One Day at a Time (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Politics Episode - full transcript

-Great news!
Chago's daughter Margarita
is getting baptized,
and we're all invited!
-Oh, yeah!
-That's so sweet!
-Oh, I love it!
I got the perfect suit.
-Oh, that baby's so cute!
Her name is Alice, but they
nicknamed her Margarita
because that's how she got made.
-Question -- has Chago picked
a godfather,
and can I throw my nombre
in the hat?
-Ugh...
-Oh, my God.
-Are you Cuban?
Are you family?
Are you Catholic?
-I'm two out of three.
-You're none out of three!
-Estrellita and her family are
coming in from Miami.
Which means Mirtha is coming,
which means I have to spritz
the place with holy water
because she is La Diabla.
-Oh, um --
-What's happening?
-Yep.
-This is just Febreze until I
can get the real stuff.
-I thought you settled
the mantilla feud and
you're all good now.
-No, Tia made a comment about
Abuelita's croquetas
being dry and now it's back on.
-You know what will be dry?
Every eye at her funeral!
-Yeah, but your
ridiculous vieja feud
isn't gonna be
the problem this time.
-What is?
-Make America great again!
Make America great again!
Make America great again!
-Oh, that's right.
-♪ This is it ♪
-♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa ♪
-♪ One day at a time ♪
-Because they're like us, I
always forget they're like that.
-Okay, as long as we stay away
from politics, it'll be fine.
It's a baptism -- we don't have
to talk during the service,
and afterwards, we'll gossip
about how Chago and Valeria
got married seven months ago and
Margarita is a miracle baby.
-What will we do after?
Because they are of course
staying with us.
-What?!
No, Mami.
I know they're family and --
-We don't send family to hotels
like los Americanos frios.
-Good, so you get it.
-We have to make an exception
this time.
The only way to keep
the family together
is to keep the family apart.
-Well, if they cannot stay with
you, they will stay with me.
Night night, Mirtha.
I hope the floor isn't as hard
as your bistec empanizado.
-If I wanted to hear screeching
from an old bag,
I'd play with this zipper!
-You know what I wish had
a zipper?
Your mouth!
They have to stay.
They are family.
-I'm with Abuelita.
I hope the Reyeses stay as long
as they want.
I love Tio ATM.
-Tio ATM?
-That's what I call Tio Juanito.
How great is it being Cuban?
-iEso, Papito!
[ Cha-ching! ]
-He gives me $20 every time I
say something he likes.
-This is all a disaster.
-Just keep it light.
Talk about
non-controversial stuff.
Like the weather.
-Gotta love this LA weather,
huh?
-Thank you, "global warming."
-Maybe try sports?
-How dare that football guy
disrespect our troops by
kneeling down peacefully?
-How about movies?
-If you have a penis,
use the men's room!
-Why would that come up?
-It always comes up!
-I still think the Reyeses
should stay with us.
-What? You of all people should
be against it,
you disagree with them
about everything!
-True. I mean, when I came out
to Tio, he said...
-You just haven't met the right
boy yet, Elena.
-That's because they don't make
them like you, Tio.
-iEso, Papito!
[ Cha-ching! ]
-But they're voters in Florida,
a swing state,
so we can't let them leave
till December.
[ Thunder crashes ]
-No.
Politics and family do not mix,
and that's why I'm putting
my foot down.
The Reyeses can't stay with us,
iy ya!
[ Cell phone chimes ]
-Too late.
They just landed, they're on
their way here.
iY ya, y ya!
-Just landed?
The baptism is next week!
-They are coming early
to have a mini-vacation
and do all the things
they can't do in Florida.
Go to the beach, visit
Disneyland, see an orange grove.
-You are literally describing
Florida!
This is terrible.
It's just going to be a week of
fighting and yelling.
-Yeah, how is that different
than any other week?
-Oh, my God.
Can I please fix everything?
-Oh, boy.
-What I love most about you guys
is how you talk about
everything.
Every sigh, every slight exhale,
you're like,
"What's going on there?
Family meeting,
love, love, hugs, hugs."
-Why are you telling us things
we already know?
-Because it's a huge mistake
in this situation!
Let my wildly dysfunctional
family be your guide.
Just don't talk to each other.
-That is impossible.
-Yeah, Mami sometimes FaceTimes
me while I'm peeing.
-And that is only
because I am cooking,
because otherwise
I would just walk in.
-You gotta retrain yourselves.
Father and I have spent weeks
without saying a word
to each other.
He once left a Post-It note on
my door that said,
"I'm not sure you're mine."
I saved it and look at it
whenever I think
I might love him.
-And everybody should do that?
-Yes, because
then you won't fight.
See, you keep
the feelings inside,
where the only person
they can harm is yourself.
