One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 1, Episode 13 - Father David - full transcript

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪

♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BE SURE AT ALL ♪

♪ SO WHILE YOU'RE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪

♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪

♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪



♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE THERE'S
MUSIC PLAYING ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ♪

♪ WE'LL JUST TAKE
IT LIKE IT COMES ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

[whirring]



[whirring stops]

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

I'M DOING ALL MY WORK
BEFORE MOM GETS HOME.

COULD YOU PUT AWAY THE VACUUM?

WHAT... WHAT'S THE RUSH?

I WANT HER TO BE IN A GOOD MOOD

SO I CAN TELL HER THE BAD NEWS.

WHAT BAD NEWS?

MUST I EXPLAIN EVERYTHING?

YES.

IT'S NOT BAD NEWS,
IT'S GOOD NEWS.

WELL, IT'S GOOD NEWS FOR US,

BUT IT MIGHT BE
BAD NEWS FOR MOM.

AND IF IT'S BAD NEWS FOR MOM,
IT'LL BE TERRIBLE NEWS FOR US,

BECAUSE IT'S JUST
FANTASTIC NEWS.

YOUR I.Q. TEST RESULTS CAME BACK

AND YOU'VE BEEN ACCEPTED
TO THE FUNNY FARM.

JULIE, PETE STRANTON
IS COMING TO OUR HOME.

OH, THAT EXPLAINS IT. IT'S LOVE.

IT'S THE WHOLE BASKETBALL TEAM.

I'VE BEEN ELECTED TO GIVE THE END
OF THE SEASON BREAK TRAINING PARTY.

HERE? YEAH.

THE BREAK TRAINING BLAST?

I THOUGHT JAN WAS GONNA HAVE IT.

WELL, UH, HER PARENTS HAD A
SUDDEN NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. WE REALLY
GOT THE BREAK TRAINING PARTY.

OH, BARBARA, THAT IS FANTASTIC.

ALL THOSE TALL
GUYS. LET ME HELP YOU.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS CONVINCE MOM.

AH, BEFORE SHE HAS A
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

HELLO, MY DARLING DAUGHTERS.

HASN'T IT BEEN A BEAUTIFUL DAY?

YEAH, IT SURE HAS.

HEY, THIS PLACE LOOKS TERRIFIC.

YOU GIRLS HAVE BEEN BUSY.

THANKS, UH, I THOUGHT I-I'D
START DINNER TONIGHT, IS THAT OK?

OH, HO-HO, WELL.

CAN'T COMPLAIN
ABOUT THAT, CAN I?

IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT WE DO
OUR SHARE AROUND HERE...

BARBARA, DON'T OVERDO
IT. SHE'S IN A GOOD MOOD.

MOM, MOM, SOMETHING GREAT
HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY.

OOH, YOU GOT AN "A" ON
YOUR GEOMETRY EXAM.

UH, NOT EXACTLY.

THAT'S NOT WHAT
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

BUT THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT. WHAT DID YOU GET?

I GOT BETTER NEWS. WHAT
DID YOU GET ON THE TEST?

I GOT A VERY HIGH "D."

A "D"?

OH, JULIE, YOU TOLD ME
YOU WERE PREPARED FOR IT.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHY I LET YOU GO
SEE CUCKOO'S NEST LAST NIGHT.

WELL, NO MORE MOVIES
UNTIL YOU UP THAT GRADE.

YOU AND YOUR HIGH "D" BRAIN.

AND, UH, JUST WHAT ARE
YOU UP TO, BABY DAUGHTER?

WHY ARE YOU, UH,
BUTTERING ME UP?

OK. OK, MAKE IT... MAKE IT
HARD FOR ME TO ASK YOU.

I-IT'S HARD ENOUGH MOVING INTO
YOUR NEW YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS, AND GET
IN WITH THE GOOD, CLEAN CROWD AND...

BARBARA.

CUT THE BULL. WHAT IS IT?

BASKETBALL SEASON
IS OVER FRIDAY,

AND THEY ASKED ME TO
HAVE A PARTY FOR THE TEAM.

THEY'RE THE NICEST
GUYS IN SCHOOL.

YEAH, AND THEY'RE ALL TALL.

PETE STRANTON SAID HE'D COME. THAT'S
THE FIRST TIME HE EVER TALKED TO ME.

