One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 1, Episode 3 - Jealousy - full transcript

Ann is jealous of her girls spending time with her ex-husband's girlfriend. Julie is jealous of her boyfriend's looks toward a cheerleader.

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪

♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BE SURE AT ALL ♪

♪ SO WHILE YOU'RE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪

♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪

♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪



♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE THERE'S
MUSIC PLAYING ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ♪

♪ WE'LL JUST TAKE
IT LIKE IT COMES ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

(all) ♪ BE KIND TO YOUR
WEB-FOOTED FRIEND ♪



♪ FOR A DUCK MAY BE
SOMEBODY'S MOTHER ♪

♪ THEY LIVE IN THE
DIRT AND THE SWAMP ♪

♪ AND WHERE EVER IT IS DAMP ♪

♪ NOW YOU MAY THINK
THAT THIS IS THE END ♪

♪ WELL, IT IS! ♪

[laughing]

CANDY, IT'S BEEN TERRIFIC.

I THINK YOU'RE TERRIFIC.

I HAD A GREAT AFTERNOON.

OH, IT WAS FANTASTIC. I
WANT YOU TO MEET MY MOM.

MOM!

MOM. SHE ISN'T HOME.

AND I HAD JUST THE PERFECT
INTRODUCTION. EXCUSE ME.

INTRODUCING, ALL THE WAY
FROM LOGANSPORT, INDIANA,

THE LEADING T.V. MODEL,
MY FATHER'S GIRLFRIEND,

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE
ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

UH, MOM? THIS... THIS
IS CANDY CRUTHERS.

AND YOU MUST BE
ANN. HOW DO YOU DO?

HI. I'M SORRY I WASN'T
HERE TO GREET YOU.

I WAS AT THE BEAUTY SHOP.

THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN
THEY CHANGE OPERATORS.

[Candy laughing]

ED SAID YOU HAD
A SENSE OF HUMOR.

MOM, WOULD YOU BELIEVE
IT? WE WENT TO THE CIRCUS.

AT OUR AGE. IT
WAS A GAS, REALLY.

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE
HAD A GREAT WEEKEND.

YOU HAVEN'T LOOKED LIKE THAT
SINCE YOU WERE 3 WEEKS OLD.

THAT WAS GAS, TOO.

OH, CANDY, DON'T FORGET.

YOU PROMISED TO TAKE
US TO THE LAKE NEXT WEEK.

WELL, NOW, THAT DEPENDS ON YOUR
FATHER. A-AND YOUR MOTHER, OF COURSE.

OH, SURE. ANYTIME.

WELL, I BETTER GO. I'M SO
GLAD I COULD FINALLY MEET YOU.

YOU HAVE 2 DELIGHTFUL DAUGHTERS,

AND THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY
ANGELS ALL WEEKEND.

UH-OH, YOU MUST'VE BROUGHT
BACK THE WRONG GIRLS.

I'M SORRY, THAT'S ALL THEY HAD.

GOODBYE, ANN. BYE, GIRLS.

BYE-BYE, CANDY.

OH, GOOD LUCK WITH JEFF.

YOU STILL GOING WITH JEFF?

NO. HEY, MOM, I MEAN
CANDY. WE'LL WALK YOU OUT.

♪ [kazoo playing]

COOCHIE, COOCHIE, COO.

[squeals]

THAT DOLL WITH THE GIRLS,

SHE LOOKS VERY FAMILIAR, BUT I
JUST CAN'T PLACE HER. WHO IS SHE?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
HAVE LOOKED AT HER FACE.

[chuckling]

HEY, MOM. ISN'T CANDY NEAT?

OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
DADDY DOING THE BUMP WITH CANDY.

SHE GOT YOUR FATHER TO DO THAT?

SURE, HE'S A NEW MAN
SINCE HE MET CANDY.

WELL, CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW DELIGHTED I AM.

UH, MOM. HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

OH, TERRIFIC! JUST TERRIFIC.

YESTERDAY I HAD A FANTASTIC
TIME CLEANING THE OVEN,

AND TODAY I CELEBRATED
BY SCRUBBING THE JOHN.

HELLO. HI, DAVID.

GREAT OUTFIT. NEIMAN MARCUS?

JULIE, WILL YOU STOP
TALKING ABOUT CANDY?

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY SENSITIVITY?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MOM'S JEALOUS.

