One Day at a Time (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Penny Pinching - full transcript

-A Pop original series.

-It's so nice to
meet all of you.

Thank you for taking me
to dinner, Ms. Alvarez.

-Oh, well, it's not every day
that Alex gets a new girlfriend,

and even though that day
was four weeks ago,

it's nice to finally meet you.
-I'm sorry.

I don't know what
I was worried about.

-So...

...Nora...

...how did you meet my Papito?

-It's actually
a really funny story.



See, Alex was at his locker,
and I come up and said,

"Cool sneakers."

-And then I said...

-And we've been together
ever since.

-God, it's so easy
being straight.

-Has he said he loves you?

No? Ohh.

He has said it to me.

-Okay.
Elena's gay, Alex is a catch,

and you are making
everyone uncomfortable.

So, here.
Let's look at the menus

'cause we have to order before
6:00 to get happy hour prices.

Waiter, we're ready.
I'll have the sliders.

Mami?



-I'll have the pot stickers,

unless they have
actual pot in them.

The chronic does not
agree with me.

-You're good.

And for you?

-Hey!

-Burger!
-Salad!

-Elena, you're up.
-Yes.

I have a few questions about
the almond-crusted salmon salad.

How is the salmon raised?

-It's raised in price
after 6:00!

♪ This is it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa ♪

♪ One day at a time ♪

-And then my abuelo said,

"En esta casa no hay
fanaticos de los Red Sox!"

[ Laughter ]

-I do not care.

If Alex hasn't said it, I will.

I love you!

-Yeah, and I usually
only say this

to whatever mirror
is closest to me,

but you're a freakin' delight.

-It is so nice to finally
have a young Latina around

who speaks Spanish!

-I speak Spanish.
-I'm young.

-You know what, Mom?
I meant to ask,

can I borrow the car tomorrow

so I can go see the Overwatch
League finals, por favor?

-You mean that thing where you
watch nerds play video games?

-Joke's on you.
"Nerds" isn't an insult anymore.

-It's not a compliment.

-Anyway, my two favorite teams
are playing --

the LA Gladiators
and the Shanghai Dragons.

-Yes, you can take the car
to the match

as long as you promise
not to tell me about it after...

and if you drop everyone else
off for their errands first.

-The Overwatch League finals
and I get to make an itinerary?

Did this just turn into
the best weekend ever?

-[ Laughs ]
You're hilarious!

-She wasn't joking.

-Okay.
We got the check.

Don't freak out.
-Okay.

You know the words
"don't freak out"

usually make me freak out
and cost me money.

-Thank you again for taking me
to dinner, Ms. Alvarez.

I was super-nervous to meet you,
but you guys are fun!

-Are you kidding me?!

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Um, a couple of these items
were charged at full price

and not happy hour price.

-Oh, yeah.
I put those in after 6:00.

-Okay, but we ordered them
before 6:00.

-Oh, yeah, but it goes by

when they're entered
into the system, so...

-What's this?

I don't know.

I mean, are you some genie
and this

magically makes me a millionaire

that can afford
full-price pot stickers?

This is happy hour!

-Yep, seems real happy.

-She's not usually like this.
-No, that's true.

She's always like this.

-Okay. You know what?

I want to speak to the manager.

-I am the manager.

-Oh, really?
-Mm-hmm.

-Mm-hmm.
The server is the manager?

-Yep. Mm.
-Oh, really?

Do you think it's my first time
complaining in a restaurant?

-I definitely do not.

Whatever.
I'll take off the charge.

-Oh, good! And you can use
my last two wishes --

Unh! Unh! -- to conjure up
a better attitude

and a freakin' apology!

Pssh!

It was so lovely
to meet you, Nora.

-I can't believe you embarrassed
me in front of Nora like that

for $13 and a brownie that
the waiter definitely spit on!

-So, what, you want to
impress her by making her think

you're some big shot
who doesn't care about money?

-No. I want to impress her
by making her think

I don't have a crazy mother.

-Ooh. Well, now you're just
not being realistic.