CAN WE HAVE IT, MOM, PLEASE?

(Barbara) PLEASE.

WHY NOT?

I MEAN, I THINK IT'S ABOUT
TIME YOU GIRLS HAD A PARTY.

OH, THANK YOU, MOM.

I'VE GOT TO GET THINGS READY.

I GOTTA CALL EVERYBODY,
GET THE DECORATIONS.

WHAT TIME WILL DINNER BE READY?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
FIXING DINNER TONIGHT.

I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING.

SEDUCED AND ABANDONED.

MOM, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE PARTY,

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

OH, YOU BETTER GET
BUSY. TOMORROW'S FRIDAY.

NO, THE LAST GAME
IS FRIDAY NIGHT.

THE PARTY'S SATURDAY NIGHT.

OH. HEY, LOOK.

I'M SORRY. IT CAN'T
BE SATURDAY NIGHT.

WHY NOT? I'M NOT GONNA BE HERE.

I'M GOING TO THE WEDDING. I'M
NOT GOING TO BE HOME UNTIL LATE.

WHAT WEDDING? CARLA'S.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS PREGNANT.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S PART OF IT.

HEY, UH, LOOK. I'M SORRY.

OH, CAN'T WE HOLD
THE PARTY, ANYWAY?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE.

CAN'T THEY POSTPONE THE WEDDING?

ONLY IF THEY CAN
POSTPONE THE BABY.

HEY, LOOK. COME ON.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T HAVE
THE PARTY UNLESS I'M HERE.

MA, CHAPERONES WENT
OUT WITH OZZIE AND HARRIET.

PETE WILL THINK I'M A CHILD.

I'LL NEVER GET TO MEET
ANY BASKETBALL PLAYERS.

ALL I MEET ARE
SHORT, DINKY GUYS.

JULIE.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO HAS TO
DANCE WITH YOUR CHEST IN THEIR EYES.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU I WANTED
YOU TO HAVE THE PARTY, RIGHT?

BUT WITHOUT SUPERVISION,
THESE THINGS CAN GET OUT OF HAND.

YOU DON'T TRUST US.
YOU THINK WE'RE KIDS.

LOOK, I SAID, NO PARTY
AND THAT IS FINAL.

[knocking on door]

HI, ANN.

HI, KIDS. WE'RE NOT KIDS.

YOU DON'T TRUST US EITHER.

I'M ALMOST OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE,

BUT I AM NOT OLD
ENOUGH TO HAVE A PARTY.

WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?

NO, DAVID. IT'S JUST
THE SAME OLD FIGHT.

IT STARTED WHEN
JULIE WANTED HEINZ

AND I WAS TRYING TO
FEED HER GERBER'S.

OH, HEY, SPEAKING OF GREAT FOOD,

WE ARE FINALLY GOING TO THE
ESCOFFIER ROOM, UH, FOR DINNER.

I GOT THE RESERVATIONS
FROM A CLIENT OF MINE.

[laughs] THAT'S TERRIFIC.

YEAH, YEAH, HE'S GOING TO
JAIL. HE WON'T BE NEEDING 'EM.

UH, UH, LISTEN, I-I'LL PICK YOU UP
ABOUT 8:00, SATURDAY NIGHT, OK?

WHAT? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, OH, I'LL GIVE YOU ONE HINT.

UH, "HERE COMES THE
BRIDE, BIG, FAT AND WIDE."

OH, CARLA.

THE, UH, QUICKIE WEDDING, HMM.

OH, WELL, I GUESS I'LL BE
ALL ALONE BY MY TELEPHONE.

OH, DAVID. DAVID, YOU
BEAUTIFUL MAN, YOU'RE...

NO WAY, NO WAY. I AM NOT
GOING TO THE ESCOFFIER ROOM

WITH A BIG MAC
STOMACH. FORGET IT.

YOU COULD SAVE MY LIFE.

RIGHT. I MEAN, YOU COULD BE OZZIE
WHILE HARRIET GOES TO THE WEDDING.

HEY.

YOU CAN'T ASK DAVID TO DO THAT.

DO WHAT?

CHAPERONE OUR
PARTY SATURDAY NIGHT.

WHAT PARTY? THE BIG BLAST!

I MEAN, THE PARTY FOR
THE BASKETBALL TEAM.

