One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 1, Episode 15 - Dad Comes Back: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪

♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BE SURE AT ALL ♪

♪ SO WHILE YOU'RE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪

♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪

♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪



♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE THERE'S
MUSIC PLAYING ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ♪

♪ WE'LL JUST TAKE
IT LIKE IT COMES ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

[clearing throat]



(man #1) WHO'S THERE?

(man #2) HELLO. WHAT?
WHO'S OUT THERE?

[people chattering]

[people stop chattering]

NOW HEAR THIS.

NOW HEAR THIS.

THIS IS YOUR SUPER.

AND I'M ABOUT TO MOP MY FOYER.

ANYBODY WHO WISHES TO TAKE THEIR DOG
OUT FOR A WALK THIS SATURDAY MORNING

WILL KEEP 'EM ON A LEASH TILL
THEY GET 'EM OUT OF THE LOBBY.

ONCE OUTSIDE THEY
WILL MOVE FAST,

AND MAKE SURE THAT
ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS

HAPPENS IN FRONT OF
SOMEBODY ELSE'S BUILDING.

OVER AND OUT.

AH, YOU'RE OUT EARLY
THIS MORNING, COUNSELOR.

I WAS JUST GETTING THE PAPER.

JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANY
HELP WITH THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

I BET YOU'RE GLAD MS. ROMANO'S
EX-HUSBAND SPLIT LAST NIGHT.

BET HE HAD YOU WORRIED, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WORRIED"?

HEY, THAT GUY'S A
JOCK. ARE YOU KIDDIN'?

IF HE HAD A PASSKEY, I'D HAVE TO
RANK HIM RIGHT UP THERE WITH ME.

[laughing]

SCHNEIDER, YOU'RE
THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW

WHOSE PET ROCK IS HIS OWN HEAD.

VERY, VERY FUNNY.

BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT

THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE HIM TURNIN'
UP HERE ALL OF A SUDDEN, RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT WAS VERY EASY
TO SEE WHY HE WAS HERE.

HE HAD ENCORE WRITTEN
ALL OVER HIS FACE.

SCHNEIDER, YOU...

JUST LIKE TELEVISION:
THE SEASON FOR REPEATS.

SCHNEIDER, YOU'RE
COMPLETELY WRONG.

THE ONLY REASON HE WAS HERE

WAS TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE
WAS MARRYING SOMEONE ELSE.

NO KIDDIN'.

HOW COME ITS ALWAYS THE
GUYS THAT GET REMARRIED FIRST?

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THERE'S
MORE DAMES THAN GUYS.

WHICH MAKES ME AN
ENDANGERED SPECIES.

I SHOULD BE PROTECTED BY LAW.

LIKE THE BALD-HEADED EAGLE.

WELL, IF THEY PROTECT
THE BALD-HEADED EAGLE,

I DON'T SEE ANY REASON
WHY THEY SHOULDN'T PROTECT

THE, UH, RUBBER-LEGGED
GOONEY BIRD.

RUBBER-LEGGED GOONEY BIRD.

I'LL GIVE HIM HIS
RUBBER-LEGGED GOONEY BIRD.

♪ YOU'RE THE CREAM
IN MY COFFEE ♪

♪ YOU'RE THE SALT IN MY STEW ♪

♪ YOU WILL ALWAYS
BE MY NECESSITY ♪

MORNING, MOM. (Ann)
MORNING, DARLING.

MORNING, MOM. HI.

WHERE'S DAD? SHAVING.

[Ed groaning]

WITH MY RAZOR.

IS THIS THE SAME BLADE YOU
GOT CUSTODY OF IN THE DIVORCE?

WORKED FINE WHEN I
SCRAPED THE WINDOWS.

NEW ONES ARE IN THE DRAWER.

MOM, COULDN'T YOU PUT ON
SOMETHING NICER? DAD'S HERE.

OK.

BUT IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH
FINDING THE RIGHT OUTFIT.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE RIGHT LENGTH IS THIS SEASON

FOR SCRAMBLING EGGS.

NOT FUNNY.

OK.

YOU FIX THE BED AND SET
THE REST OF THE TABLE.

OK.

BARBARA, UH, DON'T GET PUSHY,

AND DON'T GIVE ME CRAZY IDEAS
JUST 'CAUSE DAD SPENT THE NIGHT.

