOR
YOU THIS TIME, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT. SHOOT.

UM, THE ANSWER IS

"ROBERT, LORETTA AND EGG
FU." WHAT'S THE QUESTION?

NAME 3 YOUNGS. THAT IS SO LAME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

HERE'S A GOOD ONE.
HERE'S A GOOD ONE, OK?

THE ANSWER IS

EVEREST, McKINLEY,
AND RAQUEL WELCH.

WHAT'S THE QUESTION, HUH?

I GIVE UP.

NAME 4 MOUNTAINS.

OOH! THAT'S TERRIBLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU EXPECT, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S THE BEST WE CAN DO, KID.

AND FROM NOW ON, IT'S JUST
ME, THE NIGHT AND THE MUSIC.

MUSIC, WHAT MUSIC?

DON'T YOU HEAR IT?

NO, I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

OH, MY GOD, I'M NOT
DRUNK, I'M EMBALMED.

OH, DAVID, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE THE WAY YOU MAKE
EVERYTHING SO FUNNY...

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

LET'S GO BACK TO THE PART

WHERE YOU JUST
SAID, "I LOVE YOU."

AH, COME ON, DAVID, I DIDN'T SAY
"I LOVE YOU," I SAID "I LOVE YOU."

NO, NO, NO. LET'S
NOT QUIBBLE HERE.

YOU GOT THE WORDS RIGHT,

WE CAN WORK ON
THE INTONATION LATER.

YOU'RE ACTING EXACTLY LIKE A
LAWYER. YOU'RE LEADING THE WITNESS.

RIGHT TO THE COUCH.

OW!

WHAT'S THAT! YOU BIT MY LIP.

OH, COME ON.

AM I BLEEDING?

THIS IS A FINE HOUR FOR A
GIRL YOUR AGE TO BE HOME.

YOU'VE BEEN WITH DAVID LONG
ENOUGH NOW. SO OUT, OUT, OUT!

YES, ANN HAS TO GET UP VERY EARLY TOMORROW
MORNING, SO OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT!

COME ON, TURKEY, I DON'T
DO THINGS LIKE THAT TO YOU.

YOU TWO HAVE ANY IDEA OF
HOW LONG I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET

YOUR MOTHER TO GIVE
ME A KISS LIKE THAT.

A KISS LIKE WHAT?
HOW'D YOU KISS HIM, MOM?

IT WAS JUST A KISS.

WHAT KIND OF A KISS?

YEAH, I MEAN, WE
SAW THIS MOVIE ON T.V.

WHERE FAYE DUNAWAY KISSED
ROBERT REDFORD WITH HER MOUTH OPEN.

THEY JUST KEPT ON TALKING. COULDN'T
UNDERSTAND A WORD THEY SAID,

BUT IT SURE SOUNDED GREAT.

YOU SAW THAT ON T.V.?

THAT'S OK, MOM.

THE PART WITH THE KISS CAME
ON AFTER THE FAMILY HOUR.

AH, MOM, DID YOU KISS DAVID
WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN?

OH, IT WAS JUST A
PLAIN, ORDINARY KISS.

YEAH, SORT OF FAYE
DUNAWAY AND ROY ROGERS.

OK, COME ON KIDS. TIME FOR BED.
- 00.

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I REALLY
THOUGHT YOUR JOKE WAS VERY FUNNY,

I APPRECIATE THE HUMOR OF IT AND I'LL GET
YOU BACK, IF THAT'S THE LAST THING I DO.

COME ON, UP, GO, GO!

I WANNA WATCH, MOM!

I WANNA WATCH!

YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD TO
BE SPANKED. CLOSE THE DOOR.

OH. AH, DAVID.

WHY DO YOU DO THAT?

THAT IS THE 2ND TIME
TONIGHT YOU'VE DONE THAT.

FIRST YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE
ME, THEN YOU KISS ME LIKE THAT,

AND BOTH TIMES YOU BACK OFF.

WHY CAN'T YOU FOLLOW
THROUGH WITH YOUR EMOTIONS?

AH, DAVID, YOU'RE REALLY BLOWING
THIS UP ALL OUT OF PROPORTION.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE THE GIRLS.