-If Nora breaks up with us
over this,

I will never forgive you!

-Oh, my God!

Everybody, relax!

I was fine!

-Fine?
-Yeah.

-[ Scoffs ]
I know it's good to save money,

but maybe the first time
meeting my girlfriend

isn't the right time to threaten
to "burn this mother down."

-I agree with that.
-Oh, my God! Oh!

Schneider, what the hell?!

I'm used to you coming
in the door unannounced,

but now you're coming out
of the furniture?!

-I'm trying to fix
your janky couch

because someone's too cheap
to buy a new one.

It's you.

Come on, Pen.

You're making that sweet
nurse practitioner money now.

-Yeah, but I still have to
be careful how I spend it.

You know, it starts
with full-priced pot stickers.

Next thing you know, you're
living in a cardboard box,

making soup
out of cigarette butts.

-That seems a little extreme.

-You don't know what I know.

You think MC Hammer thought
he was gonna go broke?

He had the biggest pants,

and now he's got nothing
to put in them.

-Pen, you have what's called
a scarcity mind-set.

Even though you have money now,
you don't act like it.

-Oh.
So I should act like you?

"Hi. I'm Schneider.
I wipe my butt with $100 bills."

-That is a hurtful
rich-person stereotype!

I have a custom marble bidet!

-Well, can you use it
on your mouth?

'Cause there's a lot of crap
coming out of there!

-I'm telling you, Pen,

you need to change
your relationship with money.

Spend it on something.
Treat yourself.

Like, finally get a new couch.

-Why? This one is fine.

-F-Fine?

It's covered in rips,
lumps, and this.

-That's just a little leak.

-Couches are not hooked up
to plumbing.

Pen, your sofa is crying.

-Okay. I've got our itinerary
all planned out.

First, Alex, I will drop you off

so you can buy
your stupid sneakers.

Then I will drop Abuelita off
at the fish market

and get to the Overwatch finals

before the first gladiator
is fragged.

-Ay, por favor.

None of those nerds
is getting fragged.

Anyways, I need to be dropped
at the fish market first,

before all of the Cuban crabs
are gone.

-Cuban crabs?

-The strongest ones
claw their way to the top,

so they're the first to go.

Those are the Cuban crabs.

-I can't drop you off
before Alex.

I just got my license,
so I'm not allowed

to drive anyone under 20
unless an adult is present.

-Does it have to be me?
-No.

Any adult who can sit there
and do nothing --

a seat-filler, a flesh bag.

-I have just the person.

-They said staring at the phone
doesn't make it ring.

It may have taken 20 years,
but I proved 'em all wrong!

[ Laughs ]

-The perfect Sunday -- just me,

the TV, and my boyfriend,
Chester Cheetah.

"Whassup, girl?

I'm about to get all up
in yo' mouth."

Oh, God!

That's not good.

-Alright. I -- Okay. Alright.
I know I agreed,

but I thought about it,
and I don't need a new sofa.

-It broke in half, Pen.

-Yeah.
Now I got two love seats.

-Come on. You can afford it.
It's gonna be okay.

-Will it? Then why am I
sweating like a couch?

-They're not supposed to be wet!

Trust me, I know you don't like
to spend money frivolously,

so I did a ton of research
about where we should go,

and I made sure to pick the
store with the funniest name.

-Welcome to Sofa So Good.

-Ha ha ha!

So good!

-Can I just let you off here?
-If you stop first.

-Fine.

[ Sighs ]

Alright.
This is working.

I'm gonna make it
to the Overwatch League.

-I love it when a plan
comes together.

-Oh, my God. Right.
You're still here.

Um, I mean, at least now
we can use the carpool lane.

-Yes!
Flesh bag to the rescue!

Your grandmother told me
about my new nickname.

I'm fine with it.

-Okay.

Um, so when we get there, you
can just hang out in the car.

-Well, actually, I was hoping
to join you for the match.

-Do you know anything
about e-sports?

-Do you know anything
about loneliness?

-Alright, let's do this!

[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh. Hello?

