One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 1, Episode 14 - Dad Comes Back: Part 1 - full transcript
Ann is all excited about her new job until she learns that her ex-husband is getting married.
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪
♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BE SURE AT ALL ♪
♪ SO WHILE YOU'RE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪
♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪
♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪
♪ SOMEWHERE THERE'S
MUSIC PLAYING ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ♪
♪ WE'LL JUST TAKE
IT LIKE IT COMES ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
[grunting]
AH. YEAH.
SURE. HERE'S YOUR
TROUBLE RIGHT HERE.
IT'S AN OLIVE PIT. JAMS UP
THE DISPOSAL EVERY TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, YOU...
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF THING.
IT WON'T CHEW, IT WON'T GRIND,
IT JUST LAYS THERE AND HICCUPS.
HICCUP, HICCUP, HICCUP, HICCUP.
SCHNEIDER, I'M TRYING
TO DO MY HOMEWORK.
OH, I'M SORRY.
WHAT KIND OF HOMEWORK YOU DOIN'?
ALGEBRA.
OH, ALGEBRA.
I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.
YOU SEE, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M
JUST BRAWN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THEY THINK I NEGLECTED
MY EDUCATION.
BUT ALGEBRA WAS ONE
OF MY BEST SUBJECTS.
WHAT, UH, WHAT
PROBLEM YOU WORKIN' ON?
ALL RIGHT, IN MONOMIALS,
IF "X" AND "Y" ARE VARIABLES,
IS THE PHRASE "5X
OVER Y" A MONOMIAL
OR DIVISION BY A VARIABLE?
SEE, IF YOU KEEP
ASKING FOR HELP,
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA LEARN THIS.
I... I MEAN, NOW, THE
ANSWER IS IN THERE.
YOU JUST LOOK AROUND THE COSINE.
UH, WHERE'S THE LEAKY FAUCET?
IN THE BATHROOM. I'LL GO FIX IT.
BUT YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
JULIE'S TAKING A SHOWER
AND THAT CAN TAKE FOREVER.
SHE TAKES A LOT OF SHOWERS.
I MEAN, THAT'S WRONG. IT'S...
THE... THE WATER PRESSURE IN
THIS BUILDING IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH.
EVERY TIME SHE TAKES A SHOWER,
SOMEBODY IN THE BUILDING LOSES THE FLUSH.
ALSO, WHEN SOMEONE FLUSHES,
SOMEONE ELSE CAN'T SHOWER.
WHAT WE NEED HERE
IS A BALANCE OF POWER.
I MEAN, LESS SHOWERING
AND MORE FLUSHING
OR LESS FLUSHING
AND MORE SHOWERING.
PERSONALLY, I THINK
FLUSHING IS MORE IMPORTANT.
[telephone ringing]
HELLO? DADDY!
HI!
OH, YEAH. YOU'RE...
YOU'RE IN TOWN!
YOU'RE COMING OVER?
YEAH. I CAN'T... I CAN'T WAIT.
YEAH, I'M WEARING
MY GREEN-PLAID SKIRT.
AND MY GREEN BLOUSE.
UH, WELL, YEAH, AND
MY POLKA-DOT SCARF.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU NEVER MISS.
OK, I CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE YOU. BYE.
MY DAD IS IN TOWN!
HE'S COMING OVER.
THAT'S, UH, THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT WAS THAT ROUTINE
WITH THE CLOTHES?
OH, WELL, IT'S A GAME WE'VE
PLAYED EVER SINCE I WAS A KID.
WHEN HE WAS OUT OF TOWN,
HE'D LOVE TO CALL AND
GUESS WHAT I WAS WEARING.
OH, YOU MEAN, LIKE HE WAS SOME
KIND OF PHYSIC OR SOMETHING.
WHY IS HE COMING HERE?
I THOUGHT YOU KIDS
ALWAYS WENT TO VISIT HIM.
I... I DON'T KNOW.
ALL I KNOW IS I'M GONNA SEE HIM.
[sighing]
YOU REALLY DIG HIM, DON'T YOU?
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S THE ONLY THING
I'VE MISSED IN MY LIFE.
HAVING KIDS.
OF COURSE, NATURALLY, WITH ME,
I'D HAVE BOYS.
I CAN SEE MY KID NOW,
THE STAR PITCHER,
HE'S OUT ON THE
MOUND, ALL ALONE.
IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE 9TH,
THERE'S MEN ON BASE,
AND HE'S PITCHIN'
HIS WAY OUT OF A JAM.
HE'S GOT HIS FOOT ON THE RUBBER,
TAKES A STRETCH,
AND HE LETS GO A BLAZING FAST
BALL THAT CATCHES THE OUTSIDE.
BANG, THE BATTER HITS IT.
IT'S A LONG FLYING
BALL, LONG FLYING BALL,
IT'S GOIN', IT'S
GOIN', IT'S GONE.
A HOME RUN!
BUT THAT'S OK. THE
BATTER IS MY KID, TOO!
[laughing]
OH, SCHNEIDER, HOW COME
YOU NEVER HAD ANY KIDS?
WELL, IT'S TOUGH TO HAVE KIDS
WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS ANNULLED
BEFORE YOU CAN
REGISTER AT THE MOTEL.
W-WHY WAS IT ANNULLED?
IT WASN'T MY BRIDE I
WAS REGISTERING WITH.
THAT'S ONLY A JOKE.
I'M KIDDING YOU.
OH, WELL, THE GODDESS
EMERGES FROM THE WATERFALL.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE COSTING
THIS BUILDING A LOT OF FLUSHES.
WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?
NEVER MIND. GUESS WHO CALLED?
DAD! HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER! WHAT?
DADDY? YES.
DID HE SAY WHY?
HE SAID HE'LL TELL
US WHEN HE GOT HERE.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HE'S COMING OVER HERE.
♪ ROLL THE RUG UP ♪
♪ IT'S TODAY ♪
♪ TA-DAH! ♪
(both) WHAT? WHAT?
I GOT THE JOB!
[cheering]
ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC?
OH. OH.
YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE PERSONAL
ASSISTANT TO THE VICE PRESIDENT
OF THE PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRM
OF CONNORS AND DAVENPORT!
[both cheering]
AND THEY REALLY HAVE SOME
INTERESTING CLIENTS, TOO.
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE RUNNING "THE
HUMPHREY FOR PRESIDENT" CAMPAIGN.
HUMPHREY ISN'T
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
WELL, SEE, THAT'S OUR JOB.
WE HAVE TO REMIND THE
PUBLIC HE ISN'T RUNNING,
SO NOBODY'LL
FORGET HE IS RUNNING.
HEY, MAYBE I'LL EVEN
GET TO TALK TO HIM.
NO, WITH HUBERT, ALL
I'LL GET TO DO IS LISTEN.
[Ann exclaiming]
WELL, I GOT YOUR LEAK
FIXED. AND I GOT BOTH KNOBS
POINTING AT 6:00,
THE WAY THEY SHOULD.
AND CONGRATULATIONS ON THE JOB.
YOU HEARD? I HEARD?
YOU WERE SCREAMING SO LOUD, THE
TIDY-BOWL MAN PUT HIS HANDS OVER HIS EARS!
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
AND AS WE SAY IN THE TRADE,
KEEP YOUR PLUNGER DRY.
[laughing]
YOU KNOW, TODAY, EVEN
SCHNEIDER'S JOKES DON'T BOTHER ME.
MOM, DAD CALLED.
HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER.
THAT BOTHERS ME.
WHY?
