One Day at a Time (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - One Halloween at a Time - full transcript

Mmm.

- Listen, Max.
- Hm?

Ever since we got back together,

there's a question I feel
like I have to ask you.

Sure. Anything?

Did we get better at this?

Well, we have to give
a little bit of credit

to that performance enhancer
you gave me.

This knee brace is a game-changer.

Alright, got to go get
ready for Halloween.

Though, what we did was a treat
and involved a few tricks.



Mm.

Maybe we should just
blow off the costume.

I mean, you already are a sexy nurse.

Hey, that's demeaning.

Sexy nurse practitioner.

But we're doing the costumes.

I can't wait. Ooh!

But before you go, there is something

I want to give you.

In the shower.

God bless that knee brace.

♪ This is it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa ♪

♪ One day at a time ♪



Oh, good!
You are going out for Halloween.

Mm-hmm. I'm climate change
activist Greta Thunberg,

and Syd is a melting iceberg
because you're too hot.

Oh!

We're Thunberg and iceberg!

Why can't you just be cats?

You're already got the whiskers.

Well, we are not going
trick-or-treating.

We are going door to door
to collect signatures

and inform people
about man-made climate change.

Oh, shouldn't we say
person-made climate change?

I'm good with men taking
the credit for this one.

Halloween is the perfect night

because suckers will
open the door for anybody.

Oh, yeah. You ring the doorbell,

and before they even know what's
happening, we hit them with the facts.

Bam! Damage will be
irreversible by 2030.

Bam! Welcome to the insect apocalypse.

Bam! That is the sound of
a door slamming in your face.

Put this outside.

Ugh, with that bobo
in the White House,

I can't stand to look
at an orange face right now.

He's like a pumpkin.
He will get thrown out in November.

Well, guess what we are?

A reminder to shave my legs?

No! Come on!

This is serious!

It's okay, babe.
They just... They need a hint.

Okay, okay.

You are a cow, and you
have stepped in the cow caca.

Goat yoga!

Go-o-o-oat.

Yoga.

Obviously!

Ugh, we're never gonna win.

He's got a lot riding
on winning tonight's

Halloween costume contest
at the Echo Park country club.

We have a country club in Echo Park?

Oh, no, it's the Beverly Hills
Country Club.

They just call it Echo Park on
Halloween to make it sound scary.

I've never won.

But this year, I can't lose
because I have Avery in my life,

and I'm finally
in a loving relationship.

- Aww.
- And couple's costumes always win!

The prize is an iPad mini,
and I never win anything.

You're a rich, straight,
cisgender white dude. You won at life.

But I want an iPad mini.

Ooh! Hey!

What are you, Little Bo Peep
and a messed-up sheep?

Come on. Let's go back to our apartment.

Oh! It's a Halloween miracle.

A hardy-har, har-har-har!

Mom, we're gonna go now.

Ooh! You two look great.

This is a lot better than last year's
toxic drinking water and tumor costumes.

Yeah. We really bummed
out that senior center.

Bye-bye.

Lupita, you look so happy.

Did you enjoy your walk?

- Walk?
- Of shame!

I know you were with Max
doing hanky-panky

when you needed to be here
doing tricky-treaty.

Mami, I don't know
what you're talking about.

We were knitting sweaters
and reading the Bible.

What is wrong with you?

I would have broken him down
like a cardboard box.

Put this outside.

Okay, I'll do that.

Hey, take it somewhere else,
you old creep!

Oh! Hey, Mom.

Whoa!

Look at that hair!

What's your costume?

Anderson Cooper, Billy Idol,
Steve Martin?

I don't know who
any of those people are.

Doesn't he look like
he could be in a boy band?

Yeah, Boyz II Old Men.

Mom, wait.This isn't my costume.
I dyed my hair.

Like, permanently?

How could you do that
without asking me?

I did ask you.

I said, "Mom, on Halloween,
can I dye my hair silver?"

Why would you use Halloween
in that sentence?

That is so misleading.

[Gasps]

Papito, what have you done?

Mm-hmm.

You look just like your abuelo.

[Chuckles]

Tonight, I will put you in
his suit, and we will dance.

Oh, I've made a big mistake.

Yeah, you did.

We'll talk about it later when you
get back from trick-or-treating.

Uh, yeah, I think I'm over that.

Wait, so you're doing
trick-or-treating?

Was last year your last year?
Why didn't you tell me?

How could I tell you last year
was the last year

if I didn't know until this year?

Well, you're a wise old man,
figure it out.