♪ [Ed singing]

UH-UH, HIS SINGING
HASN'T IMPROVED ANY.

YEAH, BUT HE'S IN A GOOD MOOD.

AND SO IS MOM.

YOU KNOW,

I'LL BET HE DIDN'T
SLEEP OUT HERE.

I'LL BET HE DIDN'T SLEEP.

BARBARA.

WELL, THE SHEETS ARE COLD.

THEY'RE ALSO RUMPLED.

COME ON.

YOU KNOW IF ANYTHING
HAD HAPPENED

BY THIS TIME DAD
WOULD BE YELLING,

[imitating Ed] "BREAKFAST BETTER
BE READY, I'M HUNGRY AS A BEAR."

I THINK THEY STILL
LOVE EACH OTHER.

THEY JUST DON'T WANNA ADMIT IT.

DREAMER.

BREAKFAST READY YET?
I'M HUNGRY AS A BEAR!

WHO'S DREAMING?

EGGS. EGGS WILL BE
READY IN A MINUTE.

[chuckling]

OH, MOM, IS THAT THE
BEST YOU COULD DO?

YOU DON'T LIKE THIS EITHER, HUH?

WELL, SEE, YOU KNOW WHAT I DID.

I SENT OUT MY STRAPLESS
SWEATSHIRT TO THE CLEANERS.

[knocking on door]

(Ann) IT LOOKS OK.

GOOD MORNING, JULIE.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

HELLO, GORGEOUS.

HEY, DAVID. GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, BARBARA.

OH, LOOK, I KNOW IT'S EARLY,

BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE I
WOULD TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY

TO GIVE YOU THAT TENNIS LESSON.

TABLE SET FOR 4?

ANN.

YOU KNEW I'D BE THERE
FOR BREAKFAST, DIDN'T YOU?

UH, DAVID... YOU JUST KNEW IT.

DAVID...

YOU'RE TAKING ME
FOR GRANTED, ANN.

YOU'RE REALLY... YOU'RE
REALLY BEGINNING TO THINK

YOU HAVE ME WHERE
YOU WANT ME, AREN'T YOU?

DAVID, UH... UH, THE THING IS...

LOOK, I KNOW THAT AFTER
THAT BORING EVENING

WITH THAT DULL
EX-HUSBAND OF YOURS,

YOU'D BE READY FOR
A GOOD WORK OUT.

YOU KNOW, A QUICK
ROUND OF TENNIS.

THEN OFF THE CLUBHOUSE,
A COUPLE OF BLOODY MARYS,

ROMANTIC DISCUSSION
OF MY TENNIS ELBOW,

WHICH DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
BOTHERING ME AT ALL AT THE MOMENT.

PARDON ME.

WHERE'S MY SHIRT?

I HUNG IT IN THE CLOSET.

THANKS.

MORNING, NEIGHBOR.

WHAT'S HE DOIN' HERE?

HE SPENT THE NIGHT. HERE?

THERE. MAYBE.

BARBARA.

JULIE. ANN.

GIRLS, UH, WOULD YOU, UH, GO
IN THE KITCHEN AND FIX THE EGGS?

RIGHT. DAD'S HUNGRY AS A BEAR.

WHAT DID THAT MEAN?

NOTHING.

WHAT DID THAT MEAN?

UH, DAVID, LOOK, SEE,
IT WAS AFTER 11:00

WHEN WE FINISHED LAST NIGHT,

AND... AND ED HAD A LONG DRIVE
HOME SO I ASKED HIM TO STAY OVER.

DON'T EXPLAIN. EVERYONE
KNOWS THAT AFTER 11:00

ALL EX-HUSBANDS SPEND THE NIGHT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SET A PLACE
FOR ED WHILE YOU WERE AT IT?

UH, DAVID, THERE'S
PLENTY OF FOOD,

AS YOU WELL KNOW,
YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY.

NO, THANK YOU.
I'VE ALREADY EATEN.

TOO MANY TIMES.

ED.

UH, DAVID, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THE TENNIS.

MOM, YOU KNOW YOU
DON'T LIKE TENNIS.

UH, BARBARA,
YOU'RE OVERDOING IT.

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN,
COUNSELOR. DROP BY ANYTIME.

