One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 1, Episode 12 - The College Man - full transcript

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪

♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪

♪ YOU CAN

♪ SO WHILE YOURE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪

♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪

♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪



♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE THERES
MUSIC PLAYING ♪

♪ DON ♪ WELL JUST
TAKE IT LIKE IT COMES ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

LOOK AT THIS.

[groans]



LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR.

UH-HUH.

BARBARA, WOULD YOU PLEASE
HELP ME MAKE UP MY MIND.

HOW CAN I? YOU'VE GOT
SO LITTLE TO WORK WITH.

HEY, JULIE.

JULIE, HOW COME
YOU'RE NOT DRESSED?

HE'S GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

I'VE BEEN DRESSED
90 MILLION TIMES.

WHAT DO YOU WEAR WHEN YOU'RE
GOING OUT WITH A COLLEGE MAN?

AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

THANKS FOR THE HELP.

LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF, LOOK.

HEY, UH, JULIE, I KNOW, WHAT
ABOUT YOUR PANTS SUIT?

ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU WANT
HIM TO THINK I WEAR OUTFITS?

HEAVEN FORBID.

CASHMERE SWEATER.

IT'S TOO DRESSY.

I WANT TO WEAR SOMETHING
THAT DOES SOMETHING FOR ME.

WHAT ABOUT A HEFTY BAG?

WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED
ABOUT, IT'S A BLIND DATE.

I'D BE MORE WORRIED
ABOUT WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.

SOMETHING SMELLS.

(Barbara) WHAT IS THAT?

(Julie) I SMELL IT, TOO.

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT SOMETHING

SMELLS.

♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA ♪

♪ [humming]

♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA ♪

♪ [humming]

SCHNEIDER!

[muttering]

(Ann) I CAN'T HEAR WHAT
IT IS YOU'RE SAYING.

[continues muttering]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS.

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.

OH, I SAID, "MS. ROMANO, UH,
STAND BACK OUT OF THE WAY."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, WELL, THIS HERE IS YOUR SEMI-ANNUAL
PEST CONTROL CLEARANCE HERE.

TAKES CARE OF YOUR SILVERFISH,
YOUR SPIDERS, YOUR ANTS,

♪ YOUR CUCARACHAS,
YOUR CUCARACHAS ♪

SCHN-SCHNEIDER, STOP IT.

YOU'RE SMELLING UP
THE WHOLE APARTMENT.

I'VE GOT A DATE COMIN' OVER.

A BIG FRATERNITY MAN.

WHA...

YOU ARE LETTING THIS CHILD
GO OUT WITH A PANTY RAIDER?

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GOES ON
WITH THOSE WHIFFENPOOF PEOPLE?

SCHNEIDER, PLEASE, JUST
TAKE THAT APPARATUS AWAY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'M GOIN'.

BUT IF YOU TAKE MY ADVICE,

IF THIS GUY GETS OUT OF HAND
AND YOU WANT TO COOL HIM,

JUST PUT A DROP OF
THIS BEHIND EACH EAR.

THAT'LL TAKE THE WHIFF
RIGHT OUT OF HIS POOF.

I'M DEAD. ABSOLUTELY DEAD.

THE APARTMENT SMELLS
LIKE THE BACK END OF A BUS,

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR

AND OBVIOUSLY,
YOU DON'T, EITHER.

JULIE!

LOOK AT YOU.

COULDN'T YOU PUT ON A
HOSTESS GOWN OR SOMETHIN'?

WHAT ARE YOU SO UPTIGHT
FOR? HE'S JUST A COLLEGE GUY.

I THINK I'LL GO UP
AND TALK TO KAREN.

HER SISTER'S A FREAK-O, TOO.

THIS IS GONNA BE A DISASTER.

JULIE, PLEASE, WOULD
YOU TAKE IT EASY?

COME ON, GO GET DRESSED.
HE'S GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

I KNOW HE WILL.

MOM, WHEN YOU LET
HIM IN, REMEMBER,

HE'S NOT A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.

SO PLEASE DON'T
TALK DOWN TO HIM, OK?

OK, SWEETHEART, I'LL...
I'LL DO THE BEST I CAN.

OH, OFFER HIM A BEER.
NO MILK AND COOKIES.

I MEAN, THIS IS A
DATE, NOT A RECESS.

TRUST ME.