JEALOUS?

OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I SWEAR I WENT TO CINCINNATI
THIS WEEKEND ON BUSINESS.

CROSS MY HEART.

JEALOUS OF WHAT?

UH, TEEN MAGAZINE SAYS THAT WHENEVER
AN EX-HUSBAND GOES OUT WITH SOMEBODY,

IT PRODUCES AN ANXIETY SYNDROME.

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S
SOMEBODY LIKE CANDY.

TEEN MAGAZINE, YET? WHEN DID
YOU GRADUATE FROM BOY'S LIFE?

OK, COME ON, GO GET CLEANED
UP. I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

BEEF STROGANOFF.

BEEF STROGANOFF?
MOM, WE'RE UP TO HERE

WITH POPCORN, COTTON
CANDY AND HOT DOGS.

AND A BURRITO.

YOU WANT US TO BARF?

STUPID MOM. TRIED TO TOP A
BURRITO WITH STROGANOFF.

WHO'S CANDY?

CANDY CRUTHERS, ED'S GIRLFRIEND.

CANDY CRUTHERS. WAIT A MINUTE.

OF COURSE. OH, SHE'S
THE ONE THAT DOES THAT...

HEY, NO WONDER YOU'RE JEALOUS.

I'M NOT JEALOUS,
DAVID. DOES WHAT?

THAT T.V. COMMERCIAL.

CANDY?

YEAH, YOU KNOW. YOU'VE SEEN IT.

SHE'S LYING ON THIS...
ON THIS CHAISE LOUNGE,

YOU KNOW, IN THESE
VELVET LOUNGING PAJAMAS,

AND SHE SORT OF
GOES LIKE THIS...

"HI, THERE.

"WANNA KNOW WHAT
MAKES MY MOTOR RUN?

RACEWAY SPARK
PLUGS." YOU'VE SEEN THAT.

THAT'S SUPPOSED
TO SELL SPARK PLUGS?

WELL, IT SOLD ONE. I, UH,
KEEP IT UNDER MY PILLOW.

[doorbell ringing]

[laughing]

OH.

SQUEEZE ME.

THAT DOLL WITH THE
GIRLS, I REMEMBER NOW.

SHE'S THE "SQUEEZE ME"
GIRL FROM TELEVISION.

SHE'S LAYING ON THIS
CHAISE LOUNGE, RIGHT?

SHE'S GOT ON
THESE SEXY P.J.'S, OK,

NOW SHE ROLLS OVER,

TAKES OUT AN
ORANGE AND SHE SAYS,

"SQUEEZE ME."

DON'T TELL ME, LET ME GUESS.

YOU BOUGHT AN ORANGE AND
YOU KEEP IT UNDER YOUR PILLOW.

ARE YOU KIDDING? WHAT,
DO YOU THINK I'M A FRUITCAKE?

OK, THE SPARK PLUG GOES,
BUT I'M KEEPING MY TEDDY BEAR.

MRS. ROMANO,

YOU KNOW THIS WOMAN?

UH, YEAH. SHE'S ED'S GIRLFRIEND.
SHE BROUGHT THE GIRLS HOME.

[chuckles]

THINGS ARE GOING, UH,
PRETTY GOOD FOR YOUR EX, HUH?

SCHNEIDER... [door bell ringing]

FOLD. I'LL GET IT.

HI... OH, HI. IT'S ME AGAIN.

JULIE LEFT THESE IN THE CAR.

CANDY, LET ME INTRODUCE
YOU. CANDY CRUTHERS...

HI, THERE. DAVID
KANE, ANN'S ATTORNEY.

DAVID KANE, ANN'S ATTORNEY.

I'M DWAYNE SCHNEIDER.
I'M THE SUPER BUILDING.

I'M... I'M... I'M THE,
UH, BUILDING SUPER.

UH, LISTEN, IF YOU
EVER NEED, UH,

ANY LEGAL ADVICE, YOU KNOW,

JUST FEEL FREE
TO GIVE ME A CALL.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, IF YOU
NEED YOUR STEAM PIPES FIXED, OR, UH,

YOU KNOW,
DISPOSALS, TOILETS... HI!

[mumbling]

YOU FORGOT THE
MAKEUP. OH, THANKS.