OH, DAVID, PLEASE, YOU
WON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

JUST HANG AROUND
LIKE YOU USUALLY DO.

WELL, HMM.

PLEASE, DAVID.

[knocking on door]

UH-OH. ANY, UH...

ANYBODY WANT SOME FISH?

OH.

HUH? HEY, I'M TALKIN'
ABOUT FRESH FISH.

LOOK, THIS IS TODAY'S PAPER.

[exclaims]

NO, UH, THANK YOU,
SCHNEIDER, REALLY.

PLEASE, DAVID. PLEASE.

HEY, HEY, HEY, COME ON.
STOP PRESSURING DAVID.

I'LL TAKE THEIR HEADS OFF.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GUT 'EM.

NO, THANK YOU, SCHNEIDER.

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU
GO, COUNSELOR. HERE.

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: "A
FISH A DAY KEEPS THE FLAB AWAY."

[groans]

AH.

YES. WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR
THEY'RE GOOD FOR SOMETHING.

YOU'VE PROVED THEY
AREN'T BRAIN FOOD.

OH, DOESN'T ANYONE
CARE ABOUT OUR PARTY?

YOU HAVIN' A PARTY?
WELL, HAVE SOME FISH.

THEY MAKE A DELIGHTFUL
BOUILLA-BOUILLABAISSE.

SCHNEIDER, IT'S FOR
THE BASKETBALL TEAM.

THE END OF THE SEASON PARTY.

RIGHT. MOM'S GOING TO A WEDDING,

AND DAVID'S GONNA BE OUR
CHAPERONE, AREN'T YOU, DAVID?

COME ON.

YOU ARE LEAVING
TEDDY THE BEAR...

IN CHARGE OF THE KIDS.

SCHNEIDER, LISTEN.

MISS ROMANO, IT'S THE
END OF THE SEASON.

THESE JOCKS, THEY'RE
BREAKING TRAINING.

THEY HAVEN'T HAD ANY
DAMES OR ANY... ANY BOOZE

FOR 4 MONTHS.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. I MEAN...

(Schneider) I'M SURPRISED.

I'M SURPRISED AT
YOU, MISS ROMANO.

LEAVING THE DUMPLING HERE IN CHARGE
OF YOUR DAUGHTERS' VIRTUEHOOD.

SCHNEIDER, UH,

I ASSURE YOU I AM ENTIRELY
CAPABLE OF PROTECTING

THEIR VIRTUEHOOD.

HE'S GONNA DO IT. HE'S
GONNA DO IT. THANK YOU, DAVID.

OH, WELL... WE LOVE YOU.

WELL, HOW CAN I REFUSE?

UH, ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, HEY, LOOK, I'M... I'M
HAPPY TO HELP OUT, REALLY.

SCHNEIDER, SCHNEIDER, HOW
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE OVER

MY RESERVATION AT THE ESCOFFIER?

NAH, I GOT A HAIRCUT ALL READY.

LOOK.

NOW THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE.

WHO WANTS SOME OF THESE
MISSOURI RIVER CRAPPIES?

NO, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE SURE? ALL RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE PARTY.

I'LL... I'LL LOOK IN, AND IF THE
PARTY'S RUNNING A LITTLE BIT LATE,

I'LL JUST FLICK OFF THE LIGHTS.

FANTASTIC.

I AIN'T FLICKIN' OFF NO LIGHTS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE LIGHTS.

YOU JUST GO TO THE
WEDDING. HAVE A GOOD TIME.

OOH, HEY, LISTEN.

DOWNSTAIRS, I GOT A... I GOT A
COWBELL IF YOU'D LIKE TO TIE IT

UNDER THE HONEYMOON
BED, YOU KNOW.

♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪

♪ DING-DING-DING-DING,
DING-DING ♪

HEY, UH, DAVID, ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE LETTIN' YOURSELF IN FOR?

ANN, COME ON. THEY'RE YOUR
DAUGHTERS. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA
TEAR THE BUILDING DOWN.

[laughs]

YOU HAVE ALL THE
OPTIMISM OF A NON-PARENT.

WELL. OK.

YOU'RE DETERMINED
TO DO THIS, RIGHT? YES.

OK, THEN I WILL GIVE YOU
THE HOUSE RULES. FIRST...

NO BOYS IN THE BEDROOM.