[doorbell rings]

OH, HERE HE IS, HERE HE IS. OK.

MOM, THIS REALLY
MEANS A LOT TO ME.

MAKE HIM FEEL WARM
AND WELCOME HERE.

AND PLEASE DON'T
TALK DOWN TO HIM, OK?

I PROMISE.

GOD, I LOOK LIKE A TEENAGER.

JULIE?

[laughing] NO, I'M HER MOTHER.

OH, UH, I'M KEN ANDERSON.

HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.

YES, NICE MEETING
YOU, TOO. COME ON IN.

UH, JULIE'S A LITTLE LATE.

SHE... SHE WAS LATE
GETTING STARTED.

OH, THAT'S OK.

DO YOU WANT A COKE OR SOMETHING?

SURE, COKE IS FINE.

GOOD.

UNLESS YOU HAVE A LITTLE SCOTCH.

[tittering]

CAN I SEE YOUR I.D.?

COKE IS FINE.

HEY, UH, ARE YOU GOIN'
ANY PLACE SPECIAL?

NO, NO SPECIAL PLANS.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D
KIND OF PLAY IT BY EAR.

UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT YOUR,
UH, BLIND DATE LOOKS LIKE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO KNOW THAT.

HMM, SEE, IT... IT
WORKS BOTH WAYS.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL
JULIE WHAT TIME TO GET HOME

UNTIL SHE GETS A LOOK AT YOU.

WELL, HOW DO I RATE?

TSK, OH, WELL, UH,

ON A SCALE OF 8:00
TILL MIDNIGHT, I'D SAY

[clicking tongue]

11:45.

[chuckling]

WELL, I THINK I'LL RATE
JULIE AT, UH, MIDNIGHT

IF SHE'S ANYTHING
LIKE HER MOTHER.

OH, OH, THANK YOU, SIR.

OK, I GUESS, IN THAT CASE YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE JULIE UNTIL MIDNIGHT.

YOU KNOW, FOR A DATE'S
MOTHER, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

JULIE TELLS ME THAT
YOU'RE IN COLLEGE.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

I DID. UNTIL MY FATHER FOUND
OUT WHAT I WAS MAJORING IN.

WHAT'S THAT?

UNDECIDED.

HMM.

MY FATHER KEEPS SAYING:

"FIND SOMETHING.

"WHY AM I PAYING ALL THIS MONEY

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO BECOME SOMETHING."

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS,

I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT I WANT TO BECOME.

OH, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE YOU'RE AT.

BUT BELIEVE ME. IF I'VE LEARNED
ANYTHING, IS THAT THERE'S NO RUSH.

TAKE YOUR TIME AND GET IT RIGHT.

YOU AND I SURE THINK ALIKE.

I WISH YOU'D SPEAK TO
MY DAD, MRS. COOPER.

UH-UH, IT'S ROMANO. I TOOK BACK MY
MAIDEN NAME WHEN I GOT DIVORCED.

YOU'RE DIVORCED?

YES, I AM.

GREAT.

I'LL, UH, GO SEE
IF JULIE'S READY.

OH, PLEASE DON'T RUSH
HER ON MY ACCOUNT.

I'M KIND OF ENJOYIN' THIS.

I USUALLY HAVE DIFFICULTY WHEN
I MEET PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME.

YOU KNOW, I... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

BUT IT'S SO EASY TO TALK TO YOU.

KEN, YOU'RE A VERY
PERSONABLE YOUNG MAN.

DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

OF COURSE I DO.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS KIND OF WILD.

I'VE JUST MET YOU,

AND WE'VE GOT THIS
GREAT RAPPORT GOING.

HI.

HI, SWEETHEART.

UH, JULIE, KEN.

KEN, THIS IS JULIE.

HI, KEN.

HI.

UH, MARSHA'S TOLD
ME A LOT ABOUT YOU.

GREAT.

UM, WHAT ARE YOU MAJORING IN?

HUH, WRONG QUESTION.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT'S JUST A LITTLE
PRIVATE JOKE BETWEEN US.

OH.

OH.

WELL, UH, HAVE FUN, YOU TWO.

WHERE ARE WE GONNA GO?

UM, WELL, DO YOU LIKE CONCERTS?

ROCK CONCERTS?

NO, NO, NO, I'M KIND OF
INTO CLASSICAL MUSIC.

