One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 1, Episode 2 - Chicago Rendezvous - full transcript

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪

♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BE SURE AT ALL ♪

♪ SO WHILE YOU'RE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪

♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪

♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪



♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE THERE'S
MUSIC PLAYING ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ♪

♪ WE'LL JUST TAKE
IT LIKE IT COMES ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?



OH, AT LUNCHTIME SOMEBODY WHISTLED
AT SOMETHIN'. I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT.

THAT'S NOT IT.

WHAT'S MY BEST FEATURE?

YOU'RE SITTING ON IT.

REALLY?

IT ISN'T A COMPLIMENT, JULIE.

OH, YOU AND YOUR CHOPSTICKS.

I HAD MORE RICE IN MY
LAP THAN A NEW BRIDE.

OOH, HI, GIRLS.

UH, STEVE, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MY DAUGHTERS.

JULIE, BARBARA, THIS
IS MR. BLANCHARD.

HI. (Steve) HI.

HI, UH,

NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOUR DAUGHTERS.

WELL, THEY COULD JUST
AS WELL HAVE BEEN...

MY SISTERS. STEVE,

PLEASE, THAT IS THE
WORLD'S OLDEST LINE.

I LOVE IT.

NO, YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.
I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY THAT

HERE ARE 2 CHARMING, LOVELY,
MATURED, SOPHISTICATED...

(Ann) STEVE, PLEASE ENOUGH.

MA, LET HIM FINISH.

NICE TO MEET YOU, GIRLS.

AND, ANN, AS FOR YOU...

BYE.

WELL, UH, WHAT DO YOU
TWO GIRLS WANT FOR DINNER?

HOLD IT. WHO IS HE?

OH, JUST A GUY I MET.

OH, FANTASTIC.

WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN STASHING HIM?

LET'S SEE, YOU COULD HAVE
A HAMBURGER OR MEATLOAF.

MOTHER.

WHAT'S WITH THE KISS?

IT WASN'T A KISS, IT WAS A KISS.

IF YOU HADN'T BEEN HERE,
THEN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A KISS.

MOTHER.

OK, I HATE TO DISAPPOINT
YOU, BUT IT'S NO BIG MYSTERY.

I WAS OUT JOB-HUNTING, GOT HUNGRY,
DUCKED INTO A CHINESE RESTAURANT,

AND I MET HIM.

JUST LIKE THAT? WHO
INTRODUCED YOU?

NOBODY EXACTLY.

LOOK THERE WAS AN
EMPTY PLACE AT MY TABLE,

THE PLACE WAS CROWDED,
STEVE CAME OVER

AND INTRODUCED HIMSELF...

AND YOU GOT PICKED UP.

I WAS NOT PICKED UP.

OK, LET'S FACE IT.
PEOPLE DO GET PICKED UP.

MOTHERS ARE NOT PEOPLE.

MOM, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY?

HE COULD BE ANOTHER BOSTON
STRANGLER, MAYBE THE ZODIAC KILLER.

AIRLINE PILOT.

I KNEW IT. A GIRL
IN EVERY AIRPORT.

SHRIMP.

PLEASE LEAVE THE ROOM.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A WOMAN
TO WOMAN TALK WITH MOTHER.

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT MEN?

YOU'VE NEVER KNOWN HEARTACHE.
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE.

I MEAN YOU'RE TOO YOUNG!

YOU'VE NEVER EVEN
SEEN AN X-RATED MOVIE.

AND YOU HAVE?

HYGIENE ONE, MOM.

LOOK, JUST BECAUSE
YOU ARE OVER 30,

DOESN'T MEAN YOU
HAVE TO GET DESPERATE.

UH, LOOK, UH, YOU ARE
REALLY LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.

WHAT'S SO CATASTROPHIC ABOUT HAVING MOO
GOO GAI PAN AND A MARTINI WITH SOMEBODY?

BLESS ME, FATHER,
FOR I HAVE SINNED.

A MARTINI!

YOU GOT DRUNK AND PICKED UP!

[sighing]

NO, I GOT PICKED UP,
THEN I GOT DRUNK.

COME ON YOU GUYS,
I'M YOUR MOTHER.

I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF.

[groaning]

MOM, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THOSE BIG LECTURES YOU GAVE US?

"DON'T HITCHHIKE FROM SCHOOL.
DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS."

(Julie) TALK ABOUT
DOUBLE STANDARDS.

OUR MOTHER CAN GET
PICKED UP, WE CAN'T.

