One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 1, Episode 11 - Julie's Job - full transcript

Julie gets a job as a waitress in a bad section of town so she can earn money for a car after Ann turned her down and told her to go out and earn the money herself.

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS LIFE,
THE ONE YOU GET ♪

♪ SO GO AND HAVE A BALL ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ THIS IS IT ♪

♪ STRAIGHT AHEAD
AND REST ASSURED ♪

♪ YOU CAN

♪ SO WHILE YOURE
HERE, ENJOY THE VIEW ♪

♪ KEEP ON DOIN' WHAT YOU DO ♪

♪ HOLD ON TIGHT, WE'LL
MUDDLE THROUGH ♪



♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ SO UP ON YOUR
FEET, UP ON YOUR FEET ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE THERES
MUSIC PLAYING ♪

♪ DON ♪ WELL JUST
TAKE IT LIKE IT COMES ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪

♪ [music playing on radio]

I'M TUNIN' UP FOR
SATURDAY NIGHT.



THE LODGE IS HAVIN' A LUAU.

AND THAT'S THE HULA?

THE HULA?

THAT'S THE SAMBA.

I'M GOIN' AS A
TOURIST FROM BRAZIL.

THAT'S GREAT, SCHNEIDER.

OH, SCHNEIDER, I GOT SOME
OTHER GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.

I GOT THE JOB.

YOU DID? THAT IS GREAT!

MY FIRST REAL JOB.

UH, ARE YOU READY
TO ORDER NOW, SIR?

WOULD YOU CARE FOR
SOME MORE COFFEE?

NOT BAD. NOT BAD.

I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

I JUST WENT IN AND SAID,
"DWAYNE SCHNEIDER SENT ME."

AND THEY HIRED ME.

YEAH, WELL, I GO ALL... I...
I GO THERE ALL THE TIME.

YOU SEE, I, UH, I TAKE
ALL MY DATES THERE

FOR A LATE NIGHT CHILI DIP.

OH, SCHNEIDER,
YOU'VE SAVED MY LIFE.

I THINK YOU'RE A
WONDERFUL PERSON.

AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT EVERYONE SAYS.

BARBARA, GET OFF THE PHONE!

I'M NOT ON THE PHONE.

OH. WAIT TILL YOU HEAR.

WHAT'S THE BEST THING
THAT COULD HAPPEN?

YOU'RE LEAVING HOME
AND I GET THE BEDROOM.

NO. IT'S REALLY FANTASTIC NEWS.

WHAT IS?

PETER? IT'S JULIE.

WHAT'S THE NEWS?

WOULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET.
I'M TRYING TO TALK ON THE PHONE.

NO, NO, NOT YOU, PETER.

UH, HAVE YOU SOLD YOUR CAR YET?

WELL, YOU HAVE
NOW. I'M GONNA BUY IT.

YOU'RE GETTING A CAR?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE
BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU?

DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN?

PETER, PLEASE, DON'T
SELL IT TO ANYONE ELSE.

I'LL GIVE YOU $400 FOR YOUR CAR.

$450? WHAT ARE YOU,
OUT OF YOUR MIND?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. $410

AND THAT INCLUDES
ALL 3 MAG WHEELS.

OK, GREAT, GREAT. I'LL
TALK TO YOU TOMORROW.

I GOT IT!

JULIE, FANTASTIC.

WE'LL HAVE A BIG CELEBRATION

AND TELL EVERYBODY WE
KNOW THAT YOU'VE GOT A CAR.

UH, BEFORE MOM COMES
HOME AND SAYS, "NO WAY."

WELL, SHE WON'T THIS TIME.

SHE DID THE LAST 3 TIMES.

IN HER OWN SWEET,
MOTHERLY WORDS SHE SAID,

"MY DARLING, NO WAY
ARE YOU HAVING A CAR

UNTIL YOU GET OFF YOUR
LAZY DUFF AND GET THE MONEY."

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, TWERP,

MY LAZY DUFF IS CURRENTLY
LISTED AMONG THE EMPLOYED.

YOU'RE SELLING YOUR DUFF?