-I need to be picked up!
It is an emergency!

-What?
-I told the bus driver

I have a huge case of crabs,
and he just drove away!

-See? It's okay.
He's not gonna hurt you.

He's friendly.

Okay, good. So, which one
do you want to take home?

-Can I help you find something?

-I am definitely not ready
for you, Shawn.

-Hey, Pen, how 'bout this one?
Oh, yeah.

Come on in.

The leather is warm.

-I'm not getting
a black leather couch.

I'm not a movie producer
from the '90s.

-I was.

-You see?
Shawn lost all his money.

-Thanks for that trip
down memory lane.

-Come on, Pen.

Just try sitting
on one of these.

-Ooh.

My butt likes this one.

-Your butt has very good taste.

And check this out.
-No, but don't do that!

-Oh, no, no.
Don't worry.

See, the sofa's treated
with Spillguard,

and the liquid
just pools harmlessly on it.

-Yeah, but you wasted
a perfectly good soda.

-Just picture it, Pen --

our family sitting
on this couch juntos.

"Hey, Pen, will you
pass me the remote?"

-"No, Schneider! Get the hell
out of my apartment!"

[ Gasps ]

This feels right.

Oh-ho, yeah,
that's -- that's pricy,

but I-I think I can swing it.
-Yes!

-Terrific! Now, a lot of people
get the sofa-bed option,

just in case you want
to have a guest over, so --

-Yes, we want that.
-No, we definitely do not
want that.

-Okay. Uh, would you like
to open a store credit card?

-Does it have zero interest?
Because I do.

-You did it!
-I did it.

-You bought a new couch!
How do you feel?

-[ Vomits ]

-I guess we'll take
that rug, too.

-Maybe I can still take the bus
and tell the driver

these are
emotional-support crabs.

-Forget it. I am not stopping
again for anything.

[ Cellphone rings ]
No!

What do you mean, you decided
not to buy the shoes?

Shoes are your
entire personality!

-Okay. I thought about it,
and I realized

these ones are what
brought me and Nora together.

I couldn't replace them.

-Aww, qué romántico.

-I also can't replace my shoes,

mostly because I have a
condition called "raptor foot."

I'm -- I'm very hard to fit.

-Anyways, just
drop me off at home.
-Uh, no.

I've already missed
the first two matches,

and we're almost at the arena,
so we're all going.

Great.
The parking lot's full.

-Well, you'll just park
somewhere else.

-Yeah, like at home.

-I'm not gonna miss the final.

-Ohh! Spot! Spot!

-Ohh! Oh, you're right!
-Ohh!

-An open meter, and it's
Sunday -- free parking!

We're gonna make it!
Whoo!

-♪ We are gonna make it!
We are gonna make it! ♪

-Wait! I don't want to make it!

-Yes! Yes, we do!
I can't go home.

There's nothing waiting
for me except darkness.

Let's do this!
-Yeah!
-Yeah!

-Alright, I'm getting that spot.
Hold on.

[ Tires screech ]
-Whoa!

Ohh! Aah! Aah!

If these are emotional-support
crabs, they're not working.

-Yeah.

Just like that.

Ha!
You know how I like it.

Oh, you know what to do
with that butt.

-That's exactly what I say
to my bidet.

Feels good to spend
a little coin, huh?

-I know. I did it! I did it!
I made peace with money!

I'm good! We're good!
We're more than good!

We're lovers!
Now leave us.

-Okay.

So, I did what you asked,
and I put the old couch
out on the curb,

but doesn't it really belong
in the Alvarez Museum?

-The Alvarez Museum is just
a couple of awards

and knickknacks in the hallway.

-Oh, right.

It's definitely not a collection
of memorabilia from your family

that I set up
in an empty apartment
on the sixth floor

called the Alvarez Museum Norte.

-Okay. I am too happy
to be creeped out.

I love this couch.
I love it.

I had the best nap of my life.

And look -- my drool
just wipes right off.

-See?

Spending a little money
didn't set off a chain of events

that led
to some doomsday scenario.