OH, WELL, YOU SEE IT'S
DIFFERENT. SHE'S A DIVORCEE.

[chuckles] JUST, UH, WHAT IS
THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

UH, WELL, EVERYBODY SAYS
DIVORCEES ARE, UH, HOT TO TROT.

WELL, MOM, THAT'S WHAT WE HEARD
SCHNEIDER TELLING THE GARBAGE MAN.

LET'S JUST, UH, COOL
THIS WHOLE THING, OK?

MOM, DON'T FEEL GUILTY.

LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAY TO US,
"LET'S LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES."

IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE.

I PICKED HIM UP ON PURPOSE.

YOU PICKED HIM UP!

TODAY. THE FIRST TIME HE PICKED
ME UP. TODAY I WAS THE LECH, OK?

THE FIRST TIME?

ALL RIGHT, SO WE'VE BEEN SEEING
EACH OTHER FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

[doorbell ringing]

LOOK, A NICE MAN COMES INTO MY
LIFE. HE'S PLEASANT, ATTRACTIVE,

A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST,

AND I DIG HIS VIBES.

HI, UH... HI, DAVID.

I JUST CAME BY TO SEE WHAT
YOU'RE, UH, HAVING FOR DINNER.

DAVID, WE'RE RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF A FAMILY CRISIS HERE.

SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

MOM GOT PICKED UP. BARBIE!

PICKED UP FOR WHAT?

MOO GOO GAI PAN AND A MARTINI.

BARBARA, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL
OUR FAMILY SECRETS TO THE WHOLE WORLD.

UH, TRANSLATION, PLEASE?

BRACE YOURSELF. ANNIE ROMANO
MET A MAN IN A RESTAURANT,

AN AIRLINE PILOT, AND
LET HIM BUY HER LUNCH.

♪ TA DA ♪

SO WHAT?

SO WHAT?

SHE LET SOME STRANGER
BRING HER HOME AND KISS HER.

OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

YOU LET A GUY BUY YOU LUNCH AND
DRINKS AND ALL HE GOT WAS A KISS?

DAVID, I THOUGHT
YOU LOVED MY MOTHER.

I DO. TELL HER TO MARRY ME AND
I'LL TAKE HER OFF THE STREETS.

COME ON, YOU GUYS
ARE TOO PROVINCIAL.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT MEN AND
WOMEN ANYMORE. IT'S PEOPLE NOW.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED,
EVEN IN THE INDIANAPOLIS.

FOR INSTANCE, YOU PLAY ON THE SCHOOL
BASKETBALL TEAM, YOU HITCHHIKE HOME.

WHAT?

JULIE, HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT...

MOM, IT WAS WITH HIM, HE
JUST HAPPENED TO COME BY.

WHEN HER THUMB WAS OUT.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, I ATE
MY BUS FARE FOR LUNCH.

BUT, UH, I WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN
A RIDE WITH ANYBODY EXCEPT

PETER KRAMER, FREDDIE, MAYBE
JOE. JUST MY LUCK DAVID CAME BY.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? AFTER
ALL WE'VE MEANT TO EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD USE A
LITTLE SANITY AROUND HERE.

WELL, ANN, THAT'S
WHAT LAWYERS ARE FOR.

HEY, HEY, I'LL DO THAT.

OOH, GOOD, BE MY GUEST.

I WILL MAKE YOU MY
MAGIC SALAD DRESSING.

WONDERFUL.

OH, DAVID, DAVID, DAVID,

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO
EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOUR KIDS?

WELL, BECAUSE AS MUCH
AS THEY THINK THEY HAVE,

THEY HAVEN'T REALLY MATURED YET.

YOU KNOW, THEY GET JEALOUS.

YOU KNOW KIDS.

WHAT AIRLINE DOES HE FLY FOR?

YOU KNOW, STEVE NEVER TOLD ME.

MUST HAVE BEEN AN
IN-DEPTH CONVERSATION.

[doorbell ringing]

OH, WE JUST TALKED
ABOUT A LOT OF,

YOU KNOW, SILLY THINGS.

[gasping] ROSES!

♪ [humming]

(Ann) OH!

SCHNEIDER, ARE THESE FOR ME?

YEAH.

I WAS IN THE BASEMENT, I
WAS CLEANING THE SUMP PUMP,

AND I JUST GOT TO
THINKING ABOUT YOU.

HOW ROMANTIC.

YEAH, I SAID TO
MY SELF, "DWAYNE,

"WHAT IS THE SECOND
MOST DESIRABLE THING

THAT I COULD OFFER MS. ROMANO?"