NO WATER BOMBS OUT THE WINDOW.

LIGHTS ON AT ALL TIMES.
NO BODY CONTACT SPORTS.

EVERYBODY OUT BY 1:00.

IN OTHER WORDS, DAVID, IF
YOU SEE US HAVING ANY FUN,

STOP US.

AND, UH, ONE MORE THING, DAVID.

NO DRINKING, AND
THAT INCLUDES BEER.

(all) NO BEER?

BEER ISN'T DRINKING!

BEER IS DRINKING.

BUT, MOM!

NO BUTS.

NO SMOKING EITHER?

DON'T BE FUNNY,
DAVID. I AM SERIOUS.

I'M ROEBUCK. HOW DO YOU DO?

ANN, ANN, COME ON.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE
BEING A LITTLE OLD-FASHIONED?

NO, DAVID. I AM NOT.

BEER IS ALCOHOL. IT IS
ILLEGAL FOR YOU GIRLS.

NOW IT CAN MESS UP YOUR
HEAD, IT CAN CAUSE FIGHTS,

IT CAN MAKE YOU SICK, IT
CAN GIVE YOU A HANGOVER.

NOTHING'S PERFECT.

[sighing]

MOM, IF WE HAVE A
PARTY WITHOUT BEER,

WE'LL BE LAUGHED OUT OF SCHOOL.

EVERYBODY HAS BEER AT PARTIES.

EVERYBODY HAS BEER AT PARTIES.

EVERYBODY HAS CHARGE
ACCOUNTS. EVERYBODY HAS A CAR.

EVERYBODY GETS TO GO ON TRIPS.

EVERYBODY GETS EVERYTHING THEIR
LITTLE HEARTS DESIRE, EXCEPT YOU.

MOM, AT STEPHANIE WALTER'S PARTY,
HER PARENTS LET HER SERVE BEER.

AND HER FATHER IS A JUDGE.

RICKY HELSOP HAD... HAD
BEER AT HIS FIRST PARTY.

AND YOU MET HIS MOTHER
AT THE P.T.A. MEETING,

AND YOU SAID THAT SHE WAS
THE NICEST PERSON THERE.

THAT'S RIGHT, MOM.
SHE'S JUST LIKE YOU.

SHE'S DIVORCED, TOO.

TOMMY HALLIGAN HAD... HAD
BEER AT HIS FIRST COMMUNION.

OH, WELL.

YOU KEEP THIS UP, AND YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO ANY MORE PARTIES.

(both) MOM.

HEY, HEY, HEY, LOOK.

LISTEN, I DO NOT CARE
WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.

I AM NOT PERMITTING YOU TO BRING
ONE SINGLE CAN OF BEER INTO THIS HOUSE.

OK, OK. WE WON'T BRING
IN ONE SINGLE CAN OF BEER.

AND NOT JUST CANS. THAT INCLUDES
BOTTLES, KEGS, AND GOATSKINS.

I THINK SHE'S GOT US PRETTY
EFFECTIVELY TIED UP IN KNOTS HERE, GUYS.

UH, LOOK, ANN.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE BEING
ENTIRELY LOGICAL ABOUT THIS.

YOU SEE, THESE GIRLS ARE UNDER
TREMENDOUS PEER PRESSURE.

I KNOW THAT, DAVID. YOU KNOW, IT'S
VERY... THIS IS A CRITICAL AGE FOR THEM.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT THEY
HAVE THE SECURITY OF A GROUP...

DAVID. YOU KNOW, THE
FEELING OF BELONGING.

DAVID, WILL YOU LET ME RAISE
MY OWN CHILDREN? DAMN IT!

WELL, I NEVER.

MY MOTHER WOULD NEVER HAVE
SWORN IN FRONT OF ME THAT WAY.

LOOK, ANN, THIS IS YOUR HOUSE,

AND OF COURSE, OF
COURSE I'M GONNA

ABIDE BY ANY RULES
THAT YOU SET DOWN.

GOOD, I'M GLAD THAT'S SETTLED.

NO MATTER HOW ARCHAIC
AND RIDICULOUS I HAPPEN FEEL...

AND IT IS SETTLED. YES.

YES.

SOME PARTY.

PETE'LL HATE ME BEFORE
HE EVEN GETS TO KNOW ME.