HE DIDN'T SAY, HE SAID HE'D
TELL US WHEN HE GETS HERE.
HE'S NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE. THERE'S
GOT TO BE A PRETTY GOOD REASON.
[knocking on door]
I GOT EVERYTHING HERE.
FOR WHAT? THE PARTY.
WHAT PARTY?
TO CELEBRATE YOUR NEW JOB!
HOW DID YOU HEAR?
AH, WELL, IT COULD'VE
BEEN INTUITION,
SOME CONGRESSIONAL
COMMITTEE MIGHT HAVE LEAKED IT,
OR AS I RECALL, YOU PHONED ME
THE MINUTE YOU GOT THE JOB.
THAT'S RIGHT, I DID.
DAVID, I TELL YOU, EVER SINCE I
GOT THIS JOB, I HAVE BEEN FLYING.
WELL, I HAVE EVERYTHING
HERE TO FILL THE FRIENDLY SKIES.
A GENUINE ITALIAN SALAMI.
WHOOPS.
I KNEW YOU WERE OUT
OF GIN, SINCE I FINISHED IT.
A LITTLE PATE DE FOIE GRAS
AND A JAR OF GENUINE
IMPORTED CAVIAR
FOR WHICH A PREGNANT
RUSSIAN STURGEON
HAPPILY PUT UP HER
EGGS FOR ADOPTION.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
FOR THE YOUNG FOLKS...
A 6-PACK OF VINTAGE
ROOTIE-TOOTIE.
DAVID, IT'S A VIRTUAL FEAST.
YES, AND THIS IS
MERELY THE BEGINNING
BECAUSE TONIGHT I'M TAKING
YOU ALL OUT TO DINNER AT,
YOU GUESSED IT, (all)
THE ESCOFFIER ROOM.
OH, DAVID, IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
UH, BUT WE CAN'T
MAKE ANY PLANS AS YET.
THERE'S A LITTLE SURPRISE.
ED'S IN TOWN. HE'S, UH,
GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
ED? YOUR ED?
I-ISN'T THAT GREAT?
GREAT, GREAT.
UH... GEE, I, UH,
HAVEN'T SEEN OLD ED SINCE
I HANDLED YOUR DIVORCE.
IT WAS ALL VERY CIVILIZED,
I RECALL WE WERE VERY
MATURE ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I REMEMBER HIS PARTING COMMENT
TO ME ON THE COURTHOUSE STEPS.
"SHYSTER!"
UH, WHAT DO YOU
SUPPOSE HE WANTS?
WE DON'T KNOW.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE, I THINK I
KNOW WHY HE'S COMING.
HE'S GONNA DO HIS,
"I KNEW YOU COULDN'T
MAKE IT ALONE, ANN."
AND HE'S GOING TO COME OVER
TO SEE IF HE CAN BAIL ME OUT.
OH, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
I MEAN, THE TIMING IS
ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
WHEN HE LAYS IT ON
ME, I CAN HIT HIM WITH,
"ED, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
"I JUST GOT A GREAT JOB
AND I'M ON MY WAY, AND LISTEN,
"IF THINGS EVER
GET TOUGH FOR YOU,
"LET ME KNOW AND I'LL, UH,
BAIL YOU OUT."
[exclaiming]
I CAN'T WAIT.
UH, MAMA, IF DADDY'S
REALLY COMING OVER TO HELP,
YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE
THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE.
DAD'S NEVER FORGOTTEN US.
UH, YEAH, RIGHT, UH,
LOOK, I-I'M SORRY.
I GUESS I'M JUST...
FEELING MY OATS.
[doorbell ringing]
THAT'S GOTTA BE
DAD! THAT'S GOT TO BE!
[girls shrieking]
[Ed laughing]
HELLO, SWEETHEART. MMM.
HEY, LET ME LOOK AT
YOU, LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
OH, BOY, I CAN'T GET OVER
IT. IT JUST KNOCKS ME OUT
EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, HOW
FAST YOU'RE GROWING UP.
YEAH, BUT SEE, WE
GOT ONE PROBLEM.
BARBARA GROWS IN ALL DIRECTIONS,
AND I JUST KEEP
GOING STRAIGHT UP.
DON'T SAY THAT, HONEY. YOU'RE
PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
HELLO, ED.
HI, ANN.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
AND YOU LOOK MORE
BEAUTIFUL THAN EVER.
OH, THANK YOU.
DIVORCE BECOMES YOU.
YES, I TOLD HER IT WOULD.
THE SAME OLD DAVID. HI.
YOU'VE LOST A LITTLE
WEIGHT, HAVEN'T YOU?
OH, YEAH, I'VE DROPPED
A LITTLE WEIGHT.
HOW MUCH MORE YOU GOT
TO GO? ABOUT 25, 30 POUNDS?
DADDY, COME SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
OH, COME ON.
ED, UH, LOOK, UH, I
KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME A LECTURE
ON THE TROUBLES I'M
HAVING MAKING ENDS MEET.
WELL, YOU COULD HAVE
SAVED YOURSELF A TRIP
BECAUSE I'M IN FANTASTIC SHAPE.
I MEAN, I JUST FOUND THE
PERFECT JOB AND I'M SET!
OH, SET!
ANN, THAT'S GREAT!
I MEAN, I COULDN'T
BE MORE DELIGHTED.
YOU'RE DELIGHTED.
YES.
I MEAN, FRANKLY, IT MAKES IT A LOT EASIER
FOR ME TO SAY WHAT I HAVE GOT TO SAY.
[clearing throat]
ANN, KIDS...
[clearing throat]
I'M GETTING MARRIED TO VICKI.
CONGRATULATIONS!
WELL, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
I... I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING I
SHOULD TELL YOU ALL PERSONALLY.
ED,
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
REALLY, I-I-I'M VERY
HAPPY FOR YOU.
THANKS, ANN.
HEY, I REALLY HOPE
THIS ONE LASTS.
HEY, YOU KIDS
HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING.
OH, UH, WE'RE HAPPY, DAD.
YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
UH, BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY,
I MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA, LIKE,
GONNA BE ENGAGED FOR A WHILE?
[laughing] HONEY,
I'M A LITTLE TOO OLD
FOR THAT ROUTINE.
AT THE END OF THE MONTH. AND I
WANT YOU BOTH TO BE THERE, OF COURSE.
WE WOULDN'T MISS IT.
YEAH.
OH, ANN, IF YOU'D
LIKE TO COME...
(both) OH, NO, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
BUT YOU BOTH HAVE TO COME.
I WOULDN'T HAVE A WEDDING
WITHOUT MY KIDS BEING THERE.
UH, LISTEN, I... I GOT TO FINISH
MY HOMEWORK. I GOT A LOT.
UH, WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME, TOO?
I THINK I'LL HELP HER. THE POOR
KID'S HOPELESS WITH ALGEBRA.
I WAS AFRAID I WAS GONNA
SHAKE THEM UP A LITTLE.
ED,
I TOLD THE GIRLS THAT SOME DAY
ONE OF US IS GONNA GET MARRIED AGAIN.
[laughs]
YOU BEAT ME.
HEY, LOOK, THEY'RE
REALLY GONNA BE OK.
THEY'RE MATURE,
SENSIBLE. DON'T WORRY.
THEY CAN HANDLE IT.
REALLY.
HE DOESN'T LOVE VICKI AND HE
DOESN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED.
OH, BARBARA, WOULD YOU
COOL IT AND STOP CRYING?