NO, NO, NO. I GOT A
JOB AS A WAITRESS.

YOU'RE KIDDING!
WHERE? AT THE PIE SHOP?

NO. DOWNTOWN. McDONALD'S?

NO, ARNIE'S PLACE.

I NEVER HEARD OF IT.
SOUNDS LIKE A DUMP.

IT IS NOT. SCHNEIDER EATS THERE.

IT'S A DUMP.

BARBARA, THE FOOD IS VERY GOOD.

ALL THE TRUCKERS STOP THERE.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THE FOOD'S GOOD.

IT MEANS THE
WAITRESSES ARE STACKED.

THEN WHY'D THEY HIRE
ME... OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

WHEN DO YOU WORK?

4:00 TILL 10:00.

"NO WAY."

OH, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO
HANDLE MOM. JUST LET ME TELL HER.

♪ [humming]

HELLO.

I TAKE IT YOU RAN
INTO SCHNEIDER.

IN THE HALL.

♪ [humming]

UH, DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

HE SANG TO ME.

♪ [humming]

OH, MA, COME BACK, I'VE GOT
SOME REALLY GREAT NEWS.

OH, YOU'RE GONNA BE
SO HAPPY. IT'S FANTASTIC.

[laughs]

WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE GOT OFF HER LAZY DUFF.

I GOT A JOB.

HEY, JULIE, THAT'S
GREAT! WHAT KIND OF JOB?

WAITING TABLES. AT THE PIE SHOP?

NO, DOWNTOWN. McDONALD'S?

WAY DOWNTOWN.

WOULD YOU SHUT UP.
IT'S CALLED ARNIE'S PLACE.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT.

IT'S A LOVELY, LOVELY
LITTLE FAMILY RESTAURANT.

AHEM. OH, IT REALLY IS, MA.

OH, AND I FEEL SO ADULT AND
RESPONSIBLE TO BE ABLE TO TAKE THIS.

CAN I TAKE IT, PLEASE?

WELL, SURE, HONEY.

I MEAN, WELL, I... I GUESS SO.

UH, MAYBE.

H-HOW DID YOU GET THE JOB?

SCHNEIDER RECOMMENDED ME.

[laughs]

SCHNEIDER?

YEAH. OH, YOU ARE SO
GREAT TO LET ME TAKE IT.

YOU ARE THE GREATEST
MA IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

YEAH, WELL, BEFORE
YOU GET ME LISTED

IN THE GUINNESS BOOK
OF RECORDS HERE,

UH, WHAT ARE YOUR HOURS?

JUST AFTER SCHOOL.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOMEWORK?

(both) HA-HA, I KNEW
YOU'D ASK THAT.

SEE, I'VE GOT IT
ALL FIGURED OUT.

UH, I AM ONLY GONNA BE WORKING
DURING THE TIME THAT I USUALLY GOOF OFF.

OH, CAN I TAKE IT? PLEASE, MOM.

I MEAN, I'LL BE ABLE TO HELP
PAY FOR GROCERIES AND CLOTHES.

MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF THE RENT.

I CAN EVEN PUT SOME MONEY
ASIDE FOR BARBARA'S EDUCATION.

[laughs]

WHAT ABOUT THE CAR YOU WANTED?

OF COURSE, I'LL
BUY HIS CAR INSTEAD!

THERE GOES MY EDUCATION.

"HIS CAR"?

IT'S PETER PALMER'S CAR.

MA, YOU SAID I COULD GET A
CAR IF I EARNED THE MONEY.

NOT THAT WRECK
WITH THE MISSING DOOR.

IT'S NOT MISSING.
IT'S IN THE TRUNK.

[knocking on door]

HI.

JULIE, UH, ARNIE CALLED.

HE SAID HE WANTS YOU TO
START WORK THIS AFTERNOON.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

WHY DIDN'T HE CALL ME?
I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER.

UH, HE DROPPED IT IN
THE CLAM CHOWDER.

YOU'LL PROBABLY GET
A CALL FROM A BUSBOY.

UH, SCHNEIDER, JULIE SAYS
YOU HELPED HER GET THIS JOB.