ED.

I DO. ALL THE TIME. DAVID.

NICE TO KNOW YOU'RE
AROUND TO PROTECT THE FAMILY.

THEY DON'T NEED TO
GET A GERMAN SHEPHERD.

ED.

WE'LL HAVE TO SEND YOUR
NEW BRIDE ONE OF MY CARDS.

I STILL HANDLE DIVORCES.

DAVID.

YOU'RE NOT HAVING MUCH
LUCK WITH DIVORCEES. ED!

UH, HEY, EVERYBODY,
BREAKFAST IS SERVED.

JULIE!

YOU KNOW IF YOU LEAVE RIGHT NOW,

YOU COULD MAKE
IT BACK HOME IN TIME

TO HAVE A DANISH
AND COFFEE WITH VICKI.

UH, DAVID, I'LL CALL
YOU LATER, OK?

TAKE THE ELEVATOR. IT'S FASTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OR IF YOU'RE REALLY IN A HURRY,
WHY DON'T YOU TRY THE WINDOW.

OOH, MUFFINS ARE
PROBABLY BURNT BY NOW.

SUGAR BUT NO
CREAM. RIGHT, DADDY?

RIGHT.

(Ann) OH, GOOD.

HEY, THEY LOOK GREAT.

WELL, THEY ARE GREAT.

GOLDEN BROWN ON THE
TOP. BLACK ON THE BOTTOMS.

I'LL TAKE 2 TOPS.

OK.

MOM, SIT DOWN. WE WILL
TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

OK, YOU WANT MUFFIN?
HERE. YOU GOT ONE.

OH, HOW ARE THE EGGS, DAD?

PERFECT.

YUCKY, YUCKY, YUCKY. OOH.

MY FATHER, THE KETCHUP FREAK.

YOU DROPPED IT ALL OVER
THE MUFFIN. OOPS, C'EST LA VIE.

HEY, REMEMBER THE TIME WE
DROVE OUT INTO THE COUNTRY

JUST TO GET SOME
FARM-FRESH EGGS?

I CERTAINLY DO. AND
BARBARA WOULDN'T TOUCH 'EM

AFTER SHE FOUND OUT THEY CAME
OUT OF A CHICKEN AND NOT A BOX.

HOW ARE YOUR EGGS?
WANT ME TO GET SOME...

HEAT 'EM UP OR
SOMETHIN' FOR YOU?

I JUST TOOK ONE BITE. I
ONLY TOOK ONE SIP. HOLD IT.

HEY, I'M NOT USED TO
ALL THIS ATTENTION.

WITH ME IT'S USUALLY
INSTANT ORANGE JUICE,

INSTANT COFFEE
AND INSTANT OATMEAL.

FOLLOWED BY INSTANT INDIGESTION.

WELL,

VICKI WILL TAKE YOU
AWAY FROM ALL OF THAT.

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU. VICKI'S
BLUEBERRY MUFFINS TURN OUT FLAT.

I'VE SEEN VICKI. SHE DOESN'T.

TACKY.

I'M GLAD YOU INVITED ME, HONEY.

SO AM I.

I'D FORGOTTEN HOW NICE IT IS

TO BE WITH THE PEOPLE I
LIKE MOST IN THE WORLD.

ALL OF YOU.

HEY, ED, YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOW, I WISH YOU
AND VICKI THE BEST.

I KNOW, ANN.

I JUST HOPE YOU'RE NOT
RUSHING INTO SOMETHING.

WOULD THAT REALLY MATTER TO YOU?

OF COURSE, IT WOULD.

THAT JUST POPPED OUT.

HA-HA, THE GIRL'S MOUTH
IS AN AUTOMATIC TOASTER.

UM, BARB, YOU WANNA TAKE THIS
TO THE KITCHEN FOR ME, THANK YOU.

UH, ED.

YOU KNOW I WANT
YOU TO BE VERY HAPPY.

IT'S JUST A REALLY BIG STEP.

HOW WELL I KNOW.
I'VE BEEN THERE.

WE'VE BOTH BEEN THERE.

RIGHT? YEAH.

YEAH.

OH, LOOK AT 'EM.

THEY WANT TO BE TOGETHER,
BUT THEY'RE AFRAID OF IT.