HOW ABOUT A
POSTCARD FROM PEKING?

THE HOUSE MOTHER.

YOU KNOW, SCHNEIDER, THESE ARE REALLY
VERY LOVELY, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

HE DIDN'T. HOUSE
MOTHERS NEVER LIE.

I SAW THE, UH, DELIVERY
BOY BRINGING THEM IN.

UH, THAT FIGURES.

WELL, ALL'S FAIR
IN LOVE AND WAR,

I'VE BEEN CLASSIFIED
1-A IN BOTH.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO CARD.
I WONDER WHO SENT THEM.

SOME GUY, STEVE. I
NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

AH, EXCUSE ME.

IT SAYS, "COME FLY
WITH ME, STEVE."

I'M JUST...

NEITHER HAIL NOR SLEET NOR GLOOM
OF NIGHT WILL DETAIN SCHNEIDER

FROM READING OTHER
PEOPLE'S MESSAGES.

HEY, UH, I'VE GOT MY
RESPONSIBILITIES TO MY TENANTS.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE YOUR, UH,
YOUR HATE MAIL, YOUR LETTER BOMBS,

ALL YOUR OBSCENE MESSAGES
RIGHT FROM "FLY WITH ME, STEVE."

HE DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
WHY AM I EXPLAINING THIS TO YOU?

WAIT TILL YOU SEE
WHAT CAME WITH IT.

DID YOU READ THAT, TOO?

ONLY BY ACCIDENT.

SCHNEIDER, WHAT DO
YOU MEAN BY ACCIDENT?

I WAS BREWING SOME TEA,
GOT IN THE WAY OF THE STEAM,

POPPED OPEN.

YOU KNOW, SCHNEIDER, IT
PROBABLY NEVER ENTERED YOUR HEAD,

BUT THERE ARE SOME
THINGS THAT ARE PRIVATE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE YOUR
LETTER BOMBS, YOUR HATE MAILS...

DAVID, THIS IS PERSONAL.

[chuckles] OH, IS IT EVER?

BUT, UH, IT IS OUR SECRET.

MY LIPS ARE SPACKLED.

OH, HEY, IT'S OK, ANN.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T
WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE.

WAS THAT AN AIRLINE TICKET?

FLIGHT 23, CHICAGO.

ARRIVING O'HARE AND
LEAVING LATE SUNDAY.

WELL, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET PICKED UP.

I COULD'VE BEEN A PILOT.

THEY THINK THEY ARE
GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN.

THAT WASN'T MY PROBLEM.

I HAD AN INNER EAR DISORDER.

EVERY TIME I FLEW OVER
2,000 FEET, MY EYES CROSSED.

VERY RARE MALADY.

WHICH REMINDS ME
MRS. RANSFORD IN 307,

SHE REPORTED A CLOGGED DRAIN.

PROBABLY GOT SOME
SCRAPS IN HER U-JOINT.

I, UH, I BETTER GET DOWN
THERE AND CLEAN IT UP.

UH, I'LL SOFTEN
HER UP WITH A ROSE.

♪ OFF WE GO INTO THE
WILD BLUE YONDER ♪

♪ FLYING HIGH INTO THE SKY ♪

YOU KNOW, UH, SCHNEIDER
HAS NO SENSITIVITY.

LET ME TAKE ONE LOOK AT YOU

AND KNOW THAT YOU WEREN'T
GONNA FALL FOR THAT STUFF.

I MEAN, ALL YOU WANTED
WAS SOMEONE TO RELATE TO,

NOT SPEND A WEEKEND WITH.

AH, HEY, LET'S TAKE
YOUR MIND OFF THIS.

WE DON'T WE, UH, GO TO A MOVIE?

NO, NOT NOW, DAVID.

OK, OK, UH, WHY DON'T
WE, UH, READ A BOOK?

NO, UH, LET'S JUST TALK.

DAVID, I'M JUST NOT IN THE
MOOD TO TALK RIGHT NOW.

HEY, OK, OK.

I'LL JUST, UH, SLIP DOWN TO THE
MONASTERY, TAKE MY VOW OF SILENCE.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

OH, HEY, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THIS GUY,

JUST, UH, CROSS
HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

[David laughing]

YOU KNOW, THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY,
A... A LAWYER WITH A VOW OF SILENCE.

NOT FUNNY.

GO TO CHICAGO.

DON'T GO TO CHICAGO.