YOU'RE ALMOST 15 YEARS OLD
AND YOU'RE WETTING THE BED!
HE-HE'S ONLY GETTING
MARRIED BECAUSE HE'S LONELY.
WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM.
MOM AND DAD SPLIT.
WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO?
BUT ALL 3 OF US LEFT HIM.
ONE OF US SHOULD HAVE STAYED.
I'M GONNA MOVE IN WITH DAD.
THEN HE WON'T BE LONELY AND
HE WON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED!
YOU'RE GONNA MOVE
IN WITH DAD. JUST GREAT!
CAN'T YOU SEE? DAD'S
CRYING OUT FOR HELP.
HE'S A LONELY, DESERTED MAN.
AND I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE
WORLD WHO CARES. YOU SURE DON'T.
BARBARA, LOOK, I
KNOW HOW YOU FEEL,
BUT... BUT I'M OLDER
AND MORE MATURE.
I MEAN, I READ COSMOPOLITAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, I-I-IT'S
NOT THAT YOU'RE LOSING A FATHER,
IT'S THAT YOU'RE GETTING A
STEPMOTHER, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WOW. 16-AND-A-HALF
YEARS OF NEUROTIC WISDOM!
WHY DO YOU KEEP
PUTTING MY CLOTHES BACK?
WELL, FOR 2 REASONS.
ONE: I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO,
AND 2: YOU GOT THE WRONG DRAWER.
YOU'RE PACKING MY CLOTHES.
UH, BARBARA, LET'S TRY AND
MAKE SOME SENSE OUT OF THIS, OK?
MOVING IN WITH DAD IS NOT GOING
TO STOP HIM FROM MARRYING VICKI.
I THINK IT'S A LITTLE
TOO LATE FOR THAT.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL TELL DAD I'M PREGNANT.
THAT'LL GET HIS MIND OFF VICKI.
MY SISTER THE MORON!
YOU GOT SOME CRAZY IDEA ABOUT
MOM AND DAD GETTING
BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE HOPING FOR?
AREN'T YOU?
NO, BECAUSE I'M A REALIST.
I MEAN, WE ADJUSTED
TO THE DIVORCE.
NOW, I KNOW WE CAN HANDLE THIS.
THERE'S NO SENSE IN
GETTING OUR HOPES UP.
"OUR HOPES." YOU SAID "OUR
HOPES." YOU WANT THEM TOGETHER.
NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
YOU DID, TOO. WE CAN
GET THEM BACK TOGETHER.
BARBARA, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
DAD LOVES VICKI,
MOM LOVES DAVID...
DAVID! WE'VE GOT
TO GET RID OF HIM.
OH, WONDERFUL.
I'LL OPEN THE WINDOW,
YOU TOSS HIM OUT.
"BYE, DAVID. CATCH
YOU LATER." SPLAT!
I LIKE DAVID. I LIKE HIM A LOT.
BUT MOM AND DAD'LL NEVER GET BACK
TOGETHER WITH HIM HANGING AROUND.
BARBARA, STAY OUT OF THIS.
PROMISE?
COME ON, RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND,
LOOK ME STRAIGHT IN THE
EYE, AND REPEAT AFTER ME.
COME ON, UP. COME ON.
I PROMISE TO STAY OUT OF THIS.
I PROMISE TO STAY OUT OF THIS.
SO HELP ME, ELTON JOHN.
CAN'T IT BE DONNIE OSMOND?
NOPE.
NOPE, ELTON JOHN.
WHAT ABOUT MICK JAGGER?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ELTON JOHN?
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL
BE ABLE TO KEEP MY PROMISE,
AND I COULDN'T DO THAT TO ELTON.
OH, BARBARA, YOU'RE CRAZY!
[both yelling]
OH, WELL,
IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT MY
SWEET LITTLE DAUGHTERS
HAVEN'T CHANGED ONE BIT.
HEY, COME ON NOW,
WHAT'S THE BEEF?
NO BEEF, DAD.
IT'S JUST SO GREAT
HAVING YOU HERE.
JUST LIKE IT OUGHT TO BE.
ANN, ANN,
IT'S ME, THE OTHER MAN.
THE BETTER ONE.
I'M SORRY, DAVID.
I GUESS THAT ANNOUNCEMENT
KINDA TOOK ME BY SURPRISE.
OH, NO, NOT REALLY.
I MEAN, ED CERTAINLY HAS
A RIGHT TO GET MARRIED.
THAT'S VERY GENEROUS OF YOU.
[sighing]
IT'S JUST STUPID OF HIM
RUSHING INTO IT SO SOON.
ARE YOU SURE THERE'S, UH, NOTHING
LEFT THERE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU?
OF COURSE NOT.
I WISH THEM ALL THE
HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.
AND IF HE WANTS
TO MARRY VICKI, FINE.
ANYWAY, SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
YOU'D NEVER KNOW
SHE HAD A NOSE JOB.
ACTUALLY SHE
DIDN'T REALLY NEED IT,
BUT THE DENTIST WHO
CAPPED HER TEETH
SUGGESTED A GOOD
PLASTIC SURGEON.
ALL RIGHT, UH, CARE FOR A DRINK?
A NICE SAUCER OF
MILK OR SOMETHING?
[both laughing]
OK, OK.
AH, BUT, DAVID, YOU CAN'T
BE MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS
AND LET SOMETHING LIKE
THIS HAPPEN WITHOUT FEELING...
[sighing]
SOMETHING.
OK, CANCEL THE SAUCER OF MILK.
I'LL FIX US A NICE
SAUCER OF MARTINIS.
[girls laughing]
DADDY!
[groaning]
I THINK WE'VE
OUTGROWN THIS GAME.
YEAH, CAREFUL, GIRLS.
REMEMBER YOUR FATHER
HAS A HONEYMOON COMING UP.
HAS DAVID GONE?
UH, TENDING BAR.
OH.
OH, I'M FIXING A MARTINI FOR
ANN. WOULD YOU LIKE ONE, ED?
OH, YES, THANK YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY, UH, LIGHT
ON THE VERMOUTH FOR ANN.
SHE LIKES THEM VERY DRY
WITH A TWIST OF
LEMON ON THE ROCKS.
SHE ALSO LIKES CINNAMON
TOAST FOR BREAKFAST.
BREAKFAST, HUH? SHE MUST BE
GETTING A LOT MORE REST THESE DAYS.
I JUST HAD AN INSPIRATION.
WHY DON'T WE INVITE
DAD FOR DINNER?
UH, BARBARA... OH,
DAD, PLEASE STAY.
OH, LOOK, HONEY, THANKS,
BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO IMPOSE.
HOW CAN A FATHER IMPOSE?
ED, YOU KNOW YOU'RE WELCOME.
WELL, WHY NOT? I MEAN,
WHATEVER ELSE WE DISAGREED ON,
IT WASN'T YOUR MOTHER'S COOKING.
TRUE.
HERE YOU GO. OH, THANK YOU.
HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU, DAVID.
OH, DAVID, YOU WERE GONNA
TAKE US ALL OUT TO DINNER.
NO PROBLEM. HEY, IT WAS
JUST THE ESCOFFIER ROOM,
CONFIRMED RESERVATION FOR
4, CORNER TABLE, NO BIG DEAL.
YOU'LL STAY HERE FOR DINNER?
NO, NO.
GREAT!
I, UH, I MEAN, WELL,
YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY,
BUT YOU KNOW, YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO STICK AROUND
FOR THE OLD FAMILY
TALK, YOU KNOW.