OH, I WISH I HAD TIME
TO WRITE TO DEAR ABBY.

BARBARA, I WANT THEM
TOGETHER JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO,

BUT DON'T BE SO
OBVIOUS ABOUT IT.

COOL IT, OK?

OK, YOU GOT IT.

HEY, HOW ABOUT A FAMILY PICTURE?

HONEY, UH, NO, N-NOT NOW, HUH?

OH, PLEASE, YOU AND
DAD GET ON THE SOFA.

HONEY, WE'RE HAVING BREAKFAST.

PLEASE.

DETERMINATION. OK, JULIE,
COME ON, GET IN THIS...

I JUST WANT ONE OF MOM AND DAD.

OK, NOW GET CLOSER.

ALL RIGHT. AHEM.

CLOSER.

IF WE GET ANY CLOSER,
WE'LL PASS EACH OTHER.

OK, HOW'S THIS?

PERFECT. OK, HOLD IT.

THERE'S NO FILM IN THE
CAMERA, BUT STAY RIGHT THERE.

DON'T MOVE. JUST
STAY RIGHT THERE.

COME ON, LET'S GET DRESSED,
AND GO GET SOME FILM.

WHAT DO YOU NEED ME FOR?

YOU KNOW HOW HEAVY FILM IS?

[inaudible]

♪ [humming]

[exclaims]

WELL, THEY REALLY BLEW IT WHEN THEY
DIDN'T CAST YOU IN GABLE AND LOMBARD.

[chuckling]

HEY, KIDS. HOW ARE YOU?

OH, SCHNEIDER, GUESS WHAT! MOM
AND DAD ARE GETTIN' BACK TOGETHER.

IS HE STILL UP THERE?

UH-HUH.

HOW ABOUT THAT!

I SHOULD HAVE RUN A BED CHECK.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA
DO, RECYCLE THE MARRIAGE?

WOULDN'T THAT BE NEAT?

OH, ISN'T THAT
TERRIFIC, SCHNEIDER?

COOL IT. HERE COMES
PAUNCHY GONZALES.

DID YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY SAY
THEY WERE GETTING BACK TOGETHER?

WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
BUT IT'S IN THE WORKS.

BARBARA, WHY DON'T
WE GO GET THE FILM?

DON'T BE DUMB. THERE'S
FILM IN THE CAMERA.

UH, LET'S WALK AROUND
THE BLOCK THEN, ANYTHING.

UH, BYE, GUYS.

LOOK, UH, MR. KANE, UH,

HANG IN THERE, PAL. I MEAN, YOU
CAN GET OVER THIS, YOU KNOW.

WHAT THE HECK?

SOME PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS
IS... IS SOME PEOPLE'S SADNESS.

CUPID SHOT AN ARROW INTO THE AIR

AND WHILE YOU ARE A
RATHER LARGE TARGET,

THE LITTLE FINK MISSED.

THANKS, SCHNEIDER.

HE'S REALLY TAKEN IT HARD.

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

SURE, DRYING DISHES.

ANN.

ED.

UH, THERE'S SOMETHING THAT I THINK
YOU BOTH SHOULD BE MADE AWARE OF.

I KNOW THAT NOTHING
HAPPENED UP HERE LAST NIGHT.

I KNOW THAT, REALLY, I DO.

DAVID, COME TO
THE POINT. COME ON.

THERE'S NO REASON WHY I
SHOULDN'T BELIEVE THAT, IS THERE?

DAVID, WHAT IS IT?

JULIE AND BARBARA THINK THAT YOU
TWO ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED AGAIN.

STUPID!

STUPID! STUPID!

YOU'LL GET NO ARGUMENT FROM ME.

WELL, I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED
THE WAY WE WERE ACTING,

THEY'D START HOPING THAT
SOMETHING WOULD COME OF THIS.

ARE YOU SURE?

THEY'RE TELLING SCHNEIDER.

OBVIOUSLY, THE WHOLE
WORLD KNOWS NOW.

WE REALLY BLEW
IT, DIDN'T WE, ANN?

YOU CERTAINLY DID!

I MEAN, YOU COME HERE,

YOU-YOU-YOU-YOU-YOU'RE
STAYING FOR DINNER,

TALKING ABOUT OLD TIMES,

SPENDING THE NIGHT HERE.