WELL, UH, YEAH, I WAS, UH,

I WAS GLAD TO DO IT.

BESIDES, THEY NEED
ANOTHER WAITRESS.

MILLIE GOT PREGNANT.

PREGNANT?

WELL, I WOULDN'T WORRY.

IT WASN'T A JOB
RELATED ACCIDENT.

UH, SCHNEIDER,
WHERE IS THIS PLACE?

OH, I TOLD YOU, MA, IT'S
DOWNTOWN. MMM-HMM.

YEAH, IT'S A GREAT LOCATION. IT'S
RIGHT NEXT TO THE MEAT-PACKING PLANT.

ALL THE WIENERS ARE
SLAUGHTERHOUSE FRESH.

IT'S IN THE INDUSTRIAL SECTION.

WITH THE GREATEST
CHILI IN THE WORLD.

AND ALL THE TRUCKERS SWEAR BY IT

BECAUSE IT HELPS THEM STAY AWAKE
ON THOSE LONG OVERNIGHT HAULS.

IT'S A TRUCK STOP.

WHATEVER GAVE ME THE IDEA

THAT IT WAS A NICE LITTLE
FAMILY RESTAURANT?

WELL, TRUCKERS HAVE FAMILIES.

[laughs] SOMETIMES
MORE THAN ONE.

(Ann) BARBARA.

UH, LOOK, MS. ROMANO.

TRUCKERS, THEY'RE
THE SALT OF THE EARTH.

I MEAN, THEY RESPECT WOMANHOOD,

JUST AS DO I.

SCHNEIDER, PLEASE
DON'T... DON'T HELP ME.

BESIDES, THEY'RE, UH,
THEY'RE VERY GOOD TIPPERS.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GIVE
'EM A LITTLE BODY ENGLISH,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AH, JULIE, YOU'RE NOT
WORKIN' IN A JOINT LIKE THAT.

WHAT "JOINT LIKE THAT"?

WAIT A SECOND,

THERE'S NOTHIN' DOWN THERE
THAT'S GONNA HURT THE LITTLE LADY.

I MEAN, IT'S A NICE CLEAN PLACE.

THE HEALTH INSPECTORS ARE THERE
IN THERE MAYBE 4 OR 5 TIMES A WEEK.

ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC?

MS. ROMANO, NOT TO WORRY.

NOW, I'M TELLIN' YOU, ARNIE DON'T
PUT UP WITH NO HANKY-PANKY.

HE TAKES CARE OF HIS GIRLS.

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE ONCE IN A WHILE

SOME CREEP COPS A PINCH.

IF ANYBODY GETS
REALLY OUT OF LINE,

KNUCKLE SANDWICH.

THANK YOU, SCHNEIDER.

POR NADA, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

LOOK, YOU LET THE KID
GO DOWN THERE, HUH?

EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
YOU CAN TRUST ME ON THIS, OK?

WELL, I GUESS I HAVE TIME FOR A
SANDWICH BEFORE THE FIGHT STARTS.

JULIE, WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO GET AWAY WITH?

NOTHING, MOM, I
MEAN, IT'S A GOOD JOB.

BETTER THAN ANYTHING
ELSE I CAN FIND.

I MEAN, I'LL GET
GOOD PAY AND TIPS.

AT 6 HOURS A DAY,
PLUS WEEKENDS...

6 HOURS A DAY! JULIE, YOU JUST
TOLD ME IT WAS AFTER SCHOOL.

WELL, I-IT STARTS AFTER SCHOOL.

AND ENDS AFTER JOHNNY CARSON.

IT'S ONLY 4:00 UNTIL 10:00.

[laughs]

NO WAY!

I TOLD YOU.

MOM, PLEASE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOMEWORK?

I TOLD YOU, THAT'S
ALL FIGURED OUT.

I'M GONNA HAVE A HALF
HOUR ON THE BUS, EACH WAY.

OH, WELL, THAT'S IDEAL.
QUIET, GOOD LIGHT,

A NICE PAIR OF KNEES FOR A DESK.

THEY SAY TRAVEL IS BROADENING.

HMM.

MOM, IT'S ALMOST 3:30, I'VE
REALLY GOTTA GET GOING.

YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

[sighs]

I KNOW WHAT IT IS. YOU
DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE A CAR.

RIGHT.

MA, YOU TOLD ME IF I GOT
A JOB, I COULD GET ONE.

BUT YOU DIDN'T THINK
I'D TAKE YOU UP ON IT.

JULIE, I'M JUST TRYING TO STOP
YOU FROM MAKING A STUPID MISTAKE.

OH, NOW I'M STUPID.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

BUT YOU'RE JUMPING
INTO A RIDICULOUS JOB

JUST TO BUY AN UNSAFE CAR.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S UNSAFE?
HAVE YOU EVER DRIVEN IT?

I'VE SEEN IT.

THE DOOR IS GONE,
THERE'S NO PAINT,

THE AERIAL IS MISSING,
THERE'S A WINDOW GONE.

I'M SURPRISED PETER
HASN'T BEEN ARRESTED

FOR DRIVING WITHOUT A CAR.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT A
KID TO DRIVE, A CADILLAC?

YOU DON'T RESPECT MY
JUDGMENT AT ALL, DO YOU?

OH, JULIE, PLEASE,
I'VE BEEN THERE.

I HAVE MADE THE SAME MISTAKES.

I'D LIKE YOU TO BENEFIT
FROM MY EXPERIENCE.

WOULD YOU JUST LET
ME LEARN BY MYSELF?

OH, BABY...

DON'T CALL ME BABY!
THAT REALLY TICKS ME OFF!

I AM A YOUNG WOMAN. JULIE.

MOM, THERE IS JUST
A SMALL POSSIBILITY

THAT I MIGHT NOT MAKE THE
SAME DUMB MISTAKES YOU MADE.

YOU SHUT UP!

UH, BARBARA...

I KNOW, "BARBARA,
GO TO YOUR ROOM."

HOW COME YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE THAT GETS TO BE OBNOXIOUS?

MOM, I HAVE HEARD YOU
SAY A THOUSAND TIMES

THAT... THAT A PERSON MUST
LEARN BY HER OWN MISTAKES.

YOU DID SAY THAT, DIDN'T YOU?

[sighs]

TSK.

YEP.

ISN'T THAT ONE OF THE
REASONS YOU GOT THE DIVORCE,

'CAUSE DAD WOULDN'T LET
YOU DO ANYTHING ON YOUR OWN?

YEP.

WELL, COME ON, MOM.

LET ME TRY. I MEAN,

IF I'M GONNA MAKE A MISTAKE, WHY
DON'T YOU LET ME LEARN BY MYSELF?

OK?

YEAH.

OH, THANK YOU, MOM.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BUT IT WON'T BE A
MISTAKE. YOU'LL SEE.

OH, I FEEL INDEPENDENT ALREADY.

CAN I BORROW A
QUARTER FOR BUS FARE?

YES, ED.

[Ed chattering]

YES, ED.

YES, ED.

NO, ED.

ED, WILL YOU BE CIVIL?

DON'T TALK TO ME AS IF
WE WERE STILL MARRIED.

ED, LOOK, I KNOW YOU HAVE THE
GIRLS FOR THE WEEKEND, RIGHT.

WELL, YOU'RE STILL
GONNA HAVE BARBARA,

BUT JULIE CAN'T
COME. SHE'S WORKING.

A WAITRESS.

NO, NOT AT THE PIE SHOP.

NO, NOT McDONALD'S.

IT'S A NICE LITTLE
FAMILY RESTAURANT.

UH, MOSTLY FOR THE
TRANSPORTATION PROFESSION.

YEAH.

OH... OH... OH, SHE'LL
STUDY ON THE BUS.

[Ed screaming]

ED, SHE WANTS TO BUY A CAR.

HEY, NOW, I MEAN,
ED, JUST COOL DOWN.

I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN ALL
THROUGH THIS BEFORE.

SHE WANTS TO GET A CAR. SHE'S GONNA
EARN THE MONEY HERSELF TO BUY IT, OK?

[Ed yelling]

I AM A FIT MOTHER.

ED.

ED.

ED.