MOM, REMEMBER WHEN
DAD BUILT THE TREE HOUSE?
I REMEMBER WHEN IT FELL.
IT WAS MY FAULT. I WAS IN IT.
BUT YOU KNOW, YOU GIRLS
WERE ALWAYS IN MY DEN.
IT WAS THE ONLY PLACE I
COULD GET SOME PRIVACY.
REMEMBER WHEN MOM THOUGHT IT WAS
A PEEPING TOM AND CALLED THE COPS?
UH, FEEL FREE TO HELP YOURSELF
TO THE SALAMI, CAVIAR,
PATE, WHATEVER.
DAVID... OH, BY THE WAY,
THERE IS A DEPOSIT ON THE
ROOTIE-TOOTIE BOTTLES, DON'T FORGET.
UH-OH. DRINKING
ALONE, EH, COUNSELOR?
I'M NOT DRINKING ALONE.
THAT'S A BAD SIGN. I'M
NOT DRINKING ALONE.
I HATE TO SEE SOME
FRIENDS OF MINE DRINK ALONE.
UH, SCHNEIDER, LISTEN... LOOK,
I'VE SEEN THE GUY
COME INTO THE BUILDING.
EL MUCHO MACHO.
YOU GOT A LOT OF
PROBLEMS. HOLD ON.
UH, SCHNEIDER, UH,
LOOK, I... I REALLY...
I... I REALLY DON'T WANNA
TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.
OK, WE CAN TALK ABOUT
IT LATER. AT YOUR PLACE.
I'LL BE UP LATER ON AND WE'LL
TALK ABOUT IT, MAN TO MAN.
HEY, THAT'S SWEET
OF YOU, REALLY...
WE'LL RAP ALL NIGHT IF WE HAVE TO.
WE CAN STRAIGHTEN THIS THING OUT.
I'LL BRING UP A BOTTLE OF ALABAMA
SUNRISE AND WE'LL KNOCK IT RIGHT DOWN.
SCHNEIDER, YOU KNOW,
YOU LOOK... YOU LOOK A
LITTLE SHAKY ON THAT LADDER.
UH, I THINK YOU BETTER, UH, PUT
YOUR LEFT LEG IN JUST A LITTLE.
I-I-I'M... THERE YOU
GO, ALL YOURS.
HEY, HEY!
MR. KANE!
[inaudible]
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST!
[laughing]
VERY GOOD. THAT WAS 8 SECONDS.
OH, IT WAS TOO EASY, I TOLD YOU.
YOU NEVER GIVE A
CUCKOO TO A CUCKOO!
OK, MY TURN, MY
TURN, MY TURN, OK.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE
WATCH. OK, I GOT THIS.
OK.
[whispering] WHICH ONE IS IT?
HINDENBERG. OK.
I'M GONNA DO THIS GREAT,
OK? ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?
SURE, MA.
THIS IS TERRIFIC NOW.
OK, THIS IS FAST, SET, OK, OK.
READY? GO.
(Ed) ANOTHER CUCKOO.
COME ON THIS IS A
GAME AND I'M SERIOUS.
IT'S A MOVIE, IT'S A
MOVIE. GO AHEAD. OK.
YEAH, THE WHOLE THING,
YEAH, CIGARETTE. SMOKE.
[spitting] UH, CIGAR.
A BIG CIGAR, LONG, LONGER.
BIGGER CIGAR, EXPLODING CIGAR.
[grunting]
PSST.
BLAZING SADDLES.
NO!
IT'S TIME.
TIME'S UP. DON'T
YOU KNOW WHAT...
YEAH, THE HINDENBERG. I
HEARD BARBIE TELL JULIE.
[all chattering]
ISN'T THIS FUN? ALL
OF US ARE TOGETHER.
IT'S LIKE OLD HOME WEEK.
OH.
OH, I WANT SOME
COFFEE. YOU WANT SOME?
OH, HOW SOON THEY FORGET. YOU
KNOW COFFEE KEEPS ME AWAKE ALL NIGHT.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
IN CASE YOU GIRLS DIDN'T KNOW
IT, YOU WERE COFFEE BABIES.
HEY.
UH, WHAT TIME IS IT?
OH, 10 AFTER 11:00.
OOH, COME ON, IT'S
LATE. TIME TO GO TO BED.
[girls protesting]
(Ann) COME ON, TO BED, TO BED.
I'LL BE IN TO SAY
GOODBYE BEFORE I GO.
THEY'RE GETTING ALONG GREAT.
BARBARA, JUST DON'T
GET YOUR HOPES UP, OK?
BUT THEY COULD
GET BACK TOGETHER.
WHY? BECAUSE WE PLAYED
A FEW GAMES OF CHARADES?
I THINK YOU'RE WRONG.
DEAD WRONG.
YOU KNOW, EVERY
TIME I SEE THOSE GIRLS,
I REALIZE HOW MUCH I MISS
THE FUN OF BEING WITH THEM,
WATCHING THEM
WHILE THEY GROW UP.
AH, ED, YOU SEE
THEM WHEN YOU WANT.
MMM.
YOU KNOW, I STILL CAN'T KEEP FROM
WONDERING WHAT WENT WRONG.
I MEAN, I BROKE MY BACK
TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
YOU WANTED YOUR OWN HOUSE,
I GOT YOU ONE RIGHT AWAY.
YOU WANTED A CAR, I
GOT YOU THAT RIGHT AWAY.
YOU WANTED 2 KIDS, I GOT YOU...
IT TOOK 18 MONTHS,
BUT WE GOT THOSE, TOO.
I TOOK CARE OF YOU IN EVERY WAY.
NOT IN EVERY WAY. I WANTED
TO BE MY OWN PERSON.
COME ON, LET'S NOT
GO INTO IT AGAIN.
WE'VE TALKED ABOUT
IT A MILLION TIMES.
NOT REALLY.
WE NEVER REALLY TALKED.
OH, ANN, WE TALKED
AND TALKED AND TALKED.
OH, SOME TALKS.
AS I REMEMBER, YOU ALWAYS SAID,
"LET'S SETTLE IT
IN THE BEDROOM."
AS I RECALL, THOSE WERE
NOT SUCH BAD SETTLEMENTS.
OH, I GUESS, UH, JULIE AND
BARBARA WEREN'T, UH, COFFEE BABIES.
THEY WERE SETTLEMENT BABIES.
OH, ED, ED, ED.
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, WE ALMOST HAD AN ARGUMENT,
BUT WE ENDED UP LAUGHING.
HMM, YEAH, THAT DIDN'T
HAPPEN VERY OFTEN, DID IT?
UH-UH
MAYBE WE DID TALK.
I THINK THE PROBLEM WAS
WE NEVER REALLY LISTENED.
YEAH.
SOMETHING ELSE IS DIFFERENT.
[sighing]
THE ANGER IS GONE.
YEAH, IT'S GETTING LATE.
I'VE GOT A LONG DRIVE HOME.
I BETTER SAY
GOODBYE TO THE GIRLS.
ED,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE THAT DRIVE TONIGHT.
YOU CAN STAY HERE.
HERE?
HERE, HERE.
IT'S A DEAL.
HA, OK.
I'M SURE THE GIRLS WILL
BE VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT.
YEAH, IT'LL BE NICE.
AND WE CAN ALL HAVE BREAKFAST
TOGETHER IN THE MORNING.
UH, BLUEBERRY
MUFFINS? YOU GOT IT.
[laughing]
♪ [Ann humming]
YOU STILL THINK I'M WRONG?