HERE. HERE.

HERE. OF COURSE, HERE.
THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.

ED, YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE SPENT THE NIGHT.

YOU ASKED ME TO STAY THE NIGHT!

IT WAS JUST A POLITE INVITATION.

SHE WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU
A LONG TRIP BACK LATE AT NIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE
DOING, RIGHT? JUST...

DAVID.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

I KNOW THAT.

NOTHING MUCH OR NOTHING?

YOU WANT ME TO SIGN
A SWORN DEPOSITION.

NO.

IF IT'D MAKE YOU
FEEL ANY BETTER,

I DO HAVE SOME
BLANK FORMS UPSTAIRS.

I'M SURE YOU TWO HAVE A
LOT YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT.

YEAH, IF YOU DON'T MIND I GOTTA
STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT WITH MY GIRLS.

WE HAVE TO STRAIGHTEN
IT OUT WITH OUR GIRLS.

UM, ED, I HOPE
THAT YOU AND VICKI

WILL BE VERY HAPPY
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

THANK YOU, DAVID.

AND, UH, PLEASE, THE
NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN TOWN,

FEEL FREE ALWAYS TO
STAY AT THE HOLIDAY INN.

YOU KNOW, I COULD
GET TO LIKE HIM.

IT WOULD BE A STRAIN,
BUT I THINK I COULD DO IT.

OH, ED,

THOSE GIRLS ARE
BUILDING SANDCASTLES.

I THOUGHT THEY'D
ADJUSTED TO THE DIVORCE.

YOU TRY TO KID YOURSELF.

YEAH, IT'S BETTER FOR EVERYBODY.

THEY'LL UNDERSTAND,
BUT THEY NEVER DO.

YOUR FIRST OBLIGATION
IS ALWAYS TO THE KIDS.

MAYBE WE WERE BEING SELFISH.

YOU MEAN, MAYBE I
WAS BEING SELFISH.

ED.

DIVORCE WAS AGAINST
EVERYTHING I HAD EVER BEEN TAUGHT,

BUT I KNEW I HAD TO DO IT.

[doorbell ringing]

OH, WHAT NOW?

SCHNEIDER, UH, YOU
RANG THE DOORBELL.

I COULD HAVE USED MY PASSKEY,

BUT OUT OF RESPECT

I DIDN'T WANNA DISTURB
THE SANCTITY OF 2 PEOPLE

IN THE THROES OF
A RECONCILIATION.

HOW DID IT GO LAST NIGHT?

SCHNEIDER, WE'RE IN THE
MIDDLE OF SOMETHING RIGHT HERE.

I COULD NOT BE MORE PLEASED.

NOW, ED.

I CAN CALL YOU ED, CAN'T I?

NOT NECESSARILY.

FINE, ED. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

NOW, IT'S GOOD THAT YOU TWO
ARE GETTIN' TOGETHER AGAIN.

I MEAN, WHAT MAKES THIS
COUNTRY GREAT IS THE FAMILY UNIT.

WITHOUT THAT,

YOUR PINKOS, YOUR COMMIES,
THEY MOVE IN, THEY TAKE OVER,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

MAO TSE-TUNG IS OVER HERE IN SAN
CLEMENTE BUILDING A CONDOMINIUM.

SCHNEIDER.

AMERICA'S FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE

IS THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE.

WHO ARE YOU TO
TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE?

MY DIVORCE WAS A
PATRIOTIC GESTURE.

MY WIFE LEFT ME TO
RE-ENLIST IN THE MARINES.

BUT A FAMILY UNIT THAT IS ONCE
BROKEN UP AND THEN RE-MENDED AGAIN,

THAT'S... WHAT I MEAN,
THAT'S LIKE THEM,

YOU KNOW, FIXING THE
CRACK IN THE LIBERTY BELL.

LOOK, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I...

THEY NEVER FIXED THE
CRACK IN THE LIBERTY BELL.

WELL, I KNOW THAT.

ALL THE GOOD BELL
MONGERS LIVE IN SWITZERLAND.

SCHNEIDER, LEAVE.

MS. ROMANO,

I WOULD NOT INTERRUPT
YOUR PRIVACY FOR NOTHING.