ACTING LIKE THE GIRLS, HUH?
THAT'S IT. GO RIGHT FOR THE THROAT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU'RE HUNG UP OVER THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE 34 AND I'M ONLY 27.

I DON'T MEAN "ONLY."

YOU SAID IT, I DIDN'T.

YES, BUT YOU WERE THINKING IT.

NO, I WASN'T, DAVID. NOT
UNTIL YOU BROUGHT IT UP

IN THAT CHILDISH MANNER.

THERE YOU GO AGAIN.

AH, DAVID, COME ON. I
DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR AGE,

YOU DON'T LOOK YOUR AGE, YOU DON'T
SOUND YOUR AGE, YOU DON'T ACT YOUR AGE...

BINGO.

DAVID, WOULD YOU
PLEASE BE REASONABLE?

OH, SURE.

LITTLE DAVY WILL SIT
HERE LIKE A GOOD BOY

AND BE REASONABLE,

WHILE BIG ANNIE
TELLS HIM ALL ABOUT IT.

DAVID, HOW CAN I GET
THIS THROUGH YOUR HEAD?

I DON'T CARE ABOUT
YOUR AGE AT ALL.

WILL YOU STOP BEING INFANTILE?

ME? I'M BEING INFANTILE?

YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S BEING INFANTILE.

I'M INFINITELY MORE
MATURE THAN YOU ARE.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW IT FROM
THE WAY YOU'RE ACTING, DAVY.

OH, THAT'S VERY CLEVER.

SARCASM, THAT'S VERY CLEVER.

AND YOU CALL ME CHILDISH.

IF I HEAR ONE MORE THING
ABOUT AGE FROM YOU,

I AM GOING TO
SCREAM. GIVE ME THAT!

THAT'S GREAT. PUT IT IN THE
REFRIGERATOR. THAT SOLVES A LOT.

DAVID, I DIDN'T TURN THAT CLOCK
ON. IF YOU GIVE IT TO ME, I CAN...

I'LL TURN IT OFF. YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU... WHERE'RE YOU PUTTING...

HOLD IT!

WOULD YOU TWO
GROWN-UP, MATURE ADULTS

PLEASE HOLD IT DOWN,

SO WE TWO YOUNG,
ADORABLE CHILDREN

CAN, UH, GET SOME
SLEEP AROUND HERE

AND GROW UP TO BE
MATURE ADULTS LIKE YOU.

HOW COULD SUCH A STRAIGHTFORWARD,
INSIGHTFUL, YOUNG PERSON

BE THE DAUGHTER OF
SUCH A CHILDISH WOMAN?

YOU ARE RIGHT.
SHE HAS REALLY, UH,

UPPED MY CONSCIOUSNESS, DAVID.

NOW ALL WE HAVE
TO DO IS UP YOURS.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

MMM.

YOU KNOW, ANN, I FEEL THIS
HAS REALLY CLEARED THE AIR.

I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'VE
QUIETED THE CHILDREN.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE BOTH HERE.

I HAVE A LITTLE QUESTION THAT I'VE
BEEN WANTING TO ASK YOUR MOTHER.

AND I FEEL THE 4 OF US
SHOULD SHARE THESE THINGS.

AH, DAVID, ONE OF US
ISN'T READY TO SHARE.

SHARE WHAT?

THIS MAGIC MOMENT.

CARD TRICKS AT 1:30?

NO WONDER YOU'RE NOT
GETTING ANYWHERE WITH MOM.

IT'S JUST THAT I FEEL
THAT THE MOOD IS RIGHT,

AND WHEN OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS...

YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE DOOR.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

I SAW THE LIGHTS ON, I THOUGHT
MAYBE SOMEBODY WAS SICK.

NO, EVERYBODY
IS FINE, THANK YOU.

ARE YOU SURE? YEAH.

HERE. ONE OF THE KIDS
COULD HAVE THE FLU.

IT'S GOING AROUND YOU KNOW.

SHE'S WARM.

I'M OK. I'M OK.

SHE'S OK.

HEY, HEY! PERRY MASON JUNIOR.

BOY, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.

I'M FINE, SCHNEIDER.

WELL, I, UH, BROUGHT YOU SOME CHICKEN
SOUP, YOU MAY AS WELL SERVE IT UP.

UH, THANKS. GOOD
NIGHT, SCHNEIDER.