(female announcer) THIS PROGRAM
WAS RECORDED ON TAPE
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪
♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ THIS IS IT ♪
♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BE SURE AT ALL ♪
♪ SO WHILE YOU'RE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪
♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪
♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪
♪ SOMEWHERE THERE'S
MUSIC PLAYING ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ♪
♪ WE'LL JUST TAKE
IT LIKE IT COMES ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
[grunting]
AH. YEAH.
SURE. HERE'S YOUR
TROUBLE RIGHT HERE.
IT'S AN OLIVE PIT. JAMS UP
THE DISPOSAL EVERY TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, YOU...
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF THING.
IT WON'T CHEW, IT WON'T GRIND,
IT JUST LAYS THERE AND HICCUPS.
HICCUP, HICCUP, HICCUP, HICCUP.
SCHNEIDER, I'M TRYING
TO DO MY HOMEWORK.
OH, I'M SORRY.
WHAT KIND OF HOMEWORK YOU DOIN'?
ALGEBRA.
OH, ALGEBRA.
I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.
YOU SEE, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M
JUST BRAWN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THEY THINK I NEGLECTED
MY EDUCATION.
BUT ALGEBRA WAS ONE
OF MY BEST SUBJECTS.
WHAT, UH, WHAT
PROBLEM YOU WORKIN' ON?
ALL RIGHT, IN MONOMIALS,
IF "X" AND "Y" ARE VARIABLES,
IS THE PHRASE "5X
OVER Y" A MONOMIAL
OR DIVISION BY A VARIABLE?
SEE, IF YOU KEEP
ASKING FOR HELP,
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA LEARN THIS.
I... I MEAN, NOW, THE
ANSWER IS IN THERE.
YOU JUST LOOK AROUND THE COSINE.
UH, WHERE'S THE LEAKY FAUCET?
IN THE BATHROOM. I'LL GO FIX IT.
BUT YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
JULIE'S TAKING A SHOWER
AND THAT CAN TAKE FOREVER.
SHE TAKES A LOT OF SHOWERS.
I MEAN, THAT'S WRONG. IT'S...
THE... THE WATER PRESSURE IN
THIS BUILDING IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH.
EVERY TIME SHE TAKES A SHOWER,
SOMEBODY IN THE BUILDING LOSES THE FLUSH.
ALSO, WHEN SOMEONE FLUSHES,
SOMEONE ELSE CAN'T SHOWER.
WHAT WE NEED HERE
IS A BALANCE OF POWER.
I MEAN, LESS SHOWERING
AND MORE FLUSHING
OR LESS FLUSHING
AND MORE SHOWERING.
PERSONALLY, I THINK
FLUSHING IS MORE IMPORTANT.
[telephone ringing]
HELLO? DADDY!
HI!
OH, YEAH. YOU'RE...
YOU'RE IN TOWN!
YOU'RE COMING OVER?
YEAH. I CAN'T... I CAN'T WAIT.
YEAH, I'M WEARING
MY GREEN-PLAID SKIRT.
AND MY GREEN BLOUSE.
UH, WELL, YEAH, AND
MY POLKA-DOT SCARF.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU NEVER MISS.
OK, I CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE YOU. BYE.
MY DAD IS IN TOWN!
HE'S COMING OVER.
THAT'S, UH, THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT WAS THAT ROUTINE
WITH THE CLOTHES?
OH, WELL, IT'S A GAME WE'VE
PLAYED EVER SINCE I WAS A KID.
WHEN HE WAS OUT OF TOWN,
HE'D LOVE TO CALL AND
GUESS WHAT I WAS WEARING.
OH, YOU MEAN, LIKE HE WAS SOME
KIND OF PHYSIC OR SOMETHING.
WHY IS HE COMING HERE?
I THOUGHT YOU KIDS
ALWAYS WENT TO VISIT HIM.
I... I DON'T KNOW.
ALL I KNOW IS I'M GONNA SEE HIM.
[sighing]
YOU REALLY DIG HIM, DON'T YOU?
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S THE ONLY THING
I'VE MISSED IN MY LIFE.
HAVING KIDS.
OF COURSE, NATURALLY, WITH ME,
I'D HAVE BOYS.
I CAN SEE MY KID NOW,
THE STAR PITCHER,
HE'S OUT ON THE
MOUND, ALL ALONE.
IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE 9TH,
THERE'S MEN ON BASE,
AND HE'S PITCHIN'
HIS WAY OUT OF A JAM.
HE'S GOT HIS FOOT ON THE RUBBER,
TAKES A STRETCH,
AND HE LETS GO A BLAZING FAST
BALL THAT CATCHES THE OUTSIDE.
BANG, THE BATTER HITS IT.
IT'S A LONG FLYING
BALL, LONG FLYING BALL,
IT'S GOIN', IT'S
GOIN', IT'S GONE.
A HOME RUN!
BUT THAT'S OK. THE
BATTER IS MY KID, TOO!
[laughing]
OH, SCHNEIDER, HOW COME
YOU NEVER HAD ANY KIDS?
WELL, IT'S TOUGH TO HAVE KIDS
WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS ANNULLED
BEFORE YOU CAN
REGISTER AT THE MOTEL.
W-WHY WAS IT ANNULLED?
IT WASN'T MY BRIDE I
WAS REGISTERING WITH.
THAT'S ONLY A JOKE.
I'M KIDDING YOU.
OH, WELL, THE GODDESS
EMERGES FROM THE WATERFALL.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE COSTING
THIS BUILDING A LOT OF FLUSHES.
WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?
NEVER MIND. GUESS WHO CALLED?
DAD! HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER! WHAT?
DADDY? YES.
DID HE SAY WHY?
HE SAID HE'LL TELL
US WHEN HE GOT HERE.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HE'S COMING OVER HERE.
♪ ROLL THE RUG UP ♪
♪ IT'S TODAY ♪
♪ TA-DAH! ♪
(both) WHAT? WHAT?
I GOT THE JOB!
[cheering]
ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC?
OH. OH.
YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE PERSONAL
ASSISTANT TO THE VICE PRESIDENT
OF THE PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRM
OF CONNORS AND DAVENPORT!
[both cheering]
AND THEY REALLY HAVE SOME
INTERESTING CLIENTS, TOO.
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE RUNNING "THE
HUMPHREY FOR PRESIDENT" CAMPAIGN.
HUMPHREY ISN'T
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
WELL, SEE, THAT'S OUR JOB.
WE HAVE TO REMIND THE
PUBLIC HE ISN'T RUNNING,
SO NOBODY'LL
FORGET HE IS RUNNING.
HEY, MAYBE I'LL EVEN
GET TO TALK TO HIM.
NO, WITH HUBERT, ALL
I'LL GET TO DO IS LISTEN.
[Ann exclaiming]
WELL, I GOT YOUR LEAK
FIXED. AND I GOT BOTH KNOBS
POINTING AT 6:00,
THE WAY THEY SHOULD.
AND CONGRATULATIONS ON THE JOB.
YOU HEARD? I HEARD?
YOU WERE SCREAMING SO LOUD, THE
TIDY-BOWL MAN PUT HIS HANDS OVER HIS EARS!
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
AND AS WE SAY IN THE TRADE,
KEEP YOUR PLUNGER DRY.
[laughing]
YOU KNOW, TODAY, EVEN
SCHNEIDER'S JOKES DON'T BOTHER ME.
MOM, DAD CALLED.
HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER.
THAT BOTHERS ME.
WHY?
HE DIDN'T SAY, HE SAID HE'D
TELL US WHEN HE GETS HERE.