GO TO CHICAGO.

DON'T GO TO CHICAGO?

DON'T GO TO CHICAGO.

GO TO CHICAGO.

[doorbell ringing]

WHO IS IT?

(David) UH, IT'S ME, DAVID.

YEAH, JUST A SECOND, DAVID.

SECOND'S UP.

OK, I'M COMING.

HI, I HOPE I DIDN'T GET
YOU OUT OF COURT?

OH, NO, IT'S OK, I
LOST EARLY TODAY.

[sighs]

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

UH, DAVID, I HAD TO TALK TO YOU.

YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON I COULD
TURN TO, WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND.

HEY, HEY, OF COURSE I
WILL. SURE. WHAT IS IT?

UH, WELL, I WAS AWAKE
MOST OF THE NIGHT,

WHEN STEVE SENT THAT TICKET,
WELL, IT BROUGHT UP A LOT FEELINGS

I-I'M NOT SURE I'M READY FOR.

I KNOW, I KNOW. HOW WELL I KNOW.

SEE, I THOUGHT I WAS IN CONTROL,

BUT, LIVING WITHOUT A
MAN IS NO EASY ADJUSTMENT.

I LOVE BEING WITH THE GIRLS,
BUT I ALSO NEED TO BE WITH A MAN.

OH, BELIEVE ME, I UNDERSTAND.

I NEED A MAN.

TRUST ME, I'LL BE GENTLE.

DAVID, I'M TALKING ABOUT
GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

TO CHICAGO.

CHICAGO'S FINE.

WITH STEVE.

WHAT DO WE NEED HIM FOR?

UH, DAVID, I'M TALKING ABOUT
GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND

TO CHICAGO WITH STEVE.

WHAT?

[chuckling]

[stuttering] UH, YOU, UH,
CHICAGO, UH, WITH STEVE.

YEAH.

OH, UH, HEY, UH... UH...

YOU, UH, IS THIS THE
RIGHT APARTMENT?

DAVID... WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME?

YOU'RE ASKING ME IF YOU
CAN RUN AWAY WITH THAT...

STEVE, YES.

ANN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU
KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU.

DAVID, YOU'RE NOT
MAKING THIS ANY EASIER.

WELL I'M NOT TRYING TO.

HEY, OK, OK, LOOK, I KNOW I
DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHTS HERE.

YOU KNOW, I'M JUST A GUY
WHO'S HUNG UP ON YOU.

WHICH OBVIOUSLY
DOESN'T MEAN A DAMN THING.

OH, DAVID, OF COURSE IT DOES.

I TREASURE OUR FRIENDSHIP.

I... I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO...
TO SPOIL WHAT WE HAVE BETWEEN US.

SO THAT'S WHY I THINK I
SHOULD GO AWAY WITH STEVE.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT GARBAGE
JUST CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

PLEASE BE REASONABLE. I
THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND.

WRONG!

OH, I MIGHT'VE KNOWN
YOU'D TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

ME, THE VILLAGE EUNUCH?

DAVID.

THAT'S IT, ANN!

I MEAN, IT IS TOTALLY ABSURD THAT
YOU SHOULD INVOLVE ME IN THIS.

HAVE YOU ANY CONCEPT OF
HOW LAUGHABLE THIS SITUATION IS?

DAVID, I WANT YOU
TO LISTEN TO ME.

I'VE ONLY KNOWN ONE MAN IN MY
ENTIRE LIFE. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN

I DON'T HAVE NORMAL DESIRES.

I THINK I'M HAVING
A HEART ATTACK.

I DON'T BELIEVE
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,

NOR CAN I BELIEVE
WHAT'S HAPPENING.

PLEASE, I'M A GOOD PERSON, I
HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE TO KEEP ME FROM
ENJOYING THIS WEEKEND. WHAT'S SO WRONG?

I MET A MAN. I MEAN,
UH, A NICE MAN.

HOW MANY OPPORTUNITIES DO I GET TO
MEET A NICE MAN? ALL I MEET ARE CREEPS.

THANK YOU, ANN.

NOW I KNOW WHERE I CREEP.

HEY, HEY, HEY,
HAVE YOUR JOLLIES.

GO AHEAD AND ENJOY
YOURSELF IN CHICAGO.

♪ CHICAGO, CHICAGO,
HERE I COME ♪

♪ CHICAGO, CHICAGO ♪

♪ [humming]

♪ CHICAGO, CHICAGO ♪
OUT TO LUNCH.