REMEMBER, YOU PUT THOSE
EYELASHES ON, JUST LIKE I SHOWED YOU,

AND TRISH WILL
EAT HER HEART OUT.

TRISH?

TRISH THE DISH.
JEFF'S GIRLFRIEND.

THAT'S WHAT SHE THINKS.

CANDY, YOU HAVE SAVED
MY LIFE, MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT
OF HIGH SCHOOL SO LONG,

THAT I'VE FORGOTTEN
HOW YOU FEEL.

WELL,

I REALLY GOT TO GO THIS TIME.

GOODBYE.

SURE NICE MEETING YOU, GUYS.

AH, THE PLEASURE
IS ALL MINE, REALLY.

OH, AND BY THE WAY,

AH, JUST IN CASE YOU FALL OFF YOUR
CHAISE LOUNGE, WANT TO SUE SOMEBODY, UH,

MY CARD. YOU CAN ALWAYS
REACH ME RIGHT HERE.

OH, THANK YOU.

UH, I'M ALL OUT OF MY CARDS.

I-I-IF YOU WANNA
REACH ME, JUST...

BUT WAIT, I'M NOT GONNA
GIVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER.

PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER PHONE
NUMBERS. IF YOU WANNA CALL ME,

JUST DIAL, "ALL LOVE."

A-L-L L-O-V-E.

RIGHT, GOT YOU.

WELL, UH, THANKS.
GOODBYE, EVERYONE.

WE'LL WALK YOU TO THE ELEVATOR.

REMEMBER, A-L-L L-O-V-E.

"ALL LOVE."

I, UH, COME TO THINK OF IT, I THINK I
GOT A BUSINESS CARD IN MY TOOL CHEST.

SCHNEIDER IS AMAZING. DID
YOU HEAR THAT? "ALL LOVE."

ANN. ANN.

[whistling]

SHE IS NICE, ISN'T SHE?

WELL, YEAH. THE GIRLS
REALLY SEEM TO LIKE HER.

I DIDN'T SAY THEY DIDN'T.

I DIDN'T SAY YOU
DIDN'T SAY THEY DIDN'T.

TOUCHY, TOUCHY.

COME ON, KID. HELP ME
PRACTICE WITH THESE EYELASHES.

UH, JULIE, UH, ABOUT JEFF? I, UH, THOUGHT
YOU DUMPED HIM A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

HE DUMPED HER.

HE DID NOT!

THEN HOW COME HE'S TAKING
TRISH THE DISH OUT SATURDAY NIGHT?

UH, "TRISH THE DISH?"

SOME DUMB CHEERLEADER.
YOU KNOW, A POM-POM GIRL.

WITH POM-POMS OUT TO HERE.

MOM, I TOLD YOU ABOUT HER.

I BARED MY WHOLE SOUL TO
YOU AND YOU DON'T EVEN LISTEN.

YOU'RE A TYPICAL PARENT.

MAYBE IT WAS CANDY I TOLD.

FORGET IT. IT
DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

JULIE, I...

THE BOTTOM LINE
OF THE SOAP OPERA IS

JEFF DUMPED HER FOR TRISH AND CANDY'S
GONNA CHANGE HER INTO A NEW WOMAN

TO WIN HIM BACK.
MIRACLE OF THE AGES.

OH, DIO MIO, WHAT
HAVE I DONE WRONG?

JULIE, DON'T YOU KNOW
YOU'RE A KNOCKOUT?

KNOCKOUT? YEAH.

WITH THIS UGLY HAIR? A BODY
YOU COULD USE TO PICK A LOCK.

MA, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

DAVID, EXPLAIN IT TO HER. YOU
STILL REMEMBER HIGH SCHOOL?

(Barbara) JULIE, COME
ON. TAKE IT EASY.

YEAH, DAVID, EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

OH, ANN. YOU KNOW KIDS.

OH, WELL. NOT AS WELL AS
YOU AND CANDY DO, OBVIOUSLY.

[groaning]

CANDY SEEMS TO BE
A DELIGHTFUL PERSON,

AND I'M GLAD SHE'S SO
FRIENDLY WITH THE GIRLS.

OH, REALLY? SURE, WHY NOT?

WELL, I MEAN IT WOULD
BE PERFECTLY NORMAL

IF YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BIT
JEALOUS OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP.