-Hmm...
[ High-pitched whistling ]
[ Groaning ]
♪♪
-Those explosions remind me we
need a strong military.
-Eso, Papito.
[ Cha-ching! ]
-Yeah, keeping it inside
doesn't work for Cubans.
We have to say everything,
then keep saying it louder
until asked to leave
the restaurant.
-No, you just gotta
push it down deeper
so you die of an ulcer
instead of an explosion!
-Ha, yeah, no. Maybe you should
go back to your apartment now,
since this is a family issue
that doesn't include you.
[ High-pitched whistling ]
-[ Gulps ]
See? Totally works.
[ Groans ]
God, I hate my father.
[ Explosion ]
-Lupita, you're all worried
about nothing.
Families have disagreements.
But that does not mean
we cannot be polite.
-Polite? Ha!
What's that look like?
♪♪
-I say, I'm quite nervous that
you and your liberal ilk
are going to confiscate
my musket.
-Balderdash and poppycock!
Of course you'll retain
your blunderbuss.
-Crumpet!
-I'm hearing rumblings
from the colonies
about this Hamilton chap.
-Pip pip, my good Papito!
[ Cha-ching! ]
-Mm!
[ Laughter ]
-What?
-I think you're confusing
politeness with Britishness.
-And you think Tia Mirtha is
going to be polite back?
-Hmm...
-Lydia, can I borrow
your lipstick?
I want to see what the color
looks like on full lips.
-She used the whole tube!
Is it my fault she has the bemba
of a puffer fish?!
-So we're screwed.
-No.
We will just have to settle this
the old-fashioned way.
A talent contest!
♪♪
-♪ Everybody loves me ♪
♪ They tell me I'm so lovely ♪
♪ Compare my voice to that
of the angels ♪
♪ There's no one like me,
that's what they say ♪
Ugh!
-♪ I am the one who has
all the talent ♪
♪ My beauty's epic,
so hide your talons ♪
♪ Because this contest,
I'm gonna slay ♪
-Huh! ♪ I understand why
you get so jealous ♪
Oy!
-♪ Why would that be? ♪
♪ I get all the fellas ♪
Aah!
-♪ I am gonna kick your ass! ♪
-♪ I am gonna kick your ass! ♪
♪♪
-Ladies and gentlemen,
it is I, Gloria Estefan.
And the winner is...
Lydia!
-But -- Oy!
-She is the best dancer,
the best singer,
and I don't know what her
moisturizing regime is,
but she looks like a baby,
and her lips are the fullest!
-But, Gloria Estefan, people
always say I remind them of you!
-Dream on, loser!
Our queen has spoken.
♪♪
[ Vocalizing ]
♪ Gloria Estefan! ♪
-What is even happening?!
-Why would Gloria Estefan
be here?
-[ Speaks Spanish ]
Because everyone knows
if a Cuban closes her eyes and
swishes her hips three times,
she appears.
-Okay, Mami,
you've lost your mind.
-Well, I had a little rum.
This is very stressful.
[ Gulping ]
-Mom, face it.
There's no avoiding politics,
so we may as well try to talk
some sense into them.
-No! Our two families were
fighting for so long,
and we just got back on track.
I don't want to mess that up.
So no politics.
End of discussion.
-Okay, but they're going
to talk about it.
And if we say nothing,
you better be okay with
what's gonna happen.
-We won again!
Four more years!
-And they've perfected
the artificial heart,
so he will live forever
and be president forever!
-If it ain't broke,
don't fix it!
-iEso, Papito!
[ Slot machine bells dinging ]
-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
-Okay. If there has
to be a fight,
then we're gonna win it.
-[ Gulping ]
iY ya!
-So, we're gonna argue politics,
let's do this!
How do I do this?
Hey, cuz, you still like that
comemierda you voted for?
Yeah? Well, either get
your head out your ass
or get the hell out of my house!
-See you at Christmas.
-Love the attitude.
But you need some ammo
to back it up.
-Right, I got to hit her
with facts.
Give me some facts.
-Hillary got
3 million more votes!
-Hillary runs a pedophile ring
out of a pizza parlor!
And the pizza isn't even good!
-The ice caps are melting
and sea levels are rising.
-[ Scoffs ]
First there's a drought,
now there's too much water?!
Make up your mind!
-Even your guy had to admit that
Obama was born in America.
-Mm, of course he was.
[ Ding! ]
-Oh, sorry,
I forgot to tell you --
facts don't matter anymore.
-What?
-Yeah, they had a good run.
But it turns out people want
to believe what they believe
more than they want to believe
what is actually true.
-Is that true?
-Does it matter?
-Que barbaridad.
[ Gulps ]
-Unfortunately, what you have to
do now to win is go negative.