[Ed continues yelling]

[sighs]

ED.

ED.

ED, HOLD IT!

I... I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH
THIS WHOLE THING AGAIN, OK?

NOW, SHE'S OLD ENOUGH
TO MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS.

NOW, SHE IS NOT A BABY
ANYMORE. SHE IS A YOUNG WOMAN.

[Ed screaming]

WELL, MAYBE THAT'LL PREVENT HER

FROM MAKING SOME OF THE
SAME DUMB MISTAKES I MADE.

GOOD BYE, ED.

[sputtering]

[knocking on door]

UH, BARBARA, WILL YOU,
UH, GET THAT, PLEASE?

RIGHT. MAID,
DOORMAN, EVERYTHING.

[sniffing]

SOMETHING MUST BE BURNING.

HIYA.

[screams]

HI, DAVID. COME ON IN.

HOW ARE YOU? FINE.

GEE, YOU'RE LOOKING NICE,
DAVID. NICE TO SEE YOU.

THANK YOU FOR THE
WONDERFUL WELCOME, BARBARA.

THAT DUMB OVEN BURNED
MY FROZEN DINNER.

OH, YOU BETTER PUT THAT OUT BEFORE
YOUR MOTHER CATCHES YOU SMOKING.

BARBARA, BARBARA, WHO
WAS THAT AT THE DOOR?

HI, DAVID. HI.

WHAT BURNT?

MY DINNER.

IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO
DO JULIE'S DUSTING,

IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

AH!

WHILE SHE'S WORKING, I
HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER HER.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

BARBARA, IT'S ONLY BEEN 2 DAYS.

WELL, AT LEAST
SHE'S GETTING PAID.

I'M NOT ANY HAPPIER ABOUT
THIS SITUATION THAN YOU ARE.

UH, ANN, MAYBE WE SHOULD
POSTPONE THIS EVENING, HUH?

OH, NO, POSTPONE. LOOK
AT US! WE'RE GORGEOUS.

NOW, WE'VE BEEN PLANNING
TONIGHT FOR WEEKS.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S JUST THAT THE ESCOFFIER
ROOM IS A VERY SPECIAL RESTAURANT,

AND I DON'T WANT TO
WASTE IT ON A NIGHT

WHEN YOUR MIND IS
OBVIOUSLY ON OTHER THINGS.

IT'S NOT ON OTHER
THINGS, DAVID, REALLY.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO ALL OF TONIGHT.

OH, GOOD, GOOD, I... I JUST THOUGHT
YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT JULIE.

OH, SHE HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY
IMPOSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH.

YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT
JULIE. WAIT A MINUTE.

THE ONLY TIME SHE'S
BEARABLE IS WHEN SHE'S ASLEEP.

SLEEP. WHO SLEEPS?

OUR ROOM SMELLS LIKE
A RANCID FRENCH FRY.

I TOLD HER NOT TO TAKE THAT JOB.

BUT NO, NO. SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN.

JULIE KNOWS BEST.

UH, ANN, YOU
KNOW, I REALLY THINK

THAT WE SHOULD, UH, YOU
KNOW, NOT GO OUT THIS EVENING.

I'M ALMOST READY. I CAN'T
WAIT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD
GO SOME PLACE ELSE THEN.

NO, NO. I'M LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.

A NICE, QUIET DINNER
IS JUST WHAT I NEED.

I WANT TO FORGET
ALL ABOUT JULIE.

LET ME JUST GET MY KEYS.

AH, SHE HATES IT DOWN
THERE, BUT SHE WON'T ADMIT IT.

OH, NO.

ANN, ANN, YOU KNOW, THE
ESCOFFIER ROOM IS ABOUT $50 A HEAD.

DAVID, IF YOU WOULD RATHER
TAKE SOMEBODY ELSE...

I'LL GO.

(Ann) BARBARA.

I WON'T GO.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO
TAKE ANYBODY ELSE.

I, UH, I JUST WANT YOU TO BE IN THE
RIGHT KIND OF MOOD WHEN WE GO.

DAVID, I AM IN THE
RIGHT KIND OF MOOD.