YOU KNOW, DAVID, YOU SEEM
TO HAVE JEALOUSY ON THE BRAIN.

IF CANDY CAN COMMUNICATE
WITH THEM, MORE POWER TO HER,

I'M DELIGHTED. IT'S THE LAST
THING I'D GET UPTIGHT ABOUT.

MOM, I WANTED TO
APOLOGIZE FOR BEING...

GREAT! JUST GREAT!

YOU LEFT THE TOP OFF AND
NOW THE GINGER ALE IS FLAT!

EVERY BOTTLE IN THAT
REFRIGERATOR IS FLAT.

I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE
TO PAY FOR ANYTHING,

BUT AT LEAST YOU COULD BE A
LITTLE RESPONSIBLE AROUND HERE!

OK, I ADMIT IT. I LEFT THE TOP
OFF THE GINGER ALE. BIG DEAL.

HEY, MOM. I CAME HERE TO
APOLOGIZE FOR SHOUTING AT YOU.

I'M REALLY SORRY
THAT I SHOUTED AT YOU.

UH, REALLY, MOM, I'LL, UH,
BUY ANOTHER GINGER ALE.

WANNA FOOL AROUND?

SHUT UP, DAVID.

IN THAT CASE, I'LL, UH, SETTLE
FOR A LITTLE STROGANOFF.

AH, DIO MIO. WHAT AM I DOING?

[laughs]

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, DAVID,
YOU WERE RIGHT. I AM JEALOUS.

EVER SINCE CANDY WALKED IN,
I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE SONA IDIOTA.

THAT'S A NORMAL REACTION.

DAVID, ED AND CANDY GET TO TAKE
THE GIRLS OUT AND HAVE ALL THE FUN,

AND WHEN THEY COME
HOME I GET TO SAY,

"CLEAN YOUR ROOM, DO YOUR
HOMEWORK, SCRUB YOUR FACE."

JULIE HAS PROBLEMS WITH HER BOYFRIEND.
SHE'S HURT. DOES SHE COME TO ME ABOUT IT?

NO, SHE WANTS THE CONFIDENCE OF
SOME... SOME PUBLIC ORANGE SQUEEZER.

GOOD, VENT YOUR
SPLEEN. GET IT ALL OUT.

ED DID THIS TO ME ON PURPOSE.

HE PICKED A YOUNG, LIKEABLE,
GORGEOUS GIRL JUST TO GET BACK AT ME.

THAT'S HELPFUL.
LAY IT OFF ON HIM.

AH, YOU'RE A TERRIFIC HELP. I
KNOW WHERE YOUR MIND IS AT.

[huskily] HI, THERE.

SQUEEZE MY SPARK PLUG.

[moaning]

TRIPLE PLAY.

CANDY TO ED TO DAVID.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH CANDY OR ED OR YOU.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING?

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND, DO YOU?
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, ANN?

ME? I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

I HAVE 2 DAUGHTERS WHO'D RATHER
SPEND THEIR TIME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN,

I WOULDN'T CALL THAT A PROBLEM.

REMEMBER ME, ANN? I'M THE
MAN WHO HANDLED YOUR DIVORCE.

AND I SEEM TO RECALL THAT ALL
YOU WANTED OUT OF THAT DIVORCE

WAS THOSE 2 CHILDREN.

AND THAT THEY MADE THE
DECISION TO LIVE WITH YOU.

WELL, THEY'RE YOURS NOW, AND
THEY'RE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

OH!

SOMETIMES I WISH THEY WEREN'T.

AW!

DAVID, SEE?

I WANNA BE THE
GOOD GUY SOMETIMES.

I WANNA BE CANDY CRUTHERS,
AND GET TO DO ALL THE FUN STUFF,

AND BE NICE ALL THE TIME.

SO BE THE GOOD GUY.

I CAN'T. I'VE GOT TO
BE ANNIE ROMANO,

THE DRUDGE, THE VILLAIN,
THE HARPY, THE SHREW.

PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER,
THEY SPELL "MOTHER."

MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT?

[clears throat]

NOW THEN, MS. ROMANO,

ISN'T IT TRUE THAT YOUR
MOTHER, ON OCCASION,

WOULD YELL AT YOU FOR
NO APPARENT REASON?

AND FURTHERMORE, DID SHE OR DID SHE
NOT NAG YOU UNTIL IT DROVE YOU CRAZY?