UH, COULD YOU TAKE
A LITTLE MOZART?

NOT IF I COULD GET
SOME DAVID BOWIE.

UH, JULIE, YOU'LL
LOVE IT, REALLY.

I MEAN, MOZART WROTE
EVERYTHING WHEN HE WAS UNDER 30.

ARE YOU INTO CLASSICAL MUSIC?

OH. YEAH, A LITTLE.

FANTASTIC.

IT'S A FREEBIE AT
THE AUDITORIUM.

YOU CAN COME
WITH US IF YOU WANT.

NO, YOU TWO GO ON AHEAD.

[knocking on door]

EXCUSE ME.

BEHOLD THE ULTIMATE PIZZA.

HI, DAVID.

WE HAVE PEPPERS, ONIONS,

GARLIC, CHEESE,
SAUSAGE, PEPPERONI,

BACON, ANCHOVIES,
AND ALKA SELTZER.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

THE AIR FORCE SHOT IT
DOWN OVER MONTANA.

OH, DAVID, I WANT YOU
TO MEET JULIE'S DATE.

KEN ANDERSON. DAVID KANE.

(David) HI, HOW YOU
DOIN'? PLEASURE.

HE GOES TO PURDUE.

OH, YEAH? UH, WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?

DON'T ASK. IT'S A SECRET.

WOULD YOU RATHER GO TO A MOVIE?

NO, NO. ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE.

ARE YOU ALL SET FOR
AN EXCITING EVENING

OF VINO, PIZZA,
T.V., AND ME, HUH?

DO YOU THINK I CAN HANDLE
THAT EXCITEMENT? HMM.

THAT SURE SMELLS GOOD.

YEAH, WELL, WE,
UH, WE HAVE PLENTY.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D LIKE
TO SHARE, I'M SURE, UH,

I'M SURE YOU KIDS
WOULD JUST LOVE

TO SPEND AN EVENING
RAPPING WITH THE OLD FOLKS.

[tittering]

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

IT IS?

YEAH. WELL, UM,
AT THE FRAT HOUSE

I DON'T GET VERY MANY
HOME-COOKED MEALS.

UH, WHAT ABOUT THE CONCERT?

OH, YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO GO TO THAT, ANYWAY.

THIS WILL BE KIND OF DIFFERENT,

AN EVENING AT
HOME WITH YOUR MOM.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY
NOT HITTING IT OFF.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO
ASK HIM TO STAY FOR?

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I
DIDN'T THINK HE'D ACCEPT.

WELL, THEY'RE VERY AWKWARD WITH
EACH OTHER. WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

HEY, UH, JULIE, WHY DON'T
YOU PUT ON SOME MUSIC?

HEY, GOOD IDEA.

OK. MUSIC.

AH, IN CASE ANYONE
WANTS TO DANCE.

♪ [music playing]

I'D LOVE TO. CAN
YOU DO THE HUSTLE?

[tittering]

WELL, I'VE SEEN JULIE
AND BARBARA DO IT.

COME ON, LET'S TRY IT.

OK.

YOU WANT TO DANCE?

NO THANKS, DAVID.

YOU'RE GOOD. SO ARE YOU.

THANK YOU.

WHOO!

UH, A LITTLE, UH, PIZZA?

♪ DO THE HUSTLE ♪

WINE?

HEMLOCK?

ANN, THIS WAS ONE OF THE
GREATEST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.

THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU. I DON'T REMEMBER

WHEN I'VE DANCED LIKE THAT.

HEY, IT WAS AWFUL NICE OF
YOU TO DANCE WITH MY MOM.

I MEAN, MOST COLLEGE MEN
DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION

TO, UH, OLDER PEOPLE.

WELL, MAYBE KEN'S
IN SOCIAL WORK.

YEAH, I HATE TO GET GOIN',

BUT I HAVE THIS HISTORY TERM
PAPER TO HAND IN TOMORROW.

WELL, IF IT'S ABOUT BENEDICT
ARNOLD, I'M SURE MOM COULD HELP.

YOU KNOW, I USUALLY HATE BLIND
DATES, BUT THIS WAS REALLY A BLAST.

WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF
I CALLED YOU AGAIN, JUDY?

OH, SURE, CALL ANYTIME.