HONESTLY, I WANT TO HAVE
A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT.

I MEAN, WHY SPEND
A LOVELY EVENING

WORRYING ABOUT JULIE
WORKING IN THAT DUMP?

HEY, HERE'S A THOUGHT.

WHY DON'T WE JUST, YOU KNOW,
STOP BY, SEE HOW SHE'S DOING,

YOU KNOW, GRAB A QUICK APERITIF.

I CAN'T DO THAT, DAVID.
SHE'LL THINK I'M SPYING ON HER.

COME ON, LET'S GO GET
THIS DINNER OVER WITH.

WRONG, WRONG.

NO, YOU SEE, THAT'S
THE WRONG ATTITUDE.

I THINK WE WILL BOTH
BE A LOT HAPPIER

IF WE STOP DOWN
AT... AT BERNIE'S.

ERNIE'S. ARNIE'S.

ARNIE'S.

ARNIE'S?

ISN'T THAT THE PLACE
THEY HAD THE HOLD UP?

HOLD UP? SOMEBODY HELD UP ARNIE?

NO. BUSINESS WAS SLOW, SO
ARNIE HELD UP A CUSTOMER.

♪ [humming]

[inaudible]

MISS!

MISS!

[rings bell] HEY, YOU!

NUMBER 3,

WILL PICK UP THESE
EGGS BEFORE THEY HATCH?

IN A MINUTE, ARNIE.

LADY, UH, MISS, WOULD YOU
MIND COMING OVER HERE?

WOULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN
SOMETHIN' TO ME? WHAT? WHAT?

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME

WHAT DID I EAT THAT COST $9.27?

I DON'T KNOW. IN A MINUTE.

IN A MINUTE?

MISS, WOULD YOU PLEASE?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

AH, IS SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOUR CHECK, SIR?

OH. JUST A $9.27 RIP-OFF.

MISS, I ORDERED SOME WATER.

OH, OF COURSE. EXCUSE ME.

NOW, UH, WHO HAD
THE SHRIMP SALAD?

HEY, HONEY, YOU BETTER THROW
SOME MEAT OVER TO TABLE 8.

THEY JUST BIT MY LEG.

[pounding bell]

NUMBER 3, WILL YOU
PICK UP THIS CHICKEN?

2 MORE DAYS, IT'LL
RISE FROM THE DEAD.

JUST COOL IT, OK,
ARNIE, JUST COOL IT.

UH, NOW WHO HAD THE STEAK?

WE HAD 2 HAMBURGERS. BOTH LOUSY.

OH, I SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

THIS $9.27 MEANS SEPTEMBER 27TH.

OH, I'M SORRY. I
ADDED IN THE DATE.

IF YOU TIP HER, MILTON,

NEXT TIME YOU CAN TAKE
YOUR WIFE TO DINNER.

OH, NO TIPS. NO TIPS.

I PROMISE.

KEEP IT MOVIN'. FLICK YOUR BIC.

MARILYN, I THINK I JUST SAW SOMETHING
MOVING AROUND HERE IN THIS SOUP.

SO HOLD IT UNDER TILL
IT STOPS STRUGGLING.

UH, MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER NOW?

I, UH, I'LL HAVE A
CHEESE SANDWICH.

CHEESE.

CHEESE!

HERBERT, THE LAST THING IN
THIS WORLD YOU NEED IS CHEESE.

HE'LL HAVE PRUNES.

(Julie) PRUNES?

I DON'T WANT PRUNES.

I ONLY ORDER PRUNES
WHEN I NEED PRUNES.

AND I... I DON'T NEED PRUNES.

HE'LL HAVE PRUNES.

PRUNES.

BUT MAYBE IF HE WANTS A CHEESE
SANDWICH, HE SHOULD HAVE ONE.

ATTA GIRL, CUTIE.

CUTIE!

HAVE YOU GOT THE
HOTS FOR MY HERBIE?

NO, NO. NO, MA'AM, NO.

I'LL... I'LL BRING THE PRUNES.

YOU BETTER.

(man) CHECK, PLEASE.

OH, YES.

UH, THIS IS YOUR CHECK.