-Okay.
Don't freak out.

-Don't freak out?
I don't need this today.

I already barfed on an area rug.

-Okay.
Maybe you should sit down.

-Whoa!
Love the new couch!

It must have been
really expensive.

-You're not helping.
-You're not helping.

-What happened?
-First of all, as you can see,

everyone's okay,
except maybe Dr. B.

-It was exhilarating

to watch athletes
with the same body type as me.

Shields up! Shields up!

That's the LA Gladiators'
slogan.

I stan them.

-Just tell me what happened.

-I got nachos.
-Not you!

You!
-Okay.

Well, um, when we finally
got to the game,

the parking lot was full,
so I parked on the street,

and it's important to know
that at this point in the story,

we are ahead $8.

-And then?

-And then...

while we were in the game,

the car was broken into
and the window was smashed.

Which is probably
how the pigeon got in.

I don't know what he ate,
but it did not agree with him.

Anyway, we chased
the pigeon away,

but we probably should have
closed the car door first,

'cause it got hit by a scooter.
-What?

-No, no, no, no.
Don't worry. The guy's fine.

I know because he got up
and scooted away.

Unfortunately, the car door
kind of chased him.

So, just to recap,

I saved us $8,
and some other stuff happened.

-Shields up.

-It's only money.

-What?!
-Whoa!

-Yes! I did this!

-No, I-I am so glad
you're not mad,

'cause I was a little worried,

because I left my laptop
on the seat,

and that's probably
why they broke in.

-You left your laptop
in the car?!

-It's only money?

-How many times have I told you

not to leave valuable stuff
visible in the car?!

-I know. I know.
I-I made a mistake.

-Yeah, you did --
a really dumb one.

How can someone so smart
do something so stupid?

We'll talk about this later.

-This is why I took my crabs
into the nerd show...

...although, after six hours...

I don't think we should
eat them anymore.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-So, listen, I'm sorry
I got so upset.

But I need you to understand
where I'm coming from.

Money and I have never
had a great relationship.

You know how Abuelita
lives with us?

Well, for a while there,
we lived with her,

because when your papi left,
I couldn't afford the rent.

I mean, so, like, we're --
we're good now,

but those feelings,
they don't just go away,

because you're always
one catastrophe away

from being broke.

But I know I need to loosen up.

I know that $13 pot stickers
is not a catastrophe.

It's a rip-off,
but it's not a catastrophe,

and neither is this.

-You're right, 'cause I have
a plan to pay for everything.

I can sell my hair or my blood
or my eggs,

'cause they're still
young and fresh.
-Okay, whoa.

Don't give away
my grandchildren.

-Okay, but I-I can use
all the money I have saved.

-You have money saved?
-Yeah.

I've had a system
since I started working

as Schneider's assistant.

For every dollar I spend,
I put $2 into savings.

-Really? I didn't know
you were so good with money.

-I'm trying.
I can show you.

I track all of my spendings and
savings on this spreadsheet...

...that was on my laptop.

[ Sighs ]

-It's okay.

We have insurance,
and we'll figure the rest out.

-Okay, but I'm gonna work
a bunch of extra shifts
for Schneider

so I can help pay
for that new computer.

-Yeah, that's what I mean by
"we'll figure the rest out."

But I am proud of you.

Hearing all this makes me feel
like I've done something right.

-Yeah, well, I learned
from the master.

You've had the same Ziploc
since I was a kid.

You replaced the zipper
like five times.

-That was your
great-grandmother's Ziploc.

And one day you'll pass it on
to your kids.

-In this moment, I'll pretend
I'm gonna have kids.

-Oh, thank you, baby.
Thank you.

Mind if we join you?
-Siéntate.

Ahh.

[ All sigh ]
-Ahhhhhh.

-Is it just me, or does the new
couch make our TV seem smaller?

-Well, if we're buying a new TV,

we're gonna need to splurge
on surround sound.

-And a state-of-the-art
soft-pretzel carousel.

-[ Crying ]

-Look at that. Mami's tears
just bead and roll right off.