HE'S NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE. THERE'S
GOT TO BE A PRETTY GOOD REASON.
[knocking on door]
I GOT EVERYTHING HERE.
FOR WHAT? THE PARTY.
WHAT PARTY?
TO CELEBRATE YOUR NEW JOB!
HOW DID YOU HEAR?
AH, WELL, IT COULD'VE
BEEN INTUITION,
SOME CONGRESSIONAL
COMMITTEE MIGHT HAVE LEAKED IT,
OR AS I RECALL, YOU PHONED ME
THE MINUTE YOU GOT THE JOB.
THAT'S RIGHT, I DID.
DAVID, I TELL YOU, EVER SINCE I
GOT THIS JOB, I HAVE BEEN FLYING.
WELL, I HAVE EVERYTHING
HERE TO FILL THE FRIENDLY SKIES.
A GENUINE ITALIAN SALAMI.
WHOOPS.
I KNEW YOU WERE OUT
OF GIN, SINCE I FINISHED IT.
A LITTLE PATE DE FOIE GRAS
AND A JAR OF GENUINE
IMPORTED CAVIAR
FOR WHICH A PREGNANT
RUSSIAN STURGEON
HAPPILY PUT UP HER
EGGS FOR ADOPTION.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
FOR THE YOUNG FOLKS...
A 6-PACK OF VINTAGE
ROOTIE-TOOTIE.
DAVID, IT'S A VIRTUAL FEAST.
YES, AND THIS IS
MERELY THE BEGINNING
BECAUSE TONIGHT I'M TAKING
YOU ALL OUT TO DINNER AT,
YOU GUESSED IT, (all)
THE ESCOFFIER ROOM.
OH, DAVID, IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
UH, BUT WE CAN'T
MAKE ANY PLANS AS YET.
THERE'S A LITTLE SURPRISE.
ED'S IN TOWN. HE'S, UH,
GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
ED? YOUR ED?
I-ISN'T THAT GREAT?
GREAT, GREAT.
UH... GEE, I, UH,
HAVEN'T SEEN OLD ED SINCE
I HANDLED YOUR DIVORCE.
IT WAS ALL VERY CIVILIZED,
I RECALL WE WERE VERY
MATURE ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I REMEMBER HIS PARTING COMMENT
TO ME ON THE COURTHOUSE STEPS.
"SHYSTER!"
UH, WHAT DO YOU
SUPPOSE HE WANTS?
WE DON'T KNOW.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE, I THINK I
KNOW WHY HE'S COMING.
HE'S GONNA DO HIS,
"I KNEW YOU COULDN'T
MAKE IT ALONE, ANN."
AND HE'S GOING TO COME OVER
TO SEE IF HE CAN BAIL ME OUT.
OH, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
I MEAN, THE TIMING IS
ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
WHEN HE LAYS IT ON
ME, I CAN HIT HIM WITH,
"ED, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
"I JUST GOT A GREAT JOB
AND I'M ON MY WAY, AND LISTEN,
"IF THINGS EVER
GET TOUGH FOR YOU,
"LET ME KNOW AND I'LL, UH,
BAIL YOU OUT."
[exclaiming]
I CAN'T WAIT.
UH, MAMA, IF DADDY'S
REALLY COMING OVER TO HELP,
YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE
THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE.
DAD'S NEVER FORGOTTEN US.
UH, YEAH, RIGHT, UH,
LOOK, I-I'M SORRY.
I GUESS I'M JUST...
FEELING MY OATS.
[doorbell ringing]
THAT'S GOTTA BE
DAD! THAT'S GOT TO BE!
[girls shrieking]
[Ed laughing]
HELLO, SWEETHEART. MMM.
HEY, LET ME LOOK AT
YOU, LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
OH, BOY, I CAN'T GET OVER
IT. IT JUST KNOCKS ME OUT
EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, HOW
FAST YOU'RE GROWING UP.
YEAH, BUT SEE, WE
GOT ONE PROBLEM.
BARBARA GROWS IN ALL DIRECTIONS,
AND I JUST KEEP
GOING STRAIGHT UP.
DON'T SAY THAT, HONEY. YOU'RE
PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
HELLO, ED.
HI, ANN.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
AND YOU LOOK MORE
BEAUTIFUL THAN EVER.
OH, THANK YOU.
DIVORCE BECOMES YOU.
YES, I TOLD HER IT WOULD.
THE SAME OLD DAVID. HI.
YOU'VE LOST A LITTLE
WEIGHT, HAVEN'T YOU?
OH, YEAH, I'VE DROPPED
A LITTLE WEIGHT.
HOW MUCH MORE YOU GOT
TO GO? ABOUT 25, 30 POUNDS?
DADDY, COME SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
OH, COME ON.
ED, UH, LOOK, UH, I
KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME A LECTURE
ON THE TROUBLES I'M
HAVING MAKING ENDS MEET.
WELL, YOU COULD HAVE
SAVED YOURSELF A TRIP
BECAUSE I'M IN FANTASTIC SHAPE.
I MEAN, I JUST FOUND THE
PERFECT JOB AND I'M SET!
OH, SET!
ANN, THAT'S GREAT!
I MEAN, I COULDN'T
BE MORE DELIGHTED.
YOU'RE DELIGHTED.
YES.
I MEAN, FRANKLY, IT MAKES IT A LOT EASIER
FOR ME TO SAY WHAT I HAVE GOT TO SAY.
[clearing throat]
ANN, KIDS...
[clearing throat]
I'M GETTING MARRIED TO VICKI.
CONGRATULATIONS!
WELL, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
I... I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING I
SHOULD TELL YOU ALL PERSONALLY.
ED,
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
REALLY, I-I-I'M VERY
HAPPY FOR YOU.
THANKS, ANN.
HEY, I REALLY HOPE
THIS ONE LASTS.
HEY, YOU KIDS
HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING.
OH, UH, WE'RE HAPPY, DAD.
YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
UH, BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY,
I MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA, LIKE,
GONNA BE ENGAGED FOR A WHILE?
[laughing] HONEY,
I'M A LITTLE TOO OLD
FOR THAT ROUTINE.
AT THE END OF THE MONTH. AND I
WANT YOU BOTH TO BE THERE, OF COURSE.
WE WOULDN'T MISS IT.
YEAH.
OH, ANN, IF YOU'D
LIKE TO COME...
(both) OH, NO, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
BUT YOU BOTH HAVE TO COME.
I WOULDN'T HAVE A WEDDING
WITHOUT MY KIDS BEING THERE.
UH, LISTEN, I... I GOT TO FINISH
MY HOMEWORK. I GOT A LOT.
UH, WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME, TOO?
I THINK I'LL HELP HER. THE POOR
KID'S HOPELESS WITH ALGEBRA.
I WAS AFRAID I WAS GONNA
SHAKE THEM UP A LITTLE.
ED,
I TOLD THE GIRLS THAT SOME DAY
ONE OF US IS GONNA GET MARRIED AGAIN.
[laughs]
YOU BEAT ME.
HEY, LOOK, THEY'RE
REALLY GONNA BE OK.
THEY'RE MATURE,
SENSIBLE. DON'T WORRY.
THEY CAN HANDLE IT.
REALLY.
HE DOESN'T LOVE VICKI AND HE
DOESN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED.
OH, BARBARA, WOULD YOU
COOL IT AND STOP CRYING?
YOU'RE ALMOST 15 YEARS OLD
AND YOU'RE WETTING THE BED!