OF COURSE.

AND YOU HATED HER
FOR IT, DIDN'T YOU?

OH, SOMETIMES...

MS. ROMANO, COME NOW.
THAT HARPY, THAT SHREW.

YOU CERTAINLY COULDN'T
HAVE LOVED HER, COULD YOU?

OK.

I UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE HAD TO DO.

SHE WAS A MOTHER, AND IT
CAME WITH THE TERRITORY.

SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE DAUGHTER.

THE PERSECUTION RESTS.

I, UH, I GOT TO GO
TALK TO THE GIRLS.

I GOT TO SPLIT. UH,
NEEDS A LITTLE MORE SALT.

[laughing]

SEE, I HAVE MANY OTHER CLIENTS
TO CONSOLE WITH PROBLEM CHILDREN.

UH, THE KING FAMILY,
THE OSMOND FAMILY,

PAT BOONE.

OK.

[sniffling]

IT'S NOT MOM'S FAULT, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, THAT'S EASY
FOR YOU TO SAY.

YOU'RE A BABY. WITH THAT ROUND
FACE AND YUCKY LITTLE NOSE.

YOU'RE PARANOID. DID YOU EVER STOP
AND THINK ABOUT ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF?

MOM'S BEEN HAVING A BAD
TIME. SHE'S DOWN ON HERSELF.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU
CAN'T RELATE TO THAT.

JUST WHAT I NEED,
A SHRUNK SHRINK.

WELL, WE HAVEN'T HELPED MUCH
WITH OUR BIG PLAY TO CANDY.

CAN'T YOU SEE CANDY'S YOUNGER
AND SUCCESSFUL AND PRETTIER?

JUST LIKE TRISH THE DISH.

TRISH IS ONLY 6 MONTHS YOUNGER.

AND 6 CUPS BIGGER.

YEAH, NOW I KNOW
HOW GOODRIDGE FEELS,

WITHOUT THE BLIMPS.

HOW DOES THIS EYELASH LOOK?

OH, JUST GREAT, IF YOU WANNA
KEEP THE SUN OFF YOUR NOSE.

[knocking on door]

HI. HI, MOM.

WELL,

I'M BACK.

BLAST OFF WAS A LITTLE VIOLENT,

BUT THE, UH, RE-ENTRY
IS NORMAL, I THINK.

SURE, MOM, WE UNDERSTAND.

WE? HUH!

JULIE.

SURE, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT OUR FEELINGS.

JULIE, LOOK.

I MADE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF, OK?

I ADMIT THAT.

I'M SORRY.

OK.

LOOK, I'M REALLY PLEASED IF
CANDY CAN HELP YOU WITH JEFF...

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S AN EYELASH. I WAS JUST
TRYING IT ON. IS THAT A CRIME?

JULIE, ALL I SAID
WAS, "WHAT'S THAT?"

COME ON, JULIE.

PARDON ME, LADIES.

SCHNEIDER, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN THE BEDROOM?

WELL, THERE WAS NOBODY
IN THE LIVING ROOM.

LOOK, MRS. ROMANO,

THERE'S THIS
SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING CHARACTER.

VERY SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING
CHARACTER,

AND HE'S CREEPIN'
AROUND DOWNSTAIRS, SEE?

AND HE WANTS TO TRY TO FIND
OUT IF YOU PEOPLE ARE HOME.

NOW, AS THE BUILDING SUPER, IT'S MY
JOB, YOU KNOW, TO PROTECT YOU PEOPLE.

(Ann and Barbara) WHAT
SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER?

CREEPY LOOKING GUY. HE'S GOT
LONG HAIR, AND CRUDDY BLUE JEANS,

HE'S GOT A BAGGY
T-SHIRT WITH A RABBIT ON IT.

A RABBIT? THAT'S JEFF. MOM, WHAT'S
HE DOING HERE? WHAT DOES HE WANT?

WELL, HE SAID HE WANTS TO CHECK
OUT SOME HOMEWORK. I'LL GET RID OF HIM.

NO, NO, SEND HIM UP.
NO, NO, DON'T SEND HIM UP.

SEND HIM UP SLOWLY.

(both) SEND HIM UP SLOWLY?

OH, WHERE'S MY LIPSTICK,
WHERE'S MY EYELASH?