YOU KNOW, ON A COLD NIGHT,

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A NICE,
HOT CUP OF CHICKEN SOUP.

SO I BROUGHT YOU
2 CHICKEN NOODLES.

AND A CHICKEN RICE.

JUST LIKE GRANDMA USED TO BUY.

OK, I DON'T FIX SOUP,

BUT THE GALLOPING
GOURMET, HE DON'T FIX TOILETS.

SCHNEIDER, DON'T YOU EVER SLEEP?

HUH, SLEEP?

ANN, COULD I HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU?

SUPERS NEVER SLEEP.

WE ARE AMONG THOSE NOBLE BREEDS

WHO STAY UP EVEN
IN THE BLACK OF NIGHT.

WONDERFUL.

AWAITING THE CALL OF A
FELLOW MAN IN DISTRESS.

HEARTWARMING.

LIKE YOUR DOCTOR, YOUR FIREMAN,
AND YOUR TRIPLE "A" TOW TRUCK DRIVER.

SCHNEIDER, I'M TRYING TO SAY
SOMETHING TO ANN AND THE GIRLS.

WOULD YOU MIND
PLEASE? YOU SIT DOWN.

SOUP REALLY SOUNDS VERY GOOD.

I DON'T MIND SOME HOT CHOCOLATE.

SIT DOWN. WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS.

I BELIEVE IN THE WARM, THE
HUMAN, THE PERSONAL APPROACH.

YOU WILL NEVER FIND
DWAYNE SCHNEIDER

USING A... A CLOSED
CIRCUIT SECURITY SYSTEM.

IT'S TOO IMPERSONAL.

WOULD ANYBODY LIKE
TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE...

DO WE HAVE ANY MARSHMALLOWS?
WHY DO YOU NEED MARSHMALLOWS FOR?

IF YOU WANT SOUP, I
WANT HOT CHOCOLATE.

I HAVE NO TENANTS.

I JUST HAVE FRIENDS.
AND THEY CAN REST WELL

BECAUSE DWAYNE
SCHNEIDER IS INDEED AWAKE.

I WANT TO MARRY YOU!

WHICH ONE OF US
IS HE LOOKING AT?

YOU GAVE ME COURAGE TONIGHT,

BECAUSE YOU ADMITTED
THAT YOU LOVE ME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WHAT KIND OF A WAY IS
THAT TO PROPOSE TO A GIRL?

SCHNEIDER, WOULD YOU...
YOU TAKE A GIRL OUT TO DINNER,

WITH CANDLE LIGHT.

YOU HAVE A FEW DRINKS,

AND YOU TAKE HER HOME.

YOU PUT YOUR ARMS

AROUND HER.

I JUST DID ALL THAT.

NOW WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE?

WHEN YOU PROPOSE TO A
GIRL, YOU GIVE HER CHAMPAGNE,

NOT CHICKEN SOUP.

YOU GAVE HER THE SOUP!

MS. ROMANO,

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY
CONSIDERING WAYNE NEWTON HERE?

I MEAN, HOW COULD
YOU MARRY A MAN

WHO MIGHT PASS
AWAY AT ANY MOMENT

FROM MASSIVE DIAPER RASH?

WANT SOME CHICKEN SOUP?

SCHNEIDER, IF YOU DON'T
GET OUT OF HERE IMMEDIATELY,

I'M GOING DOWNSTAIRS

AND SCRATCH THE CUSTOM
MURAL ON YOUR CAMPER!

I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU.

BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT,

YOU'RE BLOWING IT.

ALL RIGHT, ANN, COME
ON. WHAT'S YOUR DECISION?

I REALLY DON'T THINK WE SHOULD BE
TALKING ABOUT THIS IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS.

SURE WE SHOULD!
HEY, LISTEN, I THINK

THAT IT'S PERFECTLY HEALTHY
FOR KIDS TO BE, UH, PRESENT

WHEN THEIR PARENTS
DECIDE TO GET MARRIED.

I THINK EVERYTHING
SHOULD BE OPEN HERE.

SURE, DAVID, I AGREE...

YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!

LOOK, ANN, I... I... I PLANNED
A TERRIFIC EVENING TONIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED, IT ALL WENT WRONG.

BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

ALL I DID WAS PROPOSE,

AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ANSWER
ME, YOU'RE GONNA MARRY ME OR NOT?

UH, DAVID... MOM, I DON'T...

WOULD YOU STAY OUT OF THIS?

I WANT YOU TO CALM DOWN.
I WANT YOU TO GO HOME.

I'M NOT GOING HOME!

I'LL STAY HERE AND THINK.
YOU'RE GOING HOME, DAVID.

WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE
OUGHT TO DO, SQUIRT?

DON'T ASK ME. WHAT DO I
KNOW ABOUT MARRIAGE?

I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN
PROPOSITIONED YET.

I ASKED YOU A SIMPLE QUESTION,
ALL IT REQUIRES IS A SIMPLE ANSWER.

AH, DAVID, IT'S NOT SIMPLE!

LOOK, IT'S 2:00 IN THE
MORNING, I'M EXHAUSTED,

WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

OK, I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

THINK ABOUT IT.

TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.

YOU'VE GOT ONE WEEK.

THAT GOES FOR ALL
OF YOU. ONE WEEK.

MOM, HOW COME
YOU'RE STILL AWAKE?

COULDN'T SLEEP.

I COULDN'T SLEEP, EITHER.

HAVE YOU BEEN
THINKING ABOUT DAVID?

WHAT ELSE? HEY,
YOU WANT SOME SOUP?

OK.

GRAB YOURSELF A CUP.

YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE WEEK.

MMM-HMM. A WHOLE WEEK TO WORRY.

WELL, DAVID SAYS
YOU LOVE HIM. DO YOU?

YES, I DO.

WELL, THEN WHY ARE
WE STAYING UP ALL NIGHT?

HONEY, IT'S NOT
THAT KIND OF LOVE.

IT'S A FRIENDLY KIND OF LOVE.

YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T MAKE YOU
QUIVER WITH HOT, SEXY DESIRE.

MOM, DID YOU EVER REALLY
FEEL THAT KIND OF LOVE?

YES, I DID, ONCE.
WITH YOUR FATHER.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S
NOT THE ANSWER.

I MEAN, YOU GOT DIVORCED.

SO, OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT
AN EXPERT ON LOVE, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

THERE'S SOMETHING
I WANT TO ASK YOU.

HOW DID YOU AND DAD GET
TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

WE MET.

GREAT BEGINNING. THEN WHAT?

OH, HONEY, YOU MEET BOYS.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T MARRY 'EM.

COME ON. DID YOU HEAR MUSIC?

THAT WAS IT.

SEE, HIS '53 CHEVY
HAD A HORN THAT WENT:

MOM, YOU'RE BEING EVASIVE.

TELL ME WHAT IT WAS THAT HE
HAD THAT ATTRACTED YOU TO HIM.

OH, YOU REALLY WANT TO
KNOW THE SORDID DETAILS.

WELL, WHAT IT WAS, WAS, UH, HIS

EARS.

HIS EARS?

YES, HIS EARS.

I EVEN HAD NAMES FOR THEM.

WHAT NAMES?

FORGET IT. IT'S SILLY.

NO, REALLY, WHAT'D YOU
CALL 'EM? HOT AND COLD?

NO, DARLING. AS A MATTER OF
FACT I CALLED THEM TICKLE AND BITE.

"TICKLE AND BITE"?

YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME BARF, MOM?

COME ON, TELL ME THE TRUTH.

WHY DID YOU MARRY DAD?

WELL,

HE SEEMED TO BE ALL
THE THINGS I WASN'T.

HE WAS, UH, SURE OF HIMSELF,

WISE, PRACTICAL.

HE SEEMED TO BE
VERY UNDERSTANDING.

AND ONE THING I KNOW,

I WAS NEVER MORE CONFIDENT
OF ANYTHING IN MY LIFE

THAT I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING

THAN WHEN I MARRIED YOUR FATHER.

EXCEPT WHEN I DIVORCED HIM.

MOM, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED
TO KNOW WHEN IT'S REAL?

I DON'T KNOW, BABY.

HOW COULD ANYTHING THAT
RIGHT TURN OUT TO BE SO WRONG?

YOU SEE, THAT'S WHY I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO DAVID.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO
GO, UH, THAT WRONG, AGAIN.

MOM. YES?