[coins clattering]

THANK YOU.

[coins clattering]

(Arnie) MOVE IT, MOVE
IT. WE GOT CUSTOMERS.

LET'S GO.

HEY.

[chattering]

HEY.

HERE YOU GO.

HEY, HONEY. WE DON'T NEED MENUS.

IF WE CAN'T SMELL
IT, YOU AIN'T GOT IT.

THAT'S FUNNY. I LIKE THAT.

YOU MUST BE NEW, HONEY,
'CAUSE THAT JOKE SURE AIN'T!

UH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT?

YEAH, I'D LIKE YOU ON TOAST.

I KNOW YOU LIKE YOUR
MEAT ON THE RARE SIDE,

BUT I THINK YOU'RE
GETTIN' CARRIED AWAY.

OH, HE'LL GET CARRIED AWAY
IF HIS OLD LADY FINDS OUT.

UH, WHAT DO YOU
RECOMMEND, HONEY?

A COLD SHOWER.
THIS IS JAIL BAIT.

I'LL HAVE THE STEAK AND ONIONS.

STEAK, ONIONS.

SAY, HONEY, HOW'S
YOUR LIVER TODAY?

OOH, I BET IT'S CUTE.

I'LL HAVE THAT STEAK
RARE. REAL RARE.

BRING IT IN ON A LEASH.

UH, WOULD YOU LIKE THAT A
LA CARTE OR ON THE DINNER?

ON THE DINNER.

OK, ON THE DINNER YOU HAVE YOUR
CHOICE OF PEA SOUP OR VEGETABLE,

AND YOU CAN HAVE EITHER
FRENCH OR RUSSIAN ON YOUR SALAD.

(man #2) I'LL TAKE THE
RUSSIAN ON THE DINNER

AND PEA SOUP ON THE SALAD.

I'LL HAVE FRIES AND
BEANS WITH THAT.

AND A CREAM SODA.

WELL, UH... EXCUSE ME.

SEE, UH, IT'S NOT AS
BAD AS YOU THOUGHT.

NO, IT'S WORSE.

OH, I HOPE JULIE DOESN'T
USE THE REST ROOMS HERE.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE THE CHOPPED
STEAK. USE THE FRESH MEAT, YEAH?

GIVE ME THE SWISS STEAK.
THE VEGETABLE SOUP.

CARROTS AND PEAS.

OIL AND VINEGAR ON THE SALAD.

HASH BROWN POTATOES. MASHED
POTATOES AND BOILED ONIONS.

AND VEGETABLE
SOUP. AND AN ECLAIR.

MAKE THAT PEA SOUP.

CAN YOU R-REPEAT
THE WHOLE THING?

YEAH, I WANT... I WANT A CHOPPED
STEAK. USE THE FRESH MEAT, YEAH?

I WANT THE SWISS
STEAK. VEGETABLE S-SOUP.

GIVE ME CARROTS AND PEAS.

OIL AND VINEGAR ON THE SALAD.

HASH BROWN POTATOES.
BROWN POTATOES.

BOILED POTATOES. AND PEA SOUP.

GREEN PEA. PEA SOUP.

PEA SOUP.

OH MY, EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY.

(men) HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

UH, WELL, DAVID WAS TAKING
ME OUT TO DINNER, ANYWAY,

AND YOU TOLD US SO
MUCH ABOUT BERNIE'S...

ERNIE'S. ARNIE'S.

ARNIE'S.

UH, WE JUST THOUGHT
WE'D STOP BY...

AND CHECK UP ON ME.
WELL, I'M REALLY DOING FINE.

WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER AND
SIT DOWN, I'LL GET YOU SOME MENUS.

OK.

NICE LITTLE FAMILY RESTAURANT.

YES, UH, ADDAMS FAMILY.

WHOA, UH, UH, COULD I
HAVE A NAPKIN OR 2, PLEASE?

SURE, TAKE A BUNCH.

THANK YOU.

[men chattering]

[bell ringing]

NUMBER 3,

WHEN YOU GET THROUGH
FILLIN' OUT YOUR DANCE CARD,

WOULD YOU MIND PICKIN'
UP THESE SPECIALS?