-What happened to, "When they
go low, we go high?"
-Yeah, that went out the window
with facts.
So, what dirt do you have
on Estrellita?
-Hmm...
Hey, Estrellita, remind me --
was it '96 or '97 when you had
that pregnancy scare?
-[ Gasps ]
-[ Gasps ]
-[ Chuckles ]
-You didn't hate Planned
Parenthood back then, did you?
-At least I wasn't on
a first-name basis
with the nurse who gave out
the free condoms!
-[ Gasps ]
-[ Gasps ]
-[ Squeals, chuckles ]
-How about that summer
you taught me
all about mouth stuff
using a cucumber?
-Nope! Bad plan.
We gotta stay above the fray.
We are a classy family and we're
gonna stay classy, damn it.
-[ Gulping ] Ahh!
-Ugh.
-You know, we just had
an assembly at school about
conflict resolution.
These two kids were
filming a fake fight
for TikTok
and then it turned real.
-Oh, yeah. They sent
an e-mail home about it
that I skimmed and deleted.
Go on.
-Okay, it's got three steps.
First, you ask
a non-threatening question.
Then, you listen to
the person's response.
Then, you find common ground.
Ask, Listen, Find --
"ALF"!
-I hate ALF. Just another
illegal alien in our country.
[ Siren wailing ]
-Okay, tell me how it works,
but don't call it "ALF."
-Okay, we need an issue
to use as an example.
-Let's start with the thing
I know best.
-'90s boy bands?
-All the places to get something
free on your birthday?
-How to not wear lipstick
but still succeed?
-Dang, I'm good at
a lot of things.
But I was talking about
health care.
-Okay, so "Ask"
a neutral question.
-So, obviously, everyone should
have health care, right?
-Okay, MSNBC.
-Wow, Mom!
-What was wrong with that?
-You jumped down her throat.
You totally assumed she would
care about other people.
-Right, right.
Good, this is good, keep going.
-It's got to be a completely
uncontroversial question.
-Being healthy is good, right?
-Oh, yes. If you don't have your
health, what do you have?
Of course, if we had socialized
medicine, then we'd all be dead.
Did you know that, in Canada,
a lady had to wait eight years
for a liver transplant,
and then instead,
they gave her a breast implant?
I saw it on Facebook.
-I bet her husband loved it.
Where is the lie?
-And I respond to the crazy how?
-You "Find" common ground.
-Okay.
We...are both on Facebook.
-Good! Keep going!
Find more common ground.
-And, uh, you're upset about
unnecessary medical procedures.
-Exactly.
-Great!
So we both want to live in
a world where we prioritize
good health care that
doesn't cost too much.
Agreed?
-Agreed.
Speaking of health care,
I'm gonna forward you a meme
about how Obamacare paid for
a caravan of illegals
to get free nose jobs.
It's a big problem.
-Ugh...
Well, what do I do now?
-Agree to disagree.
-Agree to disagree?!
So she gets to say
all of her nonsense and I just
have to be nice about it?
-Yeah.
Because it takes years.
My teacher says this is what
they use in the Middle East.
-I don't have years!
There's Cubans in an Uber
right now!
We still have no plan!
[ Sighs ]
This is so much harder
than I thought.
-Changing peoples' minds
about politics is hard.
How did you think
it was going to go?
-And that's why I believe
what I believe.
[ Clapping ]
-Thank you for opening our eyes
with that beautiful speech.
-Eso, Lupita.
America.
-I can't believe we ever voted
for that person!
-What fools we've been!
And Boys II Men
is better than NSYNC.
And I was always jealous
of your curly hair.
-It could happen.
Right?
-Aw, Mom.
[ Chuckles ]
No. It's not going to go
anything like that.
-Well, then, it's going
to go like this.
-I'm gonna drain your swamp.
-Bring it, snowflake!
[ Grunting ]
-Stop fighting!
Here, have some of
my arroz con pollo.
-More like arroz con caca!
[ Grunting ]
-[ Grunts ]
-But her e-mails...
-Uh...
-Uh...
-Huh?
-Uh...
-Oh, we're screwed.
[ Knocking on door ]
-Oh, it's been so long, let me
get a good look at you!
-Well, you can't do that!
-She is right.
Fire will only make
Mirtha stronger.
-I've got it!
Let's move!
I'll have the whole building
air-lifted
and we'll start a new life
in Vancouver!
You guys will be so cool
as the only Latinos there.
Hi-ya!
-You mean y ya?
-What'd I say?
-Okay, okay!
They can stay in a hotel!
-Mami, that's very big of you,
but it's too late.
-Good, because I already changed
my mind again in shame.
-I, for one, am glad.
This is important.