YOU LIKE DAVID'S EARS?

NO, BUT I KIND OF
DIG HIS EYEBROWS.

YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT I GUESS
I'M REALLY TRYING TO SAY IS

DOES DAVID TURN YOU ON?

YEAH.

IT'S GONNA BE A LONG WEEK.

MMM-HMM.

THIS TIME OF THE NIGHT?

GUESS WHO?

OH, AH, DAVID, YOU
SAID I'D HAVE A WEEK.

IT'S ONLY BEEN A FEW HOURS.

SEEMED LIKE A WEEK TO ME.

AH, THE TRUTH IS
THAT I COULDN'T SLEEP,

AND WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP,

I LIKE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE,

AND, AH, THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU
CAN FIND AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT

IS, UH, AT THE
GREYHOUND BUS STATION.

UH, AND WHILE I WAS THERE,

I TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY OF
BUYING YOU SOME PRESENTS.

A PACKET OF SEEDS FOR
GROWING YOUR OWN SPONGES.

COOL. I LOVE SPONGES.

UH, GENUINE JAPANESE GEISHA
DOLL, MADE BY HOPI INDIANS,

CERAMIC ASHTRAY THAT
SAYS "INDIANAPOLIS 500" IN IT.

DAVID... WAIT,
THERE'S MORE, MORE.

AND A GENUINE PLASTIC
AND GLASS WEDDING RING

FOR WHICH I HAD
TO BUY 42 GUM BALLS.

DAVID, PLEASE...

I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT, UH,

BUS DRIVERS CAN IN FACT MARRY
PEOPLE ON, UH, EXPRESS ROUTES.

DAVID, I'M ALL, UH,
TWISTED AROUND.

HEY, LOOK, I'M NOT PUTTING ANY
PRESSURE ON YOU HERE, YOU KNOW.

YOU STILL HAVE A WHOLE WEEK.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D CHECK
IN EVERY COUPLE OF HOURS,

SEE HOW YOU WERE COMING ALONG.

DAVID?

HAVE I SLEPT A WHOLE WEEK?

BARBARA, UH, LOOK, WOULD
YOU GO BACK TO BED, PLEASE?

DAVID, UH, LOOK, I... I...

I CAN'T, UH, THINK STRAIGHT.

WHY DO YOU HAVE
TO THINK STRAIGHT?

WHAT DOES THINKING STRAIGHT
HAVE TO DO WITH GETTING MARRIED?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

YOUR EYEBROWS.

THEY SURE ARE A LOT
SEXIER THAN HIS EARS.

WHAT'S SHE TALKING ABOUT?

AH, NOTHING.

DAVID, LOOK, YOU ARE VERY SWEET,

AND, UH, I APPRECIATE ALL,
UH, THE PRESENTS, REALLY,

BUT, UH, I, UH, I'M SO TIRED,

I CAN'T THINK
ANYMORE TONIGHT, OK?

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT TOMORROW.

UH, I'M GOING TO BED.

WOULD YOU GIRLS PLEASE
GO TO BED AND LOCK UP, OK?

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

WANT SOME CHICKEN SOUP?

NO, THANKS, I'M UP
TO HERE IN GUM BALLS.

SAY, UH, CAN I ASK
YOU GUYS SOMETHING?

SURE. WHY NOT?

LISTEN, UH, I LOVE YOUR MOTHER,

AND SHE LOVES ME. I KNOW THAT.

AND ALSO, I LOVE BEING
AROUND ALL YOU GUYS,

AND... AND YOU SEEM TO
LIKE HAVING ME AROUND.

YEAH, IT'S NICE TO
HAVE YOU AROUND.

RIGHT.

SO, UH, HOW ABOUT TELLING
YOUR MOTHER TO MARRY ME?

AH, DAVID, THAT'S
A LITTLE HEAVY.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT UP TO
US. IT'S MOM'S DECISION.

LISTEN, THERE'S A VERY PRACTICAL
SIDE TO THIS, YOU KNOW, UH,

UH, FACE IT, ANN HAS BEEN
HAVING TROUBLE MAKING ENDS MEET,

AND, UH, I MAKE A
PRETTY GOOD INCOME.

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I'M NOT
HOWARD HUGHES OR ANYTHING,

BUT I THINK THERE ARE SOME BASIC
NECESSITIES THAT I COULD CONTRIBUTE.