BUT IF JUDY DOESN'T
ANSWER, YOU CAN ASK FOR ME.

I'M JULIE.

RIGHT. SORRY.

I'M JUST NOT VERY
GOOD WITH NAMES.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, ANN. IT
WAS NICE MEETING YOU, MR. KANE.

YEAH.

UH, NOW THAT YOU, UH,
KNOW WHERE WE LIVE,

DON'T BE A STRANGER.

CIAO.

[whistling]

WELL,

HE CERTAINLY SEEMS
TO BE A NICE YOUNG MAN.

JULIE, YOU'RE GETTIN' TO
HAVE GOOD TASTE IN MEN.

TASTE? I DIDN'T
EVEN GET TO TOUCH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOU'RE WORSE THAN MRS.
ROBINSON IN THE GRADUATE.

♪ AND HERE'S TO
YOU, MRS. ROBINSON ♪

♪ HEAVEN HOLDS A PLACE
FOR THOSE WHO PRAY ♪

[whistling]

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ GOD BLESS YOU PLEASE ♪

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE HERE.

I MEAN, I WAS TRYING TO MAKE
HIM FEEL WARM AND WELCOME.

WARM AND WELCOME.
NOT HOT AND BOTHERED.

JULIE, WHAT IS THE
MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU PRACTICALLY THREW
YOURSELF IN HIS ARMS!

JULIE, I DID NO SUCH THING.

BESIDES, WHEN I THROW
MYSELF IN SOMEONE'S ARMS,

I DON'T MISS.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOURSELF
WIGGLIN' AROUND THERE IN YOUR TIGHT JEANS.

YOU MADE THE HUSTLE
LOOK LIKE A MATING DANCE.

JULIE, YOU ARE EXAGGERATING
EVERYTHING OUT OF ALL PROPORTION!

AM I, DAVID? GO AHEAD,
TELL HER, DAVID. GO AHEAD.

YEAH, DAVID, GO AHEAD, TELL ME.

WELL, I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE
OVERDONE IT JUST A TRIFLE,

TINA TURNER.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

I MEAN, YOU ARE JEALOUS OF A KID
WHO ISN'T DRY BEHIND THE EARS YET.

YEAH, WELL, HE'S DRY
BEHIND THE EARS NOW.

YOU WERE BLOWIN'
IN 'EM ALL NIGHT.

JULIE, ENOUGH!

OH, COME ON, DAVID, YOU DON'T THINK I
WAS REALLY GIVING HIM IDEAS, DO YOU?

PROBABLY. UNLESS HE'S
TRAINING FOR THE PRIESTHOOD.

HE IS A KID, A BABY.
HE'S 19 YEARS OLD.

I'M AN OLD LADY TO HIM.

OH, THEN THAT MUST
BE THE ATTRACTION.

MOM, YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU ARE TOO BRIGHT,
TOO INTELLIGENT,

TOO SEXY, AND TOO PRETTY.

OH, WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO
LEARN TO LIVE WITH THAT, WON'T WE?

AND TOO SHOW-OFFY.

LOOK, JULIE. I WAS JUST TRYING
TO MAKE HIM FEEL COMFORTABLE.

YEAH, SHE WAS TRYING TO HELP
HIM GET OVER HIS, UH, SHYNESS.

SHY? IF KEN IS SHY,
I AM RAQUEL WELSH!

AND OBVIOUSLY I AM
NOT RAQUEL WELSH.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED
ROBBING THE CRADLE.

JULIE, I'M GONNA
FORGIVE YOU THAT

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU
INHERITED A BIG MOUTH FROM ME!

NOW, LOOK,

IF I GAVE KEN THE
WRONG IMPRESSION,

I'M SORRY.

HI, EVERYONE.

HI.

WHERE IS THE COLLEGE MAN?

HE GRADUATED TO MOM.

JULIE HAS SOME ABSURD IDEA

THAT I WAS COMING ON
TO HER COLLEGE MAN.

YEAH, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
'EM DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK.

NOBODY DANCES
CHEEK TO CHEEK TODAY.

MOM WAS. WITH THE BUMP.

WELL, I GUESS, I'M A LITTLE TOO
YOUNG FOR THIS CONVERSATION.

UH, BARBARA, UH, COME HERE.

CAN YOU THINK OF ANYTHING
MORE ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS

THAN MY BEING INTERESTED
IN A BOY KEN'S AGE?