HE-HE'S ONLY GETTING
MARRIED BECAUSE HE'S LONELY.
WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM.
MOM AND DAD SPLIT.
WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO?
BUT ALL 3 OF US LEFT HIM.
ONE OF US SHOULD HAVE STAYED.
I'M GONNA MOVE IN WITH DAD.
THEN HE WON'T BE LONELY AND
HE WON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED!
YOU'RE GONNA MOVE
IN WITH DAD. JUST GREAT!
CAN'T YOU SEE? DAD'S
CRYING OUT FOR HELP.
HE'S A LONELY, DESERTED MAN.
AND I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE
WORLD WHO CARES. YOU SURE DON'T.
BARBARA, LOOK, I
KNOW HOW YOU FEEL,
BUT... BUT I'M OLDER
AND MORE MATURE.
I MEAN, I READ COSMOPOLITAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, I-I-IT'S
NOT THAT YOU'RE LOSING A FATHER,
IT'S THAT YOU'RE GETTING A
STEPMOTHER, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WOW. 16-AND-A-HALF
YEARS OF NEUROTIC WISDOM!
WHY DO YOU KEEP
PUTTING MY CLOTHES BACK?
WELL, FOR 2 REASONS.
ONE: I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO,
AND 2: YOU GOT THE WRONG DRAWER.
YOU'RE PACKING MY CLOTHES.
UH, BARBARA, LET'S TRY AND
MAKE SOME SENSE OUT OF THIS, OK?
MOVING IN WITH DAD IS NOT GOING
TO STOP HIM FROM MARRYING VICKI.
I THINK IT'S A LITTLE
TOO LATE FOR THAT.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL TELL DAD I'M PREGNANT.
THAT'LL GET HIS MIND OFF VICKI.
MY SISTER THE MORON!
YOU GOT SOME CRAZY IDEA ABOUT
MOM AND DAD GETTING
BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE HOPING FOR?
AREN'T YOU?
NO, BECAUSE I'M A REALIST.
I MEAN, WE ADJUSTED
TO THE DIVORCE.
NOW, I KNOW WE CAN HANDLE THIS.
THERE'S NO SENSE IN
GETTING OUR HOPES UP.
"OUR HOPES." YOU SAID "OUR
HOPES." YOU WANT THEM TOGETHER.
NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
YOU DID, TOO. WE CAN
GET THEM BACK TOGETHER.
BARBARA, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
DAD LOVES VICKI,
MOM LOVES DAVID...
DAVID! WE'VE GOT
TO GET RID OF HIM.
OH, WONDERFUL.
I'LL OPEN THE WINDOW,
YOU TOSS HIM OUT.
"BYE, DAVID. CATCH
YOU LATER." SPLAT!
I LIKE DAVID. I LIKE HIM A LOT.
BUT MOM AND DAD'LL NEVER GET BACK
TOGETHER WITH HIM HANGING AROUND.
BARBARA, STAY OUT OF THIS.
PROMISE?
COME ON, RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND,
LOOK ME STRAIGHT IN THE
EYE, AND REPEAT AFTER ME.
COME ON, UP. COME ON.
I PROMISE TO STAY OUT OF THIS.
I PROMISE TO STAY OUT OF THIS.
SO HELP ME, ELTON JOHN.
CAN'T IT BE DONNIE OSMOND?
NOPE.
NOPE, ELTON JOHN.
WHAT ABOUT MICK JAGGER?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ELTON JOHN?
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL
BE ABLE TO KEEP MY PROMISE,
AND I COULDN'T DO THAT TO ELTON.
OH, BARBARA, YOU'RE CRAZY!
[both yelling]
OH, WELL,
IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT MY
SWEET LITTLE DAUGHTERS
HAVEN'T CHANGED ONE BIT.
HEY, COME ON NOW,
WHAT'S THE BEEF?
NO BEEF, DAD.
IT'S JUST SO GREAT
HAVING YOU HERE.
JUST LIKE IT OUGHT TO BE.
ANN, ANN,
IT'S ME, THE OTHER MAN.
THE BETTER ONE.
I'M SORRY, DAVID.
I GUESS THAT ANNOUNCEMENT
KINDA TOOK ME BY SURPRISE.
OH, NO, NOT REALLY.
I MEAN, ED CERTAINLY HAS
A RIGHT TO GET MARRIED.
THAT'S VERY GENEROUS OF YOU.
[sighing]
IT'S JUST STUPID OF HIM
RUSHING INTO IT SO SOON.
ARE YOU SURE THERE'S, UH, NOTHING
LEFT THERE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU?
OF COURSE NOT.
I WISH THEM ALL THE
HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.
AND IF HE WANTS
TO MARRY VICKI, FINE.
ANYWAY, SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
YOU'D NEVER KNOW
SHE HAD A NOSE JOB.
ACTUALLY SHE
DIDN'T REALLY NEED IT,
BUT THE DENTIST WHO
CAPPED HER TEETH
SUGGESTED A GOOD
PLASTIC SURGEON.
ALL RIGHT, UH, CARE FOR A DRINK?
A NICE SAUCER OF
MILK OR SOMETHING?
[both laughing]
OK, OK.
AH, BUT, DAVID, YOU CAN'T
BE MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS
AND LET SOMETHING LIKE
THIS HAPPEN WITHOUT FEELING...
[sighing]
SOMETHING.
OK, CANCEL THE SAUCER OF MILK.
I'LL FIX US A NICE
SAUCER OF MARTINIS.
[girls laughing]
DADDY!
[groaning]
I THINK WE'VE
OUTGROWN THIS GAME.
YEAH, CAREFUL, GIRLS.
REMEMBER YOUR FATHER
HAS A HONEYMOON COMING UP.
HAS DAVID GONE?
UH, TENDING BAR.
OH.
OH, I'M FIXING A MARTINI FOR
ANN. WOULD YOU LIKE ONE, ED?
OH, YES, THANK YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY, UH, LIGHT
ON THE VERMOUTH FOR ANN.
SHE LIKES THEM VERY DRY
WITH A TWIST OF
LEMON ON THE ROCKS.
SHE ALSO LIKES CINNAMON
TOAST FOR BREAKFAST.
BREAKFAST, HUH? SHE MUST BE
GETTING A LOT MORE REST THESE DAYS.
I JUST HAD AN INSPIRATION.
WHY DON'T WE INVITE
DAD FOR DINNER?
UH, BARBARA... OH,
DAD, PLEASE STAY.
OH, LOOK, HONEY, THANKS,
BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO IMPOSE.
HOW CAN A FATHER IMPOSE?
ED, YOU KNOW YOU'RE WELCOME.
WELL, WHY NOT? I MEAN,
WHATEVER ELSE WE DISAGREED ON,
IT WASN'T YOUR MOTHER'S COOKING.
TRUE.
HERE YOU GO. OH, THANK YOU.
HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU, DAVID.
OH, DAVID, YOU WERE GONNA
TAKE US ALL OUT TO DINNER.
NO PROBLEM. HEY, IT WAS
JUST THE ESCOFFIER ROOM,
CONFIRMED RESERVATION FOR
4, CORNER TABLE, NO BIG DEAL.
YOU'LL STAY HERE FOR DINNER?
NO, NO.
GREAT!
I, UH, I MEAN, WELL,
YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY,
BUT YOU KNOW, YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO STICK AROUND
FOR THE OLD FAMILY
TALK, YOU KNOW.
MOM, REMEMBER WHEN
DAD BUILT THE TREE HOUSE?