A CAR?

I WAS THINKING MORE
ALONG THE LINE OF BRACES.

UH, ALSO... ALSO I'M...

I'M, UH, VERY WELL EDUCATED,

I'M VERY LOGICAL, I'M
VERY UNDERSTANDING.

YOU GUYS COULD COME
TO ME WITH YOUR PROBLEMS.

I COULD HELP YOU
WITH YOUR HOMEWORK.

I KNOW A LOT ABOUT SPORTS.

AND, UH, ALSO, I WOULD
BE EXTREMELY LENIENT

IF SOMEONE WANTED TO STAY
OUT A LITTLE LATE ON A DATE.

SOUNDS LIKE A CAMPAIGN PROMISE.

I... I DIDN'T MEAN
IT TO. IT DID.

ALL I'M TRYING TO
SHOW YOU IS THAT

I'M MORE THAN JUST
ROMANTIC AND ENTERTAINING.

I'M ALSO VERY, VERY
FINANCIALLY SOUND,

AND, UH, I'M VERY LOGICAL
AND VERY PRACTICAL.

AND, DAMN IT, THAT IS
WHAT YOUR MOTHER NEEDS.

ME!

HE'S HEADING FOR THE BEDROOM!

HE'S GETTING DESPERATE!

ANN, YOU NEED ME, ANN...

CALL THE POLICE!

ANN, BE REASONABLE.
I'LL MARRY YOU FOR LOVE.

YOU MARRY ME FOR
PRACTICAL REASONS.

I CAN GIVE YOU
COMPANIONSHIP. NO MORE.

A SOUND FINANCIAL
FUTURE, ANN, PLEASE...

THERE'S SOMEBODY OUT THERE!

OH, NO!

OH, MY GOSH! SHH!

OK, OK. AH, I NEED A WEAPON.

WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR WEAPONS?

WE DON'T HAVE ANY WEAPONS.

OH, GOOD, MACE.

NO, NO, NO, HAIRSPRAY.

HE'LL NEVER KNOW.

STAY HERE AND BE QUIET, OK?

COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

DON'T SPRAY!

IT'S OK, IT'S SCHNEIDER.
GO BACK TO BED.

AH, SCHNEIDER, IT'S
NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

AND WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS GUY?

HE DOESN'T EVEN
TAKE OFF HIS TIE.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN
HOW TO MAKE LOVE? I.B.M.?

UH, SCHNEIDER, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, MS. ROMANO,

YOU SEE, I WAS IN... I WAS IN THE
BASEMENT SITTING UP ALERT FOR ANYTHING

THAT MIGHT THREATEN THE SAFETY
AND WELL BEING OF THE TENANTS

ENTRUSTED TO MY CARE, SEE?

WHEN I GOT THIS
SUDDEN, INTENSE CRAVING

FOR CHICKEN RICE SOUP.

AND YOU GAVE ME YOUR LAST CAN.

IN THE CUPBOARD. GOD LOVE YOU.

AH, YOU GOT ANY, UH, CRACKERS?

COOKIE JAR.

COOKIE JAR.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE CHEESE?

NO, NO, UH, CHEESE MAKES CURDS.

YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING.

MAKING LOVE WITH
YOUR CLOTHES ON.

I BET YOU GO TO THE
COURTROOM NAKED.

I'M WIPED OUT.

SO AM I.

ANN, I HAVE SHOWN YOU

THE ROMANTIC DAVID,

AND THE ENTERTAINING DAVID,

THE PRACTICAL DAVID,

AND THE PROTECTING DAVID.

YOU'VE SEEN IT ALL.

AND NOW I THINK I
DESERVE AN ANSWER.

ARE YOU GONNA
MARRY ME, YES OR NO?

DAVID, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MAN,

BUT THE ANSWER

IS NO.

I DON'T WANNA MARRY
ANYBODY RIGHT NOW.

I'M FURIOUS WITH YOU, ANN.

ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS.

BUT I UNDERSTAND.

SO WE'LL JUST FORGET
ABOUT MARRIAGE FOR NOW.

OK.

YOU WANNA FOOL AROUND?

YES.

NOW SHE SAYS YES.

THIS PROGRAM WAS
RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.