OH, I'M NO JUDGE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS ABSURD YOU
BEING INTERESTED IN A BOY DAVID'S AGE.

YOU'RE FIGHTING,
AND WHO GETS KILLED?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T WE ALL GO
UP TO MY APARTMENT

AND DROWN OUR SORROWS IN
SOME NICE ICE CREAM SUNDAES?

ICE CREAM, DAVID, NOW?

IT'S NOT FOR ME, ANN.

THAT ANCHOVY I JUST
ATE HAS A TAPE WORM.

I'LL GO, DAVID!

MAYBE I'LL MEET AN OLDER
MAN IN THE ELEVATOR.

(David) I'LL BE THERE.

I'M TOO POOPED.

PUT A DOGGIE BAG IN THE
FREEZER. I'LL HAVE IT FOR BREAKFAST.

GOOD NIGHT, ALL. GOOD
NIGHT, SWEETHEART.

DAVID, I'M GONNA PASS,
TOO. YOU DON'T MIND?

NO, NO, NO. UH, MAYBE WE'LL
BRING YOU SOMETHIN', OK?

OK.

ARE THEY GONE? GOOD.

WHAT DID HAPPEN DOWN HERE?

BARBARA, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE TIRED.

WELL, I JUST SAID THAT SO I COULD
STAY HERE AND FIND OUT WHAT I MISSED.

BARBARA, I REALLY DON'T FEEL
LIKE, UH, GETTING INTO THIS TONIGHT.

OH. IN THAT CASE I'LL
GET INTO MY PAJAMAS.

[doorbell ringing]

[imitating doorbell ringing]

HELLO, ANN.

KEN.

COME ON IN.

I FORGOT MY JACKET.

AHA!

WELL,

HERE IT IS.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

THEY WENT FOR ICE CREAM.

KEN, LOOK, UH, I'M
GLAD YOU CAME BACK.

OH, YOU KNEW I WOULD. YOU
KNEW I LEFT MY JACKET HERE

JUST SO I'D HAVE AN
EXCUSE TO COME BACK.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS

HOW YOU GOT THEM TO
GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM.

THEY, UH, JUST WENT.

KEN, LOOK, UH,

I'VE OBVIOUSLY MADE A
BIG MISTAKE HERE TONIGHT,

AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE

THINKING I'M INTERESTED
IN YOU ROMANTICALLY.

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE
REACTING THIS WAY.

YOU'RE AFRAID TO HAVE
A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALMOST
OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY MOTHER.

UH, KEN... NO, NO.
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.

A 50-YEAR-OLD CODGER
DIGS A YOUNG CHICK,

EVERYBODY CHEERS.

BUT WHEN IT'S REVERSED
AND A YOUNG GUY DIGS A...

WATCH IT!

WELL, IT'S BIOLOGICALLY SOUND.

YOUR SEX DRIVE
PEAKS WHEN YOU'RE 40.

COME BACK IN 6 YEARS.

I CAN'T WAIT. MINE
PEAKED THIS YEAR.

KEN, I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN YOU ROMANTICALLY.

YOU ARE A VERY NICE BOY.

GO!

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

ONLY AN HOUR AGO,
I FELT YOUR VIBES.

NO, YOU DIDN'T. I WASN'T
VIBRATING, I WAS DANCING.

YOU KNOW YOUR AGE
DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

GOOD! WELL, THEN I'LL
JUST CANCEL MY FACE LIFT.

KEN, LOOK, WE ARE WORLDS APART.

FOR ONE THING, I'M
A DIVORCED WOMAN.

THAT'S OK. I WANT SOMEONE
WHO'S BEEN AROUND.

I'M NOT AS MATURE AS I LOOK.

OH, I WISH I WERE UPSTAIRS
HAVING A CHOCOLATE SUNDAE.

AND I TOOK PSYCH 1.

NOW, BY TELLING ME
YOU'RE A DIVORCED WOMAN,

YOU'RE SUBCONSCIOUSLY
LETTING ME KNOW

YOU HAVE A STRONG
URGE TO BE LOVED.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH, YOUR MIND IS CONFUSED
BUT YOUR EMOTIONS ARE READY.

WOULD YOU LEAVE MY
EMOTIONS OUT OF THIS, PLEASE.