NOW THAT YOU'RE A
WHOLE FAMILY AGAIN,

YOU'RE GONNA BE NEEDING
A BIGGER PLACE TO LIVE,

AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THERE'S
A 4-ROOM APARTMENT ON THE 3RD FLOOR

THAT BECOMES AVAILABLE
AT THE END OF THIS MONTH.

THE COUPLE LIVING
THERE IS GONNA MOVE OUT.

THE PLACE IS
ABSOLUTELY IMMACULATE.

BOTH GUYS ARE
GREAT HOUSEKEEPERS.

SCHNEIDER, WE DO NOT
NEED A BIGGER APARTMENT.

NOW, GET OUT! MOVE!
PLEASE, GET OUT OF HERE!

YOU KNOW, I, UH, I
UNDERSTAND YOUR IMPATIENCE.

JUST, UH, JUST REMEMBER,

KEEP AMERICA STRONG.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT CHARACTER.

AH, FORGET ABOUT HIM.

ED, WE HAVE GOTTA
EXPLAIN TO THE GIRLS.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL TALK TO THEM.

I'LL DO IT.

I'M THEIR FATHER,
I'LL TALK TO THEM.

DAMN IT, ED, LISTEN
TO ME ONCE, WILL YOU?

I MEAN, I'M NOT YOUR EMPTY-HEADED
TEENAGE BRIDE ANYMORE.

ANN, I DON'T MEAN
TO SHUT YOU OUT.

BUT IT'S MY PLACE TO
HANDLE THE SERIOUS THINGS.

YOU AND DON CORLEONE.

LOOK.

BARBARA AND JULIE WERE JUST FINE

UNTIL THIS ANNOUNCEMENT
OF YOUR QUICKIE WEDDING.

LOOK, THEY NEED SOME SECURITY.

THEY'RE SCARED OF LOSING YOU.

AT THE MOMENT, THAT
SECURITY HAPPENS TO BE ME.

OH, MISS SECURITY OF 1984.

WELL, PLEASE, GO
AHEAD, TAKE OVER.

AFTER ALL, YOU'RE THE
NEW FREE MISS ANN COOPER.

ROMANO.

UH, R-R-RIGHT, I FORGOT.

MS. ROMANO.

WELL, GO AHEAD. NEVER MIND
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR DAUGHTERS.

JUST TAKE OFF. YOU HAVE
MY BLESSINGS. TAKE CHARGE!

THANK YOU, IT'LL BE THE FIRST TIME
YOU'VE LET ME DO ANYTHING BY MYSELF

SINCE YOU ALLOWED ME
TO GIVE BIRTH TO BARBARA.

WRONG! WRONG! I LET YOU
HANDLE PLENTY OF THINGS.

OH, SURE!

P.T.A. MEETINGS,
SHOPPING, TERRIFIC!

THAT IS A CHEAP SHOT.

DID IT HURT?

A LOW BLOW.

RIGHT ON TARGET!

MOM, DAD, WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, WELL, HERE
ARE YOUR GIRLS, ED.

GO AHEAD. TAKE CHARGE.

GOD DAMN IT, YOU WANTED
IT SO BADLY, YOU GOT IT, YOU...

OH, MY GOD.

UH, LOOK.

UH, MOM, I DON'T THINK
I EVEN WANT TO HEAR IT.

I FEEL SICK.

(Ed) OH, BARBIE.

DAD, PLEASE LEAVE HER ALONE!

OH, JULIE.

MOM, CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT
YOU'RE DOING TO THIS KID?

SHE LOVES YOU BOTH SO MUCH.

SHE JUST WANTS YOU TO
BE HAPPY. TO BE TOGETHER.

ALL SHE WANTS...

WHO AM I KIDDING.

WE BOTH HOPED IT
COULD BE DIFFERENT.

[phone ringing]

HELLO.

GIRLS, BABIES, TRY
TO UNDERSTAND.

UH, YEAH, UH, JUST A MINUTE.

ED, IT'S FOR YOU. VICKI.

OH, I FORGOT TO CALL HER.

HI, HONEY.

YEAH, I'M SORRY I
FORGOT TO CALL YOU.

IT WAS SO LATE LAST NIGHT THAT
ANN INVITED ME TO STAY OVER.

I SLEPT HERE, ON THE SOFA!