I REMEMBER WHEN IT FELL.
IT WAS MY FAULT. I WAS IN IT.
BUT YOU KNOW, YOU GIRLS
WERE ALWAYS IN MY DEN.
IT WAS THE ONLY PLACE I
COULD GET SOME PRIVACY.
REMEMBER WHEN MOM THOUGHT IT WAS
A PEEPING TOM AND CALLED THE COPS?
UH, FEEL FREE TO HELP YOURSELF
TO THE SALAMI, CAVIAR,
PATE, WHATEVER.
DAVID... OH, BY THE WAY,
THERE IS A DEPOSIT ON THE
ROOTIE-TOOTIE BOTTLES, DON'T FORGET.
UH-OH. DRINKING
ALONE, EH, COUNSELOR?
I'M NOT DRINKING ALONE.
THAT'S A BAD SIGN. I'M
NOT DRINKING ALONE.
I HATE TO SEE SOME
FRIENDS OF MINE DRINK ALONE.
UH, SCHNEIDER, LISTEN... LOOK,
I'VE SEEN THE GUY
COME INTO THE BUILDING.
EL MUCHO MACHO.
YOU GOT A LOT OF
PROBLEMS. HOLD ON.
UH, SCHNEIDER, UH,
LOOK, I... I REALLY...
I... I REALLY DON'T WANNA
TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.
OK, WE CAN TALK ABOUT
IT LATER. AT YOUR PLACE.
I'LL BE UP LATER ON AND WE'LL
TALK ABOUT IT, MAN TO MAN.
HEY, THAT'S SWEET
OF YOU, REALLY...
WE'LL RAP ALL NIGHT IF WE HAVE TO.
WE CAN STRAIGHTEN THIS THING OUT.
I'LL BRING UP A BOTTLE OF ALABAMA
SUNRISE AND WE'LL KNOCK IT RIGHT DOWN.
SCHNEIDER, YOU KNOW,
YOU LOOK... YOU LOOK A
LITTLE SHAKY ON THAT LADDER.
UH, I THINK YOU BETTER, UH, PUT
YOUR LEFT LEG IN JUST A LITTLE.
I-I-I'M... THERE YOU
GO, ALL YOURS.
HEY, HEY!
MR. KANE!
[inaudible]
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST!
[laughing]
VERY GOOD. THAT WAS 8 SECONDS.
OH, IT WAS TOO EASY, I TOLD YOU.
YOU NEVER GIVE A
CUCKOO TO A CUCKOO!
OK, MY TURN, MY
TURN, MY TURN, OK.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE
WATCH. OK, I GOT THIS.
OK.
[whispering] WHICH ONE IS IT?
HINDENBERG. OK.
I'M GONNA DO THIS GREAT,
OK? ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?
SURE, MA.
THIS IS TERRIFIC NOW.
OK, THIS IS FAST, SET, OK, OK.
READY? GO.
(Ed) ANOTHER CUCKOO.
COME ON THIS IS A
GAME AND I'M SERIOUS.
IT'S A MOVIE, IT'S A
MOVIE. GO AHEAD. OK.
YEAH, THE WHOLE THING,
YEAH, CIGARETTE. SMOKE.
[spitting] UH, CIGAR.
A BIG CIGAR, LONG, LONGER.
BIGGER CIGAR, EXPLODING CIGAR.
[grunting]
PSST.
BLAZING SADDLES.
NO!
IT'S TIME.
TIME'S UP. DON'T
YOU KNOW WHAT...
YEAH, THE HINDENBERG. I
HEARD BARBIE TELL JULIE.
[all chattering]
ISN'T THIS FUN? ALL
OF US ARE TOGETHER.
IT'S LIKE OLD HOME WEEK.
OH.
OH, I WANT SOME
COFFEE. YOU WANT SOME?
OH, HOW SOON THEY FORGET. YOU
KNOW COFFEE KEEPS ME AWAKE ALL NIGHT.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
IN CASE YOU GIRLS DIDN'T KNOW
IT, YOU WERE COFFEE BABIES.
HEY.
UH, WHAT TIME IS IT?
OH, 10 AFTER 11:00.
OOH, COME ON, IT'S
LATE. TIME TO GO TO BED.
[girls protesting]
(Ann) COME ON, TO BED, TO BED.
I'LL BE IN TO SAY
GOODBYE BEFORE I GO.
THEY'RE GETTING ALONG GREAT.
BARBARA, JUST DON'T
GET YOUR HOPES UP, OK?
BUT THEY COULD
GET BACK TOGETHER.
WHY? BECAUSE WE PLAYED
A FEW GAMES OF CHARADES?
I THINK YOU'RE WRONG.
DEAD WRONG.
YOU KNOW, EVERY
TIME I SEE THOSE GIRLS,
I REALIZE HOW MUCH I MISS
THE FUN OF BEING WITH THEM,
WATCHING THEM
WHILE THEY GROW UP.
AH, ED, YOU SEE
THEM WHEN YOU WANT.
MMM.
YOU KNOW, I STILL CAN'T KEEP FROM
WONDERING WHAT WENT WRONG.
I MEAN, I BROKE MY BACK
TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
YOU WANTED YOUR OWN HOUSE,
I GOT YOU ONE RIGHT AWAY.
YOU WANTED A CAR, I
GOT YOU THAT RIGHT AWAY.
YOU WANTED 2 KIDS, I GOT YOU...
IT TOOK 18 MONTHS,
BUT WE GOT THOSE, TOO.
I TOOK CARE OF YOU IN EVERY WAY.
NOT IN EVERY WAY. I WANTED
TO BE MY OWN PERSON.
COME ON, LET'S NOT
GO INTO IT AGAIN.
WE'VE TALKED ABOUT
IT A MILLION TIMES.
NOT REALLY.
WE NEVER REALLY TALKED.
OH, ANN, WE TALKED
AND TALKED AND TALKED.
OH, SOME TALKS.
AS I REMEMBER, YOU ALWAYS SAID,
"LET'S SETTLE IT
IN THE BEDROOM."
AS I RECALL, THOSE WERE
NOT SUCH BAD SETTLEMENTS.
OH, I GUESS, UH, JULIE AND
BARBARA WEREN'T, UH, COFFEE BABIES.
THEY WERE SETTLEMENT BABIES.
OH, ED, ED, ED.
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, WE ALMOST HAD AN ARGUMENT,
BUT WE ENDED UP LAUGHING.
HMM, YEAH, THAT DIDN'T
HAPPEN VERY OFTEN, DID IT?
UH-UH
MAYBE WE DID TALK.
I THINK THE PROBLEM WAS
WE NEVER REALLY LISTENED.
YEAH.
SOMETHING ELSE IS DIFFERENT.
[sighing]
THE ANGER IS GONE.
YEAH, IT'S GETTING LATE.
I'VE GOT A LONG DRIVE HOME.
I BETTER SAY
GOODBYE TO THE GIRLS.
ED,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE THAT DRIVE TONIGHT.
YOU CAN STAY HERE.
HERE?
HERE, HERE.
IT'S A DEAL.
HA, OK.
I'M SURE THE GIRLS WILL
BE VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT.
YEAH, IT'LL BE NICE.
AND WE CAN ALL HAVE BREAKFAST
TOGETHER IN THE MORNING.
UH, BLUEBERRY
MUFFINS? YOU GOT IT.
[laughing]
♪ [Ann humming]
YOU STILL THINK I'M WRONG?
(female announcer) THIS PROGRAM
WAS RECORDED ON TAPE
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.