WE'LL BE THE ABSOLUTE
PITS OF THE SCHOOL.

GUYS, LOOK, I'M... I'M SORRY.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST
YOU UNDERSTAND.

WHY CAN'T MOM BE A MAN?

YEAH, WE NEED A
FATHER AROUND HERE.

WELL, UH, DAVID IS OUR FATHER
FOR THE PARTY, AREN'T YOU, DAVID?

UH, DO I DETECT A SLIGHT
HINT OF THE OLD PLOY?

IF MOMMY SAYS NO, WE'LL
GET DADDY TO SAY YES, HUH?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT
FATHERS ARE FOR.

RIGHT. UH, THERE IS
MORE TO BEING A FATHER

THAN JUST FOOLING
AROUND WITH MOTHER.

DAVID, PLEASE, ONE BEER EACH?

EVERY PARENT IN AMERICA LETS
THEIR KIDS HAVE AT LEAST ONE BEER.

I-IF I COULD JUST WALK UP TO PETE
AND SAY, "HI, PETE, HAVE A BEER."

AND THEN NATURE
WOULD TAKE IT'S COURSE.

UH...

YEAH, YOU KNOW. WELL, I
COULD SEE HAVING ONE BEER...

OH, THANK YOU...

UNFORTUNATELY, YOUR
MOTHER CAN'T, AND, UH,

SHE'S IN CHARGE,
AND SHE SAID NO BEER.

SO THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

OK?

OK, OK. WE PROMISE WE
WON'T BRING IN ANY BEER.

OH, MY GOD. THE GROCERIES,
I LEFT THEM IN THE CAR.

DAVID, WOULD YOU HELP
ME, PLEASE? OH, SURE.

(Ann) COME ON, GET THE CAR KEYS.

WE, UH, COULD ALWAYS
TRANSFER TO ANOTHER SCHOOL.

BRIGHAM YOUNG HIGH.

[phone ringing]

HELLO. OH, HI, PETE. UH,
YEAH, THE PARTY'S ON.

OH, IT'S GOING TO BE A BLAST.

OH, YEAH, TELL ALL THE GUYS.

I'LL SEE YOU SATURDAY
NIGHT. BYE-BYE.

SOME BLAST.

THE GUYS WON'T STAY 10 MINUTES
WHEN THEY FIND OUT THERE'S NO BEER.

OOH, WHO SAID THERE
ISN'T GOING TO BE ANY BEER?

BARBARA, YOU PROMISED MOM WE
WOULDN'T BRING IN ONE SINGLE CAN OF BEER.

AND WE WON'T.

BUT THAT DOESN'T
MEAN THE GUYS WON'T.

BARBARA, YOU ARE A GENIUS.

MMM-HMM. ROTTEN, BUT A GENIUS.

[chuckling]

♪ [music playing]

[inaudible]

GEE, JULIE. WHEN I DANCE
WITH YOU, I FEEL 10 FEET TALL.

I, UH, I LOVE DANCING
WITH YOU, HERBIE.

THANKS. REALLY.

BARBARA, THE WHOLE TEAM,
AND I GET THE MANAGER?

WHERE DID YOU FIND
HIM, UNDER A MUSHROOM?

YOU'RE THE HOSTESS,
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CUT IN.

HUH, NOT ME, I LIKE TALL GUYS.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
A BELT BUCKLE FETISH?

OK, HERE WE GO, GUYS.

I GOT ROOT BEER,
GRAPE, COLA, CREME SODA,

ALL THE BIGGIES. WHAT'LL IT BE?

CAN I HAVE A GRAPE?
SURE, THERE YOU GO.

ROOT BEER, THAT'S MY
FAVORITE. THANKS, MR. KANE.

OK, YOU'RE WELCOME. EXCUSE ME.

GOODBYE, ROOT BEER.

HELLO, BEER.

HEY, BAR. HOW DO YOU
LIKE MY ORANGE JUICE?

IT'S FANTASTIC. CAN I
HAVE SOME MORE? YEAH.

[gasps]

HERE'S TO ANITA BRYANT.

[doorbell rings]

HI.

HI, I-I'M LOOKING FOR
THE BASKETBALL TEAM.

OH, YEAH. WELL, SURE,
THEY'RE, UH, RIGHT IN HERE, UH.

EXCUSE ME.