NO, I DIDN'T FORGET
ABOUT THE APPOINTMENT.

WELL, IF I LEAVE NOW, I CAN STILL BE
THERE IN TIME TO MEET YOUR UNCLE.

OH, WHATEVER.

I'LL BE THERE. I'LL SEE YOU.

SEE YOU LATER. BYE, SWEETHEART.

GO! GO TO YOUR SWEETHEART!
JUST DON'T COME BACK.

BARBIE, DON'T... OK.

UH, ED, WOULD YOU LEAVE NOW?

ANN.

I-I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. REALLY.

GOOD BYE, JULIE.

GOODBYE, DADDY.

GOODBYE, BARB.

PLEASE TRY TO
UNDERSTAND, HONEY. I...

PLEASE.

ANN.

BYE-BYE.

OH, I HATE HIM.

DON'T EVER LET ME
HEAR YOU SAY THAT AGAIN.

BUT HE RUINED EVERYTHING.

BARBARA,

I WANT YOU TO SIT
DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME.

YOU, TOO, JULIE.

NO MATTER WHAT PROBLEMS
YOUR FATHER AND I MAY HAVE HAD,

OR WE STILL HAVE, HE IS STILL YOUR
FATHER AND HE IS A DAMN GOOD ONE.

HE'S DONE EVERYTHING
HE CAN FOR YOU TWO.

AND THAT INCLUDES
A LITTLE CRYING,

A LOT OF PRAYING,

AND A GOOD SPANKING
WHEN YOU NEEDED IT.

AND IF YOU TURN YOUR BACK
ON HIM, YOU'LL BREAK HIS HEART.

AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT.

I KNOW THAT, MOM. WE LOVE HIM.

WHY COULDN'T IT
BE A HAPPY ENDING?

OH, HONEY!

IT IS A HAPPY ENDING.
COME ON, MOVE OVER.

WHEN YOUR DADDY
AND I LIVE APART,

HE'S HAPPIER, I'M HAPPIER.

AND BELIEVE IT OR
NOT, UNTIL LAST NIGHT,

THE TWO OF YOU WERE HAPPIER.

WHEN WE'RE ALL TOGETHER,

YOUR FATHER TRIES TO
PROTECT US FROM THE WORLD.

NOBODY CAN DO THAT.

WE ALL HAVE TO GET OUT
AND MAKE IT ON OUR OWN.

AH, YOUR DAD AND I BOTH
WANT TO PROTECT YOU,

BUT, OH-HO-HO...

MY DARLINGS, I DON'T WANT
YOU TO GROW UP THE WAY I DID.

I WANT YOU TO...

I WANT YOU TO START
GROWING UP BEFORE YOU'RE 30.

OH, WHY COULDN'T YOU
TELL DAD THAT AND FIX IT UP?

I DID.

WHEN?

HONEY, THE LAST 4
YEARS OF THE MARRIAGE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ALL THAT
YELLING AND CRYING WAS ALL ABOUT?

NOW, COME ON.

IT HAS GOT TO BE BETTER HAVING 2
RELATIVELY SANE SEPARATE PARENTS

THAN A MISMATCHED SET
OF SCREAMING MANIACS.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

[doorbell ringing]

I CAN'T LEAVE YOU NOW
FEELING THE WAY YOU DO.

HONEY.

OH, DAD, I'M SORRY!

OH, BABIES, I LOVE YOU
SO MUCH, BOTH OF YOU.

OH, WE KNOW THAT,
DADDY. WE LOVE YOU, TOO.

WE WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

WE REALLY DO. AND WE'LL
BE AT YOUR WEDDING.

JUST TRY AND STOP US.

WHAT CAN WE GET YOU
FOR A WEDDING PRESENT?

OH, BABY, YOU
JUST GAVE IT TO ME.

YOU JUST GAVE IT TO ME.

UH, I'M SORRY FOR
THE INTERRUPTION.

UH, THIS HERE IS
A DIMMER SWITCH.

YOU KNOW, DIMMER FOR LIGHTS.

AHEM, I'M, UH, I'M GONNA
PUT IT IN YOUR BEDROOM.

IT'S JUST MY WAY OF
SAYING, "AMERICA FIRST."

(female announcer) THIS PROGRAM
WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

FOR A LIVE AUDIENCE.