JUST A MINUTE, ARNIE!

UH, JULIE, JULIE,
WHAT... WHAT IS THIS?

OH, THAT'S JUST A SOUP STAIN.

WITH LEGS.

UH, HEY, MISS, MISS.

LISTEN, FORGET THE SWISS STEAK.

GIVE ME THE POT ROAST
WITH THE PEA SOUP.

OH, I'LL CHANGE MY ORDER
TO THE POT ROAST, TOO.

AND I'LL HAVE BEANS WITH THAT

AND SAUERKRAUT
AND AN ORANGE SODA.

POT ROAST?

YOU WANT... YOU WANT
THE POT ROAST, TOO?

NO, JUST THE POTATO PANCAKES.

HEY, YOU WITH THE
FIGURE LIKE A PENCIL,

GET THE LEAD OUT.

LOOK AT THIS, HUH,

HOT CAKES, HAM, BACON,
SAUSAGE, COFFEE, ONLY A $1.50.

HEY, MISS YOU HAVEN'T
FINISHED TAKIN' OUR ORDER HERE.

WAIT A SECOND, OK? SHH!

MAYBE SHE'S SLEEPING.

HEY, OH.

[gasping]

[Arnie screaming]

WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?

THAT APE OVER THERE PINCHED ME.

DON'T YOU CALL A
CUSTOMER AN APE!

HEY, HOW CAN I PINCH YOU?
THERE'S NOTHIN' TO PINCH.

DON'T WORRY, HONEY, IT'LL GROW.

[laughing]

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

WHAT WAS THAT YOU JUST
SAID TO MY DAUGHTER?

OH, YOU'RE THE MOTHER.

OH, WELL, YOU CAN SEE
THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE.

HEY! HEY!

HEY, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY?

JUST CALM DOWN, CALM
DOWN. SHE'S A CRAZY LADY.

THERE'S NO NEED TO GET ABUSIVE.

WELL, WELL, IT'S THE
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY.

BUTT OUT, HUH, FANCY PANTS.

HEY.

HEY. HEY.

HEY!

HOLD IT, HOLD IT!

YEAH!

YOU BUTT OUT OR YOUR
HEAD WILL GO IN CENTERFIELD.

HEY, DON'T THREATEN
HIM OR YOU'RE A SOPRANO!

YOU'RE CRAZY, LADY! CRAZY!

DON'T YOU TALK TO
MY MOM THAT WAY!

I QUIT.

THIS IS YOUR MOTHER?

(Julie) YES!

AND YOU QUIT? YES!

YOU'RE QUITTING. YES!

YOU'RE FIRED. GO!

BANANAS. YOU'RE ALL BANANAS.

THAT'S RIGHT WE'RE ALL BANANAS.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHIN'
ELSE? WE COME AS A BUNCH.

GO. GO.

AND, UH, WE'RE... WE'RE
LEAVING AS A BUNCH ALSO.

SORRY, PETER, I
CAN'T BUY YOUR CAR.

I ONLY MADE $28.

YOU SOLD IT ALREADY?

WHO DID HE SELL IT TO?

WHO DID YOU SELL IT TO?

I LOST OUT TO ACME WRECKING.

HEY, NUMBER 3.

PICK UP THE BIRD BEFORE IT
GOES SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.

UH, DINNER IS
READY, I GOT TO GO.

HEY, HEY, HEY, THE
JAVA'S GETTIN' COLD.

MOVE IT, PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY.

DON'T FORGET WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE LAST PERSON WHO CALLED ME THAT.

OH, WHAT HAPPENED
TO HIM? DID YOU HIT HIM?

UH, WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY
HONEST, UH, I MISSED HIM.

UH, BUT, UH, THE FOOD GOT HIM.

MOM. YES.

THERE IS SOMETHING I FEEL THAT
I REALLY MUST TELL YOU ABOUT.

WHAT IS THAT?

WELL, YOU DIDN'T
SAY, "I TOLD YOU SO."

OH, "I TOLD YOU SO."

[mutters]

(female announcer) THIS
PROGRAM IS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.