HI, MAMA.

LISTEN, I'M TALKING ABOUT
GOING AWAY FOR A NICE WEEKEND.

TO SEE SOME SHOWS,
HAVE A NICE DINNER...

SHOWS? DINNER? WHAT
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

[whispering] DAVID...

YOU'RE KIDDING YOURSELF.

THAT GUY IS A PILOT.

SHH.

THE TRAVELING
SALESMAN OF THE SKIES.

THE GUYS WHO REALLY
MOVE THEIR TAILS FOR YOU.

DAVID, I WILL CROSS THAT
BRIDGE WHEN I COME TO IT.

CROSS WHAT?

UH, GIRLS, YOU KNOW
HOW WE SHARE THINGS?

YEAH, SURE, HUH. MMM-HMM.

SURE. THIS ISN'T ONE OF THEM.

OK, OK, I DIDN'T THINK THE
FAMILY HOUR ENDED TILL 9.

[door slams]

AH, WHERE WAS I?

YOU WERE, UH, CROSSING THE BRIDGE
WHICH IS A NEW WAY OF DESCRIBING IT.

DAVID, DON'T JUDGE ME.

ALL I'M ASKING HERE IS
HELP IN MAKING A DECISION.

OK, YOU WANT MY ADVICE,
OK, I'LL BE THE THIRD PERSON.

I AM THE THIRD PERSON!

ALL RIGHT, OK, JUST THE SAME,

I WILL, UH, GIVE YOU MY
UNEMOTIONAL REACTION,

NOT AS A MAN WHO WANTS
YOU, UH, BUT AS YOUR ADVISOR,

LAWYER AND CASUAL FRIEND.

DON'T GO!

OH, YOU'RE GOING. HEY,
YOU'RE ALREADY PACKED.

IN OTHER WORDS THIS WHOLE BIG, "OH,
DAVID, I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE" THING

HAS BEEN A TOTAL CROCK.

I WAS SURE THAT YOU
WOULD UNDERSTAND.

OH, SURE, I'LL UNDERSTAND,
YOU KNOW, I'M A BIG BOY.

BUT, UH, WHAT'RE YOU
GONNA TELL THE GIRLS, HUH?

WHAT... WHAT SWEET
SMELLING LITTLE FANTASY

ARE YOU GONNA MAKE UP TO
COVER YOUR LITTLE PECCADILLO?

I'M NOT GONNA MAKE UP ANYTHING.
I'M GONNA TELL THEM THE TRUTH.

OH, ANN, I BELIEVE IN HONESTY AS
MUCH AS THE NEXT MAN, YOU KNOW,

BUT THERE'S A POINT...
NOT IN THIS FAMILY.

HEY, OK, GO AHEAD, GOOD
LUCK, ENJOY YOURSELF.

HEY, BUT LET'S GET ONE THING
STRAIGHT ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP, HUH?

I MAY BE YOUNG AND
I MAY TALK SOFTLY,

AND I MAY LOOK LIKE A PUSHOVER,

BUT IF YOU GET ON THAT PLANE...

[knocking on door]

HI.

UH, LOOK, I'M, UH, I'M SORRY
I HAD TO THROW YOU OUT,

BUT, UH, I HAD TO TALK TO DAVID.

THAT'S OK, MOM. THERE'S A LOT OF
THINGS WE DON'T TELL YOU EITHER.

UM, SIT DOWN, HUH?

UH-OH, IT'S A SIT-DOWNER.

UM, LOOK,

YOU HOW MUCH I, UH, I
LOVE YOUR COMPANY.

BUT, SOMETIMES I, UH...

UH, WHAT I AM
TRYING TO SAY IS, UH...

TO BEAT AROUND A BUSH OR TWO.

YEAH, RIGHT, OK.

CARDS ON THE TABLE.

WE HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO
BE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER,

AND I KNOW YOU'RE
GONNA UNDERSTAND.

UM, STEVE ASKED ME TO GO
AWAY WITH HIM FOR THE WEEKEND

AND I'M GOING.

HEY, GREAT, MOM.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.

BARBARA, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SHE'S GONNA SHACK UP.

NO.

UH,

NO, NO, I-I'M NOT
GONNA SHACK UP.

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?

I CALL IT GOING TO CHICAGO
TO HAVE A NICE TIME,

DANCE WITH A NICE MAN,
SEE SOME NICE SHOWS...

STAY IN A NICE HOTEL WITH HIM.