I SEE YOU AND HENRY
GOT BACK TOGETHER.

OH, EXCUSE ME. UH, HERBIE.

THANK YOU, MR. KANE. CHRIS.

OH, NO, THANKS. THE
SUGAR'S BAD FOR YOU.

OH.

OK, UH, HOW'S IT GOIN'?

GREAT. NO COMPLAINTS. GOOD.

[doorbell rings]

HI, PETE. HI, BARB.

YOU WANT A BEER?

OH, I BROUGHT MY OWN, OK?

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.

(Barbara) HEY, YOU WANNA
HANG UP YOUR COAT?

(David) HERBIE, YOU WANNA
PASS THIS AROUND FOR ME?

AH, BARBARA. WHY DID
YOU PUT HIM IN THE CLOSET?

THE CLOSET. I WAS, UH,
SHOWING PETE THE HOUSE.

YES.

WELL, WHY NOT START WITH THE
BIGGIES LIKE THE LIVING ROOM,

THE KITCHEN, YOU KNOW?

QUICK.

OK.

OK.

IF, UM...

ANYBODY, UH, IF
ANYBODY NEEDS ANYTHING,

I'LL BE IN THE BEDROOM, OK?

WITH WHO?

I, UH, THINK PETE'S DRUNK.

EH, WHAT MAKES
YOU SAY HE'S DRUNK?

WELL, HE'S DRIBBLING. HE
DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A BALL.

BARBIE, UH, YOU SOUND KIND OF
FUNNY. HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING BEER?

NO, I HATE BEER. I JUST
HAD A LITTLE ORANGE JUICE.

OH, ORANGE JUICE, OK.

UH, PETE. YOU WANNA DANCE?

I'M DOING THE CANCAN
WITH REAL CANS.

HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK A LOT
OLDER THAN YOU DO IN SCHOOL.

OH. HEY, YOU WANT A LITTLE BEER?

OR, UH, DON'T YOU DRINK?

OH, NO, I... I LOVE BEER.

UH, GOOD.

(boy) HEY, PETE. COME HERE.

YEAH.

HEY, BARB. HOW ABOUT
SOME MORE ORANGE JUICE?

OH, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YOU KNOW, THIS IS...

THIS IS THE MO... THIS IS THE
MOST W-WONDERFUL ORANGE...

YEAH?

IT'S GOOD.

W-W-WHY DO YOU THINK BING
CROSBY ALWAYS LOOKS SO HAPPY?

[boy whoops]

HEY, COULD YOU TURN
THAT DOWN JUST A LITTLE?

WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
TURN THE STEREO DOWN A LITTLE?

OK, POP. HOLD THIS.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. WHERE
DID THIS BEER COME FROM?

MILWAUKEE.

BEER. MAN.

BEER.

ONE BEER COMIN' UP.

BUSTED. JULIE.

JULIE, I THOUGHT YOU
PROMISED YOUR MOTHER AND ME

THAT YOU WERE NOT GOING TO
BRING ANY BEER INTO THE HOUSE.

I DIDN'T BRING IT
IN. THE GUYS DID.

OH, COME ON. GET OFF THAT
SEMANTIC GARBAGE, JULIE.

NOW YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISES.

I WANT ALL THE BEER
OUT OF HERE NOW.

OK, DAVID. OK, LET
ME DO IT. LET ME DO IT.

DON'T EMBARRASS ME IN
FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

OK, YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES TO
GET EVERY OUNCE OF BEER OUT.

OK, OK, OK. 2 MINUTES.

BARBARA, BARBARA, BARB, WE
GOT TO GET RID OF ALL THE BEER.

OH, JULIE. DON'T BE
SUCH A PARTY POOPER.

DAVID FOUND THE BEER.

FINDERS KEEPERS, LOSERS WEEPERS.

BARBARA, YOU ARE SMASHED.

OH, SO AM I. LET'S TELL PETE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT IS THIS?

VODKA. IT'S...
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.

COME ON. I'M GOING
TO PUT YOU TO BED.

OH, JULIE, JULIE, JULIE. STOP...
STOP SWIMMING AROUND.

SIT. DAVID! DAVID,
COME IN HERE, PLEASE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I THINK BARBARA'S SICK.

WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, I THINK I GOT A BAD ORANGE.