I'm sorry.

But can I please go to Nora's?

Her parents are having a party.

Don't worry, he'll be home in time

to take his arthritis pills.

Ooh! That's a good one.

Yes, you can go to Nora's house.

But make sure you're home in
time to spoon your grandmother.

Bye, papito!

[Cellphone rings]

Hello, Max.

What are you wearing?

Rubber.

But not in a fun way.

Just got done cleaning my bathroom.

Oh!

Well, I can't wait to see you.

Pregnancy test?

Oh, I can't wait to see you, too.

I was just about to head over.

Are you sure you have enough candy?

Completely sure, positive.

I can stop.

I've been through this
a couple times before.

100% sure.

You want to come over here

instead of handing out candy all night?

What am I supposed to do,
leave it in a basket

outside the door
and hope someone takes it?

That's not how I was raised.

Eso!

What, Mami?

Queso!

It's Spanish for "cheese."

Saved it.

Heh!

[Both humming]

[Both laugh]

Oh, I got to admit, "Grease"
was a great costume idea.

Right? Because we go together.

Is it weird that
I'm really attracted to you

even though you're technically
dressed as a high-school girl?

Nah. Every teen in that movie
was pushing 40.

Instead of zits, they were
worried about liver spots.

Presenting the House of Schneider!

Serving Halloween Extravaganza
realness.

Well, do you get it?

Drag... race.

- You're drag race.
- Yes!

Thank you!

I mean, it's really more
of a history lesson in heels.

The full title is "Drag Race...
A Drag Queen Started Stonewall."

Oh, "Drag Race." That's cute.

Oh, no, don't say that.

Cute?

Do you think I tucked
and taped for cute?

You're in a dress.

I think you tucked and taped
for nothing.

Cute's for losers.

Last year, I went as
the "Hang in There" cat.

Nothing.

I almost gave up for good,
and then I looked in the mirror,

and something inspired me
to keep going.

Anyway, back to the drawing board.

He actually draws on a board.

Stick figures.

It's very sad.

I can fix him.

[Door closes]

- She's a lucky woman.
- Yeah.

Alright, now it's time
for a little summer lovin',

and, by summer, I mean, October,
and by lovin',

- I mean wine.
- [Knock on door]

[Pounding on door]

Ooh! Candy duty calls!

Ooh, our first trick-or-treaters.

I love seeing those
little cuties all dressed up!

The Beast is here!

So is the Beauty!

Wow!

Beauty and the Beast!

You guys did a couple's costume, too!

They were a couple?

I never saw the movie.

I thought it was about
a beautiful woman

and her pet dog in a tuxedo.

Leslie, may I see you in the kitchen?

Oh!

Shall I be your guest?

Why are you being weird?

Get in the kitchen!

Look.

I don't know who the father is,
but, I assure you,

I will raise this baby as my own.

No, Leslie.

It is not my baby!

Oh, thank God. I can't raise a baby.

I... I can't even get up
off of this knee.

Maybe I should try one of
those knee braces

Penelope's raving about at work.

Penelope is pregnant.

Dios mio!

Does Max know about this?

I think that is what they are
talking about right now.

They deserve privacy.

They're not gonna get it,
but they deserve it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay. What should we hit them
with first?

How rising sea levels will
destroy coastal communities,

or the coming political chaos
caused by widespread food insecurity?

They're both so inevitable.

Okay. You decide,
and I'll use what I learned

from my summer improv course
to "Yes, and" whatever you say.

Okay.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Anna and Olaf from "Frozen"!

What? No, no, no.
We're not from "Frozen."

Yes, and what's not frozen
is the Arctic!

So cute. Two pieces of candy each!

Oh! Thank you, but we actually
are here because...

[Both speaking indistinctly]

We need a...

He totally didn't realize
that our costumes

are making
a radical political statement.

He just thought we were adorable.

[Scoffs] Men.

Okay, well, let's not panic

because we can get it right
on this one.

Hi. We're here to talk
about climate...

Oh, my stars!

What very clever and timely costumes.

Thank you!

Dorothy and the tornado!

We really didn't think this through.

Well, here we go.

Oh, uh, thank you so much,
but, actually...

We wanted to talk to you
about climate change!

What is going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

Full-size candy bars!

Let's try the next door.

Oh, to see if they'll sign
the petition.

No, to see if they have Snickers.

Yes, and maybe Twix?

Yes.

Alright, I'm calling it.

Once the 30-year-old Spongebob
comes around,

it's time to close up shop.