UH, LOOK, JULIE, I'M YOUR
MOTHER, DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

YEAH, JUST LIKE YOU TRUSTED ME

WHEN YOU WOULDN'T LET ME
GO BACKPACKING LAST WEEK.

JUST 'CAUSE THERE WERE 3
GUYS ON THE SAME MOUNTAIN.

LOOK, JULIE, I DID TRUST YOU.

IT WAS THE BOYS I
WASN'T, UH, SO SURE ABOUT.

[sighing]

WELL, CAN I HAVE THE
SAME OPTION WITH YOU?

NO! I AM 34 AND YOU'RE 16,
IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING.

IS IT?

YEAH, IT IS, BECAUSE I'M, UH,
OLD ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT.

WHAT ABOUT STEVE?

STEVE IS A MATURE MAN,
A TRUSTED AIRLINE PILOT.

MOM, YOU JUST CAN'T DO THIS.

I MEAN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
SET AN EXAMPLE FOR YOUR KIDS.

JULIE, BABY, I'M NOT GONNA, UH,

STAY WITH HIM.

THERE'S NO CHANCE,
NO CHANCE IN THE WORLD,

EITHER YOU GOTTA TO BELIEVE THAT

OR WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NO TRUST BETWEEN US.

[sighing]

THANKS.

YEAH?

OK.

UM, LOOK, UM, I GOT
TO GET TO THE AIRPORT.

UM, YOUR DAD'S GONNA COME BY TO
PICK YOU UP FOR THE WEEKEND ANYWAY.

SO IT'S ALL GONNA
WORK OUT, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT. OK.

BYE.

BYE-BYE, MAMA.

BYE, SWEETHEART. BYE, MOM.

TAKE CARE.

HAVE A GOOD TIME. YEAH. BYE.

BYE.

HEY, JULIE, YOU BELIEVE HER?

NOT FOR A MINUTE.

HI, SCHNEIDER, I, UH,
ORDERED A CAB. IS IT HERE YET?

ALL PACKED AND READY TO GO, HUH?

♪ WELL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO,
GONNA TURN IT INSIDE OUT ♪

♪ I'M GOING TO CHICAGO,
GONNA TURN THAT TOWN ♪

I'D RATHER YOU'D
STEAM OPEN MY MAIL.

NERVOUS, HUH?

WELL, THIS IS YOUR
FIRST TIME OUT.

HERE,

SIT DOWN.

LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.

SCHNEIDER, UH, PLEASE...

FIRST OFF, MS. ROMANO,

DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT.

YOU GOT CLASS.

HE SHOULD TAKE YOU DINING,
DANCING, MAYBE OVER TO THE LAKE,

TO SEE, UH, A BIG
BAND, A GIRL SINGER.

YOU KNOCK OFF A 5TH OF WHATEVER.

THEN HE CAN SCHLEP
YOU BACK TO THE MOTEL.

AND IT SHOULDN'T
BE JUST ANY MOTEL.

TAKE MY ADVICE,
STAY AT THE PIEDMONT.

THEY GOT EVERYTHING: WATER BEDS,

CLOSED CIRCUIT T.V.,
VIBRATING BACK SCRATCHERS.

BEST OF ALL, UH,

THEY ARE VERY,
VERY CLOSE TO THE EL.

SO NO MATTER WHAT YOU DOIN',
AIN'T NOBODY GONNA HEAR YOU.

WHAT, UH... WHAT DID
YOU TELL THE KIDS?

I TOLD THEM I WAS GOING AWAY
FOR THE WEEKEND WITH STEVE.

AND I AM, FOR A NICE,
PLATONIC WEEKEND.

PLATONIC? YEAH, THAT'S...
THAT'S A GREAT WORD.

SCHNEIDER.

HEY, LOOK, I KNOW
YOU GOTTA LIE TO THEM.

IT'S THE GAME OF LIFE.

I MEAN, WE ALL PLAY IT.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
IT'S GOOD FOR KIDS.

I MEAN YOUR... YOUR
LITTLE LIES NOW

HELP THEM FOR YOUR
BIG LIES LATER ON.

YOUR WATERGATES,
YOUR C. I. A., YOUR F. B. I.,

YOUR INCOME TAXES,
YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS.

[cab horn honking]

WELL, CAB'S HERE.

[sighs]

THANK YOU, SCHNEIDER.

[horn continues honking]

YOU HIT THAT HORN

ONE MORE TIME,

YOU GOT A HUBCAP FOR A DICKEY.

(female announcer) THIS PROGRAM
WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.