OH, BABY, HONEY, TAKE IT EASY, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO USE THAT STUFF, REALLY.

TRISH THE DISH USES IT, MA.

DOES THE WORLD NEED
ANOTHER TRISH THE DISH?

CANDY IS A MODEL. SHE
KNOWS WHERE IT'S AT.

CANDY IS ALSO 10 YEARS
OLDER THAN YOU ARE.

AH, BABY, ANYWAY YOU'RE
NOT GONNA BE ON T.V.

OH, YEAH? I AM, TOO. THE NEWS.

"JILTED WOMAN DROWNS HERSELF.

BECAUSE HER MOTHER WANTS
HER TO LOOK LIKE A VESTAL VIRGIN."

FILM, AT 11:00.

YOU KEEP QUIET, SHRIMP.

[doorbell rings]

MY, GOD, MOM. THAT'S
HIM. STALL HIM, PLEASE.

BUT, HONEY, IF YOU WOULD
JUST NOT USE THIS STUFF. IT WAS...

PLEASE. PLEASE, MA,
PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?
MY CHEST HAS GOT A COLD.

SHE'S TRYING TO LOOK
LIKE TRISH THE DISH.

STOP THAT.

YOU HAVE GOT A GREAT BODY.

YEAH, NEXT TO TRISH, I
LOOK LIKE A Q-TIP WITH EYES.

[yelling]

BARBIE.

WHY DID I HAVE TO INHERIT
EVERYTHING FROM DAD?

THERE, SIT DOWN.

WELL, AREN'T YOU
GONNA TELL HER I'M HERE?

OH, YEAH.

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

YOU... NO.

I'M GONNA GO TELL HER.

JULIE, JEFF'S HERE.

TOLD HER.

UH, JEFF SEE WHAT'S
PROBABLY HAPPENING IS SHE'S,

UH, CHECKING SOME NOTES.

WELL, UH, TO BE HONEST, I
JUST WANTED TO SEE HER.

I KIND OF USED THE
HOMEWORK FOR AN EXCUSE.

OH?

IS JULIE MAD AT ME?

NO, JEFF, I'M SURE SHE ISN'T.

WELL, I DON'T THINK
SHE WAS REAL THRILLED

WHEN I STARTED DATING TRISH.

TRISH?

SHE'S A CHEERLEADER.

I LIKE HER, BUT SHE'S NOT REAL.

SHE WEARS ALL THIS GUNK.

YOU KNOW, CHERRY LIPSTICK,
STRAWBERRY SHAMPOO, LEMON DEODORANT.

IT'S LIKE GOING OUT
WITH A FRUIT SALAD.

UH, JEFF.

OH, HI, BARBIE.
WHAT'S KEEPING JULIE?

UH, SHE'S CLEANING
UP. SHE'S BEEN, UM,

SCULPTING.

AH, JEFF, YOU WANT
SOMETHING TO DRINK?

YEAH, WE GOT FLAT GINGER ALE.

NO, THANKS.

UH, COME ON, JEFF. HAVE SOMETHING
TO EAT. WE'VE GOT SOME CAKE.

IS SOMETHING GOING ON?

LOOK, IF SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO SEE ME, I MEAN, THAT'S OK.

HI, JEFF.

[chattering]

I FORGOT MY NOTE
BOOK. I'LL GO GET IT.

YOU GOT IT IN YOUR HAND.

OH, HOW DUMB.

LOOK, FORGET THE HOMEWORK.

I REALLY CAME BY TO ASK IF YOU
WANTED TO GO OUT SATURDAY NIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT TRISH?

AH, I BROKE IT OFF. SHE'S
OK, BUT SHE'S KIND OF PHONY.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT
YOU. YOU'RE SO REAL.

UH, JEFF.

IF WE'RE GONNA
START GOIN' OUT AGAIN,

I GUESS I MIGHT AS WELL
SHOW YOU HOW REAL I AM.

YOU'RE A CRAZY NUT.

MA,

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I TELL YOU, REALLY,

I GET AWFUL TIRED OF YOU
BEING RIGHT ALL THE TIME.

[mumbles]

(Jeff) I THINK I WILL HAVE
SOME OF THAT GINGER ALE.

OK, BUT I, UH, SAID IT WAS FLAT.

WELL, WE COULD ALWAYS
STUFF IT WITH KLEENEX.

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