- Well, we did it.
- Yes!

Thanks for having me over.
This was fun.

Well, when Alex said
he was done trick-or-treating,

I realized a part of my life
was ending, but...

I guess another part is beginning.

Sounds like we should make a toast.

Yes.

To new beginnings!

Chardonnay is not for babies!

What?

What is happening?

You are pregnant.

You're pregnant?

- No!
- Well, how do you explain this?

How do you explain this?

Um, it's not mine. I'm not pregnant.

So nobody's pregnant?

Somebody is pregnant,
according to the trash.

Hold on.

You found a pregnancy test
in our trash can?

Well, if it's not yours, then...

[Gasps]

Oh, could it be Elena's?

Do you think she fell off the wagon?

No, she really loves that wagon.

Which means it could only be...

- I think the only one...
- Alex, yes!

I know, Doc!

[Breathes sharply]

Okay, let me guess.

The "kids" are in the car.

No, no, no. Melba, hi.

Soy Penelope Alvarez, le mama de Alex.

We've spoken on the phone
a couple times.

It's so nice to meet you in person.

Hi, Penelope. Que gusto conocerte.

Este es mi esposo, Ramón.

Hola, Ramón. Como estas?

- This is my boyfriend.
- Me llamo es Max.

No, don't do that right now.

Hi! Que bonita tu casa.

Perdón, tengo que hablar con Alejandro.

Alex!

Get out here right now!

Ustedes son de Puerto Rico?

Sí. Cómo sabías?

Que me encanta ese acento.

Ay, gracias.

What are you doing here?

Why are you dressed
like an old biker dude?

I am Sandy from "Grease."

You don't know who that is, either.

Look.

We need to talk about this.

And we would love to be part
of that conversation.

Norita!

[Speaking Spanish]

She'll be out in a minute.

Why are you showing me
a pregnancy test?

Don't give me that crap,
you silver fox.

- We found this at home.
- Sí, Mami?

Norita, what were you doing
at Alex's house today?

- What? Nothing.
- Well, then somebody explain this.

It's not ours.

Alex, we found it in the trash.

It's not mine, no Abuelita's,
not Elena's.

- How is it not yours?
- Because it's not, all right?

- What other explanation is there?
- It's impossible!

We haven't had sex, okay?

Really?

Look at me.

No sex at all?

Oh, my God! No sex.

Just over the shirt stuff!

You probably didn't need
that information.

Can we all stop talking
about this now, please?

Yeah. Ooh!

What a memorable first meeting,
huh, Melba?

I'm glad we figured this out
without too much embarrassment, right?

Mucho gusto.

Sí.

Sí, mucho Halloween!

Hey!

Sorry! I took German in high school.

I thought you were out
doing a political crusade.

Oh, we tried, believe me,
but sometimes you dress up

to discuss the coming global disaster,

but people think you're the Swiss
Miss girl and mashed potatoes.

But that's okay because
this is gonna give us

so much energy
to fight harder tomorrow!

Yeah. Who knew Halloween was fun?

Literally everybody.

Elena, is there any way

this positive pregnancy test is yours?

How many times do you
want me to come out?

You do know you need a man
for that, right?

Excuse me, I think the
Virgin Mary would clap back.

Alright, well, I'm not pregnant.

Oh! For a second,
they had me convinced.

I mean, you are a saint.

Well, this has to belong to someone.

It didn't just appear by magic.

Oh, my God!

- Whoo!
- No!

Don't compliment us. We came in second.
We lost to Elton John!

Oh, who was dressed like Elton John?

No, we lost to Elton John,

who was dressed as Garfield
eating lasagne.

It was adorable!

Where did you find that?

Is this yours?

Congratulations!

Lovely!

Why are you congratulating her?
I told you, we lost!

Hey.

Don't cry.

Hang in there.

Okay.

Well, I didn't think
I'd be telling you like this.

That's why I put it in their trash
because I wasn't sure how you'd react.

Well, I mean, it's not like
we planned this.

So what are you saying?

I'm pregnant.

So, does this mean you're happy?

Yes!

Are you?

Yeah.

[Laughs]

This is so much better
than an iPad mini.

Oh! Congratulations, you two!

Oh, yes, and we are here
for you if you need us.

And you will.

I'm gonna be a tío.

I'm gonna be a tía.

I'm gonna be a tí-x!

Well, this calls for a celebration.

Hey, Grandpa.

Will you take us all out for ice cream?

Let's keep the hair.

It's silver, but the jokes are gold.