WHY FIGHT IT? IT'S A
PURELY NATURAL URGE.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
NATURAL OR UNNATURAL.

WE'RE NOT TALKING
ABOUT YOGURT HERE.

YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL
WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.

WELL, IN A MINUTE, I'M
GOING TO BE GORGEOUS!

YOU'RE GORGEOUS NOW.

[grunting]

[yells]

KEN!

WELL, YOU STRUCK OUT AGAIN, KEN.

[Ann sighing]

KEN, YOU DIDN'T STRIKE OUT.

YOU WERE NEVER UP TO BAT.

SIT DOWN, KEN.

MAYBE I'D BETTER GET GOING.

NO. UH, COME ON, SIT.

WHY ME, KEN?

WELL, YOU'RE PRETTY, YOU'RE
ATTRACTIVE, YOU'RE INTERESTING...

THAT'S A CROCK. I MEAN,
IT'S VERY FLATTERING,

BUT NEVERTHELESS, IT'S A CROCK.

WHAT ABOUT GIRLS YOUR OWN AGE?

AND YOU'RE ALSO VERY BRIGHT.

HUH.

UM, I'M JUST NOT COMFORTABLE
WITH GIRLS MY OWN AGE.

I ALWAYS WANTED THE FIRST
TIME TO BE WITH AN OLDER WOMAN.

KEN,

IF YOU WANT YOUR FIRST EXPERIENCE
TO BE WITH AN OLDER WOMAN,

LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE HINT,

NEVER CALL HER AN OLDER WOMAN.

UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIRST TIME?

WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY.

I WENT OUT WITH THIS GIRL
IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO WAS...

WELL, SHE WAS... AN
EXPERT IN BIOLOGY.

YEAH. YEAH.

AND AFTERWARDS,

WELL, SHE LAUGHED AT ME.

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T
BE TAKING THAT CHANCE WITH ME.

YEAH, WELL, ALL THE GUYS SAID
THAT OLDER WOMEN ARE GRATEFUL.

KEN, OLDER WOMEN
AREN'T GRATEFUL.

THEY'RE CRITICAL.

BESIDES, IT'S NOT BETTER
WITH AN OLDER WOMAN.

IT'S NOT?

NO. AND IT'S NOT BETTER
WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN.

YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S BETTER?

WHEN BOTH OF YOU DIG EACH OTHER.

DID YOU, UH, DIG THE BIOLOGY
EXPERT OF THE CLASS OF '75?

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HER.

SOME GUY FIXED ME UP AND
I MET HER IN A PARKING LOT.

KEN, FIND SOMEBODY
YOU CARE ABOUT,

AND WHO CARES ABOUT
YOU, AND BELIEVE ME,

EVEN THE MISTAKES
WILL BE FANTASTIC.

OK?

NOW, GO HOME.

I, UM, I GUESS YOU NEVER WANT TO
SEE ME AROUND THIS HOUSE AGAIN.

OH, KEN, CONSIDER YOURSELF

A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY. OK?

OK. THAT'S... THAT'S TRULY
NICE OF YOU, MS. ROMANO.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, THAT 2ND SUNDAE
WAS RIDICULOUS.

I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.

WELL, LET'S FACE IT. THIS ENTIRE
EVENING HAS BEEN PRETTY RIDICULOUS.

YOU'RE RIGHT. ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I GUESS I WAS UPTIGHT

BECAUSE, UH, THE COLLEGE
DRIP DIDN'T DROP DEAD FOR ME.

GEE, I KIND OF WISH HE HAD.

YEAH, WELL, I GOT MAD BECAUSE
YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T DANCE WITH ME.

WHICH IS PRETTY SILLY, CONSIDERING
I HATE TO DANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WELL, I HOPE SHE ISN'T
STILL UPSET WITH US.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO
ACCUSED HER OF ROBBING THE CRADLE.

THAT'S...

DOESN'T HAVE TO
ROB IT. SHE OWNS IT.

HI.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT
ONE HECK OF A MOTHER.

LISTEN, JULIE,

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT TONIGHT.

CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT FOR
AN ICE-CREAM SUNDAE?

OH, WELL... I'M DYING TO.

OH, YEAH.

LET'S GO. BYE, DAVID.

YEAH.

NEXT.

(female announcer) THIS PROGRAM
WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.