Mom, if we want things
to change,
then isn't it on us to talk
to the people that we love?
Even if it's hard?
-I know, baby, but we're just so
far apart on this stuff.
I just can't imagine what
they're gonna say.
-I think I might be able
to piece it together.
If we're being generous,
the things they care about
are actually...the same things
we care about.
I read this thing,
and it's like...
-Let's say I'm trying
to get to San Diego.
There's a train going
to New York
and a train going to Phoenix.
Neither one's ideal,
so I pick the one
that gets me closer
to where I want to go.
That's how I feel about
this president.
Whatever else happens,
he's going to appoint
Supreme Court justices who are
going to finally protect
the lives of unborn babies.
Is this guy perfect?
No.
Do I want him to come over
to our house for dinner?
God, no.
But be honest --
politicians are all terrible
in some way,
so you have to find the ones
who will do what you want.
And come on, you're telling me
your guy is your first choice?
Everything you ever dreamed of?
I don't think so.
Look, our parents sacrificed so
much for us to be Americans.
So when I hear about free
college and free health care,
my shield goes up because
that's what Castro promised.
We all know how that turned out.
And I don't care about
the president's personal life.
I care about what he's gonna do
so I can keep my personal life.
The world is a scary place,
and there's hard decisions
to be made,
and we don't like
to think about that,
but it can't always
be about your feelings
and wanting to be nice
to everybody.
That's why, as much as it hurts
my Christian heart,
we can't just say,
"Everybody come in."
That's why we need a tough guy.
He may be a bully,
but he's our bully.
And he won,
so get over it.
It's not my fault that he was
opening cans of whoopass
while all your candidates
majored in gender studies.
The world may be crazy right
now, but you and I are safe.
Because he's keeping us safe.
-And what's what's
important to me.
-Dang, you're good.
Like, I was actually nodding
during some of that.
-I know, I kind of
scared myself.
-So, Mom, if she says that,
what are you going to say back?
-Well...
Wow.
I am so stunned that
we are looking at the world
and seeing such
different things.
You think he keeps you safe?
He mishandles every crisis
that comes his way.
Look at Puerto Rico.
A hurricane, earthquakes,
the whole island without power.
And that guy comes and he throws
a bunch of paper towels,
and then he's like, "Bye!"
Now imagine something happening
on a global scale.
Something so huge, it completely
shuts everything down,
and we're stuck waiting
for someone to lead us
while we watch episodes
of our favorite TV shows,
but now they have
to be animated.
I know, it sounds crazy,
but look into my eyes
and tell me that that's the guy
who will get us through it.
Remember when we used to joke
about this stuff?
"I'm a crazy liberal, you're a
stuffy conservative, ha ha ha."
I miss that.
Us being on opposite sides
isn't new.
But now it's different.
This guy made it different.
People used to actually try
to hide their racism.
But the president
made it cool again!
We have to stand up for one
another now more than ever.
That's why we need to say
black lives matter,
trans lives matter,
brown lives matter.
When he calls Mexicans
drug dealers and rapists,
you think that
doesn't affect you?
Do you think if your son
was in that Walmart
where the guy said he was there
to shoot all the Mexicans,
he would have stopped
to ask if Flavio was Cuban
before pulling the trigger?
He wouldn't have cared.
Because the president told him
immigrants are dangerous
and don't deserve to be here.
You want to keep us safe?
How about not deporting people
who fought for this country.
who served with me, who risked
their lives for you?
Crazy idea -- what if, when
people came to this country,
we were like, "Oh, are you
fleeing a horrible situation?
Please, come on in,
it's all good!
Love your food, love your music.
Anyway, we're gonna
give you a little help.
Oh, God, you're doing amazing!
You've actually made
this place better!"
Oh, wait,
that's not a crazy idea.
That was literally us when
our family fled Cuba!
How quickly we forget!
America is great because we
don't just fight for ourselves.
We fight for people
we will never meet.
Just like when
our parents came here.
Strangers organized their trips,
arranged for them to be safe.
Strangers.
We can't benefit from
the kindness of strangers
and then turn
our backs on the ones
who need us
to stand up for them.
Because that's what
kept us safe.
And that's what's beautiful
about this country.
That's what's in my heart.
-Oh, Mom.
You are ready.
-iEso, Mami!
-Thanks.
I still wish there was a way we
didn't have to talk about this.
But now I know I can.
[ Knocking on door ]
-Who is that?
Are we expecting someone?
Oh, that's right.
I have had a little rum.
-Okay, we can do this.
I know they're nuts, but they're
family, and we love them.
-Okay, we can do this.
I know they're crazy liberals,
but they are family,
and we love them.
-Hi!
-Nice to see you, guys!
-iHola!
[ All greeting each other ]