SHE'S NOT SICK,

THIS CHILD IS PLASTERED
OUT OF HER GOURD.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

[screaming]

LET ME TAKE CARE OF IT, PLEASE.

WELL, IT IS TOO LATE. I'M SORRY.

HEY, GUYS. CUT
THAT OUT. STOP IT.

HEY, STOP IT, YOU GUYS.

HEY, STOP IT.

DAVID! DAVID, YOU'RE
EMBARRASSING ME.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

STOP IT.

ALL RIGHT. HOLD IT. HOLD IT.

FINE, EVERYBODY, OUT! NOW, MOVE.

[all chattering]

ALL THE OTHER PARENTS LET
US HAVE BEER AT THEIR PARTIES.

YEAH.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU
DO AT OTHER PARTIES.

I DON'T EVEN CARE
ABOUT THE BEER.

YOU CAN SWIM IN
BEER FOR ALL I CARE.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE A GUEST
IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S HOUSE,

YOU GO BY THE
RULES THEY SET DOWN.

NOW YOU ALL KNEW THERE WAS
TO BE NO BEER AT THIS PARTY.

[all chattering]

HEY, DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF THAT
GARBAGE ABOUT NOT KNOWING, HUH?

I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN
TRYING TO HIDE IT ALL NIGHT.

YOU OBVIOUSLY KNEW.

RIGHT. WELL, YOU GOT CAUGHT.

AND YOU'RE OUT OF THE
GAME. THE PARTY'S OVER.

GO HOME.

WE'RE GOING. BYE, GOOD NIGHT.

BYE, ALL. GOOD NIGHT.
SEE YOU IN SCHOOL

[all murmuring]

PARTY POOPER.

AND AS FOR YOU,
SWEETNESS AND LIGHT,

YOU GO INTO THE
BEDROOM AND GO TO BED.

I HATE YOU, DAVID.

YES, I KNOW YOU DO, BARBARA.

SHE LOOK ALL
RIGHT TO YOU, JULIE?

I'M FINE. YOU LOOK SICK TO ME.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE
GREEN AROUND THE GILLS.

YEAH. YOU FEEL A LITTLE PEAKY?

I'M FINE... ARE YOU
SURE YOU'RE NOT SICK?

I'M TELLING YOU, I'M FINE.

HEY, DAVID.

HOW WAS THE PARTY?

(David) HOW WAS THE PARTY?

HOW DO YOU THINK THE PARTY WAS?

THOSE KIDS HAVE NO SCRUPLES.

THEY LIED TO ME.

THEY... THEY... THEY... THEY
COMPLETELY VIOLATED MY TRUST.

THEY... THEY... THEY COMPLETELY
OUTFOXED ME IS WHAT THEY DID.

THEY BROUGHT BEER INTO
THIS HOUSE, SMUGGLED IT IN.

I MEAN, THEY... THEY TRAPPED ME ON
A SEMANTIC TECHNICALITY, YOU KNOW.

I SWEAR, ANN, I DON'T
KNOW HOW YOU CAN PUT UP

WITH... WITH... WITH THIS... I MEAN,
THEY MADE A MESS OF THE HOUSE.

THEY... THEY SPRAYED BEER
ALL OVER THE... ALL OVER ME.

ANN, YOU KNOW, I... I THINK
PARENTHOOD IS FOR MORONS.

THAT'S MY OPINION.

YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL
YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

I HAVE NO STOMACH FOR
THIS KIND OF RESPONSIBILITY.

ANY... ANY... ANY... ANY, UH, UH,
DISCUSSIONS WE MIGHT HAVE HAD

HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME
HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH CHILDREN,

YOURS OR ANYBODY ELSE'S, FROM NOW
ON, ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF THE QUESTION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I
HAVE NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER

IN A RELATIONSHIP
THAT INVOLVES ME

AND THIS KIND OF
IDIOTIC RESPONSIBILITY.

YOU KNOW, SO JUST CANCEL,

JUST CANCEL
EVERYTHING THAT I'VE SAID.

FROM NOW ON, FOREVER, FORGET IT.

AH, I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.

I'M JUST GOING TO GET A BROOM.

[laughing]

OH, DAVID.

OH, THIS PLACE.

AH, JULIE, BARBARA, I'M HOME.

[Barbara retching]

(female announcer) THIS PROGRAM
WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.